


Tapestry of Scars

by Forever_Without_Him



Category: PLL - Fandom, Pretty Little Liars, emison
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drama, Emison - Freeform, F/F, It's Dark AF, PTSD, Suicide, Trauma, Trigger warnings for ALL the triggers, Violence, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2020-12-28 16:00:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 218,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21139334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forever_Without_Him/pseuds/Forever_Without_Him
Summary: War is hard. Surviving what comes after it is harder. Emily is haunted by her past. Alison is worried about her future. Then their present collides. Two broken people. One phone call. And a night that changes them both forever. Hidden scars. Dark secrets. Emison AU.





	1. The Wounds of War

** _A/N: _ ** _ If you read any of my author’s notes, please make it this one. _ _ It’s extremely important to me that everyone knows what they are getting into with this fic. It is nothing like my other fics. This one is a lot darker and the content is violently heavy. I got this idea from a prompt that was sent to me a while ago on Tumblr: “Emily gets discharged from the military and is left depressed and suffering from PTSD. She’s suicidal. She calls a suicide hotline and Alison is the operator.” I thought about doing the prompt as a one-shot, but it turned into a short story._

_If you’re familiar with my work you know I try to keep plot points quiet. That being said, I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that this is going to have a **HELLA lot of triggers**. Be careful about reading. If you have trouble with being in a dark place in your mind then please *please* tread carefully. _

_I’d do individual trigger warnings (yeah, it’s so dark that the author who sucks about doing trigger warnings is like “trigger, trigger, trigger”) for each one, but the fact of the matter is that the entire story itself is basically one giant trigger. If you want to read, but have certain things that trigger you, message me to let me know what it is and I’ll tell you if it’s part of the story. The last thing I want to do here is cause a real problem while writing a fictional world. But a lot of you asked for dark. You’re going to get dark. _

_This one is rated M, for SO many reasons…_

* * *

**Chapter 1:**

**The Wounds of War**

War is not hell. Surviving it is.

It’s not their screams that haunted her the most. It wasn’t the deafening explosions that rocked her to her core. It wasn’t the gunfire or the blood or the complete chaos that was the hardest part. It was what came after. The silence. Because in that moment, when everything was quiet, she knew without a doubt…everyone she loved was gone. And she was still alive. Barely. It didn’t seem fair. It seemed downright cruel.

She wasn’t sure how bad her injuries were. She just knew she was bleeding and she couldn’t move. She thought for sure she’d just black out and that would be the end of it. But instead, she laid there in agony for hours, completely cognizant and feeling every last bit of her pain.

The dying cries and the pleas for help of everyone in her squad slowly dissipated as light broke into the sky. And then all she had to keep her company was the corpse of the person she’d refused to leave. Her best friend. Her brother.

Memories of their childhood were like flickering echoes in her mind. She could hear his laughter as he pulled her around in his _Radio Flyer_ wagon. She could feel the whoosh of wind on her legs as they challenged one another to swing higher on the swings, pumping their legs as hard as they could. She could smell the burned cheese from all the grilled cheese sandwiches he’d made them. She could see the determined look on his face when he taught her how to throw a punch.

She looked over and could see the blood covering them both in the light of day. His naturally tan skin was devoid of its color. The bright vibrant mischievous smile he’d always worn had been replaced by a fixed grimace that would haunt her forever. She was still gripping the lapel of his jacket.

_Come back. Please. Please come back. I can’t do this without you._

She wanted to cry, but she had nothing left. So she just laid there with one thought echoing over and over in her head.

_Why can’t I just die?_

She was on her way out of the world when she heard someone shouting near her. A shadowy figure leaned over her. She felt something pressing against her neck.

“We’ve got a live one!” A voice shouted. “Hey, hang in there.”

_No. No. Just let me die._

She felt a gentle pressure against her wounds.

“We’re going to get you out of here.”

_No. I don’t want to go back. He’ll find me. He’ll kill me. I’m better off dead. _

“Hey, look at me, Fields. You’re going to be okay.”

Someone calling for a medic was the last thing she heard before she passed out.

Eight days after she blacked out she woke up in a VA hospital back in the United States. It felt weird to be home. It didn’t even feel like home anymore. She’d been deployed for so long that her home was with her military family. That home was gone now. They were all dead. She was the only survivor. Everyone talked about how miraculous it was that she’d lived. But was she really the lucky one? Because she had to live knowing she should have died with them.

She spent her first few days in the hospital being pissed off that she was alive. The doctors asked her if she had someone they should contact. She refused to answer. She refused to speak at all. They treated her for shock. But it wasn’t shock. It was defiance. She was pissed. She was pissed that her brothers and sisters were gone and she was alive. She was pissed at the enemy for taking her family away. And she was pissed at her family for leaving her alone.

And she _was_ alone. Of course no one had come to be with her. She hadn’t listed anyone as next of kin. She had joined the army to get _away_ from her only living relative. She spent her time in the hospital constantly looking over her shoulder worried that he would show up. That he would finish her off.

She had joined the army to forget the hell she had at home. The only problem was that she’d replaced one hell with another.

When she was honorably discharged she didn’t know which hell to go back to. She supposed it really didn’t matter since the person walking through both hells with her was gone.

She spent two months back in town drunk and drugged up on pain killers trying to forget everything she was running from. When that eventually stopped working she fell down a rabbit hole of depression.

No matter what she did, she couldn’t get away from it. She could still hear the dying screams of everyone around her. She could still feel the ground quake as bombs exploded nearby. She could feel the spray of bullets whizzing all around her and hitting her and everyone in her squad. She could still taste the blood in her mouth, though it was slowly starting to transition into a bitter numbness from the fermented drink in the flask she was holding.

It tasted like shit. Her boys had always given her a hard time for it. Because a _girl_ liking bourbon? What was _that_ about? One of the rookies had once made the mistake of calling it a “man’s drink”. She drank him under the table. He’d passed out after two shots. He’d never lived it down.

Now he was gone. The fresh faced little newbie she’d watched blossom into an _actual_ man was dead. When she closed her eyes she could see him being blown to bits. Frothy pink mist and bone fragments had rained down on her. There hadn’t even been any blood. It’s like he had evaporated into thin air. There had been nothing left of him but a single combat boot and the melted twisted piece of metal that had once been his service weapon.

She closed her eyes tightly and tried to shake the image from her mind, but it was ingrained into her brain.

“Fuck.” She uttered, shuddering, though not from the cold.

The wind howled around the bridge she was huddling under. She took a swig of bourbon to warm herself up, and to give her the courage to do what she’d come out here to do.

She felt the alcohol burning her veins. After it relaxed her enough she reached into her pocket and fished out a ziplock bag. Before she’d left her motel room she had loaded it up with everything in her medicine cabinet.

She’d gotten high many times just mixing and matching, but tonight wasn’t about getting high to forget the pain. It was about ending it. That’s what the voice in her head had been hounding her to do ever since she’d gotten back.

_You’re better off dead_. _You have nothing. You have no one. You’re a failure. You failed them all. You should have died with them._

She cinched her eyes shut, trying to make the voice be quiet. She’d heard enough of it. After a few seconds she opened her eyes back up. The sound of the bag popping open echoed in the hollow brick structure.

She raised her flask and laughed darkly.

“Cheers to the motherfucking world,” she muttered.

She stared at the pills for the longest time. They were all shapes and sizes and colors. She didn’t even know what most of them were for anymore.

_Do it, you pussy._ The voice told her. _Just fucking do it._

So she did. Without thinking, she did it.

She didn’t feel it at first.

_Well...shit, am I immune?_

But then she slowly started to feel sluggish. Her face started to go numb.

Thirty minutes later she was fumbling around in her pocket searching for her phone. She wasn’t sure why. She didn’t have anyone she could call. Her fingers felt like stiff twigs as she scrolled through her contacts.

She saw a number that she’d programmed in her phone the minute she was medically discharged. She wasn’t sure why she’d done it at the time. But it was there, so she decided she might as well use it.

Her vision started to blur, but she managed to mash her finger against the “call” button.

Not too far away a phone rang in a small homey office. It had been a quiet night. Only three people remained at the call center. Everyone else had forwarded their phones to their personal devices just in case the call volume became too much for those left.

A small delicate hand reached for the phone. It wasn’t her line, but she happened to be walking by her coworker Aria’s desk and she picked it up without hesitation.

“Suicide hotline. How can I assist you?” She had always hated the standardized greeting, but in her training she’d learned that until they knew what kind of call they would be handling that was always the best way to start.

At first the only thing on the line was silence. It wasn’t uncommon. Sometimes people called and then freaked out at the last minute and they weren’t sure what to say.

“I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”

“H-hello?” A woman’s voice echoed on the line.

“Hi, I’m here,” she assured the caller. “Can I ask what sparked your call to us?”

“I called to order a pizza, what do you think?” Came the heavy sarcastic reply.

That was a new one. The manual didn’t cover that, which was fine with her, because she hated reading off of some transcript anyway.

“Well, our delivery service comes with a free conversation. Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind tonight?”

“Would you believe me if I told you the weather?” Though she couldn’t see straight anymore, she could still see the stars in the sky. They were twinkling and they looked like they were swirling around right in front of her face.

“What about it?” She tried to keep her talking.

There was something in the caller’s tone that was concerning. She seemed distant, disconnected.

“Powerful forces,” came a shaky muttered response. “You can yell and scream into the void all you want. You can try to harness as much power as you have inside, but it will never be a match for the world…for Mother Nature. Life is…it’s just really loud. No matter where I go it’s loud.”

“You know something else about the weather? It changes. Often. We have horrible storms all the time. But when they pass we have the warmth of the sun again.”

“You’re good with metaphors.” There was a pause on the line. “What’s your name?”

The help center usually discouraged giving out personal information, but she had never seen the harm in it, especially if she just gave her first name.

“Alison. My name is Alison. And how about you? Would you feel comfortable sharing your name with me?” Alison asked.

“Uh…” She slurred her words. “I don’t…I don’t know. I can’t remember…can’t think.”

She sounded like she was in distress, like she was having trouble breathing. A few seconds went by and Alison heard a gasp on the other end of the line.

“Emily,” the girl said. “My name is Emily.”

There was a noise that sounded like a muffled cough and then a moan.

“Is everything okay, Emily? Are _you_ okay? Do you need help?”

“I took something. I don’t know.”

“What did you take?”

“Pills. A lot…a lot of them. I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

So the girl was actively overdosing.

_Okay, don’t panic. You’re trained for this. _

“How long ago did you take these pills?” Alison felt her heart racing in her chest. She’d dealt with a few calls like this, but it still shook her up every time.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you have any Narcan?”

Emily snorted.

“Who the fuck plans a suicide with an antidote ready?”

“Well, you called, so you must want help.”

“I don’t really know _why_ I called,” she mumbled. “I think…maybe because no one wants to die alone.”

If she had died with her squad she wouldn’t have been alone. That’s how it was supposed to go. Live together, die together.

“You’re not going to die. I would like to get you some help.”

“I feel…everything’s…it’s all weird. I’m really tired. I think I’m going to go to sleep now.”

“No, I need you to stay on the line with me.”

“You sound nice enough,” Emily said. “I’m sorry I’m putting you through this.”

“You’re not putting me through anything. I’m here to help. That’s what I do.”

“No one can help me.”

“Well, I’d like to try.”

“It’s too late. No matter what I do, I’m dead.”

“You need to throw up. Do you have any ipecac syrup or peroxide? If you have access to it and you ingest it, it will help you throw up the pills you’ve taken.”

“No. You’re not hearing me.” She drunkenly muttered. “I don’t _want_ to fix it. I _am_ fixing it…fixing my problems, making them go away.” Because he couldn’t follow her in death. She was just beating him to the punch.

“This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

“See…that’s where you’re wrong.” Emily’s speech was starting to slur. It was getting harder for Alison to understand her. “My problems _are_ permanent.” She moaned, sliding down against a hard flat surface. The wind blew into her face. “I have t-the scars to prove it.”

She heard a loud explosion in her head. She heard her Sergeant screaming her name. She felt a pair of rough hands on her in her house. She felt the pain of her childhood. She flinched and twitched uncomfortably.

“I want…I want it to stop. I just want it to stop.” Emily muttered.

“Emily, I want you to listen to me. You need to force yourself to throw up, _right now_.”

She couldn’t listen to this girl die.

“I can’t...I can’t feel my hands.”

“Please tell me where you are. We can send help. We want to help you. I have an ambulance ready to go if you just tell me where you are.”

She’d already put in a request with 911 via the computer system while she’d been on the phone with her. She just needed to figure out where the girl was. The emergency crews were on standby. Normally they kept the authorities out of it, but for extremely severe cases sometimes they would send for help. And considering the girl was dying, it was an extreme case.

“Are you at home? Are you out somewhere?”

_Please, give me something. Don’t die on me. Please._

Alison listened intently, trying to pick up some kind of background noise to give her a clue as to where Emily was. She heard a gust of wind, which told her that she was outside.

“Can you tell me what you see?” Alison asked.

“The…the stars.” She could see twinkling lights through the cover of the trees. “They’re so bright…”

There was a thrumming sound in the distance. Emily could feel the ground vibrating. Alison could hear an echo of something. It sounded like a horn.

A few seconds later the line was filled with a loud whooshing noise and then the sound of a train horn. Alison glanced out the window. She could hear a train in the distance. The noise that was echoing through the phone carried over into the building she was in. Alison quickly typed in a guess on where Emily was to the awaiting 911 units.

“Emily, hang on for me, okay?”

Emily responded with a groan. Alison heard a door behind her open. Aria was back from her break.

“Sorry.” Aria huffed. “Ellie is cutting a tooth and my mom couldn’t find the teething rings…”

Alison stood up and frantically waved her over. Aria quickly scurried next to her. She saw how flustered Alison was.

“What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

Alison held her index finger straight up to signal for her to hold on for a minute.

“Em?” She wasn’t sure why she had cut her name short. It felt natural, normal, like she knew her. “Emily, talk to me.”

There was no response this time.

“Damn it,” she uttered.

She heard the train whistle fading, both in the distance and on the phone.

“Emily, are you still there?”

Still nothing. Alison ripped the headset off of her head and handed it to Aria.

“Active overdose.” Alison quickly explained. “Her name is Emily. See if you can get her talking again.” She yanked open her desk and pulled out a small handheld flashlight that she kept handy just in case they ever lost power.

“Where are you going?” Aria took the headset.

“Following a hunch.” Alison replied. “I already put in a request for the paramedics, but I think we’re closer.”

Alison dashed out of the building. Aria tried to rouse Emily, but all she heard was the wind. Alison ran around the side of the building out to the back that was lined with heavy thick trees. She cut through the woods, her breath echoing loudly, puffs of white hot air coming out in the cold evening darkness. Her feet were padding swiftly against the brush. Sticks and leaves were flying everywhere. The ground was hard from the chill.

When she came out the other side of the woods she followed a set of train tracks to an old cement bridge. It had been a staple in the community for decades. It was a landmark, a place where high schoolers went to secretly drink their beers and where homeless people went when they were looking for a place that would protect them from the elements.

“Emily?” She called out.

Unsurprisingly, there was no answer. She steadied her balance and scooted down the hill to where the bridge was covered. She shone the light around. She looked around, but didn’t see anything. She kicked up some gravel and cussed under her breath.

She was getting ready to turn around and search another area when she saw some movement in the shadows. She turned the light towards the darkness and saw a pair of shoes sticking out around a bend. Someone had fallen in between a large crack in the wall. The legs were definitely that of a young girl. She raced over to her.

“Emily?” She shined the light on her face.

The girl was long and lean and had dark brown hair covering her face. Her complexion was tan and soft. Her muscles were tone and firm. She was wearing a dark pair of tightly fitted jeans and a black spaghetti-strap top that left her body too exposed to the cold elements.

Alison looked closer and saw a spray of white blemishes scarring her arms. They were round and symmetrical, but different sizes, like she’d been hit by a barrage of bullets and debris. Further up her body she had a large white blemish against her exposed collar bone that looked like an old burn.

She saw a tattoo on her right arm that snaked up her shoulder. It was an army insignia. She’d read statistics about veterans and their high depression rate. No wonder the girl was suicidal. The things she must have seen…

Alison noticed how pale her naturally dark skin looked in the light. She crouched down beside her, checking for a pulse. She found it, faint and fading.

She saw a bright light behind her head and saw her phone. It was still connected to the call center. Alison picked up the phone.

“Aria? Are you still there?”

“Alison?” Aria sounded surprised.

“I found her.” Alison replied, feeling like a dumbass, obviously, because she had the girl’s phone and Aria knew that. “Tell the paramedics we’re under the railway bridge over by Clark Creek. Tell them they need to hurry. I don’t think she’s going to last much longer.”

She put the phone down and cradled the girl’s cheeks.

“Emily, it’s Alison. We were talking on the phone…” Alison gently jostled her to try and wake her.

The girl’s face was lifeless. Her head floundered on her neck. She was limp on the ground.

“I’m going to help you, okay?” Alison looked around.

The girl was knocking on death’s doorstep. She could hear the sirens in the distance, but she was afraid they wouldn’t make it in time.

She looked down at Emily’s parted lips, full and smooth, but pale from the overdose. Alison looked at her hands, an idea springing to mind. She felt awkward about it, but desperate times called for desperate measures. She didn’t know what else to do. So she timidly pressed her index and middle finger past Emily’s lips and into her mouth, pushing her bottom jaw open as she did.

She reached back into her throat and curled her fingertips down her esophagus. She felt Emily’s gag reflex tighten around her fingers. Alison used her other hand to gently lift her head and turn her cheek slightly. She moved her fingers back and forth, careful not to constrict her breathing as she massaged her throat, triggering her gag reflex.

“Hey, can you throw up for me, sweetie?”

She gently pushed her fingers forward again and felt Emily gag. Her head lurched and Alison felt a hot liquid pushing past her fingers. She pulled her hand away and turned Emily’s body to the side just as the vomit came up. She angled her body so she wouldn’t choke on it.

Emily gagged as she threw up. It smelled putrid, yet there was a sweet tinge to it, like alcohol. Alison glanced at the pile of throw up and saw that the pills she’d taken were mostly dissolved. Her heart sank. There was a lot of poison in her blood stream. She was definitely going to need to get her stomach pumped.

She heard a groan and when she leaned over to check on her, Emily’s eyes were half open. From what Alison could see of them in the lowly lit bridge they were a shade of deep brown with swirls of chocolate colored flecks.

“Hell has angels?” Emily mumbled, her eyes closing again.

“Stay with me. Can you open your eyes back up for me?”

Emily’s head dropped and her body started jerking. Her neck snapped violently to the side and her muscles tensed and curled in various positions as the seizure intensified. All Alison could do was try to keep her from slamming her head against the ground.

Alison heard the ambulance doors slamming. She could see red lights flashing in the distance.

“Over here!” She yelled loudly, trying to keep Emily’s convulsing body from hitting the hard pavement. “We’re over here!”

The paramedics swiftly went to work, giving her an anti-convulsant and stabilizing her for transport. They quickly got her loaded on to the stretcher and started up the hill with her. Alison walked along beside them. When they got to the ambulance Alison looked at one of the paramedics.

“I’d like to stay with her.”

She felt a strong sensation to see this through. She also thought about how Emily had told her on the phone that she didn’t want to die alone. She didn’t want to be alone.

“Who are you?” The paramedic asked.

It was an innocent enough question, but it still made Alison puff up in defense. Their first priority should be keeping the girl alive, not grilling witnesses.

“I’m the woman who has been keeping her alive.” She snapped. She realized she was coming off too aggressive, her fear and worry making her angry. She quickly softened her tone. “I’m the person who told you where she was. And I told her that I would stay with her.”

“Okay. We’ll make room in the rig.” The paramedic nodded. “What’s her name?”

Alison looked down at the brunette. She reached for her hand, a strange instinctual reaction that happened without her even thinking about it.

“Emily.”

“Alright, Emily, we’re going to get you to the hospital and get you taken care of, okay?” The paramedic leaned over the unconscious girl.

There was no response. Emily was unconscious for most of the ride. But when they neared the hospital she started groaning and her eyes slowly opened. The first thing she saw was Alison leaning over her.

“Hey, you’re going to be okay.”

Emily recognized her voice immediately.

“You…” Emily squinted. “Alison?”

Alison was surprised that Emily was coherent enough to recognize her voice.

“Yeah, I…”

“You…” Emily groaned and then opened her mouth, “…you should have just let me die.”

She moaned again, louder this time. Her body felt like it was on fire. Her back arched up and then her body slammed back down. Her eyes rolled backwards and her head started jerking as her body convulsed.

“She’s seizing again.”

The paramedics pushed Alison out of the way and went to work on Emily again. When they got to the hospital they rushed her into the ER. Alison followed them. They told her to have a seat in the waiting room.

Alison wanted to ignore them, but she knew the rules. She’d been working with a volunteer program that worked out of the hospital for years. She knew the hospital would kick her ass out if she didn’t listen. So she sat down and waited.

The update came an hour later when a physician came out looking for Emily’s family. Alison didn’t recognize the physician, so she lied and said they were family. She knew that a lot of the doctors who worked in the ER were moonlighting from other places. Half the time the doctors didn’t ask twice, something else she’d learned from coming and going through the ER.

“We pumped her stomach and gave her some activated charcoal to counteract the toxicity in her system.” She explained. “It was a very close call. We still don’t know if she’s going to have organ damage or not. We’ll monitor her closely while she’s here for the mandatory Psych hold.”

“72 hours, right?” Alison knew the drill.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Is she awake?”

“Awake, yes. Coherent…not entirely.”

“Can I see her before they take her to Psych?”

“I’m sorry, who did you say you were again?” The physician questioned.

“Is Doctor Barrow in?” Alison asked, trying to change the subject.

She worked on the volunteer program with him from time to time.

“No. He’s on vacation for the week.”

“What about Joan?”

“The charge nurse? No, she’s on the day shift. Do you work here?” The woman looked confused.

“No. I just…”

“If you don’t work here and you’re not an immediate family member…”

Alison could see that the doctor was wavering, so she quickly interjected another plea before she could say no.

“Please? I work in the volunteer program in mental health services. I deal with the therapy sessions. And I think it might help for her to know that she’s not alone.”

That was something that most people who called had in common. They all felt isolated, alone, like no one could see them. She wanted Emily to know she saw her.

“I won’t be long. I promise.” She smiled. It had always been her secret weapon. It was a smile that had taught her to get through many barricades…to get her whatever she wanted.

The doctor nodded silently. She took Alison to get a visitors badge and then led her down the hall. They stopped short of getting to Emily’s room.

“Is she someone special to you?”

“She is.” Alison answered without hesitation. And it wasn’t a lie. Because wasn’t everyone special?

“She’s in and out of consciousness and she’s been restrained for her safety and the safety of those around her…”

“With all due respect, you can spare me the speech. I know how it goes.” It wasn’t Alison’s first trip into the darkest parts of the hospital.

The doctor nodded again. She took Alison into Emily’s room.

Seeing Emily in the pale lighting of the room she could see her exposed in a way she hadn’t seen under the bridge or in the ambulance. She was stocky and muscular, but in the tiny hospital bed she looked so small and fragile.

She was dressed in a hospital gown. She had a nasal cannula in her nose delivering fresh oxygen to her. She had lines leading underneath her gown feeding information to a heart monitor and several other machines.

The bed was slightly propped up and she was resting with her cheek against the pillow. The hospital blanket was pulled up to her waist, but Alison could still see the soft restraints tying her to the bed. Her feet were covered, but Alison knew she was restrained by her ankles as well.

She could see the scars of war standing out against her dark skin. They painted her in a unique light. Her life had been filled with near misses and untold stories of survival and determination. She had a powerful hidden beauty somewhere deep down in the darkness. The doctor saw Alison staring at the exposed scars.

“X-Rays showed shrapnel lodged in her ribs and a bullet in her shoulder. She clearly saw her fair share of action.” The doctor sighed. “Explains the suicide attempt. But other than that we haven’t been able to get much out of her as far as her history goes. I don’t suppose you can help us fill in the blanks?”

_Crap, if she finds out you don’t even know her…_

“I think it would be best coming from her.” Alison thought quickly on her feet. “I’m simply here as a friend.”

“I’ll give you a few minutes,” the doctor said quietly. “But be advised, she might not wake up. And if she does she might not recognize you.”

Alison had to hold back a dark laugh, because even if the girl _was_ coherent she probably wouldn’t recognize her. Though, she had known who she was in the ambulance…

“Understood.” But before she could turn to face the physician she was gone.

Alison heard the soft tapping of shoes pacing down the hallway. She glanced around at the hospital room. The walls were a soothing light shade of grayish-blue. There was a framed photo of an ocean with a rainbow over it hanging on the wall.

She walked over to Emily’s bedside. She listened to the sound of the monitors as she watched Emily slowly breathing. Just looking at her she could see that life had hardened her, but she had the softest face.

She saw Emily flinch, and before she could stop herself she was reaching out and touching her cheek to try and comfort her.

To her surprise, Emily’s eyes opened. Her eyes immediately found Alison’s eyes.

“Hey. How are you feeling?” Alison asked, gently pulling her hand back.

“How do you think?”

She was angry. Alison wasn’t surprised. Anger was common.

“Is there someone I can call for you?” Alison asked.

“I don’t have anyone.” Emily mumbled. “If there was do you think I would have swallowed a gallon of pills?” She glanced at Alison, annoyed. “Why didn’t you just let me die?” She didn’t deserve to live. “I _wanted_ to die.”

“I know you feel that way now…”

“You don’t know shit.” Emily snapped.

It wasn’t a surprise to Alison. She knew that people who were depressed and suicidal lashed out.

“You don’t know me. You don’t know my life…” She snarled, turning her head so the light hit her eyes.

The flash from the bulb caused her vision to go white. She gasped and pulled against the restraints around her wrists. She felt her stomach churning. The poison of the drugs was out of her system, but the lingering effects of the medications were still causing monstrous hallucinations.

She saw flashes of her worst nightmares. Only they weren’t nightmares. They were real. She saw blood. Bodies. The flashes came faster and her breathing became erratic. Suddenly, she was back at home. She was trapped within the pain and she couldn’t get away.

“Emily, are you okay?” Alison reached out to touch her, but hesitated when she realized it might make her panic worse.

“No, no, please no.” Her head jerked to the side. She pulled harder against the restraints, grunting and crying out.

She couldn’t breathe. She was being crushed. Her chest felt tight. She was in hell and she couldn’t get out.

“Hey…” Alison slowly reached forward, testing her response to her touch by gently caressing her arm. “Hey, it’s okay.”

Emily’s flesh felt like hot burning coal. Her body was dripping with sweat. Her face was clenched tightly. She looked like she was in pain. Alison carefully rubbed her arm, and to her surprise Emily stopped thrashing. She was still fighting against the restraints, but she was settling down.

Alison tested her even further when she moved her palm up to Emily’s cheek to wipe away some of the sweat that had accumulated there.

The brunette glanced at the blonde standing over her. There was something about her that made her feel calm, safe. She hadn’t felt that in a long time. She’d had a problem with people touching her almost her entire life. But she didn’t recoil from Alison. Was it the drugs?

She blinked slowly. Her breathing was still uneven. But she was slowly coming down from it.

“You don’t…you don’t know me.” Emily said again, shivering, both from the detox of the drugs and from the hallucinations.

“I know.” Alison paused, her eyes fixed in on Emily’s, trying to keep her grounded in reality. “But I’d like to get to know you, Emily.”

Emily stared at her, unsure whether or not what she was seeing and hearing was real. She suddenly felt drowsy. The panic attack had drained her energy. Her eyelids started to get heavy. She blinked heavily once...twice. The third time she looked up at Alison and then sighed. She could still feel the woman’s palm against her cheek as her head rolled to the side. She drifted out of consciousness.

_“Everything is going to be okay.”_ She heard her say.

And for some reason, Emily believed her. But she wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. She’d survived a war. She didn’t know if she could survive life.

* * *

**A/N:** _I know there is_ _a lot to digest in this first chapter. This fic is going to be very hard to stomach at times. I 100% understand if it’s too much for some people. My first priority is my readers. So if you can’t do it, don’t. I tackled this prompt because I like to challenge myself. I’m no stranger to writing dark themes, but this is by far the darkest. It’s been extremely hard to write and edit. I imagine it is just as hard to read. _

_If you struggle with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts please know that you're not alone and that there are resources out there. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is (1) 800-273-8255 (if you're not in the states there are other resources...08457909090 in the UK, 1.833.456.4566 in Canada, 5255102550 in Mexico, 131114 in Australia. A quick google search can yield you whatever resource you might need for wherever you might live). I have no idea if it's against the rules to post the numbers here, but I honestly don't give a fuck about the rules when it comes to mental health. Take care of yourselves._

_For those of you who follow my other stories, I want you to know that I *do* plan on getting the alternate Epilogue up in “In Her Eyes” and yes, I am still working on “The Heart of Beacon Heights”. _


	2. Paralyzed

* * *

**Chapter 2: **

**Paralyzed**

When Emily woke up she felt sick to her stomach. Despite it being empty it felt like it was stretching to the point that she couldn’t breathe. She gagged and she automatically tried to reach up and cover her mouth, but there was something holding her arm down. She looked down and saw cloth shackles around her wrists. She was tethered to the bed. She glanced down, feeling the same constricting feeling against her ankles.

_Right. The psychiatric hold. _

A side effect of trying to kill oneself.

She’d been in and out of consciousness the last twelve hours. She felt like she was dying, which was ironic considering she _wanted_ to die. She was pissed at herself for calling the crisis hotline. She didn’t know that the woman who answered the phone would be a fucking Bloodhound that could track her.

If she’d just kept her damn mouth shut her nightmare would be over. But she’d gone and cried about her problems to some stranger. And of course the woman had given her hope. But where was she now?

How much of what she remembered was real? Had she hallucinated seeing her in the ambulance? In her hospital room?

_She was real. She had to be real._

She’d had hallucinations before, but none as vivid and stunning as the blonde who’d been hovering over her when she woke up under that bridge. She had felt her touch. She’d had a beautiful aura, a glow like Emily had never seen before. Emily knew that she couldn’t have dreamed up the depth of humanity that was radiating off of the blonde. She’d looked like heaven, and Emily knew for a fact that she sure as hell wasn’t going to heaven...if there _was_ a heaven.

Emily closed her eyes and tried to picture Alison’s face. She needed something to center her, to calm her. But it didn’t stop the barrage of negative thoughts loudly berating her.

_You don’t deserve her. You don’t deserve to be happy. No one will ever love you. You’re too broken. _

She shoved her head back into her pillow and groaned. When she opened her eyes the room looked smaller.

Suddenly, the cuffs around her appendages felt tighter. She was trapped. She hated being trapped. She felt like the room was closing in on her, and every bad thing that had ever happened to her was flashing through her mind like some twisted demented horror movie.

_“She’s dead!”_

_“Look out!”_

_“I’m going to fucking kill you, you hear me?”_

_“Em, run! RUN!”_

_“I’m going to fuck you up real good the next time I see you…”_

_“Go! We have to go!”_

She heard the yelling. She saw the destruction. She could taste her blood. There was a flash and all she felt was pain. She wanted to scream for help, but her voice hitched in her throat.

Instead of blood, she tasted vomit. She gagged again, this time feeling something hot burning her esophagus. Her entire body felt like it was on fire. She started shaking.

She heard a machine screaming, pissed off about something. She’d barely even registered its presence. She’d gotten used to hearing machines after she’d nearly died overseas. But the squawking noise drew the presence of some young bubbly little thing that came in way too chipper and way too awake.

“Is everything okay in here?” The nurse asked, walking up to the machine to check it.

She was a bouncy little girl. Probably fresh out of nursing school, so she hadn’t been jaded by the medical industry yet. The poor thing still had the fresh stench of hope.

“I think I’m going to puke. I need the basin.” Emily motioned towards a large pink bucket that was out of her reach.

How stupid. Something that clearly she was going to need wasn’t anywhere near her. _And_ she was tied down so she couldn’t even reach for it.

The girl’s young unwrinkled face scrunched up as she looked at some numbers on the machine.

_Don’t fucking ignore me. I’m about to puke all over the place, and if you don’t get me the fuck out of these handcuffs I’m going to aim in your direction…_

The nurse “hmm”ed to herself, like she saw something she didn’t like. She mindlessly reached for the basin, still keeping her eyes on the monitor.

Emily felt the panic rising.

“I need my hands…” She pulled against her restraints, “…please untie my hands.”

Her breathing started to quicken. All she could think about was a time she’d been trapped overseas, blindfolded, and tied up with no hope of escape. The binds around her arms and legs made her feel like she was going to die.

“Please...”

“I can’t, sweetie.”

_Sweetie_. This girl was probably younger than her and she was calling her _sweetie_.

“I need to throw up.” Emily pulled harder, barely even realizing that the urge to puke had passed.

“We’ll get you something for that.” She leaned over the bed, holding the basin up for her.

It felt humiliating. She was like some caged animal that couldn’t care for herself. She’d defended her fucking country and she wasn’t even granted the liberty to hold her own damn puke bucket.

Her stomach churned and she gagged again, but nothing came up.

“This fucking sucks.” Emily groaned.

“It’ll get better soon. You’re going through withdrawal. It’s just the detox.”

“I’m not an addict.”

“Your tox screen says differently. Your blood alcohol content was off the charts.”

“So I like to drink.”

Truth be told, she didn’t. She hated everything about alcohol. She hated the smell. It reminded her too much of home. She hated the taste. She hated the hangovers. She only drank to forget her pain. She had been leaning on the bottle a lot lately, but…

“I’m not a fucking alcoholic.” Emily hissed. Though she knew it wasn’t the nurse’s fault. She knew she wasn’t angry at her.

She resented being called an addict. She was a wounded veteran. Her physical injuries had healed. But the emotional ones…those scars would last a lifetime. Which is exactly why she didn’t want her lifetime anymore. Because it hurt. It was more painful than any physical ailment she’d ever suffered.

“Just…get the doctor. I want to talk to the doctor.”

“Of course, honey.”

_If my hands were free I’d smack that chipper smile right off of your face._ Emily glared at her.

The nurse wrote something down in her chart and then walked out of the room. Emily stared at the wall, trying not to think about the fact that she was tied down with no escape.

She felt her heart hammering against her rib cage and sweat pouring down her body. Maybe she _was_ suffering from withdrawal. She had been drinking a lot more lately. And it wasn’t the first time she’d eaten pills like candy, though it _was_ the first time she’d gone overboard with it with the intention of flipping the world off and saying goodbye.

She felt another wave of nausea coming. She closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath. Her fingers started twitching. Her muscles felt tense. Her body tremored. Her chest felt tight. She thought she was having a heart attack, which would be ironic considering she’d wanted to die in the first place.

She felt a smooth pair of fingers against her wrist and then something cool draped underneath her hospital gown. Then she heard a soft male voice with a crisp English accent.

“Emily, I need you to take a few deep breaths for me.”

When she opened her eyes she saw a man in a lab coat standing over her, his stethoscope against her chest.

“You’re having a panic attack,” he explained.

His fingers brushed against her breastbone. She flinched and jerked away from his touch. He immediately pulled away. She started to hyperventilate.

“Hey, easy.” He spoke to her like someone would speak to a wild animal. “My name is Doctor Wren Kingston. I’m here covering for a colleague. He’s asked me to look in on you. I didn’t mean to give you a fright. The nurse said your pulse was a bit on the high side and that you were having some nausea.”

Emily took a minute to memorize what he looked like. She did that with nearly everyone she met. She’d made it a habit since she’d been shipped overseas. Recognizing people could mean the difference between life or death for her.

He was young. Dark hair. Blue eyes. Kind of handsome. Probably the kind of doctor all the nurses fawned over. If she was straight she would definitely have a go at him. But as she’d _repeatedly_ told the hyper-sexual guys in her squad,

_“I don’t drive stick.”_

She hated dicks. And she usually hated the person attached to them. There were very few men that she liked and trusted. And most of them were dead now.

“Are you having any discomfort in your chest?” He asked.

“Well, I have shrapnel in it, so…” Emily replied with a frown.

She felt a sharp pain in her chest and she sucked in a gasp.

“You’re stressing yourself out…”

“I’m tied to a fucking bed. Of course I’m stressed.” Emily grimaced.

“I understand your frustration…”

Emily couldn’t help but laugh, because she’d heard the speech before. It was like something straight out of a transcript doctors learned the first day of class.

“Just shoot me up with something until this stupid hold is over.” Emily groaned.

“I’ve ordered something to help with the withdrawal and I’ll get you something for your nausea,” he assured her. “But the point of this observation is…”

“I know the point of it.” Emily cut him off.

The point was to get lingering drugs and alcohol out of her system and to watch for signs of another suicide attempt. It was mostly just to cover their asses. They’d send her on her way after the hold was up. She’d be free to frolic in her fucked up thoughts again out in the world.

“I understand that you came to us after a nearly fatal overdose.” His smooth buttery accent made her flinch.

“What part of England are you from?” Emily questioned.

“London.”

“One of the guys in my squad was from London,” she said, her eyes fixed on the wall. Because she didn’t want to think about him. She didn’t want to think about the glassy-eyed look she’d last seen on his face, or his milky white pale skin drenched in blood. She remembered everything about him. Down to his last words.

_“I got you. Just cover me…”_

He hadn’t seen the sniper, but Emily had.

_“Wesley, get out! Get out of there!”_ She’d screamed before everything had gone to hell.

He had turned back to answer her, but a bullet cut through the back of his head, cracking his skull and sending bone fragments, brain matter, and blood exploding from the front of his face and into a shower of remains on Emily’s face.

Emily closed her eyes and fought back the memory. She squeezed her hands into fists and quietly tried to count down from one hundred. It was something she’d learned to do as a child.

“So, you served?” Wren asked.

_Was the tattoo not a big enough clue for you? Only in America can a tattoo the size of Texas that says ‘Army’ in big bold letters be overlooked._

“I did.”

“Thank you.”

She didn’t reply. She hadn’t done anything to be thanked for. She hadn’t been able to save anyone. She’d barely been able to save herself. Actually, she _hadn’t_ saved herself. She’d been content to die. But she’d been fucked over in that department.

“Listen, given the state you were in when you were brought in we don’t have much in the way of your history. We’ve got a lot of blanks to fill in. Let’s start with an easy one. What is your last name?”

She flinched again. Because what if someone recognized her? What if someone knew she was back?

_Fuck it._ She thought to herself.

She wanted to die anyway. Why not tempt fate? Though some things were worse than death. Still, it was her brother’s name. It was her father’s name. It was her mother’s name. She was the only one left to carry it on. Nothing could take that away from her.

“Fields.”

“Age?”

“24.”

She’d be 25 next month. That was his next question. She rattled off her date of birth.

“Any living relatives…”

Emily seized up at the question. She felt her body actually _aching_ when she thought about it.

“None that I want to contact.” Her voice came out as a quivering noise she barely even recognized.

“Do you have a history of depression and suicide?”

“I was in a fucking war, doc, what do you think?”

She immediately felt like an asshole, because the pretty-boy doctor was just trying to do his job. And she was being a jerk.

“So you suffer from PTSD?” He didn’t even falter.

“That’s what they tell me. But the truth is that’s just what they call it when someone is batshit crazy and they don’t have a fix for it.”

“Have you ever tried to commit suicide before?”

Every damn day when she was in the army, though that was a different kind of death wish. She didn’t actively think about it. She just didn’t care if she happened to take a slug to the brain or the chest. The impulse to die had increased tenfold since she’d been back in the states. She actively thought about it every second of every day. And as far as her youth…

She shook her head.

“Nah, just thought I’d try something new.” _There’s the asshole again_. “I’m sorry.” She apologized. “I’m not great with being trapped.” She gently pulled against the restraints. “I don’t…it’s just…if you don’t have control over there then you’re dead, you know?”

“Well, I can assure that you’re safe here.” He smiled warmly at her.

_Safe?_ It sounded laughable._ You’ll never be safe. Not from him. Not from yourself. Not from anyone._

Emily closed her eyes and tried to silence her brain. She gnashed her teeth together and took a deep breath through her nose. And for some reason she saw the image of the blonde she’d seen by her bedside.

_Alison._

Emily opened her eyes.

“Can I ask you something?” Emily asked.

“Certainly.”

“Was I brought in alone?”

Wren glanced back at his notes.

“It says here there was a young woman that brought you in. Stayed by your side through it all.”

So she hadn’t imagined it. But why would Alison go to all that trouble? Why did she care so much about some stranger?

“She left her contact information at the desk. Would you like me to call her?”

“Why? She can’t see me while I’m being held.”

“I can give her an update on your progress with your permission.”

“Not much to give her an update on, is there? Still tied down. Still can’t go to piss by myself. Still a bitch.”

Wren didn’t play into her attitude. Instead he glanced down at the chart in his hands. She saw him reading over something. Emily knew the look that he was wearing on his face. She’d seen it on other doctors’ faces before.

“I’m guessing something is wrong.” She nodded towards the chart. “So, which is it? My liver or my kidney?”

“_Kidney_, singular?” Wren’s brow furrowed.

“Lost one in action.” Emily was able to finagle her hip over to where her hand was tied down. She moved her hospital gown just enough so that he could see a long jagged scar above her pelvis that extended up her side. “Knife went right through it. They couldn’t save it. It was actually my first war injury.” She dropped her gown.

It hadn’t stopped her from getting back on the battlefield as soon as possible. She didn’t know how to live life any other way. And she’d been pissed the fuck off, so it had made her better at combat.

“Hmm, they must have missed that on the intake exam.” He scanned the notes.

_Of fucking course they did. Got to love modern medicine in the US of fucking A. Fetuses with stethoscopes playing an oversized version of “Operation”._

“With as many scars as I have, it’s easy to miss,” Emily said flatly, almost emotionless. “So, what’s wrong with my other kidney?”

“Well, I’m afraid it’s not just your kidney.” He frowned. “Your bloodwork indicated high values in both your kidney and your liver.”

“My liver is fucked up, too?” Well, that was just great.

“Quite,” he said. “How long have you been using drugs and alcohol?”

“I told your nurse, I’m _not_ an addict.” She growled through her teeth. “Sometimes I need a little something to help me forget…”

“Mmm.” Wren nodded, taking something down in her chart. “Listen, Emily, we can’t help you unless you tell us what you’ve been taking and how often you’ve been consuming alcohol.”

Emily grumbled in frustration. _Why _wasn’t anyone listening to her? She sighed and then paused. Maybe she didn’t _want_ them to help her.

“I’ve only been back a few months. I have a few drinks a couple of times a week. The meds I’ve been taking are for my pain and anxiety. And I’ve got a _lot_ of fucking anxiety, doc. So who the fuck cares if I need a shot or two…” _or twelve_, “…to help me sleep?”

“And do you often take the medications along with the alcohol?”

_Only every fucking day._

“Mostly, yes.”

“Well, it seems as though the acute excessive substance abuse has put you on a path that could very potentially lead you into multiple organ failure.”

Emily blinked, cocked her head, and then blinked again. Then she laughed.

“So, are you saying that I’m dying?” She couldn’t stop laughing.

Because, _Christ_, that’s what she’d been _trying_ to do before she’d been so rudely interrupted and brought back to life, _again_. Resurrected like a necromanced demon that couldn’t seem to die. She certainly felt like the walking dead.

“No. Not exactly. The condition can be managed. It’s not extensive. Your levels are high, but with the proper treatment protocols we can keep it from getting any worse. We can potentially bring some of those numbers back down, though not into the normal range. You’ll have to go on renal and hepatic supplements immediately. We’ve already started a course intravenously.”

Great. More fucking drugs. That’s all doctors did. They handed out drugs like candy.

_“Dying from rotting insides? Here, take a blue pill and two pink ones. Riddled with cancer? Enjoy our selection of multicolored drugs in all shapes, colors, and sizes! Can’t take a shit? Here, eat this nasty tasting gummi fiber. Feel like slitting your wrists? This yellow pill will help with that, but it will cause impotence and diarrhea.”_

“We can treat what we can while you’re here in psych. But we should have a discussion about admitting you to the hospital after…”

“No.” Emily cut him off. “No, I can’t stay here. I can’t fucking stay in another hospital.”

When she’d first gotten back stateside she’d seen terrible flashes of her life while she’d been stuck in a hospital bed. She couldn’t let her demons find her again. She couldn’t be left vulnerable again.

“Then perhaps we should look into treating you on an outpatient basis.” Wren flipped back through his notes. “Who is your primary care physician?”

“Some jackass at the VA who just gave me a prescription for therapy and some drugs as he shoved me out the door to get me out of his hair…while I was still bleeding.”

“I see.”

“Look, it doesn’t matter.” Emily tried to sit up, but was restricted by the cuffs on her hands. She felt like reaching out and grabbing her right side because the pain was so intense. She had no idea detox was such a bitch. “Just…give me something that will help with my dying organs and push me towards the exit like everyone else.”

“I’m afraid it’s not that simple.” Wren replied softly. “We can give you something to combat the nausea and the supplements to help balance your values, but ultimately if this can’t be reversed then your best option is a transplant…”

“Come on, doc. Like the surgery board would ever consider me a viable transplant recipient? You’ve got an idea of my history. I don’t even come close to a candidate, and you know it.”

“You’re a veteran, Emily.”

“Stop saying that like it means something!” Emily growled harshly. “I served my country with people who were a thousand times more deserving.”

Her brother for one. Ethan had risked everything for her. He’d given his life for hers, a million times over.

“I’m a washed-up has-been. Just give me the drugs.” She didn’t deserve brand new equipment when she couldn’t take care of what she already had. “Save the real heroics for the people who deserve it.”

Wren sighed heavily. Her survivor’s guilt was one of the worst cases he’d ever seen. He’d seen hundreds of cases just like hers come across his desk, but something about her plight struck him...something he couldn’t let go of. But he didn’t have a window to argue, because Emily passed out shortly after he’d come into the room.

On his way out he passed by the sugary little nurse, who seemed downtrodden after hearing the entire exchange.

“Perhaps she’ll change her mind when she’s thinking a little more clearly.” Wren gave the girl a hopeful smile.

The girl’s bubbly personality had vanished. She looked in on the sleeping veteran with a heavy sadness.

Emily hated being in psych. The staff was nice enough, but that just made her feel worse. She felt like they were just wasting their time with her. She felt bad that she was taking up their valuable resources.

Her stay was miserable. The staff watched her writhe in her sleep, scream out in her nightmares, and tremble in pain…emotional and physical when she was awake. Her heart rate would never settle. She would sweat so often that her sheets were soaked and her hair was constantly sticking to her cheeks.

Her nausea did start to get better as her stint was halfway through. But by the time her system was clean she felt no more human than she had when she came in.

When the restraints were finally removed she had no desire to do anything or to go anywhere. She listened as Wren explained her medications to her and zoned out when he told her how important staying away from alcohol was. But he captured her attention when he told her that she had to complete a mandatory therapy session before she was released.

“You did your job.” Emily frowned. “Technically, what’s to stop me from walking out that door?”

“My sheer belief that you’d be back within 24 hours if I let you go without the proper counsel.”

_Won’t be back if I pull it off the right way this time._

“What good is sitting in with some shrink going to do for me? Can therapy bring back the dead now?”

Wren ignored her hostility. He knew she was just acting out because she was dealing with an unspeakable amount of trauma.

“I have some concerns that you are still a danger to yourself.”

Emily snorted.

_What gave it away? The suicide attempt?_

“Aren’t we all a danger to ourselves?” Emily shrugged.

“Some certainly more-so than others.” He looked at her chart. “I have some routine follow-up questions.”

_Oh, good. A test. Just what I fucking need. I’ll probably fail it just like I fail everything else._

“My stay was excellent. I give it four stars. My only complaint is that there wasn’t a mint on my pillow this morning. And your housekeeping staff kept stabbing me with needles. Rude.”

“I’ll have a chat with them about that.” Wren replied. Emily was surprised by his dry humor, though she shouldn’t have been. Her London buddy Wes had been the same way. “Are you currently thinking about or have you thought about harming yourself in the past 24 hours?”

“You’re joking, right?”

“Your health is very important to me.”

“Yeah, the whole _being alive_ thing gave that away.” Emily scratched her eyebrow. She couldn’t believe she was being interrogated…on her home soil. It made her uneasy. And angry. “I’m just peachy, doc.”

“Do you have access to anything you could use to harm yourself?”

“The drugs are in a frozen pile of vomit under a bridge somewhere.”

“What about firearms? Are you in possession of any firearms?”

“I plead the fifth.” She’d fought for the second amendment and the last thing she wanted was someone to take away her rights.

“Do you have any intention of following through on any thoughts of self-harm?”

_If I did I wouldn’t tell you._

“I fucked it up pretty badly last time. You think I want to try again?”

He furrowed his brow and stared at something he’d written.

“I feel as though you would benefit from anti-depressants.”

“So…you want to stop my next drug overdose by giving me more drugs?”

Wren sighed. She clearly wasn’t taking this seriously.

“I believe you can make progress if you really try.” He reached for a pamphlet. “I don’t know much about the program, as I’m actually not based out of this hospital, but my colleague here highly recommends it. The next meet is in two hours. Perhaps you can sit in on it.”

“So, is it like _AA_ for psychos and whiners or something?” She looked at the pamphlet. _No thanks_.

“It’s an organization run by our partner volunteer program. I truly think you’ll benefit from it. And unless you complete a group session and an individual session I’ll be forced to alert the authorities that you left against medical advice.”

“So much for doctor-patient confidentiality.” Emily snorted angrily.

“It wouldn’t be in violation. Physicians are required to report dangerous and reckless behavior that could result in you or someone around you getting hurt.”

“Well, I’ll make it easy for you. I don’t have anyone around me.”

“Yes, well, that still leaves you.”

“Who cares about me?”

“Emily…” He said, “Miss Fields…”

Emily held up her hand.

“I’ll go to your stupid little camp and sing kumbaya. Just don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I need to be pitied.”

“I’ll let the program director know you’re coming.”

Emily wandered the halls of the hospital for a while, just trying to get used to being back on her feet. She’d felt so confined in her hospital room. It was nice to be able to breathe again.

After a few hours she wandered down to the bottom floor, the same place the cafeteria was located. She walked by the lunch room and down a hall to a room with double doors that led outside. Above the doors in bold arced lettering read the phrase, “Peace Garden”.

“Jesus.” Emily muttered. Even the meeting place seemed disgustingly fuzzy. “Bunch of hippies.”

She opened the door and walked out into a man-made indoor garden filled with a mixture of real and fake potted plants. There was a trickling river that ran into a pond where there was a meditation fountain. The surrounding windows were glimpses outside where natural sunlight was pouring into the room.

There were several chairs with people facing the lightly flowing fountain, where a petite blonde had her back turned as she spoke about letting the sun in.

Her voice triggered something in Emily. She paced forward a few steps, accidentally catching her foot on the bottom of a fake plant, knocking it over.

Her vision went white. She felt herself choking on something in her throat. Instead of meditation plants she saw thick brush. Instead of the sun she felt hot desert sand scratching her face. She could hear the screams of her squad just yards away from her. She bit down on her tongue so hard that she drew blood.

Everyone in the room turned to face her. But Emily’s eyes immediately locked on the girl who was leading the group.

_Alison._

“And so…” Alison stopped talking when she saw Emily.

The brunette was in the same clothes that she’d been in when Alison found her. In the light she could see how much of her figure was accentuated by her spaghetti strap top. Her jeans were hugging her hips. When she’d seen Emily in her hospital bed, she’d only been able to see her scars. But looking at her now she couldn’t peel her eyes away from her body.

She could see her tattoos better in the light of day. They were like a painted portrait of beauty. She was gorgeous. Her chest was perfectly exquisite. Her arms were lean and strong. Her legs were tone and long.

The blonde started to smile at her, though she could tell that something was wrong. Emily had a strange look in her eyes. Alison could sense her fear. And it was more than just fear. It was a sheer look of terror. But then there was a strange flash on Emily’s face, and a warm soulful expression washed over her. She couldn’t stop staring at Alison.

Alison could tell that the brunette was captivated by her beauty.

Emily was quite certain that Alison was the most perfect girl she’d ever seen. She was even more angelic than Emily remembered. She hadn’t been able to fully appreciate her beauty before. Her eyes were piercing and alluring. Her soft complexion and heart-shaped face looked like something out of a fashion magazine. Most noticeably, her dimples were to die for. She was trim and had wavy golden hair flowing down her shoulders.

Emily blinked several times just to make sure she wasn’t in a drug-induced haze. The woman was picture perfect. And all Emily could imagine was what she would look like with her clothes off.

“Hello,” Alison said with a smile.

Emily did something she hadn’t done in a long time. She froze.

“Uh…is this the four o’clock therapy session. Am I late or something?”

“You’re right on time.” Alison motioned for her to come take a seat. It was the only one open. And it was right in front of her. “My name is Alison DiLaurentis. I run the counseling here.”

“Of fucking course you do.” Emily muttered. _Well, that’s just fucking perfect._

No wonder the woman wouldn’t let her die. She begrudgingly took a seat close enough to her that she could smell her perfume. She knew it was crazy, but she swore she could remember a faint whiff of it from a few nights ago when she was dying.

She could only imagine that the woman tasted as good as she smelled. She stared at her, picturing her naked…picturing her perky bosom and her milky white thighs…

_Fuck._

She was already having wet daydreams about the teacher. Her brothers in the army used to tease her about her sexual conquests. She could have any woman she wanted, and she did. But she’d never been with the same girl more than once. She was notorious for being a player, and any time she went longer than the boys without getting some action she’d hear about it. She’d lost count of the times she’d heard the same conversation with the rowdy hornballs in her squad.

_“Nothing sweeter than fresh poontang in the morning.”_

_“I hear that.”_

_“Like you’ve ever been able to please a woman, Kahn?”_

_“What’s the matter, Fields? Those lady nuts of yours turning blue? Got a little slit fit going on? Don’t worry your pretty little head. I can take care of that hot twat if you are aching that bad.”_

_“Knock it off, man. That’s my sister.”_

Ethan didn’t take the squad’s bullshit. Emily had told him more than once that she could handle herself, but sometimes the way the rest of the guys talked to her pissed him off. He had an instinctive need to protect her. It’s what had gotten him killed.

_“Yeah, Kahn. Get fucked. I wouldn’t touch your dick if I was on fire and it was filled with water.”_

_“I’ll show you filled.”_ He’d grabbed his junk and jokingly thrust it into his hand.

_“I’ve met women with bigger pinkies than you. Besides, you wouldn’t know what to do with it. It’s not the same as tugging your little pork sausage with your right hand.”_

The boys howled and shoved him when Emily’s insult landed.

_“I’m ambidextrous,”_ he’d retorted.

_“With your hand-eye coordination? You expect me to believe someone who can’t even hit the broad side of a barn at target practice has hand-dick coordination? Not to mention your Vienna sausage isn’t enough to fill up one hand, let alone two.”_

There was another round of “ooohs” and “ahhhs” and a rowdy “oh damn” from the boys.

_“Just give up, Kahn. She owned your ass.” _

_“Next time, Fields…”_

_“Bring it.”_

The boys never meant any harm when they teased Emily. In fact, they loved her. But they didn’t know what was beyond the surface. They didn’t realize that she slept around because of her upbringing. Her brother had tried to talk to her about it, but she shut down.

The truth was that she didn’t like attachments. She’d never been emotionally involved with anyone, and she refused to let another woman take control. Yet, something about Alison made her _want_ to expose that vulnerable part of herself.

But not in front of a group full of strangers.

Emily leaned back in her chair, giving off a presence of apathy. She picked at the straps on her shirt, mindlessly taking note of the fact that it had been covered in vomit when she got to the hospital. She only found out right before her group powwow that the bubbly little nurse had taken it upon herself to clean the splashes of vomit off as best she could. She’d done a pretty decent job, though Emily still would have worn her clothes on her way out anyway even if they’d still been covered in vomit. She’d been covered in stains worse than vomit.

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at the other nutjobs she’d landed with.

There was an untidy girl with greasy blonde hair sitting in the corner nervously rocking back and forth and quietly uttering something that sounded like a melody under her breath.

A few feet in front of her there was another girl sucking on her curly black hair like it was a lollipop. To their left there was a pale skinny white guy with dark bags under his eyes. He had a strange smile on his face, like it had been painted on.

Emily looked at the two girls sitting next to her. They were both leaning away from her, staring at her like she had the plague. Clearly these people didn’t like newbies. Or perhaps they could sense how dangerous she was.

She had been around enough people with PTSD and sensitivities that she’d learned that they all seemed to harbor a sixth sense that normal people didn’t have. She had that sixth sense, too. She could look at someone and see right through them.

“Would you like to introduce yourself?” Alison asked.

_Seriously? Is this middle school? You know who the fuck I am. You took it upon yourself to insert yourself into my life you porcelain doll looking slice of perfection… _

“Name’s Emily.” She mumbled.

“Emily, we were just sharing our feelings…”

_The hell kind of kindergarten bullshit…_

“…would you like to say anything?”

Emily stared at Alison. She shook her head.

“Nah, I’m good.”

Emily wasn’t a talker. She never had been. She was someone who listened. She expected Alison to push her, but the blonde politely smiled at her and nodded. She turned her attention to the other participants.

Emily listened to the plights of the other patients. There was a boy named Charles, a shy blonde, who was depressed because his family abandoned him when they found out he liked boys.

_Been there, brother._ Emily thought to herself.

Then there was a girl named Melissa, who’d had a nervous breakdown because her family strived for perfection and it had pushed her to the breaking point.

The girl sitting next to Emily was Hanna, who was in for an eating disorder. Hanna smiled at Emily and lifted her brows flirtatiously. Clearly food was the only thing she had a problem eating. She looked ravenous when it came to eating other things. She didn’t look nearly as whacked out as the others. She was probably in for some mandatory thing, too. Perhaps she had a family member who cared…or a pushy British doctor who “wanted the best for her”.

The small petite brunette next to Hanna grumbled something. Her name was Mona and she struggled with a split personality. But right now all she was focused on was the fact that Hanna’s attention was on Emily. She glowered at Emily like she was marking her territory. Emily looked back at her with indifference.

Emily listened to their stories. She sympathized, which is something she didn’t even know she was still capable of doing. After the shit she’d seen overseas she’d often wondered if her emotions had become deadened. It turns out that she felt their pain _more_ than she felt her own. She hated it. She wished she could turn her emotions off.

She watched the interactions between the others. Some of them seemed to know each other pretty well. Some of them probably knew one another as more than just friends. Hanna and Mona seemed really close. At one point in the middle of the session Mona smiled at Hanna and stroked the other girl’s wavy blonde locks.

“I like your hair.” She seemed mesmerized by it. “So pretty. Like a doll.”

“Thanks. I grew it myself.” Hanna gave Mona a cheeky smile.

Hanna grabbed Mona’s hand and they grinned at one another.

_Yep, definitely banging in the supply closet._

The session was almost over. Emily thought she was home free, but Alison glanced at her again.

“Emily?” She called attention to her.

Emily hated her for it. She felt like a kid who was trying to lie low in class, but the teacher just _had_ to call her out in front of everyone.

“Or…would you prefer Sergeant Fields?”

_Fuck me. She has been researching me. Fuck my life…_

“Emily is fine.” She didn’t feel like she deserved the title anyway.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to share?”

Emily stared at her for a good long minute before she answered, a silent _fuck you,_ and then she shook her head.

“I’ve got nothing to share.”

It was a lie. She could write a book on her life. She had a feeling that Alison knew that.

“Everyone has a story.” Alison encouraged.

“Well, not me.”

Alison was trying to remain professional. Usually when someone didn’t open up, they were told not to force it. But for her own selfish reasons she wanted to know more about Emily.

She’d been unable to access anything worthwhile in her medical files, so she’d turned to the best thing that had ever happened to anti-privacy.

Modern technology.

With the click of a mouse she’d found herself browsing through a sea of different websites and social media profiles searching for her. She hadn’t found anything about her on social media, which didn’t surprise her, because military life wasn’t really conducive to sharing personal things online. Or perhaps she was hiding from something, or someone. Either way, she didn’t have a digital footprint.

The web searches hadn’t been much help either. _Emily Fields_ yielded millions of profiles of people who shared her name. She tried refining her search by adding keywords and she’d finally found a story by a small local reporter.

The headline read, _“Sole survivor of ambush attack gets hero’s welcome and purple heart”_.

She’d clicked on it and read about how Emily’s entire squad had been killed in an ambush. Alison had welled up with tears reading the story. She couldn’t imagine the horrors that Emily had seen.

Emily had barely survived. She’d been rescued and airlifted to a local medical bay, where the medical personal had fought to save her life. Once she was stable she was flown back to the states.

There were two photos of Emily in the article. One was of her in tactical wear standing with her unit. They looked very close. The soldier standing next to her was leaning near her, hovering protectively.

The second photo was of Emily in a hospital bed. Someone in uniform was standing next to her, shaking her hand, clearly for the photo op. There was a heavy sadness in the girl’s eyes. Alison could still see that sadness today.

“This is a safe space…”

Something about the way Alison said it made Emily want to blow her top. _Nowhere_ was safe for her. She’d never be safe again.

“I said no!” Emily tensed up. “I’m not fucking crazy. I don’t belong here.”

She felt a rising panic in her chest. Everyone was staring at her. She didn’t want the attention. She didn’t _need_ it. It was a danger to her.

“Well, that’s not very nice,” Mona said with a frown.

“It was kind of hot though.” Hanna smirked.

Clearly Hanna didn’t have a filter. Normally, Emily would have appreciated that. But she was too busy freaking out to notice. She didn’t respond to Mona or Hanna.

Alison saw her completely shut down. She took note of the reaction. She didn’t call any more attention to her in the session.

Emily managed to make it through the rest of the session without blowing up again. She felt like an idiot, because she still had to make it through an individual session with Alison.

The group therapy session was hell, but it was nothing compared to the individual one that her damn doctor had prescribed. He’d told her that she would be clear to leave if her therapist deemed she was ready.

How the fuck was she supposed to pretend her suicide attempt didn’t mean something when it had been Alison who had brought her back from the brink of it? How did she make someone who cared _that_ much believe that she wasn’t _worth_ caring about?

* * *

**A/N:** _Emily is going through some massive shit here. The content is going to continue to get darker, so I just wanted to make sure everyone is still doing okay and taking care of themselves and eating their vegetables. Depression, PTSD, and suicidal thoughts are a daily battle for many, and I understand that. For many it’s not just one day at a time. It’s one step at a time. One breath at a time. _


	3. Interpersonal Therapy

**A/N: ** _This one is kind of a wild ride. Then again, most of what I write is. But it definitely takes a turn. It’s...descriptive._

_Also, just a quick FYI, I've had some shit go down in my life and I'm about to be living in my car, as the house I'm living in is being sold and I've only been able to find part time work. And while I can appreciate the "starving artist" concept I'd kinda not like to play it in real life. So I've swallowed my pride and created a Ko-fi account so people who enjoy my work can send me tips if they feel so inclined. ko-fi(/)ellakay._

* * *

**Chapter 3:**

**Interpersonal Therapy**

After the group dispersed Alison told Emily where they’d be meeting for their one-on-one. It was an office that belonged to one of the doctors in the hospital. He had been working with Alison and her cause for almost two years, and he tried to arrange it so patients didn’t have to leave the hospital before she thought they were ready. He rarely used his office, so he rented it out to her for no charge.

Emily dreaded seeing her again. She’d already made a fucking fool of herself. Over the years she’d become an expert at lying, but something about lying to the blonde made her feel wrong. It was hard for her to look in her penetrating blue eyes and make up some lame-ass story that she knew Alison would never buy anyway.

She made her way to Alison’s borrowed office, dreading the conversation, but also intrigued to see her again. She found Alison seated in a chair behind a desk. She was scribbling something in a notepad.

When she walked into the room Alison glanced at her. Something about the way Emily carried herself roused an unyielding desire in her. She felt an attraction. And she knew it was wrong. Because the girl clearly wasn’t in any place for emotional connections. But it was hard to resist her hormones. Emily had such a magnetic presence, like she was the only person in the world. She was exhibiting a quiet confidence that she’d been lacking in the group session.

Alison took a moment to notice just how striking she was. Despite the hospital stay she was chiseled and buff, but with soft curves and an effeminate face. Her eyes were a dark shade of brown with a light creamy tint that she hadn’t been able to see in the darkness that first night they met. She tried not to stare at her.

_God, her lips are so beautiful._

Emily’s gaze did something to her, and she could only imagine what those plump rounded lips must taste like. Alison quickly quieted her lust for desire. She knew it would be wrong to get involved in more than a professional manner.

“Close the door.” Alison glanced back at her notepad, just to avoid looking at her.

Her life had been a series of broken people she’d tried to fix. And this girl was no different.

Yet she _was_ different. There was something about her. Alison couldn’t quite figure it out.

“Why? You gonna take your clothes off or something?” Emily scoffed as she pushed the door shut.

“For privacy. I understand that you value yours. I didn’t mean to make you feel cornered in the group session.”

“It’s fine.” Emily buried her hands in her pockets and shuffled her left foot against the floor. She couldn’t maintain eye contact with Alison either, which sparked a curiosity in the would-be therapist.

“I think I went about it the wrong way for you. And I apologize for that. I understand what someone like you shoulders in the wake of the tragedies you see…”

“You _understand_?” Emily asked with a raised brow. How could pretty little miss perfect even begin to understand the shit her brothers and sisters in arms went through?

“I recognize the signs. Not just from my work. But my brother Jason. He came back from one trip over there, and he…he wasn’t my brother anymore. So, yes. I understand the physical and mental aspect of the hell anyone who has done it has to go through.”

That sparked curiosity in the young veteran.

“He saw action, huh? How bad?”

“Don’t know. He wouldn’t talk about it.” She stared Emily down. “A lot like you.”

Emily nodded.

“Don’t take it personal. Civilians just can’t understand it on the same level.”

“That’s fair.” Alison didn’t argue.

Emily saw a sad look on her face. Sometimes she forgot it was just as hard for the families of people in the army as it was for them.

“Big things for him were not being out in crowd...or going somewhere that had loud noises. Those are his PTSD triggers.”

“Sucks for him.” Emily focused on a paperweight on the desk.

She wasn’t really listening to what Alison was saying. She couldn’t listen. She couldn’t let that part of her in. Alison saw her trying to zone out.

“I feel as though that when I put you on the spot I opened something in you that you’d been holding in since you got back. I saw something spark inside of you when you walked into that therapy session. The way you froze. The way your observations seemed to be out of your head. I saw your eyes. You look paralyzed…like you were in a war zone.”

Emily wanted to scream. There it was. The sympathy she didn’t want.

“Yeah, because I’d been blindsided into playing a real life character from _One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest_.” She replied defensively.

“It was more than that.” Alison gently moved out from behind the desk. “How long has it been happening?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she rebuffed. “I just…wasn’t expecting to walk into…_that_. And I got a…a little disoriented. I haven’t slept for shit in days. And when I kicked over that stupid plant it startled me.”

“Don’t bullshit me, Emily.”

Her tone was curt. Different from what Emily had heard on the phone and in that therapy session today. It was a tone that told her that Alison was far more experienced with people like her than she let on. And it was kind of hot. For a brief moment she felt like pinning her to the desk and fucking her until her eyes rolled back into her head.

“How long have you been flashing back to your time overseas?” Alison questioned.

“I never fucking left.” She bit back.

“Is that what pushed you over the edge the night you took those drugs?”

_Real fucking Einstein. Any dipshit with a brain could come to that conclusion._

“What do you think?”

“How often does it happen?” Alison asked.

“Look, opening up these wounds is fascinating. But it’s not going to do dick for me. I’m not here to have some big revelation about my life. I’m just here to do my required reading assignment or whatever little shitty thing I’ve got to do to get out of here.”

“Well, I’m not just going to sign off on something I don’t believe in. I don’t want you back in here after you’ve run for the razor blades…”

_A bullet would be less painful._

“Jesus, what is it with you?” Emily clenched her jaw. “Why do you give a shit? You don’t even know me. And I’ve been nothing but a fucking asshole to you since the second we met.”

“There’s more to you than that.”

“No. There’s really not.”

“There is.”

“Keep dreaming, sweetheart.”

“I used to _be_ you, Emily.”

“Excuse me?” _Is this my therapy session or hers?_

Emily didn’t stop to think that Alison was trying to establish a rapport with her. By talking about her life she was hoping to get Emily to open up about hers.

“I was hateful and angry. I took my problems out on the people in my life. I was a miserable person.”

_What the fuck kind of reverse psychology is this?_ Emily frowned.

“_You_?” Emily scoffed. “Princess Perfect?”

“We all have a dark side.” Alison’s was darker than she was letting on. “But instead of taking my aggression out on myself, which you seem to do,” She motioned for Emily to sit down, which she ignored, “I lashed out at other people. Because of my actions I drove a girl to try and commit suicide in high school.”

“Really? How can I get _that_ counselor?” The one who didn’t give a fuck. The one who would let her just end it.

“This is not a joke.” Alison hissed. “I’ve seen what this can lead to…”

“Yeah, you interrupted it three nights ago.” Emily scoffed.

“You called for help. Somewhere deep down there’s…”

“There’s what?” Emily snapped harshly. “A girl who truly loves life and wants to live it all rainbows and kittens and butterflies? Sorry to burst your bubble, but I took those fucking pills because I don’t _see_ pretty flowers and happy children. I see war and dead mutilated bodies. I see death every day. And I’m tired of it. I took those pills because I _wanted_ to. I knew what I was doing. I wanted it to stop.”

“Of course you did. You seem to use self-punishment more than any other forms of abuse. I’m not as familiar with that. I personally used bullying as a form of relief.”

“That’s why you’re doing all this goody-goody stuff now? To make up for all the bad? Make it right with your God before you bite the big one…”

“I don’t believe in God.”

The way she’d said it with such a sharp growl in her tone surprised Emily. Something had happened to her in her life that had turned her against religion.

There was a beat of silence. Emily looked at a picture on the wall, staring at the peeling paint near the corner of the room.

“Yeah, me neither.” She shrugged. How could she believe that any higher power would have put her through the hell she’d been through? “So, why do you do it?”

“Because I owe it to people like you…and my brother. And everyone who has ever felt so lost that they don’t see a way out. To know that I pushed someone to that point…to make them feel at their lowest, it was a turning point for me. I was not a good person, and I realized I wanted to do something to help.”

“So…what exactly is it that you do?”

“I’m in the private non-profit sector.”

“Which means what?”

“We work with donors who contribute to causes for suicide prevention and awareness and treatment for depression and anxiety.”

“Why didn’t you just go to med school?”

“The kind of help that I want to provide can’t be confined to just a medical setting. I want to work in outreach. I want to be in the community. I want to actually make a difference, not throw medication at the problem and hope for the best.”

_Impressive._ Someone who knew that there was more to emotional pain than just biology.

“I got my graduate degree in Psychology. I’m thinking about going back for my Doctorate.”

“How old are you?” Emily asked curiously.

“26. And you?”

“24.”

“Did you go to college?”

“No. Never really thought about it, to be honest. I packed up and joined the army the second I turned 18. They have programs for schooling, but I didn’t look into it. I just needed a fresh start, you know? I thought I could figure it out when I got my head on straight.” Emily picked at a piece of wallpaper that was peeling off of the wall. “They don’t really tell you what it’s going to be like. I mean, you get a general idea. And they work you out until you’re confident you could take on anything that comes up. But…they really _can’t_ prepare you mentally.”

Alison watched as Emily retreated into herself. She stared at the imperfections in the office as she talked about her personal strife.

“I got hurt six months in. This other newbie and I were trying to clear a building. This attacker came at us out of nowhere. Stabbed me in the back and got the other kid in the chest. I managed to get a shot off, but it was too late for the kid. And I lost a kidney.”

“That must have been hard.”

_Would have given my other kidney for the kid’s life._ _Should have been me…_

She’d watched him choke on his own blood. Though it hadn’t been the first person she’d seen killed at close range, it was the first person she’d seen killed in action overseas. She’d tried to mentally box it away with everything else, but she’d never gotten the image of his dying breaths out of her mind.

Emily finally made eye contact with her again. Alison saw a quiet pain hiding deep inside, but she also saw extraordinary bravery.

“You learn to adapt. You have to in order to survive.” Her simple response seemed to mean more than one thing.

Alison had seen it before. It was textbook for someone who had come from a broken home. Jason had done the same thing.

“What were you running from?” Alison questioned.

“Excuse me?”

“When you joined the army.” She clarified. “You said you joined when you were 18.”

It startled Emily. She didn’t like that Alison was asking all the right questions.

“What makes you think I was running from something?” She dodged it.

“Most people are.”

“Maybe I just wanted to serve my fucking country.” Emily shrugged.

“My brother was running.” Alison held her gaze. She was trying to tread carefully. “Our home life was…less than stellar.”

She saw Emily flinch. The brunette was repressing something, but she also looked like she felt the urge to protect Alison from her past, like she wouldn’t ever let any harm come to her. There was a sensual sort of softness to it. To care about someone enough to protect them. She wished she’d had someone like Emily in her life when she was younger.

“My parents were hard on us, especially my brother.” Alison continued. She observed as Emily’s eyes widened and her jaw tightened. Clearly she’d hit a nerve. “It was a…volatile environment sometimes…”

“Why are you telling me all of this?” Emily’s fingers curled into her palm as her hands wound into tight fists.

“Because I understand what it feels like to want to get away.”

Emily snorted, rolling her eyes.

“You have no idea what I’ve been through.”

“You keep saying that, and I keep saying the same thing. I _want_ to know.”

Emily didn’t know what to say. She wanted to open up to her and tell her everything. But at the same time she was terrified. And she didn’t like being afraid. Bad things happened when she was afraid.

“I…” The room felt like it was closing in on her. “I don’t…”

The walls looked warped. The sound of the overhead lights was buzzing in her ears.

“Emily?” Alison moved over towards her.

“I can’t be here. I…can’t breathe.” She whipped around towards the door. She was ready to bolt.

“Emily, stop.” Alison reached out to grab her arm.

She knew it was a mistake the second she put her hands on her. It had been nothing more than a reflex. She’d forgotten about the PTSD. She’d just been desperate to keep Emily from walking out the door.

Alison’s innocent motion had triggered everything bad that had ever happened to Emily. When Emily lifted her head she wasn’t in the safety of the hospital. She was exposed and vulnerable. She was reliving her fears. She felt large burly hands against her throat, squeezing the life out of her. She felt the fear of death looming over her. And as much as she wanted to die, her body’s natural reaction when it came to “fight or flight” was fight.

Emily spun around and snatched Alison’s wrist, pushing her arm up and moving defensively against her. She moved so quickly that Alison didn’t even realize she’d been shoved up against the wall. She looked into Emily’s eyes and saw an empty shell – a feral animal trying to defend herself. She had her arm against Alison’s throat.

“Emily…” Alison managed to keep her cool. She carefully reached up and put her fingertips against Emily’s cheek, just as she’d done when the brunette had panicked her first night in the hospital. “It’s okay. You’re safe. I’m not going to hurt you. You don’t have to fight anymore. You’re safe.”

Emily saw a world of kindness in her eyes. She blinked blankly at the feel of Alison’s touch against her face. Her heaving breaths slowed to a more shallow pace. She loosened her grip.

“I uh…” She swallowed a knot in her throat.

She was beyond words. She moved away from Alison and took a shuddering breath. She ran her fingers through her tangled hair.

“I’m sorry. You…” She seemed shaken, “…you shouldn’t have grabbed me.”

She pressed her back against the crevice in the wall and sank to the floor, her face buried in her palms. Silent tears streamed down her cheeks as she breathed heavily into her hands.

“No, that’s not right.” She seemed to be talking to herself more than to Alison. “It…it’s my fault. I…I shouldn’t have…” Emily shook her head. All she could picture was the dying screams of her brothers overseas. She saw flashes of Ethan. Then it got worse. Her little sister. Her baby sister. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

When she pulled her hands away from her face she saw Alison kneeling in front of her. She had moved back to give her some space, but she was still close enough that she could reach out to touch her cheek again.

“Just focus on your breathing.”

“I _am_ fucking breathing.” That was the problem. She was breathing, and as long as she was breathing she was suffocating. “Oh God.” She uttered. “This is stupid.” She groaned. “This is so fucking stupid.”

She curled up, her body feeling like a stranger she didn’t recognize. She took heaving breaths until she finally got back into a normal breathing pattern. She looked at Alison, who had a mixture of concern and sympathy on her face.

“How…how did you know what to do?” Emily asked.

How did she _always_ know what to do? It was annoying. Emily didn’t like people who could see through her, and she could tell that when Alison looked at her she could see everything.

“Because it’s part of the process…”

“There _is_ no process.” Emily argued.

“Please just let me help you…”

“No! I. Don’t. Belong. Here.” Emily bit through her teeth.

Emily was trembling, emotions flowing through her body. Emotions she couldn’t control. The pain and the rage that she felt was making it hard for her to concentrate on her breathing.

“Just breathe,” Alison said calmly. “In and out.”

“I don’t belong here,” she said again, this time meekly. She looked helpless. Her eyes were brimming with tears.

“Emily, just look at me. This isn’t going to last. There is an end. Just look at me and breathe.”

Emily heaved out a heated breath and nodded as she kept her eyes focused on Alison. She watched Alison’s chest rise and fall and tried to mimic her motions. She could feel her chest slowing down. She could feel the air expanding in her lungs.

For several minutes the air in the room was quiet except for the sounds of Emily trying to catch her breath. Alison laid her palms against either side of Emily’s neck.

“Better?” Alison asked.

Emily was too caught up in Alison’s eyes to respond with words. Instead, she just nodded. She pushed herself to her feet, blinking absentmindedly. Alison followed her motions. She saw a stray tear against Emily’s cheek and she reached up and brushed it away. Her fingers lingered against Emily’s jaw.

Their faces were inches apart. Both of them were breathing heavily. The air around them changed. Emily started to close the distance between them, but hesitated, leaving her lips ghosting over Alison’s. She held her gaze. There was a quiet sensitivity in Alison’s eyes, but there was also something darker looming, something that Emily felt connected to. She reached up and strummed her fingers through Alison’s soft blonde locks.

That was the breaking point for the blonde. Alison blinked and then seconds later she was moving forward to capture Emily’s lips. Something came over her that she couldn’t control, something she didn’t _want_ to control. It was more than just the heat of the moment. It was her heart’s desire. She couldn’t pull herself away from Emily if she tried. She’d never felt such a gripping passion, a need for her touch…her taste.

Emily responded by pushing back against the kiss. She spun her around and pushed Alison against the wall, her mouth moving down to the side of her neck. Emily’s palms were above her hips holding her firmly in place. Alison dug her fingernails into Emily’s back as she groaned into their kiss.

When Alison felt Emily’s hands gliding up her shirt she realized what they were doing. And where they were doing it.

“Wait,” Alison huffed out. “We really shouldn’t.” She put her hands against Emily’s abdomen, though she didn’t push her away. Her fingertips traced the lines of her abs. Her skin felt so good.

“Doesn’t mean we can’t.” Emily grinned at the blonde, a sultry look on her face. She scanned Alison’s face for any trace of hesitance before softly adding, “Do you want to stop?”

Alison shook her head and pushed her lips against Emily’s again. Emily took control of the kiss, her lips commanding and quick. Alison felt Emily’s tongue moving delicately against the slit in her lips, pushing for more. Her tongue slid in easily, finding a rhythm with Alison’s motions. Alison’s teeth grazed Emily’s bottom lip as she pulled her close.

Alison let her take control of the kiss, but she maintained control of their bodies. She pressed her chest against Emily’s and melted into their embrace. She reached up and pulled Emily closer, gripping at the back of her neck. She wanted more, and Emily sensed it.

Emily reached for the front of her blouse, breaking their kiss long enough to ask,

“Can I?”

“You fucking better.”

Emily smirked. She liked how commanding this woman was. There was something intriguing about the way she had a balance of control.

Emily’s fingers worked rapidly against the buttons on Alison’s shirt, exposing her chest and her frilly pink bra.

“I didn’t figure you for a little pink bunny. What sweet little sorority did you pledge to? Kappa Kappa Girlie-Girl?”

“Shut up.” Alison gripped Emily’s sides. Emily chuckled, trying to get a proper answer. “I was Kappa Delta.”

“Mmm, so you _were_ a sorority bitch.” Emily nibbled on the side of Alison’s jaw as her palms landed against her breasts.

“Had my pick of _any_ girl I wanted…”

“You were _that_ kind of sorority girl?”

Alison grinned. She didn’t give Emily the chance to unhook her bra. She reached up and popped the clasp. Her bra fell on the ground between them. Emily’s eyes widened in delight.

Alison grabbed Emily’s cheeks and placed a hard kiss against her lips as they twirled around the room, knocking over a coat rack and a small potted fern.

The crash made Emily jump, but she didn’t stop her motions. She moved every time Alison moved. She dipped down and pressed a kiss against her left breast while finessing the nipple on her right one. Seconds later Alison felt the brunette’s hot tongue against her breastbone.

Alison felt herself dripping into her underwear. She grabbed Emily’s hand and moved it underneath her skirt so she could feel what she was doing to her. Emily rubbed her fingers against her lacy panties, feeling her own inner heat burning her from the inside. She gripped Alison’s underwear and pulled them down so she could have better access.

She pushed the blonde up against the back of a large armchair and held her in place as she gently teased her, moving back and forth. Alison’s hips started bucking and Emily grinned against her chest, biting down on her left breast just hard enough to leave a mark.

She peered up at Alison as she drew slow sensual circles between her legs. Alison’s breath hitched in her throat. Emily watched as she closed her eyes and threw her head back and moaned. She took the opportunity to nip at the thin skin on Alison’s exposed neck, biting and sucking. She could feel Alison’s shaky breaths against her cheek. She knew she was close.

Emily lifted Alison’s thigh and entered her roughly without warning. Alison cried out. In that one motion the blonde could feel the amount of anger Emily had stored inside. But there was so much more in her movements. The second she cried Emily stopped and stared at her with a look of concern.

When she saw the pain on the blonde’s face, her expression softened. She hadn’t realized she was being so hard on her. She’d also gotten so caught up in the moment that she’d forgotten to ask if Alison was okay with it.

“Oh, shit. I didn’t mean…did…are you not…I’m so sorry,” Emily started to pull her fingers out, but Alison reached down to hold her wrist in place.

“I didn’t say to fucking stop, did I?” Her eyes flashed with a dark lust of passion.

She adjusted quickly. Emily felt Alison throb around her intrusion. Her walls pulsed as she got used to the feeling of Emily being inside of her. Alison nodded and Emily started moving her fingers in and out, slowly, as she curled them. She lifted Alison’s leg higher against her ribs and began to put more and more pressure against her center as her fingers sped up.

“Harder.” Alison bit down on her bottom lip.

It had been a long time since someone had made her this wet…made her feel _this_ wanted. It was the excitement of lust with a slight undertone of soft emotion.

She held on to Emily, gripping and squeezing her biceps. She looked at the images underneath her fingers on the tattooed sleeve of pictures and words on Emily’s right arm. She moved her fingers up to her collar bone and traced the barrage of scars.

She gasped when she felt Emily lift her up off of the ground. Her eyes locked on Emily’s as the brunette’s fingers curled inside of her. She cried out in pleasure, but immediately stifled her moans so they wouldn’t draw the attention of the hospital staff. But Emily didn’t seem to care about that. She _wanted_ to hear her.

The backs of Alison’s knees hit the desk, knocking everything to the ground. But they didn’t care. They were swept up in the moment. Emily continued her assault with her fingers while Alison writhed against the desk. Just as Alison was about to hit her peak Emily pulled out.

Alison looked at her, annoyed, but before she could ask what the hell Emily thought she was doing Emily got a wicked smile on her face. She moved her fingers up to her lips and traced her tongue along the wetness that had gathered against them. She put them in her mouth and sucked against them until they were clean. Alison felt herself twitch in response.

Emily leaned down until her face was in between Alison’s thighs. She kissed the grooves of her inner pelvis and Alison moaned.

“Stop teasing.” She complained.

Emily grabbed Alison’s thighs, pulling them closer to the edge of the desk. Her grip was strong and the motion happened quickly, her legs falling over Emily’s shoulders. Seconds later she felt Emily’s plump lips against her core and she yelped and grabbed the back of Emily’s head to push her closer.

Emily ran the length of her tongue across Alison’s wet engorged slits and then she started playing with her clit, sucking it, nudging it, licking it. She felt Alison’s legs tightening around her neck, her thighs squeezing the side of Emily’s head as she bucked out of control.

Emily slipped her fingers back in and found that her insides were pulsing with desire. So she delicately licked her entrance before pushing her warm rough tongue inside. She moved with the rhythm of her breathing.

_In and out. In and out. In and out._

She felt Alison getting ready to let go again and she moved two fingers in her, bringing her tongue up to lick what was already dripping through her legs. She moved up to Alison’s face, her lips harshly pushing against the blonde as she slammed into her with her fingers, adding a third.

“Emily…” Alison couldn’t breathe.

She was thrusting hard, her ass nearly coming off of the desk as she bucked against the motions. She was clawing at her desperately, trying to pull her closer.

“Say it again, Alison.” Emily whispered huskily against her face.

“Emily!” Her nails dug into Emily’s back as her eyes rolled back into her skull.

Emily grinned when she saw the sheer pleasure on her face.

_There it is. _The face she’d wanted to see.

Alison bit down on her lip.

“Oh shit.” She groaned, a hot liquid spilling out of her, dripping down Emily’s wrist and on to her thighs.

Her body fell into a seizure of small bursts of ecstasy, her thighs squeezing Emily’s hand hard, keeping her in place as she came. Her inner walls were throbbing fast against Emily’s fingers.

Emily watched her facial expressions as she hit her peak. Her jaw dropped, her face froze and her eyelids fluttered as her body rocked with spasms.

Emily held her as her body twitched. She slowly moved her fingers. Every time she pulled out and gently pushed back in Alison felt like she was coming again. She pushed her forehead against Emily’s shoulder and squeaked as she felt her body burning in ways that she hadn’t felt in years. She held on to Emily like a lifeline, whimpering content cries of pleasure every time she felt her fingers trace her insides.

Emily pulled back to look at her, cupping her chin and gently kissing her. She finally slowed her movements, moving her thumb against her tight pulsing clit. She gently curled her fingers inside of the blonde, watching as her face contorted in ecstasy. And Alison realized that Emily wasn’t stopping.

“Oh…ohGod, Jesus Christ, Emily.” She huffed, unable to breathe. “_Again_?”

“I could make you come all night, Alison.” She whispered against her ear.

Emily’s sharp words and her pressing heavily against her clit sent another wave of pleasure coursing through Alison. It felt so good that it was starting to hurt, in the best way. Her muscles tensed. She bit down on Emily’s collar bone. She groaned. Her body felt like it was on fire. She felt a burning from inside her veins.

“I…I can’t.”

“Yes you can.” Emily whispered a hot breath against her ear, her tongue teasing the tip of it. She felt Alison shudder. She was close again.

“No, I…it’s too much. I…can’t…”

But she did. Alison screwed her eyes shut, her hips trembling as they pulsed erratically. She started to scream, but Emily slapped a hand over her mouth. Alison barely even registered it. She felt like she was having an out of body experience. She’d never had sex this intense. She’d never found anyone who’d been able to push her to her limits like this.

Something came over Alison. A need, a desire to feel Emily as she came again. In one swift motion she pushed her palm into Emily’s jeans. Her fingers quickly found the wet heat in between her legs, but before she could slip her fingers inside the brunette she felt Emily lifting her off of the desk.

Her hand flew out of Emily’s pants and automatically reached around her back for support. The new angle penetrated her even deeper. Her legs found a natural curve around Emily’s body and the motion pushed Emily’s fingers to a place that had never been reached before.

Emily’s movements were precise and calculated, but also had a formidable sensitivity and kindness behind them. It’s almost as if she’d been hurt before and she didn’t want anyone else to go through what she’d gone through. She was in control, but at the same time she was wildly spinning out.

Alison reached up to touch Emily’s face, which was buried against her shoulder.

“Emily, look at me.”

She did. And for a brief second it was more than just sex. It was a strange comfort. A need. A desire. Emily _felt_ something. Looking at Alison as she opened herself in every way, Emily felt more alive than she had felt in a long time.

Alison panted heavily against her face as she felt an ocean of pleasure rolling over her. She felt Emily’s fingers stiffen inside of her and then gently tap up into a spot that racked her with a feeling that sent lightning bolts of bliss into every nerve ending in her body. It was the most intense orgasm she’d ever had.

She screamed Emily’s name and then arched her back and moaned. Her body vibrated against Emily’s as another orgasm rocked her. All she could feel was Emily. All around her. About her. Inside of her.

She started losing feeling in her limbs as it hit her like shockwaves of hot lava pumping in her veins. After a few minutes she felt herself going completely limp in Emily’s arms. She was defenseless to stop it. Alison tightened her grip on Emily as she slid into a state of ecstasy.

Having Alison so close to her body as she peaked again sent a roaring white flash of heat through Emily’s body. A euphoric bliss that Emily had never felt before overwhelmed her. She gently sat Alison back against the desk as she kept her fingers in place, letting her ride it out. She slowly pulled out, her hot wet fingertips landing against Alison’s inner thigh.

She pushed some sweat soaked hair out of the blonde’s face, keeping her palm on her delicate skin as Alison heaved out heavy breaths. She peered into her deep blue eyes. They were darker than Emily remembered from the night they’d met.

Alison stared back at her, her palm against Emily’s neck. They moved in at the same time for a kiss. But the heat of lust was gone. It was gentle and quiet. Alison smiled at her, and Emily thought she was going to melt into the carpet. They sat there, staring at each other, heaving, holding one another.

The room was quiet for several minutes as they both came down from it. It was Emily who spoke first.

“Maybe therapy isn’t complete bullshit after all.”

Alison snickered out a quiet giggle. She pecked Emily’s lips again. Emily’s mouth was tingling and when she pulled away she realized the room around her was starting to get blurry. For a half a second she was terrified it had all been a fantasy. But then she realized it was just exhaustion. Her knees gave out and she collapsed against the ground, her stomach clenching in pain. She gripped the edge of the desk and side of the armchair, trying to hold herself in an upright position.

“Whoa, hey…Emily?” Alison moved off of the desk, kneeling down next to her. She put her fingers against Emily’s face. “Are you all right?”

“I should be asking you that question.” Emily managed to feign a smile.

_I’m the worst fucking therapist in the world. What did I just do? _Alison felt immediate regret, almost like she’d taken advantage of the girl, though she knew that wasn’t the case.

Emily quickly got her bearings, blaming it on the high of sex. She doubted Alison knew about her internal organs basically being useless. No way she would have let her do all that if she did know. Of course, she seemed to pry, so it would only be a matter of time before she found out. But that didn’t matter. Because Emily was planning to be long gone before then.

“You take my breath away.” Emily gripped the back of Alison’s neck with her palm.

The silly quip made Alison blush.

“I…I uh…I don’t normally do this.” _Especially _not with clients.

“Then I guess I’m your favorite patient.” Emily smirked. “That’s covered with my insurance, right?”

Alison lifted her brow at her.

_So fucking cocky._ And so fucking hot.

Alison helped Emily to her feet. Emily dragged her feet several inches and then plopped down in the chair they’d defiled. She didn’t think it would be a good idea to tell Alison that her feet were going numb. She knew it was a side effect of whatever the fuck was going on with her organs. She had the medications that Dr. Kingston had prescribed, but she wasn’t sure she was going to take them yet. What was the point?

Alison pulled her clothing off of the floor and put everything back on. Then she weaseled her way in next to Emily. She had the urge to be next to her hot sweaty body as they both came floating back down to reality. Emily seemed both comfortable and uncomfortable with their close proximity. Alison couldn’t stop staring at her.

_This is so unhealthy._ Alison thought to herself.

But she couldn’t stop herself from delicately playing with Emily’s hair, trying to straighten it and make it a little less obvious that they’d just had sex. She leaned against the brunette, resting her cheek against her collar bone as she stroked her arm. Emily felt goosebumps rising against the back of her neck and crawling down her spine. It had been a long time since she’d let anyone get this close to her.

“So, do I get an A+ in the class, or what?” Emily asked.

Alison laughed and rolled her eyes.

“We’ll see.” She quipped back, running her fingers over Emily’s hip. “I’m grading on a curve.”

“I’ve got a lot of those.” Emily smiled a wicked smile at her. She moved her hand over and put it on Alison’s inner thigh. She could still feel the heat radiating off of her skin through her skirt. “This is the weirdest therapy I’ve ever had.”

Alison buried her face in her hands in embarrassment. She’d never been so tenacious in her love-making before. The unbridled spur-of-the-moment act of passion had given her a sort of control she liked. A power in which she could be demanding and blunt, but relaxed, open, and passive. The idea of knowing exactly what she wanted and not being afraid to ask for it made her feel empowered. But it also made her feel shitty as hell, because she knew it was wrong. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t get involved with someone she was treating.

She pulled her hands away from her face, her cheeks flushed. Her dimples were the cutest thing Emily had ever seen.

“I hope that I helped…in some way.” Alison bit her lip.

Watching Alison draw her lip in between her teeth made Emily’s thighs twitch. Everything this fucking girl did had a line to her hormones.

“You’ve been _very_ helpful.” Emily reached down and cupped her ass. It was firm and round and it made Emily want to have another go at her, perhaps spin her around and take her from behind.

“So…um…what now? Am I…can I go, or…”

“I want to see you again.” Alison suddenly realized what that sounded like and she quickly added, “In another therapy session. I feel like we’ve barely scratched the surface…”

“Oh, I was way beyond the surface. I was _deep_ in it.” Emily disagreed, giving her a seductive look.

“I’m being serious. I know you think that this is just bullshit, but I do know how to read people. And when I look at you I can tell that you’re stronger than what hurt you.”

“If that were true I wouldn’t have ended up under that bridge four days ago.”

“You want to know what I think?” Alison asked.

“Something psychoanalytic and completely made up?”

“I think that you’re different.”

Emily snorted.

“Got anything less generic? That’s as laughable as astrology.”

“It’s hard for you to let people in.”

“I literally just had sex with you.”

“It’s not the same as making yourself emotionally available. It’s not the same as confronting your feelings. Sex and intimacy aren’t the same thing. You were…” Alison’s lips curled into a smile as she drifted off in thought. She could _still_ feel Emily. And she could feel an empty void where she wanted her. “You were absolutely amazing.”

_Damn right I was…_

“But you weren’t in it. You didn’t let me in. In fact, you worked hard to keep me out.”

“I don’t even know you. Do you fall in love with everyone you screw?”

“You’re holding back a lot of pain and anger. I can see it. I can feel it. But it’s more than just what happened to you overseas. This didn’t just start there, did it?”

It made Emily feel uncomfortable. Because it was real. _Too_ real.

Alison could see the pain on her face. She touched her hand. Emily recoiled and Alison backed off. They’d had sex. They’d touched each other. But clearly Emily wasn’t ready to do anything else. And Alison didn’t want to force her.

“Listen, I don’t want to push it. But I meant what I said. I _do_ want to know you…if you’re willing. I really do think that this could be good for you. So why don’t you come back? I’m here Tuesdays and Thursdays. But you can always reach me at the prevention hotline or at the home office.”

Emily’s gaze drifted away. She stared at a blemish on the wall.

“And maybe you should consider the anti-depressants…”

“No. I can’t.” She abruptly cut Alison off. “They tried to put me on those when I first got back. They fucked with my head worse than what happened to me over there.” Emily’s hands started shaking.

“Okay.” Alison said. “Okay. Just the therapy then.”

Emily thought about it.

“If I say yes, then what?”

“Then we can talk more.”

“And…_this_?” She gestured between the two of them, clearly referring to the sex.

“Like I said, it was incredible. But I think we…” She sighed. “We clearly got caught up in the moment. If…” She hesitated, because she wasn’t sure how she wanted to phrase the fact that she’d _love_ to do it again, but that it wasn’t conducive to Emily healing from her pain. It would just be a form of self-medication…for both of them, “…I just want to know you better.”

Emily nodded.

_She didn’t say yes to more sex. But she didn’t say no either. _Still, Emily knew she would never see her again.

“Sure, blondie. I’ll think about it.” She moved to stand up.

Alison stood next to her. They both glanced at the door.

“I’m going to go tell the warden you’re setting me free.”

Emily reached down to pull the strap of her shirt up against her shoulder. It had slid down her arm when they were in the middle of their encounter. She turned to walk out, but Alison gently moved next to her.

“Emily, promise me one thing.”

“What? No more suicide?” She sarcastically said as she threw her arms up jokingly. _Joke is on you. I’ll just let my body do the trick for me._

“I want you to call me if you ever feel the urge again.” She walked over towards the desk to grab a pen and a scrap of paper. She scribbled her direct line down on the paper and handed it to Emily. “You can call me no matter what. I promise I’ll always answer.”

“Sure.” Emily stuffed the sliver of paper in her pocket.

She turned her back to Alison and opened the door. She paused in the doorway. Walking away from the blonde was proving to be a lot harder than she thought. She could still taste her on her lips. And she had the urge to turn around and kiss her.

After a few seconds she paced forward, glancing back over her shoulder. Alison was watching her go, mentally kicking herself for crossing the line.

Emily got the feeling that Alison knew she wasn’t going to call and she sure as hell wasn’t going to come back. But she was respecting her decision to leave anyway. That’s more than anyone had ever done for her.

When she got to the check-out desk Wren was waiting on her. He noticed the difference in her gait, the difference in how she was carrying herself.

“Complete your session?” Wren asked.

_Oh, if you only knew…_

Emily had a huge grin on her face. She discreetly licked her bottom lip and rolled her thumb in circles against her index and middle finger…the fingers that had been _inside_ of her therapist.

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. “And you know, I might just come again.”

“That’s fantastic news. I’m glad it helped.”

Emily wasn’t sure what kind of help he was referring to, but if she did decide to do therapy it wouldn’t be for the kind of help the good doctor was thinking of.

She got her discharge paperwork and her written prescriptions and practically bolted out the sliding glass door. As she was walking away from the hospital she threw her middle finger up without looking back. But something changed in her mood when she looked over the written instructions.

_“_…_suggesting ongoing therapy sessions with Alison DiLaurentis from Suicide Lifeline Network.” _

_Alison DiLaurentis._

Emily stared at the name. She could still see her face from when they’d been in the throes of passion. She had been so fucking exquisite. She’d never seen anyone make those faces with her before. And having her _look_ at her when she let go was such an amazing experience. She had looked right into her, her eyes boring into her soul.

_Alison DiLaurentis._

That fucking name was going to haunt her until the day that she died, which she was hoping would be soon. Because it would be just her luck to get emotionally attached to someone again. It would be just her luck to fall in love when she’d practically been handed a death sentence.

She looked at the name again and sighed.

_Fuck my life._

* * *

**A/N:** _Definitely not the healthiest way to start a relationship. I was, as always, a neurotic mess writing the bedroom shenanigans. It’s darker and more involved than the typical love scenes I write. My LGBTQ friends got a kick out of my neurosis though, because I’d hit them up and be like, “okay, look...sex proposition for you...two girls, one medical office, and...oh, shit, wait...that came out wrong. QUESTION! Sex question. Why are you not answering? Are you on your way to a medical office right now? Or are you too busy laughing at me?”_


	4. Hidden Scars

**A/N:** _Hold tight, as we delve deeper you’re going to discover that both of these girls are 50 shades of fucked up (then again, aren’t we all...to an extent?). Just a reminder: this is AU. You will see as we go forward that I've taken liberties in certain areas. _

_This has been a tough one to navigate. This material is so difficult to waver with care. There’s a balance of trying to be realistic while also remaining respectful. But I know it’s triggering and touches a nerve for many, so I appreciate everyone who trusts in my writing enough to go on this journey with me even though it’s rooted heavily in dark content. I just wanted to say to anyone who struggles that you’re not alone. People care. I care._

* * *

**Chapter 4:**

**Hidden Scars**

Alison waited for Emily to come in for her next session. But she never did. It made her feel a sense of failure she’d never felt before. She had royally fucked things up, and she knew it.

As she’d watched Emily walk away from her she’d had a feeling she wouldn’t be seeing her again. But what was she supposed to do? Chase her down and tackle her and force her to stay? No. _That_ would be crazy.

Instead she’d resorted to research, a less visual form of stalking. She’d managed to sneak a peek at Emily’s medical records to see if she could find any information on where she might have gone. But the address and phone number were blank. Most of her personal information just had a question mark next to it.

However, she _did_ find out that Emily was sicker than she was letting on. She saw the bloodwork with Emily’s elevated kidney and liver enzymes. That just made her more determined to find her and help her.

Emily’s disappearance worried Alison. She knew the likelihood of her attempting suicide again was high. And the last thing she wanted to do was read something about a soldier OD’ing on the front page of some generic news site.

Alison felt like shit for sleeping with her when she should have been helping her. She didn’t know that by having a moment of passion with her, she _was_ helping her. She’d said it herself. Emily was _different._ Reaching her that day had required skills that education couldn’t teach. Emily was layered. Her pain was layered. And her beauty was unprecedented, and in a way, untapped.

She couldn’t get the woman out of her head. She dreamed about her. She saw her when she wasn’t there. She was obsessed. She’d promised Emily she’d see it through to the end with her.

She knew that some of her obsession was just her way of avoiding her own demons. Repression was the only coping mechanism that helped her deal with her personal problems. One of the first things she’d learned as a Psych major was that a lot of people went into the field to work on their own shit vicariously through others.

Ever since Emily had come into her life she felt like something inside of her had changed. All she wanted to do was see her and talk to her. All she wanted to do was make sure that she was okay. She wanted to hold her hand and curl up next to her on the couch.

She wanted to cook for her and watch the delight on her face when she bit into something delicious. She wanted to make dessert with her…that would turn into more than just baking with hot chocolate and whipped cream. She wanted to lick ice cream toppings off of her body.

She wanted Emily to have her way with her in every room in her house. She wanted so many impossible things. She was mapping out a future with someone she didn’t even know. Yet, she felt like life hadn’t existed before she met her. It was an impossibly selfish dream, but it was what her heart desired.

Alison searched for Emily for two weeks and found no trace. She was slowly coming to the realization that she would probably never see her again. It hit her harder than she expected. She went into a funk. Even when she was out on the town with her friends she wasn’t mentally present.

They dragged her out to dinner one night. She sat in the restaurant sulking, silently lamenting about what a failure she was. Her mother was right. She’d never amount to anything. She was screwing up her life.

She listened as her friends Aria and Spencer talked about all the wonderful things they had going on in their lives. Aria’s two-year-old daughter Ellie was learning her ABCs. They watched several videos of the toddler trying to say words that started with certain letters. They all laughed when she mispronounced “cook” as “cock”.

“Dad was mortified. But mom thought it was hilarious.” Aria rewound the video so they could see it again.

Alison couldn’t help but smile when she looked at the toddler’s little toothy grin. She’d been there when Ellie was born. She’d been through a lot with Aria. And Aria had been there for her. Aria had really gone above and beyond lately, because she knew that Alison was having a hard time letting Emily go.

Spencer was doing well, too. She’d just gotten engaged and was thriving as a law professor. She’d grown up in a family full of attorneys, so it was no surprise to Alison that she was completing the cycle by teaching law.

When she’d first met Spencer their freshman year in college one of the first things the lanky fireball had told her was that her plan was to run a major law school. She was on her way.

“You’re being insanely quiet tonight.” Spencer pushed Alison playfully. “What’s up with that?”

Alison was usually the life of the party. She loved pushing her friends to the limit. But lately all that had been on her brain was a brunette in army fatigues. Though, admittedly she had a lot of other stuff going on. There was never a shortage of drama in her life.

“I talked to Jason last night.” Alison glanced at the half-empty glass of vodka in front of her.

If her friends only knew the truth about her brother…

“How is he doing?” Spencer questioned.

“He says he’s keeping his head down. He’s surviving.” That’s what her brother did. He survived. He survived their shitty childhood. He survived his stint overseas. And he survived his PTSD. Or, at least he’d learned to live with it. “He got a new cellmate. Says he seems okay. Apparently he was also in the army. Was dishonorably discharged.”

“Has he heard anything more about his appeal?” Aria asked.

“It was denied.”

Aria’s nostrils flared angrily. She’d grown up with Alison and Jason, and she knew Jason very well. It pissed her off that he was behind bars, especially given that he was a veteran.

“Everyone knows the charges are bullshit. Any moron could see it was self-defense…”

Only it wasn’t. Alison knew the real story. Because she was there, too.

Spencer and Aria saw Alison’s shoulders scrunch up. Aria put a sympathetic hand against her back and gently rubbed it. Alison smiled appreciatively at her.

“I can put a call into my mom.” Spencer offered. “Maybe she can put the fear of God into the state court.”

“She’s already done everything she can. But I appreciate it.” Alison smiled weakly.

She ached for her brother sometimes. Mainly because what happened to him was her fault.

“So, you still burying yourself in work?” Spencer questioned.

“Yes.” Aria answered for her.

Alison glared at her. Aria just shrugged and took a sip of her cocktail.

“What? Am I lying?” Aria questioned.

“No, but you’re annoying me.”

“I feel like I’m missing something here.” Spencer noticed the strange tension between them.

Alison sighed. She hadn’t told Spencer about Emily _specifically_ because she knew what she would say. But she could tell Spencer wasn’t going to let it go.

“There was this call a few weeks ago…”

“Yeah, that’s kind of the whole point of what you do.”

“This one was different.” Alison could still feel the prickling sensation she’d felt the first time she’d heard Emily’s voice, and the absolutely stomach-churning nausea she’d felt when she’d seen her body. “She almost died…”

“Yeah, but you helped her. That’s what you do.”

“…in my arms.” Alison looked up at Spencer, finishing her thought.

“Oh.” Spencer’s tone was suddenly soft.

“Yeah.” Alison stirred her vodka before taking a sip. “I found her out under the railway pass. She was barely breathing. I called for the paramedics.”

“She’s being modest.” Aria jumped in. “She saved her life. No one knew where she was calling from, but Ali here got the ingenious idea to follow the sound of the train horn she heard on the phone. She found her.”

_I did find her._ Alison agreed in thought. She’d found her. And now she’d lost her again.

“That’s great, Ali. I’m really proud of you.” Spencer smiled.

“The paramedics did all the hard work.” Alison shrugged it off.

“They never would have been able to save her had you not found her first.” Aria pointed out.

“So, is she okay?” Spencer asked.

“I don’t know.” Alison sighed. She put her elbow on the table and leaned forward. “I wish I knew. I know it’s crazy, but I can’t get her out of my mind.”

“We’ve talked about this. You can’t bring your work home with you. You have to find a way to keep your work world separate…to protect your own mental health.” Spencer gently touched her arm.

“It’s complicated.” Alison frowned. Alison thought about how pale Emily had been when she found her, how close to death she was. “We had this moment out there. It’s hard to explain. She woke up for a few seconds, and there was this…” She shook her head. “I don’t know. But I stayed with her. I went to the hospital with her.”

“That’s not so complicated.” Spencer wasn’t surprised.

Alison looked up at her.

“I talked my way into her room after they got her stable. And then I talked to her doctor about my therapy program. Because I knew they’d want her to come see me. I wanted to keep tabs on her.”

“Oh my God. You _stalked_ her?” Spencer gawked.

“No!” Alison grumbled defensively. “I didn’t…” She got flustered. “It wasn’t like that. I made a promise to her that I wouldn’t leave her. And I don’t know, it just…felt right at the time. But then she came for her individual session and things…” She bit her lip. “Things took a turn. We…um…it was just this heat of the moment thing. We got carried away. I lost focus…”

Spencer’s jaw dropped. Aria glanced at her with wide eyes. Alison had told her about Emily coming to her sessions, but not about anything else. Alison hadn’t told _anyone_ what she’d done that day. Because deep down she knew it was wrong. She shouldn’t have let it happen when Emily was that vulnerable.

“You _slept_ with her?” Spencer exclaimed.

“Say it a little louder. I don’t think the people down the block heard you.” Alison bit back harshly. “It happened. I’m not proud of how it happened, but I don’t regret it. And I think it helped…in a roundabout way.”

“You slept with someone who tried to kill herself?” Spencer was having trouble wrapping her mind around it. She was trying to understand it from Alison’s perspective, but all that was coming to her mind was _“what the fuck is the matter with you?”_

“You couldn’t possibly understand. You didn’t see what I saw in her. The feelings…they just happened. She changed when we were alone. She was responding to me…to my touch…”

“I’ll bet.” Spencer uttered.

“Spencer.” Aria growled at her to shut up.

“It was different. _She_ was different. I felt it.” She’d seen it in Emily’s eyes.

“You should have kept those feelings to yourself.” Spencer scoffed. Alison glared at her. Spencer had always been a judgy little snot. “You could lose your whole program over this.”

“I wasn’t thinking, okay?” Alison snapped. “God. And now she’s out there. All alone. And it scares me. She has so much pain she’s holding inside. She saw so much action overseas. And you know what that does to someone. You saw how Jason was when he got back.”

“Yeah…” Aria said, her eyes glazing over, “I remember how much he panicked when your asshole neighbors set off fireworks in the middle of the night.”

“I could have killed those idiots.” Spencer nodded in agreement. “People don’t have any common decency anymore.”

“You’re implying that people _ever_ had common decency.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“How bad was it for her over there?” Aria asked.

“I’m pretty sure she was tortured. Her scars…a lot of them…they tell a story. And I read this article about how her entire squad was killed in a firefight. She was the only person who survived. She had some major injuries. She’s definitely sitting on an arsenal of survivor’s guilt and PTSD. And I feel like she was dealing with something heavy before she was deployed. It pushed her into this really dark depression. She didn’t tell me anything, but I can tell she’s using drugs and alcohol to cope…”

“She sounds really fucked up,” Spencer said.

“Shut the hell up.” Alison prickled up defensively. What the _fuck_ was her problem?

“You know I’m right.”

_You’re about to be wearing this fucking vodka…_

Alison felt like throwing her drink in Spencer’s face. She loved the bitch, but she hated her sometimes, too. Spencer had always been annoyingly blunt. Aria was a little more sensitive because she understood the heavy emotional toll that came with their job. Aria knew that she could have just as easily been invested in Emily’s situation.

Aria was aware that she could have been the one to take Emily’s call, and in fact it _had_ been her phone line. Alison just happened to be in that exact spot at the right time. Emily would have died had Alison not been the one to answer. Aria certainly wouldn’t have thought to go and look for her. It was that one instance, a happenstance of fate that had saved her.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” Spencer grimaced. “It just sounds like she has _a lot_ going on. And we know you like to try and fix things…”

“She’s not broken. She’s just…” Alison said, treading carefully, “…healing.”

“Do you _really_ think it’s a good idea to get involved with someone you’re _clearly_ attracted to? Someone with that much damage?” Spencer sighed. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m just worried about you. You’ve been through a lot, too. And I don’t want to see you get your heart broken.”

“I’m a big girl, Spencer. I can handle myself.”

Spencer finally relented. There was a beat of silence and then Spencer popped an olive in her mouth.

“The sex was _that_ good, huh?”

“Shut up.” Alison shoved her.

“I’m not hearing a _no_.”

Alison rolled her eyes. Of course she didn’t understand. Alison barely understood it herself.

“There is more to it than that.”

There was more to it because she couldn’t stop obsessing about whether or not Emily was okay. She couldn’t stop worrying that something horrible had happened to her. She had carved a little piece of her heart out for someone she didn’t even know. She cared more about seeing her healthy, alive, and well more than anything else.

She wanted Emily to know that she had someone who cared about her. She cared more about making sure she was in a safe place with a warm bed than she cared about anything sexual. But she’d lost hope that she’d ever see her again, unless it was in a body bag.

But two days later she got a second chance…a clean slate, and a way to prove her intentions. Because nearly forty-eight hours after she’d had dinner with her friends she found Emily by chance. Much like the night she’d called.

Ever since Emily had wandered out of the hospital Alison had been frequenting the local bars, hoping to run into her. She knew it was a long shot, but she couldn’t let Emily go.

When she walked past a grimy pub and glanced in the window and saw a woman with long dark hair with her back turned sitting at the bar she felt a flutter of nerves in her stomach. She didn’t get her hopes up at first. She knew that there were a lot of brunettes out there. But her physique was unmistakable. When the woman turned to the side Alison saw her. Relief flooded her body. She was still alive.

Emily was staring into a glass of bourbon, completely unaware of the blonde making an entrance into the bar. Emily was already on her third drink of the night. She didn’t care if she puked later. She had meds for nausea. She tipped her glass up and finished off the drink just as someone took a seat next to her.

When she turned and looked at her she dropped the glass on the bar.

_What the fuck is she doing in this dive bar?_

She’d found her. Alison fucking DiLaurentis had fucking found her. _Again_. She cursed herself for not leaving town. Then again, she had nowhere to go. And a little part of her wanted to stay…for Alison.

“So, you’re a hit it and quit it kind of girl?” Alison asked curiously.

“Oh. Hey.” Somehow she managed not to sound drunk. It was something she’d perfected over the years. She’d been drinking since she was thirteen. It helped numb her pain. “You following me?”

“You didn’t come back.”

“So you brought the therapy to me?”

“Something like that.”

“Why do you care?” _Please don’t get involved. Please. You’ll only get hurt._

“Because you didn’t come back.”

_Shit._

“Didn’t see the need to share my feelings. I left my soul back overseas. I don’t feel much these days.” She stared into the empty glass of alcohol.

She waved the bartender over and held her glass out to let him know she wanted a refill.

“You shouldn’t be drinking, Emily.”

“What are you, my sponsor now?” Emily didn’t like being told what to do, even though she knew Alison was right. She couldn’t let go of that control. “You do know that your responsibility to me was over the second I passed out on that phone. You didn’t have to pull a bunch of _Supergirl_ shit.”

“You’re not glad you’re still here giving me hell?”

“That’s one plus, I guess.” Emily nodded with a smile.

_Finally._ Alison thought to herself. _That smile…_

“You have a beautiful smile.”

“What?” Emily asked, her voice cracking.

“Just an observation.” Alison shrugged.

“What exactly is it that you’re doing here? You wanna go in the bathroom and recreate the magic of our first time or…”

“No.” Alison shook her head. _Yes. God, yes._ “Listen, that day in the office…”

“Was a mistake. Yeah, I’ve heard it all before.”

_What moron in their right mind would EVER consider this girl a mistake?_ Alison was shocked to hear that.

“No. I don’t regret it. I don’t regret _you_.”

Emily peered at her curiously. She couldn’t figure the blonde out. No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t shake the desire in her chest.

“I just think there is more to life than physical intimacy,” Alison explained.

“_Physical intimacy_?” Emily teased. _What a ‘girl’ thing to say. That’s adorable._

“Fucking. There is more to life than fucking.” Alison cut to the chase.

Emily snorted out a laugh. _Not as innocent as she looks. I should have known…_

“Maybe there’s more to _your_ life.” Emily disagreed. “Look, if you came here because you feel guilty or whatever, don’t. I had a good time. I’m not sweating it. You shouldn’t either. It was just sex. Nothing personal.”

But Alison knew that wasn’t the truth. Something about the way Emily had looked at her that day in the office told her a different story. Emily had felt something, and it had scared the hell out of her. Emily had connected to her in a real way, and Alison got the feeling she hadn’t done that in a long time.

“That’s not why I’m here.” Alison glanced at the drink in front of Emily.

“Then why are you here? You sure as shit don’t strike me as the type of girl to come to this kind of a dump on your own.”

“I want to do this right.”

“Meaning what?”

“I think you’re smart enough to know what it means.”

_She wants to know you. She’ll hate you when she finds out the truth. You don’t deserve her._ Emily could feel a rising panic in her mind. The part of her that hated herself was constricting her, making her feel like she couldn’t breathe.

“This isn’t some feel-good TV special. I’m not going to sit here in a bar and tell you my life story.” Emily glared coldly at her.

“I don’t expect you to. Let’s just start simple. What’s your favorite color?”

Emily laughed at the absurdity of it.

“You don’t give up, do you?”

“I’m told it’s one of my less attractive qualities.”

Emily scoffed again. Like anything about Alison was unattractive?

“I don’t think you’d be surprised to find out that it’s black.” Emily replied.

“Mmm…” Alison nodded. “Like the color of your soul?”

_Fuck, why does she have to be beautiful AND funny?_ Emily smiled.

“What’s your favorite color, blondie? I seem to recall you having an affinity for the color pink.” She glanced at Alison’s chest.

“Eyes up here, Sergeant.” Alison smirked. When Emily looked at her she had a soft smile on her face. “I do like pink. It’s not my favorite though. I prefer red. It’s powerful and bold, but it tells a story of passion. Plus, it looks killer on me.”

“I’ll bet.”

“So, what do you like to do for fun?” Alison asked.

“Closed door therapy sessions.”

“You think you’re funny, don’t you?”

“I think I’m hilarious. I get my cheeky sense of humor from my dead brother. He thought it was a fucking riot to leave me down here stumbling around like a drunk squirrel.” She raised her empty glass towards the ceiling in a toast. “Real fucking funny, dickhead.”

“I…uh…I’m sorry to hear that.” Suddenly the way that soldier in the photo she’d seen hovering protectively over Emily made sense.

“No. _I’m_ sorry. I didn’t mean to kill the vibe.” Emily put her glass down. “My humor is…it’s an acquired taste.”

“Do you have any other brothers or sisters?”

“No.” She flinched. She couldn’t get the ghostly pale look on Ethan’s face out of her head. She closed her eyes and then pressed her thumb and index finger against the bridge of her nose to keep from crying. “I did have a sister when I was younger, but she died before my brother and I joined the army.” Emily lowered her hands.

“I’m sorry,” Alison said quietly. “What happened?”

“Something I don’t feel like revisiting, Doctor Feelgood.” Emily shrugged uncomfortably. She looked at Alison and tried to change the subject. “You got any other family besides your brother?”

The mention of Jason made Alison feel tense. She didn’t talk about her family. The only reason she’d opened up to Emily about it was to try and get her to see that it was okay to share her feelings. Alison squirmed. She suddenly realized what Emily felt like being in the hot-seat.

“Just him.” Alison answered.

“Is he a good brother?”

“He annoys the shit out of me, but I know I can always count on him.”

“Yeah.” Emily laughed. “Ethan was the same way. Asshole would sit on my head in the middle of an argument, but he’d destroy anyone who even looked at me wrong.”

“Brothers are funny, aren’t they?”

“They are.” Emily felt a pang in her chest. “I hope you know how lucky you are to still have him.”

“Yeah.” Alison replied softly.

She didn’t elaborate on him being in jail. The whole point of helping Emily was not to put her problems on top of what she was already dealing with.

Everything was going smoothly until the bartender walked back over to Emily and put a full glass of bourbon down in front of her. It killed Alison to watch Emily hurt herself. Before Emily could pick it up Alison slid it away.

“Please don’t.”

“You’re not my fucking mom.” Emily frowned.

“Emily, I know about your kidney and your liver.”

“Doesn’t change anything. I don’t need someone in my life to play the role of some guardian angel…” Though Alison certainly looked the part. “Sorry, Holy roller, you’re out of luck. I’m a fucking washout. I’ll be dead within a year. Might as well help it along.” Emily reached for the alcohol again. She saw the look of disappointment on Alison’s face and it made her hesitate. And she hated Alison for making her hesitate. She sighed. “Look, if you’re smart you’ll stay the hell away from me. I poison everyone I meet. I don’t want to do that to you.”

“You are so much more than what you see in yourself…”

“No amount of hippie talk can beat the facts. I’ve got no money, no home. No skills. I can barely function. Army doesn’t want me back. I’m damaged goods. No one will hire me. I’m useless.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not? It’s true. And you’re all about the truth, right? Looking at your ‘inner self’ and that shit?”

“Sometimes we’re so blinded by the hardships in our own reality that we can’t see what others see.”

“And what is it that you see when you look at me?”

“Your scars.” Alison replied.

Emily was intrigued by her response. She didn’t react when Alison reached out towards her arm, towards the scars that stood out against her skin. Alison’s fingertips hovered over Emily’s scars. She looked up at her, silently asking permission. Emily nodded to let her know it was okay. Alison moved her fingers over the blemishes. She could practically feel the pain that they embodied.

“I see what hurt you. But I also see the resilience and the fight you have. You push back.”

_Not always._ Emily knew she was giving up. But she was too tired to keep fighting.

“You think you’re done,” Alison said, her eyes locking on Emily’s. “But you’re not. Because your scars might have shaped you, but they don’t define you.”

“How can you know that?” Emily felt a softness around Alison, and she didn’t understand why. Because how could someone she didn’t even know see her on a level that no one else could?

“Because you’re not the only one with scars, Emily.” Alison gently pulled her hands away.

Emily wanted to tell her not to stop. She wanted to feel her touch. She yearned to be connected to her. She knew it was a bad idea, but she didn’t care.

“Who hurt you?” Emily asked, almost in a rage. Because she would fucking destroy whoever had left Alison with scars.

“It doesn’t matter. They’re gone now. And I’m better for it. I’ve come to terms with who I am. And I am confident in my life. I _like_ being me. That wasn’t always the case.”

Two thoughts came to Emily’s mind. The first one was that she was going to kill the person or persons who had hurt her. But then her self-doubt came swinging in hard with the second thought,

_You can’t protect her. You can’t protect anyone. You couldn’t protect your dad. You couldn’t protect Ethan. You couldn’t protect Ellie…_

Alison could see her struggling.

“When did it start?” Alison questioned, interrupting her train of thought. “The suicidal thoughts?” She clarified. “Was it when you got back?”

Emily got really quiet. Alison saw her shutting down, so she moved her hand closer to where Emily’s palm was resting flat on the bar. Emily saw the motion. She inched her hand closer to Alison’s. That was all the consent Alison needed to gently place her hand on top of Emily’s.

“Holding on to it only hurts yourself. I know someone hurt you. But if you continue to bottle up that hatred it’s only hurting _you_. It’s like drinking poison and then waiting for those who hurt you to die.”

Emily had heard that before.

_Hate is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die._

“Buddha, huh? Bringing out the big guns on me.” Emily smiled.

“Actually, it’s a myth that’s been fabricated that it was in Buddhist teachings. A lot of people think it derived from Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s where I first heard it. I was in training.”

“That your subtle way of telling me that I should go to a meeting?” Emily asked.

“It’s not my subtle way of telling you anything. I’m just saying that I don’t want you to keep hurting yourself. And I’ll do whatever it takes to help you.”

Emily stared at her. She wanted so badly to open up to her. She wanted to trust her. But her mind was torn into so many scattered pieces that she didn’t know where to begin. Her broken reflection was in shards that could never be glued back together. But when she looked at Alison, the broken pieces didn’t seem so irreparable.

“I wasn’t always like this,” Emily said softly. It was so quiet that Alison could barely hear her over the ambient bar noise. “I was happy once. But…things change. Life…it’s fucked sometimes, you know?”

Alison nodded, encouraging Emily to continue. She wanted Emily to keep talking. Emily took a hesitant breath and then she glanced down. It was hard for her to think about her past. But sometimes she couldn’t get away from it.

“My dad died when I was six.” She started grinding her teeth together as she fought back tears. “I saw it happen. We were out celebrating my brother’s karate belt test. And this guy…this disgruntled ex-employee came in and started shooting people. People who were just out with their families like mine. He just…popped off. He didn’t care who he hurt. My dad and I got separated from my mom and my brother.”

Alison saw a tremendous amount of pain in Emily’s eyes as she revisited the gory scene. Her experiences with death had started long before she went overseas.

“We were trapped. Dad had me hide behind a booth when he saw the guy coming. I was little enough to fit, but he wasn’t. He told me to be quiet and not to move no matter what. When the guy cornered him I heard him trying to talk the gunman down, and for a few seconds the shooting stopped. But then a door slammed somewhere and…”

Emily shivered. Most of her memories were a foggy haze, but she remembered that day with perfect clarity. Alison could see the agony on her face. And she wanted nothing more than to take that pain away. She wanted to cup her cheeks and wipe away her tears. She wanted to lie her forehead against Emily’s and give her a comforting kiss to make her forget. But she knew it wasn’t her place. Not yet.

“I saw him fall next to the booth. And I wanted more than anything to help him, but then he looked at me…” She remembered the blood pooling around his mouth. “And he shook his head. And then the shooting started again. The asshole pumped him full of seven slugs and then moved on. I stayed in that booth for four hours. Even when the cops came I didn’t want to come out. I was afraid I was the only one left.”

Which was ironic, because now she _was_ the only one left. Her family was gone. Everyone she ever cared about was dead and in the ground.

“I had never felt more relief than I did when I saw my mom and my brother outside. But I was really fucked up.” She admitted. She slowly raised her head. “Still am.”

“I’m so sorry. That must have been…” _Fuck. That’s really fucked._ “I’m sorry.” She didn’t know what else to say.

“My family never really recovered. My mom remarried, but the guy was a corrupt cop. He was such an asshole. He was always drunk.” Her hands started shaking as she let the painful memories in. “Didn’t stop her from trying to start a family and move on with him though. She was trying to find a way to replace what we all lost when my father died. But we lost her in the process. She died shortly after my little sister was born. It was like some big fucking cosmic joke. We were stuck with the psychopath she married.”

“Is he the reason you joined the army?”

There was so much more to it than that. There was a lot that she couldn’t talk about…a lot that she didn’t _want_ to talk about.

“There was no fucking way I was staying with him one second longer than I had to.” Emily took a shaky breath. “He…that guy…he was a fucking monster.” Something in Emily’s expression changed. She pulled her hand out from underneath Alison’s. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“We don’t have to.”

Emily looked around, her mind trying to find an escape.

“You ever played pool?” Emily stood up and nodded towards an empty pool table.

“I played with my brother a few times, but I don’t really remember it.”

“Come on. I’ll teach you.” She started walking towards the table.

Alison got up and followed her. Emily set the balls up and grabbed two pool cues. She handed one to Alison and then moved her to the head of the table and stood behind her.

“I’ll let you break.” Emily smiled.

Alison fumbled with the stick for a few minutes.

“I um…I don’t remember how.”

“It’s all about the stance.” Emily moved closer to Alison.

Alison felt the brunette’s body pressing against her back. Emily moved her palms up against Alison’s arms. Alison closed her eyes and tried not to let her hormones take control.

Emily moved her arms around Alison’s body and slid her fingers down against Alison’s wrist, showing her how to move the pool cue. She slowly bent forward, forcing Alison to do the same. Alison pushed her ass into Emily’s groin area and smiled. She liked having Emily this close to her again.

“Use your non-dominant hand to guide it and then just draw back and take a shot at it.”

Alison could barely concentrate because Emily’s cheek was pressed against hers. She tried to focus on the game. She took a calming breath and then did exactly what Emily said. The hit didn’t separate the balls very much. Alison frowned.

“I could have done better.”

“Hey, I’m not going to bust your balls, greenhorn.” Emily smiled.

“_Greenhorn_?” Alison feigned being insulted. “I’ll show _you_ greenhorn.”

She grabbed the chalk and rubbed it aggressively against the tip of the pool cue. She lined up another shot. She failed miserably at that one, too. Emily was all out laughing at her.

They went back and forth for a few rounds. Alison’s game slightly improved as they played. They played for nearly an hour when Emily realized something. Her drink was still sitting on the bar untouched. And she didn’t have the slightest inclination to touch it.

The tension was starting to ease up between them. They were having a good time until a few rowdy drunks decided to crash their party. At first they just told them they wanted to play a few friendly games with them.

Emily started to get uncomfortable, so she took a seat near the bar again. She watched them very carefully. She didn’t trust them, especially not around Alison.

It didn’t take Alison long to follow suit and move away from them. Emily curled her hands into fists when she heard some of the lewd things the men were saying. Her rage was boiling inside. She was just _waiting_ for one of them so say something…

“Hey, pretty mama.” One of the larger men loomed over Alison with a devious expression on his face.

“Not interested.”

“Oh, come on. We were having fun…” The guy didn’t take the hint. In fact, he took it a step further by groping her ass.

“Hey!” Alison shoved him away from her aggressively. She reached up and slapped him so hard that he stumbled back on his feet.

The rest of the guys stopped playing and moved towards them.

“What the hell is wrong with you, bitch? You’ve practically been shoving your ass at me all night long…”

“She _said_ she’s not interested.” Emily stood up.

When she stood up to face him she took note of the difference in their height. She was about a foot shorter and a whole hell of a lot leaner, but she had stamina and a lot more muscle mass.

“What’s it to you, _dyke_?”

An angry smile crept across Emily’s face, like a daredevil who had just been given the mother of all dares.

She moved quick, throwing the first punch. The second her fist made contact she lost control. Alison barely had time to react before the two of them were throwing jabs and swinging hard at one another.

Emily was fast on her feet, and she managed to get the upper-hand, but then his buddies got involved and made it less of a fair fight. They were too drunk to give a shit that she was a woman. And she was too drunk to care they were tag-teaming her.

“Stop! Stop it!” Alison screamed, trying to push herself in the middle of the brawl.

One of the men shoved her away from the fight. She looked at the bartender, who was waving over a large burly man from the side of the bar.

Alison frantically looked for something to break up the fight. She saw a pool cue sitting on the felt table a few feet away. She grabbed it and swung it as hard as she could. The pool stick shattered when it made contact with the two men hitting Emily. One of them hit the ground, but the other spun around and aggressively lurched towards her. Emily got in between them first and threw another punch.

“You stay the fuck away from her or I’ll slit your throat where you stand.” Emily threatened menacingly.

The guy grabbed Emily and slammed her into the ground.

“Get away from her!” Alison scrambled over towards them. “Stop! STOP! She’s a veteran!”

That did nothing to deter them. The man kicked her roughly in the ribs. Emily grabbed a glass bottle that had been shattered in the chaos. She jabbed it into his thigh and he screamed and fell backwards.

The brunette got to her feet, her balance uneasy. She charged at the other two men with the bottle. Alison saw a terrifying look in her eyes. She was on autopilot. Kill or be killed.

“Emily, don’t!”

Before she reached the other two men she was sideswiped by two bouncers. They scuffled for a few seconds. Emily was wily. She managed to get away. The bigger bouncer charged her angrily. She threw the fleshy side of her palm into his nose, sending him toppling backwards. Blood was pouring out of his nostrils.

“I’m gonna fucking kill you, you cunt. And then I’m gonna fuck up your little girlfriend, too.” He growled. He lunged for her again.

Emily slipped her palm against her hip and lifted her shirt. She pulled a gun out of a holster near her back.

“Fucking try it. I told you, leave her alone.” Emily steadied the weapon.

“Jesus.” The bouncer threw his hands up.

The second bouncer grabbed her from behind and de-armed her. He held her down while the other guy socked her in the stomach for good measure.

“Quit! You’re hurting her!” Alison raced after them as they dragged her out of the bar. “Did you not hear me? She’s a _veteran_!”

“I don’t give a chicken fried fuck if she’s the goddamned pope. No one brings a piece into our bar and starts trouble and gets away with it.”

The bouncers opened the door and hurled Emily out on to the sidewalk. She landed against the hard pavement on her hands and knees.

“Give me back my gun, you assholes.” Emily managed to cough out.

“Finders Keepers around these parts.”

“I’ll be back for it…”

“Try it and see what happens.” The bouncer slammed the door.

Alison rushed to her side. Emily couldn’t move at first, so she stayed on her hands and knees. She sat up, placing one hand against her stomach and kept her other against the cement for support so she didn’t collapse completely. She groaned and spit out a chunk of blood, quietly thinking to herself that it looked suspiciously like a piece of her tongue.

Both of her nostrils were oozing blood. Her lips and chin were swollen with cuts and bruises. Her left eye was already starting to swell shut, a large round bruise forming around it.

Alison reached out to touch her cheek. Emily was only partially aware of her presence. Her adrenaline was still pumping.

“Are you okay?” Alison brushed a mess of tangled bloody hair away from her cheek.

Emily sucked in a harsh breath through her nose, tasting the blood in the back of her throat as she inhaled.

“Fucking peachy.”

“You had a _gun_ on you this whole time?”

“I told you I fuck things up…”

“No. This isn’t your fault. They started it. You just reacted.” Alison cringed when she saw the blood dripping on to the ground. “You really didn’t need to defend my honor.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied dryly.

“You could have gotten killed. They were drunk and raging out…”

“So am I.” Emily retorted, glancing at her bruised and battered knuckles.

Alison lifted Emily’s chin, trying to get a good look at her injuries. In the pale streetlight she could see a slight jaundicing of her skin. The whites of her eyes looked yellow, something that she hadn’t been able to see in the bar.

“Have you been taking your meds?” Alison asked.

Emily sat back, staring at her.

“Yes. I read your file.” Alison didn’t deny it. “I’m worried about you.”

“Do you make it your personal business to follow around everyone who calls your hotline? Or is there just something about me?”

“Well, we did fuck that one time.” Alison sarcastically quipped back.

Emily huffed out a surprised laugh at her attitude. Then she clenched her eyes closed and groaned in pain. She felt nauseated. Her stomach lurched and she felt her throat constricting, trying to fight back the vomit. She leaned over, stretching her fingers out against the asphalt to hold her body steady and then she puked. Her vision went cloudy for a second, but then she focused in on the vomit. It was yellow and had chunks of blood in it.

_Great. Internal bleeding. Why not?_

“We should get you to a hospital.”

Emily looked up at her in surprise. She’d vomited all over this girl _twice_ now. Why was she still around?

“I’m already dying, Alison. It doesn’t matter.”

“You’re not dying. You’re just giving up.” Alison snapped.

“Who the fuck are you to tell me how to live my life?”

“Someone who gives a fuck that you’re _not_ actually living it. Now get up.” Alison yanked her to her feet with a surprising amount of force.

Emily felt Alison’s hands, soft yet commanding, against her arms. She stared at her, and she saw that the blonde was visibly shaken, though she was trying to hide it. Emily mentally kicked herself.

_You almost got her killed. You dragged her into this. This is your fault. You have to stay away. You’ll hurt her._

“I’m done with hospitals. Just leave me alone.” _You’re better off without me._

Emily tried to move away from her, but winced in pain and faltered. Alison held her weight so she wouldn’t fall. Emily looked at her, trying to understand what Alison saw...trying to understand why she wouldn’t give up.

“What if I just take you to my friend to patch you up instead?”

Emily glared at her. Why was she being so persistent?

“You got a real problem with caring too much.”

She had never met anyone who was just as stubborn, if not more-so, than she was. This girl was a complete pain in the ass, but when she looked at her she could only see the good. And that annoyed her.

“I only care about things that are important to me.” Alison carefully brushed Emily’s hair behind her ear, leaving her fingers lingering against Emily’s cheek.

_Goddamn her. _Emily let out a shuddering breath.

Alison’s touch did things to her that she couldn’t fight. She was like a mold of clay being shaped by the love in Alison’s heart. She was completely helpless. She had faced off with killers and psychopaths, but she was no match for the blonde. And she knew it.

She hadn’t had anything to live for in a long time, but she could tell that Alison was determined to be that one speck of light in the dark. Emily had a feeling she’d met her match…in more ways than one.

* * *

**A/N: ** _Hospital sex and bar brawls. What’s next? They’ve got some serious shit to work through, and their pasts...oof. Maybe Spencer is right. Maybe she’s not. Either way, their pasts are bound to catch up with them in the worst way._


	5. AliTruism

* * *

**Chapter 5:**

**AliTruism**

Emily finally relented, letting Alison take her to see one of her contacts from the hospital, Cece Drake. Alison had known Cece since they were in diapers. She’d been like a sister to her.

They’d gone through a few pre-med classes together before Alison chose Psychology as her path. Cece had picked General Medicine. She was just finishing up med school and was starting her residency. And she was always joking with Alison that she needed as much practice as she could get. But when Alison showed up at Cece’s house hauling a bleeding Emily with her Cece’s initial reaction had been,

“When I told you I need to build my portfolio I didn’t mean to go out and find strays that need help. I meant like…give me your old fruit so I can practice my stitching on it.” She helped Alison get her through the door. “Jesus, what happened to her?”

“Just help me.” Alison ordered.

They got her to the couch, where Emily promptly passed out from the pain. They tended to some of her injuries. Emily was in and out of consciousness for a while, but she finally woke up long enough to let Cece do a thorough exam on her. She sat up on the counter and slipped her shirt off for Cece to get a better look at her injuries.

Cece tried not to focus on her scars. Her eyes kept drifting to her tattoos. Emily was too drowsy to come up with anything cheeky to say. When Cece finished she handed Emily back her shirt.

Emily pulled her shirt on over her bruised chest and stomach. She grimaced and hissed. She slid off of the counter and asked Cece if she could use the bathroom. Cece pointed her in the direction of the restroom and then walked into the living room, where a very worried Alison was trying to keep her mind occupied by cleaning up their mess.

“Is she going to be okay?” Alison asked.

“She really needs to be X-Rayed. She’s bruised to hell. I can see the external damage, but who knows what’s happening with her internal organs?”

“She’s refusing to go to the hospital.”

Cece grumbled and guffawed at that. Then she sighed.

“At the very least she needs to be monitored. She has a concussion and she’s probably got some minor internal bleeding. I mean, I can get her something for the pain, but…”

“No.” Alison cut her off. She didn’t want to risk Emily overdosing again. “No. She’s…she can’t take anything. She’s…allergic.”

Cece eyed her. She obviously didn’t believe her. But she didn’t push her.

“Go with RICE then. You remember what…”

“Rest. Ice. Compression. Elevation. I’m not a complete novice. I remember the basics. Give me _some_ credit.” Alison scowled at her.

“Okay, sellout.” Cece rolled her eyes.

“Just because I chose Psychology does not mean I’m a sellout.”

“Someone couldn’t cut Anatomy.” Cece teased.

“Bite me, Cece.”

“Ohh, kinky.” Cece winked at her. “But I don’t think tall, dark, and brooding in there would appreciate it.”

“We’re not…” Alison had a hard time meeting her friend’s gaze, “It’s not like that.”

But Cece could see it written all over Alison’s face.

“You slept with her, didn’t you?” Cece called her out. One difference in her friendship with Cece compared to Aria and Spencer was that Cece knew things about Alison before she announced them. She just looked at her and she knew.

“That’s none of your business.”

“That’s a yes.” Cece snorted. “Bad move, Ali.”

“I already know it was a shitty thing to do. You can spare me the lecture. I already got the holier-than-thou act from Spencer.”

“Fine.” Cece shrugged. “Grab that trash can over there for me.”

She didn’t say another word about it, which was surprising to Alison. She expected a Spencer-level freak out. Cece was constantly surprising her.

Emily walked into the room and saw Alison and Cece tidying up.

“I can help you clean up…” She looked at Alison.

“No. You two should get going. You need to get some rest.” Cece shook her head. “I’ll take care of the clean-up.”

Alison mouthed another silent ‘thank you’ to Cece before they left.

“How are you feeling?” Alison asked as they walked down the driveway to where her car was parked. She felt a little better because Emily was walking on her own again.

“I survived a war. I can survive a little beatdown.”

But she hadn’t. She hadn’t really come back from the war. She never would. Because a huge piece of her was still over there. A huge piece of her had never come home.

Alison knew it, and she called her on it.

“It’s not surviving the war that’s the hard part.”

“Profound.” Emily yawned.

“Is there somewhere I can take you?” Alison asked.

“Look, I already told you, don’t waste your time on me. I’ll just end up disappointing you in the end. I appreciate everything and all, but I’ve got it from here.”

“There is no way I’m letting you walk off into the darkness alone.”

“Why do you care so much?” Emily uttered in frustration. When people cared about her they just ended up hurt. She couldn’t let it happen again.

“I don’t know!” Alison grumbled back. “I don’t know, okay? I just do. So just tell me where you fucking live.”

Emily looked at the ground. She reached up and rubbed the back of her neck. It was stiff from the fight.

“I uh…I don’t really have a place. I’ve been bouncing around, staying here and there. Motels…and sometimes in shelters. When I got back I didn’t see the point in a home anymore.”

Alison’s heart broke for her. She didn’t want her in some musty old motel room. She wanted her warm. And safe.

“Why don’t you come stay with me?” Alison questioned.

It was strange how quickly it had come to her mind. It’s not something she’d been planning, nor something she would normally do…offer a stranger a place to stay, especially not after seeing that stranger pull a gun in a bar fight. But she couldn’t let her walk away again. Because if she let her go she knew that the next time she’d see her would be her funeral.

She knew it was crazy. But she’d gotten this far with her. She knew that this girl was lost. And there was something special about her. Alison couldn’t let her become another statistic. She knew she had to take the risk.

“You really shouldn’t bring strangers home. I could be a serial killer for all you know.”

“You’re not though.” Alison shrugged it off. “I can tell. I’m good at reading people.” She unlocked the car doors with her key fob. “Besides, for all _you_ know _I_ could be the serial killer.”

“Well, you do know how to break a pool cue over a drunk’s head. I’ll give you that.” Emily reached for the door handle.

“I’m not as helpless as I look.” Alison assured her. She had secrets they hadn’t even started to touch on. “I do need to know though…”

Emily knew exactly what she was going to ask. She could see it written all over the blonde’s face.

“You want to know how many other guns I have.”

“I don’t want to take them away from you, but I also think I have a right to know…”

“All I’ve got left is my brother’s service weapon. I pawned the rest of what I had when I got back for money for booze…and a couple of strip joints…”

“Don’t need the details.” _Were they prettier than me? Did you sleep with them, too? _

Emily saw the look on her face and she grinned.

“You’re still special to me, sweetheart. Never made any other girl scream the way you screamed in that office…”

Alison hated herself for smiling in response.

Emily thought she saw her cheeks redden in the darkness. She felt herself soften when she saw the sweet look on Alison’s face. And she did something she _never_ did. She caved to her feelings.

“I’ll leave the gun locked up in the motel room. I’ve got the room paid off for the next two weeks. I’ll just grab what I need for tonight. No sense in bringing everything.”

Alison nodded.

_Baby steps._ She thought if she could just get Emily to see that someone cared about her then she could get her on the road to recovery.

They both climbed into the car. Emily leaned the seat back.

“No sleeping.” Alison put the key in her ignition. “Cece thinks you have a concussion. Don’t want you having a brain bleed while we’re taking the scenic route and listening to Enya.”

“Oh, god. You’re fucking kidding me. _Enya_?” Emily scoffed.

“Out of all that, Enya is what you latched on to?”

“I feel like I’m a prisoner of war here. And that’s saying a lot.”

Alison laughed.

“I’m just screwing with you. Just wanted to make sure you were awake and alert and still…you.”

“Your tests suck.”

“But they’re effective.” Alison started the car.

Emily told Alison where her motel was so she could run by and grab a few things. After Alison saw the seedy place she was more determined than ever to get Emily somewhere safe. She was pretty sure she saw a drug deal go down and two prostitutes go into a room adjacent to Emily’s.

The drive back to Alison’s place didn’t take long. When she pulled in the driveway she turned the car off and faced Emily.

“How are you with dogs?”

“You have one?”

“A German Shepherd. His name is Lupo.”

“Well, damn. You should have led with that. I might have followed you home from the hospital if I knew that.”

“This is how I know you’re not a serial killer. You love dogs.”

“Hate to burst your bubble, but Hitler loved his dog…” The poor dog was terribly and ironically named _Blondi_ in the midst of a Holocaust where Jewish people were persecuted and killed because they didn’t fit the visual image of a dictator’s dream of a perfect race.

“They left that tidbit out in world history. It’s too bad one of his dogs didn’t go for his jugular.”

“I’d like a time machine so _I_ could go back and go for his jugular.” Emily opened the car door. “You know that fucker actually killed his dog with cyanide when they were in that underground bunker rather than let someone else take her alive?” She opened the back door and leaned in the back seat to grab her things. “Some people are real sick fucks.”

She stared at her bag for a few seconds, her mind drifting towards the fact that the world was full of deranged people. She saw flashes of the people in her life that had hurt her. Her hands started to shake.

“Emily?” She heard Alison’s voice behind her.

“Yeah. I’m coming.” Emily grabbed her belongings and slammed the door. She turned away from her so Alison couldn’t see her face.

When she saw Alison’s house she almost dropped everything she was carrying. She expected that little miss goody two-shoes was well off, but her house proved it. It was a large Victorian style with enough room to fit her entire squad.

She could hear barking from inside that got increasingly louder. Lupo had rushed out the doggy door when he heard Alison’s car approaching and was running the line by the back fence, excitedly wagging his tail.

“Holy hell.” Emily uttered under her breath.

“I inherited the place a few years ago.” Right after Jason had gone to prison.

She walked towards the front door, but when she turned around she saw that Emily was still standing motionless in the driveway and gawking at the house. Alison couldn’t tell if she was intimidated or impressed. Either way, it gave the blonde a different perspective in life. She’d never known anything but the high life. She’d never known poverty. She’d never had to struggle the way Emily had struggled.

The more Alison learned about Emily the more she realized that even though she hadn’t had it easy in her life either…there were some things she had taken for granted. Emily hadn’t had a steady home or a safe place to land since she was a little girl. If Alison could offer that, she wanted to.

She knew her friends wouldn’t understand. In fact, Spencer was liable to blow her top. Spencer had mentioned she didn’t want Alison to suffer any undue hardships, but Alison knew that she didn’t have a choice. She knew that Emily needed her, regardless of whether or not the brunette would admit it. Alison knew she couldn’t let her end up under that bridge again.

The night started out fine. Emily met Lupo and they hit it off. She sat on Alison’s living room floor for an hour rolling a tennis ball across the floor. He’d bring it back every time and then drop it at her feet. It almost made her forget about her bruises and her pain.

For the first time in a long time, Emily felt a sense of joy. She’d always been an animal lover. Three of the squads in her unit had explosives detection K9s. She’d loved them.

Lupo sat in front of Emily patiently waiting for her to roll the ball across the floor. He was easily entertained.

“He likes you.” Alison smiled. She was sitting on the couch watching them play.

“Humans could really learn a lot from dogs. I think they understand life better than most people. And despite everything, they love unconditionally.” Emily reached out and scratched Lupo’s head. He let out a content groan.

“Have you had dogs before?” Alison asked.

“Kind of.” Emily rolled the ball across the living room. Lupo pounced on it. “We had a few K9 soldiers overseas with us, but we also had strays we’d run into from time to time. We’d been warned not to feed them because our commanders assumed they were trained to kill people.”

“Did people do that?” Alison asked in shock. “Use innocent dogs to kill people?”

“We do it, too.” Emily looked at Lupo, who was gnawing on his toy ball. He pawed at it and it bounced away. He growled playfully and went after it. “We trained our own dogs…took them over there with us…”

“To protect you. To be a part of your team. Not to take some poor unsuspecting stray and turn it into some martyr for a cause.”

“It’s not just dogs. They use women and children, too.”

“God, what is wrong with people?”

“We’re a fucked up species.” Emily shrugged. “I guess you’re right about the dogs, though. Ours are explosive detection dogs. Our dogs don’t know what they’re doing is work. They do something right…they save lives, they get to play. All they want to do is play with their toys. That’s how their handlers train them. It’s all positive reinforcement. I imagine the strays the other side uses aren’t that lucky.”

“Did you ever have any strays turn on you?”

“No. We’d heard stories about it happening, but it never happened to anyone I knew. Some of my squad thought it was all bullshit made up to keep us from dragging another mouth to feed into the barracks. Didn’t stop us from making friends with the mutts we crossed paths with.” She smiled. “There was one little hound that kept following us around. She wouldn’t come up to any of the guys, but she came right over to me. Practically jumped into my arms. We named her Pippi…like Longstockings because her coat was red. She was malnourished and timid, but she was really sweet. She was with us for a few weeks. But then we had to move out. But from what I heard someone in another unit took her home after his deployment was over. I miss that little attention whore.”

“How many K9s did you have in your unit?”

“Three. Max, Diesel, and Scout. But Scout, she…she was killed in action in the raid that killed my squad.”

The last words the dog had heard were praise from her dying handler. Emily had been too far away to do anything for them. But she’d been close enough to see Scout’s handler mouth the words,

_“Good girl.”_

Her handler had died shortly after. Emily could hear Scout whining. She could see the blood covering her fur.

_“Scout!”_ Her voice was harsh and quiet, but it drew the dog’s attention. _“Come here. Come here, girl.”_

But Scout refused to leave her partner. Emily had tried to get to her, but an explosive went off that sent her careening backwards through the air. Her brother had come out of nowhere and helped her up.

_“Come on! Move! We’ve got to go, Em…”_

That had been the beginning of the end.

Alison could see the tension in her eyes. Every time Emily opened up even the slightest bit, it felt like she got further and further away from reality. It was like her mind was a black hole that sucked a portion of her away every time it was open.

Emily tried to shake it off.

“It’s been a long night.” She stood up, gripping her bruised ribs. “Can I use your shower?”

“Of course.” Alison stood next to her. “Just give me a minute to set everything up for you.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t mind.” Alison waved it off. Of course, she couldn’t tell her the real reason she wanted to make a trip into the bathroom first. All that was going through Alison’s mind was _“hide the razor blades and empty the medicine cabinet”_.

She did a quick sweep of the bathroom to make sure there wasn’t anything that Emily could use to hurt herself. Then she drew her a bath with essential oils to help her bruising.

Emily didn’t want to tell her that she preferred showers, so she took the bath instead. When she was done Alison helped Emily clean her bloody knuckles and wrap her wrists to prevent swelling.

“I’ve got the guest room ready for you.” Alison tossed a few bloody gauze pads into the trash can.

Emily grabbed her knapsack, which she’d been holding on to like a lifeline, and followed Alison down the hallway. The guest bedroom was bigger than any place Emily had ever called home. She felt like she was walking into a ballroom in a prestigious hotel.

“So, you know where the bathroom is.” Alison pointed to where they’d come from. The kitchen is through the living room and to the left. You’re welcome to anything in the fridge and the cabinets. Make yourself at home.”

“Thanks.” Emily walked over to the bed. She was still clutching her bag.

“My bedroom is upstairs, but the acoustics in the house are really good, so if you need anything just yell.” She looked down at her dog. “I’ll close the doggy door for the night and keep Lupo with me so he doesn’t make loud noises in the middle of the night.”

“No. He…you can let him run free. He shouldn’t have to be caged up just because I’m here.”

“He’ll be fine.” Alison assured her. “I do it all the time when I have company. Just to keep him from flying out the doggy door and barking at every leaf that falls off of a tree.”

Emily nodded.

“Do you mind if I check in on you every few hours?” Alison asked.

“What? To make sure I’m still breathing?” Emily laughed.

“Well, that is kind of the whole point. I just want to make sure the concussion doesn’t get any worse.”

_I can assure you, I’ve had “worse”._

But something about Alison’s generosity shut Emily’s anger up long enough for her to sound like a decent person.

“Sure. Just…be careful when you come in. You’ve seen what I’m like when I’m…when I don’t have control.”

“You have more control than you give yourself credit for.” Alison had been able to pull her out of it in the office. She’d seen the wild aggression in Emily’s eyes, but she also knew exactly how to settle her down.

“Thank you.” Emily looked around the room. “For all of this, I mean.”

“Of course. Can I get you anything?” Alison asked.

“No. I’m wiped. I’ll probably just go to sleep.”

“Okay.” Alison smiled. “There are icepacks in the freezer if you start to hurt.” She moved towards the door.

“Wait.” Emily called for her attention.

When Alison turned around she saw that Emily had a strange look on her face.

“Something wrong?”

“Do you have any guns?”

Alison was thrown by the question, but not for the reasons Emily would assume. Alison had a _“why would you ask me that?”_ on the tip of her tongue, but Emily quickly added,

“I mean…not for me. If you do, you don’t have to tell me where they are or anything. I’m just asking…in case _you_ need protection.”

“From what?”

Emily sighed and looked at the floor.

“From me.”

“I don’t think that you would hurt me.”

_God, she’s so fucking naïve. Does she know how many people I’ve killed?_

“You saw me at that bar tonight, Ali.” Emily slowly looked up from the ground. “I lost it. I lose my shit sometimes. And when I do…”

“Emily, everything will be fine.” Alison interrupted her. “I can take care of myself.”

Emily didn’t argue. They said goodnight. Emily watched her walk out of the room. Alison left the door cracked.

Emily stared at the door. Her entire body was throbbing. She hadn’t asked for anything for the pain because she knew that Alison wouldn’t give her anything. If it got bad enough she still had some painkillers she hadn’t downed in her suicide attempt.

She rooted through her bag until she found her tiny pharmacy stash. She popped the top and looked at the pills. She’d been obsessively counting them since she’d been released from the hospital. There was a sense of relief in knowing that they were there.

Emily put the pills away. Taking them was out of the question. She didn’t really want to be caught unaware in her new surroundings…no matter how swanky those surroundings were. She looked around, taking note of where all the exits were…which windows would be the quickest to access, what she could use as a weapon in case of an emergency.

She stared at the crack in the door. It was making her anxious. She quietly slipped out of bed and walked over to the unsecured perimeter. Leaving it open was out of the question. She knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. Open doors only gave trouble an opportunity to barge in without knocking.

She shut the door. She toyed with the idea of putting a barricade in front of it, but she knew if Alison couldn’t get in she would worry. Because that’s what she did. And she didn’t want Alison to do something stupid like try to come in through the window and scare the shit out of her.

Emily had already attacked her once. And she felt shitty about it. Back in the office when she had that panic attack Alison had been so calm. Emily kept forgetting that Alison’s brother had probably come back just as fucked up. Alison was used to being the caretaker. Not that she _needed_ a caretaker. But it was so hard to say no to her.

Emily quickly jumped back into the bed and looked around. The dark shadows in the room were making her see things that weren’t there. She pulled out a picture of her and Ethan and stared at it to try and center herself. Sometimes if she closed her eyes she could still feel her brother with her. She could conjure his image.

“I can’t believe I left your gun behind over some chick.” Emily spoke quietly to the photo. “If you were here right now you would be giving me _so_ much shit…telling me I’m catching feelings or some crap like that.”

One of the last nights they’d had together they’d sat outside the barracks and talked about the future and what they wanted. They’d both left home so young and in such a hurry that neither one of them had really had the time to establish any meaningful relationships.

_“You ever think about settling down?” _he’d asked.

_“Where’s the fun in that?” _

_“You really should consider it. We can’t run forever, you know.” _

_“Who says we’re running? We’ve got our home here. Now.” _

_“Yeah. I guess.” _He’d taken a sip of his beer. _“Can I ask you something?” _

_“Shoot.” _

_“You remember when you told me you liked girls?” _

_“Yeah. You were the first person I told.” _

_“You were like eight.”_

_“Yeah. So?”_

_“Did you know for sure when you were that young?” _

_“I mean, I was just saying what I felt. But I don’t think I understood what it meant until later.”_

_“When did you know for sure?” _

_“Right after I made out with Maya at that kissing party in fifth grade.” _

_“Do you think everyone knows when they’re that young? Or do some people…do they not know until later?” _

_“People come into their own in their own time. It’s different for everyone. Why? You have something you want to tell me?”_

It was a joke, but Ethan didn’t laugh.

_“Hey, what’s going on, Ethan?” _

_“I think…” _There was a break in the conversation. He’d looked around to make sure no one was watching, _“I don’t know…I just…there have been times where I see a girl and I’m attracted to her. But…there have also been times where I’ve seen a guy…and felt the same.” _

_“There’s nothing wrong with that.” _

_“I’ve never talked to anyone about it. And I feel like I’ve been lying to you, but I…I never knew for sure. I still don’t know. I still…I’m trying to figure everything out. And I feel…I feel kind of left behind, because_ _of_…_him_…_what he did…”_ he’d uttered in disdain, _“…and I just…I still have a hard time with it…” _

_“You don’t have to talk about it. I know. I still have nightmares, too.” _She took his hand. _“We never had a shot at a normal life.”_

_“I just spent so much time trying to take care of you and Ellie that I never stopped to consider what I wanted for me.”_

_“Well, brother, we’ve got the rest of our lives to figure it out. Just promise me that we’ll never let a girl come between us.”_

_“Or a guy.” _

_“No chance of that. You know my opinion on wangs. Disgusting things.”_

_“Good. More for me.” _

Emily smiled. _There_ was the goofy big brother she knew and loved. His smiled faded.

_“You know what sucks the most? I never got to tell mom and dad.”_ He kicked some dirt up underneath his feet. He always looked like a little boy when he did that.

_“Yeah. I know how that feels.”_

_“I want stability more than anything. But not just for me. For you. You deserve to find yourself a nice girl, Em. You deserve a life, a family.”_

_“I already have a family. I have you. And the rest of these assholes.”_

They’d both laughed. It had been the last real conversation they’d had.

Ethan never had a chance to fall in love and find a family of his own. He didn’t get a chance to find _himself_. Because three days later he was dead.

“I wish it had been me,” Emily admitted. “You deserved a life. You were ready to live. I could tell.” She rubbed her thumb against the photo. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” She whispered. “This is so hard, Ethan. I thought…I thought after everything that happened…we were done with tragedy. Why did you have to save me?” She cried. “Why did you _always_ have to play the fucking hero?” She grit her teeth. “Goddamn you, Ethan. _Goddamn you_.”

But she knew she wasn’t really angry at her brother. She was mad that he was gone and she was still alive. She hadn’t been allowing herself to think about him, but after opening up to Alison she’d slowly been letting her brother back into her heart.

And it hurt like a motherfucker.

She ended up crying herself to sleep. She tried to keep her sobs quiet enough so they wouldn’t alert Alison. She wouldn’t be surprised to find the room bugged with a hidden walkie-talkie or something.

But Alison didn’t need a baby monitor to hear her. She woke up to the sounds of screaming several hours later. She scrambled out of bed and ran towards the hallway. Lupo quickly paced after her.

By the time she got downstairs she found Emily thrashing around having a violent nightmare. Her jaw was clenched, her back arched. Her entire body and her pajamas were soaked in sweat. She looked like she was in physical pain.

Alison rushed into the room. Lupo started to follow her, but Alison called for him to stay. He obediently sat by the door.

“No! Stop!” Emily yelled in her sleep. She huffed out a sob.

Alison knew from experience that she shouldn’t wake her. It could be more detrimental than the nightmare itself. And she didn’t want to touch her and trigger her and make it worse. Instead she sat against the edge of the bed.

“Emily, I don’t know if you can hear me. It’s Alison. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. And there’s nothing to be scared of here.” It hurt her to see Emily hurting. “My brother used to sing to me when I was little. It always helped with my bad dreams.”

She started humming a soft melodic tune and then she started to sing. She saw Emily’s body slightly relax, though she was still crying out, grasping desperately at the sheets in between her fingers as if she was trying to swallow her pain by ripping and clawing at the fabric. Her breathing was rapid and shallow.

“Help!” She cried.

Alison saw blood near the corners of her mouth and she realized she’d bitten her tongue.

“She’s dead. Oh, God…no…”

Alison kept singing, occasionally reaching out to rub her arm. Her fingers brushed a scar above her elbow. She wanted Emily to tell her about her scars. She wanted to know everything. Because she wanted to see who Emily Fields was underneath all her bravado. She wanted to show her that scars were proof of the resiliency of the human spirit.

“We’re going to die…” She stopped mid-sentence and let out a roaring scream.

Lupo whined from the doorway. He was still sitting on his haunches looking at Alison, waiting to be released from his command.

Alison quietly shushed him and then started humming to Emily again. Emily was sobbing silently, her eyes closed and her chest heaving. Tears leaked from her eyes. Alison could see the tracks of her tears in the moonlight.

Alison moved her hand to trace over Emily’s knuckles. She was surprised when Emily rolled over and latched on to her hand with both of her hands. She held on for dear life in her unconscious state.

“Please don’t leave me.” She whispered. “I can’t do this without you.”

Alison knew that she was talking to phantoms, but she reassured her anyway.

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

After Emily had settled Alison moved a little closer to her. She checked her pulse, and to no surprise found it fast and erratic. Her face was burning up. She felt like she had a fever, which didn’t surprise Alison.

Alison heard shuffling. She looked over and saw Lupo walking out of the room. She thought he was going back upstairs, but a few seconds later he walked back in carrying his ball. He walked over next to the bed and dropped his toy near Emily’s hand, nudging it towards her. Alison smiled at her dog. Emily was right about animals being better than people.

“I’m sorry.” Emily muttered under her breath.

“What happened to you over there, Em?” Alison whispered, stroking her face with her soft knuckles.

But it wasn’t just what had happened to her overseas. It was what had driven her out there in the first place, and Alison knew that. She knew that Emily had a lot of pain to work through.

Alison sat with her for a little while, making sure she’d truly come down from it. When Emily was asleep again Alison quietly crept out of the room. But instead of going back to her room, she set up shop on the sofa in the living room so she could hear if Emily had another night terror. Lupo laid down next to her.

Emily woke up in the wee hours of the morning to go to the bathroom and saw her on the couch. She smiled softly.

“You just couldn’t help yourself, huh?” Emily whispered.

She took a moment to appreciate how beautiful her features were. It was a different kind of feeling she’d had than when they were in the heat of the moment in the hospital. It was quiet, subtle.

Lupo lifted his head and looked at her. Emily made eye contact with him.

“I won’t ever hurt her. I promise.”

Even if it meant staying as far away from her as possible. She thought about the risks that Alison had taken to help her. She knew that it could become very dangerous for Alison to get involved with her. She started having doubts, and she had a voice inside of her head telling her to leave.

_You’ll get her killed. You get everyone killed._

Lupo noticed the shift in the air. Dogs always knew. He stood up and timidly walked over to her. His presence snapped Emily out of it. She reached down to pet him and then walked off to the bathroom.

When she was done she went back to the guest bedroom. She stared at the bed for a few minutes. Everything looked and felt wrong. She felt too exposed. So she grabbed a pillow and the top sheet and moved in between the tight space between the bed and the closet.

She grabbed her duffel and put it next to her. She could see under the bed. It was spotless. How the hell did Alison keep the place so clean with a dog that shed as much as Lupo?

She stared at her duffel. It had once belonged to Ethan. Sometimes she could swear it still smelled like her brother, which she knew was nuts, but she didn’t care.

She curled up in the little space that she’d made for herself and she went to sleep.

That’s where Alison found her the next morning. At first she’d seen the empty bed and panicked, but then she saw twisted sheets on the floor and when she tiptoed over she saw Emily curled up next to the bed. She was using her bag as a pillow. The actual pillow was halfway underneath the bed.

Alison decided to leave her alone. She went into the kitchen to make some breakfast. She was almost done with the egg omelets when she heard her phone go off. She mentally cursed herself for not silencing her ringer. She had no idea what Emily’s triggers were. She was still learning them. But she didn’t hear anything coming from the guest room, so she shrugged it off.

Alison answered without even looking at the caller ID.

“What?”

“Well, good morning to you, too, sunshine.” Spencer replied.

“Hey. What’s up?”

“I was calling to see if you still need a ride to brunch this morning.”

“Oh, yeah. I don’t think I’m going to make it.”

“What? This bridal shower has been on the calendar for weeks.”

“Well, I mean…it’s their third marriage _to each other_.” Alison pointed out. “Aria’s parents and their will-they or won’t-they make-up and break-up thing isn’t that big of a deal.”

“It is to Aria. This brunch is as much for her as it is for them.”

“It’s like a third baby shower. Why are they asking for gifts? They’ve been married twice before. How many blenders do they need? Besides, she won’t even notice I’m not there. You’ll be her wing-woman.” Spencer was pretty much always Aria’s wing-woman these days.

“What is wrong with you? Aria has _always_ been there for you.”

And it was true. Aria had always been supportive of Alison. Even when she was a total bitch in high school Aria had stayed by her side. And she wasn’t afraid to call her out when she was getting out of line. It had caused a lot of fights between them, but they’d somehow managed to stay friends.

When they were younger Alison pissed Aria off sometimes, but she was the first person to come to her defense any time anyone tried to hurt her. In fact, when a creep named Ian Thomas called Alison a carpet munching homo, Aria verbally tore him to pieces and then hit him in the face with her World History book. Aria had been there for her through all of her family turmoil. She’d been by Alison’s side the day her brother was arrested.

That’s why it was hard for Alison to bail on her. She thought about inviting Emily, but she knew that would be tacky. Not to mention she didn’t think crowds would be a good idea.

“You’re going.” Spencer ordered.

“I can’t. Something came up.”

“Then cancel whatever it is.”

Alison bit her lip. She knew that Spencer wouldn’t relent. She stared at the counter, contemplating how to tell Spencer that she’d done exactly what she had told her _not_ to do.

She smelled something funny and then heard a crackling noise.

“Shit. My eggs are burning.” She rushed over to the oven and pulled the pan away from the stove and turned the eye off.

“What?” Spencer asked. “Since when do you cook?” There was a pause on the line. “Oh my God. Did you have a booty call last night? Are you hungover? Is that what this is about?”

“No.” _Shit. I should have just said yes. _But she knew that would paint her in a terrible light. “Okay, listen, don’t freak out, okay? But…you remember the girl I was telling you about? The one that just got back from overseas?”

“The one you screwed in the hospital. Yeah. Kind of hard to forget that story.” Her tone was teeming with judgement.

“I…I ran into her last night. She was in pretty rough shape. I offered to let her stay here to get her back on her feet. Last night was a little rocky…”

“You brought her _home_ with you? Have you lost your mind?” Spencer screeched into the phone. “This goes way beyond taking your work home with you. This girl could be dangerous.”

“She’s not dangerous! She’s hurt.” Alison growled back defensively.

She regretted telling her. When it came to Emily she couldn’t put their connection into words.

“She has lost everyone she ever cared about. She has seen things that no one should ever have to see.” She had to bite her tongue from going into detail about Emily’s dad being killed in a shooting and the hardships she’d faced overseas, because it wasn’t her story to share. “You remember how Jason was…”

“She isn’t your brother. You have to move past that. You’ve got to let that go.”

“And how exactly am I supposed to do that? He’s in jail…” _Because of me._ She couldn’t finish the thought out loud.

“Listen, Ali, I understand that you’re going through something right now. I do. But not every wounded dove needs to be saved. Projecting your issues on to someone else as a distraction isn’t…”

“She is _not_ a goddamn distraction, Spencer!”

Alison heard a quiet thud and then the sound of retreating footsteps. Seconds later she heard the front door open and close.

“Damn it. I’ve got to go. I think she might have heard me. I probably just scared her away.”

“This isn’t healthy, Alison…”

“I know what I’m doing.”

Spencer grumbled something under her breath.

“Fine. Fine. But at least text me every so often to let me know you’re okay.”

“Talk to you soon.” Alison quickly hung up.

She walked into the living room and called out Emily’s name, but got no response. She saw movement out in the front yard. Through the large glass window she could see Emily, her bag in hand, walking towards the street.

Alison flung the front door open and chased after her. She didn’t care that she was in her pajamas and that she looked like hell. She didn’t care what the neighbors would think.

“Emily, wait!”

Emily stopped walking and turned around. She let Alison close the distance between them. She rubbed the back of her neck, wiping away a sheen of sweat. She always sweat so much during the night.

“Look, I, uh…I appreciate the roof last night and all, but I don’t want to cramp your style.” Emily shuffled the bag on her shoulder. “And I don’t want to be a pet project.”

“That’s not what this is.”

“Why are you doing this? I mean…we’re strangers.”

“I don’t think we’re strangers anymore. I think we’re a little beyond that.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me. I’m…it’s um…it’s not safe.”

“It is. I promise. This is a good neighborhood. And Lupo is a great guard dog.”

“No, I don’t mean it that way.” Emily rubbed her hands together as she nervously looked around. She had to wonder how many people were watching her from their windows. “I just don’t think it’s safe for you to be around me. I…I bring a lot of problems. A lot of death…”

“Emily, you’re not on the battlefield anymore. You can build a life…if you want to.”

_“You deserve a life, a family.”_ It was one of the last things her brother had said to her.

_Yeah, with my dying organs. What a fanciful life that would be._

“I’ve been doing just fine on my own.” Emily shrugged.

“You don’t _have_ to be on your own…”

Alison moved forward to touch her hand, stopping when her fingers were hovering over Emily’s. She didn’t want to freak her out. Emily stared at Alison’s awaiting hand.

“Why is this so important to you?” _I’m nothing. I’m no one._ Emily was exasperated.

“Look, when you called that night…” Alison wasn’t sure how to describe what she’d been feeling. It’s like she’d known Emily their whole lives. When she was listening to her die she felt like she was losing her best friend. How did she tell her that without scaring the shit out of her? “Do you remember it? The call?”

Emily thought about it, trying to recall that night. Most of it was a blur.

“You said something about…storms passing.”

Emily remembered hearing that. She also remembered Alison refusing to leave her. She remembered feeling like she was outside of her body watching the whole thing. And she remembered thinking how odd it was that the blonde insisted on being with her the whole time.

“I was trying so hard to get you to stay alive. _I_ wanted you alive. Not because of my job or because it’s the human thing to do. Because _I_ wanted you around. When I first heard your voice I felt this…connection. And when I found you under that bridge and I saw how close you were to dying…” Alison shuddered. “When I found you like that I was so afraid I was going to lose you. And I didn’t want that. Because I’d _just_ found you.” She meant more than just physically. But she held back that information.

Emily was still having trouble understanding why she felt so strongly about her. She’d never been anyone’s first choice. She’d never been anyone’s choice at all.

“There is nothing special about me. I don’t know why you think that there is, but…” She frowned. “Life doesn’t have the same meaning to me as it does to you. You live. I survive. There’s a difference.”

“It’s not about our differences. It’s about what brought us together.”

“I was on my way out. I called you. That’s it.”

“It wasn’t even my phone line.”

“What?”

“I was covering for a coworker. And she’s wonderful and just as amazing as I am and I’m sure she would have been very helpful. But there was a reason she wasn’t there. There was a reason it was me. I believe that now. I’m not sure what I believe when it comes to fate or coincidences or any of that. But I think we were supposed to meet. I think this is how it’s supposed to be.”

“Ali…” _Shit, does she prefer “Ali” or “Alison?” _“Alison…”

“I’m not asking for anything more than just _now_.” Alison timidly reached out and touched Emily’s hand. She expected her to pull away, but she didn’t.

There was a quiet unspoken exchange between them. Emily opened her mouth to say something, but all that came out was a sigh. Alison was peering at her, a desperate plea emitting from her soulful blue eyes. Emily could tell how much it meant to her.

“Stay.” Alison uttered. “Please. I _want_ you to stay.”

Emily dropped her shoulders, her tension fading away.

_I’m so going to regret this…_

How did this girl have her _so_ whipped? What was it about her?

“Okay.” Emily relented. “But I’m going to keep the motel room just in case…”

Alison smiled. Her dimples were like sunshine. The expression on her face made Emily feel warm.

“That’s fair enough.” Alison agreed.

“And I don’t want you babysitting me. I’m an adult. I’m going to come and go as I please.”

“Would it be too much for me to ask for your number? So I can check in? I won’t bother you. I promise.”

“Sure.” She only had a burner phone and she changed them out every so often. She could always decide to run later and get a new burner.

“Come on.” Alison motioned towards the house. “I made us breakfast.”

“Oh, this deal comes with a free buffet? Why didn’t you say so?” Emily followed her.

They walked back into the house. Emily put her things back in the guest bedroom. She found her way to the dining room, where Alison was putting their plates on the table.

Emily stared at the large room. It had an open floor plan, so it seemed like it went on forever.

“This seems like an awfully large place for just one person.” Emily admired the mansion. “You sure you’re not hiding a secret wife? Or twelve?”

“Nope. Only me. But it is a big place to take care of. I have a cleaning service come twice a week.”

Of course she did. She probably had a fucking butler, too. Emily imagined he was on vacation in the Bahamas.

“It wasn’t always just me.” Alison walked back into the kitchen to grab a pitcher of orange juice.

“Right.” Emily looked at a large glass bookcase filled with photos of Alison and her friends. There were several of her with an older guy who favored her. She saw one of him in his military fatigues and picked it up.

“This your brother?” Emily asked as Alison walked back into the room.

“Yeah.” Alison put the juice down.

Emily admired the picture for a few seconds. She could tell by the pain in his eyes that the photo had been taken _after_ he’d been overseas. The look in his eyes, the look that had seen death, was unmistakable.

“What did he do to land in the slammer?”

Alison flinched. So she _had_ heard the conversation with Spencer.

“It’s a long story.”

“You are such a hypocrite.” Emily laughed.

“Excuse me?”

“You preach to me all about ‘sharing feelings’ and ‘scars and their beauty’ and you’re lying straight to my face. You want me to be open with you. But you don’t want to open up to me. You can’t have it both ways, sweetheart.”

“All right.” Alison motioned for Emily to have a seat.

“Do I curtsy first, or…how do I do this fancy shit?” Emily gave her a hard time.

“Just sit your ass in the damn chair.”

_Ohh, yes ma’am…_

Something about her taking control was just a little bit sexy. Emily smirked at her and sat down. Alison sat next to her. She coolly poured herself a glass of juice and then looked at Emily.

“You want to know about my family?” She took a sip of her drink. “Let’s start with the fact that my brother is in prison for murder.”


	6. Disorderly Conduct

* * *

**Chapter 6:**

**Disorderly Conduct**

Alison told Emily her version of the truth about how her brother had killed their father and one of his associates, and how he had sent their mother to the hospital with a traumatic brain injury. She had been institutionalized for a year before she passed away from complications from the injury.

It had all happened in the very room where they were sitting. Of course, the house had been completely scrubbed down and remodeled to wash away the memories. It had been eight years, but Alison still remembered it with perfect clarity.

“My dad was a religious man, which, as you can imagine wasn’t easy when it comes to me being gay. I stayed closeted until I was fifteen. I wasn’t ever planning on telling him. I was just planning on disappearing after I graduated. But he found me at the park making out with a girl from school. He’d followed me, because he thought I was sneaking off to do drugs.” Her eyes welled up with tears. “He told me he’d rather see me overdosing than to see me with another girl. He was really rough on me after that. We had to attend every church service he could find and he tried to “exorcise” the demons…”

_Pray away the gay? That fucking asshole. If he wasn’t dead, I’d kill him myself._ Emily hated Alison’s father. She didn’t care that the man was dead. She hated anyone who used an imaginary tool as a shield for their hatred and bigotry.

She wanted to hug Alison and never let her go. She wanted her to know that it was okay that she was who she was.

“When that didn’t work he put me in conversion therapy.” Alison rubbed her arm nervously.

She had spent so many nights crying over the fact that there was something wrong with her. At fifteen, she couldn’t comprehend that something was wrong with her parents.

“They tried to convince me how messed up my “choice” was…”

“Fuck that.” Emily frowned. She took Alison’s hand. “You’re beautiful. And perfect. Just the way you are. You know that, right?”

Alison stopped moving her fork against her plate and immediately looked up at Emily. It was the first time since they’d met that Emily had initiated intimate contact.

Alison smiled. Emily saw her dimples and she couldn’t help but smile back. Her cheeks looked so kissable.

“I do. Now. But back then I was angry. I was confused. My parents convinced me that I was a sin of nature. They made me feel like I was sick, like…like I had some horrid disease and I needed to be healed. It was so demeaning. And the program…it was rough.”

“Did they hurt you?” _I’ll fucking murder them. I’ll fucking murder the whole church._

“They…” Alison drifted off, “…they used electric shock therapy and waterboarding sometimes…”

“What?” Emily asked in a rage. “Where is this place?” _I’m going to take a flamethrower to it. I’m going to burn it to the goddamn ground. _

She already knew she was going to hell. She might as well torch a few “houses of the Lord” on her way out.

“The program was exposed and disbanded a few years ago.” Though it didn’t really matter, because Alison knew they just packed up shop, changed the name of their ‘practice’, and started somewhere new again. She stabbed her fork into her omelet. “Of course…they were old, white, privileged, and religious, so naturally they just got a slap on the wrist.”

Emily understood where Alison’s hatred of religion came from now. And she hated it, too. She hated it _for_ her. She wanted to do a lot more than slap the people who had hurt her.

“They ruined a lot of lives. They destroyed a lot of young LGBTQ people. I saw it firsthand when I was there. I was one of the lucky ones. I finished their stupid little program. It didn’t do anything about my attraction. It just made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. So that’s how I treated everyone around me. I rebelled. I lashed out.” Alison sighed. “I was horrible to everyone at school. And then I would turn around and pull every girl I could find into the supply closet to make out with me.”

As Emily listened, she could feel Alison’s shame and pain and anger. And it made her feel pain and anger, too. She was seething.

“I was afraid to be myself in public. I tried to hide who I was. A few months later my parents caught me looking at a new girl in church and they shoved me back into the program. I was beyond pissed at this point. I ended up getting kicked out of the program for having sex with another girl in the preacher’s office.”

Emily laughed when she pictured Alison mid-orgasm flipping the bird to a man of God while she was naked and coming on his desk.

_What a little badass._ The more she learned about Alison, the more she liked her.

“I thought I could just wait it out for a year. I knew when I turned 18 I could bail on my parents. But my dad had another idea in mind. He had a business associate he made a deal with. He paid him to marry me. He thought he could make this man my husband and force me to like men…”

“He was trying to convert you by _selling_ you?” Emily thought she might explode in rage. _What kind of ass backwards 17th century masochistic bullshit…_ She let go of Alison’s hand and moved her palms back, trying to keep from curling her fingers into fists and hitting something.

“To one of the _worst_ kind of men. The masochist who feels that women should be subservient. This man was already telling me how much he was looking forward to making me see what a real man felt like and how I’d never want another girl after I had his dick. It was…I felt so gross. Not just at the thought of…_him_, but that it’s what my dad thought I needed to ‘set me straight’.”

_I would have shot the bastard, too. Good for your brother._

“I tried to run away a few times, but since I was still underage the cops brought me home every time. I thought about telling them about what my father was doing, but I didn’t think they’d believe me. I had a record as a drama queen. Who was going to believe a 17-year-old crying about her dad? I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone. My dad was doing this to me. My mom was letting him. I didn’t have anyone.”

Emily knew a thing or two about having shitty parents. Her dad had been the perfect parent. No one would have ever measured up, but the dirty cop that her mother had married had been the _worst_ of the worst. And her mother had been too blinded by grief to see what a monster he was.

“A few months before I turned 18, my brother came home. He had no idea any of this was going on, and I wanted to tell him. But he was so messed up from his tour overseas that I was afraid I would just add to his problems. It took almost a month for me to find the courage to come out to him. I thought he would shun me like our parents. But he just hugged me and kissed the top of my head. He said he always knew and that he was glad I was finally comfortable enough to tell him. And I just poured my soul out to him. I told him that dad was planning to marry me off and let some pedophile make me have sex with him.”

Emily flinched. She clenched her jaw in anger. She tried to concentrate on her breathing so she wouldn’t lose her shit. Seeing Alison this upset triggered something inside of her. Because she knew what it felt like to be at the mercy of men like that.

_Where is this dickhead buried? I want to spit on his grave._

“I stayed the night with Jason and then we went to get my things the next day. I was going to move in with him. But…then things…things escalated. My dad and his friend were getting really aggressive with us. Jason pulled a gun in self-defense. And dad’s psycho friend grabbed a knife and stabbed him in the leg. Jason just reacted on instinct.”

She told Emily about the shooting…about how the two men had ganged up on them and how Jason had been aiming for the man and their father, but that their mom had been injured in the crossfire.

She left out some of the finer details. Emily could tell that something was missing from the story, but she wasn’t about to drag Alison for lying when she was sitting on her own secrets. She knew the blonde would tell her everything in her own time.

“Jason never would have been in the middle had I not asked him for help. He was just trying to protect me. I _asked_ him to protect me…”

It came as no surprise to Emily that Alison’s brother had come to her aid. Ethan had always protected her and Ellie. And Emily knew what it was like to want to sacrifice yourself for a sibling. She spent a lot of sleepless nights wishing she could have done more to save her sister…or died in her place. And she felt the same about Ethan. Ethan and Ellie were all she’d had in the world. She knew what it meant to love someone so much that you physically ached over their loss.

“No, it’s not your fault. What happened to him is not on you. That’s just what brothers do.” Emily assured her. Ethan had saved her more than once. He had _died_ for her.

Emily noticed the way Alison was emotionally pulling away. She recognized the signs. Because she did it, too. Alison’s stance was tense. Her tone was nervous.

Emily reached out and gently put her hand on top of Alison’s again.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Alison.”

Alison looked at their hands and smiled. She slowly lifted her eyes to meet Emily’s gaze.

“It’s nothing compared to what you’ve gone through, but…”

“This isn’t about me. My pain doesn’t make yours less important. We all have our own crosses to bear.”

“So, knowing that, you still want to stay in this murder house?”

“I didn’t want to stay here in the first place.” Emily quipped. “_You_ made me.”

Alison laughed. Emily could be quite soft when she wanted to be. Her jagged edges were glaringly obvious, but Alison saw something deeper inside of her. She’d seen that softer side during their office rendezvous.

There had been such a flood of regret on her face when she thought she’d hurt her during sex. And the tenderness and compassion she’d seen in her eyes when she asked Emily to look at her in the midst of it couldn’t be faked.

Alison knew the anger and her sardonic nature was just a cover for the emotions that she was hiding. She knew it was going to take time to get her to open up, but she was willing to wait.

After they finished eating Alison gave Emily a tour of the house. In the light of day it looked so much bigger. Emily was in awe of the architecture and the landscape outside. She hadn’t been able to see the giant pool in the backyard when they’d gotten there last night, but when she looked out the back door she could see the sun bouncing off of the water.

Alison told Emily to make the place her own, and Emily knew she meant it. She had never met anyone quite so generous.

That day was just the start of their relationship.

They settled into a routine over the next few weeks. They learned how to be around each other without stepping on one another’s toes. They slowly let one another in.

Emily didn’t stay at Alison’s house alone. She hadn’t been in a house in years, let alone a mansion. She did her own thing during the day. Sometimes she went with Alison to the call center to see how the other half operated. Sometimes she took Lupo to the park or out hiking. Nature was quiet. And she felt more secure with the dog around.

Sometimes she disappeared for the day, but she always found her way back to Alison’s place when the sun set. Sometimes she smelled like alcohol. Sometimes she didn’t. Alison didn’t want to become overbearing, but she begged her not to drink. Emily usually brushed her off and then disappeared into her little hidey-hole in the guest bedroom.

She had night terrors fairly frequently. Sometimes they woke Alison up. When they did she’d go in and sing to her to try and calm her down. Any time Alison didn’t wake up, Lupo woke her up. He’d lead her to Emily’s room and scratch at the door and whine until he could get in.

Every morning when Emily woke up it took her a few seconds to get her bearings...to remember that she was safe.

They slowly started to build up trust. They shared meals. Sometimes when she woke up before Alison she would make them breakfast. They talked, though Emily rarely ever went into detail.

She didn’t talk much during the group sessions either. But she got to know some of the other participants.

Hanna was her favorite. She was hilarious. And she was hot, too.

She started to warm up to Mona, too. Mona didn’t trust her at first, but after Emily brought her an authentic Russian nesting doll set Mona decided she liked her. Mona loved dolls.

Alison watched curiously as Emily took care of everyone in the group. She had an instinct to nurture them. It was infuriating to Alison that she wouldn’t nurture herself.

By the time the second week of therapy had rolled around, Emily had gotten everyone little gifts. They were all personalized. They were all things Emily knew they would like. Make-up for Hanna to accentuate her pretty face. A dress for Charles to feel more fierce. A dreamcatcher for Melissa to have a calming focal point.

Alison didn’t know they were Emily’s personal possessions. She was slowly weeding through them and giving them away. She knew she wouldn’t be needing them much longer. She figured there had to be a point at which she would have to give them away.

Alison saw subtle changes in Emily. She started to feel cautiously optimistic that she was turning a corner.

Everything was going fine until three weeks into Emily’s therapy. But then one day she didn’t show up for the group session.

Alison tried calling her, but it went to voicemail.

Emily saw her name on the caller ID and let it keep ringing. She shoved the phone into her back pocket and clutched the brown paper sack in her hand. She gripped the open bottle of alcohol that was inside and took a swig before wiping her lips.

She had been trying not to drink as much, because when she drank she got angry. But it was getting close to her birthday, which was just a painful reminder that it would be her first one without Ethan shoving birthday cake in her face.

It was a tradition that he’d started when he she was a baby. He’d started doing it on her first birthday, but the first time Emily really remembered it happening was when she was four.

_“Make a wish!”_ Her mother had snapped a picture of the cake with the burning candles.

Emily had closed her eyes and blown the little sparks of flame out. Seconds later her brother put his fingers into the cake and scooped a piece of it into his hand.

_“Happy birthday, smoosh-face.” _Ethan had then pushed a chunk of cake against her lips.

Emily had taken the opportunity to bite her big brother. He’d made a show of running away dramatically. Emily had giggled in hysterics. Her brother was a riot.

A few seconds later her dad pulled the candles out of the birthday cake. He licked one and handed one to Emily, who promptly tried to bite into it.

_“Oh, no…sweetie, that’s…”_ Her mother had tried to take it from her, but Emily had already chewed it, made a face, and spit it out.

Her dad chuckled and picked her up while her mom started to clean up the mess.

_“Did you wish for something good?”_

_“Yeah!”_

_“What?”_

_“If I tell you, it won’t come true.”_

_“Come on, munchkin. It will just be between me and you.”_

Emily hugged his neck and smiled.

_“I wished to be your little princess forever and ever.”_

_“Your wish is my command, your highness.” _

He’d kneeled down and offered to be her steadfast knight and then let her ride around on his back for nearly twenty minutes.

Sometimes Emily wished she’d never shared that wish. Because thanks to her big mouth, it hadn’t come true. Thanks to her big mouth he’d been shot to death in front of her.

After her dad died she’d stopped wanting to celebrate her birthday, at least until Ellie came along. Even in their volatile household, that little baby had managed to be a bright spark of light in the dark.

When she was old enough to comprehend the concept of a birthday, she was all about celebrating. The first birthday she’d celebrated was her big sissy’s birthday.

She had made Emily put on a cheap plastic tiara that Ethan had gotten at the dollar store and then blew a noise-maker in Emily’s face. The multicolored party-paper had struck Emily in the nose before curling back up into the tube in between Ellie’s lips. They had both giggled.

Emily had reached out to wipe away some of the purple frosting on Ellie’s face. She had eaten her cupcake so quickly that she’d made a mess. Emily plucked a sprinkle off of her face. Ellie smiled and pulled the noisemaker away from her mouth.

_“I got you a birfday present.”_

_“You did?”_

_“Uh huh. And the best part is it will last for always.”_ She had moved out of her chair and climbed into Emily’s lap. _“Wanna know what it is?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“My forever love,”_ she’d buried her face into Emily’s neck and hugged her tightly. _“You like it?”_

_“It’s my favorite present in the whole wide world.”_

Ellie had smiled so widely at her.

_“I love you, Emmy.”_

_“I love you, too, brat.”_

Emily longed for those days. She felt like the memories were slipping away from her. She didn’t have many happy memories, so holding on to those few precious moments was imperative to her.

The moments where her dad tickled her so hard that she cried in laughter, or when her mother sat her up on the counter while she baked…or when her brother had given her half of his cupcake because she accidentally dropped hers…or when Ellie hugged her and told her she was the best big sister ever…those moments mattered. And to see them all going up in a vat of smoke, in a hail of gunfire, it made her feel unsteady.

And when she was unsteady…she did reckless things...

...like going back to the seedy bar she’d been tossed out of almost a month ago.

The gun that the bouncer had ripped out of her hands the night of the fight had been the first weapon she’d ever fired. It had belonged to her father’s father. She couldn’t let go of the sentimental attachment. She also couldn’t let go of the anger over not being able to finish the fight that night. She wanted someone to pay for the way Alison had been treated, especially after she found out what Alison’s parents had done to her. She was angry and wanted to take it out on people who deserved it.

She didn’t want those chauvinistic dickheads to get the last laugh. So she waited until the regulars started pouring in. She pulled her hood up over her head and slipped in with the crowd. She spent a few minutes blending in. Then she found her way into the back office of the bar.

She rooted around until she found a filing cabinet full of things that had been taken from rowdy patrons. She found her grandfather’s gun tucked in the back. She pulled it out and felt the weight of the magazine, which was still fully loaded.

_Fucking idiots._

They hadn’t even bothered to take the ammo out. She rolled her eyes and put the gun into her empty holster. She was planning on taking it back to the motel where her brother’s gun was safely stored.

She glanced in the drawer before closing it. There were all kinds of wild items inside. Keys, handcuffs, jagged broken scissors, fireworks, and a large dildo shaped like a pistol.

Emily could imagine shoving an actual gun into a few people’s asses and pulling the trigger. She closed the drawer and started towards the door.

She heard footsteps approaching. She slipped her hand underneath her hoodie and gripped the gun just as the door opened.

She didn’t recognize the man from the night of the fight, but he was wearing the same uniform that the other bouncers had been wearing. He had an ugly mug on his face, too.

“What the hell are you doing in here?” The man reached towards his waistband.

Emily charged forward and plowed into him before he had a chance to grab his weapon. They scuffled for a few seconds until she got him to drop his gun. He started to dive for it, but she grabbed him and put him in a chokehold.

“Crazy bitch…” He heaved out a breath.

He reached around until his fingers hit the edge of the desk. He grabbed a snowglobe and smashed it against the side of her head, creating a nasty gash at the top of her jaw near her right ear. He raised it up to hit her again, but she jerked him backwards and he dropped it. He grabbed a letter opener and stabbed her in the side, but it barely fazed her.

She continued to choke him until he started to lose consciousness. It made his motions more feral and desperate. He kicked back until he was able to slam her against the wall, momentarily getting her to loosen his grip.

He doubled over and heaved out a coughing fit. Emily scrambled to get his gun before he had a chance to. He stood up, ready to fight again, but she coolly aimed the weapon at him.

He saw a flicker of familiarity in her eyes, but he couldn’t place it.

“Do you know how many men I’ve killed?” Emily stared down the barrel of the gun. “Men just like you. Twisted fuckers who posturize because they’re overcompensating for what they’re lacking in their pants. Men who have to feel like they’re in power to make them feel big and bad when in reality they’re just small weak-minded little pussies.”

She played with the trigger. She licked some blood away from her lip. She looked at him with a wicked grin.

“I don’t have a problem pulling this trigger. Maybe I’ll kill you. Maybe I’ll just shoot your dick off. I really don’t give a shit what goes down here. I don’t give a fuck whether or not I live or die. But I’m betting that you do. And I’m betting even more that you value that thing between your thighs more than you value your life. So go ahead. Make a move. See what happens.”

Neither one of them moved. He stared her down, trying to figure out if she’d do it. She had a dark look in her eyes. He saw the cold expression on her face. And it registered where he knew her from. He put his hands up and moved away from the door.

“Get over by the desk.” Emily ordered.

He did what he was told. She yanked open the drawer and grabbed the handcuffs. She made him give her his wrist and she handcuffed him to an exposed water pipe.

“Call for help and I’ll kill whoever comes running.” Emily threatened.

“Damn, someone didn’t get enough love as a child. What’s wrong? Daddy issues?”

_What the fuck did this bulbous piece of dickfat just say to me…_

She drew her hand back at lightning speed and brought the butt of the gun down hard against his face. She heard the _crack_ of it hitting his bone. He spit out a chunk of blood and laughed.

She put the gun up to his head.

_Do it. Just fucking shoot him. He’s a piece of shit. He doesn’t deserve to live. _

Her hands were shaking. She could feel the alcohol she’d consumed burning her veins. She bit down on her tongue so hard she tasted blood.

“You don’t have the balls,” he scoffed.

_Fuck him…_

But then she thought about Alison. And it was enough to stop her. Because Alison saw the best version of her. She wanted to _be_ the best version of herself for her.

No.” Emily’s finger was shaking against the trigger. “No, that’s not who I am.”

When he laughed at her, she brought the gun down against his head again, this time knocking him for a loop.

She quickly bolted from the room before she could do something she’d regret. She had to remind herself she wasn’t overseas anymore. Though sometimes, being overseas had felt much safer than being at home.

She ran out into the cold air, barely able to catch her breath. She was bloodied and beaten and completely disoriented. All she knew was that she’d almost killed him.

She didn’t know that she _should_ have killed him. Because the second she left the room he reached for the cell phone in his pocket and dialed a number. When he got an answer he grinned, a sinister look on his face.

“You’ll never guess who was just here.”

As the rotund piece of shit bouncer was selling her out, Emily was running with no sense of an idea where she was going. She turned street corners and ran through alleys. She disappeared between buildings and ducked behind garbage bins. She ran until she didn’t recognize her surroundings anymore.

She just wanted to silence the panic and the anger and the fear. She wanted to silence the hell in her mind.

So she disappeared.

It was the first night that Emily didn’t go back to Alison’s house.

Her absence sent Alison into a tailspin. She kept trying to call her, but Emily was too lost to be found. She was lost in her pain. She was lost in her demons. She was lost in the darkness.

Alison called Aria the next day when she still hadn’t heard anything. Aria helped her look all day, but they didn’t find a trace of her.

Alison started to fear the worst when she didn’t come home the second night. Aria brought her dinner to try and take her mind off of it.

They watched as Aria’s daughter played with Lupo. The little girl squealed in excitement every time the dog did _anything_. Aria laughed at the playful nature they had. She looked over and saw the forlorn look on Alison’s face.

“She’ll come back when she’s ready, Ali,” Aria assured her.

“What if she’s hurt?”

“She’s survived a lot. She’s strong.”

Alison smiled at her friend and nodded silently.

Aria was trying to be optimistic. But they both knew that there was a high probability of another suicide attempt since she’d tried to kill herself before. Alison couldn’t shake the feeling that Emily was lying dead in a ditch somewhere. It crushed her.

When she heard a knock at her front door on the third night she expected the worst. She expected someone from the police department coming to inform her that they’d found Emily’s body.

But when she opened the door she saw the brunette standing there in the cold. Her cheeks were red. Her lips were puffy and dry. She looked like she was dehydrated. She had a huge bruise on the side of head. Her hair was damp and smelled like generic flowery shampoo. She had her hands buried inside of the front of her hoodie. She was shaking from head to toe.

“I…I took a shower at the Y.” Emily shivered. “Forgot my fucking towel.”

Alison yanked her into the house. She pulled the hood down and observed the cuts on her face.

“What the hell happened to you?”

“I wanted my gun. So I got my gun.” She shuddered. “Don’t worry. It’s not on me. I left it…” She cinched her eyes shut in pain. “I left it with the other one.”

“Where have you been? I tried calling you.”

Emily made a face.

“I think I dropped my phone somewhere.”

Alison guided her towards the couch and motioned for her to sit down. She grabbed a blanket and threw it over Emily’s shoulders to try and warm her up. She looked pale and sick, and Alison feared that she was overdosing again.

“Emily, you need to tell me if you’re on something.” Alison frowned.

Emily laughed angrily, her teeth chattering.

“You think I would have come strolling up to you like this if I was trying to kill myself again? I would have found a nice little quiet place, maybe listened to some good tunes on my way out. I wouldn’t have gone looking for help I didn’t want.”

“You did last time.”

Emily huffed and then moved her left hand up against her ride side. It was throbbing.

“I think I’m sick.” Emily grimaced.

Alison gently put her palm against Emily’s cheek. Her skin was sweltering hot. She pushed her knuckles against Emily’s forehead.

“You’re burning up.” She left her palm against Emily’s cheek and put her other hand against her other cheek.

“My side hurts. And my back.” Of course, that could have been from the fight.

“Where?”

Emily motioned to where the pain was the worst. Alison laid her fingers against her sweatshirt and Emily grimaced.

“Here?” Alison pressed gently against her side.

“Ow, fuck. Yeah.”

“You might have a kidney infection. Or your liver could be inflamed. You’re going to need antibiotics.”

“Don’t you know that shit will kill you?” Emily forced a smile on her face. “Everything gives you cancer now.”

“I can only assume you’re going to refuse going to the hospital?” Alison reached for her phone.

“It’s like you can read my mind.”

“Well, then it’s a good thing I can bring the hospital to you.”

She texted Cece, knowing that she had access to the medications Emily would need. She knew there would come a day when it would be beyond Cece’s capabilities to help her, but she intended to use her expertise for as long as she possibly could. And Cece would do anything for her.

Cece brought over some antibiotics and some medication for inflammation. She made sure to avoid opioids and other heavy drugs.

“So, we meet again.” Emily frowned.

“You’re looking a little rough there, Calamity Jane.” Cece cleaned the abrasion on her head.

_Stupid fucking snowglobe._ Emily cursed to herself when she felt the sting of the antiseptic on the cut. She jerked away.

“The more you move the more it’s going to hurt.” Cece tried to still her motions.

“I don’t know what Alison has on you to keep you on speed dial like this for me, but thank you.”

“She’s my ride or die.” Cece explained. “Just remember that, because if you hurt her…you and I will be squaring off.”

“You’d probably just fix me up after the fight.”

“I probably would.” Cece laughed. She reached for the bottle of antibiotics just as Alison walked into the room with a glass of water. “These should help with the infection. But if they don’t you really need to go in and get bloodwork done. A kidney infection is one thing. But if it’s your liver…”

“I got it.” Emily shrugged, taking the drugs.

“Take one every six hours and monitor the fever.” Cece put the bottle down and faced Emily again. “And hey, quit being a dumbass, okay? You’ve got someone who actually gives a shit here.”

Emily laughed. Cece was a ballsy little bitch. Emily liked her.

“Whatever you say, Doc.”

“Technically I’m a resident.” Cece corrected her.

“Good. I don’t like doctors.”

Cece scoffed and rolled her eyes. She told Alison exactly what she’d told Emily and then she had to go back to her shift at the hospital.

“You didn’t have to call her.” Emily shifted on the couch. The last thing she wanted to do was become was a burden.

“You could be going in multi-organ failure, but yeah, sure, let’s ignore that and just wait and see.” Alison quipped back sarcastically.

“I’m not.” Emily replied. “In organ failure. Not yet. They technically just call it insufficiency.”

“And if you don’t take care of yourself and take your meds like you’re supposed to you could _easily_ go into organ failure.”

“You realize none of this would be happening if you’d just let me die?”

“There is no world in which I would let that happen.” Alison pushed a strand of hair away from her sweaty cheek.

Her touch brought Emily’s pain to a standstill, just for a few moments.

“I know.” Emily looked at her sadly. That’s what had kept her from going over the edge again. Six hours ago she’d been standing on a bridge staring down at the frigid waters below, but all she’d been able to see was Alison’s face. “You’re annoying, you know that?”

“And you’re a pain in the ass.” Alison smiled softly at her. “How long has it been since you had something to eat?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll heat you up some soup. Those antibiotics probably won’t settle well on an empty stomach.”

“You don’t have to take care of me.”

“Well, _you’re_ certainly not taking care of you. Now shut up and let me make you some fucking soup.”

Emily was impressed with her backbone. She didn’t argue with her. She was too tired to argue.

Alison heated her up some chicken noodle soup. By the time she got back into the living room, Emily was asleep. She had crashed on the couch. She was sitting up with her legs propped up on the ottoman. Lupo was next to her, his head in her lap.

Alison sighed and put the soup down on the end table. She could see Emily twitching and breathing unevenly.

“Emily?” she asked softly. She didn’t get a response. “Em?”

Emily muttered something, but didn’t open her eyes. Alison felt her forehead. She was still scorching hot.

She went to grab a few things and then came back into the living room and maneuvered her way in next to Emily. She managed not to disturb Emily _or_ the dog.

Alison wiped Emily’s face down with a cool cloth, trying to bring her temperature down. Emily was still asleep, still shivering, her teeth chattering. Her head was jerking from side to side. She was muttering and mumbling incoherent things. Occasionally she’d cry and recoil like something was trying to hurt her. The fever was wreaking havoc on her mind. Not only was she delusional, but she was reliving her worst nightmares.

Alison quietly talked to her to remind her that she wasn’t alone, and that she wouldn’t be alone when she came out of it. She gently wrapped her arm around Emily’s shoulder and moved the brunette’s head down against her chest. She could feel the hot flesh of her cheek even through her thin cotton shirt. She could feel her shivering, but she couldn’t tell if it was from the fever or her nightmares.

Alison sat with her for nearly two hours before Emily finally jolted herself awake. She was disoriented. She sat up in confusion.

“How are you feeling?” Alison asked quietly.

“What…” Emily waited for her eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. “How did I get here?”

“You don’t remember?”

“I feel like I got hit by a bus.” Her head was throbbing. She was achy all over. And she was hot as hell.

“You have a fever.” Alison gently reminded her.

“That explains why I feel like I’m in a fucking furnace.” She looked around, still having trouble getting her bearings. She looked at the washcloth and the bowl of soup. The girl had coddled her after she’d bailed on her. “I…I fucked up, Ali. I’m sorry. I should have called you.”

“The important thing is that you’re here.” Alison tried to straighten her hair. “You were in trouble. You were in trouble and you came to me for help. It’s why I’m here.”

“You try so hard,” Emily mumbled. She laid her head back against the sofa. “You try, and I just…disappoint you. I disappoint you like I disappoint everyone…”

“Hey, you don’t…”

“I couldn’t protect them.” She looked down at Alison’s hand. It was just inches away from hers. She gently grazed her fingertips against Alison’s knuckles. “But I’ll protect you. I won’t ever let anyone hurt you like your mom and dad did. Never again. I promise I’ll protect you.”

“You don’t have to protect anyone, Em. You just need to rest now. Just rest.”

“Yeah.” She rubbed her eyes. “Yeah, okay.” She stood up.

She grabbed the edge of the sofa for support and turned towards the guest bedroom. Alison stood up next to her and softly took her hand.

“I think you should stay in my bedroom tonight.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“We’ll just sleep.” Alison assured her. “I promise.”

“It’s not that. It’s just…I thrash. And kick.”

“Emily, I have been sharing a bed with a 110 pound German Shepherd for the past 4 years. He has kicked me, scratched me, head-butted me, and stepped on my face. I’ll be fine.”

Instead of wasting her energy arguing she followed Alison to her room. She’d seen it in the daytime a few times, but the huge king-sized bed looked much more inviting in the dark.

Lupo leaped up on to the end of the bed and turned a few times before plopping down on the comforter.

Alison walked over to her bed and waved Emily over. Emily walked over to the opposite side just as Alison was pulling the comforter down. Alison climbed under the comforter and the covers. Emily moved the comforter down away from her body, but slid underneath the sheets.

They had the entire bed to spread out the way they wanted, yet their bodies naturally yearned to be close. There was very little room between them.

They faced one another. Emily stared at her. It had been a long time since she’d shared a bed with anyone, much less with someone she cared about this much. And she had only known her for a few weeks. She knew she was in the midst of a fever, but she quietly hoped this wasn’t a fever dream. Though, she would gladly trade her night terrors for a beautiful angel in bed any day.

_Is this real?_

Alison reached up and pressed the backs of her knuckles against Emily’s cheek. She still felt so hot. Alison wasn’t sure what else to do for her. She flipped her hand over and moved her thumb over the cut on the side of her head. She could only imagine what Emily had been through when she’d been away.

Emily could see the moonlight bouncing off of Alison’s eyes. She saw Alison’s gaze slowly drift away from her injuries until she was peering into her eyes.

“You came back,” Alison said quietly.

“I came back.” Emily nodded.

“I thought you were dead.” Her voice was strained.

“Almost.”

“What happened?”

“I was…” Emily closed her eyes and took a breath, “…it was stupid. I was stupid.” When she opened her eyes she assumed Alison would be looking away, but her blue eyes were still locked on hers. “I went back to the bar where those assholes harassed you…”

“They harassed you, too.”

“No, they _fought_ me. They _harassed_ you. What they did was way out of line.” She softly ghosted her fingers across Alison’s jaw, moving her hair away from her face. “No one should ever touch you without your consent, Ali.”

“I know that. Why do you think I slapped him?”

Emily smiled. Alison had looked so hot when she’d been wielding that pool cue as a weapon. If they hadn’t gotten thrown out of the bar she would have fucked her on the pool table.

“Why would you go back? Just for a stupid gun?”

“It’s not stupid.” Emily looked offended. “It’s a family heirloom.”

“Was it worth your life?”

“It’s one of the only things I have left of my dad’s side of the family.”

“Oh.” Alison felt like an asshole for assuming she’d done it without a reason.

“I got into it with some new bouncer there. And it fucked with my head.”

“Why? What did he do to you?” Alison asked furiously. She was ready to tear into _anyone_ who hurt Emily. The girl had been hurt enough in life.

“He didn’t do anything to me. It’s what I almost did to him.” She clenched her jaw. “I almost killed him.”

“But you didn’t.”

“I wanted to.”

“But you didn’t.” Alison reiterated.

Emily blinked and looked at Alison with a passive expression on her face.

“You know I’m fucked up, right?” And when she said it she looked so desolate, so _broken_. And it hurt Alison’s heart.

“No more-so than anyone else. No more-so than me.”

“You would never do the stupid shit that I do.”

“You’d be surprised what I’m capable of, especially when it comes to protecting the people I care for.” Alison replied with a cool tone.

“I don’t understand why you care about me. I really don’t.”

“I don’t understand why you can’t see that you’re worth caring about.”

Emily sighed. She wanted to look away, because staring into Alison’s eyes was becoming too real for her. She was terrified of her feelings. But she couldn’t tear her gaze away.

Alison could see her slowly letting her walls down. She wasn’t sure if the fever was a factor or if it was the fact that they were laying side by side in her bed. She wasn’t sure what Emily was feeling or why. But she could see that she was overwhelmed.

“Do you trust me?” Alison asked.

Emily blinked a few times with a blank look on her face. She wasn’t sure she even knew what trust was anymore, but she was sure that if she trusted anyone…it was Alison. She nodded.

“Close your eyes,” Alison said softly.

Emily blew out a breath through her nose and then slowly closed her eyes. She swallowed nervously. She thought for sure that Alison was going to kiss her.

Alison was looking at her lips, and she wanted to taste them again. But something Emily said had registered in her mind.

_“No one should ever touch you without your consent.”_

She felt awkward about making a move, especially when Emily was sick, because she wasn’t in her right mind. She knew that Emily would be receptive to the kiss. But that’s not what this was about. The blonde laid her palm against Emily’s cheek, cupping it delicately. She could tell it was hard for Emily to let go of control. She could tell there were terrible things in her mind.

“I know you feel like you’re in the dark. I can’t even imagine what you see. I know you feel lost without a light. But it’s there. I want you to visualize it. I want you to use it to face the shadows.”

“I can’t.” Emily could barely reply. Her mouth was so dry. Her tongue felt like sandpaper.

“It’s okay, Emily. You’re in a safe place.” She brushed her overheated cheek with her fingers. “I’m here. You’re not in the dark. You’re not alone. So whatever is holding you down, I want you to let it know _you_ have the power. I want you to slowly let it in, because _you_ have the control here.”

Emily’s jaw tensed. She could feel her heart pounding against her rib cage. She felt like she couldn’t breathe. The darkness felt like a heavy cloud poisoning the air, suffocating her.

“What do you see?” Alison asked.

Emily could see everything she feared and more. It’s why her night terrors were so horrible. She saw blood. She saw pain. And she saw the faces of those closest to her. And she saw _his_ face. The face of the one person she so desperately wanted to forget. He was staring at her, a malevolent look in his eyes. He existed only to cause pain. He existed to cause _her_ pain.

Alison could see Emily’s eyes flickering rapidly beneath her closed eyelids. Her body was shaking.

“Ali…” She took an unsteady breath and clenched her right hand into a fist.

“I want you to trust me.” Alison reached down with her free hand and took Emily’s hand in hers, forcing her to open her fist. She slipped her fingers in between Emily’s. “Trust that I’m here. Whatever you’re seeing, I’m here.”

Emily didn’t reply, but she squeezed Alison’s hand as she plummeted through the darkness. She held on to her and Alison could feel every ounce of emotion she had pouring out of her.

It was staggering.

“What’s it like?” Alison traced her thumb against the bruise on Emily’s cheek.

“What?”

“Your pain. What does it feel like?”

Normally, Emily would balk at the question and call it psychobabble, but something about Alison’s touch made her feel vulnerable. She swallowed hard.

“I feel like I’m being ripped apart. Constantly. Always. Like the universe shreds me into tiny little pieces and reconstructs me, but not all of the pieces go back in the right place.” Her voice broke. “And every time I’m torn to bits I feel the world…I feel it heavier than it was before. And it feels like even when I’m standing still…I’m moving.”

Alison saw her take a shaky breath. She thought she was going to open her eyes, but instead she shuddered and choked back a quiet noise before she continued,

“We learn about gravity when we’re little. The teachers talk about how we’re on a planet that is constantly in motion. I remember looking at the clouds when I was younger. I’d watch them float by and I realized that they weren’t the only things moving. The planet is what moves. And I felt it, and it scared the shit out of me. I dug my hands into the grass and clutched the ground. Because the planet is always moving. That’s what I feel like all the time. It hurts because I can feel it. And I feel like if I let go I’m going to fall off of the world.”

Alison could feel it. Emily painted it so exquisitely and painfully beautiful that she could feel her pain. It was haunting. It overwhelmed her senses.

She _felt_ Emily’s pain. And she had no idea how to make it go away. Her index finger grazed a scar underneath her hair line. Emily jumped, the memory of being cracked over the skull with a lamp flashing in her mind.

She jerked and she opened her eyes. Her breathing was harsh and uneven. She looked at Alison and tried to get her emotions under control.

“I’m still here,” Alison assured her.

“I don’t feel like I am.” The pain in her eyes made Alison feel like crying.

“You are.” Alison moved her thumb against Emily’s. She looked down at their joined hands. “I can feel you.”

Emily nodded, almost absentmindedly. Alison wanted to know so badly where her mind had gone…what she had seen. But she knew she couldn’t keep pushing her, not before she was ready. They’d taken huge strides these past few weeks. Emily had come to her, of all people, when she needed help. And she was slowly learning to trust her. Alison didn’t want to push her past the breaking point.

Emily sighed heavily and closed her eyes.

“Ali?” Emily asked quietly.

“Hmm?”

“I’m really tired. I think I want to go to sleep now.”

“You sleep, Em.” She ran her fingers through Emily’s hair. It was almost hypnotic. “Everything will be better in the morning.”

“You’ll still be here?”

“I’ll still be here.”

She saw Emily’s body physically relax. Emily realized she was safe. She hadn’t been safe in years. It was exhausting to her to be continuously looking over her shoulder. She didn’t feel the need to do that when she was alone with Alison.

As Emily laid in bed with her, half out of her mind…she thought about what kind of person Alison was. Despite what her parents had done to her…she still had empathy and she still cared. That was a rarity. She couldn’t fathom how anyone could hurt the blonde, much less her own flesh and blood.

She had found something in Alison that was worming its way into her heart. And she made a silent promise that night that she would do _anything_ to protect her. She would kill for her. She would die for her. She would never let anyone hurt her again.

* * *

**A/N:** _I know this one was hard hitting in a lot of ways. Transcribing Emily’s pain was a feat. Because pain is so different for everyone. And Alison’s backstory was just hard to tell, because I do realize that there are a lot of at risk LGBTQ teens out there who have unsupportive parents and a rocky home life. However, as always, I want people to be aware of the resources available. There is a hotline specifically for LGBTQ youth that is available 24/7 called “The Trevor Project”. (1)866-488-7386._


	7. Whirly Girly

* * *

**Chapter 7:**

**Whirly Girly**

The next few days were rocky. Fortunately, Emily started to improve with the antibiotics. Alison tried to get her to talk more about the situation at the bar, but Emily shut down.

It was frustrating, but Alison knew it was all a part of it. At the very least, Emily was still alive. She even took some initiative to live by going out to a dance club with Hanna and Mona to celebrate Mona’s release from the mental health facility. Alison had been worried about how Emily would do with the crowds and the noise, but Emily told her everything would be fine.

Emily walked up to the club with Alison by her side. She tried not to hover near Alison when they went out together, but when they were in a crowd of people it was just a natural reflex. Alison didn’t mind. She was actually more preoccupied with the fact that she was going out to party with people she was counseling. She was certain that it was some kind of breach in the code of ethics.

“This is a terrible idea.” Alison rustled around in her pocket for her ID as they neared the front door.

“Oh, relax.”

“It’s horribly unorthodox. It’s _unethical_.”

“You say all the time that we’re all just people, right?”

“Yeah, but…”

“You’re always on me about getting out there and living. You should practice what you preach.”

“I wasn’t even invited. I was your plus one.” She sounded like a petty high schooler, but she didn’t care.

Emily saw the frustrated look on her face. It made her smile. Over the course of the past few weeks she’d really started to pay attention to the little things about the blonde. She was adorable when she was mad.

“Mona said she just forgot. Don’t be so dramatic, Ali. Of course they want you here.”

Alison stopped when they got to the door. She handed the bouncer her driver’s license. He looked it over.

Emily looked around for the closest exit as they stepped forward. She made eye contact with the bouncer. She handed him her ID, hoping against hope he wouldn’t say anything. He looked the ID over carefully, scrutinizing the details. He stared at Emily’s picture and then looked at her.

_Don’t._ She begged in thought.

The bouncer smiled at her.

“Hey, happy birthday.”

_Shit._

“It’s your birthday?” Alison’s eyes lit up. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

_Didn’t feel like celebrating being born._

“Can we not make a whole thing of this? Tonight is about Mona.”

“We could make it a double celebration.” Alison was so very annoyingly thoughtful. She was very type A. It drove Emily mad sometimes. “We could at least get you a cake or something…”

Emily cringed. Birthdays only served as a reminder that her family was dead. Her brother wasn’t around anymore to shove cake in her face. Her sister wasn’t around to make her have a stupid birthday tea party. Her mom wasn’t around to bake her favorite cookies. Her dad wasn’t around to give her piggyback rides.

“I said drop it, Alison.” Emily grumbled gruffly.

Alison didn’t miss the expression on her face. Before she could reply they heard someone calling to them from across the dance floor.

“Emily!”

They looked over and saw Charles waving to them. He was in a pair of lowrider jeans and a pink and white crop top that Emily had given him.

“Hey, Dr. DiLaurentis!” He paraded across the dance floor, popping-and-locking his way through the party-goers.

He had glowsticks and glitter all over his body. He looked so happy and free. He’d come a long way with his therapy.

“Charles, we’ve talked about this. Just call me Ali. I’m not an actual doctor.”

“Not yet. But you will be.” Charles smiled.

“That top looks great on you, Charles.” Emily pointed out.

Emily had seen him slowly come to accept himself in their sessions. She wasn’t sure exactly how much Alison was helping her, but she knew for a fact that she was helping everyone else.

“Aw, thanks. Come dance with us.” Charles took Emily’s hand.

Emily jumped. She wasn’t fond of being touched. He realized he’d upset her, so he started to pull away. Emily brushed it off.

Emily and Alison followed him across the dance floor to where his date Andrew was waiting. Mona, Hanna, and Melissa were with him.

“Hey, you made it!” Mona was the first to break away from the crowd.

She was in a short black and red stripped skirt and a fiery red spaghetti strap shirt which left very little to the imagination. She looked happy and healthy. Emily was happy for her. Alison was beyond thrilled to see her doing so well.

“So that’s where you ran off to.” Andrew smiled at Charles and took his hand. “I haven’t seen you run like that since you heard there was a sale at Nordstrom.”

“Speaking of, I am holding you to that promise to take me shopping.” Mona looked Charles. “Doesn’t his top look _tres _fabulous?”

“Emily got it for me.”

“Ahh, GI Jane has got an eye for fashion. I knew it.” Mona teased her.

“Not at all.” Emily laughed. “He told me he wanted it. We literally looked it up in a catalogue.”

“Well, I have to thank you personally, because _I_ like taking it off of him.” Andrew smiled coyly.

Emily nearly choked on her laughter.

“Babe.” Charles shied away in embarrassment.

“Hey, I’m Andrew.” He introduced himself.

“Emily.” Emily waved.

“I’m Alison.”

“And now that we’ve all played the name game how about we get some fucking shots over here?” Hanna suggested.

Alison cringed. The alcohol was another reason she didn’t want to come. It destroyed her when she saw Emily throwing her health away.

Emily didn’t actively seek out alcohol, so Alison knew her dependence on it wasn’t solely because of addiction. She didn’t usually overindulge unless something triggered her. It was a coping habit more than anything.

They had been working on more positive coping mechanisms. Emily liked to swim, so Alison encouraged that. And she was passionate about drawing, so Alison had turned one of her extra bedrooms in her house into an art studio. She was doing her best to help Emily stay healthy.

Alison was so deep in thought that she didn’t even realize the others had walked away.

Emily touched her arm to try and draw her back into reality. It was hilarious to Emily that anyone could zone out in the middle of the club during a Beyonce number.

“I’m not going to go crazy.” Emily assured her. “You don’t have to worry.”

“I wasn’t worried.” Alison sputtered back with a nervous laugh.

Emily smiled.

_She’s so fucking adorable._

“You’re a terrible liar.” Emily took her hand. “Come on.”

“It’s just that you don’t have the greatest track record when it comes to alcohol and crowds.” Alison trailed along behind her. “Not to mention it’s bad for your liver…”

“Yes, well, seeing as how I have someone who refuses to let me die, I’m not terribly worried about death these days.” Except for the fact that it was the first thought on her mind when she got up every morning and the last thing she considered before going to sleep at night. “It’s my birthday and I’ll drink if I want to.”

“Don’t be a smartass about this. I can’t do anything to help you if you drink yourself into liver failure.”

“Exactly. We can’t control it.” Emily stopped moving.

Alison stopped right behind her. She looked at her in confusion. Why had they stopped in the middle of the dance floor? Emily took her other hand.

“There are things in the universe that we can’t reason with, things we can’t stop. Life is a balance of time and letting go.” Emily curled her fingers into Alison’s. “You need to accept that this is out of your control.”

“That’s bullshit.” Alison argued. “This is one thing you _can_ control.”

“Remember what I said about falling off of the face of the Earth? How I can’t let go?” She moved closer and her lips were close to Alison’s ear. “You’re holding on so tight that it makes it impossible for me to breathe sometimes.”

“I’m sorry I care.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“Oh, don’t sulk.” Emily pushed her lips out into a pout, mocking Alison. “Look around.” Emily motioned. “Am I at the fucking bar, or am I here…dancing with you?”

“You and I both know where the night is going to end up.”

“Have a little faith in me. Shut your annoying pesky little brain up…” Emily tapped Alison’s temple, “…and dance with me.”

Emily pulled Alison towards her. Alison didn’t resist her. She _couldn’t_ resist her. There was something so captivating about being in her orbit. They moved together for a few seconds, their bodies pressing together. Then Emily lifted Alison’s arm and spun her around. She wrapped her arms around Alison’s stomach. Alison could feel Emily’s pelvis against her as they grinded to the beat of the song.

She felt Emily resting her chin on her shoulder. She reached up and put her palm against Emily’s cheek. Her skin was hot and sweaty. Out of the corner of her eyes, Alison could see her cheeks glistening in the flashing color strobe lights.

Neither one of them saw the flash of the camera aimed at them from across the dance floor.

They danced together for a few songs, and then they joined the others at the bar. They’d found a spot that was close enough to the music so that they could still enjoy it, but far enough away from the speakers that they didn’t have to scream to talk to one another.

Melissa was chatting it up with some jock down at the end of the bar. The boys were dancing. Mona and Hanna were drinking cocktails. Mona heard a song she liked and ran out on to the dance floor.

Just as Alison and Emily were about to sit down Alison felt a vibration from her phone buzzing in her pocket. She pulled it out and tensed up when she saw the caller ID.

“Oh.” She looked at the screen. “Um…I’ve got to take this.”

“Booty call?” Emily smiled a cheeky smile at her. When Alison didn’t laugh Emily frowned. “Is everything okay?”

“It’s my brother.” She looked at the out-of-town area code and recognized the penitentiary’s number. “I’m going to try and find a place that’s a little quieter.”

“Hey…stay inside.” Emily didn’t like the idea of her walking outside by herself in the middle of the night.

Alison nodded as she picked up.

“Yes, I’ll accept the charges.”

She walked away from the noise. She heard her brother’s voice on the other end of the phone, but she couldn’t hear what he was saying. It made her nervous that he was calling at this time of night.

“Hold on, Jason. I can’t hear you.” As she walked towards the restrooms the music started to fade.

“Ali? You there?”

“Yeah. I’m here. Sorry. I’m out with some friends. What’s up? Is everything okay? Are you hurt? Did someone come at you with a weapon again?”

“No. No, it’s nothing like that,” Jason replied. “I talked to my lawyer today. Someone is calling the evidence into question.”

“But…but I thought the case was settled. The plea deal…”

“They can review a case any time they want. And if new things come to light they can request to look into it. They want to talk to me.”

“So…what does that mean? Do…do they know?”

“Doesn’t matter what they know. Only you and I know the truth. And it’s going to stay that way. If anyone asks, you stick to our story…”

Alison leaned against the wall, letting her head fall back against the cheap plaster.

Emily watched her from across the room. She could tell something was wrong, but she didn’t know what to do. She took a sip of the bourbon that she’d ordered.

Hanna downed a shot and then looked at Emily.

“You’re fucking her, right?” Hanna asked.

Emily nearly choked on her drink.

“What?”

_One time._

But Emily wasn’t sure what they were doing. What she had with Alison was beyond her comprehension. She’d never been vulnerable with anyone before. And they hadn’t had sex since the hospital.

“Hmm, interesting.” Hanna smirked. “Didn’t hear a ‘no’. So, what’s she like?”

“Excuse me?”

“In bed.”

Emily wanted to tell her that it wasn’t so much the sex that had opened her eyes to Alison. It was all the little moments they shared. It was about the times Alison had taken her hand and pulled her back from the brink of the darkness, even though Emily always bitched about it.

“You know, I always had this fantasy. That whole ‘doctor-patient’ thing,” Hanna said. “I’ve hit on her a few times. She’s brushed me away every time. She doesn’t get involved with her clientele like that. So you must have a magic fucking pussy.”

“Jesus Christ, Hanna. Would you shut up?”

“Oh, relax. You have nothing to be jealous of. I’ve got…other things happening.” She looked at Mona doing a wildly seductive dance on the dance floor. Hanna had her eyes trained on the petite little brunette. “I’m just saying, I recognize hot.”

“It’s not what you think.” Emily glanced at Alison again, making sure she was still okay.

There were far too many people in the club. Emily didn’t feel comfortable with Alison going off on her own.

She chugged another mouthful of her drink. She glanced at the clock. She was giving it two more minutes. Then she was going over there.

“She’s a really good person,” Hanna said.

“I know.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone look at me the way she looks at you,” she sighed.

Emily glanced at Hanna. She could still see Alison in her peripheral vision.

“You have Mona.”

“We’re just casual.” Hanna picked at the plate of untouched food in front of her. “We both know that right now it’s the best thing. We’re just having fun. Sometimes with each other. Sometimes with hot frat boys…” Her eyes drifted to the guy flirting with Melissa. She turned back and looked at Mona again. She started picking at her nails. “Besides, she’s better now. And I don’t want to screw up her progress.”

“We’re all works-in-progress, Hanna,” Emily said, glancing at the full plate of food in front of her. “You should eat something. You’ll get sick if you drink on an empty stomach.”

“The food here tastes like cigarette smoke and sweat. I’ll get something later.”

“Hanna…” Emily looked at her disapprovingly. “Eat a fucking French fry before I hold you down and force that entire tray of them in your mouth.”

Hanna glared at Emily. She grabbed a fry and then dipped it in ketchup. She shoved it in her mouth while maintaining eye contact with Emily. She chewed angrily.

“Happy?”

“Good.” Emily nodded. “Now do that a few more times.”

She glanced at Alison again.

It had been two minutes. She left Hanna to fight with her food and made her way over to where Alison was standing.

“I love you, too, Jase.”

Emily overheard her say goodbye to her brother before hanging up the phone.

“You good?” Emily asked.

“Huh?” Alison glanced at her. She had a deer-in-the-headlights look on her face. “Yeah. It’s just…lawyer stuff.”

“Good news?” Emily asked.

“I’m not sure yet.” Alison put her phone away.

She seemed visibly shaken, which upset Emily.

“Hey, you want to get out of here?” Emily asked.

“What?” Alison questioned, still distracted. “No. No, I came here to support Mona. She deserves it.”

“Mona is a half a cocktail away from taking her top off and flashing the place for some beads.” Emily motioned to Mona dragging Hanna across the dance floor.

“All the more reason to stay. She shouldn’t be drinking.”

“If it was up to you, no one would ever be able to drink.”

“It’s different with her, Emily.” Alison glared at her.

“Why? Because of her personality disorder?” Emily asked. “She’s not doing this every night. She’s been doing the program. She’s earned the right to have a little fun.”

“I know. It’s just that she’s been with the program for a very long time and I don’t want to see her slip.”

“She’s fine. She has Hanna looking out for her. And Charles.”

“And Melissa.” Alison realized she had a point.

“Melissa has some frat asshole balls deep in her right now.” Emily scoffed. She got a laugh out of Alison, which is what she’d been trying to accomplish. “You’ve created a support system here. You don’t always have to take care of everyone else.”

Alison looked at everyone having fun. And she realized she was being an uptight bitch. So she grabbed Emily’s hand and nodded.

“Let’s dance.”

They shared a few more dances and then Emily had to take a break to get some air. The club was getting too hot and too crowded. She went out to a terrace overlooking the city. She had no idea that someone was back in the club watching her from a window.

Once she caught her breath she went back inside. She was going to tell Alison that she was ready to bail, but she was bombarded with a loud barrage of the entire club singing “Happy Birthday”. One of the workers walked towards her with a cake.

“Ali…” Emily glared angrily at her.

“I might have told Mona it was your birthday.”

“I told you not to.” She grit her teeth.

Alison shrugged sheepishly.

Emily hated herself for not telling Alison _why_ she didn’t want the reminder that it was her birthday. She clutched her hands tightly. She looked at the tendons running down her knuckles.

She remembered a time when birthdays actually meant something to her.

Ethan loved her birthday more than she did. He seized any opportunity he could to paint her with food. Even when they were adults. At her last birthday the guys in the squad had serenaded her with a personalized version of “Happy Birthday”.

_“Happy birthday to you. Let’s get drunk enough to puke in the loo. You pound shots with the best of them. And your ass is bangin’, too.”_

Emily had been half annoyed, but half impressed that their little pea brains had come up with something that creative. Still, she’d given them hell.

_“You’re bitches. All of you.” _

_“We learned from the best. We bow to you, Your Bitchiness.” _

_“Eat me, Kahn.”_

_“Time and place, baby.” _

Ethan had come out of nowhere and smudged her face with cake covered in blue and white frosting. One of the guys commented on how it looked like a smurf had jacked off on her.

_“You’re disgusting. The whole lot of you.”_ Ethan had frowned before turning to his sister and hugging her. _“Happy birthday, smoosh-face!”_

_“You’re the worst big brother ever.”_

She would give anything to have another birthday with her brother shoving cake in her face. Seeing cake now just made her want to puke.

She pulled away from the crowd after the song was over. She listened to a few minutes of everyone around her wishing her a happy birthday. She felt like she was dying inside.

_He’s not here. And it’s your fault._

She wanted to storm out, but she knew that Alison would follow her. Instead, she just said she had to go to the bathroom. She walked past the bathroom and towards the exit, hoping no one had seen her.

She had every intention of leaving and finding a quiet place to cool off, but when she got to the door she couldn’t do it. She felt like she was abandoning the only people left in the world who cared about her.

She propped the door open and walked outside into an alley. It was just the moment’s peace that she needed. She could still hear the bustle of the club, but she could also hear the trees rustling in the wind.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a twisted up ball of saran wrap. She picked at the edges and unrolled the clear plastic until she got it open. She stared at the two tablets in her open palm.

She thought about taking them. She _wanted_ to take them. But what good would it do? She curled her fingers around the drugs and squeezed gently. She sighed and then wrapped them back up and shoved them back into her pocket.

She stayed outside, staring at the stars through the light pollution of the city. Even though they weren’t as pronounced as they were away from the bright lights, she could still feel a connection to the stars.

Sometimes when things got too hard for her when she was younger her brother would take her out to look at the night sky. And everything would feel okay again. It was the little moments she held on to.

She sighed and turned and walked back inside, closing the door behind her. She walked back down the hallway leading to the restrooms.

They had several individual rooms with open stalls. The first two doors were locked, but the third one was unlocked. When she opened the door she heard a thumping noise over the sound of the music.

“Hello?” But her voice was drowned out by the bass pumping through the thin walls.

There was no response. All she could hear was the loud beat and people laughing and yelling over the music.

She walked over to the sink and ran the cool tap water into her palms and then splashed her face. She patted it dry and then reached into her pocket and pulled out the tablets.

She heard the thumping noise again and she spun around towards the walls of the bathroom stall. She cautiously walked towards the sound. She walked over towards the open area. She heard a moan and then another thump.

She looked around the corner and saw Mona holding Hanna against the wall with her hand in Hanna’s pants. Hanna’s arm was wound around Mona’s ass cheek, her fingers underneath her skirt.

Emily accidentally dropped the pills. Hanna looked over Mona’s shoulder at Emily and saw her scrambling to pick the meds up.

As Emily was getting back to her feet she saw Hanna smile wickedly at her. Before she could back out of the room Hanna moved her hand out from underneath Mona’s skirt. She stuck her fingers in her mouth.

Emily knew she was doing it to piss her off, so she flipped Hanna off and then turned and walked away.

She looked for Alison and saw her dancing with Charles and Andrew. Emily waved to let her know she hadn’t gone AWOL. Then she made her way back to the bar and ordered a bourbon.

A few minutes later a disheveled Hanna came over and took the seat next to her. Hanna threaded her fingers through her hair and reached into her purse to grab her lipstick. She reapplied it and then faced Emily with a smile.

“What the fuck was that in there?” Emily lifted a brow at her.

“What?” Hanna sipped her drink. “You told me to eat.”

Emily laughed. A genuine laugh. It shocked her system in a lot of ways. She hadn’t felt that kind of raw joy in a long time. It was different than the kind of happiness that Alison made her feel.

“When I first saw you two I knew you were banging one another in the supply closet.”

“I’m offended.” Hanna scoffed. “It was the on-call room. Mona stole a keycard.”

Someone put a bourbon down in front of Emily, but she was too busy listening to Hanna that she wasn’t paying close enough attention to realize that it wasn’t the bartender.

Hanna put her lipstick away and then looked up at Emily again.

“Why don’t you like your birthday?”

“Who says I don’t?”

“Your face.” Hanna shrugged. “You ran off the first chance you could get. So, what is it? Burn yourself on a birthday candle or something?”

_Burned myself on life._

“Sure. Let’s go with that.” It was better than her answer. _Why celebrate life when you’re already dead?_

“So…” Hanna frowned. “You thinking about swallowing a bunch of pills again?”

_Shit. She saw._

Emily was surprised Hanna had caught that little detail while she was in the middle of having sex.

“That’s not what those were for.”

“Why do you have them?”

“It’s hard to explain.” Emily shuffled uncomfortably. “It’s like…kind of like a security blanket. I don’t need them. But I know they’re there.”

“What happens if you feel like you _do_ need them one day?”

“Two is hardly enough to cause a buzz. That’s why I only have two.”

“Does Ali know you have them?”

“No.” Emily reached for her drink. “She’d freak.”

“You should get rid of them.”

“They’re just there. They’re not hurting anyone.”

“They’re hurting _you_.” Hanna surprised Emily when she tenderly reached out and touched her arm with a sincere look on her face. “You don’t get to come in here and tell me to flip my eating disorder off and not expect me to repay the favor. We look out for one another. It’s what we do.” She glanced at Emily’s pocket. “Toss them.”

“Okay.”

_No chance in hell._

She was only telling Hanna what she knew she wanted to hear. She’d delivered her response convincingly, because Hanna smiled in victory.

Emily took a sip of her bourbon. It burned going down. The flavor was off. She made a face.

“Whiskey sour?” Hanna guessed.

“Bourbon,” she replied. “Tastes weird.” She glanced at the glass. “They probably watered it down.” She put the glass down and pushed it away.

“Wanna dance?” Hanna questioned.

“You smell like sex.” Emily teased her.

“Aw, thanks for noticing.” Hanna grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the dance floor.

Emily begrudgingly followed her. Hanna was a pain in the ass, but sometimes she made her loosen up. Hanna wildly danced around for a few minutes, her tempo changing every time the song changed. It made Emily laugh. Emily didn’t join in much, but she enjoyed the enthusiastic dancing her friend was showcasing.

After the fourth song change Emily started to feel weird. The flashing lights were starting to get to her. The music felt like it was in her veins, and she couldn’t get it out. The crowd suddenly looked like a terrifying ambush and the walls were closing in on her.

“Hanna.” Her voice was soft and lost in the noise.

She felt like she was going to puke. The room was spinning around her. She tried to say Hanna’s name again, but nothing came out. Her heart was fluttering out of control.

She thought she was having a panic attack, but it felt different. Her behavior finally garnered Hanna’s attention.

“Emily?”

“Ali…” Her head was pounding. She was dizzy. “Where’s…” She looked around. “I have to find her.”

She broke away from Hanna in a panic. She tore through the happy-go-lucky club-goers, who didn’t even notice her odd behavior, because they were all high on something…drugs, alcohol, music, life.

Someone grabbed her arm and when Emily looked up she saw a strange man staring at her. Her vision was fading in and out, and the flashing lights didn’t help. She was having a hard time focusing, but she saw a familiar menacing grin.

“Happy birthday.” He tightened his grip on her arm.

She heard the voice and she froze. She took a shaky breath. When the person’s face came into view she panicked.

“No!” She shoved him back and took a swing. She threw the punch so violently that it cut through the air, sending her spinning. She missed the mark, but she didn’t care. She stumbled away.

When she turned around he was gone. A young shirtless guy was twerking in the very spot she’d seen him.

_Am I high right now?_

She looked around at all of the cups floating around. And it suddenly registered.

_The bourbon._

She maneuvered her way through a bachelorette party and to the other side of the dance floor, desperately seeking the only person in the world she wanted to see right now. She didn’t see her, so she kept moving. She had to keep moving. Because if she’d really seen who she thought she’d seen…

_It’s not real._ She tried to calm herself down. _There’s no way._

She staggered through the hallway, trying to find the bathrooms again. She hoped Alison was behind one of the closed doors. She rapped on the first door and heard an angry voice call back that it was occupied. She heard a telltale gasp of someone having an orgasm seconds later.

_Where the fuck is she?_

She pushed open another door and stumbled inside. She walked over to the sink, hoping that splashing her face with cool water would help.

She stopped when she saw her reflection in the mirror. The room behind her looked like it was still spinning. She saw three versions of herself all staring back at her. And they all looked the same: broken.

_No._ Emily frowned at herself. _No._

She felt her legs giving out and she fell back against the wall. Her back slid down until her ass hit the floor. Her lungs felt like they were hardened lumps of coal. She couldn’t breathe.

Everything in her field of vision started to twist into a distorted lump of dark colors, swirling around her. She thought she was yelling for help, but no sound was coming out. She heard the faint sound of a door smacking against the wall.

“In here!” She saw someone with blonde hair moving towards her.

“Ali…” She breathed a sigh of relief. She could breathe again.

When the girl got closer she realized it wasn’t Alison.

“She’s coming, Em. I went to find her as soon as I lost you.” Hanna kneeled down in front of her.

She heard the sound of hurried footsteps. Alison practically bowled Hanna over to get to Emily.

“Emily?” She put her palms on Emily’s cheeks, trying to hold her head upright.

At first, she assumed it was a panic attack, but when she looked into Emily’s eyes she realized they were glazed over and she was barely cognizant.

“How much did she have to drink?” Alison faced Hanna.

“Not much. I don’t think she even…”

“She must have taken something.” Alison patted the sides of her jeans pockets.

“I didn’t…” Emily clutched her aching head in her hands. Why the hell was Alison constantly on her about drugs? “I didn’t take anything.”

“Bullshit you didn’t take anything. You can barely hold your head up.” She felt a lump in her pocket.

“Ali…” Hanna tried to get her attention.

But Alison was too focused on the drugs she’d just pulled out of Emily’s jeans. She saw a shade of red she’d never seen before. She was already in a pissy mood because of the phone call she’d gotten from her brother. Watching Emily trip out on a dirty bathroom floor sent her over the edge.

“Jesus, Emily. What the fuck is this?”

“That…that’s not…it’s not what it looks like.”

But Alison was too angry to listen. Emily didn’t blame her. She’d lied to her before. She was just glad that Alison was with her…that she wasn’t alone. She couldn’t express it, but she was glad.

“Ali, she…”

“I don’t understand. You do this shit and I just…” She was so angry she couldn’t think straight. Her eyes were burning with tears. “What are we even doing?” She’d thought that somewhere deep inside that Emily _wanted_ to be helped. Maybe she was wrong. “Am I just wasting my time on you?”

“Ali!” Hanna exclaimed, finally getting her attention.

“What?” Alison snapped her head over and growled at her.

“She’s telling the truth. She said something about her drink tasting weird. I didn’t think anything of it, but…I mean, she’s been with me practically the whole night. There’s no way she took anything.”

Alison felt a wave of guilt rush over her. She’d been too harsh with her. She’d thought the worst of her. She was the one person who was supposed to believe in her and she’d let her down. She gripped Emily’s cheeks and forced her to look into her eyes.

“Tell me you didn’t take anything.” _Tell me and I’ll believe you._

“I didn’t take anything.” Emily held her gaze. “The…the pills…I just keep them to make me feel better. I wasn’t going to take them.”

“I believe you.” Alison gently rubbed her thumb against Emily’s jaw line.

How could she have jumped to the worst possible conclusion? She’d seen how hard Emily had been working. Emily had been reaching out to everyone in therapy. She’d been drawing and swimming to try and channel her emotions. She’d been actively _trying_.

It simultaneously gave Alison hope _and_ ripped it away. Because she had hope for Emily, but she also had that nagging feeling in the back of her head that the brunette would slip up. Everyone eventually did. And she worried about that day coming for Emily.

“It was the bourbon. It had to be,” Hanna said. “Someone drugged her.”

Alison glanced at Hanna in disbelief.

“Who would do that?”

“I don’t know.”

“How much did she have?”

“Just one sip.”

“Lucky it wasn’t the whole drink.”

“It’s my fault.” Hanna bit her lip. “I should have realized it after she mentioned the weird taste…”

“It’s not your fault.” Emily mumbled.

“She’s right.” Alison agreed. Her face was flushed in anger. “There is some asshole in this club who is drugging people.” She looked at Emily. She hadn’t seen her this helpless since the night of her suicide attempt. And it made her irate. Because she shuddered to think about what could have happened if they hadn’t found her before she passed out. “I’m going to find whoever is responsible and kill them.”

Before she could rush off in a huff, Emily reached out and gently grabbed her wrist.

“We should go,” Emily said with a frown. She didn’t want Alison to get dragged into her mess.

“We can’t just let whoever this is get away with this!”

She was infuriated. And she was ready for a fight. Because someone had messed with Emily. And that was a crime punishable by a barstool over the head.

“Would you just listen to me?” Emily grumbled. “Let’s just go.” She squeezed her eyes shut. Her head felt like it was on fire. “If I stay I’m going to do something I regret.”

“She’s right. You should probably get her home.” Hanna agreed.

_Home?_ Emily thought to herself. What did that word even mean?

“I’ll get Mona and the others. And we’ll tell everyone what’s going on. The people running this place will know to be on the lookout.”

Alison looked at Emily and then at Hanna.

“Okay. But you all stay together. And call me when you get home,” Alison said.

Hanna nodded in agreement. Emily was doing her best to get to her feet, but her lower body still felt numb. She grabbed the edge of the sink, but nearly slipped. Alison and Hanna helped her get steady.

Alison pulled Emily’s arm around her shoulders to help her keep her balance. She could feel Emily’s hot sweaty muscles against the back of her neck. It turned her on, which she immediately felt guilt for. What did it say about her that she was getting hot and bothered while Emily was drugged up?

“This is what…the third time you’ve hauled my ass off of the ground?” Emily asked. “You’ve got a real hero complex.”

“You have a real jackass complex.”

“Kicking me while I’m down. Real nice.”

“I’m learning to speak your language.”

Hanna went off to find the others while Alison and Emily made their way out of the club. No one really looked twice at them, because almost everyone in the place was hammered.

When they got outside Emily felt a rush of cool air. She was slowly starting to get some of her senses back. She stared at her feet. It felt like they were dragging, but when she looked down she saw them moving normally.

“I think I’m okay to walk on my own now.” Emily slowly started to pull away.

She’d learned to let people help her on the battlefield. Letting people help her off of it was a little bit harder.

“Good. The car is right here.” Alison motioned.

Emily looked up from the pavement. She glanced back over her shoulder and saw the club in the distance. She didn’t realize they’d walked so far.

“Oh.”

Alison pulled her keys out and unlocked it. Emily climbed in the passenger’s seat and Alison walked around and opened the driver’s side door.

When she sat down behind the steering wheel she looked over at Emily. Her eyes were closed.

She crashed on the way back to Alison’s house. Alison kept glancing over, wondering what would have happened had Hanna not found her in the bathroom. Had someone been watching her and waiting for those drugs to kick in? Alison racked her brain trying to remember if she saw anyone acting strange or looming around them.

But she wouldn’t have seen him even if she was looking.

He’d been very careful to stay out of Emily’s line of sight, because he knew her. He knew she would be looking over her shoulder.

He’d seen her disappear into a crowd of people and then he’d lost track of her, which was a shame, because he’d almost had her in his grasp.

After he’d gotten the phone call from his buddy he couldn’t believe it. He was certain she’d died overseas. He had to see for himself.

Emily had done a very good job at eluding him. The mistake she’d made was coming back. He knew that she knew everything. She was the one person who could destroy him. He also knew that he could do the same to her. In every way.

Alison had no idea the secrets that were bubbling beneath the surface. She just knew that Emily had been hurt in her past. The pain had shattered the brunette, leaving shards of her life scattered around her. Sharp and jagged little memories that blew around Emily like the wind, cutting into her, slicing her open without warning.

Alison had seen it hundreds of times before in other people. Hell, she’d _experienced_ it. But it was nothing like what Emily saw in her nightmares. Emily’s pain was palpable. Alison had watched it flow out of her the night she had the fever. And the worst part was, Alison had no clue how to fix it.

The drive was fairly quiet. Alison kept the air running even though it was cool outside, because Emily was sweating profusely. A side effect of whatever drug was in her system, undoubtedly. Every so often she’d hear Emily shift in her seat. At one point Alison thought Emily was awake, but she was just mumbling in her sleep.

Emily opened her eyes just as they were pulling into the driveway. It was as if she’d been able to sense where they were.

She also had a sense of what was coming next. She could see the disappointment in Alison’s eyes.

They walked inside. Lupo ran up to greet them at the front door, carrying his toy monkey. Alison patted his head and tossed his toy. He pounced on it. Alison shut the door behind them as they walked into the house.

Emily tried to sneak off. She’d barely gotten into the living room before Alison addressed the elephant in the room.

“Why do you have those drugs?”

Emily closed her eyes and took a breath. She flexed her fingers and then sighed. She turned around to face Alison.

“Ali…”

“No. Don’t ‘Ali’ me. I thought we had complete honesty here.” Alison walked over towards her.

_Here we go._ Emily could see her nostrils flaring in anger.

“See…this is exactly why I didn’t tell you. I _knew_ you’d freak out.”

“What am I supposed to think? I mean, you run off for days at a time. You’re getting in fights and talking about guns. You’re carrying drugs around…” Alison threw her hands up in exasperation.

“What do you want me to say?” Emily asked. “That I think about sticking a gun in my mouth every second of the day?”

“You don’t have to say it. Your actions tell me everything I need to know.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t analyze me.” Emily was offended. “You don’t get to just push yourself into my life and pick and choose when you’re just my therapist and when you’re more.”

Alison peered at her in confusion.

“I don’t…”

“You do. I wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

“That is such bullshit. I saved your life. I’ve risked everything for you.”

“You destroyed me!” Emily raised her voice. She let out an annoyed breath, her voice trembling. “You made me care. You…you make me feel…” She grimaced, “…you made me feel _everything_.” After years of suppression she was dealing with everything she’d buried. And opening up her past was agonizing. “You know I went looking for you? After I realized what was happening…all I wanted to do was find you.”

Alison clenched her jaw and tried not to cry. When Emily was scared she’d sought her out.

“You were the only person I could think of who I trusted enough to help me…to believe the best in me. Because that’s what you do. I thought if I could just find you…I thought everything would be okay.” She sighed and lowered her head. “But it’s not. Because I’m just as fucked up as I ever was. If you don’t believe I can change, why should I?”

“I _do_ believe you can change.” Alison reached up and pushed some of Emily’s hair behind her ear.

“You didn’t tonight.” Emily looked into her eyes. She looked weary and beaten, and it broke Alison’s heart. “And I don’t blame you. I would have thought the same thing.”

“Emily, people slip up. I just thought…”

“I know what you thought.” Emily smiled sadly. “It’s fine.”

She swallowed hard, because having Alison so close was hard. Every time she saw the intimacy in her eyes she wanted to kiss her. She wanted to pin her against the wall and _feel_ her. She wanted to taste her. She wanted to hear her cries of pleasure while she peaked.

“I’m going to take a shower and then go to bed.” Emily pulled back.

Alison nodded. She walked into the kitchen, her dog trailing behind her. She filled up his bowl with food and then sat down at the kitchen table, exhausted from the evening’s events. She heard the water turn on and she glanced towards the noise.

Lupo stopped nibbling on his food. He picked at it for a few seconds, but then stopped eating and walked over to her. He could sense her tension. He laid his head against her lap and made a groaning noise. She stroked his head.

The shower wasn’t on for very long. It never was. Emily had once explained to her that she’d gotten used to showering quickly in the army. Alison told her that she was free to indulge in a nice long shower if she wanted, but Emily had yet to take advantage of that offer.

Alison loved on her dog for a few more minutes and then went to clean up and get changed into something for bed. She ran a comb through her hair and stared at herself in her vanity. Lupo watched from her bed, his head in between his paws.

She heard her phone go off. She reached into her purse and grabbed it.

_“Everyone got home safe. Told security about Em being drugged. They’re going to keep an eye out.”_

_“Thanks. Glad you’re all okay.”_

_“How is she?” _

That was a loaded question. Alison wasn’t sure how to answer. After a few minutes she replied,

_“She’s Emily.” _

_“Bitching and moaning again, huh? You two are like an old married couple.” _

_“Goodnight, Hanna.” _

She put her phone up and then walked out of her room. She wanted to check on Emily before she went to sleep.

She wasn’t surprised to find the guest bedroom door closed. She knocked lightly, hoping that she wasn’t waking her.

“Yeah?” She heard a quiet reply through the door.

“Do you mind if I come in?” Alison cracked the door.

“It’s your house.” Emily was sitting up in the bed with a sketchpad. Sometimes drawing helped steady her mood.

“How are you feeling?” Alison walked over towards her.

“I’m fine. You should know by now that nothing is going to kill me. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

“That’s not funny.”

“It’s situational humor,” Emily said apathetically. “Funny to me. I’ve done much worse to myself.” She rubbed her right eye. “I’ve got a hell of a headache, but I’ll live.”

Alison chewed on her lip. She sat down against the edge of the bed. Emily moved over to give her more room.

“I’m sorry I didn’t give you the benefit of the doubt.” Alison sighed, putting her hand on top of Emily’s.

Emily didn’t react. She glanced at Alison’s hand. It occurred to her that she’d gotten so used to her touch that she didn’t jerk away from her anymore. She felt a weird palpitation in her chest.

“It’s not like I’ve earned it.” Emily felt a knot in her throat. “Everything you said tonight was true.”

“You were right, too. I have no right to patronize you. This is a learning curve for me.”

“I know you’re just trying to look out for me. I need to learn not to take it so personally.”

Alison smiled timidly at her. Emily could see that she was swimming in a sea of emotions. And she knew it was about more than just what had happened at the club.

“You got pretty upset.” Emily pointed out. “You don’t usually lose it like that.”

“I freaked out when I thought you were OD’ing again.”

“No, it’s more than that. You were jumpy before that.” She gently flipped her hand over so that her palm met Alison’s. Their fingers naturally laced together. “What was that call from your brother about?”

“It’s not important. This is about you.”

“Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?”

“Deflect any time you want to change the subject. I’m not the center of the universe, you know. I know you have shit going on in your life, too.”

“Emily, you were _drugged_ tonight. This is not the right time to talk about my petty problems.”

“They’re not petty, Ali. You’re clearly dealing with a lot. I’m not so wrapped up in my own pain that I’m completely oblivious to yours.”

“Just let it go.” Alison pulled her hand away. She was uncomfortable talking about it.

“Fine. Forget it. Far be it from me to actually give a shit.”

“Emily…” Alison sighed. She gently touched her arm. “I know you care. It’s just…”

“No, I get it.” Emily averted her gaze. “You don’t trust me. Why should you? I don’t even trust myself.”

“Hey…” Alison reached over and gently grazed Emily’s cheek with her palm. Emily slowly looked up at her. She couldn’t ignore the blonde when she was touching her. “I trust you. I do.”

Emily licked her lips nervously. She wasn’t sure how to respond. Alison lowered her hand and glanced at the sketchpad in Emily’s hands. She caught a glimpse of what she was drawing.

Emily tilted it so she could see. It was a portrait of the Serenity Garden at the hospital. She’d drawn the silhouettes of several participants, but the attention was pulled away from them and focused on a beautiful woman in the center of it all. It took Alison a few seconds to register that it was her.

It was more lifelike than any photograph that Alison had ever seen. The vibrance and the tone were beautiful. Emily had captured emotion that a camera simply couldn’t.

“It’s not done.” Emily glanced down at it.

Alison leaned over to get a closer look.

“It’s beautiful.” Alison traced her index finger along the outer ridges of the sketch. “You have a really unique eye.”

Emily slowly faced Alison again. Their lips were just a few inches apart. Alison peered at her. Emily marveled at the crystal colored flecks in her eyes. Her eyes were so outrageously blue. And there was so much emotion behind them. Emily reached up with her free hand and cupped her cheek, and before she had a chance to think about it, her lips were on Alison’s.

The kiss was brief, but packed with a sentimental undertone. Emily quickly pulled away. Alison was surprised, but Emily couldn’t tell if it was because of the kiss or because she’d pulled away.

“I…I’m sorry.” Emily dropped her hand. _Fuck. I fucked it up._

Alison was still trying to recover from the rush of emotions. She didn’t know what to say, so she just smiled at her.

“It’s fine.”

“It’s been a weird night.” Emily admitted. She started wringing her hands together nervously. “I…um…I shouldn’t have…”

“Emily…” Alison brushed her cheek with a comforting touch. “It’s fine.”

Emily nodded, feeling a little more at ease. She wanted more. She wanted to feel Alison like she’d felt her that day in the hospital. But she was terrified of the feelings she was experiencing. She was terrified of anything good in her life, because nothing good ever lasted. And she knew it would be wrong to string Alison along. Because she knew it wasn’t going to end well. She was a fucked up road paved to heartbreak.

Emily closed her sketchpad and put it on the nightstand next to her bed and then faced Alison again.

“Thank you,” she said. “For being there tonight.”

“I just wish we could have caught the person responsible. Maybe we should go back tomorrow. Maybe they have cameras.”

Emily shuddered when she thought about going back. She thought of his face and she cringed. Alison didn’t miss her reaction.

“Did something else happen out there?”

“Yeah,” Emily said without skipping a beat. “I caught Hanna and Mona going at it in the bathroom. Want me to describe Hanna’s O-face for you?”

Alison fell back on to the bed in laughter.

“You’re terrible.” She smacked Emily playfully.

_I am. I really am. You have no idea…_ Emily thought to herself.

Alison slid down against the bed, letting her head hit the pillow. She rolled her head to the side and smiled up at Emily.

_She has no idea what she does to me… _Emily was looking at her with a quiet thirst in her eyes.

“Ali…”

Before Emily could finish, Alison reached up to touch her face. She lifted herself just enough to meet her for another kiss. She pulled back with a smile and moved back down against the bed, beckoning Emily to follow.

Emily leaned over her, moving down to kiss her again. She laid her palm against the side of Alison’s neck. Their lips moved together in tandem. Emily could taste every bit of her, and it made her hungry for more. She felt Alison mewl into her mouth and she groaned.

She moved her other hand against Alison’s hip, slowly moving it up underneath her shirt. Her skin was warm and soft. She smelled like vanilla. _Fucking vanilla_. Who smelled like vanilla?

Alison gripped the back of Emily’s neck, trying to pull her down on top of her. The palm of her other hand grazed Emily’s side. Her fingertips trailed across her abs. She rubbed her index finger against one of Emily’s scars and she felt her tense up.

Had that been where she’d been stabbed? Or shot? Or had something worse happened to her before she went to war? There was so much Alison was still learning about her.

Emily laid her weight against Alison and gently moved her thigh in between Alison’s legs. Alison grunted when she felt the pressure against her core. She bit down on Emily’s lip and started moving against her, trying to get the friction she needed between them.

Her panties were soaked, and she knew that Emily could feel it. Alison couldn’t help herself around the brunette. Emily spoke to every part of her soul. She was dangerous…but safe. She was demanding, but soft. It was a combination that drove her wild.

She felt herself getting lightheaded. Her stomach tightened and she broke their kiss and let out a shaky exhale of satisfaction. She smiled at Emily as their lips hovered, centimeters apart. Emily was trembling.

Alison closed the space between them and pressed her mouth against Emily’s again as she knitted her fingers through Emily’s hair.

“Just feel me, Em,” she muttered against her lips. “Be here with me.”

Emily relaxed, trying to let her walls down. She felt Alison’s fingertips against her side. The blonde’s touch left an electric aftershock in its wake. Emily could feel herself getting hot, the blood in her veins like lava. She forced herself to pull away. She leaned back. Alison was smiling at her, her cheeks flushed. Emily marveled at her beauty.

_Her dimples are the cutest damn thing. Why does she have to be so beautiful?_

Emily laid back against the mattress. She stared at the ceiling for a few seconds, feeling awkward. Because her hormones were telling her to kiss her again. She wanted to hold her and touch her and make her scream her name. But her heart was telling her to slow down, to appreciate her time while she was still alive. Alison made her feel things. She _wanted_ to feel them.

But she didn’t know how. She’d never learned how to love.

Emily moved her arm until her fingers brushed against Alison’s. She tested her response by gently touching her fingertips. She looked over at the blonde when she realized she wasn’t pulling away.

_This is a terrible idea. This is so fucking dumb…_

But her brain cut off the second she felt Alison take her hand and clasp her fingers. Alison reached up with her free hand and traced the outline of the tattoo on her arm. She rolled her fingertip over the army insignia.

Now that she’d seen Emily’s artwork she was silently wondering if Emily designed her tattoos. She moved Emily’s hand up to her lips and pressed a kiss against her knuckles.

Emily didn’t say anything. She was still staring at the ceiling. Alison could feel her mentally pulling away.

“What are you feeling right now?” Alison asked softly.

Emily shuddered.

“Everything.” And it hurt. It hurt in the worst way.

“It’s okay to let it in.” Alison stroked her cheek.

Emily took a shaky breath, her eyes still fixed on the ceiling. She couldn’t look at Alison for some reason. And Alison understood that. Emily felt her eyes burning with tears. A droplet rolled down her jaw line and landed on her pillow.

They laid there for a while, neither one of them speaking. Alison just let her feel what she needed to feel.

After nearly an hour Emily heard Alison softly snoring. She looked over and realized she was out cold. She gently pulled her hand away and moved out of the bed.

She pulled the covers up around Alison and took a moment to admire how peaceful she looked when she was sleeping. She kissed her forehead. The blonde smiled subtly in her sleep.

She quietly walked out of the room. Lupo was sleeping on the couch. He looked up at her when he realized she was heading towards the door. He hopped down and walked over to her, not wanting her to go. She assured the dog she wasn’t leaving. She just needed to get some air.

When she got out on to the front porch she thought long and hard about a lot of things. She wanted to run. It’s what she did. She was considering leaving. She wasn’t sure what to do anymore. Everything was so complicated.

It was easier before she let herself feel.

She rubbed her arm, looking for even the slightest indication of a bruise to prove someone had really grabbed her tonight. She didn’t see anything.

She knew it was probably just some asshole trolling the clubs with a date rape drug. She knew it was probably just her imagination. But even if she hadn’t seen him in that club tonight, the threat of potentially running into him again should have been more than enough incentive for her to disappear forever.

The only problem was…she couldn’t leave Alison. What if something happened to the blonde because of _her_?

Before she met Alison she had no reason to stay. Now…she had found the only reason in the world she _couldn’t_ leave. She couldn’t bear to think of what leaving would to do Alison. So she knew there was only one thing she could do…one thing she was _programmed_ to do. Fight. For her sanity. For her girl. For their lives.

* * *

**A/N:** _Everyone still hanging in there? I know I say it over and over (thanks to my obsessive inner critic), but I worry about the dark content like a neurotic Jewish mother. The dynamic between Emison in this fic is extremely different, and the demons they’re both fighting are rough. On top of that I worry about the characterization of my other characters. Being that it’s AU I’ve taken sooo many liberties. Hanna, at the very least…still maintains her Hanna-ness. I hope._

_Also, just a quick FYI, I’ve had some shit go down in my life and I’m about to be living in my car, as the house I’m living in is being sold and I’ve only been able to find part time work. And while I can appreciate the “starving artist” concept I’d kinda not like to play it in real life. So I’ve swallowed my pride and created a Ko-fi account so people who enjoy my work can send me tips if they feel so inclined. ko-fi(/)ellakay. It’s also on my profile. *panhandling over*_


	8. The Deep End

**A/N: ** _Take a deep breath before this one. There is a lot of triggering material in it. This chapter is a little longer than the previous chapters. There was some material I didn’t want to rush._

* * *

**Chapter 8: **

**The Deep End**

Visiting her brother always put Alison on edge. Not because she didn’t love him, but because she felt responsible for the way things had ended up for him.

Aria had gone with her to visit him. Spencer had come, too, for legal purposes. She wanted to talk to Jason about the court appointed lawyer he’d been given.

Alison thought about asking Emily to come with her, but she was worried that it might be crossing the line. She knew that Emily would come to support her, and Alison didn’t think that was the best idea. She wanted to try and keep Emily out of her drama. Plus she knew that Emily had an appointment at the doctor to get her liver and kidney values checked. And Emily was always edgy when she came home from her doctor’s appointments.

The visitation area was tiny. Alison felt crammed in with Spencer and Aria both there, but at the same time she was glad she wasn’t alone.

She’d been in her head about Emily ever since their encounter after the disastrous night at the club two nights ago. That kiss had sparked something in both of them. She could tell Emily wanted more, and _she_ wanted more. But she also knew Emily was vulnerable. They were taking it slow.

She wanted more than anything to be with the brunette instead of packed into a tiny stuffy room that smelled like piss. She hated that her brother was stuck behind bars. But she also knew there was nothing she could do about it. He wouldn’t _let_ her do anything about it.

“Are the shackles really necessary?” Aria frowned at the officer who’d walked Jason in.

“It’s protocol, ma’am.” He locked Jason’s feet in place and then walked towards the door.

“I am _not_ a ma’am.” Aria’s eyes burned with a fiery gaze. “I am 26 years old, thank you very much.”

“Ease up, Mother of Dragons. No need to burn Westeros to the ground.” Spencer tried to rein her in.

“No one understands your nerdy references, Spencer.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“It’s good to see you all, too,” Jason said sarcastically.

“How are you doing?” Alison started to reach across the table to touch his hand, but he pulled it away and shook his head.

The cop was watching from outside and they didn’t allow physical contact, which sucked, because Alison could really use a hug from her big brother.

“I hate this place.” Alison sighed.

“It’s not so bad, Ali.” He was lying. Alison knew he was lying and it just made her feel worse. “I’ve got structure here. Three hots and a cot. Just like old times overseas.”

“Complete with maniac terrorists trying to kill you.”

“No worse than the action I saw over there.”

“We can see about getting you transferred if you’re having problems with the other inmates.” Spencer suggested.

“No guarantee I’ll end up anywhere better. Besides, who knows what’s going to happen now that they’re looking at my file again?”

“I don’t understand how they can do this. Isn’t double jeopardy a thing? Didn’t they make a movie out of it?” Alison grumbled.

“That doesn’t apply here…because double jeopardy is something that prohibits someone from being prosecuted twice for the same crime. They’re not looking at trying him again. They’re looking at something else.” Spencer explained. She faced Jason. “I want to know what, if anything, you’ve told your legal team.”

“I told them to fuck off. I don’t want them bringing up old shit.”

“Why do they feel the need to?” Spencer asked.

“I have no idea. I’m guilty. I’m admitting to that. It’s why I’m here.”

“Maybe they’re trying to find a way to tie you to another crime.” Spencer wrote something down in her notepad. She was too busy scrawling to notice Alison’s reaction.

“They can’t do that, can they?” Alison asked.

“They can look all they want. There are no other crimes.” Jason wasn’t intimidated.

“We’re talking about the system.” Alison argued. “You know it’s corrupt. I will not have them trying to corner you.”

“Ali, calm down.” Aria put her palm on the blonde’s shoulder.

The visit only got worse from there. Alison gritted her teeth as she listened to Spencer grill her brother.

After a while, Alison had to excuse herself. She said she needed to get some water, but the way she flew out of the room told her friends otherwise.

Spencer went after her. Jason stared at the door helplessly. All he’d ever wanted to do was protect his little sister. But he couldn’t because he was chained to the goddamned table.

“Maybe you should go after her. Spencer doesn’t have the best sensitivity chip…”

“Spencer doesn’t have a sensitivity chip at all.” Aria scoffed. “But she knows how to speak Alison-ese, trust me.”

“How is she doing?”

“You know your sister.” Aria smiled weakly.

“So…avoiding every possible feeling she possibly can while trying to work on other people’s problems?”

“Bingo.”

“It was hard for her. Seeing all that happen and then me being hauled off to prison…it was a lot for her to process.”

“I still think it’s bullshit they locked you up. You had two stab wounds. It was self-defense.”

“Too bad you weren’t my attorney.” Jason laughed.

“I would _not_ do well in a courtroom. I’d last all of two minutes before threatening to kill the opposing counsel and then I’d end up behind bars myself.”

“You and Ali were cut from the same cloth when it comes to protecting your loved ones. It’s why you’re both doing that goody-two-shoes hotline.” He chuckled. His smile turned into a genuine look of approval. “Seriously though, I’m proud of you two. You guys are making a difference. It’s more than most people. And I know it gives Alison something to occupy her time. She staying busy?”

Aria’s mind immediately went to Emily. She wasn’t sure how much to tell Jason. She wasn’t sure how much Alison had told him.

“Yeah, actually.” She hesitated before adding. “She met this girl. She’s a vet, like you. Ali has been working with her, helping her readjust to being back home. They’ve been spending a decent amount of time together.”

Jason prickled up at the thought of it, but only because he knew exactly where the girl’s head was at if she’d just gotten home from a war zone.

“How bad are her outbursts? Are they anything like mine?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. I know everyone is different.” She cringed when she thought of seeing Jason at his lowest. “From what Alison has told me, she has nightmares and panic attacks. And she doesn’t like to be touched.”

That caught Jason’s attention.

“And how would Alison know that?” He asked. Aria didn’t get a chance to reply before he’d put it all together. “She’s sleeping with her, isn’t she?”

“No.” Aria fibbed, though it wasn’t technically a lie. Alison had only slept with Emily once. “No, it’s not like that at all. I think she just feels comfortable talking to Alison because they found this…connection…” Aria tried to tiptoe around the fact that Emily was living with his sister. “And Alison feels like she’s meant to help her, because…well…”

“Because of me. Because she couldn’t help me. And she sees someone like me who is in trouble.” Jason sighed.

“There’s more to it.”

“Is she nice?”

“Seems to be. I’ve only talked to her a few times in passing. But she cares about your sister. And Ali cares about her.”

“I assume you’re keeping a close eye on the situation, making sure she’s not getting in over her head?”

“Always.”

She had been watching them from afar. She knew that Emily was struggling with something in her past, and she knew that Emily had a habit of pulling away when she felt overwhelmed. She knew that Alison was helping her with her panic attacks and her PTSD. Alison had been helping her channel her pain into healthy outlets.

Aria had also seen the way Emily was with Alison. She was softer around her. She seemed to know her limits. She was careful. Her protective nature kept her at just the right distance to be there for Alison without putting her in danger.

“Your sister will be fine.” Aria assured him.

“Yeah. I know. She’s got you by her side.” He looked like he wanted to reach out and touch her hand, but the chains kept him from doing so. “You’re taking care of yourself, too, right?”

“I am.”

“How’s Ellie?”

“Good.” Aria smiled. “She’s good.” She reached into her pocket. “They wouldn’t let me bring my phone in, so the only picture I have of her is this one my mom took of her playing with bubbles. She _loves_ bubbles.”

“She’s adorable. She looks just like you.”

“Holden says the same thing. Every night when he reads her a bedtime story and sings her nursery rhymes they point to their noses and he tells her she got my little button nose and that she’s lucky that she didn’t get her daddy’s big honker. She laughs every time.”

“I always did like him. He’s a decent guy.” He looked at Aria. “He treats you right, doesn’t he?”

“Very much so.”

“Good. I’d kick his ass otherwise…” He glanced at his shackles, “…or send someone else to do it. I want nothing but the best for you. You’ve been there for us even when we didn’t deserve it. Your little girl has a great mom.” Jason smiled. “And a great name. Little Ellie belly.”

“We were worried about the name at first. I remember hearing a story my sophomore year in college about a little girl named Ellie a few towns over who met a tragic end.” She shuddered thinking about it. She didn’t realize it yet, but that story was connected to her best friend now. That story was Emily’s past. “It really stayed with me. And I was afraid that every time I looked at my daughter I would think about it. But I don’t see anything other than my love for her when I see her little face.”

“I mean, how can you not? Look at those little dimples.” He stared at the picture of the toddler.

Aria looked at Alison’s big brother. He was in prison for murder, but he was one of the softest people she knew. It didn’t make any sense. She looked around the bare dank room. She stared at the shackles on his limbs.

Jason looked up and saw the pensive expression on her face.

“Jason, how did it end up like this?” Aria sighed.

He slid the picture of Ellie back over to Aria.

“It doesn’t really matter. We can’t change anything.” He had a hesitant look on his face. “I’m where I belong, Aria.” His face was hard, but his eyes were still as soft as they’d been when he was a little boy. “And I’m going to be here until I die. So do what you’ve always done best. Go boss my sister around. And hug your baby girl tight. And give her a kiss from her Uncle Jason.”

Aria nodded. She said her goodbyes and then went to check on her friends.

Surprisingly, Spencer had calmed Alison down. Alison asked to talk to her brother alone for a little while, so Spencer and Aria sat in the waiting area.

Alison cried when she had to leave him. Fortunately, he was allowed physical contact when they were saying goodbye. She hugged him and told him she loved him. He told her not to worry.

She was in a bad mood on the drive home. After she dropped Aria off Spencer turned to her with a determined look on her face.

“Nothing is going to happen to him. I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“Don’t forget who you’re talking to here. I’m the things _sharks_ fear.”

“Only because they know if they eat you you’ll give them indigestion.”

Spencer didn’t laugh. She was very serious about her business.

“Ali, if I’m going to do this I need to know everything.”

“You already know everything.” Alison kept her eyes on the road, refusing to meet Spencer’s gaze.

“What happened that night?”

“I have told you this a thousand times.”

“Well, tell me a thousand and one.”

“Dad and his friend were drunk. Dad was yelling at me and pushing me around. Jason didn’t like it. He jumped them. Dad’s psycho friend grabbed a knife and stabbed Jason. Jason pulled his gun and warned them to back off, and when they didn’t he pulled the trigger.”

“I still don’t understand how your mom was hit…”

“She was trying to pull everyone apart.” Alison gripped the steering wheel. “I don’t get why after all this time they’re drudging it up. It’s stupid. What are they even looking at anyway?”

“I can’t say for sure, but I can guess what they’re calling in to question. The trajectory of the bullets, the area where the bodies were found, and the blood trails from Jason’s injuries. There are just some things that don’t add up. Things that _other_ lawyers are looking in to. And it would be _really_ helpful for me if you just told me everything you remember.”

“It all happened so fast. I don’t know what else to tell you. Talk to Jason.”

“You saw how well that went over today. Look, I’m on your side here. If there’s something he’s hiding…if he did something…I’ve got his back. There is no courtroom that I can’t dazzle.”

“We’re talking about my brother’s life here. Not some spectator sport in a courthouse.”

“You get that I’m trying to help him, right?”

“You and I both know that he doesn’t want help. And when someone is in that mindset, it’s best to just back away.”

“Is that so?” Spencer raised a curious brow at her. “So then…what exactly are you doing with Emily? How is that any different?”

“Leave her out of this. She has nothing to do with this.”

“Tell me you didn’t take her on because you’re trying to keep yourself busy…”

“I didn’t _take_ anyone on. She’s not a chore.” Alison snapped. “What do you have against her anyway? You don’t even know her.”

“How exactly am I supposed to get to know her? She hisses and retreats into a corner when the doorbell rings.”

“If you keep talking I’m going to shove you out of this car without stopping.”

“I’m not trying to upset you. I’m just pointing out that _maybe_ there are similarities to not being able to save your brother and trying to save her in his place. Because you’ve really latched on to her…”

_Because I think I love her._ Alison knew better than to say it out loud, _especially_ to Spencer.

“How much does she know about this? I mean, she _is_ living with you, which I still maintain is a terrible idea.” Spencer shook her head. “But she deserves to know the truth.”

“She knows. She dragged it out of me less than 24 hours after she’d come home with me. And to be honest, it was liberating. I didn’t want the foundation that we’re trying to build to be based on lies. I want her to know that she can be open with me, because I’m open with her.”

“You should hear yourself talk sometimes,” Spencer uttered with a laugh. “You sound like Doctor Phil.”

“And you sound like a bitch. What’s your point?”

Spencer rolled her eyes and then let out a sigh. She knew there was no use arguing with Alison. She was worse than a hostile witness.

“You really care about her, don’t you?” Spencer questioned.

“I do.”

“Can I ask you a question without you chewing my head off?” Spencer’s tone softened.

“Depends on the question.”

“Why does it mean so much to you for her to be a part of your life? As long as I’ve known you you’ve never once reached out to anyone the way you reach out for her.”

Alison thought about the question. She knew the answer, but she wasn’t going to tell Spencer.

“I knew when I met her that I wanted her in my life. I can’t explain it. And she…she’s been good for me, Spence. She’s got me opening up in ways I hadn’t even realized were possible. You only know a fraction of who she really is. She may not be social with you, but she’s different with me.”

Spencer clucked her tongue. She still had concerns. She was worried that Alison was so blinded by her feelings that she couldn’t see where this relationship was heading.

“That’s what everyone in a toxic relationship says.”

“I swear to God…” Alison gripped the steering wheel. “Don’t test me or you’re going to be eating asphalt.”

“I’m sorry. I just worry about you. You said yourself she has violent tendencies. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“The only person she hurts is herself.” She flinched. She had bad dreams where Emily tried to kill herself and succeeded. It freaked her out, because she knew it was highly possible. She couldn’t be with Emily every second of the day. “Well, herself…and jag-off drunk men who think it’s okay to grab a woman without consent…”

“Did that happen to you?” Spencer’s eyes widened.

“Look at me. Look at this body. Of course it happened to me.” Alison glanced at her like she was dumb for asking the question. “Emily came to my defense. But a bunch of guys jumped her. She got hurt. That’s how she ended up staying at my house in the first place.”

“So…when I called that morning for Aria’s parents’ wedding shower…”

“She had a concussion. And bruised ribs. She probably even had some internal bleeding. Cece patched her up. But she was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t leave her.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that?” Spencer gawked.

“Would you have listened?”

Spencer knew she was right.

“I can’t believe a bunch of men ganged up on her. What is happening to this society?”

“There are a lot of assholes out there. And they’re dangerous. But that didn’t stop Emily. They started it. But she finished it. And she’s been looking out for me every day since. She’s never laid a finger on me, Spencer. And I don’t appreciate the suggestion either. If anyone was abusive it was my fucking father.”

“I’m really sorry, Ali. I didn’t know. And I get that you have feelings for her. But please promise me you’ll be careful. PTSD can be unpredictable. I don’t want to get a phone call in the middle of the night that my best friend was accidentally shot in her own home after a PTSD trigger set someone off. I mean, with Jason and your parents it only took a few seconds. One split second. That’s all it takes.”

“She doesn’t have her guns. Not when she’s at the house.”

“You can’t know that for sure.”

“I trust her.”

“Okay.” Spencer put her hands up in a submissive manner. “Fine. I won’t mention it again…”

_You most definitely will…_

Alison knew her friend. She was relentless. But Alison was adamant about defending Emily. She was certain that the brunette was coming around. It was taking time, but she’d been through a lot.

But Alison didn’t know the half of it.

She didn’t know that at that very moment Emily was sitting on a bus heading towards the life she’d spent so long avoiding. Alison knew that Emily battled demons when she was awake _and_ when she was asleep.

What she didn’t know was that Emily was _looking_ for one certain demon.

Emily’s past haunted her everywhere she went. And after she’d been drugged at the club she decided not to be caught unaware again.

She needed to make sure it wasn’t him. So she took a cab from her doctor’s appointment to the bus station and then took a bus halfway there. She still remembered the route. She remembered having Ethan and Ellie by her side the last time. It was painful being surrounded by the empty space.

She got off several stops short, just to be on the safe side. She pulled up her hood and shoved her hands into the front pocket of her dark colored hoodie. She didn’t want to risk being seen by anyone.

She walked the remaining two miles to her old neighborhood. She had her hand on her concealed weapon the entire time.

She hadn’t set foot on the block in years. After she joined the army she’d made a vow that she’d never come home. She’d just as soon die overseas.

But life was a fickle little bitch. And here she was standing on the very soil she’d promised to burn to the ground the night she left.

Only this time she was alone.

The house had been condemned. The shutters were falling apart. The windows were busted. There was moss and wood rot everywhere. The lawn was overgrown. There were at least three dozen decaying newspapers tossed all over the yard.

_How fucking stupid is the paperboy? _Clearly no one was picking them up.

The old swingset out front had rusted over and was falling apart. Ethan had taught her how to swing on those swings, and in turn they’d both taught their baby sister.

She hadn’t thought about her sister in a long time. It was too painful to conjure her memory, so Emily kept it buried. But when she saw the house she couldn’t think of anything else.

Twisted memories and nightmares swirled around in her head. As she stared at the blurry flashes of her childhood the house morphed into a painful reminder of the way things had ended up after her father died.

She felt dizzy. The house looked distorted. She could hear the sounds of her younger self crying and begging for everything to stop. She closed her eyes to try and get control of herself, but when she opened them back up she was staring at a memory she’d pushed away.

She was standing outside of a small brick building with her brother by her side. They were waiting on their little sister to get out of school.

Ethan could tell Emily was in pain. He’d put his hand on her shoulder.

_“Hey, you okay? That was a pretty wicked nightmare you had last night. Was it…”_

_“No.” _Emily cut him off. _“No, it was nothing.”_

_“It didn’t seem like nothing. I have them, too. He…”_

_“It wasn’t him, okay?”_

_“Was it the shooting? Do you…do you still dream about that?”_

_“Sometimes.”_ Emily swallowed hard. _“I can still see his face…” _

Ethan knew it was difficult for her to talk about. She’d closed down after she’d witnessed the shooting. She’d thought about her father’s death a lot, but she rarely ever talked about it. She’d come out of that restaurant a different kid than she’d been when she’d walked in. Everyone had come out different.

Ethan remembered the frantic cries from the people who had been injured. And he remembered his mom screaming for his father and his sister.

_“You’re not alone. I hear the gunshots when I close my eyes sometimes.”_ There was a crack in Ethan’s voice, a hitch. _“And I feel like I can still hear mom screaming.” _

_“Going to the bathroom probably saved your lives.” _

_“Yeah, probably.”_ He sounded like he wanted to say more, but was hesitant to do so.

She knew he harbored a lot of guilt for not being there by her side. He thought he could have stopped it, even though they both knew he couldn’t have done anything.

_“You can talk to me about it, Ethan. I know you went through hell, too.” _

_“At least I had mom. I can’t imagine…” _

_“It felt like it was going to last forever.”_ In some ways, it had. _“Even when it was over it didn’t feel like it was over. I was so terrified that I was never going to see you and mom again.” _

_“I felt the same way. It was so surreal. There was so much carnage, but I didn’t really register it at the time. I was in shock. I remember…there was this kid. About your age. She was walking around covered in blood and crying. At first mom thought it was you. When we got over to her she saw that it wasn’t, but she picked her up anyway. We never did find her parents. I remember she screamed when the cops took her away from mom. Mom was crying, too.” _

_“I never really thought about how painful it must have been for her…to know that dad and I were in there and not know…”_

_“I’d never seen her so distraught. She was making noises that I’d never heard coming from any human. Ever. When the police carried you out I thought she was going to collapse.”_

Emily remembered crying when she saw her mother. She remembered fighting her way out of the officer’s grip and running over to her. Her mother had fallen to her knees and sobbed when she had her in her embrace.

All Emily had said was, _“mommy, daddy is hurt…”_

She hadn’t comprehended until later that he was dead.

_“You didn’t talk for almost three weeks.”_ Ethan remembered how much the silence had bothered him. _“Your nightmares were some of the worst I’ve ever seen.”_

He’d heard the screaming. He’d witnessed the thrashing. He’d seen his mother washing her sheets in the middle of the night after she’d wet the bed.

_“That had to be hard on you and mom. You were already going through so much.”_ Emily sighed. _“Part of me thinks that she went looking for help…for anyone to fill the void…and she found him…” _And he had manipulated her and used her._ “I feel like it’s my fault. Sometimes I wish I had died with dad.” _

_“Don’t say that.” _Ethan growled in shock.

_“She never would have met him if it wasn’t for me. I feel like you and mom would have been better off…”_ Emily bit back tears.

_“There is absolutely no world in which that would ever be true. I’ve only made it this far because I’ve had you.” _

He grabbed her hand. Ethan was the only person in the world who could touch her and not make her skin crawl. She wouldn’t find that again until years later when she met a determined young blonde.

There was a quiet moment between the siblings. Emily squeezed her brother’s hand.

A school bell jingled and they both looked up.

_“You ever think about taking off?”_ Ethan glanced at his watch.

_“Every day.”_ Emily watched the crowd of kids disperse, meeting their happy and eager parents. They didn’t have that. Their sister had never had that. _“But we can’t leave her.”_

_“Maybe we could find a way to take her with us. I’ve been saving up my cash from the car repair shop, and I know you’ve been doing the same with your tip money.” _

_“Yeah, but how long will that last? Where would we get the money to keep her fed and keep a roof over her head? And then there’s school…”_

_“Yeah.” _He sighed. _“Besides, the fucker would just come after us. Find a way to make it kidnapping.” _His face was red. _“If he wasn’t so close to his asshole cop buddies this would be so much easier. I’d waltz into the station right now and tell them everything if I thought they’d believe me. But they’d just laugh me right out the door.” _

_“I thought about maybe telling that one cop. The one who used to live next door. Garrett. But then I saw him chatting it up with him and laughing over a beer.”_ Something in her stance changed. She shifted uncomfortably. _“He started early that night. I barely even made it through the door…”_

It enraged her brother to hear that.

_“Fuck him. I hate him. I wish mom had never met him.” _

_“Well, she did.”_ Emily looked at the ground, her eyes stinging with tears. _“Is it wrong of me to be mad at her?” _

_“No. I get angry all the time. I get mad because she let him into our lives. I get angry that she died and left us with him. But then I feel terrible. Because I miss her so much.”_

_“I miss dad. If he was still alive none of this would be happening.”_

There was a beat of silence. Emily heard her brother grinding his teeth. He did that when he was deep in thought.

_“We could kill him,”_ he had an ominous tone in his voice.

Emily hadn’t been surprised by the suggestion. In fact, the thought had crossed her mind before. She’d been terrified that meant she was a bad person. Hearing her brother say the words out loud made her feel less out of control. But she also realized it wasn’t realistic.

_“But then what happens to Ellie?”_

_“What happens to her if we don’t?”_ Ethan rubbed a bruise on his arm.

Emily looked at the red marks around Ethan’s neck and she felt a surge of anger.

_“If he ever lays a finger on her I WILL kill him.”_ She moved her arms in front of her chest and hugged herself.

There was a quiet lingering tension in the air. Ethan touched Emily’s arm.

_“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. I should have done more. You were just a kid…”_

_“So were you.” _

They heard their little sister giggling as she burst out the school doors. The teacher behind her waved at them. They waved back.

_“Efan!”_ She hadn’t quite mastered her “th” sounds yet, but she was working on it. _“Emmy, look…look what I made in class!”_

She ran over to them in excitement, her little pink backpack flopping around on her shoulders. She held up a mosaic of different colored squares that had been glued to a paper plate and wrapped in suran wrap.

_“It catches the sun!”_ Ellie looked at her older siblings.

_“Wow, that’s so cool. I want to make one!”_ Ethan picked her up.

_“I can show you.”_ She was excited.

But she never got the chance.

Two days later she was dead.

Emily’s skin crawled at the memory. If she had just listened to Ethan they could have found a way to make it work. They could have taken off with their little sister in tow. They would both still be alive.

Emily took a step towards the house. Leaves crunched underneath her feet. Every step she took felt like a dagger slowly being inched into her chest. She felt a piercing pain in her heart. And she felt the looming fear from her childhood. She didn’t realize how much she was sweating until she felt a droplet of moisture dripping down her neck.

_“Emmy, I wanna go higher!”_ She could hear Ellie’s giggles as she pumped her legs on the swing.

Emily ducked under the caution tape on the rotting front porch, careful to make sure not to step on areas that were falling apart.

_“Can I have more cheese, pwease?”_

If Emily closed her eyes she could almost smell the burned grilled cheese sandwiches that Ethan made. Ellie loved the burned toast and cheap cheese.

After a few seconds, the smell of her childhood faded and it was replaced with a rancid stench.

The inside of the house was as much in shambles as the outside. Most of the house had been stripped bare. There were a few stray trinkets strewn about, but the bastard had obviously taken everything with him when he left.

There was garbage littered about. The place smelled like death. It hurt Emily to see it. Because it had been her mother’s house. They’d been a family before _he_ came along.

A cockroach skittered across the floor in front of her. She raised her boot up and brought it down hard against the creature. It crunched beneath her foot. When she looked down at the floor she saw something shimmering in the sunlight shining through the broken window.

She bent down and found a broken earring. She swallowed a knot in her throat when she realized it was a four leaf clover her dad had gotten her mother for Christmas one year. He’d always said his family brought him luck.

The last time she’d seen it Ellie had been playing dress up with some of their mother’s old things. She’d toddled over to Emily in a pair of high heels that were way too big for her.

_“Tell me about mommy, Emmy.”_

Emily teared up. She shoved the earring in her pocket and continued her search.

She stared at what used to be the living room, her eyes fixed on a dark stain on the mildew-ridden carpet.

_“She’s dead!”_

That night came rushing back to her.

She could see his rage as he screamed at her.

_“I’m going to fucking kill you, you hear me?”_

_“Em, run! RUN!”_

She backed up against the wall and tried to catch her breath. She slowly backed out of the room and made her way down the hallway to her old room that she’d shared with her little sister.

She stared at the hole in the drywall, remembering the pain she’d felt when she’d been thrown against the wall when she was fourteen. She’d been trying to protect Ethan that day.

She looked at the little area against the wall where Ellie’s bed had once been. She saw a ratty stuffed animal in the corner, but she couldn’t force herself to go over and pick it up. She searched through the room to see if she could find anything that would tell her where he’d gone.

When she didn’t find anything in her room she pushed herself to go to her mother’s old bedroom. She stopped at the door, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She gripped the edge of the door frame, digging her nails into the soft wood. The door was falling off of its hinges. She took a deep breath and walked into the room.

She rooted around for a few minutes. She found a ripped portion of cardboard from a local pizzeria and a crumpled up receipt from a gas station dated two years back. Most of what she found was trash.

She stopped when she got to the broken vanity mirror on the wall. She stared at her shattered reflection. And for some reason it made her angry. She didn’t like to see herself. She felt a sense of disgrace when she looked at her mirror image. It was like a strange taunting feeling inside telling her that she didn’t measure up to who she could have been.

She thought she saw movement in the reflection behind her. She thought she saw his face. She spun around without looking and thrust her fist towards the object. Her knuckles made contact with a crack in the drywall.

When she realized it was her mind playing tricks on her she let out a frustrated growl and pulled back and hit the wall again. She didn’t feel the skin peeling off of her knuckles, but she saw the blood on the wall.

She hastily moved away from the mirror and over to the closet. She grabbed the doorknob. All kinds of horrible memories came pouring back to her. She tightened her grip on the door handle and peered down at the empty crawl space. She looked at the scratches on the inside of the door. She remembered the blood on her fingers…the sheer desperation of wanting to save her sister.

“What the fuck am I doing?” she uttered.

She was tearing open all the wounds she had inside…for what? For a ghost from her past? There was a brief moment of panic, because what if she was creating the chaos in her life? What if what she was doing now brought on a whole new world of trouble? Could she really afford that? What if she put Alison in danger? She couldn’t stand the idea of something happening to her. It terrified her.

She kept telling herself she needed to walk away. For Alison’s sake. But then she thought about that night at the club.

That _“Happy birthday”_ had felt so real.

She couldn’t let it go. She knew seeing him was probably just a figment of her imagination, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to live her life without knowing exactly where he was, which she was hoping was in the ground. Everyone else in her life ended up dead. Maybe he’d been buried, too.

She saw a scrap of paper in the back of the closet. She was hard-pressed to go in and get it. She felt like she was trapped, even though the door was open. She quickly sprang forward and grabbed it and then moved back into the open area of the room, gasping for breath.

She stared at the stained business card in her hand. It looked old and the paper was falling apart. She flipped it over and saw a handwritten number on the back. She put the card in her pocket with the earring she’d found.

Her phone buzzed, scaring the shit out of her.

“Jesus.” She huffed. Her pulse was radiating into her ears.

She hurried out of the house, unable to stand being under that roof one second longer. She reached for her phone as she walked out into the backyard.

She looked at the caller ID, assuming it was Alison calling to check in. But it was her doctor’s office. She thought about ignoring it.

She couldn’t afford what she knew he was going to tell her. Her liver values had slowly been getting higher. But she couldn’t afford to be sick. Her Disability Compensation was mere pennies. She couldn’t afford any more hospital stays. She couldn’t afford much of anything.

She begrudgingly answered the call. The doctor was short and to the point, and Emily appreciated his brevity. She already knew the spiel, and he knew that she knew.

When she got off the phone she went right back to her investigation. She spent the rest of the day at the library scouring the internet to see if the phone number would lead her anywhere. She tried to look him up and see if she could find a current address. When that didn’t work she went as far as looking in the phonebook. She didn’t even know phonebooks were still a thing. But she found one.

And while she was busy perusing old outdated practices of communication, Alison was sitting at home, slowly working on her highest grade bottle of pinot.

The blonde had spent all day working on her alcohol buzz. The visit to her brother had been hard enough, but when she came home and found the house empty there had been a certain sense of dread that crept into her veins. She’d texted Emily, but didn’t get a response.

Alison didn’t like not knowing where Emily was. Everything felt so fucked up. She had let herself fall for this girl. And she knew it was bound to end badly.

She’d poured herself one glass of wine and tried to nurse it over time, but one glass turned into three. And three turned into five. And as she waited on Emily to get home she consumed more.

She sat in the living room for hours staring at the front door, wondering whether or not she’d ever see the brunette again.

After a while, Alison walked out back to the pool. The water looked so blue at night. She stared at her reflection. She barely recognized herself. She’d gone from a high school bully to some do-gooder who was working on a lost cause.

Alison listened to the sound of the small waterfall and stared at the ripples in the water, thinking about what Jason had said to her when it was just the two of them at the prison.

_“They didn’t find anything then. They won’t find anything now. This is just some glorified law student trying to play Scooby Doo.” _

_“This is all my fault…”_

_“You need to stop blaming yourself, Ali. I made the choice that day. I did this to myself. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. You’re my sister. And no matter what happens, it’s you and me, kid. Always.”_

Alison took another sip of her wine. She glared at the water again, thinking about what Spencer had said to her on the ride home.

_“With Jason and your parents it only took a few seconds. One split second. That’s all it takes.”_

She took another drink of her alcohol, polishing off the glass. She put it down on the small table next to a pool chair.

She rubbed her forehead. She felt so hot, even in the cold evening air. She closed her eyes and imagined Emily’s arms around her. She wanted her so badly.

Alison looked around her backyard and suddenly felt all alone. She’d never been more isolated in her life.

She drunkenly wiggled out of her skirt and leaned over the pool, staring at the bottom, staring at the lights built in just a few inches from the base of the deep end. They looked like tiny shining beacons of hope.

_Lies. All lies. Hope is stupid. Hope hurts. Fuck hope._

She lifted her arms, spreading them out into the air. She leaned over until she felt herself falling forward. She belly-flopped into the water. It was freezing, and she felt the chill immediately. But it was just the ice she needed to freeze the fire in her brain.

She heard Lupo’s toenails tapping against the hard surface around the pool as he paced around the perimeter.

He barked at her and she grumbled and slipped underneath the water. She just wanted some peace and quiet. Her shirt flowered out in the water, puffing up in front of her face. It was annoying her, so she stripped out of it, leaving her in her bra and underwear.

She closed her eyes and listened to the sounds of the water whooshing around her.

The vibrations of the outside noises slowed down. There was something calming about the sound. It was soothing, like being safe inside her mother’s womb.

Sometimes she wished she’d never been born. Sometimes she wondered how different the world would be without her existence.

_Is this what Emily feels like every day?_ It was horrible

Under the water, she couldn’t hear anything. So she didn’t hear her front door open and close. She didn’t hear Emily’s footsteps as she walked into the living room.

Inside, Emily only heard the silence of the house. She felt uneasy.

“Ali?” Emily called out.

Emily felt eerie when she got no response. She saw the empty wine bottle sitting on the edge of the counter. She chewed on her lip. Alison didn’t usually drink.

“Alison?” She raised her voice.

She heard Lupo barking from the backyard. Seconds later he came flying through the doggy door. He paced over to Emily. She reached down to stroke his head. He nudged her with his nose and whined. Then he turned around and ran out the doggy door again.

Emily followed him. She walked out the back door. She called Alison’s name again and got no response.

She was about to go back inside, but she noticed the dog’s odd behavior. He kept pacing the length of the pool. He crouched on his haunches like he wanted to jump in, but stopped short. He pawed at the water.

Her eyes adjusted to the darkness and she realized that there was something floating on the opposite end of the pool.

She glanced at the wine glass and her mind immediately went back to how she’d been drugged at the club. What if someone had followed them? What if it was someone who wanted to hurt her, and they’d come to finish the job and they’d found Alison instead?

Emily’s heart seized in her chest when she realized that she was looking at Alison’s body in the water.

She didn’t stop to think. She just reacted. She took a running leap and jumped headfirst into the pool. She threw her arms forward until she reached Alison. She grabbed her.

The second her arms made contact she felt a resistance. They both splashed to the surface. Alison jerked back, not realizing that it was Emily.

“What the hell?” Alison sputtered, splashing water all over the place. Emily had scared the shit out of her.

Emily breathed a sigh of relief.

“Jesus Christ, Ali. You almost gave me a fucking heart attack.” She could smell the alcohol on her breath.

“Doesn’t feel so good, does it?” Alison realized that for once, the tables were turned. “Welcome to my world.”

“Don’t start with me.” Emily wiped some water away from her face. “How much have you had to drink?”

“Enough to put a Russian vodka connoisseur to shame.” Alison smiled, leaning back against the water.

“And you thought swimming in this cold weather was a good idea?”

“_You’re_ lecturing _me_ about drinking? _That’s_ rich.” Alison scoffed, kicking back away from her.

Emily followed her, worried she’d slip under the surface again.

“You’re surly when you’re shitfaced.” Emily frowned. “You could have drowned, you know that?”

“I know how to swim, Emily.” She grumbled childishly.

“Get out of the pool.”

“No.”

“Alison, get out of the fucking pool or I’ll drag you out.”

“Make me.” Alison lazily moved forward.

She put her arms over Emily’s shoulders and pushed her body against Emily’s. She smiled when she felt Emily’s body heat against her. Emily froze. She felt a hot bolt of desire shooting through her veins.

Alison pushed her lips out into a pout and looked up at Emily. She wanted to tell Emily to fuck her senseless, but then she saw something strange in the brunette’s eyes.

Emily looked so tired. And there was a strange new hint of pain she’d never seen in her before. Alison moved to touch Emily’s cheek, her thumb lightly moving under the pronounced dark circles that were standing out against her skin.

_Oh, honey…_ Alison thought sympathetically.

“You look like shit.” The blonde frowned.

Emily had to laugh. Alison was completely sloshed and she was telling _her_ she looked like shit.

“So do you. Bad day at the pen?” She slowly kicked backwards, taking Alison with her as she maneuvered towards the side of the pool.

“No, we had a lovely visit. Tea and crumpets and all that,” she replied sarcastically. “Of course it was shitty. You’d know that if you hadn’t been out doing whatever sketchy shit you like to do when I’m not around.”

_Low fucking blow._ It pissed Emily off, but she tried to remember that she wasn’t the nicest drunk either.

“I _would_ have gone if you asked me.” She pushed Alison’s wet hair away from her face. “You told me you didn’t want me to.”

“I know.” Alison closed her eyes. “Where have you been?”

“Had some things I needed to do after my appointment.” Emily pressed her lips together, trying to fight back her emotions.

She could hear her sister’s cries. She could hear the pain of her past. She regretted going home. She regretted letting herself feel things.

“Did the appointment go okay?”

“Everything is fine.” Emily replied, lying with ease, though it wasn’t technically a lie. People lived with bad livers for years with the proper care.

When she looked at Emily she could see so much turmoil in her soul. She looked haunted.

“You look so sad, Em.”

“I’m just worried about you.” Emily forced a pained smile on her face.

Emily reached out and put her hand against the side wall, still holding on to Alison, their bodies still flush. Their faces were inches apart. Their eyes met. There was a quiet intimacy between them, and Emily felt a moment of vulnerability.

Alison pushed her forehead against Emily’s and their lips ghosted over each other. Alison moved her body against Emily’s front, pressing her bare stomach against Emily’s abdomen. She slipped her hand up against Emily’s neck.

Emily instinctively put her hand against Alison’s side, her hand weightless in the water. Alison felt a warm surge roll over her, and she knew it was because of Emily’s touch.

“You feel that?” Alison whispered against Emily’s lips.

Emily could taste the wine on her breath. She could feel the desire in her movements.

“What?”

“The world. It’s standing still.” She pressed her lips against Emily’s.

And Emily could feel it. It was as if time and space ceased to exist and they were the only point in time, like the universe only existed for them. They were careening through it together at the speed of light. And Emily realized that her universe started and ended with Alison. And no matter how hard she tried to fight it, every single path led her directly back to the blonde.

Emily felt herself melting into the kiss. She let go of the side of the pool and she let everything in. She let Alison in. Neither one of them was holding on to anything but the other, and they slowly sank below the surface, fingers grasping at cheeks, lips moving together as they slipped underwater.

Their bodies were buoyant, at the mercy of the water. They drifted, but they were closer than ever. Gravity ceased to exist, its weight fading until the world around them was light and airy. There was nothing holding them down, yet they could feel the heaviness of the moment.

The lights at the bottom of the pool were like fractals of diamonds shimmering in the water. It was as if fireworks were exploding around them, painting them in beautiful broken bits of light.

The kiss was slippery and messy and wet. And the weightlessness made it feel like they were alone in zero gravity. But it was also beautiful and perfect and sweet. It was a tidal wave washing over them, taking them out to sea. It was pulling them in, a whirlpool dragging them into uncharted waters. But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because they had one another.

In that split second they both realized that love didn’t happen in the blink of an eye, but rather in a moment so slow that it felt as if time was moving backwards. Yet, in that second of eternity, love happened in a heartbeat.

The feeling was strange and overwhelming and painful. But at the same time it felt right. And even though they both knew the reality of how their story would end, they had that moment. They had the present. Being together was hard, but neither one of them wanted to imagine being apart.

They surfaced seconds later, their lungs burning with cold air. But when their bodies met, there was an undeniable heat. When they exhaled they expelled hot puffs of air that dissipated in the cold dark night. Droplets of water were cascading down Emily’s face. Alison reached up to move her wet tangled hair away from her face, her fingers catching in her long locks. They moved in for another kiss, their mouths still slick, water still dripping down to where their lips were intertwined.

Emily felt Alison shiver and she realized she’d been submerged in the chilly water for way too long. She pulled back and moved them towards the shallow end.

Alison held on to her like she was afraid of letting go, like she would sink into oblivion without her. She felt her feet scraping the bottom of the pool. Emily leaned against the side of the pool, her arm around the small of Alison’s back. Alison pushed her palm against Emily’s chest. It was a subconscious motion, an inner desire to feel her heart. It was pounding wildly against her ribs, beating against Alison’s hand. Alison smiled. Because she knew it was all because of her.

Alison leaned in closer to Emily’s face. She turned so that she was in front of the brunette. Their eyes met again, and Emily knew exactly what she was about to do. Before she could object, Alison moved forward and pressed her lips against Emily’s again. She breathed hard into their kiss. Her hand gripped the side of Emily’s neck as she desperately tried to get Emily to open herself up to the motion.

Emily was kissing her with fervor, but Alison knew that she was holding back. She wanted that raw emotion she’d felt their first time. She wanted Emily to take command and to slam into her with wild abandon. She needed to feel her.

Alison took Emily’s hand and moved it down to the front of her panties, encouraging Emily to touch her. The movement, combined with the smell of the alcohol triggered something in the brunette.

She felt a painful snap into the past. Her body stiffened. She couldn’t breathe. She felt a tight pressure around her neck. Her stomach was aching. She smelled whiskey. She tasted tears. She heard Ethan’s screams. Emily gasped and pulled back, breaking the kiss. Her lips were quivering and her breaths were shaky and shallow.

“Ali,” she said softly, her voice full of a kind quiet finesse that Alison had never heard before. “You’re drunk.”

“So?”

“I can’t.” Her voice was trembling. She tried not to hyperventilate. “Not when you’re drunk.”

“I _want_ you to.”

Emily swallowed a knot in her throat. Alison was too out of it to see her entire body shaking.

“Please, Emily. I _need_ this. I need you.” She was directing Emily’s hand, moving it against her center, trying to push her fingers underneath her underwear.

Alison couldn’t feel Emily’s resistance. She couldn’t feel Emily internally panicking. She couldn’t feel Emily trying to stop it. She couldn’t feel anything other than Emily’s fingers against her body. She had fallen for her so fast and so hard that she’d become blind to her triggers.

“Hey…” Emily delicately touched her face. She placed her thumb and index finger against her jaw and gently tilted her chin up. It got Alison’s attention. “I know you think you want this, but we can’t. Not like this.”

Emily was shivering now, too, but it wasn’t because of the cold water. Alison saw something in her expression, and it was enough to get her to stop forcing it.

“What’s wrong?” Alison saw the panic on her face.

“I just can’t.” Emily’s voice cracked.

Alison let go of Emily’s hand, expecting her to pull it away, but the brunette left her fingers against her center for a few seconds, cupping her. Emily was impressed with the amount of heat she felt there. And she felt like plunging her fingers into her. But all she saw when she looked into Alison’s eyes was the struggle going on inside her mind. It was a pain she recognized. It was a pain she was not going to take advantage of.

She slowly pulled her hand out from in between Alison’s legs and gingerly put it against her hip. She leaned in for another kiss, this one less frenzied. She held Alison’s lips against hers, trying to help her let go of whatever pain she was holding on to. After a few seconds she pulled back to look into her eyes.

“Let’s get you out of these wet clothes before you get pneumonia.” Emily was still delicately holding her cheek.

Alison didn’t have any fight left in her. She nodded, pulling away from Emily. She moved towards the stairs. She gripped the handle as she emerged from the pool. Water was dripping down her body, rolling down her back, over her curves. Her wet undergarments left very little to the imagination. The water had made them practically see-through. Emily couldn’t help but stare at her perfectly round ass.

The second Alison’s feet hit the pavement she realized how drunk she truly was. She could barely walk. She tilted sideways and grabbed the edge of a flimsy table. Emily caught her before she could hit the ground. Alison looked at her, her eyes locked on Emily’s.

_I love you._ Alison wanted to say it. But she knew it was crazy. They still had so much to learn about each other. Instead she just looked at her lovingly.

“I’m glad you’re here.” She smiled sweetly at her.

Emily felt her heart flutter, a feeling she’d never felt before. She didn’t know what love was, but she was pretty sure this was the start of something in that realm.

_Her smile._ God, Alison’s smile. It was enough to make her feel like the world wasn’t fucked.

Emily slipped her arm around the small of Alison’s back. Alison’s knees buckled, but before she could hit the ground she felt Emily’s strong arms lifting her up into the air.

She swung Alison around, one of her arms supporting the back of her knees and the other up against Alison’s shoulders. Alison’s cheek automatically fell against Emily’s chest. She reached up and wrapped her arms around Emily’s neck.

She drifted in and out of consciousness. She was vaguely aware of Emily drawing her a warm bath while she sat on the toilet and stared at the floor. Once she was warmed up, Emily helped her get into her pajamas.

The next few hours were a haze, but she was semi-conscious when she was puking into the toilet. Emily held her hair back as she gripped the cool porcelain. And when she was all puked out Emily carried her back to bed. She wiped Alison’s face off with a cool cloth. When she had settled in bed Emily stood up to leave.

“Emily?” Alison mumbled drunkenly, reaching out for her. She gripped her wrist and looked up at her. “Will you stay with me?”

_Until the day I die._ Emily thought to herself.

“Are you sure?” Emily asked.

“More sure than I’ve ever been of anything else in my life.” She pulled Emily towards the bed.

Emily crawled in next to her. Alison curled up against her. Emily wasn’t sure what to do at first. All she really knew how to do was fuck and leave. She’d never been someone who cuddled. After a minute she relaxed. She curled her arm around Alison to hold her in place. It felt good. It felt right.

“How is your nausea?” Emily traced Alison’s jaw line with her index finger, eliciting a smile from the blonde.

“Better now that I left most of the wine in the toilet bowl.”

“What possessed you to play _Napa Valley_?” Emily asked softly. “Were things that bad with your brother’s visit?”

Alison wanted to tell her it was more than that. She wanted to tell her everything she was feeling. She wanted to tell her that Jason was just the tip of the iceberg. She wanted to tell her how much it scared her to think about losing her, because she couldn’t take another hit. She had lost her brother. Not in the most traditional sense. But he was disappearing all the same. She’d seen that at their visit today.

“He’s going to die in there.” Alison’s eyes welled up with tears. “He’s going to die in there and it’s my fault.”

“And you thought drowning yourself was going to change that?” Emily asked.

“You’re one to talk,” Alison replied sadly. She spent every day wondering if it would be the day that Emily tried to kill herself again. “And I wasn’t trying to drown myself. I just needed to think.”

“Underwater? Without air?” Emily peered at her curiously. “Seriously, what were you thinking, Ali? Do you know what it would have done to me if I…”

She bit her lip, trying to remind herself that this wasn’t about her. It was about Alison. It was about helping her with her pain the way Alison did for her. She didn’t realize that by admitting she cared, she was giving Alison exactly what she needed.

“You really care that much?” Alison sat up, using her elbow to prop her head up next to Emily.

“Of course I care.” Emily cupped her cheek with one hand and slid her other hand against the nape of her neck.

Alison was the only reason she hadn’t put a bullet in her brain. The blonde was her only tether to the world. She had nothing else. It was a terrifying feeling. Because when she’d gone out to her old house all she could think about was what would happen to the girl she’d leave behind if it went south. It caused her physical pain to think about what she was doing to Alison…the danger she was putting her in.

“I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you,” Emily whispered tearfully.

“Nothing is going to happen to me. Not while you’re around.”

And she believed that, which scared Emily even further. Because Alison didn’t even see how dangerous it was to be around her.

_You’re dangerous to her. You’ll hurt her._

“You overestimate me,” Emily said, unable to hold her gaze. “I’ve learned from experience that the most dangerous people in our lives are the ones we invite in ourselves.” She faced Alison, her voice shaking. “Ali, _I’m_ a danger. If I stay here I’m afraid of what it will do to you.”

“I _want_ you here.” She leaned in, touching Emily’s face. Her lips moved against Emily’s. Emily automatically kissed her back. When they pulled away Alison had a determined look on her face. “I’m not scared.”

Emily stared at the blonde beauty above her, and only one thought came to mind:

_I am._

She was absolutely terrified. Of her feelings. Of her past. Of herself. She was terrified she was going to leave another dead body in her wake. Or worse, break her heart.

* * *

**A/N:** _These two have got some rough stuff going on. There is a lot happening here, what with both of their pasts starting to come to light. I know this is a painful read. Emily in particular has some very jarring memories. I don’t take any of it lightly. And I am careful about how I phrase every single word. I hope people are heeding my warning about how dark this story is. As always, if you are struggling in any capacity...please reach out for help, no matter how hard it might be. Take care of yourselves!_


	9. Scars of Yesterday

**A/N:** _This is just a reminder that Alison and Emily are both very damaged and not in a healthy place at this point. This story is extremely character driven (with a bunch of dark twists and turns in the plot) and it really pushes the emotional toll. Remember to continue to be good to yourselves._

* * *

**Chapter 9:**

**Scars of Yesterday**

Emily played with the business card in her hand, flipping it over and picking at the edges. She hadn’t called the number on the back. She didn’t want anyone to know that she was trying to follow a trail. She knew she needed to fly under the radar. It was the safest way to do to things.

She’d researched the number, but it had come up empty. So she was going to find a payphone and dial it. If someone answered she’d have a voice to follow. If no one answered she’d hang up and make it seem like it was just another wrong number.

She heard a thump upstairs. It wasn’t the dog. She’d gotten pretty good at distinguishing the difference between Lupo jumping off of the bed and Alison dragging herself to the bathroom.

She slipped the business card into her bag and walked into the kitchen to finish preparing the breakfast she’d made for Alison. Ethan had given her some great hangover cures over the years. She knew that Alison was going to feel like shit. And she wanted to help her. It was the least she could do.

Lupo came trotting into the room first. He stopped at the stove and lifted his head to get a better whiff of the bacon. Emily reached into a jar on the counter and pulled out a dog treat. She handed it to him and he walked away, happily wagging his tail.

Alison moaned as she walked into the kitchen. She felt like hell. She was certain that she looked like death. But Emily didn’t see anything less than her perfection. Alison didn’t miss the way Emily looked at her. It’s like she saw all the darkness, but it didn’t faze her. Emily understood darkness. She accepted Alison’s darkness.

It made Alison feel guilty, because she hadn’t been honest about herself. She’d told Emily bits and pieces of her life…bits and pieces that she’d edited.

Emily put a plate of food down on the table and smiled at her.

“Morning sunshine.” Emily teased, putting a cup of freshly brewed coffee next to her plate.

Alison took one look at the kitchen and felt a wave of guilt washing over her. She’d opened up her house to this woman…to help her, to be there for her. She was supposed to be the one taking care of Emily.

“Em, you didn’t have to…”

“I know. But I’ve had my fair share of wild nights. Grease does wonders for a hangover. Trust me.”

“Grease, eh?” Alison looked at Emily, a cheeky expression on her face. “Is it the word?”

“The…word?” Emily looked at her in confusion. “What word?”

“You’ve never seen _Grease_? It’s a classic! John Travolta at his prime. And Olivia Newton John…” She purred. “What a woman.”

“I think you might still be drunk.”

Alison chuckled as she sat down at the table. Emily had made her an omelet with diced ham, tomatoes, and cheese. Next to the omelet there was a side of roasted potatoes and toast with an avocado spread.

“Thank you. This looks really good.”

Emily had gone all out. She had coddled her all night and had still gotten up early enough to make her a wonderful breakfast.

“I can’t remember the last time someone went to the trouble to make me breakfast…” She yawned.

“You probably can’t remember much of anything from last night either.” Emily handed her a fork.

She wasn’t wrong. The night was a fog. Alison remembered being in the pool and she remembered kissing Emily. But after that it was a blur.

“I owe you an explanation.” Alison sighed and looked up at her, a sheepish expression on her face.

“You don’t owe me anything.” She put her plate down and took a seat next to Alison. “You’re an adult. I’m not your babysitter.”

Alison opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the chiming of her phone.

“It’s Spencer.” Alison glanced at the screen.

“See, you’ve already got one mom-friend. I’m not looking to be another.” Emily took a sip of her drink.

“She just knows that I have a habit of acting recklessly after I see my brother.” She picked up her phone and tapped a quick reply. “She has to take stock of the situation, for her own peace of mind to make sure I don’t do anything crazy or go off the deep end.” She glanced up and Emily and laughed nervously. “Figuratively speaking.”

Her phone went off again. Alison glanced at Spencer’s reply.

_“You didn’t get drunk and pass out alone with her, did you?”_

Alison was perturbed by what Spencer was insinuating.

“She doesn’t like me, does she?” Emily pushed her scrambled eggs around on her plate.

“What?” Alison lifted her head in surprise. She didn’t want Emily thinking that her friends didn’t like her. Emily already had a habit of seeing the worst in herself. “Why would you say that?”

“Because she knows the truth. You’ve got a ticking time bomb for a roommate.”

“She doesn’t know you.”

“I think she knows me better than you do.” Emily took a bite of her eggs. “She’s worried I’ll corrupt your perfect little life. And she’s right.”

“She’s a pious judgmental little shit and I have no problem telling her that twenty times a day.” Alison argued.

Emily snorted, nearly choking on her coffee. Alison was one of the most outspoken women she’d ever met. She could imagine her calling Spencer a nosy bitch over mimosas and crumpets.

“She’s worried about me being here though, right?” Emily asked.

“No.”

“Liar.” Emily smiled at her.

“I don’t give a shit even if she is. You probably saved my life last night.”

“I think Lupo would have gone in if you were really in trouble.”

“You underestimate how much he hates water.” Alison looked over at her dog, who was staring out the back window, waiting on the squirrels so he could bark at them.

“He looked ready to dive in to me.” Emily shrugged.

Alison cringed. It had probably scared the hell out of Emily to come home to that.

“I’m sorry you found me like that.” She couldn’t imagine what it had done to Emily’s already fragile emotional state.

“You’re kidding, right? I vomited all over you and actively tried to die the first night we met.”

“I remember how much the thought of watching you die terrified me.” Alison made eye contact with Emily. “It must have been the same for you last night.”

_Worse_. Emily thought. Because they knew one another now. They had a bond.

“That prison visit must have been really hard for you,” Emily said softly.

Alison wanted to tell her that it wasn’t just the visit. It was coming home to an empty house, not knowing whether or not the brunette would make it home that night. She wanted to tell her that she couldn’t stop her feelings, that she couldn’t control the growing desire in her heart.

Emily sensed that Alison was holding something inside.

“It wasn’t just the visit, was it?” Emily asked. She glanced down at the floor. “Was it something I did?”

Alison felt her heart shattering when she saw the look on Emily’s face.

_God. She thinks it’s her fault. I can’t keep lying to her. I have to tell her the truth…_

“No,” Alison replied sharply. “No, of course not.”

“Ali…” Emily sighed, putting her palm flat against the table. “I need you to be honest with me. I know I can be…I’m a lot to handle. My demons are a lot to handle. But the second they bleed over into your life, you have to tell me. Because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you.”

Alison took Emily’s hand and slowly slipped it up her arm until she was gripping her firm bicep. Emily stared at her hand and then made eye contact with the blonde.

“Emily, this wasn’t your fault. My life has only gotten better with you in it.”

Which is exactly what Emily was afraid of. How could she pretend that Alison wasn’t going to get hurt? Because Emily knew it was only a matter of time before she fucked up. And Alison would be caught in the middle. She wanted to beg Alison not to fall for her, but she knew it was too late. She’d felt something in their encounter last night that she hadn’t felt before.

“What do you remember about last night?” Emily asked.

Alison pulled her hand away and scratched at her forehead. It was all a haze. All she knew was that Emily had been there for her.

“I remember you telling me to get out of the pool, and…” When she thought about how warm Emily’s skin had felt against hers she felt her face getting hot, “…that kiss…” She was turned on just thinking about it. That kiss had been amazing. She’d never done anything like that before. “You’re so good at it.”

“Thanks. I’ve had a lot of practice.” Emily replied with a wry smile.

“Well, you’re great.” Alison touched her hand. “That’s what I remember. You. Being great.”

Emily forced a smile on her face. Alison didn’t remember how forward she’d been…how she’d tried to push for more. She didn’t remember the panicked look on Emily’s face. All she remembered was that kiss.

“Everything afterwards is a total blank…” She felt like something important had happened, but it was lost in a drunken hole, “I know I spooned the toilet for half the night.”

“You called it your cave of wonders and then said you were going spew-lunking.” Emily laughed.

“Well…that’s _super_ embarrassing.”

“I thought it was cute.” Emily smiled.

“Oh…oh no.” A memory came flashing back to her. She groaned and buried her face in her hands. “Please tell me I didn’t say my toilet was my bathroom Maserati with a little drunk in its trunk.”

“No, but I wish you had. That’s priceless.”

“I can’t believe I thought I was fit enough to walk through my house, let alone go swimming.” Alison’s cheeks reddened in embarrassment.

“Can I ask you something?” Emily’s tone was quiet and nervous.

“Anything.”

“Did you…” Emily hesitated. “Were you trying to…”

Alison got the gist of what she was asking. Emily wanted to know if she’d purposely tried to drown herself. She could tell it was uncomfortable for her to talk about. She reached out and touched her hand.

“No.” Alison assured her. “I just had too much to drink and I got this stupid idea in my head to go out by the pool. I’ve always felt at home in the water. I was just trying to quiet my mind.”

“I get that.” Emily nodded, staring at Alison’s hand on top of hers. “I feel like that a lot. My brain feels so loud sometimes.” She slowly raised her eyes up to meet Alison’s. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“Thanks to you.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you got home. Maybe I could have been there for you or something.”

“You _were_ there for me.” Alison replied with a smile on her face. “Besides, I know you have a life. I’m sure whatever you were doing was important.”

Emily looked away, thinking about the ruins of her childhood and the old wounds she was tearing open. She wanted to tell Alison the truth about everything. She thought she may have been targeted that night at the club. She thought that her past was coming back to haunt her. She thought she was a danger to her, just like she’d been a danger to everyone else in her life.

“Emily?” Alison asked softly, noticing the distant look on her face.

“Hmm?”

“You seem kind of stressed. Did something else happen last night? Did I say something? Do something?”

“No.” Emily shook her head. She’d gotten so good at lying that she believed herself. “It was just a long day.”

“I forgot to even ask how your appointment went.”

“You did ask. You just don’t remember.”

“Remind me. Is your bloodwork okay?” Alison asked anxiously.

Emily swallowed hard, thinking about her conversation with her doctor. Like everything else in her life, her health was going to shit, too.

_“I’m afraid your liver values have gotten worse. We need to discuss further options.”_

Emily had decided not to tell Alison. She knew that the blonde didn’t need that stress in her life. She had a little bit of time to figure things out. With the right medications she would be fine for a while. Besides, she just needed to live long enough to put a bullet in her stepfather’s brain. And then maybe she could enjoy a little domestic bliss with Alison until the grim reaper finally snatched her away.

“Everything is fine. I’m going back in for a follow up in a few weeks.” She glanced at the untouched food on Alison’s plate. “Your food is getting cold.” She smiled sweetly at Alison. It was a kindness that melted the blonde’s heart every time. “You really should eat. The grease will help coat your stomach and the bread absorbs all the excess alcohol.”

“Is that true?” Alison was impressed.

“I don’t know. Probably. Seemed to work when we were overseas. We had to get really creative if we didn’t want the slop in the mess hall, especially when we were hungover. We were luckier than most. One of our neighboring squads had this guy who was always making some kind of creative dish. Ezra Fitz. Taught me everything he knew. Was top of his class in culinary school. He had his own restaurant and everything.”

“If he had all that how did he end up in the army?” Alison took a bite of her omelet.

She looked up and saw that Emily had stopped playing with her food. Alison suddenly realized that sounded like she felt as though people who had options would never join the army.

“That came out wrong. I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, I know people from all walks of life join the army.”

Emily had a pained look on her face. She squeezed her fork.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to offend…”

“You didn’t. It just brings up some old shit.”

“Did something happen to him?” Alison asked.

“Not him. His fiancé. Nicole. She was in a neighboring squad. I knew her long before I met Ezra. My squad was out on patrol with hers one day and we were ambushed. A bunch of us got taken alive. They tried to get us to talk…to give up information.”

She rubbed a scar on the back of her hand. Alison wanted to reach out and touch her to let her know she wasn’t alone, but she got the feeling that Emily didn’t want to be touched.

“They had me for a few days. I was locked up in this little cell with Nicole and one other girl. They took Nicole one day…” She flinched. She could still hear the screams. “Me and the other girl were rescued in a raid a few hours later. But Nicole and a bunch of others were still missing. Ezra was pretty torn up when he heard about it. He said he felt helpless. He wanted to do something. So…he stepped away from his business. He joined the army and ended up stationed close to where Nicole had been stationed. Doesn’t usually work out that way, but he threw a lot of money at them.”

“Did they find her?” Alison asked hopefully, though she could tell by the expression on Emily’s face that it wasn’t a happy ending.

“She’s dead.” Emily twirled her fork into her eggs, refusing to look at Alison, refusing to let her emotions bleed through. “I mean, not officially. They never found her body. But we all know the reality.” She sighed. “It’s kind of crazy to think about how that could have been me. If they had taken me instead of her…” She dropped her fork and shrugged. “Maybe it should have been. A lot of those other people had lives back home…”

“Don’t say that.” Alison put her fork down and latched on to Emily’s hand.

Emily jumped, but she didn’t pull away. Alison’s touch brought her back into reality.

Emily shuffled uncomfortably. She got up to get more coffee. She was pacing the kitchen floor nervously. Every so often she’d stop to clean something up. She’d move a pan to the sink. She’d wipe crumbs off of the counter. She’d do anything to try and silence her mind.

It’s not as if her behavior was surprising to Alison. Emily often got restless when she opened up about her time overseas. But it still worried Alison to see her so unhinged.

“Why don’t you sit down and finish breakfast with me?” Alison suggested.

Something about Alison’s voice was soothing to the brunette. She slid back into her chair. She picked up her fork, but Alison noticed that she didn’t eat. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“This is really great.” Alison took a bite of her omelet. “What is this garnishing? Parsley?”

“Chervil, actually. It’s in the parsley family. I was stationed in France for about two months. They put it on everything.”

“I see why. It’s good.” Alison smiled.

Emily smiled back. There was always a split second where Emily felt like the world wasn’t spinning out of control when she saw Alison smile. Her tension started to ease.

Alison told Emily about her visit with her brother, leaving out the legal issues. She struggled to find the right way to bring up why the visits with her brother were so hard for her.

She thought about just blurting it out, but she couldn’t do it. Not while Emily was looking at her like she hung the fucking moon. Because she wasn’t nearly as innocent as Emily thought.

She waited until Emily was halfway to the dishwasher with her dishes. She knew it was cowardly not to do it face-to-face, but she just couldn’t stand to see the look in her sad soulful eyes when Emily realized the truth.

“Emily, I need to tell you…”

She was interrupted by large claws striking the hardwood floor. Lupo spotted the squirrel he’d been waiting for all morning. He growled and then let out a thunderous bark before tearing through the doggy door.

The noise sent Emily careening back into an active war zone. She felt bullets whizzing by her. She felt blasts of dirt hitting her face. Emily spun towards the noise, the plate flying out of her hand. She reached for a knife on the counter.

“Damn it, Lupo.” Alison grumbled hastily. She leaped up to check on Emily, but froze when she saw the knife. “Hey, just take it easy.”

Alison carefully moved towards her. Her heart was pounding.

It took Emily a few seconds to snap out of it, but she slowly registered that she was in Alison’s kitchen. She lowered the knife, her hands shaking.

Alison maintained eye contact with her as she carefully closed the distance between them. She very slowly put her hand against where Emily’s fingers were tightly gripping the knife. She pried it away from her. She put it on the counter and then faced Emily.

“You okay?” Alison asked.

Emily swallowed a knot in her throat and nodded.

“That fucking dog and his squirrels, I swear to God.” Alison glanced outside at the oblivious Shepherd.

“It’s not his fault.” Emily’s voice cracked. Alison could hear the pain in her tone and it crushed her. Emily reached up and ran her fingers through her hair. “Fuck, I really could have hurt you.” She glanced at the knife. “This…this is what I was talking about. Me being here is screwing everything up for you.”

“No, it’s not…”

“You shouldn’t have to wonder about whether or not I’m going to lose my shit and do something…like this.” She was breathing hard. “When I asked you if you had a way to protect yourself…” Emily lowered her shaking hands. “You could have gotten hurt. You can’t just assume I’m going to respond every time. Because one day I might not. And if there is a split second decision you have to make…you need to be able to take me down. You have to be able to stop me.”

Emily kept looking back at the knife. If that had been a gun, Alison could have been killed, and that horrified her.

“I _did_ stop you.” Alison pointed out.

Emily couldn’t get the worst case scenario out of her head.

“What if next time you can’t? I can’t control it.”

“I have a really hard time believing that the same girl who catapulted herself into a freezing pool after me would ever do anything to hurt me. I mean, if you hadn’t been here last night…”

“You wouldn’t have been drinking in the first place.” Emily cut her off. “I’m the root of this problem. I know it. Your friends know it. Why don’t you?”

“Because it’s not true. I make my own damn choices. Sometimes they’re stupid choices.”

Emily licked her lips nervously. She looked down at the floor.

“Emily, look at me.” Alison held her arms tightly. She saw the brunette’s eyes brimming with tears, but they didn’t look like sorrow. They looked like anger. She slid her palms against Emily’s neck. “Hey, you deserve to be here. You deserve to be alive.”

“I don’t feel like it.” Emily disagreed. She tipped her head back and tried to stop the tears from falling. “I close my eyes and I see them, Ali. All of them. I can…I can feel their blood on my hands. I can hear them. I always hear them. It’s a soundtrack of my worst nightmare that is just…on a loop. The screams. And then…the silence. That silence is the worst part. Because at least when they were screaming I knew they were alive.” She lowered her chin and finally forced herself to look at Alison. “I can’t make it stop. I don’t know how.”

“It’s going to take time.” Alison’s thumbs gently stroked the bottom of Emily’s jaw.

“I don’t _have_ time.” She looked at Alison, a flash of agony on her face. “What’s the point of living if all I feel is pain?”

“Because pain can be managed.”

_That’s as fucking stupid as ‘it will get better’_. Emily thought angrily.

She had heard that so much in her life that at one point she’d started to believe it. It only hurt that much more when it didn’t happen.

“Not my pain.” The expression in her eyes held a universe of unspoken emotion. The girl carried the weight of the world and Alison could see it. “Other people get to know this kind of pain as a friend, but this is a fucking nightmare I’ve carried with me my whole life. It didn’t get better then. And it’s not going to get better now.”

The only difference between then and now was that right now, in this very moment, she had someone who actually cared about her. And it made it extremely difficult for her to accept the fact that this didn’t end well. For either of them.

“I wish I’d met you a long time ago,” Emily said. “Things could have been so different. My brother…” She choked. “My sister…”

Alison was intrigued by the mention of her sister. Emily hadn’t talked about her much. Emily had only mentioned her once. Every time Alison asked about her, Emily shut down. Alison didn’t even know the little girl’s name. She’d searched through Emily’s past, but only one sibling popped up, and that was her brother Ethan.

“You don’t talk much about her.” Alison pointed out.

_I should have gotten her out of that house._ Emily hated herself every day for not running away with Ellie.

Alison saw the look on her face. She saw Emily getting lost in herself.

“Don’t disappear on me,” Alison cupped her cheek.

“I…I’m not.” Emily cleared her throat. “I’m just a little out of my head. I think I’m going to step out to get some fresh air.” She was starting to feel trapped. “I’m going to go for a jog.”

Alison wanted to volunteer to go with her, but the idea of pushing her body to the limit while hungover made her feel like puking. Plus she knew that Emily didn’t want her to go. She needed time alone, and Alison respected that. She looked at her dog, who was staring at a tree out back.

“Would it be too inconvenient for you to take Lupo?” Alison asked.

At least then she knew that Emily wouldn’t be alone. And she knew Emily wouldn’t do anything stupid while he was with her, because she took care of living breathing things.

“No. I’ll take him.”

“And Em, promise me…”

“I will. I’ll come back.”

Emily couldn’t get out of the house fast enough. The image of her aiming that knife at Alison had really upset her. She ran herself hard. She always did. Sometimes that’s the only way she could get her emotions to settle.

Lupo was a good running partner. He had stamina and never tired out. And he thought it was a game, so he kept up with her. When she ran out of steam she finally slowed down.

She leaned over, sweat dripping down her brow. She gripped her knees with her hands and tried to catch her breath. She’d run herself so hard that her stomach felt like it was curling in on itself. She looked over at the dog with a smile on her face.

“You win.”

He wagged his tail. He was panting heavily, his tongue lolling out of his mouth. He looked like he was smiling. He also looked incredibly thirsty.

“Come on. Let’s get you some water.”

She stood up. The tightness in her muscles started to dissipate. She stretched her back and grimaced. She could always feel her injuries after she exercised. Sometimes when she turned and arched her back the wrong way she could feel where the knife had gone into her back. And when she rolled her shoulder she could feel the shrapnel in her body. Her lower back and her side were killing her, but the emotional pain was far worse than the physical pain.

She walked over to the brick building across the street. She’d used the library quite a bit for research in trying to find the man she was certain was torturing her. He was basically a ghost.

Next to the building there was a double water fountain. One was elevated for people going by. The other was a small spigot closer to the ground that had been designed specifically for dogs. Emily bent down and turned the spigot on, letting Lupo lap up the water.

Once he was finished she turned the water off. When she stood up something caught her eye. Just around the side of the building where the side entrance was she saw a man standing next to wall with a phone attached to it. It was mounted on the wall and had a cord tethered to the receiver. He chatted with someone for a few minutes and then hung up.

Emily walked over towards the phone. The man saw her and moved aside, thinking she needed to use it. Emily took a closer look. On the body of the phone there was a label with a neatly printed phone number on it.

She recognized it immediately. She’d memorized the number on that business card she’d found at her old house.

Above the phone there was a note that had been scrawled that said, _“Please keep all calls under 5 minutes.”_

“What’s this phone for?” Emily turned to the guy, who was pulling a cigarette out of a pack.

“It’s a public access phone. Belongs to the library. Anyone can use it.” He shrugged. “Our tax dollars at work. Got to love people running drug deals on our dime.” He spit sarcastically.

“Well, you were just on it. What are you selling?” Emily gave him a hard time.

He laughed.

“I was calling a buddy for a ride.”

“Most people have cell phones nowadays.”

“Some people don’t want to use them for the shadier shit they do. And burners cost money. Besides, some of us don’t _want_ cells.” He lit his cigarette.

Emily couldn’t argue with that. Sometimes she felt like disappearing. And she couldn’t do that if she had a phone that could track her every move.

“Can’t say it’s all bad. I’ve seen some people use it for phone interviews for jobs and shit.” He slipped something in his pocket. He glanced at her tattoo. “You serve?”

“No. I just liked the look of the ink.” She replied dryly.

“You’re a snarky little shit.” He snorted. “You definitely served. When did you get back?”

“A couple of months ago.”

“You see action?”

“More than I care to think about.”

“I hear you.” He rolled up his sleeve to reveal his own army tattoo. “Semper Fi.”

Emily nodded to acknowledge him, but she didn’t say it back. It felt wrong to say it when none of her squad was around to say it with her.

Emily heard a car pulling up. The guy took a puff of his cigarette and took a step towards the parking lot.

“Take care of yourself, kid.” He waved.

Emily watched him go. She saw him carrying himself in the same manner she did. She recognized the wounds of war, even on a complete stranger. She found herself wondering if he thought about putting a gun in his mouth as much as she did.

It was a strange feeling to know that everyone who had been through it all had the same sense of isolation and felt so alone.

She turned around and stared at the number on the phone. She wondered if there was a way to get a recent call log of the numbers that had called the line.

She had an idea. She knew it was a long shot, but she had to try. She could only think of one person who might be able to help. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. She scrolled through until she found his number and then she picked up the public phone and dialed it.

She wasn’t expecting him to answer, so when he did she wasn’t sure what to say.

“Hello?” His voice sounded drastically different. It was gruff and raspy, like he’d taken up smoking. Though she didn’t blame him. “Hello? Who is this? If you’re fucking with me…”

“Caleb, it’s me.”

Now the silence came from his end of the phone.

“Fields?” He asked in surprise.

“What’s up, _Mr. Robot_?”

“Shit. I thought you were dead.”

“Only on the inside.”

“You always were a dark motherfucker.” He scoffed.

“You don’t know the half of it,” Emily uttered. “How’ve you been?”

“Missing a leg and the will to live.”

Caleb Rivers had been one of the army’s top intelligence officers. Until his headquarters had been bombed two years ago. Emily had been the one who pulled him from the rubble and saved him.

“You mean the VA didn’t give you a pill to make everything all better?” She feigned a gasp. “Shocking.”

“Heard about your guys. Fucking sucks. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Tried to join them, but made the mistake of calling for help when I was on my way out. Met this annoyingly hopeful pain in the ass. She saved my life.”

“Damn. Really?”

“Yeah. But I’ve got some dark stuff going on. Kind of worried it might come back around to bite her.”

“You worried you’ll go feral on her?”

“Among other things.” Emily admitted. “I’m worried about my past rearing its head in an ugly way.”

“I always knew you and Ethan had it rough, but I thought you got away from it.”

“You can get away from anything. That doesn’t mean it won’t find you again.”

“You sure you’re not being paranoid?”

“It’s not paranoia if someone is really out to get you.”

“What do you need?”

“I need a favor. Is there any way for you to get a call log on this number?”

“I can try.”

“It’s a public phone. Belongs to the library. Getting a list of incoming calls is going to be tricky.”

“But not impossible.” Caleb was a cocky shit, and that’s what she loved about him. “I like a challenge. You looking for something in particular?”

“I’ll let you know if you find it.” Emily turned around and made sure no one was watching her. “You got a pen? I’ll give you a number to reach me.”

He took her number down. There was a lingering silence on the line. Caleb sighed heavily.

“Emily, seriously, how are you?”

“Still breathing.” _Unfortunately._

“I know what you went through out there. I know what it does to your mind.”

“Yeah.” Emily nervously played with the phone cord. “You taking care of yourself?”

“I get by.”

“Me too.”

“This girl you met…is she nice?”

_She’s fucking perfect._

“Nicer than I deserve.” Emily thought about how calm and patient Alison had been with her in the kitchen, even though she was clearly dealing with her own issues. It dawned on Emily that Alison had sidelined her own problems to help her. “What about you? Are you seeing anyone?”

“Only if you count my right hand.”

“What did the left one do to piss you off?”

Caleb huffed out a laugh.

“It’s good to hear your voice, Fields.”

“Yeah.” Emily muttered. “Yeah, you too, Rivers.”

“Don’t be a stranger, okay?”

“I’ll be in touch.” Emily promised.

They both knew it was a lie. But it was a lie they were willing to accept in their reality. Knowing that they had someone who understood and actually reaching out to them were two completely different things.

By the time she got back to Alison’s place, Alison had already left for work. Emily felt guilty for running out on her, but she knew if she’d stayed cooped up she was going to lose it.

She took a shower, but she still felt restless, so she went back out. She was trying to keep herself occupied…trying to think of anything other than the rising urge to jump in front of a bus.

While Emily was out wandering the town, Alison was at work worrying about Emily’s state of mind. She’d seen Emily have violent flashes before, but she’d never pulled a weapon on her. And on top of that she was still reeling from her own guilt. She felt like she was hiding a part of herself from Emily, and it felt like she was back in high school again…like she was that repressed little girl her mother and father hated. And it made her hate herself.

She was sitting at her desk staring off into space and aggressively gnawing on a pen cap. Aria saw the dark circles under her eyes. No amount of concealer could hide her massive hangover. She walked over to her and put her hand on Alison’s shoulder, startling her out of her trance.

“Ali, why don’t you take the day off?”

_Because people die when I take the day off._ And her conscience was heavy enough.

“I’m fine.”

“You clearly got completely trashed last night. You look like the walking dead.”

“Just what a girl wants to hear to make her feel beautiful.”

“I’m not here to make you feel beautiful. I’m here to tell you not to be a dumbass. Go home.”

“I’m good, Aria.” She grit her teeth together. “It’s not like I haven’t repressed my visits to my brother before.”

Her phone line rang and she picked it up.

“Suicide hotline. How can I assist you?”

Her work gave her something to do. It gave her a sense of purpose. It made her forget all the horrible things she’d done. So she buried herself in it. She spent all day helping others while avoiding her own feelings.

When her shift was over she went home and found a pleasant surprise waiting on her. Emily had not only gone out of her way to make her another meal, but she’d livened up the kitchen with freshly picked flowers.

“Breakfast _and_ dinner? What, are you running a restaurant on the side?”

“I don’t mind cooking. It keeps my mind busy.” Emily gave her a timid smile. She still felt bad about how their morning had started.

“And how is your mind?” Alison put her things down on the counter.

“Uh…better?” It came out more like a question than a definite answer. “I think. I don’t really know. I’ve got this…uh…it’s like my mind is always at 100.” She moved a few wisps of hair out of her face. “How was your day? Stop anyone from pulling a ‘me’?”

“I talked to a couple of people.” Alison nodded. She stared at the flowers in the middle of the table. “You picked these for me?”

“Yeah, well, the grocery store didn’t have an _‘I’m sorry I pulled a knife on you and almost stabbed you’_ card.”

“I wonder why. There’s such a market for that.” Alison laughed softly.

“How’s the hangover?”

“A stark reminder that I’m not 21 anymore and that a simple Tylenol and Gatorade won’t cut it.” She rubbed her eyebrow. “Look, about that…I really am sorry.” She was supposed to be setting an example for Emily. She wasn’t supposed to need rescuing. “I asked you to come here because I wanted to give you a place with no complications and to be there for you when you needed it. I’m supposed to be helping you cope with your pain, not piling mine on top of yours.”

“You said it yourself…we all have pain.” She glanced at the kitchen.

Emily wondered how hard it was for Alison to be in the very spot where her parents were killed. It sure as hell wasn’t easy for her to face her past. Going back to her childhood home had nearly destroyed her. She probably would have sold the house and never looked back.

“You were trying to tell me something.” Emily looked at her. “Before I flipped out this morning.”

“Oh, yeah. It…it was nothing.”

Emily knew a lie when she heard one. She could also tell that Alison wanted to tell her. Alison saw Emily staring at her with an inquisitive look. The brunette wasn’t pushing her, but Alison could feel a sense of urgency in her brain needling her to come clean.

“You’re wondering why I didn’t get the hell out of dodge, right?” Alison asked.

“It can’t be easy being here.”

“A lot of terrible things happened here.” She ran her fingers across the marble countertop. “But a lot of wonderful things happened here, too.” She glanced at the stove. “My grandmother…” The only person in her family other than her brother who had been worth a shit, “…she taught me how to make snickerdoodles right over there.” She pointed to the oven with a smile on her face.

She moved to the side a few paces and started walking through the kitchen.

“And my brother encouraged me to take my first steps right here.” She stopped a few feet short of the table. “Aria and I snuck in here during a sleepover and had our very first beers when we were twelve.”

She looked around.

“Spencer and I put our very first college project together over there.” She pointed towards the pantry. “Cece and I used to pull all-nighters here. We never would have survived without old faithful.” She stopped and put her hand on the coffee machine. “We’d get really philosophical about life.”

Emily noticed the glaring omission of Alison’s parents, though she wasn’t surprised.

“There are a lot of memories in this house. I couldn’t ever put a price on them. And I don’t want one bad memory to sully everything good that happened here.”

“How do you do that?” Emily asked curiously.

“Do what?” Alison cocked her head in confusion.

“Pick and choose what memories to live with.”

“I don’t.” She looked over towards the corner where she’d watched three people bleed to death. “I accept the bad. I accept it, because I know I can’t change it.”

“Can I ask?” Emily questioned.

Alison knew what she wanted to know. She nodded her head.

“What was it like?” She peered where Alison was looking, assuming that’s where the fight had happened. “I mean…that day?”

Alison felt her guilt creeping up her spine again.

“It was just a lot of…chaos. Lots of fighting and yelling.”

“Do you ever get mad at him?”

“I mean, he’s dead, so…”

“No, not your father. Jason.”

The innocent question cut her to the bone. Because of course Emily would wonder that. She didn’t know the truth.

“I…”

She looked at Emily’s big brown eyes and she realized something. The realization felt like a physical slap across her face.

_I can’t lie to her._

“I can’t do this.” Alison’s shoulders dropped. She looked like a beaten puppy. “Not with you.”

She sat down at the table. Emily mirrored her actions, sitting next to her.

“Okay. We don’t have to talk about it.”

“It’s not that…” Alison heaved out a breath and looked up at her. “I lied to you. About my brother.”

“What? He’s not in jail?” Emily asked. “Who’d you go visit then? You got some Charles Manson fixation on some beefy slab in there?”

It was so unexpected that it made Alison laugh.

“No.” _I only have eyes for you._ She reached across the table and cupped Emily’s hands. Emily could feel her shaking.

“Alison, what’s wrong?”

“You asked me something that day in our private session…about why I do what I do…” Alison started talking before she could stop herself. “You said I was trying to make up for all my past wrongs…that I did it out of guilt.”

“I’ve said a lot of cruel things that I don’t mean…”

“No, you were right. I do it because of my guilt. Not just because of the people I tormented in high school. But because my brother is in prison because of me. He was protecting me.”

“He didn’t have a choice. They attacked him…”

Alison looked away from Emily, staring at the area of her remodeled kitchen. It had looked very different that day.

“I told you an abbreviated version of the truth.” Alison swallowed a knot in her throat. “The truth is…he’s _still_ protecting me.” She slowly forced herself to look at Emily again. “He didn’t do it, Emily.” She took a breath. “I did.”

She still remembered the queasy feeling she’d gotten in her stomach when she’d come home from Jason’s apartment to find her parents and her father’s friend Darren waiting for her in the dining area.

Her brother was right behind her with his truck so they could pack up her things, but being alone was terrifying for her, especially when she saw the look on her father’s face.

_“Alison, we’ve been worried sick. Where have you been?”_ Her mother had glared angrily at her.

Alison knew that in her absence, her father had probably been taking his pissy attitude out on her mother, which in turn made her mother just as unbearable as her father.

_“Worried? Yeah, right. Like you actually give a shit.”_ Alison had tried to make a move towards the staircase, but her father had blocked her path.

_“You will not speak to your mother that way.”_ Her father had grabbed her arm.

_“Why not? You do.” _She’d yanked free of his grasp and stared angrily at him.

_“Hey, is that any way to treat the two people who have given you such a beautiful life?”_ Darren had stepped in.

_“What’s HE doing here?”_ Her voice was laced with venom.

She hated him with a passion. He had a cocky air of confidence in his stride. He charmed everyone he met, but Alison could see right through him. Ever since her father had made the marriage arrangement Darren had been showing up more often. He looked at her in ways that made her feel uncomfortable. He exuded a disgusting amount of egotistical authority. He had a domineering presence, like he couldn’t wait to have her…to _own_ her.

The fact that her parents were pushing her off on him made her feel sick.

Her dad took Darren’s side, immediately scolding her.

_“Alison, you won’t be rude to our guest. Darren has been a wonderful friend to this family…”_

Because he was a fucking pedophile who wanted her in his bed.

_“This behavior of yours is unbecoming of you. There will be no more running off and sneaking around.”_

_“Yeah, heaven forbid your children-groping priest at church find out that your daughter is a big old lesbian.”_

_“Don’t you get smart with me, young lady. From here on out you are to check in with me, your mother, or Darren every day…”_

_“You can’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do. I’ll be eighteen soon.”_

_“You’re also still completely dependent on us. Your car is in our name. You live under our roof. You don’t have the means to support yourself.”_

_“Well, I’ll FIND the means. It’s sure as hell better than you passing me off to some sicko who likes to diddle little girls.”_

_“Alison, it isn’t like that.” _Darren scowled at her. She saw a raging hot hatred in his eyes, something she was certain he would take out on her at a later date.

_“Fuck off, Darren. I don’t care how much my parents are paying you…”_

_“That is enough!”_ Her mother yelled.

_“I can’t believe you.”_ Alison spun to face her mother, her face red and angry. _“How can you be okay with this? How can you tell me it’s wrong to love girls but force HIM on me?”_

Her mother didn’t respond. She just stared at her daughter with glassy eyes.

_“Mom, why won’t you do something about this?”_ Alison cried.

_“Your father is right. We’ll not have you shame this family with your deplorable choices. I trust Darren far more than some slutty little temptation you feel is the flavor of the week.”_

_“Fuck you. Fuck both of you. I’m going to stay with Jason…”_

_“No, you most certainly will not. Your brother is unwell.”_ Her mother had a stony look of resolve on her face. _“I’ve been meaning to put in a call to Radley Sanitarium…”_

_“You are NOT sending him to a nuthouse.”_

_“He needs help, Alison.”_

_“You’re only doing this because you can’t control me anymore. You’re just looking for any excuse to keep me under your thumb. And it’s not going to work.”_

_“You need to calm down. You’re getting hysterical.”_ Darren took a step towards her, but she moved away from him.

_“What would people think if they knew you were just WAITING for the clock to run down on a minor just so you can’t get into her panties, Darren?”_ She spit. _“I swear if any of you does ANYTHING to Jason I’ll make sure you all go down for this. I…I’ll call the FBI.”_

Her parents just laughed. Darren rolled his eyes.

_“And tell them what?”_ Darren asked. _“Who is going to believe you?”_

Jason did. Having her brother stand by her side had given her a newfound confidence she hadn’t had before.

_“I will NEVER marry you.” _

Darren’s cheeks flushed in anger. He snatched her arm and squeezed it tightly. He grabbed her face with his other hand, pressing his fingers into her cheeks, forcing her to face him. He kept his voice low, so her parents couldn’t hear exactly what he was saying.

_“I WILL have you.” _He looked over her body and grinned sadistically. _“I’ll make you forget every impure thought you’ve ever had. I will claim what is rightfully mine.”_

_“Too fucking bad I’m not a virgin. You want to know how many women I’ve let inside of me? How many times I’ve yelled their names?”_

Her parents looked horrified, but Darren’s lips twisted into a smirk.

_“Your experimental conquests don’t count.”_

_“You’ll never be able to please me like a woman can.”_ She got a snarky look on her face. She leaned forward and smirked evilly. _“I’ll never come for you.”_

_“Alison!”_ Her mother exclaimed in disapproval. _“What a vile thing to say.” _

_“What’s vile is you two trying to set me up with this piece of shit. You think it’s wrong for me to like girls, but what does it say about you that this man you want me to be with wants to have sex with a CHILD?”_

_“That’s quite enough. You’ve upset your parents enough for one night.” _Darren raised his hand like he was going to hit her.

He never got the chance. There was a loud clang and then a large fist swinging in towards Darren. She saw a flash of Jason’s blonde hair and heard him growl angrily.

_“Get the fuck away from her.”_

Jason had seemingly come out of nowhere. No one had seen him come in the house. He tackled Darren to the ground, knocking over his father in the process. He drew back to throw a punch at Darren’s face.

_“If you ever touch my sister again I swear I’ll fucking kill you…” _

_“Jason!”_ His mother cried as she ran towards the fight. _“Get off of him!”_

Alison’s father got to his feet. He grabbed his son and pulled him away from Darren. He held him back as Darren pulled himself up off of the floor. Jason elbowed his dad in the face and managed to get away from him.

He lunged towards Darren again, but Darren grabbed a knife from the cutlery set and sliced into his arm. Jason hissed and tried to back off, but Darren dug the knife into his thigh. When Darren drew back to strike again, Jason pulled a gun from his waistband.

Before he could get a shot off, his dad struck him in the head with a heavy decorative bowl. The hit jolted Jason. He dropped his pistol.

The gun bounced off of the floor and the men started to subdue Jason. Alison bent over without thinking and picked the weapon up. Alison saw Darren raising the knife again, this time towards Jason’s throat.

Jason dodged the knife and looked up and saw Alison holding the gun. He saw the look in her eyes. He managed to get away from his dad and Darren.

_“Alison, don’t!” _

He’d only brought the weapon as a way to protect himself and intimidate his parents if he needed to. He never would have put his little sister in the position of staring over the barrel of a gun. He’d lived that life overseas. He didn’t want that for Alison. He knew she’d carry it with her for the rest of her life.

She was only aiming to fire a warning shot, but once she squeezed the trigger something came over her. All of her bottled up frustration and anger poured out of her, and she couldn’t stop. Jason dived on to the floor to avoid the bullets. No one else in the kitchen had seen her grab the weapon.

The first bullet went through Darren’s temple, tearing through his face and continuing its trajectory until it hit her father in between his eyes. Both men dropped to the floor. The second bullet pierced the wall by the china cabinet. The third one ricocheted and struck her mother above her left eye.

Alison finally pulled her finger away from the trigger. The sudden quietness struck her. The arguing was over.

Jason lifted his head and looked at the men next to him. They were covered in blood. He’d seen enough on the battlefield to know they were dead. His mother looked dead, too. His next priority was his little sister.

Alison covered her mouth when she saw the gory scene. She let out a strangled cry.

What had she done?

_“I…oh my God.”_ Alison slid to the ground, the gun still in her hand. _“Oh my God, I killed them.”_

Jason stood up and limped over to her. He leaned down in front of her.

_“Give me the gun…”_

_“Did you not hear me? I KILLED our parents!”_

_“Give. Me. The. Gun,” _he said calmly.

She did as she was told. He holstered the weapon and then gently picked her up off of the floor, moving her to a chair.

_“Are you hurt?”_ He asked.

_“I killed them.”_

_“Ali, listen to me. You’re in shock. You came in and saw us fighting. You tried to stop it, but Darren shoved you and then stabbed me. I shot him. I shot him because he was coming back at me with the knife, and I was afraid that he would kill us both. And mom and dad accidentally got caught in the crossfire.” _

_“What?”_

_“Say it. I need to hear you repeat it. Word for word.” _

_“But you didn’t…” _

_“You are not going to fucking prison over this. This was not your fight. It’s my job to protect you. And I’m sorry I’ve been away and I haven’t been there for you. But I can protect you now.” _

_“Jason, I can’t…” _

_“I’ve killed people. I’ve killed innocent people that were caught up in war.”_ There was a darkness in his eyes. _“You have no idea what I did when I was overseas. The people I hurt…the people I tortured. Trust me, me going to jail for this is a form of karma.” _

_“No. No one has to go to jail. We…we say it was self-defense.” _

_“We don’t get to decide the charges. And I’m not leaving your fate in the hands of our justice system, especially given they might try you as an adult. Now tell me what happened.” _

_“I…I came in and saw you fighting.” _

_“Good.” _

_“When I tried to stop it, Darren shoved me and grabbed a knife and stabbed you. They were going to hurt us. They were going to hurt us, so you stopped him.”_

_“Again.”_

Alison repeated it several more times.

Jason cupped Alison’s cheeks in his large burly hands.

_“This never leaves this house. Do you understand me?”_

Alison nodded weakly.

_“Okay, I’m going to call the police, but before I do I want you to practice one more time.”_

Alison started to recite the story again. And she sounded shaky and unsure and nervous, all things that Jason knew the police would equate with shock. She looked like someone who had seen one of the worst things in the world happen, and it was going to be her saving grace.

As Alison was in the middle of her story, they heard a groan. Jason spun around. He hadn’t expected any survivors. When they looked towards the noise they saw their mother’s head roll to the side, her mouth open, a horrible noise coming out of it.

_“Oh, fuck. Mom?”_ Jason raced over to her. He leaned down and checked her pulse. How the hell was she still alive?

He had a horrifying thought that he regretted immediately about how their story could fall apart if she woke up. But the thought was brief and passed quickly. This was a living breathing human being. _His mother_. She was horrible, but she’d given him life. Plus the chances of her actually regaining consciousness and remembering exactly what happened were very slim.

He called 911.

Alison had stayed in the chair the whole time, in shock. She’d buried that night deep in her brain and hadn’t revisited it since.

Until she told Emily the truth.

Emily listened as Alison told her side of the story, a story that Emily just so happened to believe still justified what happened to her horrid parents and that disgusting pedophile of a man.

“My brother is in prison for something I did.” Alison was crying.

“It was self-defense.” Emily reached up to wipe away her tears.

“But it wasn’t. A little part of me…a little part of me _wanted_ it to happen. I wanted them to cross that line, because I wanted them out of my life. For good. I’m a terrible person.” She lowered her head and started to weep. “What kind of person kills her parents and then lets her brother take the fall for it?”

Alison pushed her chair out and stood up. She angrily swiped at the tears on her face. She hated that she was like this. She hated that she was crying in front of Emily.

“You were right about me, Emily. Everything I do…I’m overcompensating…and trying to make up for it. I’ve been trying to make up for it since the day that it happened. I do what I do because I have an obligation to help people. It was a promise I made to Jason before he went to jail. But what right do I have…telling other people to face their demons when I can’t look mine in the eyes? I’m a fake. Everything I stand for is fake.”

She turned away from Emily, ashamed of her past. Ashamed of not being able to fight back against her demeaning parents. Ashamed that when she _had_ fought back she’d taken it too far.

Emily recognized the pain…the self-hatred immediately. She knew exactly how low Alison felt at that moment. Because Emily lived her life in that area. And looking at her, watching her break, she realized she never wanted to see anyone in the amount of pain that she was in, especially not Alison DiLaurentis.

Emily reached out, taking Alison’s hand. The blonde’s fingers wrapped around Emily’s with no hesitation. Emily reached up with her free hand and softly put her palm against Alison’s cheek.

“Alison, you are the only real thing in my life.” There was nothing about the girl that was fake.

She could feel Alison shaking. She pulled her in close to her body. She kissed her forehead with a delicacy that Alison had never felt before. She hugged Alison tightly, resting her chin against her fair blonde hair. Emily cradled the back of Alison’s head, and she was reminded of something her father had once said to her when she was a little girl.

_“Love someone for who they are. Not who they used to be.”_

Alison sure as hell didn’t judge her on her past. Emily didn’t judge Alison either.

“Listen to me. Whatever demons you have in your past, they’re not a reflection of who you are now. Who you are _now_ is the person who pulled me back from the brink of death. Who you are _now_ is the person who cared enough to fight for me when I wouldn’t fight for myself. Who you are _now_ is beautiful.”

Alison smiled tearfully. She nuzzled close to Emily, feeling safe, feeling secure. She relaxed against her, laying her cheek against Emily’s chest as she embraced her. She had such a solid physique. The beat of Emily’s heart against her ear lulled her into a state of comfort.

As Emily stood in the very spot where three people had died, holding her and caressing the back of her head, Alison realized something. Neither one of them was alone anymore.

When they were together their pasts didn’t matter. They were both on a path to healing and they were on it together. They were taking the broken fragments of their lives and piecing together a beautiful work of art. At the very least, they had each other.

* * *

**A/N:** _Seeing as how this chapter dealt with domestic abuse (and sexual advances towards a minor), I feel it’s beyond important for people to know where to seek out help. There are numerous ways to reach out for help, but the main one in the states is the Domestic Abuse Hotline. (1) 800-799-7233. There are also resources in other countries. There are numbers you can call for help if you’re ever in a dangerous situation. Never be afraid to ask for help. Know there are people out there who will always believe your story, no matter what anyone says._


	10. Anger Management

**A/N: ** _Caution: this chapter is a rollercoaster of feels. Sensitive material alert._

* * *

**Chapter 10:**

**Anger Management**

Alison felt a mixture of guilt and relief after she admitted the truth to Emily. The last thing she wanted to do was pile her trauma on top of Emily’s, but at the same time she knew they could never truly move forward if Emily didn’t know the full story.

She thought that maybe Emily would open up more about her past, but Emily was still a steel trap. She was soft with Alison, but she kept her at a distance. Alison knew the basics. She knew that Emily had watched her father die and that things had been really rough on her after her mother remarried. But she didn’t elaborate.

Emily still disappeared sometimes without telling Alison where she was going. But that was only because the things she was doing behind her back were dangerous.

Caleb had gotten her a list of phone numbers that had called the public access phone. Every day for two weeks she set up shop near the phone. She watched the traffic to and from the library during different times of the day. She used the internet to start tracking down some of the phone numbers on her list.

Her morning routine was always the same:

Get up. Take her meds. Leave Ali a sweet note. Exercise if she felt like it. And then it was off to find out whether or not the bastard was still anywhere near town.

Her latest conquest was someone who lived around the block from the library. She had taken a bus to a crossroads and had stopped long enough for coffee to keep her awake.

She had slept like shit the past several nights, which her doctor told her was a side effect of her poor health. Her liver wasn’t completely failing, but it was deteriorating.

She’d felt pretty decent when she got up that morning. She’d gotten up early to take a jog around the block with Lupo.

After she’d fed him she’d left a note for Alison to let her know that she was going out for a little while so she wouldn’t worry when she woke up.

Lupo had looked at her with his big sad eyes when she walked by his leash and left without him. She’d seen him staring out the window. It had made her feel bad. But she didn’t want to put him at risk.

The morning had been going fairly smooth. No one had really paid any attention to the fact that she was hanging out and watching the phone usage, listening in the hopes that someone would say something that would get her the information she needed.

She saw one person calling for a ride, two drug deals, and a homeless man trying to bumble his way through a phone interview for a job.

She packed it in after a while and went to find a place to stake out the nearby house. She watched the house all day, waiting for some kind of activity.

She couldn’t help but laugh about Hollywood’s depiction of stake outs. Nine times out of ten they were boring as hell. Sitting, staring, waiting for something to happen, needing to pee, but having nowhere to go.

At the very least, she had a sketchpad and could occupy her time while drawing portraits of Alison. She liked drawing the blonde. It soothed her.

At 3:30 a car pulled into the driveway. Emily watched carefully. An over-tired looking woman climbed out of the front seat wearing clothes that were at least two sizes too small for her. A lanky looking teen climbed out of the passenger’s side. He had earbuds in his ears and was looking at the world with indifference. The woman leaned into the back seat and emerged a few seconds later with a toddler on her hip.

Emily had a feeling that the person who’d called the public phone was the boy or his mother. Either the boy was calling a secret girlfriend, or the woman…who had on a wedding band…was calling a secret boyfriend.

After another hour a rusty old pick-up truck pulled in next to the car. A tall lanky man who looked like the embodiment of Eminem from the early 2000s stepped out.

_Definitely not who I’m looking for._

Emily reached in her pocket and crossed yet another address off of her list of suspects. She only had about seven left. Then she would be back to square one. She knew she was chasing a ghost, but she didn’t care.

She started on her way back to the library to see if anyone else would show up to use the phone. She was half a block away when she heard someone shout her name.

“Emily?”

She froze. Her hands balled up into tightly wound fists. She hated being surprised.

She relaxed when she saw Charles waving at her. He had on a mesh top and a pair of Go-Go boots he’d been eyeing for the longest time.

“Hey, girl.” When he got closer she could see the body glitter shining on his skin.

“Hey.” Emily smiled. “You got the boots.”

“Mrs. Nancy Sinatra is green with envy.” Charles replied with confidence. Emily had really enjoyed seeing him come into his own.

“Where’s Andrew?” Emily looked around.

Lately they hadn’t gone anywhere without one another.

“He had a late shift last night. He’s catching up on some Zzzs.” Charles shrugged. “You going to the session?”

_Shit._

She had completely forgotten about the group session. It was actually the last thing she wanted to do. She hated sitting around waiting for Alison to ask her to talk about her feelings. She wanted to get in as much recon as she could.

“Maybe. I’m trying to get some things done today.”

He stuck his lip out in a pout.

“It’s more fun when you’re there.”

Emily had no idea why everyone in that group had latched on to her, but they had. She was like the _Freaks and Geeks_ whisperer. They were all fascinated by her. Despite her gruff attitude, she was always kind to them. She’d give them the shirt off of her back and they all knew it.

“Hanna makes the same snarky comments that I do. I trust her to make decent quips in my absence.”

“Oh, come on! I hear Mona is bringing cupcakes. You know that girl can bake a _mean_ pastry.”

Mona had taken to baking since she’d completed her mandatory therapy. She told everyone it was a Zen habit and that it made her feel in control. And whatever she was doing was working for her, because she was making some five-star desserts.

“Well, I mean…how can I say no to free food?” Emily laughed.

“Yay!” Charles exclaimed. “You want to walk together?”

“I’ll have to catch up with you. I’ve got a few errands I have to run first. Just boring stuff.”

She talked to him for a few minutes and then they parted ways. He waved to her and walked off. She waved back.

She turned away, not knowing that they weren’t the only ones there.

She was so busy looking for ghosts and demons out in the open that she forgot to look in the shadows.

She went back to the library, curious to see if anyone would show up. She pulled her sketchpad out to make herself look busy. She watched the phone for a while.

After an hour a bubbly young blonde sauntered up to it. She looked around. She was young. Maybe sixteen. The phone started ringing and she picked it up. She talked to someone for a few minutes. When she was done she sat down on the bench next to it.

Fifteen minutes later the same teenager Emily had seen get out of the car at the house she’d been watching came strolling up to her. He had a look on his face like he was getting away with murder. He was clearly seeing the girl behind his mother’s back.

_Good for you, little buddy. Parents are assholes. Stick it to them._

She watched them flitter away…happy, young, in love. She realized she had never been any of those things. The last time she remembered being happy was when she was five. Her youth had been ripped away from her. And love had eluded her for the longest time. Though that wasn’t necessarily the case now. She wasn’t sure what was going on with Alison, but she knew she felt _something._

_Alison._

“Shit.” She looked at the clock.

She was late for the group session. She grabbed her things and hurried out the door. She knew Alison would worry, so she texted her to let her know she’d gotten held up running errands.

Emily wasn’t sure how much the therapy was actually helping her. She didn’t feel shiny and new…or anything even remotely close to human.

Alison was trying so hard to get her to open up, but Emily felt more isolated than ever. And she felt bad for feeling that way.

She was halfway to the bus stop when she realized that Alison hadn’t texted her back yet, which was odd. The girl was practically glued to her phone. Then again, if she was in the middle of the session she wouldn’t want to be rude to the people who were sharing their feelings.

The group really wasn’t so bad. A lot of people came and went, but there were quite a few regulars. She’d grown fond of them. Hanna was a blast to hang out with. Charles was the sweetest boy Emily had ever met, and she was so glad that he was finally thriving. Melissa was a little bit of a loner, but she always had time if someone needed it. And Mona was wickedly smart. When Mona and Hanna got together, they came up with some outrageously funny stuff. Comedy routine stand-up kind of funny.

Emily’s phone started vibrating in her pocket. She looked at the screen and saw Hanna’s name. She assumed she was calling to bitch at her for not being there.

“Hey there, hot stuff,” Emily teased. “Your ears must have been burning.”

“Oh my God, Emily, it’s bad. It’s really bad.” Hanna sputtered out nervously.

Emily’s first thought was that something terrible had happened to Alison. And it caused a momentary paralysis of all of her senses. She was frozen in place, feeling her pulse pounding in her entire body. Wild random thoughts were running through her mind.

_All the digging you’ve been doing has conjured up the worst of your past. You fuckwit. You should have left her out of it. _

Then there was a quick change in direction.

_What if it’s some asshole who was friends with that Dickhead Darren guy and they found out the truth and are out to get her?_

She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she barely even realized that Hanna was still talking.

“…we didn’t know. But when Alison didn’t show up…”

Emily’s chest felt like it was caving in. Her heart was beating so fast that her stomach was seizing in pain. She thought she was having a heart attack, but she realized it was just anxiety. Sometimes panic felt more real to her than her physical ailments.

“She’s at the hospital now.”

“Whoa, whoa. Hanna, slow down. What happened?” Emily managed to squeak out.

“Charles was brought into the ER severely beaten an hour ago. Apparently before he blacked out in the ambulance he gave them Ali’s number. We just found out. She didn’t show up to group, so we started to worry. Mona did some digging and she found out.”

Emily felt a flurry of mixed emotions. Alison was okay. But Charles…

“Charles is hurt?” She’d _just_ seen him.

“It’s really bad, Em,” she repeated. “He’s got like…swelling in his brain and shit.”

“Okay, listen…I’m on my way. I’m going to call Ali right now and see if I can find anything else out.”

Hanna sobbed into the phone and Emily tried to calm her down before they said goodbye. When she tried Alison’s phone she didn’t get an answer.

She didn’t wait around for the bus. Instead she hoofed it on foot. The hospital was three miles from the bus station. By the time she got there she felt like she was going to puke. Her side was aching so much that she ended up digging her pain meds out of her bag and taking one.

She found Alison in the ER talking to someone in scrubs. She waited until the doctor walked away and then walked over to the blonde.

Alison turned around and jumped in surprise.

“Emily? What…” She saw her sweat-soaked brow and her cherry-colored cheeks. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Emily reached up, her hand landing against the side of Alison’s neck. “Are you?”

Alison looked tired. And heartbroken. And it pissed Emily off. She wanted to fix it.

“Yeah. What are you doing here?”

“I heard about Charles.” Emily wiped some sweat away from her face. “I tried to call you.”

“I left my phone in my car. After I got the call about him I was so frazzled…”

“How is he?”

“They’re taking him in for surgery now.”

All Emily could picture was the sweet towheaded boy walking away from her just an hour ago. It must have happened right after they’d said goodbye. If only she’d just gone with him…

“What happened?”

“The EMTs didn’t get much out of him. Just my name and number. I’m still not sure why he didn’t give them Andrew’s information. I think he was just that out of it. The doctors don’t know if he’ll remember anything when he wakes up…” She swallowed hard, “…_if_ he wakes up.”

“Fucking hell.”

It hit her like a ton of bricks. She had let herself care again. And it hurt to let the pain of love in. She plopped down in a seat in the waiting room.

“They said it might take a few hours.” Alison glanced at the clock. Emily looked like she was in rough shape. Alison wasn’t sure it was a good idea for her to sit in the waiting area.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Alison knew she wouldn’t be able to talk her out of it, so she took a seat next to her. And they waited.

He was in surgery for almost four hours. They had to drill into his skull to reduce the pressure on his brain. They had to put him on a ventilator.

One by one, everyone from their support group came by to visit him. No one had been able to get in touch with Andrew. No one had his number or knew where he lived. And Charles hadn’t had his phone on him when he was brought in. He didn’t have anyone listed as next of kin on his medical records.

Emily had seen a lot of people torn up from war injuries, but there was something particularly gut-wrenching about coming home and seeing it happen on a bright sunny day in the middle of a sleepy American town.

He was bruised and bloody from head to toe. His face was so swollen that he was barely recognizable. When Emily saw his injuries she felt like she was back on the battlefield.

She could feel the blood draining from her cheeks. But then she felt warmth.

She looked down and saw Alison’s fingers wrapped around hers.

Alison had seen the ghostly look on her face and she knew where her mind was going. When Emily looked up at her Alison squeezed her hand.

“He’s just a kid,” Emily said with tears in her eyes. “Who would do this to him?”

It was a rhetorical question, because in her lifetime Emily had met so many people capable of horrible things. In fact, when she was his age she had done some pretty horrible things. But that’s what war did to people. It made people capable of anything.

“They’re looking at it as a hate crime.” Alison gently touched the young boy’s arm. “They say he had derogatory marks cut into his arms and written on his forehead.” Alison sighed, looking at the bandages around his arms.

“This never should have happened.”

He didn’t deserve this. Charles was sweet. Charles was kind. She had watched him go from a shy insecure boy to a giving and confident young man. He was finally in control of his own life. And some fucking asshole had taken it upon himself to rip that away from him.

She’d seen some awful things overseas, but this attack was different. It was more intimate. It was personal.

Emily felt her anger boiling through her body, pumping through her veins. She hated the world. She hated the state of humanity. She hated her new life. She hated that she cared. She hated that had she just offered to go with Charles he would have arrived safely.

Emily reached up and moved some of his blood-stained hair away from his forehead.

_I’m so sorry, kid._

She moved her hand down against the bandages on his right arm. She could only imagine the hate-filled scratches the gauze was covering. It made her angry. She took a quiet breath and clenched her jaw so tight her teeth started to hurt.

She knew that whoever had done this was still out there, still roaming the streets. And it triggered the same kind of response as knowing that the person who had caused her the most damage in her life was still out there, too. She didn’t know they were one in the same.

She didn’t remember ripping her hand away from Alison or striding towards the door. She only realized she was halfway out into the hallway when she heard Alison’s panicked voice.

“Emily! Where are you going?” Alison chased after her.

Emily didn’t stop.

“I’m going to find out who did this.” _And I’m going to make them pay…_

There were CCTV cameras everywhere. Maybe one had captured something. She would know a bigot’s face anywhere.

“The cops are on it.”

“The cops are corrupt inept assholes…”

Alison knew that Emily had a grudge against the police since the man her mother had married had turned out to be a dirty cop, but she didn’t want her going out there and doing something that could get her injured.

“Hey, stop.” Alison moved in front of her. She didn’t reach out to touch her because she knew Emily wasn’t herself. “Listen to me, this isn’t about…_him_…about your stepfather…”

“Don’t fucking call him that.” Emily’s nostrils flared in a rage.

“Whoever he is…whatever he did…” Alison grimaced. “Not all of the police are…like that.”

“You know, you’re absolutely right. This isn’t about me.” She managed to make it sound like it wasn’t a lie. “This is about that kid in there.”

“Emily…” She tried to argue.

Emily held her hands up to stop her.

“_Don’t_ follow me.” Emily warned her. “Stay here. When he wakes up he’s going to need a friend.”

“Em…” Alison reached out and tentatively took her hand, “…this isn’t going to do anyone any good.”

Emily snatched her hand away.

“We’ll see about that.”

Alison grunted in disapproval and blew an angry breath out through her nose.

_She’s hot when she’s pissed._ It was an odd thing for Emily to notice as she was storming away, but that’s where her brain went.

“You better fucking come home in one piece.” Alison warned her.

“I was never in one piece.” Emily shrugged, walking out the door.

For half a second, Alison thought about going after her. But then she realized that Emily was right. Charles was vulnerable. And she couldn’t leave him all alone. She cared very much about her support group. And she never wanted any of them to be in pain. She knew she couldn’t do anything about Charles’s pain. And she couldn’t do anything about Emily’s either. It was frustrating.

While she sat with Charles, Emily was out running the streets. She searched for hours, talking to people…_threatening_ people. She called Caleb and had him hack into the CCTV cameras. She didn’t find anything.

She ran into a dead end. And when she realized she’d failed, yet again, she fell into a spiral of depression.

As soon as her discouragement took over, she found herself staring into the bottom of a whiskey sour. She had wanted bourbon, but the shithole bar she’d ended up at didn’t have any of the brown liquors she liked.

One drink became two. Two became four. Her vision started going fuzzy. She lost track of time. She didn’t hear her phone when Alison called or texted.

Alison was trying to give her an update on Charles. Hanna had been able to get in touch with Andrew. A few hours after Emily had left the hospital Charles had opened his eyes, but only briefly. Andrew and Alison were by his side when he woke up.

It had been an emotional moment. One Alison was glad she was there for.

After he went back to sleep Andrew told Alison he wanted to stay, so she went home.

Alison had been hoping that Emily would be there, but she wasn’t surprised to find the house empty. She hadn’t started to worry until around midnight. She was afraid Emily had gotten herself wrapped up in something dangerous.

She stayed awake for as long as she could, but she’d been exhausted by the day’s events. She ended up falling asleep around 12:30.

At 1 AM Lupo woke her up. He was barking wildly at something. Alison shot up off of the couch. She heard a thud out on the front porch followed by a string of profanity. She opened the door and found Emily pulling herself off of the ground.

“You’re drunk.” Alison glared at her.

“Keen observation, Captain Obvious.” Emily got to her feet. _Fuck, she’s mad. She’s disappointed. She deserves better._

“Why?”

“Why not?” _I’m going to end up like Charles. Trapped in a bed. Clinging to life. Fuck that._ “How’s Charlie boy?” Emily stumbled forward into the house, nearly tripping over her feet.

Alison grabbed her arm to keep her from falling face first into the floor.

When Alison grabbed her, Emily’s vision went white. Her entire body felt like it was on fire. She felt excruciating pain. She could hear her past cries.

Alison saw the panicked look on her face and quickly let her go. Emily jerked her arm away and started taking deep heaving breaths. Lupo sniffed at the air curiously, watching from across the living room. He always sensed when he needed to keep his distance.

“Em, I didn’t mean to…”

“You didn’t.” Emily interrupted her. “It’s not your fault I’m fucked up.”

“You’re not. You’re hurting. I know you’re in pain.”

“I’m a goddamn raging bitch is what I am.” She wasn’t afraid of a little self-deprecation. _I’m a fucking disappointment. _

“Stop undermining yourself.”

Emily was in no mood for a psychoanalysis. She gripped her throbbing head. She was going to have a hell of a hangover.

“God, do you _ever_ turn the psychobabble off?” She muttered.

“No, because I actually give a shit about you.” Alison snapped.

_Life would be so much simpler if you didn’t._

She looked at Alison. She looked into her eyes, and she was spellbound. Every time she looked at Alison she saw sex in heels. She _felt_ her, clenching around her fingers. She saw her face twisted in ecstasy. But she also saw the delicate side of her…the side of her that held her cheeks when they kissed, and the side of her that reached for her hand in hospital rooms when things were too painful.

_God, I want to fuck her. I want to fuck her so bad. I want to pin her down and just really go at her. I want to suck on her tits as she comes._

“Why the fuck do you care?” Emily asked, tears in her eyes.

“Because I’m fucked up, too!” Alison exclaimed in exasperation. “I’m just as fucked up as you are.” She saw a strange spark in Emily’s eyes and she regretted the way she’d worded it. “That…I mean…that’s not what I…”

“No. You’re right. I _am_ fucked up. I _literally_ just said that. Jesus Christ, I know I’m fucked up.” Emily seemed annoyed. “What sane person takes a cocktail of pills and waits to die by the train tracks?” She sighed, furrowing her brow at Alison. She wanted to kiss her so badly. “You like broken things.”

Alison knew Emily was right.

“I do.” Alison’s tone had softened immensely. “I like the power I feel when I can fix them.”

Emily didn’t respond at first. She rubbed her knuckles nervously.

They had been doomed from the start, and Emily knew it. Looking at Charles in that hospital bed today had only served as a reminder that she was always a day late and a dollar short. She would never measure up. She could never make Alison happy. She was broken beyond repair.

“You can’t fix me.” Emily looked at the floor. “No one can fix me.” She slowly lifted her head to meet Alison’s eyes. “So…save yourself the trouble…and the heartache. Because there is no way that this ends for us that doesn’t cause you pain. Just…walk away, Alison.” _Walk away before you get hurt…before I hurt you. _

Alison saw such a desolate look in the brunette’s eyes. There was a world of turmoil in her gaze. She could actually see that Emily was falling…careening through darkness. She could see her standing on the edge of the cliff.

“I can’t do that.” Alison moved closer.

“Why not?”

Alison reached up to touch her face. She expected Emily to slap her hands away, but Emily just lowered her chin and fought back tears. She felt so unworthy.

“You know why.” Alison moved forward and gently pressed her lips against Emily’s. She could taste the bitter alcohol on them.

Emily didn’t have the willpower to stop her. Alison pulled back and stroked her cheek.

“You’ve known since the moment I met you…”

_Please don’t say it._ Emily thought she might have the strength to walk away if Alison didn’t…

“I love you.” Alison cupped her cheek. “I’m in love with you.”

_Fuck._

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair…because Emily felt the same way. She felt alive with Alison, and that felt worse than death. Because she could _feel_. She could _feel_ everything. And she knew that would destroy Alison. She couldn’t stand the thought of breaking her heart. So instead, she buried everything deep inside and she pushed Alison away…for her own good.

“No.” Emily shook her head. It was the hardest thing in the world to do…to deny that love. “You’re not. You’re in love with the idea of playing the savior. You want to be the hero…”

Alison knew she didn’t mean it. She could read the brunette so well. She knew she was just trying to put on a false bravado. She could see her shaking inside.

“I’m not your brother, Alison. I’m not some fucking project that you can turn into a success story. If you think this has a happy ending you haven’t been paying attention.”

“Why do you do this to yourself?” Alison demanded angrily.

“Because…” Emily stopped.

She looked at the girl in front of her. For a second she thought she might be imagining her. Because she couldn’t be real. No one had ever cared this much. Emily had never even cared this much about herself.

“Because _what_?” Alison ordered her to finish.

Emily closed her eyes and swallowed a drunken gulp of air. She saw Charles in the hospital. She saw her brother on the battlefield. She saw her squad being ripped apart by bullets and blown to bits. She saw her dad in the restaurant. She saw her mother in her coffin. She saw every second of her painful adolescence. And she saw her little sister…

Pain like nothing she’d ever experienced before. She was so angry. And so hurt. And she was at the lowest of the low. She wanted nothing more than to put a bullet in her brain. It was a constant thought in her mind, mocking her, taunting her during her every waking moment.

And all at once, her emotions came crashing to the surface. She felt a white hot rage. She felt the burden of her guilt. She felt the pain of her loss. And everything she was bottling up came to a head.

“Because I would do _anything_ to forget. I would do anything to make it stop.” Emily spun around, her fist flying at the wall before she knew what she was doing.

The crashing sound of her knuckles hitting the wall made Alison jump. Lupo cautiously walked over towards them, whining. Alison shooed him away.

Emily slung her fist towards the wall again. She had so much pain stored inside. She felt like she was leaping out of her skin.

“Stop it.” Alison grabbed her forearm, trying to prevent her from breaking her knuckles.

But Emily was stronger than she was. And she was able to wrench her hand free, jostling Alison off of her.

“Fuck!” Emily growled. Her hits were leaving coats of blood against the drywall.

“You’re hurting yourself.”

“I _deserve_ it!” Emily cried. “I deserve worse!” She felt her heated anger turning into the sorrow she’d been fighting so hard to contain. “It was my fault…” Emily should have been there to protect Charles. She should have been there to protect Ethan. She should have been there to protect Ellie. “I…they should have come home. Not me.” _They should all be alive. _“It’s not fair.”

She crumbled to her knees and started crying. Her knuckles were dripping blood all over the floor. Lupo sniffed at the thick red substance and then looked up at Alison and let out a strange strangled bark.

Alison kneeled in front of the sobbing brunette, taking her tear-stained face in her hands. She forced Emily to look at her. She knew Emily would have a harder time ignoring her if she was looking at her.

“Look at me, Emily.”

Emily did.

“You survived,” Alison said. “You survived and they didn’t. And that’s not your fault.”

Emily nodded, but she was too choked up to reply. All Alison could do was hold her as she wept. And Emily let her. She dug her fingers into Alison’s shirt and buried her face in her chest.

Alison let her cry. She knew there was nothing else she could do.

After nearly half an hour Emily finally slumped into Alison’s arms. She was still holding her tightly.

Alison carefully moved back. She swiped at the tears on Emily’s large puffy cheeks and she motioned for her to stand up. Emily followed her without question. Her outburst had sobered her up.

Alison cleaned and then bandaged her bloodied knuckles. She brought her a fresh pair of pajamas and waited for her to get changed. Emily turned away from her when she pulled her shirt off, leaving her bare back exposed to the blonde. Alison could see the scars from where the knife had gone into her back and through her kidney. And she saw a plethora of other scars sprinkled around her body.

Her tattoos covered some of the blemishes. She had a black and white spiral pattern across her back, covering larger scars where her skin had been cut open. Alison had seen it all before, but every time she saw her scars it made her angry.

Once Emily had changed Alison led her to her bedroom. It didn’t hit Emily that they were in her room until Alison led her over to her bed.

The bed looked terrifying and foreign to her, even though she’d been in it before. The alcohol was coming back on her in the worst way.

“Maybe I should stay in the guest room.” Emily resisted.

“Not tonight. I don’t want you alone down there.”

Emily didn’t argue. She climbed in the bed. Alison crawled next to her. Emily stared at the ceiling for a while…dumbfounded…in shock. She just felt numb. She didn’t realize she was shaking. She didn’t hear her teeth chattering. She was only semi-conscious.

Alison very carefully moved her hand until her fingertips were against Emily’s fingers. When Emily didn’t pull away she gently threaded them together.

“I’m here if you need me,” Alison whispered.

Emily squeezed Alison’s hand, just to make sure it was real…to make sure she was really there.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. And she drifted off to sleep.

She never had dreamless sleeps. Some nights were worse than others. Her nightmares came in different levels. Some she could subconsciously handle. Others were like being ripped apart from the inside, trapped in a hell she couldn’t escape from.

She could feel her heart thrumming. She could hear the sound of blood rushing through her ears. She couldn’t breathe. She saw a pair of beady little eyes glaring down at her.

_“Stop. Please…”_

The room around her started spinning. And then those beady little eyes weren’t looking at her anymore. They were honing in on Ellie as she played with her dolls. She’d accidentally spilled her juice and was trying to clean it up.

The little girl never saw him coming. But Emily did. She saw it all. And she was stuck, frozen, trapped. She tried to claw her way out. She screamed. She pleaded.

_“Take me! Please take me instead!”_

Words she’d once again scream overseas when Nicole was dragged out of their prison cell by the brutes that had captured them.

_“Please take me!”_

But it was no use. She was forced to listen to her baby sister’s cries.

_“I’m sorry, daddy. Daddy, what did I do wrong?”_

_“ETHAN!”_ Emily cried. _“ETHAN, HELP!”_

_“Emmy!”_ Ellie sobbed.

_“Ellie, baby, run! RUN!”_

She saw a large shadow looming over her. And she saw the world around her fading. She heard the sound of gunfire on the battlefield. She saw Scout and her handler, dying together. She saw Wesley’s brain matter scattering through the air like tiny particles of dust.

She felt Ethan’s hand. She heard him telling her to run. Then she felt him being ripped away from her, just like they’d been ripped away from one another at home.

She laid out in the open, begging to die. She felt like she was drowning in her own blood. She stared into the rising sun and slowly closed her eyes.

Death would be a sweet release.

Emily shot up in bed, somehow managing not to wake the sleeping woman beside her. She was panting and her body was drenched in sweat. She felt like she was going to hurl.

_Fucking whiskey._

She pulled the covers off of her legs and swung them against the edge of the bed. She quietly got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. The high of her alcohol was gone and all that was left was a crummy feeling in her body, like she’d been struck by a semi-truck. Her stomach was doing flips. Her liver was pissed.

She stumbled down against the floor, grasping at the toilet bowl so she wouldn’t flounder against the ground. She made a retching sound and then puked into the bowl. The first batch of vomit was all liquor. The second had chunks of blood in it. And the third was brown and smelled and tasted like the bitter grasp of death.

_Well, fuck you very much, too, liver._

When she was sure it was over she stood up. She pulled the toilet cover down over the seat and sat down, burying her face in her shivering hands. Her palms and her face were both dripping with sweat.

She breathed heavily into her hands as flashes of her worst moments replayed on a loop over and over in her head.

She heard a quiet tapping at the door and she jumped.

“Emily?” Alison was trying not to knock too loud. She didn’t want to startle her. “Are you okay in there?”

Emily tried to get control of her breathing.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” She stood up, wiping her tears away.

She pushed down on the handle, flushing the toilet. She glanced in the mirror to make sure she didn’t have vomit all over herself. Her mouth felt dry and cottony and disgusting.

She ran some tap water and sipped on it. Then she grabbed a bottle of mouthwash by the sink and chugged some, swishing it around to get rid of the aftertaste. She double-checked herself in the mirror one final time before she walked over to the door.

When she opened it Alison was standing there in her nightgown. She had her arms wrapped around her upper body, and Emily couldn’t tell if it was because she was worried or cold.

“I’m fine. I just had to go to the bathroom.”

She stumbled into the room, nearly running into the blonde. She felt dizzy from the stress. She tripped over her feet.

She reached for the dresser to steady herself, but her hand missed it by a few inches. She banged her hip against it and then uttered out a frustrated _“fuck”_.

She felt soft warm hands grasping her waist to hold her steady. She turned to face Alison.

Alison could see the bleak look in her eyes. This wasn’t the alcohol anymore. She was completely messed up from something she’d seen in her mind.

“Hey…” Alison said softly, trying to keep the atmosphere calm. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” But Emily could feel the onslaught of her pain crashing into her. “I’m okay. Just drank too much.”

“You are _not_ okay.” This was a look of terror Alison had never seen before. “How bad was it?”

“I…” Emily felt her chest tightening, a sob erupting from her throat. “Ali, I…” She couldn’t breathe and she was starting to panic. And she hated herself. It wasn’t fair for Alison to have to deal with this. “I’m sorry.”

She felt useless. She was supposed to be the one taking care of Alison. She was supposed to be helping her through what Jason was going through.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Emily felt her cheeks flooding with tears. She pushed back against the wall and slid down until her ass hit the ground, automatically bringing her knees up to her chest. Alison leaned down in front of her, her fingers frantically wiping at the wetness on her cheeks.

“Talk to me. What’s going on?”

Emily couldn’t respond. All she could do was shake her head. Her chest felt like it was on fire. She closed her eyes and saw horrors she couldn’t escape from. Her body felt like it was being crushed. It hurt to breathe. She was alone in the dark.

Then she heard Alison’s voice,

“Emily, you’re having a panic attack. But it’s okay. You’re with me. You’re safe. You’re okay.”

Emily felt Alison’s hands on her face.

What was it about her touch that was so soothing? Alison felt like a safe place, like a home she’d never had.

“Just take deep breaths.” Alison continued to coach her through it.

Emily tried to listen to her, but her eyes were filled with dark specks, and she couldn’t see clearly. She felt like she was dying. And she was okay with it. She was okay with giving in. Because she wasn’t doing much living.

But then she felt Alison’s palm against her cheek and there was a brief moment of light. She could see into her eyes. She could feel her passion. She saw Alison’s mouth moving, but she couldn’t hear her.

Emily reached up to touch Alison’s face. Her skin was so warm. She was so soft.

_Her eyes are so bright. Why are her eyes so bright?_

They were leaning in so close to one another that their lips were just inches apart. This was exactly what their first kiss had been like. There had been such an air of tension and untamed energy. They had touched one another just like this.

_And you fucked it up._ Emily told herself. She gasped to catch her breath. She felt like her own body was betraying her.

Alison could see Emily was unfocused, and she knew there was one thing she could do to bring her back, to get her to feel like a normal person again.

She rubbed her thumb against Emily’s jaw and she leaned forward, their lips brushing together. She felt Emily responding, moving in to her. Alison moved closer, giving Emily something to focus on.

Emily’s lips tasted like a mixture of salt and mint. Her tears and mouthwash. Alison moved her mouth and she felt Emily’s lips part as she exhaled a breath against her face.

Emily froze at first. Alison’s lips were just like her, warm and smooth. And caring. So caring that it fucking hurt. Her fingers stiffened against Alison’s face as she pushed back. She slowly pushed herself to her feet, their lips still connected. She felt the moisture returning to her mouth. Alison was like a savory piece of something delicious that made her entire body drip with desire. She dropped her hand to the nape of Alison’s neck and pulled away, panting heavily.

Alison felt herself pulsing, her body begging to be touched. She stared into Emily’s large doe eyes, which were practically black with a lust…a _need_. But when she looked at her she also saw a vulnerability, a softness she hadn’t seen before.

“I…I um…” Alison blinked rapidly. Had she really just kissed her in the middle of a panic attack? _Brilliant fucking timing._ “I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure what else to do. I hope I didn’t…”

Emily cut her off with another kiss. She moved forward, pushing against Alison’s body.

Alison grasped her side with one hand and ran the fingers of her other hand underneath her shirt and up over her chiseled abs.

Emily jumped, but didn’t break the kiss. Alison started to pull her hand away, but Emily grabbed her forearm and pushed it back against her skin, encouraging her to continue. She moved them backwards.

The backs of Alison’s knees hit the bed.

“Is this okay?” Emily broke their kiss long enough to utter the words.

“Only if you want to.” Alison pecked her lips. She reached up and cupped her cheek. “I want you to be sure.”

“I am.” Emily replied without hesitation.

She put her hands underneath Alison’s gown and traced the curves of her thighs. When she reached her hips Emily realized Alison wasn’t wearing any panties.

Alison’s eyes widened. She didn’t want Emily to think she’d been expecting this. It had been the furthest thing from her mind. She nervously pulled back and looked at Emily.

“I…uh…sometimes when I get hot I don’t wear any…this…I wasn’t planning…”

Emily smirked at her. It was the first confident motion Alison had seen in their encounter.

“You talk too much.” Emily slid her fingers in between Alison’s thighs.

Alison exhaled a shuddering breath as she felt Emily thumbing her clit, rubbing her wetness against it.

She toyed with her for a few seconds. She had Alison bucking into her hand within minutes. She pulled her hand away and started to lift Alison’s gown over her head. She wanted to see all of her, to _have_ all of her. She wanted her tits. She wanted her ass. She wanted everything.

She threw Alison’s nightgown to the floor and pulled her own shirt off, leaving her in her sports bra. She wiggled out of her pants, revealing that she had on a pair of boxer-briefs underneath her sweats. Alison traced her tattoos, slowly, seductively. She saw a new story every time she looked at Emily.

Alison pressed a kiss against the scar on Emily’s collar bone, and when she pulled back Emily held her neck with her palms on either side. Alison waited for her to slide her undergarments off, but instead Emily moved forward to kiss her once more. She nipped at Alison’s bottom lip.

“Get on the bed.” Emily instructed.

A warm tingling sensation shot through Alison’s body. She crawled on to the bed, propping herself up on her elbows.

Emily put her hands against Alison’s inner thighs and squeezed them. She could smell the arousal between Alison’s legs. She was already soaked.

Emily kneeled in front of her, smirking. She could easily take her now. Alison was hot and slick and ready. Emily could see her muscles twitching. Emily pulled Alison’s ass closer to the edge of the mattress and smiled seductively at her. She wanted to watch her. And she wanted Alison to see what she was doing.

Emily rolled her finger through Alison’s wetness, taking her time as she felt her. She saw the blonde’s mouth drop open. She could tell that no one had ever made her feel so good…so loved. Emily added a second finger, teasing, barely dipping her fingertips inside of her as she continued to stroke her.

The anticipation was killing Alison. She gripped the bedsheets as her entire body pulsed, waiting for her release. Emily saw her cheeks flushing with color. She grinned as she leaned forward, keeping her eyes locked on Alison’s as she pulled her thighs apart and slid her tongue against her core.

Alison threw her head back and moaned. Unlike when they were in the office, she didn’t hold anything back. She didn’t have to. She dug her other hand into the sheets and twisted the fabric in between her fingers as Emily worked her with her tongue. Her mouth was so fucking skilled. And the fact that Emily was staring at her, watching her as she writhed…it made it so much hotter.

She was so entranced by Emily’s motions that she couldn’t speak. The only noises she could make were cries of pleasure.

Emily delved deeper. Alison tasted even better than she remembered. Alison’s jaw dropped. She started panting, groaning in pleasure. Her thighs tightened against Emily’s cheeks.

She tried so hard to keep eye contact with Emily, but when her orgasm hit her she couldn’t. She tilted her head back and gripped the blankets as she came, loudly. Emily watched it all unfold, and she greedily lapped up the juices spilling out of her.

Alison shuddered. She felt hot and cold at the same time. She felt in control and out of control. She was in lust. She was in love. She was both. She was all of it. Emily had a magical way about her.

When she came down from her high she realized that Emily had moved from in between her legs. The brunette straddled her. She gripped the back of Alison’s neck and held her as she trembled.

Emily lightly kissed her lips, and Alison could taste herself. She’d never been able to taste herself before. Not like this. She liked it. She pulled Emily closer for more. Emily broke their kiss and smiled at her. She pushed her forehead against Alison’s and looked at her.

_Is she real? Is this real?_ Emily stared at her in wonderment.

Alison smiled back and touched her cheek.

“I’m here, Em,” she said quietly.

Emily nodded. She kept her hand against Alison’s cheek, savoring it, savoring her. She pushed her lips against Alison’s again and moved further against the bed, pushing Alison to lie down. Alison didn’t resist. She pulled Emily down on top of her.

Seconds later she felt Emily’s tongue circling her right nipple. She’d learned from their first encounter that Emily was a boob girl. She hadn’t left an inch of her chest untouched.

Emily kissed and caressed. She pinched and sucked. She did things that made Alison feel like she was going to float into oblivion. And just when Alison thought she was ready to come again, she felt Emily move on top of her.

Emily’s pelvis rubbed against where Alison was still sensitive. Alison let out a quiet mewl of satisfaction. The material of her briefs was soft and slid against her effortlessly. And she could feel Emily’s wetness soaking her core. It was both erotic and shy, and exciting and quiet. It was an oxymoron, just like the brunette.

She was at Emily’s mercy.

Emily placed her hand between Alison’s legs and started rubbing her again. Alison nearly lost her mind. Her nerve endings felt like they were on fire. Emily stopped, which garnered Alison’s attention.

“What’s wrong?” Alison asked.

“Can I?” Emily whispered, gently pushing her fingers against Alison’s entrance.

Emily couldn’t help but think about the last time they’d done this. She’d hurt her. She hadn’t meant to, but she had. She remembered the look on her face. It still bothered her.

“Please.” Alison pressed her lips against Emily’s shoulder. Her lips brushed a scar near her clavicle, and Alison found herself angry at whatever had hurt her.

“Are you sure, Ali?” Her breath came out hot and heavy against Alison’s face.

Alison wasn’t sure about anything.

Except for Emily.

She reached up to cup Emily’s cheek with her right hand.

“I want this. I want _you_.” _Only you._

The second she said it she felt Emily push her fingers forward and curl them gently. Her body arched up into Emily’s immediately. She almost laughed at how quickly she felt her peak building.

_Fuck. I’m one of those sad thirsty bitches…_

She felt Emily’s lips against hers and she kissed her back with as much fervor as she could muster.

Emily was good…so good that Alison could barely react with anything other than cries and moans. She dug her fingernails into Emily’s back as Emily rode against her, her fingers moving in, curling, and moving back out. She’d tease Alison’s clit briefly before re-entering each time.

Unlike their first time, Emily took her time. She was gentle and thoughtful. And she _looked_ at her. She never broke eye contact. It felt like an entirely new experience. Every time Emily pushed forward she kissed her, nibbled her lip, uttered out beautiful she was.

No one had ever been able to make Alison orgasm multiple times, but Emily managed it, barely breaking a sweat. She knew what she was doing. She knew exactly where to touch her. It’s like Alison’s body was a canvas and Emily was a practiced painter dedicated to each stroke of her paintbrush.

She groaned every time she felt Emily move in her. She could barely catch her breath, and she didn’t have the mental capacity to tell Emily how fucking _good_ she was, so she just showed her in her actions…in her cries.

She bit down on Emily’s shoulder and grunted against her skin, the vibration nearly driving Emily insane. Alison pulled back and placed a kiss against the mark she’d left.

She felt Emily’s body, heavy against hers. And she felt the heat between their hot sweaty skin, sticking together in the best way. The way Emily was touching her, Alison was certain she was heading for the most intense orgasm of her life.

She could feel Emily’s heat and wetness underneath her briefs, but she wanted more. She had to feel more. She gripped Emily’s ass cheeks, pulling her closer, pushing Emily’s fingers deeper, which nearly caused her to lose consciousness.

Alison slid one hand against her hip. She reached into the front of Emily’s underwear to try and touch her, but Emily broke their kiss and roughly grabbed her hand.

Emily jerked Alison’s arm up, her long agile fingers squeezing her wrist tightly. She pulled her other hand out from between Alison’s legs and grabbed her other wrist, leaving Alison empty and craving her now more than ever. Emily pinned her down. Alison peered at her curiously.

“Don’t move.” Emily ordered with a husky voice. It almost sounded like she was shaking. “Or I’ll stop.”

There wasn’t a hint of lust or seduction in the movement. It seemed purely defensive. The control had shifted, and Alison couldn’t figure out why. It bothered her that Emily wouldn’t let her touch her.

Emily gently released her wrists, leaving them next to Alison’s face. Her eyes flickered to Alison’s lips. She moved back down and their mouths naturally fell together in a rhythm again. Emily played with Alison’s engorged clit.

“I need you in me, Em. I need to feel you,” she begged. “Fuck me. _Please_.”

Emily grinned into their kiss and slammed into her again. Her gentleness was giving way to something more primal. Something their bodies were both craving. She started thrusting roughly. Alison’s vision burst into a wall of bright white stars. Emily was hitting something inside of her that was turning her into a burning hot mess.

“Harder.” Alison grunted.

The brunette used her hips to generate more friction and Alison felt a world of difference. She was falling over the edge.

Her body was hot and tight and wet…everything Emily made her. Her stomach was burning. Her thighs were shaking. Her insides were pulsating and beating like the rhythm of her erratic heart. And she felt it hit her. She felt a paralyzing wave of pleasure and she was sinking, drifting below the warm surface. Her entire body felt like it was on fire.

“Come.” Emily whispered in her ear as she curled her fingers and held them in place. “Come for me, Alison.”

Alison would have done anything Emily asked her to do. And Emily knew it. Emily watched Alison’s face tighten in ecstasy. She saw her blue eyes darken as her pupils dilated. She felt her body seize and then shake uncontrollably. A hot liquid seeped through Emily’s fingers and down Alison’s legs. And through it all, Emily held her. She watched her. She gently brought her down from it.

Their chests were heaving. Their breathing was ragged. And their bodies were wet and intertwined. Emily used her index finger to comb Alison’s sweaty hair away from her face. She rolled to the side and pulled Alison against her body and held her.

Alison couldn’t think. She couldn’t speak. Instead she looked at the traces of ink on Emily’s body. She wanted to know all about the tattoos, but every time she asked Emily just uttered that she was drunk every single time she went to the parlor.

Even so, they still told a story. The patterns and designs were woven together in a piece of art that was simply Emily. It was her life aesthetic.

Alison stared at her scars, scars that she went to a lot of trouble to try and hide. But she was slowly starting to show them…to open up to her.

When Alison was finally able to breathe again she pressed a kiss against Emily’s shoulder and smiled up at her. Every time Emily saw that smile she fucking melted.

“This is still my favorite kind of therapy.” Emily smirked.

“We really have to stop meeting like this.”

Alison felt Emily’s body jostle when she chuckled.

“Meetings like this are my favorite.” Emily kissed the top of her head.

It was more meaningful…it felt more intimate than the first time they’d had sex. That had been hurried and frenzied and the heat of the moment. This had been kinder. Gentler. It had a quiet passion.

Alison felt Emily stroking her arm, drawing invisible lines with her fingertips. It relaxed her. Before too long, she was asleep in the brunette’s warm comforting embrace.

Emily felt her breathing softly against her chest. She looked down at the blonde in her arms, her nude body nestled against her like they were meant to be molded together.

She saw Alison’s eyes flickering. She watched as her lips twitched, curling into a smile as she nestled closer to Emily unconsciously.

Emily looked at her, _really_ looked at her, memorizing her features, taking note of her curves. And she realized something.

_Shit. I love her. _

She was dying. And she loved her.

* * *

**A/N: ** _*cue “Can’t Help Falling in Love (With You)”, but add in a lot more angst*_

_Be nice about the “love ‘n’ bedroom” stuff. You all usually are. When it comes to being mean to me, it’s usually me berating myself._

_Also, fuck bigots who prey on people who are more fabulous than they could ever be. It’s unfortunate that we live in a society where people are attacked for what they look like and who they love. _


	11. Unsteady

**A/N:** _Emily’s past will be explored in depth very soon (appreciate the patience). The scene with her dad dying was hard enough, but the rest of her story is a very bitter pill to swallow. I just wanted to forewarn you. We’re not there yet. But it’s going to come out of left field in the most painful way. _

* * *

**Chapter 11:**

**Unsteady**

Alison awoke at 5:30 that morning to Emily thrashing wildly in her sleep. Emily rolled to her side and screamed as she sharply brought her knee up, catching Alison in the stomach and chest.

It nearly knocked the wind out of her.

Alison rolled over to try and give her a wide berth. She sat up and clutched her stomach, trying to catch her breath. She had forgotten how much it hurt to get hit that hard. She could feel every muscle and nerve ending, especially in her boobs.

“ETHAN! HELP!” Emily screamed, her neck snapping back violently. She choked on her words.

Alison felt the bed sway and she looked down and saw Lupo standing at the foot of the bed where the comforter was bunched up.

Alison ordered him to stay and he immediately stopped. She could only imagine what having a large dog hovering over her would do for Emily’s mental state.

“Run!” Emily continued to writhe uncontrollably.

Alison saw her breathing pattern change. It was like something was hurting her. Something was _killing_ her. Her cheeks were starting to turn red.

“Emily?” Alison asked in alarm. She gently stroked Emily’s sweaty cheek. “Hey, it’s just a dream…”

Alison tried to steady her, but when she reached out, Emily’s hand flew up towards her face and struck her in the nose.

She felt a burning pain and then a wetness coating her fingers. The bandages on Emily’s knuckles did nothing to lessen the blow. The power behind her punches was astounding. Alison held her palm underneath her nose to try and stop the blood from going everywhere. She felt several warm droplets land against her bare chest. She felt the hot coppery tasting substance draining down her throat.

Emily was still swinging wildly. Her back was stiff and she looked like she was trying to fight someone, like her life was at stake. And she looked like she was in terrible pain. Sweat was dripping down her face.

“Please…” Emily begged in her sleep. “Please…take me. Please take me.”

“Emily,” Alison said, careful to avoid her punches. She saw the brunette’s jaw tighten, but Emily slowed in her fight stance. “I want you to listen to the sound of my voice. Whatever nightmare you’re having, it is going to end. I’m here. Just know that I’m here.”

Emily was shaking so violently that the bed was vibrating underneath her.

Alison stared at her in concern. She looked pale. Her lips looked white. Her skin was starting to tinge blue. She was holding her breath.

“For God’s sake, breathe.” Alison begged.

Emily didn’t respond. Alison started to panic, because…_shit_…her chest wasn’t moving and she was going limp. Was she having a heart attack?

“Fuck.”

Alison’s self-preservation instincts flew out the window. She leaned over her and pressed her fingers against Emily’s neck, checking for her pulse. It was erratic. If she wasn’t having a heart attack, she was well on her way to having one.

“Emily.” She gripped the brunette’s cheeks. “Goddammit…fucking _breathe_.” She aggressively moved her face to try and stimulate a breath.

Emily inhaled a heavy breath. She struggled to regulate her breathing pattern, but at least she was breathing. She wheezed and coughed and made noises that sounded like she was suffocating.

Emily wildly snapped left and then right and then she rolled. Alison tried to grab her, but it was too late. Emily flipped off the edge of the bed, smashing her head against the edge of the nightstand.

It didn’t wake her.

Alison crawled over to the side, bumping into her dog. He’d put himself between Alison and Emily. She shoved past him, leaving him on the bed as she scrambled over to grab her robe and get to Emily’s side.

Emily was whipping around on the floor. There was blood pooling around her lip. The brunette had bitten it in her sleep.

Alison kneeled next to her. She tried to cradle her head. When Emily jerked to the side Alison pulled her fingers back and saw more fresh blood on them. She saw a gash on the side of Emily’s head oozing blood into her hair.

_Fuck, Em, you’re going to kill yourself at this rate…_

“Hey, it’s just a nightmare.” Alison tried to draw her out of it.

She kept one hand underneath her nose to try and stifle the blood flow and put her other firmly on Emily’s cheek.

She wanted more than anything to just shake her out of it, but she knew that trying to wake someone in the middle of a night terror often did more harm than good.

Emily was trapped in her mind. She couldn’t get away. And she couldn’t get her brother and sister away. All she could see was his menacing eyes glaring down at her.

Emily felt a painful jolt in her head and she shot up off of the ground, nearly hitting Alison in the face again.

Her chest was heaving. She clawed at her throat like something was around her neck. When she pulled her hands away they were violently shaking.

“Take it easy.”

When Emily looked at Alison the first thing she noticed wasn’t her partially exposed breasts or her completely nude body peeking out from under her robe. It was the blood on her hands.

At first she thought she was still trapped in her nightmare. She thought Alison was being pulled into the world she fought so hard to keep her out of.

“You’re okay.” Alison glanced up at the bed. “You were thrashing so much that you fell out of bed.”

Emily stared at the blood underneath Alison’s nose. She didn’t even feel the cut on her own head or the swelling on her lip.

“You’re hurt.” Emily looked at her sympathetically. It slowly started to come together for her. “Oh my God, did I…”

“It’s fine.” Alison helped her up. She flipped the light on, which burned both of their eyes.

“Alison, I’m so sorry.” Emily reached up with her thumb to wipe away some of the blood.

When she saw the thick red substance against her finger she froze. She was suddenly soaked in her brother’s blood. In her sister’s blood. In _his_ blood.

“It’s really not that bad. I promise. I…”

But Emily didn’t hear what she was saying.

_Look what you did._

“I told you I shouldn’t be here.” Emily blinked. “Fuck.” She rubbed her hand over her sweat-covered face and into her hair. Her fingers hit the gash on her head. She felt the stinging sensation for the first time. But she didn’t care about herself. Only one thing mattered to her. “I could have killed you…” She groaned in frustration. “I told you I was dangerous…”

The look on Emily’s face was the same look that Alison had seen dozens of times when she talked about her childhood. Emily’s past didn’t just haunt her. It terrorized the shit out of her.

“You’re not dangerous.” She was wounded, but Alison had witnessed more than enough to prove that she wasn’t dangerous.

But Emily knew the truth. She knew that no one was safe while she was around. She had a track record.

_You get people killed._

“I should go.” Emily pushed herself up, her entire body still trembling. She could feel the sweat rolling down her back and into her underwear.

She felt Alison grab her arm and she instinctively jerked away and spun around defensively. Alison held her hands up in submission, but she didn’t back down.

“You’re not going anywhere while you’re like this.” Alison argued. She didn’t want her out roaming the town with her head full of whatever she’d seen in her nightmares.

“Then I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“It was just an accident…”

“Stop.” Emily uttered. “Stop making excuses for me.” She cupped Alison’s cheek, her long fingers tilting her face so she could get a better look at the damage. “We should get some ice on this.”

She pulled her hand away and turned towards the door.

“God, would you slow down?” Alison walked after her. “You’ve had a hell of a night and…”

“I _can’t_ slow down, Ali.” Emily turned back to face her. “These dreams…they…” She clenched her fists, “…I need to do something to keep myself occupied, okay? Because if I don’t I’m going to jump out your fucking window.” She couldn’t stand to see the blood on Alison’s face. She felt terrible. “Why don’t you go clean up? I’ll bring you an icepack and some water so you can take something so it doesn’t swell.”

“It’s just a little nosebleed. I’ve had them before.” Alison shrugged it off. “I grew up with an older brother. I’ve been hit in the face with baseballs and a soccer balls.”

There was an inkling of a smile on Emily’s face, because she remembered how it was with Ethan. One day she hadn’t been paying attention and he’d clocked her with a basketball.

“Still…” Emily grabbed her hand.

_Jesus, she’s still shaking._ Alison looked down at Emily’s trembling hands.

She cupped Emily’s hand with her other hand, sandwiching Emily’s fingers in between her warm palms. Some of Emily’s tension faded. She looked at Alison.

“It would make me feel better if you got cleaned up.” Emily knew that would work on her. Because Alison was all about feelings and shit. And she cared about Emily’s feelings.

Alison would never say it out loud, but she was afraid of letting Emily go into the kitchen alone. She was afraid she would take a knife and slit her wrists.

Emily could see the worry written all over her face.

“I’ll be right back. I promise.”

Alison nodded and let go of Emily’s hand. She went into the bathroom to get cleaned up. Lupo trailed behind her.

Emily watched them go. She silently wished that the dog would have ripped into her arm, bitten her, scratched her…done _anything_ to stop her fist from making contact with Alison’s face. She _never_ wanted to hurt her. Accident or not, Alison was still hurt.

Alison washed her face and then took a washcloth to her chest to wipe away the blood that had trickled on to her body. She dabbed at the droplets of blood on her robe.

She looked at the small cut against the bridge of her nose and the crusted blood in her nostrils. It wasn’t so bad. Jason had accidentally elbowed her in a wrestling match when they were younger. She’d had much worse injuries then.

She sighed. Jason had gotten in so much trouble for that. His father had practically beaten his ass raw even though they’d both told him it was an accident.

Alison grabbed an ibuprofen and walked back into her bedroom. Emily came back with a cloth and an ice pack. She had a glass of water in her hands. Alison knocked back the pain killer and drank the water.

She settled back into bed, waiting for Emily to follow, but Emily just stood there in her undergarments and stared at the floor. The look in her eyes was akin to that of a puppy who had done something and was getting scolded.

She finally gathered the courage to look at Alison. Alison had opened her home…her _heart_ and she was becoming bruised and battered because of her.

Emily wrapped the icepack in the cloth and passed it off to Alison. She was afraid to get too close to her, afraid she’d hurt her again. Alison reached out and took her hand to let her know it was okay.

“If you need anything let me know.” Emily squeezed her hand and looked at the floor. “I’m really sor…”

“It wasn’t your fault. You can’t control them.” Alison interrupted her.

“I should have known better. I know how I get when my dreams get violent. My brother used to have to hold me down so I wouldn’t hurt myself.”

“Are the dreams about the firefights over there?” Alison guessed. Emily shook her head. “Are they…is it your dad? The shooting…”

“Worse.”

Alison’s eyes widened in concern. What was worse than seeing a parent gunned down when you were six? Alison had killed her _own_ parents and she was still traumatized by it, though mostly because her brother was taking the rap for it.

“I’m going to get some air.” Emily pulled back.

She felt suffocated. Not by Alison. By her own nature. Her mind was like a prison, a cage that she couldn’t get out of. She loved this girl. She’d _hurt_ this girl. She was going to _keep_ hurting her.

Alison nodded in understanding. She gave Emily a little bit of time, though she did watch to make sure Emily didn’t go anywhere.

She heard her go out on to the porch. Alison peeked out her window to make sure she was okay. She knew it was obsessive. She knew her codependency was a problem. But she didn’t care. She felt like Emily was a part of her. And she was. Because Emily had her heart.

Once Emily came back inside Alison crept away from the window. She mentally counted to one hundred before she walked out of her room. She went into the living room, unable to face the idea of leaving her alone. Emily was sitting on the couch. She still looked dazed.

“Hey.” Alison pulled the tie on her robe around her waist.

“You really are a pain in my ass.” Emily couldn’t help but smile when she saw her.

“Maybe you’re a hit it and quit it kind of girl, but I’m not. I should have warned you…” She took a seat next to her. “I’m a cuddler. I like to snuggle.”

Emily laughed.

“For the record, the hitting wasn’t supposed to happen quite like it did.”

“Mmm.” Alison reached up and touched the cut on Emily’s head. Emily winced. “We should have had a safe word.”

Emily chuckled again, this time a little louder.

“How is your head?” Alison carefully touched the cut again, which had stopped bleeding.

“Fucked up.” Emily shrugged. She looked at the blonde out of the corner of her eyes and smiled. “Oh, you meant the gash.”

“Well, your sardonic humor is still intact.”

“I told you. It’s…”

“An acquired taste.” Alison smiled. “I know.”

“Does your nose hurt?” Emily glanced at the bruise forming around the cut on her nose.

“No. In fact, I should pay you.”

“For beating you?”

“For giving me the nose job I always wanted.”

Emily hated that she laughed. She hated that Alison made her feel joy. She hated feeling _anything_. Because feeling was so fucking hard.

“You’re making it incredibly hard for me to sulk. You know that?” Emily asked.

“That was kind of my plan.” She reached for Emily’s hand.

Emily had pulled her bandages off. Alison could see the cracks and bruises covering her knuckles from where she’d been hitting the wall.

“You might have broken something.” Alison stared at her hand.

“Did I really hit you that hard?”

“No, I’m talking about your cage match with my wall.” Alison frowned. “The little bump on my face was nothing compared to the punches you were throwing at my house. The kick to the tits hurt far worse.” Alison cupped her right breast. She could still feel where Emily’s knee had nailed her.

“I _kicked_ you in the tits?” Emily’s eyes widened. That made her feel ten times worse.

“Kiss it and make it better.” Alison replied suggestively.

She made Emily smile again. Emily wasn’t one to tell Alison DiLaurentis no, so she leaned down to her exposed cleavage and pressed her lips delicately against her smooth silky skin. She let her lips linger for a few seconds.

“Better?” Emily looked up at her.

“Lower.” Alison winked.

She felt Emily laugh against her skin, her hot breath tickling her senses. Emily kissed her cleavage again and then moved up so they were face to face. Alison couldn’t help herself when they were so close. She touched Emily’s cheek and leaned in to peck her lips.

When the kiss deepened the cut on Emily’s lip started to sting. Alison felt her flinch and she pulled back. She ran her index finger over the swelling.

“Still sore?” Alison asked.

“A little.”

“I think that was the worst nightmare you’ve had by far.” Alison bit her lip. “Do you think…was it us? Was it too much too soon for us?”

“Of course not.” Emily assured her with a smile, gripping the blonde’s hand. “I’ve wanted you again since the day I walked out of that ER with your number. You’re not my nightmare, Alison. You’re my dream.”

“Wish I could have been the latter tonight, because that nightmare scared the shit out of me.”

“It was probably the whiskey. It was stupid for me to pound whiskey like that.” And not only because of her liver. “My body didn’t know what to do with it.” Truly. It had probably thought, _“What the fuck is this shit? This isn’t bourbon. Enjoy the pukefest…”_

“Does alcohol make the nightmares worse?”

“I’m not falling for any of your psychology quizzes.”

“It was an honest question.” Alison sounded concerned. “I’ve just never seen it that bad.”

“How long have you been talking me down from them?”

“Since your first night here.”

Emily bit the inside of her lip. She was disrupting her life. She was a burden.

“How often?”

“You have them a few times a week.”

“Do I…” Emily’s eyes flickered to her feet and then back to Alison, “…have I ever said anything?”

“Broken bits and pieces. You cry more than you talk. I don’t know if what I do helps. But I can’t just leave you. Sometimes I talk to you. Sometimes I sing.” She smiled weakly at Emily. She hated seeing her night terrors, because she couldn’t stand seeing her in pain. “I don’t know if you can hear me or not…”

“I think I might.” Emily admitted. “Sometimes when I’m in them and I feel like I’m going to die there is this little shred of light…kind of like a beacon. I look at it and feel like there might be an end.”

“Didn’t feel that way tonight.” Alison grimaced. “You were holding your breath.”

“I do that when they’re really bad sometimes.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not much to talk about. I don’t really remember much.”

Alison knew it was a lie. She could hear it in her voice…the way it trembled just the slightest bit…the way she bounced her knee nervously and turned away. Emily had already admitted that whatever she’d seen in this nightmare was worse than her father and brother being killed in front of her.

Alison’s phone vibrated from inside the pocket on her robe. She always tried to keep it close in case someone needed her help. She pulled her phone out and looked at the message from Mona, who had gone by the hospital with Hanna.

_“Hanna and I couldn’t sleep. She pulled a blonde joke move and brewed us caffeinated instead of decaf at four this morning. She’s been driving me crazy with her constant pacing, so we came to see Charles…”_

“Charles is awake.” Alison read the rest of Mona’s message out loud. “The doctors say he’s going to have a long road to recovery, but he’s going to be okay.”

“Does he remember anything about what happened to him? About who did this?” Emily asked curiously. She still felt a murderous rage. Someone was going to pay.

“We’re not going to go down that road again.” _It almost destroyed you._ “Let the police do their job.”

Emily looked down at the ground. She nervously picked at her fingers.

“Ali, I saw him,” she said with a sigh. “Before it happened. Like _right_ before it happened.”

“What? Where?”

“I was…”

She didn’t want Alison to know she’d been staking people out. She didn’t want her to know about him. She didn’t want her involved, especially now. Emily couldn’t stop wondering if she really _had_ seen him in the club. If he’d been after her this whole time and he’d seen her talking to Charles…

She shook her head. She was paranoid.

“I was out jogging.” Emily lied. “He was on his way to the therapy session. He wanted me to come with him, but I told him I’d catch up with him later. I let him go off…alone.” She shuddered. “If I had gone with him…”

“Don’t you fucking dare.” Alison cut her off. “Don’t you dare blame yourself.”

Suddenly, Emily’s outburst last night made sense. Her drinking made sense. She’d spent so much of her time blaming herself for things that weren’t her fault – her brother’s death, the loss of her squad, her dad in that restaurant, her little sister…

Of course she felt responsible for Charles. Alison was surprised she hadn’t connected the dots at the hospital. The way Emily had showed up all red faced and looking haunted. Being unable to protect him was triggering for her.

Now it was Alison’s turn to feel guilty…for not seeing it then.

She delicately reached out to touch Emily’s cheek, pausing to give her time to pull away if she wanted to.

“Emily…” She carefully put her fingers against Emily’s face, forcing her to face her. “Tell me you understand that this isn’t your fault.”

When Emily didn’t respond Alison dropped her hand and sighed. Sometimes Emily’s pain overwhelmed her. She wasn’t sure how Emily dealt with it.

“You remember back in the club…what you said about control? How there are things we can’t control?” Alison asked. “This happened. It’s terrible and unfair. And it’s awful. But _you_ didn’t cause this.”

Emily heard her. She didn’t acknowledge that she heard her, but she did. Alison knew that no matter what she said Emily would still blame herself.

“I want you to promise me that you won’t go vigilante on this. You’ve got enough to worry about. I don’t want you knocking heads together in a bar again.”

“Those fuckers deserved it.” Emily growled under her breath. It still pissed her off that those assholes had gotten frisky with Alison.

She was still holding a grudge against those pool players. And the stupid fucking bouncers. She had no idea that one of the bouncers had sold her out. She had no idea that the day she went back for her gun she set certain events in motion, and she had indirectly been in the wrong place at the wrong time…with Charles. She didn’t know that what had happened to Charles had been a warning…a message.

“You’re not a goddamn caped crusader,” Alison said in irritation.

“You’re fucking right I’m not. I’m better than one of those dinky little masked superheroes. I’m the US military.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to fight _every_ battle on this soil. I mean, Jesus, you beat the shit out of _yourself_ in your sleep.”

She saw Emily run her tongue over the swollen split in her lip.

“Did you stop to take care of yourself or were you too busy fawning over me?” Alison moved her hand up towards Emily’s face, tracing her finger across Emily’s lip.

“I’ve had worse.” Emily glanced at Alison’s injured face. “I just hope I didn’t break your nose.”

“It’s fine. I barely even feel it.” Alison assured her.

Emily moved her thumb underneath Alison’s eye and against the base of her nose.

“You have that lunch with your friends today.” Emily looked at the clock. The sun would be coming up soon.

“So?”

“They already hate me.”

“They don’t hate you…” At least, Aria didn’t. Spencer didn’t really hate her either. She was just worried about Alison taking on too much.

“They will when they see this.”

“I’ll tell them I ran into a door.”

“Really, Ali? That literally screams ‘I’m being abused’.”

“It doesn’t fucking matter, Emily.” Alison grumbled in frustration.

“It does to me.”

“Why don’t you come with me?”

Emily looked at her like she was insane.

_Why?_

“Don’t look at me like that.” Alison rolled her eyes.

_Get out of my head. _But Emily knew that Alison had latched on to her and wasn’t letting go any time soon.

“You just want to keep an eye on me.”

“Why is it so hard to believe that I actually want to spend time with you?”

“Because I’m a miserable bitch.” Emily laughed.

“You’re going.” Alison glowered at her.

When Emily saw the shift in Alison’s gaze she found herself oddly turned on. And it made her actually _want_ to spend time with her. What was this power she had over her?

“Fine,” Emily muttered. “But don’t expect me to do that hoity toity bullshit with tea and crumpets.”

“Who do you think I am? Little Miss _Downtown Abbey_?” Alison laughed. “But you will need to wear something formal.” She grinned, waiting on Emily to tell her to go to hell. Emily glared at her. “Kidding.”

“What about all of this?” Emily motioned to their injuries.

Alison shrugged.

“They’ll just think we fucked the shit out of each other.”

“You’ve been bragging about me to your friends like that?”

“The way you made me scream…the entire town knows.” Alison teased her.

Emily smiled. She felt some of her tension fading away. Alison reached out and touched Emily’s knee. Emily relished in her touch. She could feel such a sensuality in her touch. The high she got from feeling it was better than sex.

Seconds later, Alison laid her head against Emily’s shoulder. Emily hesitantly brought her arm up, trying to decide whether or not to pull the blonde fully into her embrace.

It didn’t take her long to make up her mind. She wrapped her arm around Alison. The two of them fell asleep on the couch.

Emily woke up first. The sun was coming up, casting the sky in red and orange hues. The melted colors were bouncing off of the windows and creating a luminous reflection around the house.

Emily looked at Alison, who was still asleep. Then she looked down at her feet and saw Lupo snoring next to the couch. And she knew this is how she wanted it to be. But she also knew that was impossible.

She tried to just be in the moment. She tried not to think about the cut on Alison’s nose or the sleep that Alison had lost because of her. She tried not to think about the fact that she was living on borrowed time and that her health could turn at any minute.

She tried not to think about her childhood, about her siblings, about her life. She tried not to think about the gunfire and explosives…the blood and the gore. She tried to focus on Alison. And only Alison. And when Alison woke up and looked up at her and smiled, Emily smiled back.

_Fuck this girl and her beautiful eyes and her sweet smile and her never-ending faith in me._

Alison sat up and looked outside.

“The sunrise is beautiful.” Alison climbed to her feet, her robe swaying back and forth as she sauntered towards the window.

“It is.” But Emily wasn’t looking at the horizon. She was looking at Alison.

Alison told Emily to get cleaned up and she went to make them breakfast. Emily quickly showered and changed and then went to help her in the kitchen.

They kept staring at one another and trading sultry looks to the point that Emily felt like picking her up and screwing her on the counter…on the table, _everywhere_. She wanted to fuck her in every room, on every piece of furniture, every day of the week. She wanted to lock the doors for seven days and seven nights and have a non-stop fuck-fest. She wanted to make her come over and over again. She wanted Alison to live in a constant state of orgasmic bliss for days at a time.

They managed to get through breakfast without jumping each other’s bones, though everything Alison did turned Emily on. Even the way she stirred her coffee.

When they were done eating they went to go and see Charles. Hanna and Andrew were hanging out with him.

He was sitting up in bed swishing around the straw in the blended breakfast smoothie sitting in front of him. His face was battered and swollen and his jaw was partially wired closed. He could barely hold his eyes open, but when he saw Alison and Emily he smiled.

“You came.” Charles smiled.

“Multiple times last night,” Emily muttered under her breath, pinching Alison’s side.

She felt Alison nudge her and they both laughed. Emily expected Hanna to call them out on it, but Hanna was so focused on Charles that she completely missed it.

“You should really try to eat something. If Mona comes back and sees that you haven’t touched your breakfast she’s going to hold you down and force that mushy blended mess down your throat.”

“Let her try. I bite.” Charles moved his wired mouth, drooling slightly.

“How are you feeling?” Emily asked.

“Pissed that they didn’t give me the sparkly wires for my jaw.” Charles bit through his teeth.

“You would have worn them fabulously.” Hanna assured him. “I’ll be sure to write a complaint to the medical facility about their lack of fierce designer wires.”

“I’m glad you’re here.” Charles smiled at his friend.

Hanna smiled back and put her palm against his shoulder.

“You really don’t remember anything?” Hanna sighed. She was as eager to kick someone’s ass as Emily.

Charles closed his eyes like he was deep in thought, but Emily saw an inkling of pain on his face. And it pissed her off. The second the rage started to creep into her veins she felt Alison’s hand against hers, wrapping her fingers around Emily’s. It was a subtle motion that told Emily _“I’m here. It’s okay.”_

“Just his eyes. He had the meanest eyes.”

Something about the way he said it made Emily shudder. Alison looked at her and mouthed ‘you okay?’ to which Emily just responded with a nod.

“Hateful people often do.” Andrew glanced at the bandages on Charles’s arms, where vile messages had been etched into his soft unblemished skin.

Emily agreed with Andrew. Anyone who could take a knife and carve slurs on to someone’s body was an entirely different level of fucked up. And Emily knew fucked up.

Emily looked at the bandage on his left arm, which had shifted up just enough for her to see an _f_ and an _a_. She didn’t need to be a scholar to determine what the bigot had written there.

“I’ll heal,” Charles said so softly, so sweetly, that it was enough to spark a feeling of pain and empathy in Emily’s heart. Because she cared about the kid.

“The doctors did their best to clean it. Some of the cuts needed stitches and they tried to stitch it together in a way so that it won’t form letters. And we’re already looking at tattoos to turn hate into art.” Andrew put his hand against his boyfriend’s hand.

The motion was one of the most compassionate things Emily had ever seen. She knew that Andrew and Charles hadn’t been together for very long. Andrew could have easily bailed, but he’d stuck around. He reminded Emily of Alison in a way. She stayed even when things got tough.

“You want me to go get you a smoothie instead of _this_ garbage?” Hanna motioned to the liquid breakfast on Charles’s tray.

Charles nodded.

“There is a really good smoothie place right around the corner from here. I’ll show you.” Emily offered.

She had to get out of the hospital room. She was feeling antsy. Hanna followed Emily as they walked through the twisted hallways. Sometimes the building felt never-ending. Sometimes Emily felt like she was still trapped in that bed in the Psych ward.

“How are you holding up, Han?” Emily asked as they walked through the sliding glass doors. “I know you and Charles are close.”

“Tired.” Hanna admitted. “Pissed. Anxious. I want to murder who did it. You know, full spectrum of emotions.” She sighed. “I’m just glad he’s alive.”

Emily didn’t say what she was thinking:

_Sometimes alive is worse than dead._

Instead she just put a comforting hand on Hanna’s arm. Hanna smiled and looked at her friend, and for the first time she noticed the bruise on her head, though Emily had _tried_ to cover it with her hair.

“What happened to you?” Her eyes widened. “Wait a second. I heard you stormed out of here yesterday. Did you go on a hunt to find who did this?” She gasped. “Did you find them? Did you kick their ass?”

“I wish.”

“Well, that’s a pity.” Hanna frowned. “I was hoping you’d shived someone in the dick.” She looked at the cut again. “So, what happened? Is Alison a little minx in the bedroom or something?”

Hanna wasn’t _entirely_ wrong. The scratches on Emily’s back were proof of that. But Emily shook her head.

“I smacked my head in the dark.”

“Let me guess. Alcohol was involved.”

“Not the point, Hanna…”

“That’s a yes.”

Emily shrugged.

_Sure. Let’s go with that._ It was better than telling Hanna she had nightmares like a fucking toddler. And it’s not like she hadn’t been drunk before it happened.

“You really need to be careful with that.” Hanna frowned.

“I’ll log that away in my flower print journal.” Emily replied caustically.

“I’m serious, Em. I don’t want anything to happen to you. I mean…what happened to Charles is bad enough. I can’t go through this again. Seeing the people I care about crashing around me makes me feel so unsteady…” She bit her lip. “I don’t want you to end up in a hospital bed, too.”

“I’m more likely to put someone else in a hospital bed.” Namely the person who had hurt Charles.

“I can’t believe someone would do this.” Hanna rubbed her forehead. “I mean, I _can_. I know there are people out there who hate us…” She grumbled under her breath. “My mom flipped out when I told her I swung both ways. She cried about how it would look to her friends. Called me indecisive and confused.” She rolled her eyes. “My dad took it much better. He said as long as he got to walk me down the aisle he didn’t care who was standing at the end of it, as long as they treated me right. He eventually got my mom on board. But the kids at school weren’t so accepting. Some little shit wrote “neither sex wants you” on my locker. Assholes are everywhere.”

“Fuck them.” Emily frowned.

“Damn straight.”

“Did Charles say anything else about what happened?” Emily questioned.

“He said whoever did it clocked him from behind. He woke up a few times during the beating, but his eyes were full of blood, so he couldn’t see really well. The only thing he remembered was seeing a rusty switchblade and the hate in the man’s eyes. He couldn’t remember if anyone was with the guy or what he actually looked like. But he did say that the man told him he was going to make sure everyone knew exactly what his ‘brand’ was right before he started cutting him.”

Emily twisted her fingers into her pants to try and keep from raging out. She gripped the fabric and squeezed so hard that she could feel her nails digging into her skin.

“And the man told Charles something about showing him what a real man was…”

Emily took a shaky breath. She’d heard those words more than once in her childhood…when she was helpless to do anything to protect her brother. Why was it that testosterone and power turned some men into such fucking dicks? What made them so fucking superior? Why couldn’t they handle their goddamn feelings in a normal way? Why did they have to turn to violence and hate? It always fell back on killing, raping, and pillaging.

“Emily? You okay?” Hanna saw the change in her attitude.

“Fine.”

But when she blinked she saw the terror of her past. She cleared her throat and tried to shake it off.

“Does Charles remember anything else?”

“Don’t think so.” Hanna stopped when they reached the door to the smoothie place.

“Does he remember running into me?”

“You two saw one another?” Hanna asked.

“He was walking to the group session. I had an errand I was running, so I told him I’d meet him there…”

Emily felt a wave of guilt again, but before she could start with the self-hate Hanna jumped in.

“I hope you’re not blaming yourself for this.”

“I just keep thinking…if I had just gone with him…”

“Oh, that’s horseshit.” Hanna rolled her eyes. “This isn’t your fault any more than it is Andrew’s fault for being asleep or mine for not going with him to town to get lunch.” Hanna said as they walked inside the little smoothie shop. “Besides, it sounds like he was targeted, which means whoever did it was probably watching him and waiting until he was alone.”

Emily hadn’t thought about that. She’d just assumed that someone had seen Charles and his flamboyant nature and had jumped him because of that. But if someone had been watching him…

It gave Emily the chills. Because she couldn’t get the night of the club out of her mind. She still saw that monster’s face. She looked over her shoulder. Was someone watching them right now? Was Hanna next? What if she hadn’t imagined that night? What if it hadn’t just been the drugs? What if he really was out to get her…and her friends?

_“I’m going to fucking kill you, you hear me?”_ It was the last thing he’d said to her before Ethan had pulled her out the door and forced her to run.

“You think Andrew wants something?” Hanna glanced at the menu. “I forgot to ask.”

“Huh?” Emily hadn’t been paying attention.

“He hasn’t left Charles’s side since he got to the hospital. He’s a real trooper for sticking around,” Hanna said. “I think I’m going to get him something, too.”

“Get something for yourself, too.” Emily replied.

“Relax, _mom_. I’ve been doing really well…eating regularly. I’m trying this whole new relationship with my food where I _don’t_ puke it up twenty minutes after I eat it.” She put her hand against the counter and without looking away from the menu she added. “I shit it out like a normal person.”

The little hipster teeny-bopper behind the counter looked horrified. Emily burst into a fit of laughter.

“Never change, Hanna.”

Hanna smiled, a boastful smile of pride…because making Emily laugh was no small feat.

They ordered their smoothies and went back to the hospital. Alison could tell that Emily was jittery, so she told Charles they’d be back later to check on him.

They left to go meet Aria and Spencer for lunch. The girls had already been seated at a table. They were sitting across from one another and chatting. Emily looked nervous when she saw where they were sitting. Aria stood up when she saw them coming and moved next to Spencer.

“Sorry. It didn’t even cross my mind that you’d want that chair.” Aria smiled politely. “Of course you’d want that chair.”

“How did you know?” Emily was curious.

“Jason didn’t like to have his back to any open areas when he got back,” Aria explained. “He liked to be able to see the entrances and exits.”

“Smart guy.” _Noble guy._ He was in jail for Alison’s crimes. He’d made the ultimate sacrifice for his little sister. Emily respected that.

Emily moved Alison’s chair out for her to sit down. Alison thanked her.

Emily noticed Spencer staring at the cut on Alison’s nose. Alison had tried her best to cover it with concealer. It had helped with the bruising, but the cut was still visible. Spencer didn’t say anything, but Emily knew she was thinking the worst.

“You can stop looking at me like I’m a leper, Spence.” Alison coolly picked up her menu. “This is what happens when people clean glass too well and you are too busy on your phone to notice that the sliding glass door is not indeed…sliding open.”

Emily was impressed with her cover story.

“Did you run into the same glass door?” Spencer glanced at Emily’s lip.

“Bar fight.” Emily shrugged.

Spencer seemed to actually believe her excuse. Emily wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or insulted.

“I know what it looks like, but you’re an ass for even considering it.” Alison frowned disapprovingly at Spencer.

“Sorry. Lawyer brain. You know I can’t turn it off.”

“Would you like to see the security footage of me looking like an idiot who doesn’t know how to operate a door, counselor?”

_Damn, this girl can bluff._ Emily glanced at her. _So fucking hot._

Alison glared at Spencer with a look that told her if she didn’t apologize that she was going to throw the bread basket at her head.

“Sorry, Emily. I wasn’t trying to be presumptuous…”

_Anyone who uses the word presumptuous_ _is usually the very definition of that word…_

“I get it.” _You hate me_. “You’re protective.” She looked Spencer dead in the eye. “But I would never hurt her.” _Not intentionally._

“Of course not.” Aria reached across the table to put her hand on top of Emily’s.

Emily was surprised by the motion. Her initial instinct was to pull away. She felt her heart hammering in fear. Aria pulled back after a few seconds.

“Sorry. I get overly touchy sometimes. I spend a lot of my time with a toddler who has no boundaries.”

Emily laughed. She remembered when Ellie had been a toddler. She’d never learned what personal space was. Sometimes the little girl would sneak out of her crib and find her way to her big sister and would climb all over her. She’d smack her in the face, poke her in the eye and shove her fingers up her nose. Emily would kill to have it back.

“Yeah, kids are like tiny little drunks running around with boxes on their heads and smearing peanut butter all over the wall.” Emily smiled.

“That’s the most accurate thing I’ve ever heard.” Aria laughed. “My daughter tried to eat a full tube of diaper cream once. She looked like a DYI make-up tutorial gone wrong.”

Everyone laughed. Emily liked Aria. She seemed really genuine. Spencer was a little bit tougher to judge. She knew that Spencer was decent at heart. She did a lot of pro-bono stuff with her law practice and she always answered Alison’s call if she needed her. She was nothing if not loyal. She just had a tough exterior. But being with Aria seemed to soften her.

By the time the appetizers came all the weird tension had faded away.

Emily was still incredibly anxious, but she tried to hide it. She couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened to Charles. And she was starting to worry that being out in public would shine a light on the fact that she was back…and with Alison. She was worried the wrong person would see them.

She did a fairly good job of hiding her nerves from Aria and Spencer, but Alison knew her better. She knew when something wasn’t right. And she could tell that Emily was freaking out. Alison caught her glancing at the entrance at least a dozen times. She saw her bouncing her knee, trying to get rid of some of her nervous energy. She noticed that she wasn’t touching the food in front of her.

Alison reached under the table and put her hand on Emily’s knee. Emily gave her an appreciative look and put her hand on top of Alison’s. And she felt herself calming down…

…until she heard something that almost made her choke on a mini quiche.

“Ellie was so excited…”

“What?” Emily almost dropped her fork. “Who?”

“Oh, that’s my daughter.” Aria smiled with pride. She pulled her phone out and pulled up a picture of her little girl. “She’s learning her shapes and numbers…”

Emily stared at the baby. She had dark hair and big brown eyes and a wide toothy grin that reminded her so much of her sister that it hurt.

Her head started to pulsate in the strangest way. She thought she was passing out, but she stayed sitting upright. Her vision and hearing were fading in and out as Aria boasted about her little girl.

What were the odds that Alison’s best friend would have a little girl with the same name as her sister? Then again, what were the odds that she would meet Alison on the night she was dying? Why did fate like to continuously kick her in the face?

She felt sweat building up on the back of her neck. She faked a smile as Aria talked about how she and her husband were taking Ellie on a trip to Disneyland next week. And Emily thought about how _her_ Ellie would never get the chance to see big stupid cartoon characters being goofy or eat a funnel cake and ride rides until she puked.

She looked over her shoulder, her eyes landing on a dark corner of the restaurant. And she was paranoid about what she _couldn’t_ see. She felt a large ominous presence…everything that was wrong in her past. It was closing in on her, circling her like a predator in the wild.

Alison sensed that she was starting to panic so she made up a bullshit excuse about needing to bail early to get home and check on Lupo. She said something about how he’d been mopey last night. She left out the fact that he was mopey because of Emily’s outburst.

As soon as they got in the car Alison turned on the air conditioning. She could see the sweat on Emily’s brow. Emily swallowed the emotions she felt creeping up her throat and closed her eyes and let the air blow against her face for a few seconds.

“What’s up? You look like you’re about to hurl.” Alison looked at her in concern.

“I think I ate something that didn’t agree with me. I feel sick to my stomach.” She left out the part that she felt ill because she was hearing her sister’s cries in her head.

Alison didn’t buy her excuse.

“_You_? With the cast iron stomach? The one who ate expired Vienna sausages last week that had probably been in your bag since ‘Nam?”

“Vienna sausages never go bad. Everyone knows that.”

“Tell that to the people who have died from botulism.”

“Would you just drive, please?” Emily asked.

Alison quizzed her on her symptoms. Emily just muttered half-truth responses the whole way home. Alison feared it was her liver, but Emily told Alison that she wasn’t in any pain.

At least, not any physical pain.

When they got to the house Emily stumbled out of the car. She dry heaved, but nothing came up. Alison ran around to the side of the car to help her to her feet. Emily’s face was bright red. Her eyes were bloodshot. And her skin was gleaming with sweat. Alison felt her forehead. She was burning up.

“Em, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I really think it could be your liver. We should go get your bloodwork checked…”

“It’s not my fucking liver.” Emily jerked away from her.

“Then what’s going on?”

“Nothing. Like I said…probably something I ate.”

“I saw your face in the restaurant…”

“Drop it, Ali.” Her voice came out strained and angry. Alison was surprised by her tone.

Emily walked towards the house, Alison trailing behind her. Lupo greeted them at the door. Emily gave him a quick pat on the head and then made a beeline for the bathroom.

Before Alison could follow her she slammed the door shut. She paced the floor, panting and heaving and trying not to lose control. But it wasn’t easy.

When it came to Ellie there was a certain part of her that couldn’t be contained. Ellie had been way too young to die in such a brutal way. And the worst part is…Emily knew what she went through. She knew the pain. She knew the fear. She _lived_ it.

A little girl’s innocence had been ripped away, just like Emily’s innocence had been stripped away when she’d seen someone blow holes into her father. Sometimes Emily wished she’d died with her dad. She wished she’d never lived to experience all the pain she’d been through.

But in giving up the pain, she would also be giving up the love. She would be giving up her brother…her sister.

She thought about how Ellie had given eternal love to her as a birthday gift when she was three. It had been one of Emily’s favorite birthday gifts. The little girl had been so sweet…so thoughtful.

_“It will last for always.”_

But what happened when “always” came to an end? What happened when “always” wasn’t enough?

_“I love you, Emmy.”_

Emily felt her stomach churning. She fought to keep the memory at bay, but she couldn’t. It was there…it was always there…taunting her, torturing her.

_“Ellie, baby, run! RUN!”_

That had undoubtedly been the worst night of her life. Of all the things she’d suffered through…_that_ was the worst. And it was coming back to her at full force now.

She felt another wave of nausea. She fell to her knees, hitting the floor with a thud. She wrapped her arms around the toilet bowl and threw up.

In a way, it felt like she was purging the memory. But at the end of the day, she knew it would still be there.

She stood up, woozy, but she was able to keep her balance. She walked to the sink.

She turned the faucet on and leaned down to let the cool water run against her lips. She gently sucked some of the water into her mouth and drank it. She turned the faucet off and stood up, coming face to face with herself in the mirror. She wiped her face and then walked out of the bathroom.

She expected Alison to be all over her, but the blonde was sitting outside on the porch. Lupo was sitting next to her. Emily thought about going outside, but instead she retreated into her room.

She laid down for a little while, trying to sweat it out. She couldn’t get Ellie out of her mind.

She knew she was heading for a spiral. And she didn’t have Ethan to bring her back from it. She didn’t have anyone who understood her on the level that her brother understood her. Because they had gone through it together.

This was something she knew Alison couldn’t help her with. She knew this was something that was going to destroy her. It was going to poison her. _He_ was poisoning her.

Even though he wasn’t in her life, he was still a part of her. He’d made damn sure of that. He’d fucked her up so beyond repair. Now he was in her head, feeding off of her pain and fear. This was going to be the very thing that killed her. She just knew it.

Alison tried not to hover, but she couldn’t help but worry about her. That night at dinner she could see her physically shaking.

“I’m heating up some soup.” Alison offered.

“I’m not hungry.” Emily walked over to the refrigerator. She had just popped out of her room to get some water. She was parched.

“Look, if you’re still feeling sick, it could be…”

“Every little thing that goes wrong is not about my internal organs.” Emily grumbled with a catty attitude.

She walked into the living room. Alison followed her.

“I’m worried, Em.” Alison sighed.

“It’s fine. I’m fine. You’re overreacting.”

Alison blew her top.

“I’m not fucking overreacting about you possibly _dying_!” She snapped.

Emily stared at Alison as she paced in front of the couch and cried in anger. She waited for her to calm down.

When Alison exhausted herself and sat down beside her, Emily looked at her and uttered the one word she had never uttered to anyone other than Ethan since their baby sister had died.

“Ellie.”

“Huh?” What did Aria’s daughter have to do with this?

“My sister’s name was Ellie.” Emily leaned forward on the couch, rubbing her hands together. Her nausea was still pretty bad, but she knew she didn’t have anything left in her stomach to throw up. “When I heard Aria’s daughter’s name, I panicked.” Emily looked up, slowly making eye contact with Alison.

Her eyes were a beautiful pristine shade of crystal blue. It almost looked like they were sparkling behind her tears. Tears that _she_ had caused. But the tears were dissipating, and her face was calm.

“I can’t believe I didn’t know that.” Alison looked perplexed. She’d known Emily for months.

“It’s not exactly like I’m forthcoming about it.” Emily said, looking at the ground again. Just _saying_ her name had caused a sharp pain in her chest. “I just…haven’t heard the name in a long time. I don’t really hang out with a lot of people. I…actually never ran into anyone named Ellie. So…hearing Aria say it…it just brought back…” It had brought back terrible things she’d been trying to push away, “…everything.” She swallowed hard, her face contorting in pain. “My dad is not the only person in my family I watched die, Ali.”

Long before she saw the bodies pile up overseas she’d seen a bloody war at home. And she carried it with her everywhere she went.

“Before Ethan and I ran away, I saw…” She shook her head, fighting back tears, “She was killed in front of me.”

Emily stared blankly at the wall. It was hard for her to feel such a tremendous amount of pain and not say anything about it.

Alison felt a crushing nausea in her stomach. Emily had watched her six-year-old sister die. It was terrible enough that she’d seen her father killed at close range, but her sister? Her little sister? _A baby_?

No wonder she screamed in her sleep every night.

Alison moved closer to her. She automatically reached for Emily’s hand. She wanted to ask Emily everything. She wanted to know what happened to her. But she knew better than to push her before she was ready. She also didn’t want her to continue to disappear into the depths of her mind.

“You know you can tell me anything.” Alison squeezed her hand. “If you want to talk about it…”

“No.” Emily cut her off. She pulled her hand away from Alison. Alison had never seen her shut down so fast.

“I’m not saying you have to.” Alison replied softly. She didn’t want her to feel cornered. “I’m just saying I’m here if you want to.”

Emily pulled her arms close to her body, hugging herself. Her fingernails dug into her bicep.

“Thanks.” She sounded sincere, but she also sounded unsettled.

If Alison only knew what was going on in her mind. If she only knew what Emily had seen that day…

“There are some things I just…can’t.” Emily clenched her jaw. “Not…not yet.”

“I can’t even pretend to know what you went through…” Alison grimaced. “But I _do_ know that the harder you fight to bury it the worse it comes back…”

“Good thing I’ll be dead and buried soon then.” Emily’s face was rigid.

“Don’t even joke about that.” Alison hissed harshly.

But Emily was closer to that than Alison realized. Everything that had happened to her in her life was terrible enough, but when she thought about Ellie…she couldn’t help but go the darkest corner of her mind…the place where she couldn’t see the light. She felt the darkness creeping in, and she was content to let it. She knew better than to try and stop it. The more she struggled the more she floundered.

“Hey…” Alison moved her hand up to Emily’s cheek. It was still hot and damp with sweat. “I can see this consuming you. I just…I want to help.”

“You can’t.”

“No. You won’t _let_ me. There’s a difference.” Alison didn’t back down. Her thumb grazed Emily’s jaw. The motion reached something deep inside of Emily. It garnered her attention. “I feel like I’m losing you. I feel like you’re under that bridge again, and you’re slowly just slipping away. And I’m just watching it happen.” It made her feel so helpless. “I don’t want you to get lost.”

“I’ve been lost my whole life.” She pulled back. _I don’t deserve to be found._

“Look at me.” When Emily didn’t respond, Alison got a little more aggressive with her command. “I said _look at me_.” She grabbed Emily’s chin and forced their gaze to meet. “Your life has worth.”

“Okay, Doctor Feelgood.” Emily muttered sarcastically.

“Don’t do that. Don’t push me away. I know you’re sinking, but I want you to promise me that no matter how hard it is…you will _always_ come to me. Promise me that you will _never_ do what you did out by those train tracks again. No matter what.”

“Fine.” Emily pulled back uncomfortably. She felt like she was lying to her. And she didn’t like it.

She pushed herself to her feet. Before she could walk off, Alison reached out and grabbed her wrist. Emily froze, staring at Alison’s hand against her skin.

“I’m not letting you go until you promise.” She closed her fingers around Emily’s wrist and held her in place.

Emily looked at her, an annoyed expression on her face.

“I promise.” She jerked away and walked away.

Alison thought Emily was going to bolt for the front door, but she just disappeared into the guest room. Alison lowered her head and buried her face into her hands and groaned in frustration. Emily had been doing so well, and now they were right back where they started.

She knew there were going to be setbacks, but it wasn’t easy to watch. She felt like she was watching Emily being buried alive, and she was struggling for air, but she wouldn’t take Alison’s hand. And Alison was afraid that she was going to watch her suffocate without being able to save her.

Alison knew the statistics. She knew that a previous suicide attempt made a person three times more likely to attempt it again in that same year. She knew there was a high likelihood that Emily would try again.

And it terrified her.

Because statistics weren’t wrong.

* * *

**A/N:** _ Fun-fact, the “kicked in the tits” (which hurts like a motherfucker, by the way) line had my bestie giggling so hard. Throughout the rest of the story she was randomly laughing and so I finally just poked her and asked, “why are you laughing?” and she just grinned and replied, “Ali really needs to just calm her tits. Jeeze.”_

_Next chapter is going to hit hard. Maybe I should give you guys a safe word for in case it gets to intense or painful._

_G_ _iven what’s coming up, I think people need to be prepared. I think it’s probably worth mentioning, this story is not about a healthy relationship. This is a dark version of Emison. Intimacy is different for different people. And we’ve got two very broken people here. At this point in their relationship it’s not a healthy form of intimacy. The way they talk about their feelings isn’t straightforward, but in the subtle moments, the hand-grabs and the cheek touching. The smiles and the acts of love they do in the quieter moments, because sometimes love is just being there. They don’t converse with fluff and hand holding. They don’t talk about love and cuddle together. Because it’s simply not who these two certain characters are as a couple at this point in the story. I want people to be aware that while they do love one another, it’s not a normal kind of love. Not to mention, you’re about to find out why Emily pushes Alison away and keeps her at a distance. _

_I’m being very fickle about this fic, because this is likely my last Emison story. And I want to go out with a bang._


	12. The Breaking Point

** A/N: ** _Do not skip this author’s note:_ _This chapter is extremely graphic. It’s very triggering for multiple reasons._ _ I'm going to remind you about what I said in the very first chapter's author's notes in which I warned everyone reading that there will be very hard-hitting things happening in this story. _ _Please go into this chapter knowing that there are sensitive topics. I’m talking abuse, blood, and violence. I’m throwing a lot at you this chapter, so please remember to stop and breathe. And if you’re not in the right mindset, please don’t read it. There have been a lot of little moments hinting at Emily's past, and you're going to get hit with some painful things.  
_

_Also, please remember that the complexities of loving someone suffering from depression/suicidal thoughts/PTSD is not cut and dry. Love is often hard for people who struggle with mental health, because of how the disease makes them feel, though everyone is different. This fic delves into the real life ramifications of those complications. Love is a treatment, but it’s not a cure. This story doesn’t shy away from the unhealthier aspects of this relationship, but it also takes a look at love without blinders in a way that showcases that everyone deserves love, and that it is possible._

_These characters have suffered major traumatic events separately. They weren’t together to build any kind of relationship during their trauma. They have a connection and they have feelings, and through all of their pain they are trying to figure things out. That’s not something that comes with ease, because they’re both shut off to an extent. Though, as you’ll see in this chapter, there are deeper aspects to it._

_I know it’s a long dark ride. If you’re still with me, thank you for having faith in my writing. The more people who understand mental health the more we can try to destigmatize the topics around it. I never want to overstep. I think long and hard about how I want to tell stories like these. I agonize over every word. I tear apart and analyze every sentence. I cut. I rewrite. I put my heart into it. I talk to people who have gone through these things. I consider what I publish carefully._

_Again, go into it with caution. I have fretted over it since I originally wrote it. I have read and re-read and picked it to pieces and I’m still concerned about the content. This is dark as it gets. _

* * *

**Chapter 12:**

**The Breaking Point**

Emily was off-balance the next few days. She was dealing with everything she had bottled up. The day her dad was murdered. The day her mother died. The day she failed to save her little sister.

Her sister. Her sweet baby sister. Ripped away from her family. She was hurt in ways that were unfathomable. A life cut entirely too short.

Her brother. The carnage she’d seen overseas. Blood. Pink mist. Brain matter. Death. The horrible noises a human body made in its final moments.

The torture she’d endured her entire life. Being held against her will, both at home and in war camps.

That man. That _horrible_ man. The things he’d said. The things he’d done. The pieces of her he’d left on the ground.

The war she fought at home. The war she fought overseas. The war she fought inside of herself.

Even when she looked calm, she wasn’t.

Alison was the only thing that kept her from putting a bullet in her brain. She cared about her more than she cared about herself. But she didn’t know how to express it. She’d never let herself love anyone before. It was another reason she knew that deep down, she was irrevocably broken. She’d been broken long before she ever had a chance to know what true love felt like.

Alison’s admission of love had caused Emily to spiral into a panic. Because she felt something for Alison, too. She’d felt it when Alison was in the midst of her pleasure the last time they’d been in bed together. Alison had given Emily all of herself that night. And Emily felt it.

Emily had watched her every movement in bed, completely transfixed by the spell that was Alison DiLaurentis. And she had felt something _more_ than just hormones. She’d been turned on before with other girls, but none of them made her _feel_ the way Alison felt. And that terrified her. Because she knew what that warm feeling in her chest was. The feeling that made her heart beat faster. The feeling that made her breathe harder. The feeling that made her hands sweat and her body ache in the best way.

She’d been too wrapped up in Alison’s pleasure to say anything. She wasn’t sure if she was even capable of saying that word. It scared her. Because loving someone and letting them in was painful. And she’d also been on the other end of it. She’d known true hate before. And she knew what it was like to be hated…to be hurt. She didn’t know what it was like to be lovingly held. She only knew what it felt like to be suffocated with hatred.

After her parents died she’d only ever said those words when they were forced out of her. And they became a terrible taste in her mouth. She’d been able to say it to her brother and her sister. But then he’d come along and tainted that word. He’d tainted her.

But when that feeling washed over her when Alison was peacefully sleeping in her arms that night she’d been able to admit it to herself. And it had sent her into a panic. Because she knew that Alison was her tether. If something happened to her she would have no reason to live anymore. It was a lot for anyone to live up to, and it was too much to put on the blonde. And Emily knew it.

She got anxious every time they argued because she was afraid Alison would decide their relationship was too much trouble and walk away.

She was terrified when they were too close, because she was afraid something would trigger her and she would hurt her again like that the night when she’d nearly broken her nose. Her worst nightmare was snapping over something, blacking out, and finding Alison dead at her feet.

Alison tried to get her to open up, but Emily shut her out. She even went as far as shutting Alison out physically, which confused Alison. Emily had never been the most affectionate person. She was aloof and distant. And Alison knew there was a reason for that. She just didn’t know how painful it would be when she discovered it.

Something had changed within Emily. Her kisses were different. The way she touched Alison was different. It was like she was holding a hidden pain, a feeling she couldn’t express.

Alison would get glimpses of Emily when she let her guard down. She could see her softening, but she could also see something murkier…something Emily was still holding on to from her past that haunted her. The brunette was there, but she wasn’t present.

Alison could see everything that Emily wasn’t saying. Because she knew Emily. She knew everything about her. She knew that Emily didn’t like open doors, because they were “unsecured perimeters”. She knew that Emily didn’t like to be touched, especially after having one of her nightmares. She knew that Emily’s nerves often got the better of her when her adrenaline was still pumping from the demons she ran from.

She knew that Emily hated when it was too quiet, because that’s when her mind was the loudest. She knew that Emily acted impenetrable, but when it came to those she cared about, she was one of the softest people on the planet. She knew that Emily was shattered, but if someone needed her she’d pull it together just long enough to help them.

She _knew_ Emily. She knew who Emily was.

So she knew when things had changed. She knew when things were different. She could hear it in her voice. She could see it in her movements.

And she knew something was wrong with Emily, but she couldn’t do anything about it.

They had a few sexual encounters, but they seemed so different than the last time they’d slept together. Emily was very finicky about Alison having _any_ control in the bedroom. One time Emily seemed to completely disappear into a dark part of her mind when Alison placed a kiss in between her breasts and touched her chest. Emily had seemed so startled that she jerked back and fell off of the bed.

That was when Alison suggested that they slow it down for a while. It was clear to her that Emily was dealing with something. She was struggling…drowning. And she wouldn’t let Alison give her a lifeline. It was frustrating, because it felt like every time they made progress Emily took one step forward, but two steps back.

Her nightmares had gotten worse. And when she was awake she was withdrawn and quiet.

She disappeared during the day, but she always came back at night.

She’d been going through Caleb’s list of people who had called the public phone at the library. It was mostly teenagers trying to hide something from their parents and people doing shady things.

Emily had set up camp on a bench outside the building all day watching people go in and out. She was getting ready to call it quits, but then Caleb called her with the news she’d been hoping for.

At first, she thought it was Alison calling and she was ready to send it to voicemail. She hadn’t been intentionally icing her out. It’s not like she was _trying_ to avoid her. She just didn’t know how to act around her anymore. She was torn between being with Alison and protecting her. Because she knew that inevitably, Alison was going to get hurt because of her. She knew that in order to protect her, she had to pull away. Or at least, that’s what it felt like.

Fortunately, it wasn’t the blonde on the other end of the phone.

“What’s up, _Mr. Robot_?” She answered.

“How’s the hunt coming along?”

“Can we not call it that? I’m not a fucking tiger on the prowl.”

“Nah, you’re scarier.” He teased.

“I’m thinking about packing it in.”

“Didn’t find who you were looking for?”

_Maybe I shouldn’t find him._ What if it made things worse?

“I’ve found a lot of dope heads and horny teenagers…”

“Sounds like your kind of people…” She heard Caleb laughing on the other end of the phone.

“Yeah, laugh it up, you dick. You got a reason for calling me or did you just feel like busting my balls?”

“Easy, cowgirl.” Caleb’s laughter ceased. “I just called to let you know that I found another number to add to your list. Called the access phone about three months ago, but there wasn’t any information on it. I thought it was encrypted, but it turns out it was a burner. I was able to trace the serial number back to the shop where it was purchased. And I was able to ping the location where the phone was used by the nearest cell towers. Got a pen?”

Emily shifted on the bench, reaching into her bag. She pulled out a small notepad and a pen. And she listened as Caleb spouted out the location where the burner phone had been used.

“Rivers, you’re a miracle worker. Is there anything you can’t do?”

“Grow my leg back.”

“Touché. I can’t believe you went through all of this trouble for me.”

“I owe you my life. Or lack there-of.” Caleb shrugged. “Don’t know if the number will lead you anywhere, but I figured I might as well try to help you try to catch your white whale.”

_More like white trash…_

“I fucking hated _Moby Dick._ Melville was a hack.”

“Look, just don’t get yourself dragged out to sea and killed, okay?”

“No promises.”

“I’m serious.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“I will kick your ass if you’re up to something stupid.”

“With what foot? You don’t have a leg to stand on.”

Caleb huffed out a laugh.

“Solid. That was a good one.”

“Take care of yourself, Caleb.”

“Back at you. You know how to find me if you need me.”

After they hung up, Emily noticed that she had a text from Alison.

_“Want to meet up for lunch? I was thinking of ordering from that new Thai place down the street from the office.”_

It was her way of checking in without _technically_ checking in. Instead of asking “are you okay?” she was trying to get Emily to _show_ her that she was okay. But Emily wasn’t even close to okay.

Ever since all the memories of Ellie’s death had resurfaced she hadn’t been able to eat, sleep, or focus. She was drowning in her pain. Her guilt was eating her alive. Every second of every day felt like a chore, like she was just living to die. Every breath felt like a waste.

_“Already ate. But thanks.”_

_“Dinner then?”_

Emily sighed. Alison really did everything in her power to make her feel loved. It was just so hard for her to accept that love. She knew she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve Alison. Alison deserved someone who could love her back. She deserved someone who could make her feel like the most important person on the planet. Alison DiLaurentis deserved better than the likes of Emily Fields.

_“Might be out late tonight.”_

There was a delay in Alison’s response. Emily could practically see Alison making faces at her phone…frustrated, worrying. A few seconds later another message popped up.

_“You’re not okay, are you?” _

_“I’m not dead in a gutter somewhere and I’m not standing on the ledge of a bridge.” _

_“I wish you’d talk to me.” _

Emily stared at Alison’s message for a second and then put her phone away. She couldn’t stand to disappoint her right now. She was barely hanging on by a thread as it was. Besides, she had things to do.

She trekked out to the coordinates that Caleb had given her. It led her to a warehouse down by the docks.

Nothing was really out of the ordinary. The guys that worked there were just hanging out and playing poker. She hid in the shadows and watched them drink and smoke and tell crude jokes. And when the game was over she watched as they all got up from the table to leave.

It wasn’t until the last two guys were out in the light of the evening sunset that she realized she knew one of them.

The bouncer she’d nearly killed at the bar the night she went searching for her confiscated gun was mid-conversation with a little scraggly guy. He was sporting a tacky red cap, wearing it backwards on his head like he was some all-important ball-player.

“What the fuck was he thinking?” The little guy asked.

“Don’t know, but apparently he laid the little fag out…”

Emily felt a pool of rage burning inside of her.

Were they talking about Charles?

_I’ll fucking show him laid out…_

“Think he’ll rat him out?” Little guy frowned.

“Nah, don’t think he saw him. He got him from behind.”

_I could slit their throats right now and still make it home to Alison before dinner._

The bastard needed to die. She gripped her knife, which was all she had on her. She’d left her guns at the motel, but she could work with a blade. It would be quieter anyway. He couldn’t scream if she severed his vocal cords.

Then again, what if the man had information that could lead her directly to – as Caleb had so annoyingly put it – her _white whale_? These men were exactly the kind of men her bastard of a stepfather would have hung out with.

The little guy said something to the bouncer and then he tapered off, going around to the other side of the building. The bouncer made his way over towards the parking lot. Emily crept behind him, staying behind the cover of the crates and tankers. She watched as he pulled his hat off. He wiped his brow with his forearm.

She crept closer. She was right behind him, ready to strike from the shadows when she heard the unmistakable giggle of a child. Seconds later a little girl rounded a corner. Emily peered out and saw a car parked in the parking lot.

“Daddy!” The little girl leaped into his arms.

His big brave macho façade faded.

“Well, hello my little princess.” He picked her up and twirled her around. “Did you have fun with your auntie today?”

A skinny little woman walked around the corner touting a big stuffed bear and several balloons that had animals on them.

“We went to the zoo. I learned about monkeys and zebras!”

Emily felt something painful jolt her heart. Ellie had loved animals. She’d had one of those “See and Say” toys that made different animal noises. The little girl looked like she was around Ellie’s age, the age she would always be in Emily’s memory, the age when she died.

“She’s decided she wants to be a Veterinarian,” the woman smiled.

“No kidding.” He kissed his daughter on the head.

The little girl giggled again and hugged his neck. The entire exchange was making Emily feel very uncomfortable.

Could she kill someone knowing he had a kid? Could she do that to an innocent child? She knew what that felt like. She’d had to live with the ramifications of her dad’s murder since the day it happened.

Then again, she’d killed plenty of people overseas, and who knows if they’d had families of their own? She was already a murderer. What was one more body?

The little girl squirmed out of his arms and then excitedly started babbling about dinner before running over to the parked car.

“Thanks for watching her.”

“No problem. You sure you don’t need me to take the night shift?”

“Nah, my mom has got her. At the very least I get to see her for dinner.”

“You’re always working.”

“Since the rugrat’s mom died I’m all she’s got. Got to keep a roof over her head somehow.”

_Fuck._ Emily put her knife away.

She couldn’t kill him. She couldn’t knowingly take the life of someone who had the life of a child in his hands. Because even though he was a disgusting piece of work, it seemed like the little girl worshiped him. She didn’t cower when she saw him. She wasn’t afraid. In fact, she was _enthusiastic_ about her daddy. Emily remembered feeling that way about her own father.

Emily kept an eye on the bouncer for a while. She found out where he lived, knowing she could go there at any time if she needed information. She watched as he played tea party with his little girl and read her a bedtime story. She saw an entirely different side to him.

And it pissed her off. Because even though he was a raging asshole who threw punches at women in the pits of a bar and took potshots at gay people, he clearly cared about his daughter. Ellie had never had that. Emily and Ethan had done their best to make sure their little sister didn’t bear the brunt of that man, but in the end they hadn’t been able to protect her.

She felt a tightness creeping up her spine. Her throat felt like it was closing up. She had a strange pounding pain in her head. Her brain was trying to protect her from the memory, but it was coming back with a vengeance.

_Alison was right._

She had been repressing so much for so long that it was only a matter of time before she self-destructed.

She didn’t stick around to wait on the bouncer to get ready for his night job. She had to get some control back. She had to find a way to release the pressure.

She wanted to go back to her motel and put a gun in her mouth. Instead, she went with something a little less deadly. To dull the ache she went searching for comfort in a bottomless pit of alcohol.

She drank until she couldn’t feel _anything_ anymore. She knew Alison was going to be pissed, but she didn’t see any other options. She didn’t know any other way to cope. Drawing and swimming could only help so much.

By the time she finally stumbled back to Alison’s house she was a complete wreck. She felt like she was on fire. She just wanted something to clear her mind. She wanted the pain to stop.

She had a hard time getting the key in the lock. Lupo was at the front door standing guard. When he saw her he started wagging his tail. She looked around the living room, expecting to see a very angry blonde staring back her.

To her surprise, Alison wasn’t waiting up for her.

Emily smiled drunkenly at the dog.

“You’re a good boy.”

She walked into the kitchen. He followed her. She grabbed a chewy bone from the cabinet, somehow managing not to knock everything off of the shelf when she reached for it. Lupo spun around and whined in excitement.

She unwrapped the bone and gave it to him. He walked around with it in his mouth, crying, unsure of what to do. After a few seconds he trotted out the doggy door. Emily laughed. He was probably going to bury it.

She stood in the kitchen for a few minutes. The alcohol was making her head fuzzy and dulling some of her nerves, but it was starting to wear off. She kicked her shoes off and trudged up the stairs.

Alison’s bedroom door was open. She always left it cracked. She was snoring softly from the comfort of her bed.

Emily stood in the doorway watching her sleep. Alison had always told her to come to her if she needed her. She wasn’t sure what she needed, but she knew she _wanted_ to be with Alison…on top of her…in her. Nothing felt as good as pleasing her.

She quietly closed the door and took a hesitant step forward. She misjudged the distance and stumbled to the floor on her hands and knees.

Alison shot up in bed, yanking the covers up over herself in surprise.

“It’s just me.” Emily moved off of her knees.

“Em?” She yawned, sitting up to turn on her lamp.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” She pushed herself to her feet. Actually, yes she did. Because she wanted her. She wanted her more than she wanted anything in the world.

“Is everything okay?”

“I…” _God she’s so pretty. So hot. So fuckable. _“I need you.”

“I’m always here.” Alison sat up against her headboard.

Emily staggered towards the bed and that’s when Alison realized she was completely sloshed.

“You’re drunk.” She frowned disapprovingly.

“But I’m in one piece. And hey…I didn’t kill anyone today, including myself. Do I get a gold star for that?” She crawled into the bed.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Alison lifted her lip in a snarl.

“Oktoberfest.” Emily replied sarcastically. “Can’t you tell?”

“This has got to stop.” Alison huffed sadly under her breath. “You can’t keep destroying yourself like this.”

She made the mistake of leaning down and tracing her fingers against Emily’s cheek, not realizing where it was going to lead. Her touch always drove Emily insane, in the best way.

“You’re so beautiful.” Emily smiled at her, pushing herself up on her elbows. _So beautiful. So fucking beautiful._

Emily leaned forward and pushed her lips against Alison’s. She didn’t feel the resistance in Alison’s reaction. The blonde gently tried to push her away, knowing she wasn’t in any state of mind for them to be kissing, much less doing anything else. But Emily was too drunk to read the signals. She nuzzled against Alison’s exposed shoulder and pressed a kiss against her collar bone.

“Em…” Alison tried to get her attention. She felt herself getting hot in between her thighs. _Fuck._ Even when she didn’t want to be with Emily, she _wanted_ to be with her. “Hey, we can’t do this. Not when you’re…” She gasped when she felt Emily’s hand against her breast, groping her, tweaking her nipple. “Ohhh.” She muttered in surprise. “Emily…Em…wait…”

But Emily couldn’t comprehend her words. She had shut down so completely that she was just being guided by her hormones. Alison reached up to push her back, but Emily grabbed her wrist and pinned it against the bed. She cupped Alison’s center, rubbing her hand against her pajama bottoms.

“Stop.” Alison put her free hand against her shoulder and tried to push her away. This couldn’t happen. Not like this. “Stop it!”

“You don’t want me?” She sounded hurt. _You fucked it up. You always fuck it up._

“This isn’t happening tonight.” She felt Emily’s fingers slip across her stomach and then dip into her pajama bottoms. “Hey, I said no!”

Alison pulled away and pushed harder against Emily’s body, trying to push her off. She felt Emily rub against the outside of her underwear, moaning when she felt a wetness pooled up against the fabric. Alison cursed her body for responding to Emily’s touch. She knew she had to get her attention.

“Emily, stop!” Alison raised her voice.

She shoved Emily’s face away and elbowed her in the ribs.

The jolt to her ribs did the trick. But it did more than draw her out of her drunken stupor. It opened up a door she’d slammed closed in her mind. Everything she’d been trying to forget swirled around in her head.

She froze.

Alison saw a peculiar look on her face. Had she hit her too hard?

“Oh, shit. Are you okay?” Alison hadn’t really considered that the hit might hurt her.

Emily was shaking. She slowly looked down and her senses came back to her. She quickly ripped her hand out of Alison’s pajamas.

“Oh, God. I…” Emily looked at the girl underneath her, and it was a reminder that she’d once _been_ that girl. “I can’t…” _I can’t be like him. Am I as fucked up as he was?_ “Alison, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

She was trembling so much that her voice was breaking. The door in her mind was wide open now. And she saw everything. She saw the look on his face. She smelled the liquor on his breath. She tasted bile. She heard screams. She felt…everything.

Alison saw something on Emily’s face she only saw right before Emily had a panic attack. But it had _never_ been this bad.

“What’s wrong?” Alison’s eyes widened.

Emily’s mouth dropped open and she sat up, pulling her weight off of Alison. She reached up with her arms and curled them tight around her chest. She felt like she was going to have a heart attack.

“Emily?”

She didn’t respond to Alison’s voice. She was breathing so hard that her breaths were shaky and uneven. Emily didn’t even realize there were tears falling down her cheeks, but Alison immediately noticed them.

“Hey, you’re crying.” Alison sat up.

Despite the circumstances, she automatically reached out to comfort her. Emily pulled back, slapping her hand away.

“No. Don’t.” Emily back-peddled, nearly falling off the bed. _She’ll never be safe as long as you’re alive. You have to get away. You have to get away from her._

“Just calm down. I…”

But before she could finish, Emily was scrambling out of the bed. She raced towards the door.

Alison sat up, stunned. Something was seriously wrong. There had been a terrifying haunted expression on Emily’s face. It was the look of someone who had fallen head first into the most horrifying place in her mind. It was a look that screamed something awful had happened to her. Something more than what she’d told Alison.

“Emily, wait!” She kicked the covers off and raced after her.

But Emily was already gone. She’d made it out the front door and was racing down the driveway. Her adrenaline had sobered her up.

Alison had no idea which way she’d gone.

“Shit.” She paced the living room.

She grabbed her phone and tried to call her. She heard Emily’s phone ringing and saw it on the floor next to her shoes. Emily was out there, barefoot in the cold…without a phone.

Alison quickly changed into some pants and a T-shirt and grabbed her keys, unsure of where she was going to go. But she knew she couldn’t go alone. Emily was an expert at disappearing. If she didn’t want to be found, she wouldn’t. Alison needed help.

Cece was on the night shift at work and Aria was with her family at Disneyland. She only had one other option. And she knew it wasn’t going to go over well.

But Spencer always answered. Despite their bickering, she was always there.

“Ali? It’s two in the morning.”

“I realize what time it is…”

“Is everything okay?”

“No.”

Alison cried into the phone and told Spencer exactly what had happened. She didn’t leave anything out. She couldn’t. She needed Spencer to know the gravity of the situation.

“She just took off. I’m really worried. She was completely freaked out.”

“She should be.” Spencer sounded pissed. “She almost raped you.”

“It wasn’t like that. She stopped,” Alison explained. “And when she did…it was almost like…” That look in her eyes. _That look_. “I don’t know…she was _scared_, Spence. She was remembering something. And I think it rocked her enough that she might…” Alison bit her lip. “I’m afraid she might do something stupid.”

“You said yourself she was drunk. She’s probably just going to sleep it off somewhere.”

“No. Something snapped inside of her. I see it all the time. And I _know_ her.”

“Not as well as you think. You’ve only known her for a few months…”

“I’m in love with her!” Alison yelled, almost angrily. “I’m in love with her, okay?”

“She has _serious_ problems…”

“So did I, once upon a time.”

“It’s not the same. And you know it.” Spencer sounded exasperated, and for a second Alison regretted calling her. “I feel like I’m enabling something that’s going to blow up, and you’re going to get hit by the debris.”

“I don’t have time for a lecture. That’s not why I called. I need your _help_…”

“Ali…” Her voice wavered in uncertainty.

“Please help me. I have a really bad feeling about this…”

Spencer sighed.

“I was just going to tell you that I’m going to cover the east side of the city. You take the west. We’ll meet in the middle.”

“Thank you.” Alison said, tears burning her eyes.

“If we find her, you have to get the girl help. _Real_ help. Help that you can’t give her.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

She hung up her phone and concentrated on her driving.

She checked alleys and bars and park benches. She checked the old railway bridge. She left no stone left unturned. She was so frazzled that it didn’t dawn on her to check Emily’s motel, which is exactly where the brunette had ended up. When Alison realized that’s the only place she could be, she called Spencer and told her to meet her there.

And while the two girls were speeding towards the motel, Emily was pacing around the small bathroom. She felt like a caged animal. She’d run right past the guns, because she knew if she didn’t she’d turn them on herself. She barely noticed the cuts and abrasions on her bare feet from running out in the cold. She’d had worse.

She roughly ran her fingers through her hair, gripping her head tightly. What she’d done tonight…that was one of her worst fears. It was all _him_. She was just like him.

“No.” Emily closed her eyes.

But when she was in the dark she saw his menacing grin looming above her. She heard her brother shouting at him from inside the closet. She tried to shake the memory from her head, but she could feel it happening all over again. The image of her face slowly faded into Alison and the image of her stepfather became distorted into her face.

_You’re a fucking monster. Just like him_.

“No!” Emily growled in a panic, her fist flying forward, shattering the glass above the sink. Blood started dripping down her knuckles.

She fell backwards, bumping against the wall before toppling to the floor. Emily looked down and saw her hands completely covered in blood. She saw her brother bleeding out on the ground.

_“Fields!” _She heard someone shouting. _“Fields, you’ve got to get the fuck out of there!”_

_“Go,” _she heard Ethan’s voice fading.

_“I’m not fucking leaving you.” _

There was a loud explosion, knocking her off of her feet. She went sailing through the air. She wasn’t sure how far. Ten feet, twenty feet, a hundred feet. All she knew was that she was in a tremendous amount of pain when she finally hit the ground.

Still, through the smoke and fog she crawled back towards her brother. If she was going to die, it was going to be by his side.

Then there was another flash, one more dastardly than what had happened to her brother. The twisted and mangled body of a six-year-old…

She heard her little sister’s pleas.

_“I’m sorry, daddy! Daddy, what did I do wrong?” _

_“Ellie, baby, run! RUN!”_

_“Emmy!”_

It was her fault. Her fucking fault.

She didn’t remember picking up the shard of glass. She didn’t remember pressing the tip of it against her skin or dragging it down her arm. All she knew was that she couldn’t end up like him. She knew that she couldn’t exist in a world where she would hurt Alison.

_I won’t hurt her. I won’t be like him._

She had failed Ellie. She had failed Ethan. And now she had failed Alison. She didn’t deserve to live. She was too messed up. Too broken. Too fractured. She was tainted. And things that were tainted had to be disposed of.

What was the point of living if you were rotting on the inside?

She leaned her head back against the wall as she felt the warm flow of blood streaming into her hands. She dropped the glass shard and stared at the wall.

Death felt colder this time around.

**o ~ O ~ o**

Alison and Spencer rushed to Emily’s room with a key that Spencer had finagled out of the manager. She had threatened him with big lawyer terms that Alison was too frazzled to understand.

When they got to Emily’s room Alison barged in. The place was quiet, but Alison knew she was there. She could sense it. Her eyes immediately landed on the bathroom door. She ran towards it and tried to open it, but it was locked.

“Emily?” Alison fought desperately against the doorknob. “Open the door.”

No response.

“Emily, I know you’re in there. Open the damn door!”

Still nothing.

“Something is wrong.” Alison looked at Spencer.

Alison’s face was ashen. She looked like she was about to be sick.

“I’ve got a crowbar in my car.” Spencer quickly ran towards the door.

“Hurry.” Alison pleaded. She heard Spencer’s footsteps retreating and she turned her attention back towards the door. “Em, please…please just answer me so I know you’re okay.”

The silence was was agonizing. She felt her heart pumping wildly in her chest.

_Come on, Spence. Where the fuck are you?_

Something told her not to wait. Something deep inside of her knew. She _knew_.

Statistics.

Statistics told her what she didn’t want to hear. That look she’d seen on Emily’s face before she ran off...that was the look of someone who didn’t want to live anymore.

She slammed against the door, throwing her shoulder into it. She fought against the knob and shoved into it again. She cried out in frustration when it wouldn’t budge.

She fell to her knees and looked below the door, trying to see underneath it. She saw something tiny and reflective. She couldn’t see much other than a shadow looming near the door. But she saw something unmistakable pooling on the tile. Her eyes widened.

She stood up, her adrenaline pumping. She took a step back and then threw her foot into the door below the doorknob. She heard something crack, so she reared back and did it again. And again. She ran at it, _hard_.

The door gave way and she went tumbling into the bathroom, slipping against something wet and nearly falling to the floor. It took her a second to realize the substance she’d slipped in was thick and red.

Blood.

She looked up and saw the broken mirror, shards of glass in the sink and all over the floor. She spun around and saw Emily next to the door leaning against the wall, her legs splayed out in front of her. Her arms were covered in blood. Her clothes were drenched. Her face was pale and lifeless.

“Jesus Christ.” Alison fell to her knees next to her, dousing the knees of her pants in blood. She felt for a pulse. “Oh, honey, what did you do?”

Emily mumbled under her breath, opening her eyes long enough to look at Alison before her head fell forward again.

_She’s alive. _

How the hell was she alive?

It should have been a relief, but all Alison felt was fear. Because she didn’t want to watch her die. She couldn’t watch her die. Not again.

“Emily…” Alison held her head up. “Hold on.”

She reached for a stack of towels. She went to work to stop the bleeding. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably as she wrapped Emily’s wrists, but the blood soaked through the towels almost immediately. She frantically rummaged through the cabinets until she found a first aid kit. It was old and outdated, but it had the essentials.

She quickly slid two tourniquets on her arms and then wrapped her wrists again, packing the injuries. This time the blood didn’t soak through as fast. She held pressure against the cuts.

“I hurt you,” Emily mumbled, her eyes still closed.

“You didn’t hurt me.” Alison wiped her bloody hands on her shirt. “Look at me. I’m fine.”

“I hurt you like he hurt me…”

Alison couldn’t understand what Emily was saying. She was talking, but her lips were barely moving. It was coming out muffled. Alison cupped her cheeks. She didn’t respond. Alison gripped her cheeks harder, trying to keep her conscious.

“Don’t you fucking do this to me again.”

“You have to stop it,” she uttered.

“I’m trying. You’ve lost a lot of blood and…”

“No…” Emily weakly tried to push her away, but she was so drained that she didn’t even have the strength to move her arms. “Not the bleeding. Stop saving me. I’m not worth it. I’m too fucked up.” _Too fucked up to live._ “Just…let me die.”

God, how could she think that?

“No.” Alison replied tearfully. “You open your eyes and look at me.” To her surprise, Emily’s heavy eyelids fluttered open. “You do not get to give up like this.”

She had to refrain from calling her stupid and selfish, because that would just make things worse. And it wasn’t true. Because it wasn’t her. It was the deadly symptom of a disease. It was all her pain manifesting in the most monstrous way. It was a heart collapsing underneath a crushing weight. It was her demons snuffing out the light while she clawed through the darkness.

Alison had spent months hovering over her, worrying, watching her every move. She had felt confident that she could stop it from happening again. But she should have known from experience that it was spontaneous, and that it happened when you were least expecting it. She should have known she couldn’t stop it.

God, was this _her_ fault? Had she taken their relationship too far? She knew that getting involved emotionally was risky, but she’d never dreamed it would end up like this.

She heard a gasp from the doorway.

“Oh my God.” Spencer huffed.

“Call 911.”

“No.” Emily groaned. “They’ll want to put a hold on me.”

“You need a fucking hold. You slit your goddamn wrists.” Alison responded angrily.

Spencer was already on her phone, rushing out to verify the room number.

“I don’t want to go to Psych. It makes things worse.”

“You don’t have a choice. I’m not going to lose you.”

“You care.” Emily had tears in her eyes. She was _still_ hurting Alison. “You care, and it hurts.”

“I told you if you ever thought of doing this again to call me. And you promised.” Alison growled, her fear, frustration, and pain all rolled into one biting ball of anger. “You promised me. Why didn’t you call me?”

“I don’t deserve you.” She took a shallow breath. “I’m poison. You aren’t safe with me. You…you’ll never be safe…I had to…”

Emily’s head drooped forward, her eyes closing, her jaw going slack.

“Emily?” Alison reached down, checking her pulse. It was weak. She pulled Emily flat against the floor to try and keep her blood flowing to her heart. “You deserve more than this. You deserve me. I’m yours. I _want_ to be yours. I want you.” Demons and all. “So just…stay with me, okay, sweetie?”

Spencer came back in on her phone.

“They’re on their way.” She saw the state Emily was in. “Oh, God. Is she…”

“No. Help me get her legs elevated.” Alison ordered. “It will keep what’s left of her blood pumping to her heart.”

Spencer saw something in Alison she’d never seen before. She saw _love_. And that was a painful reminder of the severity of the situation. Her best friend was hurting. And it made her hurt as well.

Once they got Emily situated, Alison pulled Emily’s head into her lap. She leaned down and kissed her forehead.

“I love you, do you hear me? I love you, Emily. And I _want_ you.”

She wasn’t sure if Emily could hear her, but she wanted her to feel safe and validated.

“You are _wanted._ I see you. I _feel_ you. You’re going to be okay.” She pulled Emily into her arms. “The world is still moving. It’s still moving and you’re still holding on. You’re not going to fall into the darkness.” She tasted something salty, and she realized she was crying. “Keep holding on for me, sweetie.”

Emily was dying again. And Alison felt like they were right back under that bridge.

Two minutes later the paramedics were rushing in. They got her loaded up quickly. And just like she’d done the night they met, Alison rode with her to the hospital, holding her hand the entire way.

**o ~ O ~ o**

They’d whisked Emily away the second they got to the hospital. Alison spent hours agonizing over everything that had led up to this. She asked herself how many signs she missed. She was a fucking therapist for God’s sake.

“You couldn’t have known.” Spencer interrupted her self-destructive thoughts.

“But I _did_ know. I knew she was going to do this. I saw it in her eyes.”

“And we got to her in time because of that.” Spencer reminded her. “There is only so much you can do. You can’t be with someone 24 hours a day. You’re only human.”

“You were right. I never should have gotten involved with her. I never should have crossed that line. I should have just stayed professional. But now…” Alison bit her lip. “I can’t help her anymore, can I? I’m too close, right?”

“I think you know the answer to that.” Spencer didn’t want to say ‘I told you so’. Not this time.

Alison couldn’t stop pacing.

“You’re burning a hole in the floor.” Spencer tried to get her to sit down, but she refused.

“I can’t help it.” Alison stopped long enough to look at her friend. “What is taking so long?”

It was harder for her this time than it had been last time. Because last time she hadn’t loved Emily the way she loved her now.

“She lost a lot of blood. Transfusions take time.”

That wasn’t a comfort to Alison. She stared at her hands. She’d washed them at least a dozen times, but she could still see Emily’s blood caked into her nails. The blood on her clothes had dried, leaving a stiff dark thickness on the fabric. It felt weird against her skin.

She glanced out the large wall of windows overlooking the ER parking lot. The sun was coming up, though she barely comprehended it. She continued to pace the floor.

Just when she thought she might lose her mind, she saw a familiar face.

Wren Kingston. The same doctor who had assigned her Emily’s case in the first place.

“She’s stable.” Wren cut to the chase. “She lost a lot of blood, but she’ll recover.”

“I want to see her.”

“I’m afraid that’s against policy…”

“Don’t.” Alison cut him off. “Don’t feed me that bullshit. I have been working with this hospital for _years_. I’ve watched doctors come and go, but you know what never changes? _My_ patients. I’ve watched people live and die, people I _care_ about. And if something happens to her without me getting to see her one last time I swear I will rip this fucking hospital apart, and I’ll start with you.”

Wren didn’t seem intimidated. In fact, he laughed.

“Eddie warned me about you. Said you were quite the fireball when you wanted to be.” Wren nodded. “Come on then.”

Alison told Spencer she could go home, but Spencer told her she wasn’t leaving. Alison walked off with Wren.

“It’s always hard when there is a repeat attempt. I was truly hoping we wouldn’t see her in this capacity again.” Wren tried to make small talk with her, but Alison wasn’t having it.

All she cared about was Emily. She practically pushed past Wren when they got to her room.

Alison had never wanted to see her in a hospital bed again. She knew it would break her heart. And it did. Emily had always been a huge presence. She was solid and strong in a lot of ways. But when she was tied to a bed she looked so small.

She was hooked up to several different machines. There was a bag of blood hanging on an IV pole and several other bags with various fluids next to her bed, pumping things into her body.

“I’ll give you two a few moments.” Wren walked off to give them some privacy.

Alison rushed over to her bed. She was torn between kissing her and slapping her. She couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. She gripped Emily’s cheeks and placed an angry kiss against her lips. She kissed her several more times, because she had almost lost her. And she was so fucking angry. But she was so relieved she was alive.

“Ali…I…”

“God, you’re so stupid.” Alison was fuming. She took a shaky breath and tried to calm herself down. “No. _I’m_ stupid. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…”

Alison was kicking herself. She never should have slept with her. She never should have blurred those lines. She never should have made Emily feel unwanted.

“No.” Emily cut her off. The last thing she wanted was for Alison to think it was her fault. “No, don’t blame yourself. _I_ did this. _I_ made this choice. Not you.” She reminded her. She looked at the tethers on her hands. “It wasn’t anything you did. You kept me holding on longer than I would have otherwise.”

“Why did you do this?” Alison growled. “What were you thinking?”

Emily looked up at her sadly. She _wasn’t_ thinking. That was the point. She wished she knew how to explain it in a way that Alison could understand. She wished she had the words to describe it. Her brain still felt like a jumbled mess, but she knew she owed it to Alison to at least _try_ to tell her what she was going through…why it hurt so bad.

“I’d just had enough of the pain. Life…it was too loud. And I…” She swallowed hard. “_I’m_ the one who should be sorry. You um…you weren’t supposed to find me.”

“What the fuck did you think was going to happen?” Alison asked, her voice cracking. “Did you think I was just going to leave you out there alone?”

“I was hoping…”

“You lied to me.” Alison wiped away the tears on her face. “You _promised_.”

“I know, but after what happened…” She shook her head. Tears leaked from her eyes. “I don’t trust myself with you. I’m not good for you. I’m…I’m like a rabid dog. I just need to be put down.”

“Stop that.” Alison hissed at her.

“I never wanted to give you another reason to hate me.”

Alison reached forward, cupping her cheeks and rubbing her thumbs underneath Emily’s eyes to catch her tears.

“How could I possibly hate you?”

Emily looked up at her, a fractured and fragmented shell of the woman that Alison knew. She felt as though she’d been ground into dust, that there was nothing left of her.

“There’s something wrong with me.”

“There is _nothing_ wrong with you.” She grasped the side of Emily’s neck, holding her gently. “And there is nothing that would ever make me hate you. You accept me after everything I’ve done…”

“That was different. You and your brother...that was self-defense. You didn’t _actively_ seek out to hurt anyone. But me? That’s all I can ever think about. There are people that I…there’s an urge I have to hurt…to kill.”

“That’s the mentality of war. You brought it home with you. And I understand that…”

“No. This isn’t the same. I know you look at me and you see the good, but I’m not who you think I am.” She muttered. “I’m more broken than you’ll ever know. I swear I wanted to tell you. I should have told you.”

Emily tried to move in the bed, but she couldn’t because of the tethers. Alison could see they had her drugged up on all kinds of anti-psychotics. Emily sighed and quit pulling against the restraints. She looked at Alison, so beautiful and so patient.

“You asked me once _why_ I joined the army.”

Alison had assumed it was to get away from her poor home life, but she didn’t know the half of it.

“You were right that day in the office during our first session. I _was_ running.” She shivered. Revisiting her past was always hard. “I was never the same after my dad died, but things were _so much_ worse after my mom married that cop.” She was shaking so hard that the bed was rattling.

Alison saw the numbers on the machine monitoring her slowly starting to climb.

“You’ve been through a lot. If it’s too hard for you to talk right now, we can...”

“It has to be now. I have to. Because if I don’t I might lose my nerve.”

She knew it was only a matter of time before she completely shut down again. She knew that unless she told Alison now, she might never tell her. She tried to reach out for Alison’s hand, but the restraint stopped her.

Alison noticed that Emily’s hand was balling up into a fist. She gingerly put her fingers against Emily’s knuckles and threaded her fingers through Emily’s. The last thing she wanted her to do was pop her stitches and start bleeding out again.

She saw Emily start to relax. She curled her fingers forward. She looked into Emily’s eyes. There was an unspoken exchange between them, and something clicked inside of the blonde. It was something that she knew Emily wouldn’t be able to say on her own. She needed Alison to give her that push.

“He hurt you.” Alison could see the pain in her eyes.

_That’s_ what she’d been trying to say in the motel room.

“It was bad when my mom was alive, but after she died it was so much worse. She died from a blood borne infection right after she had Ellie. She never came home from the hospital.” Her voice was shaking. “And that left us with him. Him and his whiskey. Ethan and I took care of Ellie. We did our best. We tried to keep her sheltered. And for a while we did.”

She stared at her bandaged arms, not really knowing where to look. He hadn’t just abused them. He’d _destroyed_ them.

“Ethan got the brunt of the physical stuff.” She remembered one time the bastard had broken Ethan’s arm after he’d tried to come to her defense. “I got knocked around here and there. But the physical abuse was far better than the other things he did to us.”

Alison’s heart dropped. An icy chill ran through her veins. A white hot rage burned her from the inside. She felt the flame of fire crashing into an icy structure, creating a whirlwind of ire.

“He didn’t…” Alison’s tone was laced with venom. _He’s a fucking dead man. _

_That’s_ why Emily didn’t like to be touched. _That’s_ why Emily pushed her away. _That’s_ why she felt unworthy. Because of what he’d done to her. Alison felt like murdering him. She felt like putting him in the ground next to her father. She thought she’d had it bad with her parents, but _Christ_, Emily had it horrible.

Deep down, Alison suspected it. The way Emily reacted when people touched her had been a huge red flag. It had made Alison suspicious of abuse. But she didn’t want it to be true. She didn’t want to believe that anyone could do that to her.

“He’d take turns with us. Make us watch. Tell us to be good or he’d make it worse for whoever was in his bed that night.”

_That son of a bitch._ Sick fucking people existed and it just enraged Alison. She wanted to ask Emily everything about him, because she was going to find him and put a bullet in between his eyes.

No. She wanted to make him suffer first. She wanted to tie him to a chair and rip his fingernails off with pliers. She wanted to shove his head underwater until he thought he was going to die and passed out, and then wake him up and do it all over again. She wanted him to feel _pain_.

“I was twelve the first time.”

Emily squeezed her eyes shut. All the things she’d been fighting so hard to forget were swirling around in her head. She remembered the searing pain. The noises he’d made. Her lungs feeling like they were caving in. Ethan screaming from the closet, threatening to kill him.

_Twelve. _Twelve fucking years old. A baby. A child. How could anyone…

“Oh, sweetie…”

“Don’t.” She shook Alison’s hand away, not wanting pity. She hated pity. It made her feel like a victim. And she wasn’t. She was a goddamn survivor. She’d become a warrior because of it. “It was worse for me to watch my brother in pain. Because at least when it was me I could just…disconnect. But when he hurt Ethan I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t take his pain away. And he was _always_ harder on Ethan.”

_I’m going to cut his dick off and feed it to him._ Alison was irate.

She mindlessly stroked Emily’s cheek, trying to comfort her. But how did you comfort someone who went through something like that? How did you make something like that better? You couldn’t make it go away. The scars remained.

“One night he didn’t…um…stop before he…uh…he wasn’t careful. I didn’t know until I missed my period the next month.” She took a shaky breath. “I was terrified of what he’d do. So I told Ethan and we made an appointment. We lied about my age on all the forms, because we didn’t want to be turned away.” Her lips were trembling. “He held my hand when I got the abortion. And then when we went home that night…he was waiting. Ethan picked a fight with him long enough for me to get to my room and push my dresser up against the door. But I could hear the screams. It woke Ellie up. I had to cover her ears and rock her back to sleep while he was beating on our brother right outside our door. That was my life. That was what I had to live with every day. I’ve wanted to tell you, but I just...I couldn’t.”

“I will fucking _kill_ him.” Alison seethed angrily through her teeth.

She was trying to contain her anger. She didn’t want to make this any harder for Emily.

Alison squeezed her hand. Emily took a breath. It was hard for her to talk about. It was hard for her to _think_ about.

“It went on for years. We did what we could to protect each other. We even talked about running away, but Ellie was too young. And we knew that as long as he was focused on us…he wouldn’t be focused on her. So we did what we had to do.”

But they were babies. They were _children_. They shouldn’t have had to live like that. _No one_ should have to live like that.

_It never should have happened._ Alison felt tears stinging her eyes. Someone should have noticed. Someone should have said something. _Anything_.

“There was no one around to help us. There was no one we could turn to. We only had each other. My brother was my rock. He was all I had.” Emily felt a tear trickling down her cheek.

Alison reached up to wipe it away. She left her palm in place. She could feel Emily’s jaw chattering.

“God, Em…I don’t…I don’t know what to say.”

In all her years of working in counseling she’d never been at the mercy of her emotions like this. But she knew it was because she was _involved_. She loved her.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Emily said softly. “I just want you to know…to understand…why I am the way that I am. It’s why I’m broken.”

“You’re not broken. What happened to you…that wasn’t…” She was floundering in her thoughts. She was heartbroken and angry and ready to set the fucking world on fire. “You were just a little girl. And he…” _God_, she was _so_ fucking pissed, “…what he took from you…what he _did_ to you…”

“That’s not the worst part.” Emily quietly interrupted her. “I let my guard down for _one_ minute one day…” She let out a sob, “…he blindsided her. It was my job to protect her…and he…” She was having a hard time talking. “She had just spilled her juice. She was just trying to clean it up…”

_“I’m sorry, daddy! Daddy, what did I do wrong?” _

Emily huffed out a sob, squeezing her eyelids closed, a steady stream of tears cascading down her face.

“He strangled her. He locked me in a closet and he killed her…and I saw it all. I saw it, and I couldn’t do a fucking thing about it.”

She remembered being able to hear Ellie crying. She remembered being able to see through the tiny crack in the door. She remembered clawing at the wood so hard that her fingers started to bleed.

“I tried to get out. My hands were bleeding.” She let out a shaky breath. “I couldn’t stand to hear her cries. I would have walked through fire to get to her. But I was trapped. She was crying for me right up until the very end. And then…when the crying stopped…I felt this awful ache. I’ve been living with it ever since. Because that silence is the loudest noise I’ve ever heard. And it’s all I hear now. All the fucking time. That fucking silence is so loud.”

She remembered how he’d left them to crack open a beer. She remembered the pure heartache and rage she’d felt when Ethan had come home from work and had saved her…and the absolute agony she’d felt when she realized her sister was dead.

She remembered snapping and grabbing one of his guns, ready to kill him. He’d seen her coming and had struck her in the head with a lamp. She’d dropped the gun, but didn’t falter in her attack.

“I completely lost my shit. I went after him with a fireplace poker. I got in a few whacks before he took it from me and turned it on me. He hit me twice before Ethan pulled me away. He got me out before I got myself killed. And we ran, because we knew if we stayed he’d kill us, too. And we knew he’d get away with it. He’s a _cop_. He knows how to cover up a murder.”

And that’s exactly what he’d done with Ellie’s death. It had become a prominent case that his fellow dirty cop buddies pinned on someone who didn’t exist…a drifter coming through…a _JonBenet Ramsey_ story. A tragedy for the father who had lost his little girl. He was painted as a victim and everyone fucking bought it.

“The night we got away he threatened to kill us if he ever saw us again. So Ethan and I disappeared. We stayed in motels for a little while, but then we decided it wasn’t far enough away. We wanted to be _gone_ gone. So…we enlisted. And for years, it was just the two of us. He’s the only person in my whole life who ever gave a shit about me. He spent his entire life protecting me.”

The day she’d lost him she’d lost a piece of herself. Without her brother she didn’t have the will to live anymore.

“The _one_ time I should have been able to protect him, I failed. He is only dead because I was in trouble and he came to help me. He had my back until his very last breath.” She was sobbing, unable to breathe. “I failed my sister and my brother. And now I’ve let you down…”

“You didn’t…”

“What I did to you…I’m just like that psycho my mom married. I’m no better than he was. I’m a fucking monster.” She looked at Alison. “And I would rather die than to be like him.”

“You are _nothing_ like him.” She was teeming with hatred and pain and anger for the girl she loved. She was so angry at the man who had twisted her into the most hurt version of herself. “And I swear to God if he ever steps foot in your life again I’ll mow him down with my car.”

For some reason, that got a laugh out of Emily. Alison immediately realized it was probably because Emily had fantasized about killing the guy for years.

“Ethan and I always talked about _Lingchi._ “Death by a thousand cuts”. Chinese form of torture. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve imagined strapping him down somewhere and making him suffer. But that would be a lot easier to do if I knew where he was. Ethan and I had been trying to keep track of him, but once we were shipped out we didn’t ever think we’d be coming back. Our old place was condemned. Couldn’t find a listing for him anywhere. I don’t even know if he’s still alive. But I feel like he is. That night at the club…the night I was drugged…” She chewed on her lip. “I swear I saw him. I feel like he’s everywhere…”

“He won’t get anywhere _near_ you. Let him try.”

“It’s not me I’m worried about. I could never live with myself if he…if he’s here and he wants to hurt me, he’ll use the people I care about to do it…”

“I’ll take a fucking blowtorch to him right now.”

“No. You don’t know who you’re dealing with.”

“I know he hurt someone I love. And I know I won’t fucking stand for that.” There was a spark of fire in her eyes. “What’s the bastard’s name? We’re not going to let him get away with this.”

“I can’t…I _won’t_ drag you into this.”

“You’re not dragging me. I’m insisting on coming along.”

They heard footsteps approaching and the conversation stopped. Wren walked in.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to wrap it up. They’ll be in to take her to Psych soon.”

“Just give us one more minute.” Alison pleaded.

He nodded and walked off. She waited until she heard his footsteps completely fade and then she faced Emily again.

“I don’t want to go.” Emily sounded exhausted, and it was hard for Alison to hear. “I don’t want to be alone. Please stay with me. I want to be with you. I know I fucked everything up, but you’re all I care about.”

“You know I can’t stay. They have to observe you for 72 hours.” She saw Emily turn away and she touched her cheek. “But I will be here the _second_ those 72 hours are up. And you’re coming home with me.”

“What if I lose control again?”

“You weren’t yourself last night. And I know that. And you _did_ stop. You heard me when it mattered.”

“You’re not safe when I’m around. I have too many demons…”

It killed Alison to hear her talk this way.

“And we’ll fight those demons together.” Alison reached out, brushing some of Emily’s hair behind her ear. “There is no way in hell I’m letting you face this alone, Em. Because I love you.”

Emily swallowed a knot in her throat and turned away.

“Hey, no…look at me when I tell you this.” Somewhere along the line she had fallen for the brunette, and she’d fallen hard. “I’m in love with you. And I know you’re battling something huge here. But I’m standing right beside you telling you that I want to fight with you. I want you to get better, because I want _you_. I want to have a life with you.”

Emily wanted that, too, more than anything. But she still didn’t understand why.

“Why me? I’m damaged. That’s all people see when they look at me. They know I’m not normal. I can’t hold your hand or tell you how I’m feeling or what you mean to me. I can’t talk to you the way someone normal can…”

“Emily, I don’t care about normal. What I care about is us. What you’re fighting is complicated, and I understand that. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. I care about _you_…about what you do for me, about how you make me feel. I care that you hold me when we sleep and that you touch my face and look at me when you want to say something important. I care about the times you’ve gone to bat for me. I care about you stepping in when I was being harassed at that bar. I care about you not judging me for what happened with my parents, and…and for being there for me when I fell apart in a pool with sub-degree temperatures.”

“Could have gotten yourself killed doing that.” Emily mumbled.

“The girl who almost died is lecturing me about getting myself killed?”

The raw unadulterated dark humor was surprising for Emily to hear given the circumstances. But she knew that when Alison was pissed off she didn’t have a filter.

“The situations aren’t even remotely close and you know it.”

“You didn’t abandon me when I was at my lowest. As a matter of fact, I seem to recall you making me a hangover breakfast.”

“I also pulled a knife on you during that breakfast. Are we going to pretend that didn’t happen?”

“You’re suffering so much…”

“Was it the suicide that tipped you off?” Emily rolled her eyes.

“Trying to piss me off isn’t going to work. You can bark at me all you want, Killer, but you can’t push me away. You’re stuck with me whether you want to be or not.”

“I can’t give you what you deserve. I can’t give you a life.”

“I don’t care. Don’t you get that? What we have doesn’t fit into a neat little box for people to label who we are. Fuck society and their ideals of love. We’re not the giggly teenagers snuggling in the movie theater. We’re not the married couple ordering each other’s dinner at our favorite restaurant. We’re not those two lovers that have to give one another a play-by-play of our feelings. It’s more than that. It runs deeper than that. I know what I feel for you, and I know you feel the same.”

There was a moment of silence, a hesitation on Emily’s end.

“I do,” Emily said quietly. “It scares me sometimes. I…uh…I’ve been beaten, attacked, shot, blown up…and nothing scares me more than this…feeling. At least I think it’s a feeling. I don’t know. I see people trying to define it and it’s confusing and I just…I don’t know.”

“And that’s okay. Just because we don’t shout it from the mountaintops doesn’t mean it’s not there. We don’t have to talk about it, because you and I…we _feel_ it. I don’t care what anybody else thinks, because I know what we have. I know who we are together.”

Emily nodded, a watery smile on her face. She’d never been able to tell Alison just how wonderful she was, but she felt every single emotion coming out of her. She always had. She’d loved her since they’d met. She’d just never been able to tell her in the right way.

“You have me. We have _us_. And we’re going to tackle this together. I’m going to be with you every step of the way. But you have to meet me halfway here.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Just trust me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Things are going to be different. You’re going to need to do outpatient therapy. And no more alcohol,” Alison said. “I’m going to get you set up with some AA meetings. And sweetie, you _have_ to take your meds.”

Emily cringed. Alison still didn’t know about her liver. But she wasn’t at a point where she needed to tell her yet. They had to tackle one thing at a time.

“Okay.”

Alison wasn’t sure if she was agreeing to it because she was so subdued or if she really meant it. But she was determined to get her back on the right track.

“I’m sorry I’m putting you through this again.” Emily frowned.

Alison knew that it wasn’t her. It was the disease. She was sick. Alison knew she was sick. But Emily was worth all the pain in the world. Alison would do anything for the brunette, and they both knew it. Everyone around them knew it.

“I would do anything for you, Em.” Alison stroked her knuckles.

If she could move mountains for her, she would. She would do the impossible for Emily Fields.

“Me too.” Emily curled her fingers around Alison’s. She _wanted_ to get better for Alison.

Alison leaned over and kissed Emily gently. She lovingly stroked her face. Emily could taste the mixture of their tears. They tasted sour, because _she_ had caused them. But they were sweet, because they were a source of life, a source of passion and pain and everything that made life worth living. Tears showed how much people cared. It was a way for people to know they were alive. Tears separated humanity from monsters. They were human. They had a soul.

It was the heart’s connection to the body, letting out a cascade of pain before the dam ruptured inside of the body.

Tears hurt. And then they healed.

The motion of Alison’s lips against hers made her feel alive, and all she wanted to do was touch her. She lightly pulled against the restraints again, but then gave in, letting the taste of Alison’s sweet breath against hers settle into her veins. It was going to have to be enough to get her through the next three days. She was going to have to search for the sunshine through all the storms. It was going to have to be enough. Alison was going to have to be enough.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Alison brushed Emily’s hair out of her face.

Leaving her was extremely hard. She looked like a shell of herself. Alison had seen Emily through some really tough things, but this was on a whole different level.

Alison was visibly shaken when she walked back into the waiting room.

Spencer stood up to greet her.

“Is she okay?”

_Far from it._

“She’s alive. That’s all that matters.”

“Are _you_ okay?” Spencer asked, putting her hand on Alison’s arm.

“I’m fine.”

“It’s fine for you to admit that you’re not okay. I know what she means to you…”

“Do you?” Alison snapped angrily. “Because all I’ve been getting from you since I told you about her is judgement and pushback. All you’ve done is criticized me...criticized _us_.”

Alison was exhausted. And she was angry. And Spencer was the closest thing for her to use as a punching bag. And Spencer understood that. So she didn’t take the bait. She didn’t want to fight with her. Instead she just pulled her in for a hug. And Alison was too tired to fight it, so she hugged her back, burying her face into Spencer’s shoulder as she cried.

She cried for herself, but mostly…she cried for Emily. She’d been waiting for her to open up for months. She had never dreamed it would hurt this much when she did. She felt Spencer stroking the back of her head and quietly shushing her.

“Losing her is…” It pained her to think about it. “I can’t even fathom it. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

“Listen…” Spencer pulled back. She thumbed away Alison’s tears. “You’re not going to want to hear this, but if you’re not going to look out for you, _someone_ needs to. She’s drowning. You know she is. And when someone is drowning and they start to pull you down with them sometimes you have to let them go to save yourself. And that doesn’t make you a bad person or selfish. It doesn’t even mean that you can’t still be there for her. I know this is hard. I know you feel responsible. But just because you saved her once doesn’t mean you have to keep saving her.”

“I’ll never stop trying.” Alison wiped her face.

“I worry about what this relationship is doing to you.” She straightened Alison’s hair, pushing a lock of it behind her ear.

“I can’t stop loving her.”

“I know.” Spencer sighed.

That’s what she’d been afraid of. Because she knew how their story ended. She knew that Alison was going to get her heart broken. And she knew there was nothing she could do to stop it. Alison and Emily were in this together. They had been in it together since the night they met. Because love wasn’t rational. Love didn’t care about sanity. And sometimes, love was more painful than anything else in the world.

* * *

**A/N:** _This is by far the darkest I have ever gone with any of my stories. Depression and suicide can manifest itself in many ways. You can’t stop these things from occurring, but you can be there for someone if they are behaving erratically. It’s always good to ask people if they are okay. It’s also important to know that no matter how much you might love someone who is suicidal, you can’t bear the weight of their pain. You are never to blame. _

_As with all of the heavier topics I cover, I struggle with where to draw the line in fiction. It’s important to talk about sexual abuse, suicide, and domestic violence. It’s important to have those conversations. It’s also important to show it for what it is without glorifying it. That is a VERY hard line to toe._

_I have so many friends who are survivors of sexual assault and physical violence, as well as friends with depression and suicidal tendencies. I’ve personally suffered my own trauma in life, though I don’t tend to talk about it. My friends and I have talked a lot over the years about how and when to approach these topics in writing. It always comes from a place of sensitivity and compassion, and I hope that comes across. _

_Several of my friends who are survivors wanted to read this particular chapter. I eventually let them (because I knew they’d find a way to anyway), with one condition…I had to be with them when they did. Afterwards we went out to eat and we talked about mental health as a whole. I made sure someone was with them that night. I didn’t want them alone. _

_And I want anyone who might feel alone to know that you can always reach out to me. Reach out to your loved ones…as hard as it might be. If you are in a household where you are being abused in any capacity, please reach out to a lifeline. If you are feeling suicidal, please pick up the phone and call someone…anyone._


	13. The Art of Pain

**A/N:** _Now that Emily’s past is officially out in the open, just know that there will be references to sexual assault and suicide. There will not be anything graphic. But just the mention of it can trigger survivors. So I want people to be aware of it. _

_The last chapter was the heaviest in this whole fic. It eases up a little from here on out. I’m not saying it’s going to be a cakewalk in the park, but the previous chapter is as bad as it gets. _

_I know I say it all the time, but I had some serious reservations about doing this story...and doing it properly. I knew that there was a very real possibility that it would strike a chord, especially for anyone who has ever been through it. Take care of yourselves.  
_

* * *

**Chapter 13:**

**The Art of Pain**

Emily’s stay in Psych was intense. After years of repressing her pain she had finally hit rock bottom.

The physical aspect was brutal. Not only was she feeling the weight of her psychosis, but her liver values were elevated so she was sick to her stomach. She had told Alison almost everything before she was taken to Psych, but she’d left that out.

Her psychosis was worse than her liver being inflamed. The panic of being strapped down made her psychically sick, because she was seeing things that weren’t there…and she couldn’t fight back. Every time one of the doctors or nurses touched her, though they were gentle, she saw him and she panicked.

She was constantly sweating through her hospital gown. She threw up several times. She had tremors when she was awake and she thrashed around in bed when she was asleep. She felt like she was dying, and she hated the irony of feeling like death without actually dying.

Her nightmares were so realistic that she couldn’t tell when she was awake and when she was asleep. She saw things in the shadows. She saw the faces of the people she’d seen die in battle. She saw the trauma of her childhood.

Then she saw her family. All of them…gone…living on in some eternal afterlife without her. It was like death was taunting her. It’s like it was an unobtainable goal.

The worst part of her hallucinations was when she was forced to face the memories of him. She could feel his hands around her neck. She could feel him suffocating her. She couldn’t escape. And she couldn’t fight back because she was tied down.

She struggled. She cried. She screamed.

The nurses and doctors tried to bring her down from it, but it was no use. She knew they couldn’t help her.

The one person she needed was locked out. But that didn’t mean she didn’t cry out for her. When she wasn’t screaming she was calling her name. She begged. She pleaded. Sometimes she hallucinated that she was there with her.

She needed Alison.

She tried to hold on to the kiss they’d shared right before Alison had left her hospital room, but she was so lost in her mind she wasn’t sure that had even happened. She wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t.

Minutes felt like hours. Hours felt like days. It got worse when they extended her stay from three days to five days.

When Alison found out she threw a fit. She knew that Emily wasn’t doing well, but she also knew that she needed her. Being away from her was hard. All she wanted to do was hold her. She wanted to make sure she was okay, even though she knew she was not okay.

They had to wait another agonizing forty-eight hours before they were able to see each other again. But Alison kept her promise. She was there the second Emily could have visitors.

Emily didn’t say anything when she saw her. She thought it was another one of her hallucinations.

“You’re not real.” Emily stared at her.

Alison reached out and touched her hand. When Emily didn’t pull away, Alison knew it was okay to push it further. She leaned down and pressed a kiss against her lips. Emily felt a spark in her chest. She leaned up off of the mattress and pushed into the embrace. When she pulled back she moved her palm away from the bed.

The first thing she realized is that she was untethered. The second thing she realized was that she could feel her. She could physically feel her.

Alison sat against the edge of her bed. Emily squeezed Alison’s hand. When she felt the pain of her stitches pulling against her arm she realized it wasn’t a hallucination.

Emily moved over and tugged on her hand. What she needed was to feel Alison’s body against hers. And Alison understood that without her having to ask. She scooted next to her. Emily’s body was hot against hers. She was like a furnace.

Emily wrapped her arms around her. It was the only human contact she’d wanted for the past five days. She drank her in. She felt the smoothness of her skin. She inhaled the scent of her shampoo. She cradled her, rubbing her palm against Alison’s arm.

Alison closed her eyes, and for a few brief moments she forgot where they were. She felt like they were at home, Emily spooning her, always the big spoon. The brunette always wanted to be wrapped around her, as if her embrace could protect her from the entire world.

“Ali?” Emily asked.

Alison opened her eyes, and the vision of their home was gone. She stared at the pastel walls. They were supposed to be calming. But to Alison they just felt kind of dull. Alison wiggled in her arms, rolling so they were facing each other.

“Yeah?”

“I want to go home.”

Alison had never heard Emily refer to her house as ‘home’ before. She liked the sound of it. But unfortunately she couldn’t take her home. Not yet. Her doctor had advised that she go to a facility for mental health services. He’d recommended two weeks of inpatient therapy and two weeks of outpatient therapy, which wasn’t a surprise to Alison. She knew that Emily was going to need extensive therapy.

“I know. But you have to get a little more help first.”

“I’m so tired of _help_.” It felt like the more people helped, the worse she felt. “I don’t want to talk about my feelings. I don’t want to sit around and reminisce about all the shit I went through.”

It just made things harder for her. It’s not like they could give her a pill to make her forget the violence and the assault. It’s not like talking about any of it would change it.

“You don’t have a choice. This has been _killing_ you for years. It’s not going to get any better unless you face it. You have to find a better way to cope. You can’t stop the bleeding unless you find the source.”

Emily knew she was right. That was basic medical training. She’d applied it various times over the years for physical injuries. But wounds that weren’t visible to the naked eye were the real nefarious injuries. Because they bled and festered without anyone knowing until they slowly killed you.

“It hurts.” It hurt _so_ fucking much. Everything hurt. Her thoughts. Her memories. She couldn’t close her eyes without seeing death. “I don’t want to have these thoughts.”

“I know.”

There was a quiet pause. Emily was drawn into Alison’s eyes. She had missed her eyes. She had missed looking at her. She never realized how much she took her beauty for granted. She looked into Alison’s eyes and she saw the calmness of a cool summer day, but the unforgiving passion of the deep blue ocean. She imagined if she was in space looking down upon the Earth, it still wouldn’t be half as beautiful as Alison’s eyes.

She looked at her and she saw so much. She saw the pain she’d caused. She saw the determination she had. She saw the love she held in her heart. She was terrified she was going to disappoint her...that she would cause those beautiful blue eyes to fill with tears and despair again.

“I don’t know if this is something I can come back from.” Emily put her palm against Alison’s neck. God, she’d missed touching her.

“You can.” Alison strummed her fingers through Emily’s hair. “You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.”

“I think you’re one of the most remarkable.” Emily cupped Alison’s cheek.

Alison met Emily’s gaze. Their lips brushed together in a sensual kiss. When they pulled away Alison could see a world of pain in her expression. She had let her guard down completely. She had let Alison in. And Alison could see how much it hurt her…how hard it was for her.

Telling Alison the truth had lifted a weight off of her chest. But at the same time it had added a different kind of pressure. She was worried that Alison might look at her differently. She didn’t want to be seen as weak or vulnerable. She didn’t want sympathy or pity. The fact that Alison knew what she’d been through was daunting, because she didn’t want Alison to see her scars.

“I’ve never talked to anyone about this. Ethan was the only one who knew. You’re the first person I ever told.” She was the first person she’d ever trusted. “I don’t…I don’t know if I can do that with some stranger.”

It broke Alison’s heart to hear it. To have to hold on to something like that…no wonder she was spinning out.

She wanted nothing more than to take Emily’s pain away. But she hadn’t been able to do that by herself. That was part of her problem. She thought she could solve problems she didn’t even know existed. She thought she could take on the world and win.

“I love you, Em. But you need more help than I can give you. And it’s because I love you that I can admit that.” Alison knew that she was too invested to be able to look at things with an unbiased perspective.

She knew that Emily needed her as her partner, not as her therapist. She knew she had to take a step back and breathe. She couldn’t give Emily the help she needed, and she was okay with that. Because she _could_ give her something more. She could give her the support she needed.

“I don’t want to do it alone. Will you be with me?”

“I’ve been with you the whole time.” Alison traced her fingers against Emily’s cheek. “I’m not going anywhere.”

They moved in for another kiss. Every motion felt so surreal to Emily. After everything she’d done, she still had Alison’s love.

“I can’t believe you’re still here.”

“I always will be.”

Emily smiled at her.

“How can you still look at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you haven’t seen the things I’m capable of? Like I’m beautiful and unblemished.”

“Because to me, you _are_ beautiful and unblemished.” Alison stroked her fingers through Emily’s hair. “You once told me that the demons we have in our past are not a reflection of who we are in the present. You remember that? It was right after I told you the truth about Jason. You made me feel whole and loved. And I want that for you, too. I love you regardless. Because no matter who you are, you are beautiful to me.” Alison cradled her cheeks. “And I know that scares you. But I’m here. And I want to help. I want you to let me help.”

Emily grumbled. The last thing she wanted to do was drudge everything up and talk to some stranger about it. But Alison was right. She clearly needed help. She needed to talk about her past.

So with Alison’s help, she let herself be vulnerable. She agreed to the therapy. She agreed to everything. Because she was afraid she’d lose more than her life if she didn’t. She was afraid she’d lose Alison.

Emily had a team of psychiatrists working with her when she was transferred to the mental health facility.

Alison was true to her word. She was with her every step of the way. Sometimes it helped, but sometimes it hindered her. There were times she started to talk about the things her stepfather had done and she thought about the images she was conjuring up in Alison’s head…and she felt guilty. Because she didn’t want Alison to have to live with it, too.

Alison reassured her. She held her hand when she started to shake in anger. She wiped her tears when she cried in frustration. She told her she was there.

There were times Emily asked her to leave the room. And Alison always respected her wishes.

The hardest sessions for Emily were the hypnosis based ones. One of her psychiatrists would sedate her and have her tap into her memories as a way to help her get the subconscious pain out. She always broke out of it screaming and in the midst of a panic attack. She knew she had a long road ahead, but she didn’t give up.

The more Alison heard the angrier she got. She had never hated anyone more than she hated the man who had hurt Emily and her siblings. She tried to get Emily to tell her who he was, but Emily wouldn’t name him, so Alison dug into it on her own.

She assumed that given the circumstances around Ellie’s death she’d be able to pull up a news story and get all the information she needed, but all she found was incomplete articles that only named Ellie by her first name. Every picture she saw was the same school portrait with her last name blurred out.

She was an adorable little girl with dark hair and brown eyes. Alison couldn’t get over how much she looked like Emily. The only difference was that she had lighter skin.

Alison looked into Ellie’s bright eyes and she was irate. She was irate that she was dead. She was irate that Emily had watched her die. She saw a world of promise snuffed out. And she also thought about how it could have been Emily. Emily could have been the one who died. She knew that Emily wished it had been her. She’d told Alison numerous times she wanted to trade places with her sister. And Alison didn’t doubt that she would.

Every single article she found about Ellie’s death had the same information:

_“The names of immediately family will not be released at the request of the family and in coordination with the police department, as this is an ongoing investigation.”_

It seemed impossible that _someone_ hadn’t managed to get the full scoop. Then again, she knew how gag orders worked. She knew that if this man was a cop, he would have had a tight leash around the whole thing. He’d controlled the whole damn show.

Alison slammed her palms down angrily on her desk, nearly knocking her laptop to the ground.

“I’m going to fucking kill him.” She said it at least twice a day. It was her mantra.

When she didn’t get anywhere with the investigation on her own she knew she had to ask for help.

Initially, she wanted to ask Spencer. She thought that maybe Spencer could get her hands on the police report, but she knew it would be risky. Not only could it put Spencer’s career in jeopardy, but if she happened to find the bastard and he ended up dead Spencer would know exactly what happened. Spencer was already sniffing out the truth about the night her parents were killed. She didn’t outright ask Alison, but Alison got the feeling that she knew.

Alison knew there was only one person she could trust with her secrets. So she filled out the paperwork and made the long drive out to the penitentiary to see her brother.

**o ~ O ~ o**

Jason noticed how frazzled she was immediately. He had no idea what Alison had been going through with Emily.

“What’s wrong?” He asked the second the officer walked out of the room.

Alison turned around to make sure the door was closed. She knew that the officers visually monitored the room, but she knew they didn’t listen because some violation of privacy clause.

“They can’t hear us, right?”

“Even if they could they don’t give a shit.” Jason shrugged. “I guarantee you Pudgy the Pig is on his phone right now, swiping right on some piece of ass who will never give him the time of day.”

They waited to see if there was any reaction, but the cop wasn’t even looking at them. He was on his phone, probably doing exactly what Jason said.

“So, what’s up?” Jason faced her.

Alison felt bad. She didn’t get to see her brother very often. She felt like she was using him. But he was the only person she trusted enough to talk to.

“I need a favor.” She hated coming to him like this, especially after everything he’d done for her.

“Don’t know how much I can do for you in here.” Jason lifted his shackles and chuckled.

“Do you still have that contact that can find people and…_fix_ things?”

_Fix_ was a relative term. It’s something Jason had told her about elite special forces. Basically, they were assassins.

“Why?” He asked, his eyes wide. “Did someone hurt you?” He balled his hands into fists. “Who?”

“It’s not for me. It’s for Emily.”

It took a moment for Jason to register the name.

“Emily…that’s the girl you’ve been dating, right?”

“God, Aria and her big mouth. I’m going to kill her.”

“You don’t have to feel weird about it.” Jason reached out to touch her hand, but the restraints stopped him. She put her hand on top of his, glancing to make sure the cop wasn’t looking to reprimand them. “I know mom and dad did a number on you, but you don’t have to hide who you are from me.”

“I know.”

“Aria says she’s retired military. Is that what this is about? Is she in some kind of trouble?”

“No. It’s not what you think. And she has no idea I’m doing this. If she did she would blow a gasket.”

She’d already blown _several_ gaskets. Alison didn’t need to add to that.

“I don’t know…”

“I need this. Someone hurt her. And I need to make sure he’s as far away from her as possible. In the ground. I never want him to be able to hurt her again.”

He saw something in her expression…a pain that radiated off of her. It was an anger he’d seen on her face before…the night she’d killed their parents.

“You _really_ care about this girl, huh?” he asked.

“I love her. I would do _anything_ for her. I know you, of all people, understand that.”

Jason nodded. There was no one else in the world he would rot in jail for. After he joined the army his parents had taken all their aggression they’d been taking out on him and shifted it over to Alison. If he had stayed things could have been so different. His little sister deserved a shot at a normal life.

“What did this person do to her?”

“I’d prefer just to keep that between us.” Alison frowned, but she couldn’t hide her rage. “Let’s just say…imagine dad, but worse.”

Jason’s lip curled into a snarl. Even though their father was dead and buried Jason would never forgive him for what he’d done to his little sister.

“All right. What’s this fucker’s name?”

Alison looked around the room, paranoid that they were being watched. She leaned forward and lowered her voice.

“She won’t tell me. But I have her information, so I thought maybe at the very least _someone_ could find out more about her past and dig it up.”

Jason didn’t like where this was going. He knew Emily was military. He knew that there was a reason she was being vague about this man. It told him just how dangerous the situation could get.

“You ever stop to consider that there is a reason she won’t give up his name?”

“Oh, I know the reason. But I don’t give a shit. I don’t care how scary he is. Because as scary as he might be, I’m pretty fucking scary myself when I’m pissed off.”

Jason didn’t argue. He’d been on the receiving end of her hurling barbies at his head when she was little.

“Just wanted you to make sure you knew what you were getting in to.” He shrugged. “So, what are we working with?”

“Her name is Emily Fields. Her dad was killed in a mass shooting in front of her when she was six.”

“Fuck. That’s rough. No wonder she ran off to join the army.”

“That’s not why.” Alison shook her head. “Her mom remarried some psychopath. He’s the one who hurt her. After her mother died he was awful to her and her brother and sister.”

“She’s got siblings? We could definitely pull information from them…”

“She’s the only one left. Her older brother Ethan was killed overseas and her little sister Ellie was killed by her stepfather. He got away with it. That’s who I need to find.”

“Christ.” Jason muttered to himself. “I bet _that_ was the Ellie that Aria was talking about the last time she was here. I think I was overseas at the time, but I remember hearing stories about some kid killed back home.” He made a face. “Something like that would be all over the news. His name isn’t in any of the stories?”

“Not that I could find. It all says a lot of the same thing…that the family was ‘requesting privacy’ and that it was ‘an ongoing investigation’. For all I know he changed his name and went into hiding.”

“My guy should be able to track it.”

Alison looked at the stone cold expression on his face, and she felt a moment of hesitation. She was sitting in a prison visitation room across from the only person in her life who had always been there for her. And she was asking him to break the law for her…_again_.

She felt like a monster.

But then she pictured Emily…sitting in a pool of her own blood. She thought about the self-destructive thoughts…the feelings of absolute worthlessness. And she thought about the man who had tortured her. Emily’s childhood had been nothing but pain. She thought about how it must have felt for Emily to feel suffocated and trapped and not be able to escape. She thought about the pain she’d endured over the years. She imagined how awful it must have been. She imagined her cries.

Only she didn’t have to imagine them. She’d _heard_ them in her night terrors.

She thought about how afraid she was…and about how brave she’d been. She’d stood up to him, even though it had almost gotten her killed. She fought like hell. That’s who she was. She was a fighter.

But she was losing the one fight that mattered. She was losing the battle in herself. Alison blinked and she saw the blood running down Emily’s arms.

_“I’m too fucked up.” _Emily legitimately thought she was too fucked up to live.

He had done that to her. He was the cause of everything terrible in her life. He hurt her. He had killed her little sister in cold blood. He pushed her out of the house and into the army. He was the reason Emily’s brother was dead. He was the reason Emily had nightmares about her squad being blown to bits. He was the reason she flinched every time someone touched her.

Her hesitation passed. Jason was already in jail and there was nothing she could do about it. And he could help her.

“You okay?” he asked softly.

“Yeah.” She rubbed her temple. “I just don’t like the idea of any of this coming back on you.”

“What are they going to do? Throw me in jail?” He lifted his brows.

“Jase, there’s one more thing about this…” Alison frowned. “This guy…he was a cop. So please be careful. If anyone finds out about this…”

“I can handle myself.”

“I don’t doubt that. But I don’t want it to come to that.”

She took a moment to really look at her brother. He’d maintained his physical stature. In fact he’d been getting bulky and buff over time, but mentally she could see him fading away. He was a former shell of who he’d been when he was younger.

“How are you? No bullshit.” Alison asked.

Jason took a calculated breath and lifted his brows.

“Well, I’m the prison chess champion. And I play a mean game of checkers, too.” He chuckled. Alison glared at him. “I’m fine, Ali. Everything is fine.”

“Is it really fine or are you just telling me that because you know that’s what I want to hear?”

“God, how does Emily put up with your psychology BS?” He gave her a hard time.

“She doesn’t.”

“I like this girl.”

“You would. You really would if you met her. You’re both ridiculously stubborn and drive me crazy. And you both refuse to accept my help.”

“I don’t need your help.”

That irritated her. Because Emily was the same way. And now she was locked up in a fucking mental hospital with self-inflicted gashes in her arms and screaming her way out of hypnosis.

“Yeah, you’ve made that perfectly clear over the years.” Alison rolled her eyes. “What’s happening with the inquiry? Are they still digging?”

“They’ve got nothing. Nothing more can be done with the case. They can’t try me for the same crime twice. And they can’t pull you into it because there is nothing tying you to it. You got rid of the clothes you were wearing. The cops didn’t check you for gun powder residue. And I made sure your prints weren’t anywhere on the gun. It was _my_ prints on the bullets and the weapon.”

“What about perjury?”

“They can’t prove _anything_. I’ve been over this a hundred times with my attorney. The prosecutors are going to give up. They’re only looking because they’re bored and need something to do while they wait on their next big case. You’re overthinking this. Let’s just focus on one thing at a time, okay? Something major is obviously happening with your girlfriend, or you wouldn’t be here asking _Godfather _level favors. Trying to redirect your attention to my problems isn’t going to make whatever is happening with her magically disappear. So tell me, how bad is it?”

Alison felt a stinging sensation in her nose as she fought back tears.

“She’s in the hospital. She slit her wrists.”

Everyone else freaked out when they heard it. Spencer. Cece. Even Aria, who had been around suicide attempts before. Hanna lost her damn mind. Mona and Charles had to talk her down from a panic attack. No one knew how to react, because it was Emily. They _knew_ Emily.

But Jason just sat there silently. He understood that urge on a deep level. He understood what it meant to bring war back with you. He knew that feeling of holding something sharp just a little too tight and thinking about drawing blood. He knew how strong the urge was to take a gun and want to pull the trigger so badly that it physically hurt.

“Is she going to be okay?”

“I don’t know. She is in so much pain.” She leaned back and put her hands in her lap, fidgeting with her fingers. “You know, I thought we had it rough. I got so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn’t stop to consider that there were people out there going through things just as bad…and worse. At least, not until I started up at the hotline. Looking back, I can’t believe how self-involved I was in high school…”

“Hey, don’t discredit what you went through. What mom and dad did to you was really fucked up.”

“I know. But it could have been so much worse. If…” Alison didn’t like thinking about it. She squirmed uncomfortably in her chair, “…if you hadn’t come home and Darren had forced me into marriage and…and all that other shit he was planning…I could easily be where Emily is. Or on the other side of these bars. Sometimes I think I _should_ be.”

“Look, kid, you’re meant to be out there. I’m meant to be in here. You’re making a hell of a difference doing what you do. If the roles were reversed I could guarantee you I wouldn’t be doing anything worthwhile to contribute to society. I’d be piss drunk in a bar somewhere,” Jason said. “Things worked out this way because they were supposed to. You started your life because of it. You _save_ lives because of it. And you found Emily because of it. This is your path.”

“You seem so sure.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think in this place.” Jason looked around the poorly lit room. “And one thing I never thought twice about is if we’re where we’re supposed to be. Because I _know_. Just like I know that this girl means something to you…” He saw something in her eyes, and he added, “…I’m not stupid, Alison. I can see the way your eyes light up when you talk about her. You’re in love with her…and I know her love and the hotline are the only things keeping you from walking into a police station and telling the truth.”

“You don’t know how many times I’ve driven to the precinct and stared at the building thinking about doing exactly that.”

“But you never will. You know that you’re serving your sentence out there. You’re just doing it in a positive way. Just think of how many lives you’ve saved.”

“How much did Aria tell you about how I met Emily?” Alison asked.

“She didn’t have to tell me that you saved Emily’s life. Because you’re sitting in front of me telling me that you would kill for her. And I know what that feels like.”

Alison reached out and touched Jason’s hand, but only briefly, because if Pudgy the Pig happened to look up from his phone and saw them breaking the physical contact rule, Jason would be the one to get reprimanded for it.

“You’ve been through a lot.” Jason looked at his little sister. He could see how tired she was. “Are you taking care of yourself, too?”

“Now _you’re_ playing the psychologist?” Alison gave him a hard time.

“Seriously, tell me you’re talking to someone. I know you’re usually the one pulling people out of the deep end, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need a life preserver every now and then.”

“I have bi-weekly sessions I go to.” Alison put his mind at ease. “Spencer practically bulldozed me into it.” She paused and then laughed. “And when I ignored Spencer she sicced Cece on me.”

“Ooh. Bet that was brutal.” He knew Cece didn’t play around.

“She called me an obstinate idiot child with a martyr complex and told me if I didn’t get a shrink for my brain that she’d personally lobotomize me,” Alison said with a deadpan expression on her face.

Her friends had been right that she also needed help, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t still pissed at them and that she couldn’t sulk about it.

“Damn.” He whistled, impressed. “Maybe we should sic _her_ on this guy.”

“None of them know anything about this. They know that Emily is in dire straits. But they don’t know anything about this. You’re the only person I’ve told.” She chewed on her lip. “Emily told me everything she told me in confidence. And if she finds out…”

“She won’t.” Jason interrupted her before she could spin out. “I’ll handle it.”

“And what about the people sniffing around in our past?”

“It will all work itself out. I promise. I will always protect you. Always. I’ve got your back.”

“Yeah, but who has got yours?”

“I have quick reflexes. We’re going to be fine, sis.”

“I love you, Jason.”

“Love you, too, kid.

Alison stayed with him for another hour before she was kicked out. She always felt helpless when she left her brother behind. She knew that Jason had a point about her life. She had started her outreach work _because_ of him. In a way, he was making as much of a difference as she was. She never would have found her way without him.

The drive back to town was always hard. But knowing that she was going back to Emily made it a little easier.

Emily was almost done with her inpatient therapy. She hated every second of being caged up like an animal. The psychiatrists made her feel like a lab rat. Or maybe life made her feel like a lab rat…like she was just running around endlessly, no escape.

The therapy was supposed to be helping, but she didn’t feel much of a difference. She just felt numb. Everyone kept telling her that was normal…that it took time and work. It required a lot of effort on Emily’s part. And she was exhausted. The only thing that kept her from giving up was Alison.

The look she’d seen on Alison’s face in the hospital haunted her. She didn’t remember much about that night, but she remembered that. The last thing she’d ever wanted to do was cause her pain.

She had been so distraught about what she’d done to Alison in her drunken haze that she’d had a complete psychological break. She didn’t remember going back to her motel or cutting her wrists. She only remembered feeling the cold steely claws of death.

She faintly recalled Alison holding her while she was bleeding. The girl refused to let her go, in so many ways.

Emily leaned back in the cheap busted recliner that passed for furniture in her room and yawned. She was supposed to be working on her breathing exercises, but every time she closed her eyes all she could see was blood. She could see rivers of it, and she could feel it flowing through her body. It made her itch.

When Alison walked in she saw her squirming in her chair.

Emily heard her footsteps and her eyes popped open. She felt immediate relief.

“Hey.” Emily smiled.

“Hey. Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s fine. I wasn’t really trying to sleep. The meds they have me on make me groggy as hell.” She stood up to greet her.

She took Alison’s hands. They always felt so warm in hers. They leaned in for a kiss.

“How are you?” Alison stayed close, her eyes boring into Emily’s.

“I’m having the time of my life on this five star vacation.”

“Emily.” Alison sharpened her tone. She reached up and gently grabbed Emily’s face, forcing her to face her.

Emily blinked and Alison could see her pain. She could see what Emily had to live with every single day. And she understood it.

“It’s hard,” Emily said.

“The therapy?”

There was a beat of silence before Emily answered.

“Living.”

“Hey, it’s going to get better.”

Emily moved to sit on her bed. She crossed her legs in front of her, giving Alison room to sit. Alison sat on the bed next to her. She reached out and caressed her face.

Emily peered away sheepishly, unable to look Alison in the eyes. Just the fact that this girl was still here…still actively involved…that she still _loved _her after everything…it was enough to make Emily feel a glimmer of hope. She couldn’t believe everything she’d put Alison through. The night terrors. The lies. The drinking. That night.

_Jesus, that fucking night. Did I ever tell her I was sorry?_

Emily looked down at the floor. She clamped her hands together and drew her elbows close to her body.

“I don’t know if I’ve told you how sorry I am about that night.” She slowly lifted her eyes.

“I knew you were hurting. I just wish I’d known how much. I’m just glad I found you before…”

“No. Not that.” Emily shook her head. “Well, yeah, that too.” She couldn’t imagine how traumatizing it was for Alison to find her like that, _again_. “But…what I did to you before I took off. I had no right. You told me to stop and I should have stopped. I should have listened to you.”

She had lost count of the number of times her pleas for her stepfather to stop had fallen on deaf ears. It devastated her to know that she’d done the same thing to Alison. She took a shaky breath.

“What I did was not okay. And I want you to know that I will never hurt you like that again.”

“I know.” Alison put her hand on Emily’s knee.

The truth was, Emily hadn’t hurt her that night. In that moment, Alison had been more stunned than she was afraid. Emily had caught her off-guard and she’d spooked her, but Alison had gotten the situation under control before Emily had a chance to truly hurt her.

She wasn’t completely defenseless. She wasn’t afraid to throw a few punches. And she also had Lupo. Though he’d been outside at the time, if she had called out for him that dog would have come running in like a bulldozer and gotten in between them. He loved Emily, but Alison was his person.

“What happened doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you like him. You’re not the same. The situations weren’t even remotely the same.”

“I know, but…”

“No. Not a chance in hell. You are everything he’s not. You’re beautiful. You’re brave. You’re kind. You are selfless.” So selfless that the thought of hurting someone she loved had driven her to the point of suicide. “You’re not a monster, Emily. You’re a fucking warrior who slays monsters. He doesn’t get to take that away from you. He doesn’t get to control you.”

“He’s still out there somewhere.” And as long as he was out there roaming free she knew that no one she cared about was safe.

“And if I ever see him I’ll do to him _exactly_ what I did to my father and Darren.”

“I already told you I don’t want you involved. Promise me you won’t go looking for him, Ali.” Emily grabbed her arm.

_A little too late for that_. Alison stared at Emily’s fingers against her forearm.

Her grip was firm, but not aggressive. Alison despised this man. That he still had _this_ much power over Emily, that he instilled _this_ much fear in her.

“I’m not fucking around. He’s dangerous, do you understand me?”

“Fine. I won’t go looking for him.”

It technically wasn’t a lie. She wouldn’t be the one searching. She trusted that her brother would be discreet.

“How are your treatments going?” Alison gently tried to shift the subject.

“I get a lollipop when I’m a good girl.” Emily smiled sarcastically.

Alison couldn’t help but smile back. Emily’s smile could light up a goddamn black hole.

“The treatments, they’re…okay. Some of it is bullshit, but they do offer some really good ways to stay balanced and healthy and all that other stuff. The therapy…” She tensed up, “…it’s kind of a mixed bag. I have a lot of shit in my head and letting people poke around in there…it’s hard. But I’m doing it.” _For you._ She’d do anything for Alison.

“Good.”

“How about you? How are you doing?” Emily questioned. “I know I’m not the only one who went through something traumatic here. I know you’re hurting, too.”

“I’m just glad you’re okay. That’s enough for me.” Alison feigned a smile.

Emily knew it was a lie. She could read Alison like a book.

“Alison…” She reached out and touched her hand, linking their fingers together. “You’re not okay. I know you’re not. Because I know what it’s like to watch someone you love dying.”

Alison froze. It was the first time Emily had acknowledged their love.

“I put you through hell,” Emily stroked Alison’s arm with her free hand. “And we need to talk about it.”

Alison licked her lips nervously. She was worried that she would say the wrong thing. She didn’t want Emily to have a setback in therapy.

“I know you’re worried about me.” Emily could see it written all over her face. “But you don’t have to walk around on eggshells here. This is part of the therapy. I have to live with what I did…and how it affected you. I have to hold on to those feelings of discomfort, because I need to remember that I didn’t just hurt myself that night. I hurt everyone I care about. So you can yell at me and call me stupid and selfish. Because I understand. I understand that my actions have consequences.”

Alison still didn’t respond.

“It’s okay if you’re mad at me. _I’m_ mad at me. I was…desperate. I wasn’t thinking. I was surrounded by the dark, and I couldn’t find my way out. You were right that day I broke down about Ellie. I _was_ lost. I was at a point where even if you had been there with the brightest light in the world, I would _still_ be lost.”

“What I remember most isn’t the anger…” Alison faced her, her eyes distant. “And believe me, I _was_ angry. I still am. But I understand that it wasn’t you. You weren’t trying to hurt me. You were trying to protect me. You thought I’d be better off without you, am I right?”

Emily nodded, lowering her eyes, trying to hide her shame. But Alison lifted her chin up, and forced her to hold her head high.

“You were wrong. You’re not dangerous. You’re not a burden. You’re not _anything_ that voice in your head makes you think you are.”

“I just thought…”

“I know what you thought.” Alison interrupted her. “I saw the outcome of it, remember?”

“I feel guilty about that.”

“Good. I want you to remember that feeling if you ever think about doing it again.” Alison lowered her hand and put it against Emily’s bicep. “What do you remember? Let’s start with that.” She slid her fingers towards Emily’s bandages.

“Waking up on a gurney tied to a bed.” Emily stared at Alison’s fingers. Something about her touch brought back flashes of that night.

“Do you remember anything about the motel room?”

Emily’s eyes narrowed in concentration. Normally, she would be running from the memory, but it bothered her that she’d stored it away. That was her problem in the first place: repressing things. They always came back to bite her in the ass. And it always seemed to hurt Alison the most, and Emily didn’t want to keep hurting her.

“I broke the mirror. I remember that. And then I was just…it was all black. I…I know I drifted in and out.”

She continued to stare at Alison’s fingers, and for a brief moment they flashed red with blood.

_“Ali, I hurt you.” _

_“You didn’t hurt me.”_

“I was awake when you found me.”

“Barely.” Alison laid her palm against her neck, trying to make sure she felt grounded.

“You put the tourniquets on and tried to keep me from passing out.” Emily’s memory was hazy. “It’s…it’s kind of fuzzy after that.”

Alison took a breath and tried to stay in control of her emotions.

“You begged me to let you die. You told me you weren’t worth it. That you were too fucked up…” Tears filled Alison’s eyes.

Emily didn’t remember that night, but Alison would never forget it.

“Ali…” Emily said softly. She caressed her cheek and looked at her sympathetically. “I’m so sorry.”

“I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you…”

_“I’m not going to lose you,”_ Alison had told her. Emily remembered hearing it.

Emily couldn’t remember everything, but she remembered bits and pieces.

_“I’m poison. You aren’t safe with me. You’ll never be safe. I don’t deserve you.”_

“How could I have possibly said those things?” Emily grimaced.

“Because you believed them at the time. You didn’t think you deserved anyone.” A tear slipped down Alison’s face, rolling down her cheek and against the side of her lips. Emily reached up to wipe it away. “I’ll tell you exactly what I told you then. And I want you to hear me this time.”

She gripped Emily’s hand and moved forward until their foreheads were touching. She held her face tenderly and pushed her lips against Emily’s.

“I love you, Emily. I’m yours. I want to be yours.” She exhaled a shaky breath against her face. “You _are_ wanted. And I want you to hold on for me.”

Neither one of them could contain their tears. Their bittersweet sobs echoed in the room.

“That night the world stopped moving for you. But you’re still here. _We’re_ still here. The world is still moving and you’re still holding on. And I won’t let you fall into the darkness.” She pulled back, gripping Emily’s face, wiping away her tears.

“I’m trying, Ali. I really am. I’m trying so hard to become the woman you deserve.”

“Sweetie, you’ve always deserved me.” She looked around for a mirror before she remembered where they were. Of course they wouldn’t put something glass in a room where a post-suicidal patient was staying. “When we look in the mirror, we see the worst parts of ourselves. We’re all guilty of doing it…looking at the imperfections without realizing the true beauty we have. We can’t see what others see.”

Alison moved closer, holding her cheek, coveting everything about her. Her soft brown eyes. Her chiseled jaw line. Her flawless skin. Her curved plump lips. But that’s not what made Emily beautiful. What made her beautiful was her soul. It had been so damaged, but it still persisted.

“You still don’t see yourself the way I see you.” Her eyes met Emily’s. “And that breaks my heart. Finding you in that bathroom…” Her voice broke, “I thought you were dead. I thought I hadn’t made it in time. And I think about how if I had been one minute later or if Spencer and I had taken one wrong turn…”

“I should have called you. I should have called you like I promised.” Emily moved forward, pushing her forehead against Alison’s. She closed her eyes and took a breath, just taking in the scent of her.

“I know now why you didn’t.” Alison slipped her palm down against the side of Emily’s neck. “Because that night we were perfect strangers. You didn’t know me.”

Emily cocked her head in confusion.

“That girl in the motel room covered in blood…” Alison shivered. “I didn’t recognize her.” She peered at Emily, her eyes gleaming with tears. “It wasn’t you, Em. I know it wasn’t you. It was your pain. It was your losses. It was the carnage and bloodshed. It was…_him_.” She growled the last word under her breath.

Because all of Emily’s pain and turmoil could be traced back to what he did to her. He’d taken advantage of a grieving mother. He’d wormed his way into Emily’s life and had done horrible things to her. It had pushed her into running away. It had pushed her into the army. It had pushed her into her drinking. He was the reason she never felt safe. He was the reason she screamed at night and suffered during the day.

“I fucked up,” Emily said after a quiet pause.

“No. _It_ fucked you up. It kicked you when you were down. But that’s not going to happen again. Because I’m sitting right here telling you that I _see_ you.” She gripped her cheeks. “And I want you to look at me. I want you to look and know that no matter what, I will _always_ see you. You feel invisible, like no one sees your pain. But I do. Tell me you understand that.”

“I do, more than you realize. You’re the only person in the world I _can_ see. You mean so much to me. And I never want to hurt you again. I want you to know that I’m going to try…every day. For you. For _us_.”

Alison leaned forward and their lips met. When they pulled away, one of Alison’s hands moved down over Emily’s. She gripped her fingers.

“I want you to promise me one thing,” Emily said.

“Anything.”

“Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. I know you have a habit of burying your pain and working on everyone else. But you’ve gone through this pain with me. And I know how hard it is.”

“I’ve been talking to a therapist.” Alison eased her mind.

“Cece got to you, huh?” Emily chuckled.

It was the first laughter they’d shared in a long time.

“Yeah.” Alison laughed. “Jason said we should hire her to be an enforcer.”

“How is your brother?” Emily asked.

“Oh, um…” Alison fidgeted uncomfortably. If Emily knew what she’d gone to see Jason about it would not end well. “He’s good.”

Emily noticed the tension in her stance.

“Yeah, totally not buying that.” Emily put her palm against Alison’s arm. “Rough visit?”

“No.” Alison vehemently denied it. “I mean…yeah. Always. It’s not easy seeing him like that. But he’s okay. Really. He’s lording his title of chess champion over the other inmates.”

Emily smiled. She had never met Jason, but she knew she liked the guy. He was everything her squad had been overseas. Protective. Loyal. Cocky as fuck.

“I used to play chess overseas. Ezra…you remember, Nicole’s fiancé?”

“The baker.”

“Yeah. He was really good at those strategy games. We used to spend all of our time coming up with strategies on how to find and fight the people who took Nicole. And this other guy in my squad…Noel. He was a real fucking dickhead, but he was smart as hell. We’d go at it with our battle of wiles for hours.”

Emily did something she rarely ever did when she was talking about her time overseas. She smiled.

“You didn’t flinch.” Alison pointed out.

“Huh?”

“You mentioned your time overseas and you didn’t pull away.”

“I’ve been working with Doctor Sullivan. Some new brain re-wiring technique shit. It’s helping a little with some of my memories.”

“Good.” Alison could barely contain her excitement. “That’s great.”

“Don’t have a big old orgasm over it yet. I’m still pretty fucked up.”

“But you’re opening up. That’s a huge step, Em.”

They were going in the right direction, and they both knew it.

**o ~ O ~ o**

Alison supported her every step of the way. Over the next several days she was Emily’s biggest cheerleader. Emily even made a quip about wanting to see her in a skirt wielding pompoms.

When Emily was released from the hospital she went back to Alison’s house. Her friends immediately rallied around her. Hanna, Mona, and Charles came by with a gift basket they’d put together.

Mona had made some of Emily’s favorite snacks. She always paid attention to what snacks people ate in group. It was a habit she’d developed because she’d been keeping track of Hanna’s food intake so she could get on to Hanna if she wasn’t eating or if she was binging and purging.

Hanna had gotten Emily an iPod filled with some of her favorite music, because she knew that Emily liked to try and get away from her thoughts when she was jogging or hiking. She’d also gotten Lupo some little doggy shoes to protect his pads from the elements when Emily went jogging with him.

Charles had gotten her some new sketchpads and a bunch of new sketching pencils. He knew the importance of letting trauma out through a creative outlet.

Emily was speechless at first. She’d never had anyone in her life care so much. Not since her brother and sister.

“This is…it’s all amazing. Thanks.” Emily looked up at her friends.

“Degenerates and freaks have to stick together.” Charles smiled. “I mean, it’s not the best accessory to carry, but…_twinsies_.” He held up his arms. He still had protective sleeves over his forearms where the cuts from his assault were covered.

“Charles, I adore you, but please never say that word again.” Emily cringed.

“She’s right, Charles.” Mona nodded. “You’re much prettier than she is.”

“I know.” Charles grinned. He looked at Emily’s arm and an idea popped into his head. “Oh! We should totally get matching tattoos.”

“Of what? A cuckoo bird?” Hanna snorted.

“Hanna.” Mona cut her eyes at her.

“What? I’m allowed to say it. I’m as loony as the rest of you.”

Emily let out a loud boisterous laugh. She had missed Hanna’s wit.

“It’s my fucking word, too. And I’ll use it as I see fit.” Hanna shrugged.

“Your sensitivity chip is astonishing.” Mona replied sarcastically.

They settled in for a late lunch and an afternoon of conversation. Alison kept an eye on Emily to make sure it wasn’t too much for her. But Emily seemed comfortable. She really cared about their little group.

Charles made fast friends with Lupo. He was out in the backyard tossing the ball for him while the girls were finishing up their dessert. Mona insisted on helping Alison clean up, so she followed her into the kitchen. Their respective girlfriends watched them disappear.

“Mona seems to be doing really well.” Emily took a sip of her water.

“Yeah. She’s found this strange inner peace since she finished the program. It’s annoying as hell. She’s all _zen_ this and _yoga_ that and ‘Hanna, you’ll never find peace of mind if you keep yelling at the birds’. It was seven in the fucking morning and I was hungover.”

Emily chuckled. She reached for a cookie from the basket.

“You know she made these snacks just as much for you as she made them for me.” She handed the treat to Hanna.

“How do you figure?”

“She made you help her bake this stuff, right?” Emily asked.

“Yeah.”

“And she made you taste test it?”

“Yeah…”

“And she also knew that I would be adamant about sharing with you.”

Hanna thought about it for a second. When she realized what had happened her entire face brightened in surprise. It was like a lightbulb switched on inside of her head.

“Son of a bitch. She tricked me!”

Hanna had a tumultuous relationship with food. And Mona knew that. She’d been trying to desensitize Hanna to it and take the stigma away from her eating disorder.

“She turned me into one of those dumb dogs eating peanut butter with medicine inside of it and I didn’t even realize it.”

“What are you going to do? Bite her?” Emily teased.

“I might.” Hanna winked. “It’s not like I haven’t before.”

Emily shook her head with a laugh.

“I’ve really missed this.” Emily motioned between the two of them.

“Don’t get the wrong idea here. You’re a tall drink of sex in heels, but I never take what’s not mine. Alison would kill me.”

Emily laughed again. Who needed therapy when you had a friend like Hanna?

“And Mona would kill me.” Emily pointed out.

“She didn’t seem to mind it two weeks ago when I had a little _ménage-toi_ with this tourist couple from Paris.”

“Who the hell would leave France to come to _this_ hellhole?” Emily scoffed.

“They were visiting his sister. Or maybe it was _her_ sister.” She looked confused. “I don’t know. I didn’t really get the full story. There was tequila involved. All I remember is the jello shots.”

“Romantic.” Emily laughed. “So, I take it you’ve been doing okay.”

“Yeah.” Hanna leaned back. Her smile faded. Emily could tell what was on her mind. “When I first found out you were in the hospital I freaked. Charles and Mona had to talk me down from a ledge.”

“Jesus Christ, Hanna. You weren’t supposed to play copycat.”

“Oh, no…I didn’t try to kill myself. I’m not _crazy_ crazy.”

“Nice. Tactful.”

“If you expected me to treat you with kid gloves you were sadly mistaken. I’m still pissed at you.”

“That’s fair.”

“We were at Melissa’s place when Alison called to let us know that Aria was going to be running our counseling the next day. She sounded really frazzled…”

Emily squirmed uncomfortably. The worst part of what she’d done was the emotional toll it was taking on those around her.

“I asked her if everything was okay. She just said that she needed to take a few personal days, because you were hurt. I was flipping my shit, so Melissa took the phone away from me and Mona and Charles talked me down. I was really upset. I thought that what had happened to Charles happened to you, too. But then Melissa told us you slit your wrists and I just…I froze.” She looked up at Emily sadly. “I don’t understand. Why did you do that to yourself, Em?”

Emily drew in an uncomfortable breath. How come she hadn’t thought about any of this before she’d grabbed that glass and cut herself open? Why didn’t it register that she had people in her life that cared about her?

“It’s complicated.” Emily’s face tightened. She picked at the bandaged sleeve on her right arm. “I’m messed up, Han.”

“But I thought you were doing better.”

“Sometimes we lie so convincingly to others that we start to believe the lies ourselves. We forget the truth, but the pain is still there. But it’s there, and it’s just building up momentum.” She looked up at her friend. “It’s a struggle every day. Every morning I wake up and I’m disappointed…” She sighed. “I’m disappointed that I’m still breathing. I hear this really loud noise in my mind all the time and I can’t make it stop. It just…got too loud.”

“I have that noise, too.” Hanna admitted. “That nagging little voice that tells me I’m not good enough. That I…” She looked down, raising her arms, poking at her skin, “…that I’m fat and ugly.”

“Bitch, please. You look like you belong on the cover of _Vogue_. You always have. Between you and me, the first time we met I thought you looked like a total snack.”

Hanna smiled.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

“No. I’m being real. You, my friend, are the most fuckable person I’ve ever met.”

Hanna looked towards the kitchen and then back at Emily.

“Okay, one real quick shag, but Mona and Alison can never know.”

They both started laughing.

“This is the best therapy money could never buy.” Emily tried to contain her laughter. “This is better than anything they did in the loony bin.”

“I tried to visit you, but they said you only had Alison on the visitor’s log. I stole a pair of scrubs and tried to sneak in, but they caught me.”

“You’re making that up.”

“You would think so, but no.”

“God. Only you.” Emily rolled her eyes.

“The nurses were _mad_.” Hanna made a face. “Never put me through that again or _I_ will kill you. Then I’ll revive you. Then I’ll kill you again.”

And Emily believed her.

**o ~ O ~ o**

Over the next few days she saw more random acts of kindness. Aria brought flowers in a little plastic vase that she’d decorated with the help of her daughter. Emily got to meet the little girl. She looked just like her mother. And she smiled. A lot. It made Emily feel like everything was going to be okay.

Cece came over with dinner three nights in a row so they didn’t have to worry about cooking. She knew that Alison was exhausted, and she wanted to do something for both of them.

Spencer even came by, but she had been unsure of what to bring. She’d nervously handed over a bunch of vitamins and went on about how they were natural mood boosters. She’d given up on her quest of trying to get Alison to pull herself away from the situation. She knew how determined her friend was, and she knew there was no getting her away from Emily.

Emily wasn’t surprised that everyone was walking around on eggshells. She was used to it. Everyone had been weird since she’d gotten back from overseas. No one knew how to act around her. Not until she met Alison. Because the blonde had seen right through her. She hadn’t taken her bullshit.

Emily’s friends from therapy were the only people who didn’t treat her like a broken doll. Because they knew what she was going through.

Then there was Caleb. He didn’t sugarcoat anything when he found out why she’d suddenly gone AWOL. He’d called her a fucking dumbass, which she needed to hear.

She’d gone to see him after she’d completed her outpatient therapy program. She’d had to go to psychologist every day for two weeks.

She’d been trying to do her best. True to her word, she didn’t have one lick of alcohol, which was very difficult for her because she was still very much on a search and destroy mission. She didn’t know that Alison was on that very same mission.

While Alison was contending to Emily’s future, Jason had been looking into Emily’s past. But it had been a lot more complicated than Alison and Jason realized it would be. The trail ran cold about a year after Ellie had been killed. He’d changed his name and moved to avoid the publicity. But Alison was determined to protect Emily, so she tried to get her to open up about it.

Emily refused to give Alison any details, because she was worried about her safety. Instead, she was trying to take care of it without involving Alison.

After she’d completed her daily therapy she had a little more time on her hands, so she took Caleb some of his favorite Chinese take-out.

“I still can’t believe you went Cobain on yourself.” Caleb puffed on his vape pen.

“Nah, Cobain was a conspiracy. The government did him in.” Emily crossed her ankles, her boots scuffing against the floor as she leaned back against his couch. “I’m more in line with Virginia Woolf.”

“Well, that’s fitting, because _I’m_ sure as shit scared of you.” Caleb barked out a dry laugh.

“As you should be.”

“How are you doing, for real?”

“Alison keeps me from teetering over the edge.”

“She’s that good of a lay, huh?” He nudged her jokingly.

“Watch your fucking mouth, Rivers. Don’t make me sorry I saved you.” Emily gave him a hard time.

“Is it weird that I miss it?” Caleb asked. “Obviously not the getting blown to bits part, but…it just kept my mind off other things, you know?”

“I know.” She knew exactly what he meant. What they experienced didn’t have to be put into words.

“You talked to Fitz lately?”

“I barely talk to you and you _live_ here.”

“He’s coming back stateside.”

“No shit. Ezra’s coming back?”

“Just for a visit next month. His brother lives in New York. We’re talking about getting together to catch up. Your sorry ass better join us.”

“Won’t be the same without Nicole.”

“I didn’t know her all that well, but the way Ezra talks her up she basically shit gold and diamonds.” He glanced at Emily and saw a quiet undertone of pain on her face. “Sorry. Sometimes I forget that you and her have that history behind enemy lines.”

Emily nodded, staring blankly at the wall.

“They’re never going to find her body.”

“This certainly can’t be a good topic of conversation for your mental health.”

“I’m still the same person I was, Caleb. You know that better than anyone. I just…disappear sometimes.”

“Yeah. I hear you.” Caleb huffed on his vape pen again. “You can leave it behind, but it doesn’t leave you.”

“Semper fuckin Fi.” Emily sighed. She tried to shake her emotions off. “So, you said on the phone that you found something?”

Caleb hesitated.

“I’m not sure this is such a good idea. I don’t want to send you running for the razor blades again.”

“It was glass.” Emily replied dryly.

“Oh, well, that changes everything.” Caleb rebuffed sarcastically. He reached across the table and grabbed a manila envelope. He held on to it for a few seconds. But then he handed it to her. She flipped it open and pulled out an 8x10 photograph. “Guy’s name is Peter. Which is fitting because he’s a real dick.”

“Yeah, he is.” Emily stared at the photo.

It was the bouncer she’d almost killed.

“What? You know him?”

“We had an…altercation.” She tried to think of the right word.

“What did you do to piss him off?”

“I love how you assume it was me.”

“Because it usually is.”

“He was an asshole.”

“_I’m_ an asshole. So what? If you went around throwing punches at every asshole you met you’d have a trail of bodies from here to the moon.”

The funniest thing about his statement was that she _did_ have a pile of bodies in her past.

“He was a special kind of asshole. Works in a bar. One of his special asshole friends took my grandfather’s gun. When I went back to get it he slammed me over the head with a snowglobe and then stabbed me.”

“Shit. And you left him alive?”

“He’s got a kid.” Which she didn’t know at the time. But she knew now. And it had changed everything.

“He’s also got a record about five miles long.” Caleb tapped on the envelope. Emily pulled out the guy’s rap sheet. “He’s a dealer and he works for a bookie who associates with some of the _worst_ kinds of scum. You should see the shit he lets people bet on. He also has some weird fetishes according to the whores he pays for. He’s probably got about twenty illegitimate children he doesn’t know about. He’ll stick his dick in anything.”

“Wish he would have saved me the trouble and shoved it in an electrical socket.” Emily scowled. “So, what’s he got to do with the phone calls?”

“He was the one picking up the phone. I had a friend cross-reference some security footage. Could just be one of his regulars. But he gets a call about every two weeks from the same burner. I’ve looked at the cell towers that pinged this person’s location. They’re always in a different location. But it started out near your old place…”

“How do you know where I use to live?”

“I’m a fucking spy, Fields. What did you think I did? Play with nifty little explosive pens and fake flower microphones?”

“Are those a real thing?” Emily asked curiously.

“Of course they’re real.”

Emily picked up a vase sitting next to Caleb’s couch and leaned close to it.

“Pay no attention to the plots of murder being discussed here today.” She spoke into the vase with a slight grin.

“You’re hilarious.” Caleb rolled his eyes.

“So, what do we know about the guy that Peter Peter Pussy Eater is talking to?” She put the vase down.

“Not much. Not exactly easy to find the owner of a burner. Whoever it is likes to bounce around. He hasn’t been in the same location once. I thought it might just be like a travel for job kind of thing, but one location in particular caught my eye.” He grabbed another folder from the table. “I remember you saying something about your birthday and how you were clubbing with Alison and some of your buddies from AA…”

“It’s not AA.” Emily quickly corrected him.

“The point is…” He pulled a picture out of the folder, “…I recognized the cell tower location. This person sent a text that originated in that general vicinity. Hacking into texts on a burner can be tricky, but this one had a picture attached and it created a cache back up of the file. I didn’t get the text, but…” He handed her the picture.

Emily dropped it in shock almost immediately. It was a grainy picture of her in the club the night she was drugged. Someone _had_ been there. Someone was following her.

Her shoulders tensed up. Her breath started coming quicker. She curled her fingers into her palms and squeezed them tightly.

“Whoa, easy.” Caleb tried to calm her down. “Do those breathing exercises you hate so much.”

Emily nodded and closed her eyes. She tried to imagine Alison next to her. She took in several deep breaths, counting as she inhaled and then exhaled. When she got to ten, the panic was subsiding.

“See, it’s not _all_ bullshit,” Caleb said.

“I have to find whoever took this picture.”

“You’ve got some pretty damning stuff here. Why don’t you call the cops?”

“Because he _is_ the fucking cops. He’s been in line with them ever since…” Ever since he’d come into her life and destroyed her…and her family. “He…he’s just…I can’t trust the cops with this one.”

“What exactly is this about?”

“I can’t…” She shook her head. “I don’t _want_ to talk about it. It’s personal. But he’s a very dangerous man. And if he’s following me then Alison could be in danger.”

That scared her more than anything.

“I haven’t found any indication that he’s been anywhere near you other than that night,” Caleb said. “He probably lost your trail.”

“If you can find me, so can he.”

“No, he can’t. He can’t trace you. No one can trace you. I’ve made sure of that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Please.” He scoffed. “The second you came to me for help I knew you were in some shit. I made sure your phone had software that protects you from anyone being able to access it. And I’ve had people I trust watching your six. You’ve never been in this alone. I’ve got your back. Always will.”

“You did all that?”

“What else do I have to do? Go two-stepping?” He pointed to his stump of a leg. “Look, I don’t know what this guy did, but I’m guessing it’s bad.” He saw Emily trying to contain her emotions. “I’m not asking for the story. I’m just letting you know you’re not alone here. And I want you to promise me you’ll be careful.” He looked at the bandaged sleeves on her arms. He knew what it felt like to be that desperate. “You’re really close to this. And I don’t want to see you relapse.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Emily stared at the photo. She had to do this. She had to protect her new family…in the way she hadn’t been able to protect her old one.

“Well, if you find Peter you’ll find whoever called him.”

“I know exactly where to look,” she said. “Thank you.”

“You can thank me by not getting yourself killed.”

Her phone started ringing. She saw Alison’s picture pop up on screen. It was a candid photo of the blonde mid-laugh. It had really captured her best features. It made Emily melt every time she saw it.

“I should go.” Emily stood up.

“Keep me posted.” Caleb reached for the container of food sitting on his table. “Thanks for the grub.”

They said their goodbyes and Emily walked out the door. She called Alison back to let her know she was on her way home.

_Home_.

It felt right. It also felt terrifying. Because if she put down roots everything was going to change. And if her past found her before she found it, it was bound to end in the same terrifying way that her childhood had ended. She refused to let that happen. She would do whatever it took to protect Alison. Because she’d somehow been lucky enough to find an angel in hell, and no demon in the world was ever going to get anywhere near to her. If she had to set fire to the world to keep her safe, she wouldn’t hesitate to strike a match and scorch the earth.


	14. Collaborative Therapy

**A/N:** _This one is the lightest chapter yet. Still some dark themes, but peak Emison fluff (at least for this fic). And I know what you’re thinking: “What is this ‘happiness’ you speak of?”_

_Just an FYI, my updates here on Ao3 tend to come much slower because most of my readers are actually on Fanfic. I don't know how many followers are watching this story here, but it's possible I might delete it from this platform. Give me a lil wave if you're not on FF and I'll take that into account._

* * *

**Chapter 14:**

**Collaborative Therapy**

Emily stopped by the motel to drop off the things Caleb gave her and then stopped to pick up a pizza for dinner.

Alison breathed a sigh of relief when she heard her walk through the front door. She’d just finished unloading the dishwasher. It felt so domestic. But she’d found that when she kept her mind busy it didn’t become occupied with terrible thoughts about things that could happen to Emily, or terrible things Emily might do to herself.

“Honey, I’m home.” Emily walked into the kitchen.

Lupo ran over to greet her. He had his eyes on the pizza box in her hands.

“That is _not_ for you.” Alison scolded him.

Emily chuckled as she put the food down on the counter.

“I did get something for him though.”

Emily reached into the bag she was carrying and pulled out a smaller bag. It was plain toasted bread. Lupo _loved_ bread. And Emily liked making him feel like he was getting to eat dinner with them, so she always picked a little something up for him. She broke off a piece of the bread and handed it to him.

“You’re undermining me in front of the dog.” Alison frowned.

“You’re cute when you’re mad.” Emily reached out and took her hand. She pulled Alison towards her. She pressed a kiss against her lips. When she pulled back she looked at her with a smile. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Alison put her palm against Emily’s neck.

The motion was so simple, but it was full of meaning. Emily had learned to take comfort in the little intimate moments they shared. Things had been different since her suicide attempt. Alison was very gentle with her. She knew the importance of when and how to touch her properly. She knew how to make Emily feel comfortable.

They’d yet to have sex again. Emily was intimidated with the idea of it given the way their last encounter had gone. They’d had a few heated make-out sessions, but Emily always stopped it before it escalated. And Alison followed her cues.

Emily was learning to love in a way that she never had before. She looked at Alison and she saw the whole world. The blonde was the best thing that had ever happened to her.

The therapy and medications were dulling some of her pain, but she still struggled. She still had nightmares, but she wasn’t as panicked when she woke up, because she knew that they were just shadows of her past. And though they were painful, she didn’t allow that pain to take away her power. Her panic attacks were slowly becoming less frequent. They were still intense, but she’d learned techniques to help keep her from spiraling.

She knew that the pain would never go away completely. Her doctors had told her numerous times that it could be managed, but there was no cure. There was no simple fix for emotional scars. They couldn’t just throw medications at it and make it go away. It was something Emily would be working on for the rest of her life. And she understood that.

“How was work?” Emily asked. “You save any more dumbasses dying under the railroad tracks?”

“It was quiet today.”

“Look at that. You’ve managed to cure the population of its depression.” _My girl._

“Mmhmm.” She nodded and gave her another kiss. “Where were you today?”

It wasn’t accusatory. It was simple curiosity. Alison let Emily have her privacy, though she had on open door policy. She wanted the channels of communication to always remain open.

“I went to see an old army buddy,” she said. “Dr. Sullivan says it can be good to connect with people who have ‘shared experiences’.” She emphasized the phrase and put an overdramatic spin on it.

“Oh. I didn’t realize…” Alison was surprised. “I thought your squad was all…um…” She hated that she’d brought it up. She’d backed herself into a corner.

“Blown to confetti? Yeah, they were. That doesn’t mean everyone I ever knew is gone. I don’t know if you know this, but the army is pretty big.”

Alison laughed.

“I didn’t know you knew anyone in town.”

“He’s on the outskirts. It’s a little bit of a bus ride, but it was worth it.”

“I would have driven you.”

“It’s cool.” Emily shrugged.

“You have a hard time accepting kindness.” Alison’s forehead crinkled in disapproval.

“I’m working on it.”

And she really was. It was hard for her to let people in, but she’d been slowly trying to open herself up to Alison. She was trying to deal with the guilt she felt from everything she’d put her through that night. And she was trying to work through her feelings that she’d been repressing. She still had moments when she shut Alison out. But the important thing to Alison was that she was trying.

“You’re doing fine. Come on.” She pulled her towards the table. “Let’s eat.”

Emily smiled. It was the little moments that helped her hold on to her sanity. It was things like sitting at the dinner table with Alison and quietly slipping Lupo table scraps when Alison wasn’t paying attention that made her feel joy. It was an emotion she never thought she’d feel again.

She laughed when a glob of pizza sauce and half a pepperoni slid off of Alison’s pizza and into her lap as she helplessly tried to catch it. Alison threw a dinner roll at her for laughing. Emily sat at the table with Alison and she found herself wondering,

_Is this what happiness is?_

She let herself feel the joy without the fear of something coming in and swooping it away. She took those few precious moments to forget about the danger in the world, and just be in the moment with Alison.

After dinner they went for a walk with the dog. It was becoming a routine. Emily’s psychologist recommended she have a routine to help with stability.

Emily tossed the ball with Lupo for a few minutes when they got home. Alison came outside with some hot cocoa. Emily leaned down to scratch Lupo’s head and then threw the ball across the yard. He shot around the pool and ran through the lawn like a bullet.

Emily walked up on to the porch with Alison. Alison gave her a mug of cocoa. Emily couldn’t believe the extent of Alison’s generosity. Sometimes she felt like she’d died that night under the train tracks, and that Alison was her angel.

Emily had never believed in Heaven. She’d done nothing but experience hell on Earth. It would stand to reason that she’d be stuck in some terrible hellscape after she died. But maybe she’d done just enough good on Earth to earn the love of an angel.

“What’s on your mind, Em?” Alison asked, reaching up to tuck some of her hair behind her ear.

_I can’t believe this is my life._

“You.” Emily smiled, sitting down on the cushioned bench that overlooked Alison’s backyard.

“What about me?” Alison sat next to her, leaving very little room between them.

Emily put the cocoa down on the table next to the bench.

_Why do you love me? Why did you save me? What do you see in me? Why am I worth it?_

“I just think you’re beautiful.” Emily looked up from her lap.

She put her hand against Alison’s knee and leaned over to give her an innocent peck on the lips. When she pulled back, Alison’s entire face was flushed.

“No. Really. What are you thinking about?” Alison smiled bashfully.

Emily wanted to enjoy the moment with the beautiful girl next to her, so she suppressed the looming danger. She shut off the painful memories of the past. She ignored what the future was sure to hold. Because she had the present.

She looked at Alison, a sweet expression on her face. And she did what she did best. She lied.

“Nothing.” She squeezed her hand. _Everything._

She felt guilty for shutting down, for not telling Alison her fears and insecurities. But she looked at her, and she saw her smile…and she couldn’t take that away from her.

They heard Lupo stampeding towards them, his pads hitting the ground. He was shaking his head with his ball in his mouth. He lost his grip on it and it went sailing through the air and bounced against the ground and plopped in the water. Lupo walked over and stared at it, trying to figure out how to get it without going in.

“He’s ridiculous.” Emily laughed.

Alison savored it when she saw Emily happy. Because it was such a rarity. But there was something strange about the way she was carrying herself. And Alison didn’t like it.

“You sure everything is all right?” Alison stroked her knuckles.

“Long day.” Emily replied with a shrug.

Emily looked tired. Her skin had a strange tint and there were dark circles under her eyes. She looked stressed. It had gotten difficult for Alison to discern when Emily was stressed and when she was legitimately just tired, because Emily hid her pain so well. Sometimes Alison had to dig a little bit to get her to open up.

“Do you want to tell me about your visit with your friend?” Alison traced her fingers against Emily’s arm.

The way Alison touched her gave her chills. And it made her want to talk to her.

“His name is Caleb.” Emily leaned back. “He’s a really good guy. He saw some tough shit over there. A few weeks before Nicole and I were taken prisoner he was hurt pretty badly in an attack. I got him out in time for the medic to save him, but he lost his leg.”

Alison noticed the subtle differences in Emily when she was talking about her time in combat. Months ago it shut her down. Back then it had been so painful that she was dropped right back into the middle of it. But now she was able to separate the memory from the pain. She was able to see it, but she didn’t relive it. Therapy had slowly been desensitizing her.

“How is he now?”

“Surviving.” She left it at that. Caleb’s story wasn’t hers to tell. His pain wasn’t hers to share.

“Well, any friend of yours is a friend of mine. You should invite him over for dinner sometime.”

“He doesn’t really like people. He’s more of a machine kind of guy.”

“If you change your mind, it’s an open invite.” Alison didn’t push it.

Emily looked at her. She adored her. She was thoughtful, but she always knew when to give her space. She didn’t push her unnecessarily. Emily’s journey had been as much of a learning experience for Alison as it was Emily. She was learning how to balance Emily’s need for privacy and her own need to know everything. The therapy had helped her understand how to read Emily a lot better.

She had been so obsessed with trying to save Emily that she’d fallen in love with her in the process, which had impaired her judgment to advise her in a fair manner. She had gotten too close to her to actually counsel her. Now that she finally had Emily talking to someone else, the brunette was slowly starting to open up on her own.

That didn’t mean that there weren’t still secrets between them, and that they didn’t face problems. Alison’s main concern was that there was a man somewhere out there who had given Emily scars that would always hurt.

When Alison had first heard Emily’s night terrors it had sounded like she was begging for her life overseas. But the reality was that she was begging for her life at home.

It made her sick to her stomach. But she was hoping she could give Emily some closure. Jason’s friend was closing in on the man responsible for Emily’s pain. She didn’t realize that Emily was just as close. And that things were going to clash in the worst possible way.

Alison laid her head against Emily’s shoulder and sighed. Emily wrapped her arm around the small of her back and pulled her closer.

“You didn’t tell me how your day was.” Emily kissed the top of her head.

“It was just a regular day. Work was typical. And I did a few things around the house when I got home. Nothing earth shattering.”

“Everything you do is earth shattering, Ali.”

“Stop.” Alison rolled her eyes. She glanced at her. “I did talk to Jason a few minutes before you got home. He called to check in.” It was only a partial lie. He _had_ called to check in, but he’d been checking in about the lead his friend had on Emily’s stepfather.

“How is he?” Emily asked.

“He’s Jason.” Alison replied, refusing to make eye contact with Emily. Emily assumed it was because it was hard for Alison to talk about her brother. She didn’t realize that it was because Alison was keeping secrets from her. “He’s as bad at telling me how he’s doing as you are.”

“Oh, so we’d get along well.” Emily bumped into her playfully.

“It’s not fair. Both of you deserve so much better.”

“So did you.” Emily pointed out.

“I brought a lot of what happened to me on myself. I was terrible. I antagonized my parents at every turn.”

“Being gay doesn’t give anyone a reason to mistreat you. None of what happened to you was your fault,” Emily said softly, cupping her chin. “You were just reacting to their actions. And you had every right. You have every right to be who you want to be…to love who you want to love.”

This was the side of Emily that Alison loved. The fondness and the passion that she carried in her heart. Despite outwards appearances, she was so soft and caring with the people she loved.

When Emily moved her palm up to gently hold her face Alison felt her heart fluttering in her chest.

“You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. My heart only beats because of you. And I mean that in the most literal sense. I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for you.” Emily held her gaze. Alison knew how hard it was for her to be intimate, so it meant so much to her. “I never want you to feel like your parents were even a _little_ right. Because they weren’t. You got royally fucked in the parent department. Parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally. They’re supposed to protect them.”

Emily took a shaky breath. She thought back to the sacrifice her father had made for her in that restaurant. He’d told her to stay hidden. He’d saved her life.

“My dad _died_ for me. That’s what parents do. That’s what a parent’s love means. And what your mom and dad did to you…you deserved better. You are such a good person and you have such a good heart. And you deserved better than their hatred. You were their child. And they failed you.” Emily felt the back of her neck getting hot. She didn’t like to think about Alison being mistreated. “If I had known you then, and I had known what they were putting you through…I would have emptied my clip on them, too.”

Emily pulled back, trying to get control of her anger. It worried her when she lost her temper when she was close to Alison. Alison didn’t seem the least bit concerned. She only held her hand tighter.

“I think about that night all the time.” Alison frowned. “Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me, because I should feel remorse…right? If I don’t that makes me a psychopath.”

“If I could kill the monster who murdered my little sister I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. Doesn’t make us messed up. It just makes us human. Because we love. And we care. We care enough to fight.”

She rolled her thumb against the fleshy part of Alison’s palm. She could see every crease and line on Alison’s hand. And she wanted to kiss every inch of her skin. How was it possible to love someone’s hands? She didn’t care that her hands had been holding a gun that had killed three people.

“We all have darkness in us. And whatever you nurture it with is what it becomes. If it grows from hate and anger that’s who you are. It defines you. And controls you. That’s how you get people like your dad and Darren. They let their darkness control them.”

Emily had to stop to take a breath, because she could feel her rage boiling inside of her. Every time she thought about Alison’s parents hurting her it made her feel something deeper than pain, deeper than anger. It made her feel like she was going to lose control.

Alison put her palm on top of their joined hands, and her warmth brought Emily back from the brink. It always did.

“So, what does that make us?” Alison asked. “Are we all monsters?”

Emily shook her head.

“No. Because it’s the reasons behind our actions that tell us who we are, even with that darkness. If you starve the darkness, it doesn’t grow at all. It’s just there. It stays there. And it has the potential to overshadow you, but only when you feel backed into a corner. That’s what gives people the ability to kill others in self-defense. It becomes a part of your brain chemistry. It’s wired in you. It’s there to protect you so you don’t overthink in a life or death situation.”

She’d had numerous experiences with it in combat. She remembered acting purely out of instinct. She remembered what it felt like to take a life. She remembered what it was like to see the life draining from a stranger’s eyes. Somehow, it made her life at home seem less painful. Sometimes it calmed the rage.

“That ability to make those choices…it feeds your adrenaline. And it gives you the drive to make those difficult choices without thinking. And when it’s over, it shelters you.” Her forehead crinkled in thought. “And it’s weird that darkness gives you comfort, but in that situation it does. Because you compartmentalize. And you rationalize. And you come to the realization that you did what you had to do. And in your case, you did exactly that.”

“Yeah. It still makes me wonder though…about what happens after.”

“Life goes on.” She was literal living proof of that.

“I meant after life.” Alison shuffled her feet against the porch. “Do you remember how defensive I got in our first meeting when you said I was on some kind of mission to make up my sins to God?”

“I do.” Emily cracked a smile, because she remembered how hot Alison had been when she’d let her bitchy side come out. There had been a growl in her throat that Emily had felt in her bones. “But after I heard about your parents using it as a weapon, I get it. And I’m sorry I ever accused you of being something you’re not.”

“You weren’t entirely wrong though.” Alison slowly met her gaze. “I started helping people out of guilt. And shame. And a little bit for myself. And it’s not anything in religion that makes me feel this way. It all comes from me. I don’t hate religion because of what my parents did. I mean, I thought it was bullshit when I was a kid. But the truth is the reason I hate it so much is because I’m afraid if it’s real…I’m going to go to hell.”

“Well, you’ll be in good company. Because I’m sure as shit not going to Heaven.” Emily laughed, a dark undertone in her voice. She truly believed that. She believed that nothing good was awaiting her in death.

“I killed three people.” Alison bit her lip.

“If you want to make it a numbers game, I’m way up there.” Emily tried to make her feel better.

“You were fighting for your life. Your country. It’s different when it’s someone related to you. Your stepfa…” Alison saw Emily cringe and she carefully tiptoed around the subject, “That _man_…he killed your sister. And you believe he’s going to hell, right?”

_I believe he’s going to suffer a much worse fate._

“It’s not the same.” Emily stared into a void, trying to fight back the pain prickling up her spine. “You were protecting your brother. I would have fucking murdered an entire village to save Ellie. I would have killed _innocent_ people for her.”

“It’s not the fact that I killed them that bothers me. It should. But it doesn’t. Because they had it coming.” There was a dark look on her face. It was a look that told Emily that she wouldn’t take it back. And Emily understood that. “What bothers me the most is that my brother is suffering for something that I did.”

“And that’s what separates you from the monsters. You’re not a bad person, Ali. The love that you have…_that_ centers you. And your brother did what he did out of love, too. You can’t keep beating yourself up over it. Jason _chose_ this for you.”

“And the responsible thing to do would have been for me to tell him no. But I was so scared. And young. And dumb.”

“He saw your potential. He knew what you were capable of…that you were going to make a difference. He knew it was the right thing to do. And I am so thankful for that. Because of your brother I’m alive. I’m alive and I have you. And you’ve saved so many others. The sacrifices Jason made were not in vain. I would have done the same thing.” Emily pulled her closer. “And if there _is_ an afterlife, I don’t know anyone who deserves to go more than you do. That one choice doesn’t define you for life. You didn’t go into it planning it. You weren’t malicious. It was a crime of circumstance. Besides, religion is nothing but fabrications and contradictions. It isn’t the best guideline when it comes to killing people. Do you know how much murder there is in the Bible? I mean…just look at the crusades.”

Alison sighed and nuzzled against Emily. Everything felt right when she was with the brunette.

“Can I be honest with you about something?” Alison ran her fingertips over the army tattoo on Emily’s arm.

“Always.”

“It sounds really stupid. But…sometimes I’m afraid,” Alison uttered quietly. “I’m afraid that they’ll come back from the dead and they’ll pull me down to hell with them. I feel like they’re waiting for me. They haunt me in the worst way.”

“Nothing is going to happen to you while I’m around.” Emily gently cupped her cheek again.

She gave the blonde a soft kiss. Alison’s lips were warm and velvety. She could still taste a hint of cocoa on her breath. When they pulled away Alison looked at her, her eyes wide and sad. She knew how close she had come to losing Emily that night in the motel. Emily wouldn’t be able to protect her from the grave.

“You were going to leave me,” Alison said sadly. “That night. You were going to leave me all alone.”

Emily hated that she’d put Alison through that. But she hadn’t been thinking. And Alison knew that.

“I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”

_I thought you were better off without me. _

Sometimes she still thought it was true. Sometimes her demons were louder than Alison’s love. Sometimes she still heard it.

_You kill people. Or you get them killed._

“Don’t ever do it again.” Alison drew her out of her trance by pushing her palm against Emily’s hardened jaw line.

“I promise.”

Emily chewed on her inner cheek. She wanted to tell her about what was going on with her liver, but she couldn’t. There was nothing that could be done about it anyway. All she could do was continue with the supplements and medications and hope it bought her some time. She had to stay alive as long as she could. She had to protect Alison.

She felt a rush of self-doubt. It told her everything that was wrong with her and more.

_You can’t protect her. You can’t protect anyone. _

Emily shuddered. But then she felt Alison’s skin against hers, and she was back in the world where she belonged.

Alison lifted her head, her hand still gripping Emily’s.

“You cold?”

“A little.” Emily lied.

Alison turned Emily’s cheek and leaned in until their mouths naturally fell together. They both parted their lips and their tongues met, swirling around gently. Alison pushed for a little more, and Emily gave it to her. She softly tugged Alison’s lower lip in between her teeth and bit down. She moved her hand up against the side of Alison’s neck and they held the embrace.

“Better?” Alison smiled when she pulled away.

“Much.”

Alison laid her head against Emily’s shoulder. They sat out on the porch and talked for a while before they called it a night.

Alison went to brush her teeth and do her regular nightly routine. Face wash. Moisturize. Five minutes of yoga. It was something her therapist recommended. Routine was good for everyone.

Emily settled in Alison’s bedroom. They’d been sleeping in the same bedroom since Emily was released, though Emily had insisted on sleeping on a cot on the floor so she didn’t unintentionally hurt Alison if she had a night terror. At first she’d suggested that she go back to sleeping in the guest bedroom, but Alison told her she wanted to be in the same room with her. Emily had told her that she didn’t need a babysitter.

Alison had just grabbed her hand with a sincere look on her face,

_“That’s not why. I just like having you near me. It helps me sleep.” _

Emily had become a safety blanket for her. So Emily set up a cot next to her bed. It had quickly become Lupo’s spot as well. He usually curled up next to her and laid his head against her stomach. Most nights she would pet him until they both fell asleep.

As she waited for Alison to finish her routine she sat with Lupo, scratching his favorite spot behind his ears until the dog was snoring.

She was leaning against the wall, sketching a portrait of Alison while she waited on her to come to bed. It felt good to have regular sketching utensils back in her hands. In the mental health care facility they were strict about anything that had a sharp point. She’d had to make do with markers and crappy thin tissue paper that wasn’t worth a damn.

When Alison walked into the bedroom Lupo lifted his head and wagged his tail. Emily looked up from her sketchpad. The blonde was a living dream. She was wearing a black silk teddy with thin straps that accentuated the bone structure of her upper body. Her shoulders were pulled back, the curves of her chest perfectly round and perky. Her face had a healthy flush from where she’d been splashing her cheeks with water. She looked gorgeous even without make-up on.

The teddy stopped right below her hips, barely covering her pelvis. Emily could imagine her fingers on Alison’s thighs, traveling up underneath the garment, enjoying every last bit of her curves.

Alison was sexy without trying. She hadn’t put the nightgown on for anything other than comfort. It’s not like Emily hadn’t seen her in it before, but tonight felt different. Alison exuded a confidence about her, but she wasn’t cocky.

Alison shooed Lupo away and sat next to her. She wanted to see what Emily was doodling. Though, _doodling_ wasn’t exactly the proper term for Emily’s artwork. When Alison looked at Emily’s sketches she felt like she was being transported directly into Emily’s heart. She saw what Emily saw.

Every stroke of her pencil showed her life, her pain, her love. Alison could see into the depths of her soul. It was like a piece of her that Emily only shared with her. A life on paper.

Emily smiled at her and then turned her attention back towards the sketchpad. Alison loved watching her work. It was one of the very few instances when Emily looked like she felt free and at peace.

Alison watched as Emily filled in the shadows and traced the highlights.

“How do you do it?” Alison asked.

“What? Draw?” Emily questioned. “I just take a pencil and move it around. Anyone can do it.”

“Not like you.” Alison gently gripped the side of the pad. “Some people create art.” She slowly looked up at Emily. “You create life.” Her crystal blue eyes were boring into Emily’s, completely awestruck. “Your form and composition aren’t like anything I’ve ever seen. It’s like every line and shadow matters. You know exactly how to capture everything…down to the smallest detail.”

“Only on my important subjects.”

Alison was her muse. She inspired her.

Alison lowered her head bashfully, her hair falling over her face. Emily reached up and tucked it behind her ear so she could get a better look at her. She traced her thumb across her jaw and up against the side of her lips.

Alison took Emily’s hand, curling the tips of her fingers underneath Emily’s fingers. She pulled the brunette’s hand towards her lips. She kissed Emily’s knuckles. They were rough and scarred from all the times she’d used her fists to take out her aggression, yet her skin was soft.

“Your hands are magic in _all_ kinds of ways.” Alison smiled at her.

She stared at Emily’s long sleek fingers. They had done things to her that left imprints in ways that would never fade. They were demanding and driven, but they were also careful and meticulous, and they created intricate works of art.

“When did you first start drawing?” Alison asked curiously.

“Uh…” Emily pursed her lips in thought. It had been a habit for years, almost like an addiction. She turned to it when she felt herself in a panic about life. “Around second grade, I think. I had this therapist who told me I needed an outlet to channel everything I was feeling. At the time I just wanted to crawl in bed and stay there. I missed my dad and I was tired of seeing my mom cry. I caused some problems in school. I was a really unruly little shit.”

“You? Unruly? No way.” Alison teased her.

“Hard to believe, right?” Emily chuckled softly. She glanced at the portrait she’d drawn. “My teachers were actually the ones who discovered it. Art class was the only class where I was _there_, where I was present. They found out that I was calm when I was drawing. The teacher’s assistant talked to my therapist about it and the therapist got me into it as a form of relief. It worked for a while.”

It had gotten her through some insanely dark times. It had turned into an outlet that saved her life. It had given her a channel for her pain after her father’s death, and had continued to help her after her mother died. Even when the abuse started she’d had her drawing board to keep her from swallowing a bunch of pills. She only had her art and her brother. And her little sister.

“I stopped when Ellie died.” Her shoulders tensed up. She missed her baby sister. “Ethan is the one who got me back into it.”

He’d seen how poorly she was coping. He’d heard her crying every night. He’d talked her down from numerous ledges. He had known that unless he did something she was going to kill herself. So it was art and the army. He’d made that call. And Emily had gone along with it.

“Ethan was really good at it, too.” She filled in a shadow on her sketch. “Probably better than I am. Must be genetic. Dad always talked about wanting to be an architect.” She worked on some of the shading around the edges. “When Ethan and I were overseas he got me super drunk and then shoved a sketchbook at me.” She stopped moving the pencil in her hand. “The next morning I woke up and I’d drawn a bunch of shit. Ethan gloated.”

He’d gloated a lot. He had been such a cocky little bastard.

Alison could see a spark of pain in her expression. She touched her arm.

“I know you miss him.”

“I do.” Emily sighed. “Sometimes I wonder if the pain is ever going to stop. Or if it’s just going to be there, a part of me that I can’t get rid of that just burns and aches sometimes.”

“Time dulls the ache. But it’s always going to be there. Because the people you love matter. It hurts because it matters.” Alison peered into her eyes. “Love means knowing and accepting your pain. The people who come into our lives that take a piece of our heart…they change us. And as much as we might want to forget the pain that comes with loss, we can’t…so over time we let it shift into the joy we felt before that loss.”

“So eventually the good will overshadow the bad?” Emily asked.

“Not exactly. It’s not about good and bad or pain and pleasure. Though, they do go hand-in-hand. It’s more about knowing that you will eventually start to feel love and happiness again. And the bad fades. Not entirely. But it doesn’t define you anymore. And eventually you’ll get to a place where you think back about the people you’ve loved and lost…and you’ll smile instead of cry.” Alison smiled. “_Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened_.”

“What great philosopher said that?” Emily scoffed.

Alison laughed.

“Dr. Seuss.”

“Oh, did you do your dissertation in shrink school on _Green Eggs and Ham_?” Emily asked.

“Don’t be ludicrous, Emily.” Alison rolled her eyes. “Everyone knows the _real_ scholars write about _The Cat in the Hat_.”

Emily laughed and gently shook her head.

“So, that’s what inspires you? Children’s books?” Emily questioned.

“Among other things.” Alison nodded, looking at the rich blend of ink on Emily’s upper arm. Emily still hadn’t told her what inspired her to get the artwork on her body. “Did you draw them?” She asked, tracing her finger along a heart rhythm that looped around Emily’s arm.

“Ethan and I came up with a lot of them together.” Emily looked at where Alison’s finger had landed. “That’s Ellie’s heartbeat. We took a picture of the monitor after she was born.” She reached up with her other hand and ran her fingers down to meet where Alison’s fingertips were against her arm.

Right above the tattoo of Ellie’s heartbeat were her parents’ initials surrounded by hearts and feathers. Beneath the heart line there were two dogtags, with her brother’s name next to hers. Alison had looked at them every day since she’d met Emily. She’d seen them up close when they were in bed together, Emily’s strong arms hovering over her when they fucked. She’d seen them wrapped around her body as they cuddled. She’d seen her bicep muscles underneath the tattoos bulging when Emily was angry or stressed. She’d seen every small intricate part of her body, but as Emily talked about them, Alison felt like she was seeing them for the first time. It was a roadmap of her life.

“Did it hurt?” Alison asked, moving her fingers up the collage of artwork. “I’ve heard that sometimes it hurts.”

“It’s a pain that can be controlled. It’s part of the art. It’s like this intoxicating rush that makes the pain feel good.” She looked at her tattoos. “They’re scars designed by my own making. They tell the story I want told. And I get to choose how much pain I feel.”

Alison was quiet as she considered Emily’s answer. It made sense to her that Emily would want to take control of the situation. She’d never had control over anything that happened to her. It was liberating and freeing for her to be able to manage something in her life the way _she_ wanted it.

“I wish I could take it all away. The pain…”

“It led me to you.” Emily put her sketchpad down.

She gently turned Alison’s cheek towards her and then moved her palm down against the side of her neck. They leaned in, their lips meeting. When they pulled away their foreheads naturally fell together. Alison had the softest look on her face.

“You really put up with a hell of a lot.” Emily leaned into their embrace.

“So do you.” Alison pecked her lips.

There was a quiet tension in the air, a tangible moment between the two of them. They were bonded together in the most intimate way. And Emily felt it in her soul. As she peered into Alison’s loving eyes she felt the urge to lay her down against the floor and pepper her with kisses. She wanted to feel her again…to see her face in ecstasy…to hold her body as she fell into a state of bliss.

But then she remembered the last time she’d been on top of her…the last time she’d pushed it too far too fast. And she pulled away.

“I uh…I’m kind of beat.” Emily cleared her throat, trying to bury her lust.

Alison pecked her lips again and then smiled at her.

“Get some sleep.”

Alison stood up and sauntered over to her bed. Emily watched her ass as she walked across the room. She was walking slowly, deliberately. She knew that Emily liked looking at her backside. She had a great ass.

Emily laid down, clasping her hands and laying them across her stomach. She looked at the ceiling. She closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing, feeling the motion of her stomach moving as she inhaled and exhaled. It was something her psychiatrist had told her to do.

Emily felt a strange discomfort in her stomach. She shifted on her back, trying to dull the ache. Sometimes she had phantom pains from the injuries she’d suffered overseas. And sometimes she could still feel his knuckles against her ribs or pounding into her stomach. He always hit her where her bruises couldn’t be seen. The memories were more painful than the scars her physical injuries had left.

She rustled around, but it seemed that no matter how much she tried to get comfortable…she just made it worse. She tossed and turned until Alison wasn’t able to stand it anymore.

“Em, why don’t you come up here and lay with me for a while?”

Emily didn’t argue. She crawled under the covers next to Alison. Alison immediately wrapped her arms around Emily’s upper body, settling her cheek against her collar bone. She nuzzled her head underneath Emily’s chin.

“Is this okay?” Alison asked.

Emily smiled and kissed her head. Being next to her, having her warm heat against her body, it felt like a peace she’d never known before. Because Alison didn’t just share her body with Emily. She shared her heart.

“It’s perfect.” Emily ran her fingers through Alison’s hair. She took a deep breath, taking in the smell of Alison’s shampoo. She closed her eyes. “I’ve missed this.”

Emily laid in the bed thinking about how strange happiness felt. It was terrifying to feel joy. She’d lived most of her life without it and now that she knew what it felt like she was scared it would be ripped away from her. She was afraid of how much it was going to hurt.

She’d never let herself enjoy the moment. Not before she met Alison. She’d always lived her life like she wasn’t going to get a tomorrow, like she didn’t deserve a happy ending. Her newfound happiness put more weight on her. But at the same time, she couldn’t imagine her life without the girl next to her.

She closed her eyes, not sure how long the happiness would last.

The moment came to a jarring end when she got stuck in a nightmare.

He’d caught up to them. Emily was restrained, her body aching, but she was struggling against the restraints so much they were cutting into her skin. Because he was strangling Alison in front of her. He looked at Emily maliciously and reached for his zipper.

“NO!” She screamed. “Get the hell away from her!”

The intensity of the terror she felt was causing her physical pain. She felt something sharp in her right side and when she looked down a knife was protruding from her stomach. The restraints were gone. She felt a painful spasm in her back.

She could hear Alison’s dying breaths. Emily fell against the floor, barely able to move. She lifted her bloody hand and saw Alison reaching towards her, crying out her name. Their fingers were inches from each other. Blood trickled off of Emily’s fingers and splashed against the floor.

“Ali…” She managed to mutter before she lost consciousness.

When she woke up Alison was next to her, wiping the sweat away from her cheek.

“You’re okay. You’re safe.”

It was always the first thing Alison said to her when she woke up from a bad dream. But it didn’t help much this time. Because Emily wasn’t the one who was suffering in the nightmare.

She laid in the bed shivering, gripping Alison’s hand tightly. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t move.

“Please talk to me. If I could just understand what you were…”

“He’s going to find us.” Her voice was hoarse from screaming.

“What?”

Emily hated the idea of Alison suffering because of her past. She’d promised she’d never let anything happen to her.

“I never should have dragged you into this.”

“Stop blaming yourself.” Alison’s voice came out rigid and angry. She hated it when Emily did that. “I am with you no matter _what_.”

Emily could hear the passion in her voice.

“You never stopped caring about me, did you?” Emily felt tears stinging her eyes. “Even after everything I put you through…”

“You didn’t put me through anything.” Alison assured her. “To be perfectly honest, I think I needed you as much as you needed me.”

“What could you possibly need me for?” Emily rolled to her side, facing the blonde. “You’re one of the strongest women I know.”

Alison chewed on her lip. Emily had no idea just how fragile she was inside. How much her brother’s incarceration ate away at her. How much she blamed herself for Emily falling into the darkness. How terrified she’d been in that motel room, drenched in Emily’s blood. Emily didn’t know how fractured she felt.

“I didn’t know what strength was until I met you,” Alison said.

Emily had been through so much, and she was still standing. Alison was amazed by her every day. The way Emily was looking at her made her feel so much at once. She could see the sadness in her eyes. A tear slipped down Emily’s cheek, and it pained Alison to see it.

“Just tell me what you need.” Alison leaned over her, holding her cheek.

Emily looked at her, her eyes brimming with tears. She wasn’t sure why it was so hard for her to tell her. Part of her felt like she didn’t deserve Alison. So when she did finally speak, her voice came out quiet.

“You,” Emily said with a softness in her eyes. “I just need you.”

“You have me.” Alison kissed her.

Emily felt her heart beating fast for the _right_ reasons when they met in their embrace. The kiss started out chaste, but it quickly turned into a needy fit of passion.

Alison slid her hand down against the side of her neck. Emily lifted her hands to touch her, but hesitated. All she could picture was the night she’d drunkenly climbed into Alison’s bed. She never wanted to push any unwanted advances on her again. She never wanted Alison to feel small and trapped the way she had her entire life. She didn’t want to take it too far. Never again.

Alison noticed her hesitance, and she knew why she was holding back.

“It’s okay. You can touch me, Em.” She broke their kiss long enough to kiss the side of Emily’s jaw.

That was all the permission Emily needed. She pushed forward, gently rolling Alison against her back. Emily twisted around to tear her shirt off as she rolled them.

Their lips met again, this time with an intense amount of force. She slowly started to pull up Alison’s teddy, the lace slippery underneath her fingertips. Once she had it off she climbed on top of her and leaned down to kiss her again.

“Are you okay to do this?” Alison pushed her forehead against Emily’s. “Your therapy is the most important…”

“Fuck therapy.” Emily breathed heavily against her lips. “This is what I need. _You_ are what I need.”

Alison responded with another kiss. She cradled Emily’s cheeks as she felt her weight shift on top of her. Their chests pressed together, a warmth that they both needed to feel, a connection…an electricity between them as their bodies clashed.

“Are you sure, Ali?” Emily stopped long enough to look into her eyes.

“Are _you_?”

Emily nodded. She caressed Alison’s cheek and forced her lips against Alison’s again. She felt Alison’s tongue prodding against her lips. She opened her mouth, allowing Alison to taste her.

There was no foreplay. Neither one of them said a word. They just stayed in the moment with one another. Emily led the encounter. Her tongue swirled against Alison’s, both of them becoming breathless. Their breasts moved together as their chests heaved. Emily’s fingers circled Alison’s left nipple. Alison felt a strong urge to mirror her actions, but she didn’t want to push Emily into anything she didn’t want.

Her hand strayed dangerously close to Emily’s left breast. Emily could sense what she wanted. She took a deep breath and then moved her hand over Alison’s, guiding it towards her chest.

Alison gasped into their kiss when she felt the smooth skin of Emily’s breast. It was hot to the touch, her nipple engorged and erect. She ran her thumb over the tip and gently pressed her index finger against it, tweaking it.

She felt Emily shiver, and she could see the goosebumps rising on her skin. Emily exhaled a shaky breath against Alison’s mouth.

There was a subtle change in their kiss. Emily tensed up, and though she didn’t tell her to stop, Alison could tell it was too much for her, so she pulled back and moved to focus on the kiss again.

Emily felt a flush of embarrassment. Because she’d been the one to initiate the touch.

“Ali, I…”

“It’s okay.” Alison pushed into their embrace. “We don’t have to. Not until you’re ready.”

She didn’t need Emily to explain anything to her. She just wanted to be with her, in any way that she could. So she held her face and gripped her bare side, bathing in her warmth.

Emily was responsive in the most sensual way, deepening the embrace. Their kisses became frenzied, like they were going to run out of time. Their bodies moved together in a rhythm set to their own making. Time existed in their motions like soft droplets of rain that took their own shape before becoming just another ripple in a body of water so large that it consumed everything.

Alison felt Emily’s hand trailing against the front of her stomach and down to her groin. Alison’s kisses became erratic and her breathing became labored as she felt herself getting ready for the brunette. Emily felt her wetness and smiled against Alison’s lips. She swiped her fingers through her folds and felt Alison trembling beneath her. She stopped long enough to peer into Alison’s eyes.

Alison nodded to let her know it was okay. She gripped Emily’s cheek, holding her in place. She wanted her to know that she saw her…that she felt her.

Emily pushed two fingers into her. She watched as Alison writhed. Her mouth fell open and she moaned. Emily pressed her lips against Alison’s mouth to consume her cries. She increased her tempo and added a third finger, moving with a little more conviction. Alison grasped at her back, trying to get her to go faster. Emily pushed harder, her thrusts quickening into an unforgiving pace.

Alison’s body reacted so naturally to her. She wasn’t even thinking as she ran her fingernails against Emily’s bare back. She didn’t have to tell Emily what she wanted anymore. The brunette just knew. Emily pushed her to her height, but then pulled back every time she was at the peak of her pleasure.

She was taunting her. Teasing her.

And it was so fucking hot.

Every cell in Alison’s body felt like it was on fire. Emily was so good at knowing exactly how far to push her. Every time she was about to fall over the edge, Emily prolonged it.

Alison felt like she was being pulled towards the sun, and it burned in the best way. Sweat was rolling down her body. Her chest was moving up and down rapidly as she tried to catch her breath.

Her mouth dropped open and she whimpered out a quiet cry of pleasure. Emily could feel her tightening around her fingers. She pressed a kiss against her jaw and blew against Alison’s ear. Alison was trying to hold out. She wanted the feeling to last forever, but it was over the second she felt Emily’s lips tenderly brush against her earlobe, her scorching tongue against the sensitive flesh.

Emily pulled back to watch her as she came. She had never seen anything quite as beautiful as Alison in the throes of passion. And in the midst of it, she forgot her pain. She forgot her fears. She wasn’t damaged. She wasn’t broken. She was just with Alison. And Alison’s pleasure was her pleasure.

Alison’s body relaxed against the bed. Emily slowly moved her fingers in and out to help her ride it out. When Alison felt Emily pull her fingers out the feeling of emptiness stung for a few seconds. But then she felt Emily’s weight on top of her again.

Alison pulled her down and held her, her breaths coming out heavy against the side of her neck. When she closed her eyes she felt like she was swimming in a sea that smelled exactly like the brunette. A strange blissful feeling was coming from within. She felt tears of joy burning her eyes. Her heart felt so full. She felt a pure gentle stillness inside of herself and it burned with a passion she only felt when she was with Emily.

She could feel Emily’s chest heaving against hers. She could taste the salty sweat on her body. And she could sense the warmth and aching need in Emily’s heart.

Her fingernails gently prodded against the back of Emily’s neck as her insides continued to throb and ache for her to fill her again. Emily rubbed her thigh against the moisture that had gathered between Alison’s legs. An aftershock of Alison’s orgasm hit her out of nowhere and she huffed out a cry of satisfaction. And in that moment she felt it.

“I love you, Emily.”

She realized the weight of the words the second she heard them out loud. It had slipped out. She’d never said that to her during sex. She knew that Emily knew it, but it was different when it was said in an intimate context. And she was hoping that it wouldn’t scare Emily.

Emily picked her head up and smiled at her. She wanted to say it back. It was on the tip of her tongue, but the words scared her. She felt it, and that was enough for now. So she responded with a kiss. She rolled off of Alison, pulling the blonde into her arms. She was able to hide her fear about the joy she was feeling. She was able to stay calm, because she was overtly consumed with Alison DiLaurentis.

She wasn’t thinking about Peter or the man who had ripped her childhood away from her. She wasn’t thinking about anger or revenge or pain. She wasn’t thinking about her declining health. She saw Alison and she felt nothing but love.

Emily felt like her life might just be reaching a turning point. Alison was guiding her, helping her find her way. The only time the rest of the world was quiet in a way that she could handle was when she was next to the blonde.

“You’re beautiful.” Emily held her tightly.

She heard Alison sigh happily. Alison gripped Emily’s arms. She loved it when Emily held her. And Emily loved holding her. She loved everything about her. She loved the way Alison’s nose crinkled when she laughed. She loved the way she mindlessly flipped her hair when she talked. She loved the way she thought of others before she thought of herself. She loved the crease in her brow when she was angry. She loved the way her skin seemed to glow when she was turned on. She loved looking into her eyes. She loved talking to her. She loved every moment they shared.

And she loved the way Alison called her name when she came. Every time.

She loved her.

She just couldn’t fucking say it. Because when she heard it she only heard him choking it out of her.

Emily shuddered at the thought of it.

“I…um…I can’t…”

“You don’t have to explain, Em. We’ll go at whatever pace you’re comfortable with.” She pecked her lips with a smile. “I know you feel the same way.”

“I do.”

“Well, at least you’ll know how to say _that_ at our wedding.” Alison teased.

“Did you just propose to me after a sex romp?”

“Did you just _say_ sex romp?” Alison laughed.

“You up for round two?”

“Always.”

The second time was even better than the first. Emily’s touch…and her exquisite, exquisite mouth always took Alison to new heights. Alison squeezed Emily’s face with her thighs, she scratched her back, she slammed her pelvis forward with a power that only seemed obtainable in nature. She made noises that people miles away were sure to hear.

And when it was over she slouched against Emily’s figure, drinking in the scent of her sweat and her love like a fine wine.

Emily loved seeing her girl satisfied. It took the sting out of her pain. It turned the darkness into light. She closed her eyes, for once not fearing the things she’d see when she was in the dark.

Her nightmares stayed at bay the rest of the night.

When she woke up in the morning Alison wasn’t next to her. She rolled over and slapped the mattress. When she realized she was alone she shot up in bed, panicking. She knew it wasn’t rational to freak out. Maybe Alison was in the bathroom. Or maybe she was in the kitchen making them breakfast. Maybe she’d taken Lupo for a walk.

_Or maybe the psychopath who is after you snatched her in the middle of the night. _

Emily kicked the covers off of her legs and jumped out of bed. She grabbed her shirt and pulled it on and then paced out of the room. She checked the bathroom first, but didn’t find her. She called out her name, but got no response.

_If something happens to her because of me…_

She couldn’t bear the thought. She couldn’t let it happen again. She wouldn’t.

She ran down the stairs and checked the living room and the kitchen, but found no trace. She was about to go into a full blown meltdown when she saw a flash of yellow hair through the window looking out over the backyard.

Emily breathed a sigh of relief and walked out the back door. Lupo was walking around the backyard, patrolling for squirrels like he did every morning.

Alison was leaning against the railing, watching her dog. She was already dressed.

“Morning.” Emily walked up behind Alison.

Alison felt Emily’s arms around her waist. Emily pressed her front against Alison’s back and placed a kiss against her shoulder.

Any other morning Alison would have turned around and smiled and kissed her good morning. But she was too pissed for that. Instead, she brushed Emily off and grabbed a glass that was sitting on the banister. The mimosa was supposed to be calming her down.

“Ali?”

Alison didn’t look back at her. She just coolly took a sip of her drink. Emily took a step back.

“What’s wrong?” Her mouth suddenly felt dry. “Did I do something…”

Alison put her glass down, finally turning to make eye contact with her. She had a steely expression on her face.

_Oh, fuck._ Emily felt her heart drop.

“Was last night…did you not want to?”

Besides being stalked, that was her worst fucking nightmare…to think she’d made Alison do something she didn’t want to. But she’d said she’d wanted it. Unless Emily was losing her mind.

“What?” Alison heard the panicked tone in her voice. _Shit. I’m a fucking asshole._ “Em, no.” She glanced up at her, still holding the railing, but the anger had faded from her face. “I’ll always want you. I meant every word I said last night.” She paused and clarified. “_Every_ word. That’s not what this is about.”

“So, then what’s going on?”

Alison gripped the wooden railing. She took a breath to try and calm herself down. She finally forced herself to meet Emily’s gaze.

“I know you’ve been lying to me.” Alison tapped her fingers against the finished wood.

“What are you talking about?”

“Your phone was buzzing this morning and I grabbed it, thinking it was mine.” She slid Emily’s phone down the railing. “So I answered it.”

Emily picked up her phone and saw the most recent call. She recognized the number immediately. Her eyes widened.

_Shit. Shit. Shit!_

“I can explain…”

Alison stared at her, waiting for her explanation. She had been through hell and back with Emily. And she wasn’t going to give up on her. But she was done with secrets and lies. She knew their relationship was only going to make it if Emily laid everything out on the table.

* * *

_Hey, at least I gave you cocoa, cuddling, and bedroom shenanigans (be nice!) before I threw the curveball at you._


	15. The Art of the Truth

* * *

**Chapter 15:**

**The Art of the Truth**

Emily couldn’t believe her luck. They had _just_ found their stride and now she felt like she was belly-flopping into the water without any control.

They’d been through this song and dance before. Only this time Alison hadn’t gone looking for her medical records. Some idiot at her doctor’s office had fucked up, and the information fell into her lap.

“When the hell were you going to tell me?” Alison looked at her in disbelief. “Were you even going to tell me or were you just planning on dying on me in the middle of the night?”

“I was trying to protect you…”

“This isn’t something you can protect people from!” After all they’d been through together, especially with Emily’s health, she couldn’t believe that the brunette would keep her in the dark. “How could you not tell me your liver was starting to fail? How could you hide that from me?”

“I didn’t want you to worry.” Emily reached out to her, but Alison threw her hands up and shook her head. “I’ve been fine. It’s early stage at this point. And we both know there isn’t anything I can do. I just have to keep taking my medications to keep me comfortable.”

“There are things they can do. They have live donor transplants.”

“I don’t have any living relatives that could do that.”

“Well, did you even consider a regular transplant? Early intervention is key. We could get you on the list…”

“Be reasonable. I’m not a viable candidate. Not with my history.” She ran her fingers over the thick bulbous scar on her left arm. It was still pink and fresh.

“You’re taking steps to better your mental health. You’re not drinking or doing drugs. And you served this country. They would take you.”

“I can’t take a healthy liver away from anyone else.” Emily sighed, looking down at her feet. “I did this to myself. There are people out there who are more deserving. Moms with three kids. Children with degenerative diseases. People who were struck down in the prime of their lives who _deserve_ it. I’m not more worthy than they are.”

“You are _to me_.” Alison’s voice cracked. How did she not get that? “You don’t get to just give up. Not after everything…not with what we have…”

“I understand that you’re angry…” Emily gently gripped her arm.

“I’m not angry.” She ripped her arm away from Emily. It startled Emily, because Alison never pushed her away. Not even when she was at her worst. “I’m disappointed.”

_That’s just another way to say you’re pissed off._

“I know. I get that…”

“No, you don’t. You never have.” And before she could stop herself, the emotions she’d been holding in since Emily’s suicide attempt started spewing out. “You don’t know how exhausting it is to love someone who is buried in the dark…who doesn’t care whether she lives or dies. You don’t understand the impact you make…what you’ve done to my heart. Because it’s like a piece of me belongs to you. And it hurts to watch you wilting away. And I know it’s not your fault. But I also know that you _feel_ something. And I thought that would be a reason enough for you to _want_ to live.”

“I do. It’s just…my mind…” Emily grimaced, “…it doesn’t work like that. It has nothing to do with _wanting_ to. Because if I had my choice I would choose you every time. But there’s a part of me…it takes over sometimes.”

“I know. And I accept that part of you, Em.” She moved forward, reaching out to touch the brunette’s face. “What I can’t accept is losing you. I jump every time my phone rings. I sit at work wondering whether or not you’re okay. I worry every night that you won’t come home. I spend every moment wondering if _this_ moment is the last. Because I love you,” she said tearfully. “And it’s fucking exhausting.”

“I never intended to hurt you.” Emily hated that she’d done this to Alison. She hated that she’d made her cry. Again.

“You never do…” Alison muttered.

Alison looked into Emily’s eyes, and she just couldn’t help but think of the three little words she’d said to Emily just hours ago. She didn’t fault Emily for not telling her the same thing. She understood the connotations of what the words meant to her. But it still hurt. After she’d said it she’d been drowning in endorphins. She hadn’t been able to process Emily not saying it back. But now that she’d all morning to stew in her emotions, it felt like the end of the world.

“You know, you’ve never once said it back.” She dropped her hand and rocked on her feet. “And it’s fine. You don’t have to. Because like I’ve said before, I know you do. I know who we are. But I wish you could see that it’s not just something I say lightly. Last night…it was my first time ever saying it during…”

Emily was the first person she’d ever said those three little words to. She’d been in relationships before. She’d fucked a lot of women. But she’d never been in love with them. Not like she was in love with Emily.

Emily wasn’t sure what to say. She knew that Alison had taken a huge leap of faith with her. And she knew it probably wasn’t easy for her to say. Emily opened her mouth to reply, but then struggled to find the right words. After a few seconds she sighed.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Emily. Just be honest with me. It’s all I ask.”

The silence in the air felt like an unsettling ominous cloud hovering over them. Emily had no idea what she could say to make things better. She wanted to go back to last night. She wanted to see Alison’s pure joy, not her pain.

Alison’s phone cut through the tension in the air. She grabbed it without looking at Emily.

“I have to go.” She shuffled past her. “I have to get to work.”

She stopped long enough to look over her shoulder. Emily could see the pain in her eyes.

“Ali, can we please just talk about this?”

“I need some time to cool down.” She leaned forward, kissing Emily’s lips lightly. It felt like a pity kiss and Emily could feel the difference. “We’re okay, Em. I just…I need some space to breathe here.”

“Okay.” Emily wanted to respect her feelings, so she took a step back.

“Don’t forget about your appointment with Doctor Sullivan at ten. I asked Cece to swing by and give you a ride. It’s on her way to the hospital.”

_Great. So she can kill me for breaking your heart._

Alison disappeared through the back door. Emily stood on the porch for a few seconds, too stunned to do anything.

When she finally came to her senses she rushed after Alison. But the blonde had already grabbed her things and was halfway to her car. By the time Emily reached the driveway Alison was already driving down the road.

“Fuck.” Emily grumbled to herself, staring out the front door. She whirled around and slammed it, “Fuck!”

She had something magical with Alison. And she’d managed to screw it up. She trudged into the guest room. She paced the floor until she felt the static electricity starting to burn her feet.

Every instinct in her brain was telling her to pack up and leave before she caused more damage. She had the inclination to run when shit hit the fan. But then she looked at her surroundings, and she realized how much it felt like home. Not because of the roof over her head or the warm bed. Because of Alison. Her home was with Alison.

And despite the fact that she’d screwed up, she knew that Alison still loved her. And she wanted her. She knew that what they had was something important.

So instead of running, she stayed. She took a shower and got changed and waited on Cece to come by to chauffeur her to her appointment with her shrink.

She expected some shiny fancy car, but Cece pulled into the driveway in an old used hybrid. It looked like the wind could knock it over.

Cece rolled down the window and waved to Emily.

“Hey, hot stuff. How much for an hour with you?” She pulled her sunglasses down and made a lewd face.

Emily rolled her eyes. Cece was a lot like Hanna. The two of them in a battle of wits is something she would pay to see. And she would have no clue which one of them to bet on.

“I take it you’re my babysitter?”

“I like to think of it as more along the lines of community service. Because I’m not getting paid.” Cece motioned for Emily to climb in the car.

Emily walked over to the passenger’s side and opened the door.

“I can pay you for gas.” She sat down.

“Your money is no good here, soldier.” Cece faced her. “Damn, rough night? You’re looking a little green, Calamity Jane.”

“I’m fine.” Emily mumbled. But she wasn’t. She felt like shit. She was sure guilt played a factor in it. “Ali and I were up late.”

“Ah ha. So it was _that_ kind of late night.” Cece lifted her brows mischievously. “The world is our oyster. Where to?” Cece put the car in reverse.

“I don’t suppose we could Thelma and Louise it over a cliff? I’d rather do that than therapy.”

“Not without going on an epic crime spree first. And I don’t have enough time to become an outlaw before work.”

“So? Ditch.”

“No can do, _bandita_. I’m assisting in a kick-ass surgery today. Wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

“Well, look at you…moving on up. Seems like just yesterday you were doing scut work.”

“That _was_ yesterday. And _every_ day. It’s just a part of it. I find stains on my scrubs and don’t know what they’re from half the time. Don’t know if I _want_ to know. Sometimes I think Alison was the smart one for going into psych.” She glanced at Emily. “Speaking of, you better be kidding about the cliff thing.”

“I was.”

“You know Ali would kill me if I let anything happen to you.”

“I was just fucking around.”

“I get that you’re using it as a way to relieve some of the pressure, but don’t say shit like that, brown eyes. Something happening to you is her worst nightmare. And I don’t want you fucking with my girl’s heart.”

_Too late._

Emily leaned back against the seat. She just wanted to go back to last night. She wanted to hold Alison in her arms again. There had been a fleeting moment where she hadn’t felt any pain. In fact, she had felt love…or what she assumed to be love.

“You okay over there?” Cece asked.

“Never better.”

She made small talk with Cece and floundered through her appointment with her head shrink. Doctor Sullivan always had her do stupid mental exercises that put her on edge.

She took the bus back to Alison’s neighborhood, choosing to walk the last few blocks to try and clear her head. She couldn’t stop herself from obsessively checking her phone. Alison usually checked in, but since she hadn’t Emily texted her.

_“Can we talk?”_

She didn’t get a response. It bothered her. She knew that sometimes Alison got too busy to talk at work, but she really didn’t want the blonde to be angry at her all day.

_“Ali?”_

Still nothing.

It made her feel antsy. She paced around the house for a few minutes, Lupo following her every move.

Her thoughts were running rampant and she couldn’t stand it. So to burn off some energy she took Lupo and went for a jog.

She went by Peter’s house, but he wasn’t there. She overheard his mom talking on the phone about going to his daughter’s career day at school. So her search stalled for the day.

She ran her frustration out. By the time she got back her entire body was throbbing. It wasn’t uncommon for her old injuries to flare up, but she was _really_ feeling it. When she leaned over to put a fresh bowl of water on the floor for Lupo she felt a dull ache in her side.

_Great. Just fucking great._

She stumbled, reaching for her ribs. She gripped the counter as she pushed herself into a standing position. She waited a few seconds for it to fade. It dissipated, but she went to lie down to give her muscles a rest.

Lupo walked into the room holding one of his stuffed toys. He always brought her a toy when he sensed something was wrong. Emily smiled at the dopey dog and pat her hand against the bed to invite him up next to her. He hopped on the mattress and then stood next to her, dropping the toy against her chest.

She laughed and teased him with the toy for a few seconds before she let him grasp it in his teeth again. Despite her side pain, she played a short game of tug of war with him. She let him win and he plopped down on the bed next to her, chewing on the slobbery toy. He eventually got bored and rolled up against Emily, shoving his head into her so she’d scratch him between his ears.

His antics calmed some of her anxiety. But then she remembered that Alison was pissed at her. And it all came crashing down again.

Her phone buzzed from the end table and she grabbed it.

“What?” She answered angrily.

“Hello to you, too.” She heard Caleb’s voice on the other end. “Sorry. Am I interrupting one of your pity parties?”

“No, I welcome the interruption. Maybe it will keep me from continuing to fuck everything in my life up.”

“What’s up?”

“Making stupid decisions and doing dumb shit. Just the usual.”

“I thought you were doing better.”

“It’s a continuous process. But it’s not really something that’s on my mind much anymore. Nature is going to do it for me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“My liver is shit. Ali keeps talking about a transplant, but I don’t know. I already know what my chances for that are. I don’t want her to get her hopes up.”

“Shit, Em.”

“Don’t turn into a pussy on me. I’m fine right now. People live for years with this kind of thing. The advances in medicine can basically keep people walking zombies.”

“Guess I won’t notice much of a difference since you’re already a brainless twat.”

“Fuck you, Rivers.” Emily huffed out a laugh. “Nice one.”

“See? I can’t do this with anyone else. I don’t want you to go expiring on me.”

“I’m not a carton of milk.”

“You sure? Because you’re sour as hell.”

“That’s just my natural charm.” She leaned back against the bed. “So, what are you blowing my phone up for?”

The line was silent for a few seconds. Emily felt his mood shift.

“Caleb?”

“Yeah. I’m here.” He seemed conflicted. “I got a hit on something and I thought you might want to know about it.”

More silence.

“You can’t just say something like that and then clam up.”

“I don’t want you going and doing something crazy to get yourself killed.”

“Believe me, there is no chance of that happening. Every time I try, this annoyingly perfect blonde woman pulls me back from the brink of it.” _Even if she is pissed at me right now. _“Don’t be a dick. Just tell me what’s going on.”

“I’ve been keeping an eye on that phone line. I’ve tapped it. I listen in from time to time.”

“You’ve got way too much time on your hands.”

“I overheard this guy talking to Peter. Sounds like they’re setting up a meet tonight for something shady, which is par for the course. But something about this guy rubbed me the wrong way. I traced the number he was calling from and was able to ping a location. Checked the CCTV cams and got a pretty clear shot of him.”

Emily’s heart started racing. Was he saying what she thought he was saying?

“You got a picture of him?” Her mouth suddenly felt very dry.

“Yeah, but…”

“Send it to me.”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

“Send me the fucking picture, Rivers.”

Caleb sighed.

“Okay,” he relented. “But I want you to stay on the phone with me.”

Emily ripped the phone away from her ear and stared at the screen, waiting for the message to come through. When the message popped up with the attachment she closed her eyes and took a breath to mentally prepare herself.

Unfortunately, nothing could have prepared her for the rush of the past that came back to her when she clicked on the photo.

The image was grainy, but his face was unmistakable. When the picture flashed on her screen she saw every night he was drunk. She saw every time he raised his hand to her and Ethan. She saw everything he’d ever done to them.

She saw the monster who killed her little sister. The photo was black and white, but she could see the bloodshot eyes she knew so well. She saw his face. His angry beady eyes. Everything about him made her skin crawl.

Emily felt a wave of nausea wafting over her and she stumbled out of the bed and into the bathroom, still gripping her phone. She thought she was going to puke, but nothing came up. She felt her stomach tense up.

“Em? You still there?”

“Yeah.” She glanced in the mirror and saw that her face was nearly white.

The shock had hit her harder than she was prepared for. She heard a whine from the doorway and she saw the dog staring at her in concern.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” Caleb asked. “The guy you’re looking for?”

“I was hoping he was in the fucking ground.”

She put the phone down and hit the speaker button. She turned on the tap and let the cool water fill up her hands and then splashed her face.

“We have people we can hire for that.” Caleb was dead serious. He didn’t know what the man had done, but he had Emily’s back no matter what.

Emily took a breath.

“No.” She reached for a towel to pat her cheeks dry. “It has to be me.” She clicked on the photo again. It was like a trainwreck she couldn’t tear her eyes away from. “Where are they meeting?”

“Down by the docks.”

_Sounds about right._

When she’d been out by the warehouse following Peter she’d gotten a really slimy feeling about that place.

She glanced at the photo again and something caught her eye. Her heart clenched in her chest.

“Fuck. He’s outside the pharmacy on Fifth.”

“Yeah. So?”

“Alison works right down the street.” She thought about how Alison hadn’t replied to her. Had he found out how close they were? Was he going to use Alison against her? “When was this taken?”

“Around ten.”

“I swear to God if he did something to her…”

“He didn’t say anything in the phone call that indicated he was going to do anything to Alison.”

“What exactly did he say?”

“Something about closing out a deal.”

“I’ve got to go.” Emily grabbed her phone.

“Emily, don’t…”

But she cut him off, hanging up the call. She hit the speed dial for Alison. The call went to voicemail. It made Emily want to throw her phone into the wall.

She rushed out of the house, calling the closest Uber she could find. She told them she’d pay double if they ran all the red lights. She called and texted Alison on the way.

When she got to the office she was disappointed to find that Alison wasn’t at her cubicle. She asked around, but no one seemed to know where she was.

She tried Alison’s phone again, but she got her voicemail again.

“Shit,” she uttered.

“Emily?” She heard a familiar voice.

When she spun around she saw Aria standing behind her with a concerned look on her face.

“Aria. Hey.”

“Is everything okay?” Aria reached out to touch her, but stopped at the last second.

“Where’s Ali?”

“She’s out in the field today. She’s helping out one of our partner’s social workers.”

“Oh.”

It wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear. What she wanted was for Alison to be safe in her office, sitting at her desk, and being grouchy about their fight.

They were supposed to spend the day sulking, as per usual when they fought. And then Emily was supposed to make it up to her by making her a gourmet dinner and rocking her world in bed.

“Is everything okay?” Aria could see the pain on her face.

“Yeah, it’s just…she’s not answering her phone.”

“Being out in the field with social work requires being present and in the moment. She either left her phone in the car or it’s off.” She watched Emily carefully. She could see that she was agitated. “Do you need to talk? I mean, I know I’m not Ali, but…”

“No. I’m fine.” Emily glanced towards the exit. Her next stop was the motel. She needed to get her gun. “Just tell Alison to call me when you see her.”

She bolted before Aria could ask any more questions. Aria tried to follow her, but Emily was already gone.

Aria grabbed her phone and called Alison. She didn’t want to alarm her, but she’d seen enough unhinged people to know when they were in trouble. She wasn’t the least bit surprised when she got Alison’s voicemail.

Alison’s phone flashed from inside the darkness of her purse in her car. She’d left it in the parking garage outside of the downtown office building she’d gone to for her meeting. She hadn’t meant to leave it in the car, but by the time they left to go out on location it was too late to go back and get it.

The phone screen blinked, the alert flashing _“5 new voicemails”_.

Several were from Emily. And one was from Aria. But the most crucial voicemail that she got…the one that would be too late to do anything about, was from her brother. It was short and simple and to the point:

“We found him. It’s being taken care of.”

As Emily was speeding towards her motel to get her gun, Jason’s old army buddy was loading his own weapon and heading to the docks. The sharpshooter had gotten word that the man who had been torturing Emily was going to be there. He didn’t know Emily would be there. Or that he was going to make a fatal mistake.

Emily decided to take her brother’s service weapon. She thought it was only right that Ethan’s gun fire the deadly shot. They’d fantasized about taking him out for years after he’d killed Ellie.

She ran her thumb across the handle of the gun. She felt strangely calm. She was on a mission. She was motivated. There was no way she was letting this golden opportunity slip through her fingers. She had to see this through, not only for herself, but for Alison. For Hanna and Aria and Spencer. For Mona. For Charles. For Cece. For everyone in her life who gave a damn about her…for everyone she cared about.

She sat on her motel bed, a bed she hadn’t used in months, and she thought about how she’d never really had a place to call home. But something she’d come to learn was that home wasn’t a place. It was a feeling.

She wasn’t sure why she hadn’t been able to close out her tab on the motel room. It’s not like she ever used it. It was basically just a storage space. It also gave her somewhere to go if she needed a break from everything else in her life. It was a safety net. And it made her feel connected to her brother.

She’d spent a lot of her time hiding in motels with Ethan before they’d joined the army. They’d basically lived off of snacks from the vending machines and canned beans and hotdogs they bought at gas stations.

Ethan had taken it upon himself to take care of her, and she’d done the same for him. They’d made a pact that if they ever saw him again they would destroy him. She had never realized that she’d destroyed herself in the process of dealing with her anger and her pain.

She stared at the bathroom where she’d slit her wrists. The blood had been mopped up and the mirror had been replaced, but she could still see the thick red substance pooled on the floor from that night. She could still see it, even though it wasn’t there.

She was surprised the motel hadn’t kicked her out after that night. Then again, there was shadier shit going on, and an attempted suicide wasn’t even on their radar. It was part of the reason she’d chosen the motel. They looked the other way for most things.

She looked at Ethan’s gun.

“I’m sorry I fucked everything up,” she said quietly. She hated herself every day for not being able to save him. “I’m going to fix it. I promise I’ll fix it.”

She saw the reflection of a shadow in the gun and when she looked up she could have sworn she saw her brother standing next to her. The empty room felt alive with a restless air.

She holstered the weapon and then glanced at her phone.

Still nothing from Alison. She pulled up her messaging app. Her fingers hovered over the keypad. Part of her wanted to tell Alison she loved her…just in case something went wrong. But how did you sum something like that up in a text?

_“Thanks for everything. I love you. Just wanted you to know in case I get my head blown off.”_

Alison deserved more than that. She deserved better.

She stared at the empty text bubble and decided against it. She grabbed a pen and a piece of paper from the desk next to the bed.

_“Alison, I just need you to know that if I could do it all over again, I would. Everything we are…everything I am…it’s because of the love that you gave me. You gave me the courage to live when I wanted to die. Even when I slipped…you were there to help me back up. You never gave up on me. I’ve only made it this far because of the night we met. And while I regret what it did to you, I don’t regret how it brought us together. I don’t know if that makes me selfish. But I’ll take selfish over the fear of not knowing you. I know I’ve never told you this, but I hope you know it all the same…I love you. My whole life, I’ve never loved anything more. Just know that I always will.” _

When she finished scribbling she folded the note up and put it in her pocket. Then she grabbed her things and walked out of the motel room.

**o ~ O ~ o**

Emily got off of the bus a few miles shy of the docks. The place was deserted, which didn’t surprise her, because it was obvious that it was a front for something shady at night.

She did a quick perimeter sweep and then found a spot inside of a warehouse overlooking the docks.

She didn’t know that she’d missed a hidden room, where Jason’s friend had been holed up for hours, waiting on his target.

And he hadn’t seen her slip in. He’d seen her outside walking by and assumed she was a jogger. He had no idea that she was the very girl his buddy was paying him to avenge. It wasn’t the last mistake he’d make that day.

Emily found a place to hide among the shipping crates. She double checked her phone to make sure it was off. The last thing she wanted was for her phone to go off in the middle of a murder.

When she heard footsteps her adrenaline started coursing through her veins. She readied her weapon. She felt like she was back on the battlefield again. Only this time she didn’t have back up.

When she saw Peter walk into view she lowered her weapon. He looked irritated. She heard him utter something about how he was going to _‘charge the motherfucker a late fee’_. It was a hilarious concept to Emily: a low-life who cared about punctuality.

Peter reached into his pocket for his cell phone, and that’s when everything went to hell.

There were three rapid bangs in succession. A bullet went clean through Peter’s side and into the crates where Emily was hiding. It whizzed by her ear and she stumbled backwards and hit the floor with a loud crash.

Peter dived behind a pillar, obstructing part of his body. She heard him calling an ambulance from his phone, but she didn’t register anything he was saying.

Her head felt hot, but her body felt cold. She could hear the screams of her squad. She tried to cover her ears, but it didn’t do anything. Her entire body started to tremble. She curled up into a ball as the memories of her combat days flashed through her mind. She closed her eyes and started breathing rapidly. She felt herself careening back into the restaurant, hearing the sound of the gunfire and watching her dad fall to the floor.

She clutched her gun as she tried to push her panic away. She pictured Alison’s face. The blonde was her focal point. She counted to three. Fuck counting to ten. She didn’t have the time.

After a few seconds she managed to flip over on to her stomach. She crawled towards the edge of the crates to get a look at her surroundings.

She looked around for where the shots had been fired from, aiming her gun, waiting for any kind of movement. It was second nature to her. She didn’t even have to think about it.

She knew it was probably him. She knew he’d probably set a trap for her. She wasn’t getting out alive, and she knew it. But she was ready to take him down and go down with him.

She heard Peter groaning, and she reacted just like she would have back in an active firefight. She crouched under the cover of the crates and moved closer to him. She wasn’t sure what the hell was going on. She could see him lying behind a shelf, but he was still partially exposed. She could see that he was hit in the stomach and back. And despite how horrid he’d been to her, all Emily could think about was his little girl. She had once _been_ that little girl. And she knew she couldn’t leave him.

She took several deep breaths and then moved out of the cover, leaving herself open and vulnerable. She grabbed Peter’s arms and dragged him behind the full cover of the crates, giving them both shelter.

He moaned in pain and opened his eyes.

“I should have known it was you.” He gripped the hole in his stomach. “Come to finish me off?”

“I didn’t fucking shoot you.” Emily kneeled next to him. “Don’t get me wrong. I _wanted_ to. But I didn’t pull the trigger.”

She pulled off her jacket and wrapped it around her hand, shoving it against his wound. His eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his skull.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he groaned, blood spilling from his mouth.

“I’m trying to save your life, so shut the fuck up.”

He couldn’t believe that she was trying to save his life. He had basically gift-wrapped her for someone who wanted to see her dead. He had set a monster loose on her.

“You still got that military blood coursing through you, don’t you, Fields?”

Emily felt her muscles tense.

“You know me?”

“Not formally. Name’s Pete. I know _of_ you. Through him. Recognized you at the bar. He had a few old photos of you he used to show at poker night.” He let out a grunt of pain when he felt Emily push down on his wound roughly.

“You sold me out? To _him_?”

That’s why Caleb found that photo of her at the dance club in their text exchange. He really had been there that night.

She felt like punching Peter in the face. She knew he was a piece of shit. She knew he was twisted. She knew that he was doing illegal things. But to realize that he’d ratted her out to someone who had tortured her for years…someone who had killed a child…he was the lowest of the low.

“Where is he?”

“Dunno.”

“Did you know I was going to be here? Did you set me up?” Emily purposefully pushed against the wound on his stomach.

“Christ, ease up. No.”

“Did he know?”

“This was just business.”

“Yeah, that business worked out so well for you. He pumped you full of led…”

“Come on, you know better.” Peter scoffed. “This wasn’t him. It’s not his style. He likes to get up close and personal.”

The words made Emily shudder. Because it was true.

“Then who the hell did this?” She looked around.

The warehouse was quiet. Whoever had fired the weapon was either waiting on another clean shot, or they had slipped out during the chaos.

“It wasn’t supposed to go down like this, kid. Guess it’s kind of poetic in a way. If you had just killed me when you came for your gun none of this would be happening.” He coughed, sending blood splatter all over the place. “How did you even find out I was meeting him here?”

“You’re not the only one with friends in this town.”

She’d known about the meeting. She didn’t know that Peter had known who she was, or that he’d been in contact with her stepfather about her. It was almost enough for her to walk away and let him bleed to death. But then he said something that reminded her of why she hadn’t killed him in the first place.

“My…my daughter. She’s in the car. If anything happens to her…”

“You brought your _daughter_?” She was disgusted. “Jesus.”

“Sitters aren’t always reliable.”

“When you’re meeting a fucking psychopath you spring for the sitter.” Emily snapped.

“You’re seriously questioning my parenting skills right now?”

“They’re shitty. So yes.”

“This hurts like a motherfucking bitch.” He grit his teeth.

“You really don’t think this was him?” Emily asked.

“If he wanted me dead I’d be dead.” He glanced down at the blood covering his shirt. “Though it looks like I’m heading that way anyway.” He leaned his head back. His eyes started to droop closed.

“Stay awake.”

“Fucking…shit,” he muttered, his eyes still closed.

“Don’t make me hit you.” She’d take a lot of pleasure in rearranging his face.

“Stay with my daughter. Cops scare her.”

_Cops scare me, too._ Emily could relate.

She knew they couldn’t be far. Peter had managed to get his call into emergency services right after he’d been shot. She just had to hope that they got there before he died.

She tried to keep him alert and conscious. She heard the sirens in the distance. And she knew that whoever had fired those shots was long gone, because there was no way they would risk being there when the cops got there.

She felt like bolting, too. Because she knew how it was going to look. She had a gun on her and there was a man bleeding out from multiple gunshot wounds. She already knew exactly what she had to do. It didn’t take long for her to form the story in her head.

She could easily lie with a stone cold expression on her face. She’d learned that in endurance training for the army. They’d trained her never to give up when she was being questioned. At the very least, the cops’ questioning wouldn’t involve torture.

The police were the first to arrive. They came running in, guns drawn. They were shouting commands. Emily calmly and concisely guided them to where they were. She kept her hands against Peter’s injuries.

“Hands where we can see them!” One of the officers shouted.

“I can’t. I can’t take pressure off of his injuries. He’s got three gunshot wounds. One through and through.”

“We’ll provide the medical assistance, ma’am. Just take a step back and put your hands where we can see them.”

_Fuck you and your ‘ma’am’ shit. I’m more man than you could ever pretend to be. _

When she saw a man in a police uniform all she could see was the man who had abused her, and it brought out the worst in her.

“I’m retired military,” she said. “I have a service weapon in a holster on my right hip. I’m giving you permission to disarm me.”

One of the officers slowly walked forward, gun still drawn on her. Emily didn’t move. She knew moving meant the difference between life and death. The cop bent down and found the holster. He slipped the gun away from her. He checked the ammo.

“Full magazine.” He glanced at his partner. He turned back to Emily. “Do you have any more weapons?”

“No, sir. I just bring one with me when I go jogging.”

“Step away from the injured party.” The officer was a little more relaxed now that he could see that Emily wasn’t going to cause any problems.

Emily slowly lifted her hands. Peter’s blood dripped backwards down her fingers and through her knuckles, creating several streams of the substance oozing down her arm. She noticed that one of the blood trails followed the same pattern as one of her suicide scars.

She saw one of the officers staring at the scars. She could see a look of empathy in his eyes. It annoyed her. She hated it when people looked at her like that. She felt like lowering her arms, but she knew if she moved she’d get shot.

Emily took a step back and let the officer tend to Peter’s injuries. Another officer escorted Emily a few feet away and immediately started the questioning.

“Mind telling me what happened here?” He asked. He still had an itchy trigger finger. She could see him squeezing his holstered weapon.

“I jog out this way some evenings. My brother and I used to come here when we were little.” There was no way they could fact check that since her living relatives were dead. “I was finishing up my run and I heard a noise in here. Thought it might be someone in trouble. I had an uncle who worked in a warehouse like this and a bunch of crates collapsed on him once. I was just trying to make sure that no one was hurt. I heard the gunshots and hid out behind the stacks over there. I saw him get shot and then saw him drag himself away from the gunfire. I got him back here and started applying first aid.”

Peter was coherent enough to verify her story.

“Saved…she saved…” He mumbled as they worked on stopping the bleeding.

“Did you see who fired the shots?” The officer asked.

“No.”

“Did you at any point discharge your weapon?”

“No, sir. I learned never to discharge unless I can see the enemy. And I didn’t see anyone. I know you have to follow protocol here, so I encourage you to check me and my clothes for gunpowder residue. I have nothing to hide.”

The officer nodded. He seemed satisfied with that.

“Do you two know each other?”

“No.” She knew when Peter recounted the story he wouldn’t tell the officers about their previous run-ins, because he was a criminal and criminals didn’t tell the full truth.

“And what did you say your name was?”

Emily froze. She didn’t want anyone in the department to go digging into her past and find _him_. She panicked and blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“Emily DiLaurentis. Taking my fiancee’s last name.”

He scribbled her answer down.

“And a phone number where you can be reached?”

_Shit_. Her phone was still off. There was no telling whether or not Alison had tried to call.

She rattled her number off to him. He jotted it down in his notepad. He glanced up from over his pen and looked at Emily’s arms again.

“Must have been pretty bad for you overseas.”

“It’s bad everywhere.” Emily looked around at the bloody scene.

“I hear you. I did two tours. Then I came home to this. Hits harder when it happens on your home turf.” He tapped the pen against his pad. “I get why you came running. Hard not to run towards it, isn’t it?” He lowered the pad and pen. “When did you get back?”

“It’s been about six months.”

“I’m going to guess those aren’t battle scars.” He motioned to the scar on her right wrist.

“All of my scars are battle scars. Just from different battles.”

He didn’t push her for anything else. They watched as the paramedics loaded Peter on to a stretcher.

“Daddy?” They heard a scared little voice behind them.

All the sirens and flashing lights had drawn his daughter towards the chaos.

“Hey there.” The cop approached her. The little girl whimpered and shuffled backwards. “Whoa, it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you.”

The girl took another step back. She looked like she was ready to run.

_“Cops scare her.”_

Emily didn’t want her more traumatized than she already was. And she didn’t want her running through the streets scared and alone when there was a psycho with a gun on the loose.

“Um…Officer?” Emily asked. “You mind if I give it a try? Maybe she’ll respond better to a woman. Our mothering instincts, you know…”

She felt a pang of pain realizing that she’d probably never be a mother. Sometimes she’d look at Ellie when she was sleeping and just fall in love with the idea of having a child of her own.

“The uniform can be intimidating.” The cop agreed.

“Hey, sweetheart. What’s your name?” Emily made eye contact with her.

“Samara.” She looked up at Emily with the saddest little expression on her face that Emily had ever seen. “Is my daddy going to be okay?”

“They’re taking really good care of him.” Emily slowly took a step towards Samara.

She didn’t back away. Emily took another step. Then another. She leaned down in front of her.

“Hi.” Emily smiled.

“What’s your name?” Samara asked.

“I’m Emily.”

“Are you and my daddy friends? He has a lot of friends.”

“I bet he does.”

“Where is your mommy, honey?” The cop asked from behind Emily, still keeping his distance.

Emily thought about the conversation between Peter and his sister.

_“Since the rugrat’s mom died I’m all she’s got.”_

Emily saw the sadness in Samara’s eyes and she felt like decking the cop for bringing it up. Then again, he had no way of knowing that her mother was dead.

“She’s in Heaven.” There were tears in her eyes.

“Want to know a secret?” Emily asked.

Samara nodded.

“So is mine.” Emily tried to make her feel better.

“She is?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you miss her?”

“Every day.”

“Me too.”

Emily had established a rapport with her, which was more than the cop had been able to do. She glanced back at him. He looked like he was getting impatient.

“Samara, who do you stay with when you’re not with your daddy?” Emily asked, though she already knew the answer.

“My auntie.”

“Do you know your auntie’s phone number?”

“No,” she said sadly. “But my daddy gave me my phone for emergencies.” She reached into her little pink backpack and pulled her phone out. “He said my auntie and my gram are in it and if I’m ever in trouble I should find a grown up I trust to call them.”

She looked at Emily and then at the cop. She handed the phone to Emily.

“I want to go with my daddy.” Samara whimpered when she saw the ambulance pulling away.

Emily saw herself in Samara. She knew what it was like to be that terrified little girl.

“Have you ever gotten to ride in a real police car?” The cop questioned. “I’ll let you play with the lights,” he said with a soft smile.

Samara grabbed Emily’s hand.

“Can you come with me?”

Emily didn’t mind. She knew they’d have to question her, so she glanced at the officer for permission.

“We’ll all go together,” he said.

Samara held Emily’s hand with a tight grip as they walked out of the warehouse towards the awaiting vehicle.

When they walked out into the light of the setting sun a pair of eyes watching from an adjacent lot fell upon them. He’d gotten there just as the shots had gone off. He’d been watching the scene unfold. When he peered through his binoculars he nearly dropped them in surprise. He kept them trained on the young woman holding the little girl’s hand.

“I’ll be a son of a bitch…” He chewed on his cigarette.

He laughed gruffly. He hadn’t seen Emily since that night in the club. He’d assumed she’d skipped town the second she saw him there. He never thought he’d see her again. He’d attacked her little gay friend in the hopes that it would draw her out of hiding, but some blonde had showed up at the hospital for the boy instead. He hadn’t waited long enough that day. They had been minutes from crossing paths, but he’d left before she showed.

But he’d found her again. And this time he wasn’t letting her get away. He had plans for her. He knew he couldn’t do anything right away. Not with the cops being so close to her. He’d gotten away with murder once. He wasn’t sure he could do it again, especially not if the police discovered his link to her. He certainly couldn’t kill her now that she was a witness to whatever the fuck had happened to Peter.

He started up his car and waited for the officer escorting them to the hospital to pull away from the crime scene. He kept his distance as he followed them to the hospital.

He watched them go inside. He saw through the big open doors as the little girl broke away from Emily and ran into Peter’s sister’s arms. The cop who had driven them there was talking to the woman. Emily moved away from the open windows, out of view.

“Come on, you little shit,” he muttered. “Where are you?”

He pulled his car off to the side of the building and grabbed a baseball cap from his back seat. He walked in the side entrance and weaved through the hallways until he got to the ER.

Emily was talking to the officer who had driven her and the little girl to the hospital. The cop had taken samples to see if she had any gunpowder residue on her. The results eased his mind about her. He gave her back her weapon and told her they would be contacting her with further questions.

Emily didn’t realize how much she was shaking until she sat down in a waiting room chair. The sound of the bullets. The feel of Peter’s hot blood against her hands. It was taking her back to every firefight she’d ever been in. And to know how close she’d been to getting vengeance for her sister and brother…and it had slipped through her fingers. It pissed her off. She had no idea he was right around the corner.

She felt her phone poking her from her pocket. She’d been so amped up that she had completely forgotten to turn it back on. When she powered it up she found several text messages and voicemails, all from Alison, increasing in worry. Alison had gotten Aria’s message and Emily’s calls and she was freaking out.

“Shit.”

She hit the speed dial. Alison picked up almost immediately.

“Emily? Thank God.”

“Hey.” Emily spoke calmly into the phone. “I need you to meet me at the county hospital. I…”

“Oh my God. What happened? Are you okay?”

Alison’s panic swiftly reminded Emily that Alison didn’t have the context of the situation.

_Fuck. I’m an idiot._

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have led with that. I’m fine. I’m not here for me. It’s a long story.”

“I’m on my way.” Alison didn’t ask questions.

The anger that had swept her away that morning was overshadowed by her concern. She had been stewing all day, and she had a lot she wanted to say to Emily. But she buried her anger and frustration so she could be there for Emily. Because that’s what they did.

That’s how they worked. Emily tried to protect her. And she tried to protect Emily. She knew that they were going to have to have a conversation about their communication, but the only thing that mattered to her in the moment was making sure that her girlfriend was okay.

**o ~ O ~ o**

Alison texted her when she pulled into the parking lot. Emily walked over to the double doors to meet her. Alison ran into Emily’s waiting arms.

The man in the shadows watched. So _that’s_ who that woman was. Had Emily found herself a little pussy? Well, he could fix that.

Alison looked at the blood on her clothes.

“You scared the hell out of me with that call.” Alison gently cupped her cheeks. She kissed her and then glared at her. “I’m still pissed at you. But I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“I didn’t mean to freak you out. I came by your office earlier to talk to you about this morning…”

“Forget this morning.” She glanced at the stains on Emily’s shirt. It made her feel uneasy, because all she could think about was the day she’d been in the ER covered in Emily’s blood. “What happened?”

“Not here, okay?” Emily looked around.

They walked out. Emily didn’t say much until they got into the car.

“Whose blood is that?” Alison shut the door.

Emily reached for her phone. Without saying a word, she pulled up the picture that Caleb had sent her earlier. She handed it to Alison.

“It’s him.” She didn’t have to explain who she meant, because Alison could tell by her tone.

She reached out and touched Emily’s hand.

Jason’s message suddenly made sense to Alison. He’d said something about how his friend had found Emily’s stepfather. Had she gone out to confront him? Had she been there when Jason’s friend caught up with him?

“Is he dead?” Alison glared angrily at the image of the man who had hurt her precious warrior.

“He never showed. The gunfire probably sent him packing.”

Alison’s head snapped up. A numbing sensation shot through her muscles.

“What?”

“He was supposed to be meeting with some guy out at the docks. But before he showed someone took a bunch of potshots at the guy. That’s whose blood this is.”

Jason’s friend had fucked up.

_That moron shot the wrong guy?_

Or had Emily’s stepfather shot him? Had those bullets been meant for her? Why had she gone out there alone? Why hadn’t she told her? Had that been what all her missed calls were about?

“Is he going to be okay?” Alison asked.

“I don’t know. But if he dies the cops are going to be all over me.”

“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But I was there. And they won’t let that go. They’ll use me until they find the person who did it or they’ll pin it on me. And when the cops look in to me…it’ll be open season on my head for the fucker to come after me.”

If Jason’s friend had been the one who screwed up, it would be Emily who paid for it. Even though Emily was innocent, Alison knew that the cops prying into her life would really unsettle her.

“Did you see anything?” Alison asked.

“Only the bullets whizzing by my head. Just like old times.”

“Fuck, Em. What were you doing there alone?”

“What, are you going to interrogate me now, too?” Emily scoffed.

“Don’t you snap at me, Emily Fields. I’m just trying to get a clear picture.”

“I still don’t really have the clear picture. It happened so fast. The cops don’t know anything about why I was there. I told them I was jogging…”

“Well, if you need someone to back you up on that…”

“No. I’m not going to have you perjure yourself for me. Just stick with the truth. You didn’t know I was out there.”

“What else did you tell them? Anything important?”

_Emily DiLaurentis._

She rubbed the back of her neck. She could feel it heating up as the blood rushed to her cheeks.

“I kind of told them my last name was DiLaurentis.”

Alison turned to look at her with a smile on her face. It was really hot to picture Emily with a ring on her finger.

“Oh. Is that something that you’re…um…interested in?”

“I didn’t want them to have my real name in case he still monitors the cases.” She smiled at Alison. “But I don’t _hate_ the idea.”

She took Alison’s hand. Alison kept one hand on the wheel. She glanced at Emily.

“Are you okay?” It couldn’t have been easy for Emily to be around violence and carnage again.

“I’ve been through worse.” Emily shrugged it off.

But Alison could tell she was visibly shaken by it.

“I thought we were past this.” Alison huffed. “Don’t push me away. Did you not hear anything I said to you this morning?”

“I’m not pushing you away, Alison. I just haven’t processed any of this yet.”

Alison didn’t pressure her on it any further.

When they got back to the house Emily went to hide her brother’s gun. She texted Caleb to let him know things had not gone according to plan and she asked him to see if he could find another lead.

_“Come by my place and we’ll talk.” _

Emily went to take a shower. She played out the evening with Alison as normally as possible. They had a quiet dinner, and since the weather was warm enough they went for a quick swim. Emily knew that it would relax Alison enough to fall into a really nice deep sleep when they went to bed.

She waited until Alison was out cold and then she crept out of bed. She’d purposely worn a dark pair of sweatpants to bed. She went to grab the matching sweatshirt. She pulled Ethan’s gun out of the dresser.

“What else are you hiding from me?”

She nearly dropped the gun when she turned around and saw Alison standing in the doorway. Emily put the weapon down on the dresser.

“I promise this is not what it looks like.”

“Really? Because it looks like you brought a gun into this house without telling me after I explicitly told you not to. That was one of the very first things we ever talked about.”

The anger that Alison had suppressed earlier was back with a vengeance. Emily knew how she felt about having guns in the house.

“I had it on me today. After everything that happened I just…”

“I don’t want to hear your excuses, Emily.” Her voice came out more tired than angry. “I’m trying with you, but I…”

“Just let me explain.”

“Why? So you can just make up some bullshit story that I’ll buy because I’m a fucking idiot?” _Spencer was right. I’m blind because I love her so much. I couldn’t even see what was happening right in front of me…_

“Hey, you’re not.” Emily moved over to close the distance between them. “I have never lied to you. Not about this. I swear. My guns have _always_ been at the motel. But when I found out he was here…that he was _that_ close to us…to _you_…”

“So, that’s where you were going? To get yourself caught up in another shoot out? Because I’ve got to tell you, I am really sick of watching you die.”

“That’s not…” Emily shook her head in frustration. “I was just going to go talk to a friend about my next move…”

“There _is_ no next move here.” Alison put her foot down. “You don’t get to go out and play gunslinger anymore. You watched a man get shot today. _You_ could have been shot today.”

“That used to be a normal Tuesday afternoon for me.” Emily regretted it the second she said it. She saw Alison’s face redden in anger. “Sorry. That…” She grumbled. “I’m just frustrated. I was so close. I was so close to ending this.”

“Emily, this is serious. The police are involved. What do you think is going to happen if they catch you snooping around in the shadows with a gun?”

Emily understood why Alison was so upset. But she had her own pain she was still trying to manage. Emily closed her eyes and sighed. She opened them back up, feeling the sting of tears prickling against her eyelids. She ran her fingers through her hair.

“It’s never going to stop until I do something about it. The pain is never going to go away as long as he’s still alive.”

Alison sighed. She wanted the bastard dead, too. But not at the expense of Emily’s life. She wanted to tell her about Jason’s friend. But she knew that if she fessed up it would only motivate Emily to get to him first. And it would undoubtedly get her killed.

“Killing him isn’t going to get rid of the pain. It’s still going to be there.”

Alison was right. Emily knew she was right. But that didn’t change the fact that he was still out there. Much like her pain, he lurked in the darkness, waiting for her to be at her most vulnerable before attacking. She couldn’t do anything about her inner demons. But she _could_ do something about him.

“I can’t do anything about my pain. I know that. But I can’t rest until it’s over. Not until you’re safe. I’m trying to protect you.” She reached out to her.

Alison felt something inside of her snapping. All her life people had been trying to “protect” her. They rarely gave her a choice in the matter. They just all assumed they knew what was best for her.

“I don’t need your fucking protection.” She gripped Emily’s wrists tightly before throwing them back and shoving her roughly against the wall. Emily was stunned at the motion. “I’m sick of everyone treating me like I can’t take care of myself. My parents. My brother. Spencer. Cece. _You_…”

“I’m not saying that…” Emily reached for her again.

“Don’t!” Alison screamed through her tears.

Her emotions were consuming her. She felt betrayed. She felt lied to. She felt used. She felt afraid…afraid for Emily.

Alison threw her fists against Emily’s chest and started beating wildly. Emily grabbed her wrists and tried to settle her.

“Alison…”

Alison ripped one of her hands away from Emily. She pulled her hand back and whipped her palm towards Emily’s face, making contact with her cheek. Emily barely felt it because her adrenaline was running so high. She let Alison use her as a punching bag. She knew how it felt to be on the other end of heightened emotions. She understood.

“Fuck you, Emily.” Alison sobbed.

Emily grabbed her wrists again, squeezing tightly as she pulled Alison’s entire body into her embrace. Emily held her, her own body trembling.

“You don’t know how lucky you are that you’re still alive.” Alison’s body shook as she cried. “You almost died. In my arms. You were dead. I don’t want you to die. You can’t die.”

Emily had been waiting for Alison to lose it for quite some time. The blonde had held it together remarkably well since the night she’d found her in a pile of blood. But she knew that there was a pain lurking beneath the surface.

Emily had been able to sense the pending explosion that morning. Alison had been the rock for so long. Emily knew she had to get it out. She cradled the back of her head as tears of frustration streamed down Alison’s cheeks.

Alison pulled away again and was getting ready to start screaming again. But the second she raised her hands, Emily moved forward and slid her palm against Alison’s cheek. She moved so close to her that their noses were just inches away.

Alison’s eyes widened in surprise. She saw something in Emily’s expression. She looked into Emily’s soul. Emily was letting her in. She held her gaze, showing Alison every vulnerable cell in her body.

It was Alison who initiated the kiss. She pushed into it so violently that Emily’s back hit the wall with a loud thunk.

“You’re not going anywhere.” Alison breathed heavily against her mouth, gripping the collar of her shirt, pulling her close.

“Okay.” Emily let her take control.

She could tell that Alison needed this. She could tell that she needed to seize control before she wildly spun out.

Neither one of them made the conscious movement towards the bed. It was a spontaneous subconscious motion. They moved across the room, their lips crashing together, the sounds of their grunts and breaths filling the air. Their hands were wandering across each other’s curves. Emily ripped Alison’s gown off over her head, leaving her completely nude.

Alison gripped the bottom of Emily’s sweatshirt and pulled it up over her face. Emily had changed out of her sports bra, leaving her breasts exposed. Alison licked her lips and gripped the drawstring of her sweatpants.

She tugged on the elastic band, testing to see how Emily would react. She didn’t resist, so Alison took it a step further, slipping her fingers inside her boxer briefs. She maintained eye contact with the brunette as she moved her hand down, leaving it against the front of her pelvis.

Emily bit her lip, driving Alison wild. She’d never seen her this exposed before. She pulled her hand out of Emily’s pants and tugged them down around her ankles, her underpants falling with them.

Alison felt a hot passion surging through her. She caressed Emily’s abs and kissed the side of her neck, stopping occasionally to nip at her skin. She felt Emily shudder when she reached the sensitive flesh of her chest.

“Are you okay?” Alison asked.

“Yeah.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah.”

Alison peered at her. It was the first time Emily had ever let her have an ounce of dominance. It was erotic and enthralling, but at the same time, it was terrifying.

“You are so beautiful.” Alison stared at her perfectly proportional chest. She’d seen her breasts before, but this time felt so different. Before she went any further she took a moment to gently cup her jaw with her palms. “I want you to understand what I see when I look at you, Em.”

She moved in for a more sensual kiss. It was less demanding. She pushed Emily towards the mattress and Emily fell backwards, gently pulling Alison with her.

Alison crawled on top of her, her breasts moving directly in front of her face. Emily couldn’t resist reaching out to kiss them. Alison leaned in to it. She threw her head back and sighed when she felt Emily’s tongue against her.

She felt Emily’s hand gently gripping her cheek and she glanced down at her. She put her hand on top of Emily’s hand and slowly pulled it towards her mouth. She slipped Emily’s index finger in between her lips and started to suck on it. The hot flesh of her mouth sent a direct spark of heat in between Emily’s legs.

Alison opened her mouth wider and pulled her middle finger in, her teeth grazing Emily’s skin, her tongue swirling around it, sucking gently. Emily watched with lust in her eyes.

Alison pulled Emily’s fingers out of her mouth and kissed her palm with a sweet smile on her face. The way she alternated between sweet and sultry was making Emily burn with desire.

Alison pressed her lips against the bottom of the scar on her right wrist and slowly kissed her way up, leaving no inch of her skin untouched.

Alison moved her thigh against Emily’s center, eliciting a gasp from the brunette. The sensation was like nothing she’d ever felt before. Because she’d never _let_ herself feel before. She moved with Alison’s motions, their bodies connecting in ways that Emily had been closed off to for years. She felt her hips buck into Alison.

“Can we try?” Alison laid her hand against Emily’s thigh.

She wanted more than anything to make Emily feel as good as Emily made her feel. She wanted to feel Emily around her fingers…to taste her.

Emily felt a twinge of panic in her chest. She had never let anyone inside of her. She’d always been the giver in sex. She had been spicy in a lot of ways. She kept it hot with her fuck-buddies. Toys. Strap-ons. And the magic of her mouth. But she had never let anyone touch her. She’d rarely even been able to please herself without remembering the pain of what he’d done to her.

Alison could sense her anticipation.

“It’s okay if you don’t want…”

Before she could finish her thought, Emily put her hand on top of Alison’s, holding it between her legs. She leaned up to kiss her.

“I want to.” Emily pushed her forehead against Alison’s.

Their noses brushed together as Alison pushed down to capture another kiss. She held the embrace for a few seconds before she slowly started peppering kisses down Emily’s jaw. She kissed her neck, which sent chills through Emily’s body. She slowly moved down to her chest, glancing at Emily to make sure she was still okay.

“I’ll go slow.” Alison kissed the divot in her chest, right next to where shrapnel was lodged underneath her skin. “Tell me to stop and I will, okay?”

Emily swallowed a knot in her throat and nodded.

Alison slowly moved her hand down in between Emily’s thighs. She was dripping wet, but Alison knew that it wasn’t just the physical aspect that Emily needed to be ready for her. She needed a delicate mental touch, an emotional connection. So she hovered above her, placing gentle kisses against her lips as she gently drew circles in between her legs.

Feeling the contact of Alison’s fingers against her core opened up doors to her past that she didn’t want open. Her chest started to heave when she felt Alison slide her fingers through her wet center, carefully testing it out by dipping the tip of her index finger inside.

Emily kissed Alison back, her lips crashing against the blonde’s with an intense passion as she tried to distract herself from the ball of tension in her stomach. Her tongue swirled against Alison’s as their mouths moved together in a delicate balance of control.

Alison put pressure against Emily’s tight bundle of nerves and moved her fingers against her entrance. Her eyes were focused on Emily’s as she ran her fingers through the slick moisture gathered there.

Emily felt her body getting heated. She wanted Alison more than anything, but her mind wouldn’t let her feel the joy of her love. Instead, she felt pain. It was strange the way her brain dissociated. She knew it was Alison, but her mind thought it was someone else.

When Alison pushed her fingers forward Emily recoiled and a broken strangled cry erupted from her chest.

“Stop.” She held her hands up, pushing against Alison’s shoulders. “Stop. I can’t.”

Alison immediately pulled her fingers back and put her hand against Emily’s hip. Emily’s chest was trembling as she tried to catch her breath. Alison rolled off of her. She put her palm on Emily’s face and the brunette flinched.

“It’s okay. We’re not going to do anything you’re not ready for.” Alison kissed her.

Emily saw so much adoration in her eyes. She had shifted from domineering to kind, from lust to love. Emily smiled at her and rubbed her thumb against Alison’s jaw. She leaned up to kiss her and then pulled back. She slipped her arm underneath Alison and pulled her close. She kissed her forehead.

“Can I just hold you?” Emily asked.

“Always.” Alison pulled the covers up, tucking them around the two of them.

The heat from their bodies burned through the thin sheets. Feeling Alison’s skin against hers was just what Emily needed. Alison leaned into her neck, gently pressing a kiss against her collar bone. Emily rested her chin against Alison’s head.

“Ali, I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize. I never want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

“Not for that. For everything I’ve put you through. I’m sorry I lied. It was just an instinct. It’s something I’ve had to do my whole life. It’s second nature, and sometimes I just can’t help it.”

“I know you’re trying.” Alison sighed. “I am, too. But we can’t keep backsliding. I love you. But sex can’t fix everything. We have to have honesty. And trust.”

“So, what do we do?”

“We keep trying.” Alison put her palm on top of Emily’s knuckles. She laced her fingers in between Emily’s fingers and squeezed her hand. “Can you promise me that?”

“Yeah.” She kissed the top of her head. “Yeah, I think I can.”

Emily wanted nothing more than to keep that promise. She wanted to protect Alison’s heart. She knew she’d damaged Alison in a lot of ways, and she wanted to fix it.

Alison made her crazy, but in the best way possible. She was crazy about her, and she felt the need to protect her. She didn’t know how to put it into words just how far she would go to keep her safe. Because Alison was all she had left.

Unfortunately, her love wasn’t a secret anymore. Because he’d seen everything outside the hospital. He’d seen the way that Emily had latched on to the blonde. He knew that the girl was Emily’s heart. And now he knew exactly how he could hurt her. He just had to wait for the right moment to do it.

* * *

**A/N: ** _We’re getting down to the wire. It’s hard to believe there are only a few chapters left. As always, your support has meant so much. Given that PLL fanfics seem to be a dying fandom I just wanted to thank everyone still here._


	16. Pressure Points

**Chapter 16:**

**Pressure Points**

Alison woke up at four that morning, hating the fact that her bladder existed. She very carefully pried herself away from Emily’s grasp and slid out of bed. She grabbed her silk robe and slipped it on.

She stared at the brunette’s silhouette, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the dim room. She stood there for a few seconds watching her. Emily was sleeping peacefully for the first night in weeks. She’d never seen her look so innocent…so vulnerable.

She quietly tiptoed into the bathroom. The toilet seat felt cold against her ass. It only accentuated the fact that Emily’s hot skin was no longer against hers. She quickly finished so she could get back in bed next to her and bathe in her warmth again.

As she walked out of the bathroom, an arm wrapped around her waist. Alison couldn’t help but smile. She hadn’t even been gone for two minutes and Emily hadn’t been able to live without her.

“You up for round two?” Alison smiled, gripping Emily’s hand, slowly moving it down her body.

Something felt wrong, and when she looked down she realized why.

It wasn’t Emily’s hand.

She jerked away. Another rough hand grabbed her arm and spun her around. And she knew. She’d only seen the grainy photo, but she _knew_ it was him. He slapped his hand over her mouth.

“If you make one sound I’ll work that pretty little body of hers right here while you watch and then I’ll slaughter the shit out of her. And it won’t be fast either. I’ll make it nice and slow. Painful, so she feels every second.”

Alison took a moment to appreciate the fact that she didn’t have any urine left in her body, because she’d be pissing herself otherwise.

Before she could react he dragged her out of the room. He pulled her down the hallway.

Alison felt a mixture of fear and rage. Because this was the psychopath who had hurt her girl. And fuck anyone who laid a finger on Emily. Her fear slowly started to dissipate and her rage started boiling over. She tightened her jaw and raised her hand, forming a fist. She had every intention of slugging the shit out of him, but he grabbed her arm before she could make contact.

He roughly shoved her against the wall and leaned close to her face. She could smell the whiskey on his breath, and _fuck_, no wonder it made Emily sick to her stomach. It was putrid. _He_ was putrid.

“Wrong move, Barbie.” He grabbed both of her wrists and slammed them against the wall, holding her in place.

Alison felt violated and humiliated and angry. She felt insecure and angry and upset. His body was pressing against hers. And she was terrified that their clothes weren’t going to remain a barrier for very long.

“Here’s what’s going to happen.” He aggressively grabbed her jaw with one hand and pressed his large bulky arm against her throat with his other. He really leaned into the pressure, making it hard for Alison to catch her breath. “You are going to do exactly what I tell you to do or I’ll punish you. And I won’t hurt _you_. I’ll hurt _her_. So be a good little girl or I’ll make it _much_ worse for her.”

So this was what Emily had meant when she’d told her it was worse to watch her brother, someone she loved, go through pain than to go through it herself. The thought of this disgusting piece of slime touching Emily made her feel like puking.

“If you so much as lay a finger on her I’ll…”

He moved his hand quickly, striking like a snake. His fist made contact with the side of her face, clipping her jaw.

Alison gasped and then blew out a surprised cry. It was strange. She wasn’t sure if it was shock or if she was so scared that she was numb, but she didn’t feel it.

“Don’t fucking test me. You’re going to do everything I say or I…”

He was interrupted when a fist landed a blow to his temple. Emily had heard Alison’s cry. And she’d come in swinging.

“Get your goddamn hands off of her.” Emily threw another punch.

He used his weight to hold Alison in place, but turned sideways and struck back at Emily.

“Em, run!” Alison cried frantically.

But instead of running, Emily doubled down on her attack. She retaliated hard, aggressively moving forward to physically grab him and pull him away from Alison. He dropped the blonde to the floor. Alison struggled to catch her breath.

“I _said_ don’t fucking touch her.” Emily growled as she threw her knuckles into his face.

“You never learned your lesson, huh?” He curled his lip up at her and grabbed her right arm with both of his hands.

Alison scrambled to her feet.

“Don’t hurt her!”

But it was too late. He held her arm firmly as he jerked his hands at an angle, snapping her bone in half. Emily screamed.

“Stop!” Alison had tears burning her eyes.

He punched Emily in the face and she stumbled back towards the stairs. Alison’s eyes widened in terror. She could see it happening in slow motion and she wasn’t nearly quick enough to stop it.

He threw another punch at Emily, hitting her so hard that she lost her balance. She slipped on the top step and went tumbling down the stairs.

“Emily!” Alison shrieked.

Alison heard a sickening thud at the bottom of the stairs, but before she could rush to her aid, he slammed her against the wall and knocked her to the ground. She didn’t stand a chance against him, and she knew it. He sat on top of her and wrapped his hands around her neck.

He slowly started to crush her windpipe. Alison had never known how painful being choked was. It was terrifying, because not only did it hurt like a motherfucker, but her brain was panicking because her body wasn’t getting the oxygen it needed.

“I warned you.” He aggressively rammed her head against the ground as he continued to squeeze her throat.

She swatted at him, barely making a dent in his attack. She felt her limbs starting to go numb. She weakly tried to lift her arms and scratch at his face, but all he did was laugh at her.

“She’s mine now.” He grinned at her.

Alison could feel the lack of oxygen shutting down her brain. She fought to stay awake, but everything around her started to fade. She rolled her head to the side, trying to get a look at Emily one last time through the railing.

_Wake up, Em. Please. Run. Get out of here. Get away from him and never look back…_

It was her last thought before her vision went black. There was a strange sensation of isolation when she was in the dark. She was suspended in time. She felt like she was trapped inside of her mind and she couldn’t get out.

The air around her started to get thinner. And she couldn’t breathe. She felt herself fading.

She woke up clawing at her neck. But she wasn’t in the hallway anymore. She’d been dragged into her bedroom.

She was naked and uncovered. She should have been freezing, but her body felt hot. She jolted upright and gasped for breath. Seconds later she felt a cold wet nose against her arm. She looked over and saw Lupo next to her. For a second it didn’t register that she had a dog. She felt disoriented.

She reached around her dog, hoping that he’d crawled in between her and Emily while they were asleep. But Emily wasn’t there.

Alison stared at the empty mattress. Emily was gone.

Alison scrambled, reaching for her phone to call the police. She’d dialed the number and was getting ready to hit send when she heard a noise. There was water running in her bathroom.

Seconds later, Emily walked into the room. She was in her bra and underwear, rubbing her eyes. She yawned.

“Everything okay?” Emily walked over towards the bed.

“You’re here.” Alison put the phone down, trying to let her nerves settle down.

“Of course I’m here. I’m a bitch, but I don’t just fuck and leave.” Emily shrugged. “Well, except that first time…”

She climbed in bed next to Alison. She could see the sweat dripping down her body.

“Did you have a hot dream about me?” Emily lifted her brows in a sultry manner.

She saw the look on Alison’s face and could immediately tell that wasn’t it. She wrapped her arms around the petite blonde. The heat of her body matched how hot Alison felt. And she suddenly realized that’s why she hadn’t been cold when she woke up. Emily had been holding her. Her body heat had kept her warm.

“What happened?” Emily asked.

Alison swallowed a lump in her throat and made a strange strangled noise.

A nightmare. It had been a fucking nightmare. It made sense to her now. Lupo was nowhere to be found when they were being attacked. And Emily hadn’t gone straight for her gun, which is exactly what she would have done had he really broken in and threatened Alison. She would have shot him at point blank range without batting an eye.

“Ali?” Emily rubbed her thumb against the blonde’s jaw.

She’d seen his face in that photo. She knew what he looked like now. And it was terrifying.

“It was him.”

It was something that cut Emily to her core. The last thing she wanted was for him to haunt Alison’s dreams, too.

“What?”

“He tried to…he was going to take you. He was going to hurt you.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Emily pulled Alison into her arms, kissing her forehead. “I’m right here.”

“Is this how _you_ feel?” Alison couldn’t stop shaking. “God, how do you deal with it?”

Emily rubbed her arm and kissed her head again.

“I have you. And you have me. We’ll get through this together.”

Alison knew that she meant it. Emily would die before she let something happen to Alison because of her. And that’s what Alison was afraid of.

“Do you think he knows about us…where we are?” Alison asked quietly.

It’s something Emily asked herself every day. It’s what had been driving her to want to leave when she’d first gotten to Alison’s house. She still had that same drive…to leave to protect Alison. But she couldn’t see any world in which she could ever leave her now.

If he _did_ know about Alison he would find a way to use that to his advantage. He’d hurt her. He always hurt those most dear to her. It’s why she had been constantly looking over her shoulder. She stayed under the radar as best she could.

“Do you think we’re safe here?”

“You’re always safe with me, Ali.” Emily squeezed her tightly. “I won’t let him hurt us.”

Alison smiled and nuzzled against her. She cherished little moments like this, moments when Emily opened herself up to the idea of their love…when she held her with such care and compassion.

“Besides, you really think he could get to us here? Lupo would eat him.” She looked over at the oblivious mutt, who was snoring against the sheets.

Alison smiled, kissing her neck.

“He’s too busy chasing his stupid squirrels.”

“One day he’ll catch up with one and it will kick his ass and he won’t know what to do.” Emily laughed.

Alison shifted into her warm embrace and sighed. It terrified her to know how close she’d come to losing her, _again_.

“You could have been killed out at that warehouse, Em. I don’t want you to keep putting yourself in the line of fire like that.”

“I was careful. I promise you that. The only one who was in danger is the man who is lying in a hospital bed right now.”

She actually had no clue whether or not Peter had survived, but she was hoping that he had…for Samara’s sake.

Alison cringed, knowing that the reason that man was in the hospital bed was because she’d asked her brother for help. It could have been Emily that had taken those bullets.

“You can’t know that.” She shuddered.

Emily felt her shaking. She kissed her head.

“I know you’re worried. I do. But I’ve spent my whole life running from this. I can’t run from it anymore. I have to face this. I have to face _him_.” She glanced at Alison. “Besides, what are we going to do? Never go out again?”

“Is that an option?” Alison asked curiously, lifting her head and meeting Emily’s gaze.

She looked so fucking beautiful and Emily couldn’t stand it.

“I’m fine with never leaving this room again.” Emily leaned forward to kiss her.

She reached up and caressed Alison’s cheek with one hand and laid her palm against Alison’s left breast with her other.

“We could find things to do to pass the time.” She lowered her lips and kissed Alison’s jaw as she thumbed her nipple.

“Oh, yeah?” Alison put her hand on top of Emily’s, guiding her motions against her chest. “Like what? Board games?”

“Mmm.” Emily smiled against her skin, kissing lower, dragging her tongue against Alison’s exposed neck. “Strip poker?”

“How is that going to work? I don’t have any clothes on.”

“Guess that means I win.” Emily slipped her fingers down Alison’s torso as she nibbled her ear.

“You’ve definitely got the winning hand.” She exhaled a shaky breath. _Winning fingers. Winning mouth. Winning everything…_

Emily laughed and looked at her. Alison bit her lip and her cheeks flushed. Emily loved seeing her when she was being bashful. She was usually so self-assured, so when she batted her eyes innocently and let her guard down it made Emily feel like she was warm inside.

“You haven’t seen anything yet.” Emily pressed her lips against Alison’s lips.

“Is that so?” Alison lifted her brows. “What else did you have in mind?”

“Truth or Dare.”

Alison pushed Emily’s hand closer to her pelvis. She kissed Emily, her tongue sweeping against Emily’s.

“I dare you to go lower.” Alison whispered, staring into her eyes.

Emily grinned seductively at her.

“Truth?” Emily pressed a kiss against Alison’s chest and then moved lower. “How does this feel?”

Alison didn’t know how to respond. She _couldn’t_ respond. Emily always left her speechless. All she knew was that Emily was helping her forget about her nightmare.

Over the course of the next several hours Emily made Alison forget about her nightmare over and over again. When they finished they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

They kept a low profile the next several days, not just to avoid the darkness in the shadows, but to dodge reporters seeking out Emily to try and get her story about what she’d witnessed out at the docks. Peter had a stroke while he was on the operating table and he was on a ventilator, so she was the only one who could give them the scoop. But Alison was protective of her. She didn’t intend to let the vultures get anywhere near her girl.

The media presence was a double-edged sword. It annoyed Alison, but it also left no room for Emily’s stepfather to get anywhere near her.

He watched from the shadows and cursed the world for being populated and cursed the media for being nosy little shits. And he cursed his stepdaughter for being too fucking smart for her own good. But he knew it wouldn’t last forever.

He was patient. He had waited years. He could wait out a little media circus. He knew where Alison lived. He knew where she worked. And if he knew Emily, she wouldn’t leave the girl unprotected. She’d had the same obstinacy when she was a child. She was stubborn. She never did what she was told. She’d been such a little brat. It’s why he’d constantly had to discipline her.

He rubbed at the scar on his face where his skin had been ripped open by a fire poker the night Emily and her brother had skipped town. His injuries actually had served him to his advantage. He’d told his buddies at the precinct that it had been a home invasion and that he’d been knocked out and when he woke up his older children were gone and his youngest was dead.

He’d threatened to kill Emily that night for her outburst. He planned on doing just that. He’d waited years. He’d gotten wind of the fact that Ethan and Emily left the country when they’d joined the army. He’d assumed she’d been killed overseas with her brother. It was a delight for him to find out that she hadn’t.

He wanted to see the life disappearing from her eyes. There was nothing more invigorating than watching the light fading from someone’s soul. Some people were trained to kill. Others were born to do it. It was his nature. It gave him a natural high like nothing else in life.

He was careful about keeping his distance. He knew that Emily would be paranoid after what happened at the warehouse. And to think…if he had actually showed up on time he might have seen her all alone…vulnerable. He could have gone after her. He could have killed her and dumped her in the water.

Then again, whoever had fired those shots could have taken aim at him instead. In fact, he had the sneaking suspicion that’s what was supposed to happen, especially given that Emily was there. It had probably been an ambush for him. But something had gone terribly wrong. And now Emily was exposed and ready to be plucked out of obscurity.

Not much brought Alison and Emily out of the house. When Alison went to work Emily went with her to help out with the hotline. She refused to leave the blonde alone out of fear that they were being watched.

Alison was starting to look over her shoulder, too. Because she had confirmed with Jason that his friend had lost Emily’s stepfather’s trail. She hadn’t told Emily about the whole sniper mix-up at the warehouse or about Jason’s involvement. Alison knew she’d made it more complicated. She also feared she’d made it more dangerous for Emily. So she told Jason to call it off.

They were both meticulous about not letting their guard down.

Neither of them assumed that going to a three-year-old’s birthday party would end up with them in mortal danger. They didn’t see the harm in sparkly tiaras and unicorn cupcakes. Aria’s daughter wanted to be a princess for her birthday, and Alison and Emily wanted to mark the occasion with her. She was just getting to an age where she was starting to retain information that she would undoubtedly remember later. And Emily knew how important it was for Alison to be there for her best friend and her daughter.

When Ellie found out that Alison was coming she begged her mom to let “Ali’s puppy” come too. So Lupo got to come along, wearing royal attire complete with a crown strapped to his head. He hated the crown.

They walked to Aria’s house, trying to get Lupo used to the outfit. He stopped at every corner to scratch at the fabric on his back.

“He looks like I feel when someone tries to put me in a dress.” Emily laughed at the dog.

“Ohh, you would look _really_ hot in a royal blue number.” Alison leaned against Emily, wrapping her arm around her waist. “I would _love_ taking it off of you.”

“You are the only person in the world I would wear a dress for.” Emily balanced a gift-wrapped box against her hip and moved her other hand around Alison’s back.

“Does that mean you’ll do it?”

“I don’t know. What will you give me in return?” Emily asked.

“How about me in _my_ birthday suit?”

“Sold to the lady with exquisitely fancy taste.” Emily kissed her temple.

They had felt more in sync with each other than ever. Emily felt like she might actually be able to settle down with her.

They walked up Aria’s driveway. They could hear the squeals of several children as they stomped around inside the house.

“You sure you’re up for this?” Alison asked.

“My squad would regularly get drunk and swat at pinatas and jump around while pretending the ground was hot lava. They were basically full-sized toddlers. I can handle it.”

Alison glanced at her hip, where she usually carried her weapon.

“Are you carrying?”

“To a child’s birthday party? No. Of course not. Too much could go wrong. I already have the death of one kid on my conscience…”

“What happened to your sister was _his_ fault, not yours.” Alison rubbed her arm. “Nothing you could have done could have stopped it.”

Emily didn’t feel that way. She thought if she could get free, at the very least Ellie stood a chance of getting away.

“In fact, you probably would have been killed, too.” Alison added.

Emily didn’t say what she was thinking…that he wouldn’t have killed her. Because he liked seeing her suffer. He liked keeping her around for his benefit. Alison saw the discomfort on Emily’s face.

“Em, I don’t know about this party…”

“I’m fine. This party will be good for me. What do you call it in psychology terms? Immersion therapy?”

“Chaos. It’s utter chaos.” Alison laughed.

They walked into the tiny war zone of children and were immediately bombarded because of the dog. Lupo took it in stride, rolling over almost immediately for belly rubs. Emily put Ellie’s gift down on the table where all the other gifts were. She glanced at the decorations. It looked like the color pink had vomited all over Aria’s house.

She admired the effort that Aria had put in for her daughter. It was something she would have done for her little sister if she’d had the money for it.

She reached out to adjust the bow on the gift they’d brought, but a loud echoing sound of a popping balloon filled the air.

The noise wasn’t as loud as a gunshot, but it was definitely reminiscent of having a pistol fired at her. Alison was next to her almost immediately making sure that she was okay. Emily reached for her hand automatically.

One of the kids started to cry and ran towards his mom. The room was quiet. Emily felt like everyone was staring at her. But just as soon as the chatter had stopped, the giggles and coos over the dog started back up again.

“That was really loud.” One of Ellie’s friends hugged Lupo. “I don’t think the puppy liked it.”

Lupo looked totally indifferent, which actually made Emily laugh. He’d been subdued by the children.

“I thought I heard the unmistakable excitement of toddlers fawning over a dog.” Aria’s husband Holden walked in carrying a tray of mini princess cupcakes and juice boxes.

Emily had only ever spoken to him once, but he was a very nice guy.

“Daddy, can I keep the puppy?” Ellie faced her dad.

Holden looked conflicted. Alison had told Emily that Holden wanted a dog almost as badly as Ellie wanted one, but Aria still needed some convincing.

“Ask your mommy.” Holden put the tray of treats down, which the kids ignored. They were too in love with Lupo to care about sugar.

Holden waved for Alison and Emily to follow him. The rest of the adults were in another room. Holden went back to the kids and let the women get together. Cece was chatting with Aria and several other women, whom Emily assumed to be the moms of the other children in the living room. Emily looked around at the other women. She felt overwhelmed. She knew she had nothing in common with them.

“You okay?” Alison asked quietly as she gently grasped her hand.

“I survived the balloon disaster. Now if I can only survive small talk.”

She didn’t like talking to strangers. But at least she recognized Cece.

“Where is Spencer?” Emily asked Alison curiously.

“She’ll probably make an appearance later. She loves Ellie. She just…”

“Despises children, and people, in general. Especially in a crowd.” Cece interrupted Alison, handing her a glass of sparkling cider. She gave one to Emily, too. She knew Emily had trouble with alcohol, so she’d been raiding the sparkling cider, waiting on Alison and Emily to walk through the door. “She’ll stop by later after it’s calmed down when all the little minions have crashed from their sugar highs.” Cece clinked her glass against Emily’s. “How have you been, Calamity Jane? Staying away from cliffs, outlaw?”

“No cliffs.” Emily smiled. “You still owe me an epic crime spree.”

“I’ll pencil it in between my fourteen needy patients and their ridiculous requests for medical treatment.”

Emily liked Cece. She knew that if anything ever happened to her the sassy outspoken blonde would look out for Alison. And that gave her peace of mind. In fact, all of Alison’s friends would be there in the event that she needed them.

Aria said something to the mom-squad that made them laugh and then she sauntered away. Her tension faded as she walked away from them. They could tell that hosting and catering to the moms was taking its toll on her. She looked like she needed a drink…or twelve.

“I don’t know what I was thinking.” She uttered, sipping on something that most certainly was _not_ sparkling cider. “The mommy brigade is terrifying. One of them keeps going on about gluten being poison that’s going to destroy our children. God help me if they find out that the cupcakes were made with that poison.”

“You’re doing fine, Aria. They think you’re one of them. Just keep at it.” Cece winked.

“Wait until they find out my kid is just a rental.” Aria looked at Alison and Emily. “Thank you so much for coming.”

“Full disclosure, our gift makes noise. It’s a ‘Speak and Say’.” Alison smiled.

“I’ll just take the batteries out. No harm, no foul.”

“Well, you certainly don’t need to worry about that with what _I_ got her.” Cece took a sip of her drink.

“Hospital cafeteria pudding does not constitute as a gift.” Aria laughed.

“You brought her pudding cups from the hospital?” Alison eyed Cece.

“Not all of us are lucky enough to get away from school debt free. Besides, kids _love_ pudding.”

“Pudding?” They heard an excited voice behind them.

They looked over and saw Ellie standing in the doorway.

“Pudding!” Ellie exclaimed. “Mama, can I have some?”

“Not right now, sweetie. We’re going to have cake in just a little while.”

“But I want pudding.” Ellie crossed her arms in front of her chest and stormed out. Aria scurried after her to try and head off a tantrum.

“See? She loves it.” Cece grinned.

Alison lifted a brow curiously.

“Oh, you can stop with the judgement. I got her a damn Barbie Jeep to ride around in, too. Cost more than my _real_ car payment.” Cece rolled her eyes.

As the party went on, Ellie got her pudding...and more. She devoured several mini cupcakes and a slice of cake, too. The adults played games with the kids. Emily had mad good aim when it came to “toss the magical ring on the unicorn horn”. Alison dominated in “pin the tail on the royal steed”. They danced to some of Ellie’s favorite music, shook maracas, and watched the little ones play in bounce house. They sang happy birthday and Ellie opened her presents. Everyone ate more sugar than they should have before running off to play with Ellie’s new toys.

“The kids all bailed on the bounce house for Ellie’s brand new car,” Aria said. “My toddler…going from infancy to sixteen overnight. I didn’t think I’d have to worry about her on the road for another thirteen years.”

Everyone looked at Cece.

“What? I got her a helmet.”

“It’s a great gift. She loves it. Her mother…less so.”

“I thought we agreed that we’re not going to be those parents who wrap our child in bubble wrap. That’s how you get neurotic adults.” Holden threw his arm around Aria. “Anyone else want to get in the bounce house for old time’s sake?”

Alison and Emily glanced at one another. They both had some ideas of what they could do in there, but they dared not do it in the presence of children. Alison was too loud for them to get away with it.

“Wish I could. But I’ve got to get back to the hospital. I’ve got another shift starting in an hour.” Cece glanced at her watch. “But this was a blast, Mama. I’m going to tap you to plan my 30th.”

“I’m on it. Pony rides and face-painting it is.”

“You know a stripper named Pony?” Cece lifted her brows with a laugh. “Aria, you kinky little minx.”

Cece was the first one to leave. The other adults slowly started to follow suit. One by one the kids started to crash. The party started to dwindle as parents left with their sugar-dosed children.

Two hours after the party was officially declared over only Aria and her friends remained.

Spencer had swung by half an hour before the festivities had ended. She’d immediately gotten into the wine. She was careful not to offer it to Emily. Alison declined a glass. They all sat down in the living room, Emily taking the corner of the couch furthest from the door. Alison had a seat next to her.

Spencer sat in Holden’s lounge chair and Aria sat on the loveseat next to the couch. Lupo was trotting around. He was following Ellie because she had icing and cake crumbs smeared all over her. She ran through the living room, giggling as Lupo chased her, licking her.

“If I had known Lupo was going to be such a hit I wouldn’t have gone to all the trouble to decorate and bake. I would have just slapped a birthday hat on her and had the party at a dog park.” Aria laughed.

Lupo stopped at Emily’s feet and sat down when he saw she had a small plate of unfinished cake in her hand. Ellie ran over to him and hugged his neck.

“I love you, puppy.” She kissed his head.

Lupo licked her face and she squealed in laughter. Emily watched in appreciation. She knew she was lucky to be sitting in Aria’s house seeing the joy of childhood. Even though it hurt to know that her little sister never got to experience this kind of love, it helped to know that there were kids out there that were lucky enough to have a loving family.

Emily had a fondness for kids. She always had. It was in her nature to protect anything smaller and weaker than herself. And it was a biological instinct for her mothering genes to be on overdrive, even though she wasn’t a mother. So when she saw Ellie smiling up at her, she felt an internal desire to love her.

The little girl looked almost exactly like Aria. She had Holden’s skin tone, his lips, and his shaggy curly hair. But everything else was perfectly Aria. Her eyes. Her nose. Her ears. She looked just like her mommy.

Ellie climbed over Lupo and up on the couch in between Alison and Emily. She naturally gravitated towards Emily. She stood up next to her and smiled.

“Hi.”

“Hi, Ellie.” Saying the name caused her chest to seize for a moment. “Happy birthday. Did you have fun today?”

“_So much_ fun!” She enthusiastically waved her arms around.

She nuzzled closer to Emily and sat down. Alison watched the interaction with a smile. She’d never seen Emily with kids before. She’d watched Emily interact with Ellie in passing, but this interaction was more personal.

“What was your favorite part?”

Ellie’s little brow creased in concentration. She put her index finger against her lip. Then she smiled.

“You.” Ellie hugged her. “You brought the puppy.”

Ellie kicked her feet and glanced down at Emily’s legs. Then she peered at her exposed arms. She saw the large scars on her wrists. She puffed her lips out in a pout and poked at one of her scars.

“You have a boo boo?” She touched the raised blemish.

Aria and Alison glanced at one another. Aria had a look of embarrassment on her face. Kids had no filter, and her kid _definitely_ didn’t have a filter.

“Ellie, baby, maybe we should let Emily finish her cake.”

“No. It’s okay.” Emily assured Aria. A child’s kindness never upset her. She glanced at the curious little girl. Her eyes were so innocent. She knew nothing of the underbelly of the world. “I got hurt. But it’s better now.”

“What happened?”

“Ellie…”

Emily glanced at Aria. She let her know she didn’t mind.

“See the girl with the blonde hair sitting next to you?” Emily asked. She looked at Alison.

“I know her! That’s my Aunt Ali!” Ellie exclaimed.

“Your Aunt Ali fixed me right up. She fixed my boo boos.” Emily smiled at Alison.

“I fix it.” Ellie leaned down, placing a kiss against Emily’s skin. “Just like mommy and daddy do for me. Is it better?”

“All better.” Emily nodded.

Ellie looked around the room, oblivious to the genuine tears of joy that all of the adults were fighting back. She kicked her legs and hummed something to herself for several seconds.

“Ellie Belle, why don’t you and Lupo go find your daddy? I bet he is ready to read you your bedtime story.”

“Okay.” Ellie didn’t argue. She slid down off of the couch and walked over to her mother. She climbed up into her lap. “I love you, mommy.” She hugged Aria’s neck.

She proceeded to do the same for all of the adults in the room, stopping to give a hug to Spencer and Alison, too, making sure to tell them she loved them, too. She climbed next to Emily again and hugged her.

“I love you.”

Emily smiled and booped her nose. Ellie giggled and then nuzzled against Emily again. Emily lifted her hand and rubbed her back. She was such a natural with her. Alison felt like grabbing Emily and kissing her. She adored her softer side. Watching Emily with Ellie had really shined a spotlight on what Emily had lost. It was heartbreaking to know that Emily had once had moments like these with her little sister, with _her_ Ellie. But she’d never gotten an opportunity to see her grow up.

Ellie got down and tugged on Lupo’s collar and he got up to follow her.

“It’s bedtime puppy.”

They walked out of the room.

“I should have hired her to be my therapist.” Emily tried to break the tension in the room.

“Her fees are astronomical.” Spencer took a sip of her wine with a laugh. “I once asked for a consult on how to fix some office drama and I had to pay her two whole ice cream cones with extra sprinkles. It was outrageous. She totally gouged me.”

“How did _you_ have office drama? Aren’t you your own boss because you couldn’t stand working with others?” Aria nudged her.

“No. Not _with_ others. _For_ others. Big difference.”

“Pretty sure the people working _with_ you feel the same about you.” Alison mumbled.

“Alison DiLaurentis, was that a dig at me? Excuse yourself. Who saved your sorry ass from failing Business Law Sophomore year?”

Emily snorted. Alison turned to face her.

“Something funny?” Alison moved closer, poking her side.

Emily threw her hands up and laughed.

“No. Not at all. I’m just picturing your Kappa Kappa Highness with a bright pink binder and a glitter pen taking notes on trade economics.”

Spencer and Aria howled in laughter.

“She had unicorn stickers on her binder, too.” Spencer grinned.

“Hastings, I will brain you.”

The laughter in the room increased in volume. They sat in the living room for a while, reminiscing, relaxing and chatting about life. It went much smoother than the last time Emily had gotten together with Aria and Spencer. At least this time didn’t end with her bolting out the door.

At one point she excused herself to go to the restroom. She walked by Ellie’s room on the way. The door was cracked. Holden and Ellie were sound asleep. Holden had a copy of _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_ sprawled out across his chest. Ellie was on her side, her little cheek resting against the crook in Holden’s neck. Lupo had managed to squeeze into the bed in between them. Ellie’s arms were wrapped snugly around him. Emily could hear him snoring. She smiled.

_So that’s what a loving family looks like._

She heard shuffling behind her. When she turned around she saw Alison walking towards her, her index finger pressed against her lips as she quietly “shushed” her. She knew Ellie was sleeping.

“You about ready to go?” she whispered.

“Yeah.” Emily glanced in the room.

Alison peered over her shoulder. She laughed when she saw them all crammed on the bed together.

“I think we’re going to have to come back for the dog tomorrow.” Alison smiled.

“That is if we ever get him back. She might never let him go.”

Emily went to the restroom and then they walked back into the living room, announcing that they were calling it a night, but that they were leaving Lupo for a sleepover.

Spencer and Aria both whined, saying the night was still young. But they didn’t know their friends were exhausted from things creeping around in the shadows.

“Let one of us drive you home.” Aria offered.

Spencer held her glass up.

“I won’t be driving anywhere until at least tomorrow morning.” She sipped what was left of her wine.

“Yeah, I probably shouldn’t either.” Aria frowned. They were always preaching to others in the non-profit about the dangers of drinking and driving. “I’ll get Holden.”

Alison thought about how comfortable Ellie, Holden, and Lupo looked and she shook her head.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s just a few blocks.”

“You could stay in the guest bedroom. We have plenty of room for you two and Spencer.”

“The guest room is all yours. I’m probably not going to be moving from the couch any time soon.” Spencer kicked her feet up.

Emily looked at Alison and shook her head. She was too afraid that she’d have a night terror and upset Ellie. And she was afraid she might wake up disoriented in the middle of the night and not remember where she was and that she’d panic and do something dangerous.

“We’ll be fine.” Alison took Emily’s hand.

They said their goodbyes and left. Emily pulled Alison close as they walked down Aria’s driveway. She’d been holding Alison a little tighter these days.

“I like hanging out with your friends. We’re hanging out with them _a lot_ more from here on out. I need to hear more about your sorority days.” She tickled Alison.

“Stop it!” Alison giggled, pulling away from her dexterous fingers.

Emily slowed her pace when they got to the end of the driveway.

“Maybe you should stay here and I should go get the car and come pick you up.” Something felt off. Or she was being paranoid. She couldn’t tell.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you behind the wheel. Can you drive?”

“I drove a tank overseas, Ali. I think I can handle a bougie 4-door with leather interior.”

“I’m sorry I don’t drive an armored truck.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“You joke, but maybe we should look into it.”

“Because nothing says inconspicuous like a giant vehicle with a machine gun propped in the front seat.” Alison walked forward, holding Emily’s hand, dragging her along with her.

“At least I know you’d be safe. I don’t want you ending up like Peter.”

“Can we just walk, please?” Alison felt guilty when she heard his name. “I don’t want you out here alone.”

Emily stayed close as they continued on their way back to Alison’s house. She hadn’t felt safe since the warehouse. She had been thinking about the night at the docks a lot. None of what happened made any sense. If Peter was the target she didn’t understand why he was still alive. If she was the target she didn’t understand why the sharpshooter hadn’t taken potshots at her, too.

“I’m still trying to figure out what happened that night…with Peter.” Emily glanced at Alison. “I’ve talked to his sister…”

“What? When?”

“A few days ago. It’s nothing bad. She’s not angry…”

“Emily, her brother is in a coma. He’s probably never going to wake up. Even though you didn’t do anything she _might_ be holding some animosity towards you.”

“She’s not.”

“And how could you possibly know that?”

“Because his little girl told her she likes me. And apparently, she doesn’t like just anyone.” Emily shrugged. “Besides, sister dearest knows the ballistics from my gun don’t match the one that shot her brother.”

“They never obtained a warrant for your gun.”

“They didn’t have to for her to know that. She did her own homework.”

“How?”

“Come on. Look at what Peter did for a living. You really think his sister doesn’t have connections? She knows it wasn’t me. There was a shell casing that fell into a crack the officers missed. Whoever did it cleaned up after themselves very well. But they missed _one_ little casing. Doesn’t get us any closer to the truth, though.” Emily sighed. “I just wish I knew what happened.”

Alison stopped walking. The guilt was eating her alive. Emily sensed her tension. And she could sense that she felt guilty. The only question was…why?

“Alison, what do you know?” She saw the way Alison pulled away mentally. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Alison’s throat felt tight. How did she tell her that her actions had put a man in the hospital? How did she tell her that she’d once again been on the wrong end of the gun? She hadn’t pulled the trigger this time, but she had loaded the gun.

“I did something.” She looked up at Emily, her eyes full of remorse.

She took Emily’s hand and started walking again, unable to look into her eyes. The air was quiet. Emily felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

“What did you do?”

“When you told me what he did to you I was _so_ angry.” Every time she thought of him she wanted to kill him. “I lost my mind. I didn’t mean for it to...” She sighed. “I just wanted to protect you.”

Emily slowed her pace.

“Oh, shit…” Emily started to piece it together. She looked at Alison and she just _knew_. “Please…_please_ tell me you didn’t…”

“I asked my brother for help. I asked Jason to find him…and to make sure he could never hurt you again.”

_She has no idea what she’s done._ Emily felt faint. If he found out Alison had planned to kill him he would come at her just as hard.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it would go so wrong.” Alison felt guilty about Peter every single day. Not for him, but for his daughter, who like Emily…had witnessed something terrible happening to her father. “I just wanted to make sure he couldn’t hurt you…”

“I told you to leave it alone! I told you I didn’t want you involved.”

“What would you have done if you were in my shoes?”

“It doesn’t matter, Ali. I asked you…I _begged_ you not to do anything.” She ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. “You have no idea what you’re getting into…” The amount of danger she was in…

She grumbled several obscenities under her breath and started pacing forward to try and keep her anger at bay. Alison quickly caught up with her, nearly jogging to keep up.

“Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have done the exact same thing.”

“That’s not the point.” Emily spun around. She felt like hitting something. Alison was in _so_ much danger. There was nothing to hit, so she just shoved her hands into her pockets. “I told you I was going to handle it.”

“By getting yourself killed? I’m sorry. That doesn’t work for me. You said we were going to get through this together…”

“So you went off and hired a hitman behind my back?”

“Don’t lecture me. _You_ were going to go shove a gun into his face.”

“This isn’t your fight.”

“It is now.” Alison replied, her voice coming out catty and sarcastic.

Emily’s face twisted into a scowl. She let out an exasperated sigh.

“God, you are such a pain in the ass sometimes, you know that?”

“Takes one to know one.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize we were resorting to schoolyard taunts.” Emily scoffed.

“You’re the one who…”

Something in Emily’s stance changed. She whipped around, her instincts going haywire. It was a feeling she’d only ever experienced on the battlefield…that sinking notion that someone was honing in on her. Alison saw the panic on her face.

“Em?”

“Shh…” She moved in front of Alison, putting her body in front of hers.

It was quiet, but it made just enough noise for Emily to hear it…and she knew _immediately_ what it was. Even with the silencer on, she knew what the kickback of a gun sounded like.

“Get down!” Emily shoved Alison out of the way.

She hovered over the blonde, hoping that none of the bullets would hit her. Emily felt the unmistakable pain of a bullet ripping through her side, but her adrenaline kept her going. She waited for a few seconds and then she lifted a trembling Alison off of the pavement and jerked her towards the cover of the trees, away from where the bullets had been fired.

Alison was breathing heavily, still unsure of what had happened. She’d heard the loud clicks in the air and saw the look on Emily’s face, but she still hadn’t put it together. Gunshots for her were loud thunderous explosions. She’d never heard the sound a silencer made. She was surprised that Emily had been able to hear it.

“What the hell was that?” Alison tried to catch her breath.

“It’s him.”

Alison could feel her trembling. At first she assumed that it was just her adrenaline. But when she looked down she saw blood on Emily’s shirt.

“Fuck…you’re bleeding.” She frantically reached for the injury.

“It’s nothing. It’s through and through. I felt it go through.” She grabbed Alison.

“You were fucking shot.”

“I’ve spent half my life being shot at. I know how to take a bullet.”

“What do you mean…_half your life_? You mean like…before you joined the army? Jesus Christ, did he _shoot_ at you when you were a kid?”

Another shot rang out.

“Do you _really_ want to spend now hashing that out? While we’ve currently got a damn firefight trained in on us?” Emily grabbed her, pulling her close.

Before Alison could reply, Emily had swept her off of her feet and was running through the covered trails. She hoped to lose him in the woods.

Alison heard another gunshot and she shrieked and buried her face against Emily’s neck, wrapping her arms tightly around her.

They got half a mile before Emily slowed her pace. She was wheezing. They stopped at a bench and Emily gently put Alison down. In the low glow of the moonlight Alison could see the sweat glistening on Emily’s face. She looked clammy and pale. Her shirt had smudges of blood from where the bullet had gone through.

“You okay?” Emily searched her for traces of visible injuries.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Alison half gasped, half laughed in terror.

“What? Are you hurt?” Emily’s eyes widened in concern. “Where?” She started patting Alison down. She was so sure she’d given her good cover. Had a bullet ricocheted from somewhere?

“No, I’m fine.” Alison pushed Emily’s hands away. “You, on the other hand just ran a goddamn mile with a gunshot wound.”

“It’s what I was trained to do…”

Alison lifted Emily’s shirt to look at damage. More than half of her body was covered in scars, and this one just added to it. Alison expected blood and guts and gore, but all she saw was a tiny little bloody hole where the bullet had pierced her skin. She pushed Emily around to check her back and saw an identical injury there. It was the oddest thing to see a gunshot without a bunch of blood. That’s what she’d seen the night she’d killed her parents. She just assumed all gunshots looked messy.

“It could have hit something important…”

“I’d be dead.” Emily pulled her shirt down.

Emily looked around. The world around her started to spin. She was starting to feel her injury. She reached up and ran her fingers through her hair and then leaned over and groaned softly, holding her abdomen.

“Shit,” she said, trying to catch her breath. She looked down at the street. “We can’t go back to your place. He’ll know to look there.”

“Oh, God. What about Aria and Spencer? What if he goes after them?”

“He’s after me. Plus Lupo is there. And Holden would beat the holy hell out of him before he could get anywhere near the girls. All we have to do is draw him away.”

“We have to go to the cops.”

“He’s got the entire force in his pocket. He knows how to play them and they’re stupid enough to let him. It’s a fucking man’s game. We need to keep moving.”

“You have _holes_ in your body that are actively bleeding.” Alison growled angrily at her. “We have to get you help…” She traced her fingers along the injury.

“It just went through the muscle tissue.” Emily peered at the small hole in her body. It was barely oozing blood. She only knew it wasn’t a danger because she’d had an injury just like it before. “We have to get somewhere out of sight.”

“What about your motel room? Have you been careful when you go there?”

“I don’t talk to anyone, but that doesn’t mean people don’t know I’m there. If he asks the right person…”

“The room isn’t in your name, right?”

“Hell no.”

“And you’ve got your guns there?”

“Yeah. I took Ethan’s gun back after you had a shit-fit about it being in the house.”

“I should have told you to keep it on you.”

Maybe they wouldn’t be in this position otherwise. But Alison had been wary about keeping guns in the house ever since she’d killed three people in her kitchen. And Emily still had bouts of her PTSD where she lost control.

“It’s not like a gun would do me much good right now anyway.” Emily took Alison’s hand. “I don’t know where he was shooting from. I’ve got to find a target before I can shoot it.”

Emily led the way, making sure to cover Alison to the best of her ability. Alison watched as something inside of Emily’s brain took charge…a force of control that only someone with field experience exuded.

Emily’s first priority was keeping the blonde safe. She used her body as a human shield for Alison.

As dangerous as the situation was, Alison felt safe in Emily’s embrace. She felt impenetrable with Emily next to her.

They got to the motel unscathed. She made Alison wait in the shadows while she checked the perimeter for breaches. When she was sure that it was safe she went back for Alison and they slipped into her room.

Alison looked around the small enclosed motel room. She hadn’t been there since the night she’d found Emily bleeding out on her bathroom floor. She shuddered at the thought of it. Being back made her feel like she was reliving that night. She was so sure that Emily was going to die.

Emily put her hand against Alison’s arm, bringing her crashing back into reality.

“Are you okay?” Emily asked.

She had her brother’s gun in her hand. Alison’s forehead squinted in confusion. How had she grabbed that from the safe so fast?

_Did I black out?_

She’d done something similar the night her parents died.

Alison’s eyes darted to the blood on Emily’s clothes. It was a strange familiarity to see that shade of red. It was a weird sensation to recognize someone from the color of their blood, but she knew that if someone presented her with a selection of bloody colors, she’d be able to pick out Emily’s every single time.

“That’s going to get infected.” Alison put one hand against Emily’s hip and the other against the bullet hole in her shirt. She pushed her back until Emily was forced to sit on the mattress.

“Maybe this will exorcise the demons inside or whatever.”

“Now is not the time to be a wise-ass.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“Au contraire, my love, it’s the _perfect_ time. We’re being chased by a mad man and half of my body has decided to give up on me.” Emily put her brother’s gun down on the bed.

“Well, _I’m_ not giving up on you.” Alison reached for the end table next to the bed, which had a small first aid kit.

“You should have a luncheon with my liver. Maybe it would listen to you.”

“Shut up, Emily.” Alison pulled out a package of gauze.

She pulled Emily’s shirt up, taking a look at both the entrance wound and the exit wound. She started to clean and patch up the injuries.

She expected Emily to hiss or growl or flinch, but she didn’t react at all when she doused the bullet holes in alcohol. Alison saw her skin prickling, but her face was a mask of stoicism. She gently placed a bandage on the hole in her side. She put another bandage on the hole in her back.

“I feel like half of our lives is just me patching you up in motel rooms.” Alison rolled the gauze around her body and gently taped it down.

Emily smiled softly at her and put her hand on top of Alison’s.

“Not the kind of touching you imagined us doing in a motel, huh? Maybe we can still savor the night.” She grinned, placing her hand on Alison’s hip.

“Don’t get greedy.” Alison smiled, pushing her hand away. She saw Emily flinch when she pressed against her injuries. “You’re lucky. It could have been much worse.”

Emily knew Alison was right. And she got the feeling it wasn’t luck. She got the feeling it was planned. He hadn’t meant to kill her tonight. He’d wanted to scare her. To torture her. He’d done it all the time when she was younger.

“He’s playing with me.” She clenched her jaw.

“What?”

“If he wanted me dead I’d be dead. He wouldn’t have used a little peashooter.” She felt a strange tension shooting down her spine and into her limbs. “He’s trying to mess with my head.”

“That fucking psycho.” Alison snapped under her breath. She finished dressing the injuries and let Emily’s shirt fall back against her skin. “This should slow the bleeding until I can get you to Cece…”

“No. We can’t pull her into this. The more people who know, the more ammo he has.”

“You need stitches and antibiotics.”

“I can sew myself up. Learned overseas. And alcohol serves well as both an antibiotic and an anesthetic. I’ll be fine.” She touched the back of Alison’s hand, a mixture of urgency and intimacy in her embrace. “Whatever we do, we can’t stay here. We have to move.”

Alison thought about it for a few minutes. She could see that this man was a threat to Emily, and she wanted to do whatever it took to protect her.

“I have a place. My family owned a cabin just outside of town. It’s not associated with the DiLaurentis name. They used it for networking. It’s from one of their business revenues. It’s a CEO that belonged to this group that my parents were a part of. _The Carissimi Group_. It can’t be traced back to me, and no one ever uses it, especially in the off season. We’ll be safe there. We can stay the night and then regroup…figure things out.”

Emily nodded. She trusted Alison.

“Where is it?”

“The Poconos. We can take a bus out of town and from there I can call in a favor from an old childhood friend of mine.”

“Is it someone you trust?”

“I’ve known Shana since we were three. We can trust her.”

“If you trust her then so do I.” Emily gripped Alison’s hand. “Make the call.”

Alison grabbed her phone and dialed a number.

Three hours later the two of them were walking through the front door of the secluded cabin in the woods. The place felt like something out of a period driven horror film. Still, Emily knew that it was safer than staying in town.

Emily dropped her bag, essentials she’d grabbed from the motel. They hadn’t been able to go back to Alison’s place. Emily knew he would be watching for them to go back.

The first thing Alison did when they locked the door behind them was call Aria to let her know that something had come up and that she was going to be out of work for a little while. She also asked if Aria would take care of Lupo until she got back.

“Not a problem.” Aria replied, still high on her wine. “Holden and I have been talking about getting a dog for Ellie. It will be a good trial run.”

“Thanks, Ar. I owe you one.”

“Sorry, what did you say? You’re breaking up…”

“I’ll be back soon. Just make sure that Mona stays on her meds and Hanna eats and that Charles keeps working on his self-image. They’re all doing so well…”

“They’ll be fine. I’ll handle everything on this end.” Aria replied, and Alison could practically hear the warmth of the alcohol in her tone.

And she felt jealous of her. She was envious of the simplicity of Aria’s life. Her best friend had always had it easier than she’d had it. Aria had perfect parents, a doting partner, and a beautiful child. She didn’t have a brother in jail. She didn’t have a suicidal girlfriend. She wasn’t being hunted by a psychopath. Aria and Alison had suffered a lot of the same hardships, but somehow Aria had managed to escape the darkness.

Alison was struggling to do the same. But when she looked at Emily all of that anger faded away. All of the jealousy dissipated. Because when she looked at Emily she knew that the pain was worth it. When she looked at Emily she knew that she would do anything to bring her home safe, even if it meant loading a gun and pulling the trigger. Emily had taken a bullet for her. And Alison wouldn’t hesitate to turn that bullet on the person who had fired it at Emily. She would kill him if it meant Emily would be safe.


	17. Vulnerability

**A/N:** _Thank you all for keeping me sane in an insane world. Creating these stories and sharing them with you all keeps me going. Only a few pages left to turn. A few chapters to go. I may or may not have one more story in me after this one if you guys are down for it. _

* * *

**Chapter 17:**

**Vulnerability**

Neither one of them slept the first night at the cabin. Emily tried to burn off her energy on the treadmill in the exercise room in the basement, but it only stimulated her adrenaline more.

She obsessively checked her gun and ammo. She paced the hallways like an antsy prison guard. If they had been followed she would be ready. She wouldn’t be caught off-guard again. She listened for noises. She peered around the shades. She felt like she was back in combat, waiting for an enemy to jump out at her.

She heard shuffling from the bedroom. She rushed towards the noise, terrified that someone had slipped past her and was trying to hurt Alison. She was relieved to find Alison walking towards the door. She’d gotten tired of listening to Emily pacing.

“You really need to get some rest.” Alison walked over to her. All the moving around couldn’t be good for her injuries.

Emily put her weapon down on the dresser.

“I’m fine. I’ve done twenty-four hour shifts before.” She could see the _‘but you were shot a few hours ago’_ ready to spill from Alison’s mouth. “Yes, even after being shot. Army makes ‘em strong, babe.”

Alison started to reply, but she paused, her mouth twisting into a smirk.

“What?” Emily asked.

“You called me babe.”

“I can go back to blondie if you prefer it.” Emily closed the distance between them, pulling Alison in for a hug.

“I’d _prefer_ for you to come to bed.” Alison pushed her palm against Emily’s hand and curled her fingers into Emily’s. “It’s four in the morning, Em.”

“He won’t sleep until he finds us.”

“He won’t find us here. This place is off the map.” Alison smoothed some of Emily’s hair down. “Besides, if he’s going to kill us I’d rather be well-rested. I don’t want to go to my eternal rest looking like a dime store whore in a fight with a blow dryer.”

“Oh, Ali.” Emily shook her head with a smile. “You’re worth at least a dollar.” She wrapped her arms around Alison’s waist and kissed her forehead.

“Emily Fields, you can take that dollar and shove it.”

“Ooh.” Emily lifted her brows. “Tell me _where_.”

Alison giggled and pulled her towards the bed. She fell backwards on to the mattress, taking Emily with her. Emily felt a jabbing pain in her side when she hit the bed. Alison saw her flinch. She reached up and stroked her cheek.

“Does it hurt?”

“Comes and goes. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“You are the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met.”

“Look on the bright side.” Emily mirrored Alison’s actions, cupping her face. “I’m too stubborn to die.”

Alison scowled at her.

“You’re not a cat. You can’t keep using up your lives like you’ve got more to fall back on.”

“I never thought I had more to fall back on.” She looked at the ceiling, remembering the feeling of hopelessness she’d felt back in that motel bathroom. The first time she’d tried to kill herself she’d just been pissed. But when she was alone in that bathroom all she’d felt was an overwhelming darkness. “That was the point. That’s why I did what I did. I didn’t think I’d survive.”

Alison turned to her side, propping herself up on her elbow.

“Are you glad you _did_ survive?”

Emily looked at Alison. It was such a loaded question. Because if Alison had never met her, the blonde never would have known this much pain. On the flipside, if she’d never met Alison Emily never would have known love. She couldn’t imagine not knowing Alison. She couldn’t imagine her life without her.

“I’m glad that I met you. I’m glad that you’re in my life.” She smiled as she reached up and brushed Alison’s hair gently with her fingers. She looked into Alison’s eyes. “And you have the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen.”

“Don’t try to change the subject by sweet talking me.”

“I mean it. Truly. I’m not talking about just how beautiful they are. Because there is more to you than that. When I look into your eyes I see…hope. I see determination…and love. And an unyielding tenacity. Even if you know someone is a lost cause, you still believe they have a chance.”

“I don’t believe in lost causes.” Alison leaned over her. She moved towards Emily’s lips, stopping to let her mouth hover over Emily’s. “People can be lost. But they’re not lost causes. They’re just people who have yet to be found…those who have yet to be shown the light.”

Emily considered Alison’s words. Sometimes she made her see things in a completely different light.

“Okay, would you just kiss me? You sound like a gospel song right now.” Emily teased.

Alison laughed softly and pressed her lips against Emily’s.

“You do have a habit of making me shout out loud to God.” Alison lowered her tone to a sultry whisper.

“In that case, let me take you to church.” Emily kissed her neck. She slid her fingers underneath Alison’s night shirt. She could feel the goosebumps against her skin.

“You have a bullet hole in your side.” Alison reached down and cupped her chin, trying to stop her. “_Two_ of them…”

“So? That doesn’t affect my mouth.” She pulled Alison’s shirt up. “Consider it a dying woman’s last wish.”

“That’s not funny, Emily.”

Emily placed a kiss on her taut stomach. When Alison felt Emily’s lips against her skin she lost all sense of control. Emily slowly kissed her way down until she reached the band of Alison’s pajama bottoms. She slowly lowered them, kissing her pelvis while simultaneously slipping her fingers below her panty line. She moved her fingers against Alison’s hips, slowly pulling her bottoms down. She kissed the sensitive bud between Alison’s legs.

“Em…” She shuddered.

“Still want me to stop?” She placed strategic kisses against Alison’s inner thighs. Emily increased the pressure between her legs.

“I’ll shoot you myself if you do.”

Alison slid her hand over her face and moaned. She bit down the fleshy part of her palm as she bucked against Emily’s mouth. Her fingers slowly slid up over her heated face and into her hair. She tugged on her hair, pulling roughly as she threaded her fingers through it when she felt her orgasm hitting her.

By the time Emily was done with her, Alison had gone beyond shouting biblical names. She’d even resorted to a bunch of dirty talk she didn’t realize she had in her.

After her fourth orgasm, Emily finally let up. She wanted her to be able to rest. She slid up next to Alison. Emily’s body was throbbing and sore, but she never let on that she was hurting. Every second she’d been between Alison’s legs had been worth it.

She pressed a kiss against Alison’s temple.

“Oh my God.” Alison panted. “How do you even have the stamina after what we went through tonight?”

“I’ve always got it in me for you, blondie.”

Alison slithered close to Emily’s side, gently wrapping her arms around her, careful to avoid her injuries.

“You must be exhausted.” Alison snuggled against her.

“I could go again.” Emily grinned at her.

“Yeah, well, my vagina needs a break before _it_ breaks.”

She kissed Emily’s sweaty forehead. They stared at one another. Alison could see a fire in Emily’s eyes. She was still riding high.

“You realize you have tits, too?” Emily palmed her right breast.

“I don’t think it’s physically possible for me to come again right now. There is no come left in my body. I’m come-less.”

They both laughed. Emily kissed her again. Alison ran her thumb underneath Emily’s jaw.

“I’m not going to be able to sleep.” Emily glanced at the ceiling.

She was in new surroundings. She’d just been shot. She didn’t have the safety and comfort of her routine. Even though she had Alison, she felt alone and isolated. She felt insecure and paranoid.

“So we’ll just stay like this until morning.” Alison nuzzled her cheek against Emily’s shoulder.

Alison dozed off, but Emily stayed awake, remaining vigilant.

When she saw the sun peeking through the curtains she quietly slid out of bed. She wanted to make Alison breakfast, but there wasn’t a lot to choose from. Since the cabin had been vacant for so long the only thing they had were non-perishable canned food and boxed items. She found a coffee maker and an unopened bag of a fancy cocoa blend. She also found a box of unopened pancake mix and an untouched bottle of syrup.

Alison deserved a five-star meal, but pancakes and coffee would have to do.

She went to work, quietly trying to make their breakfast. It was so weird to not have Lupo at her feet, waiting on her to drop something on the floor. She missed the big lug, but he would serve a better purpose at Aria’s.

Emily didn’t think that anyone would go after their friends. They were small game compared to her. But she felt safer knowing that Lupo would destroy anyone who tried to hurt Aria’s little girl.

She had a feeling the people in Rosewood were safe. He was done playing games. He was coming for her, and she knew it. She knew it, because she knew he would never let her live…especially not knowing what she knew. All she had to do was come forward about what had really happened the night Ellie was killed. She was the only person left in the world who knew what a monster he was, and he wouldn’t stand for that.

Emily pulled the pan off of the stove, flipping a pancake on to a plate. She made a few more before shutting it off.

She quietly marveled at the fact that rich people didn’t have to worry about cutting electricity and water on and off, even at an uninhabited cabin in the middle of nowhere.

She pushed the pan off of the hot burner and went to check on Alison. She heard a quiet mumbling sound coming from the room. Emily pushed the door open and saw Alison on the cabin’s phone.

“Yeah,” she said into the receiver. She smiled and waved at Emily.

The first thing Emily had done after they had skipped town was call Caleb to make sure that he could hack their phones so they couldn’t be tracked. And even with that, they’d put their phones in airplane mode and had been using the cabin phone to communicate with people.

“Shana wants to know if we need anything from the store.” Alison covered the phone’s receiver.

“The kitchen is pretty bare. Maybe some fresh foods. Fruits. Milk. Strawberries. Whipped cream. Chocolate. Stuff like that.” She winked at Alison.

“You get that, Shana?” Alison asked. There was a pause and then Alison snickered. “Shut up. Not everything is about sex.”

But her eyes told a different story. She looked at Emily like she was picturing her without her clothes on. For a few brief moments they forgot that they were on the run. They forgot that this was survival.

Alison listed off a few more items that they were going to need and then she hung up. She stood up and walked over to Emily without saying a word. She pecked her lips.

“Good morning,” Alison slipped her arm around her. It felt so right being with her.

“Morning. I made pancakes and coffee.”

“You’re the one who gets shot, and I’m the one who gets pampered.” Alison scoffed.

“It’s not as big a deal as you’re making it out to be. I’ve healed from potshots before.”

“Did he shoot you?”

“Pretty sure he’s been stalking me, so I don’t think it was some random mugging…”

“No. Not last night. When you were younger. You said you’d been dodging bullets for half your life, _before_ you were in the army…”

“He took shots at me and Ethan for practice, but never hit us. He did it to keep us in line. He wanted us to be afraid of him. But all it did was piss us off, which got us in more trouble.”

Alison’s face turned red in anger. She huffed out a growl.

“I swear to God if I ever see him…”

“If you ever see him I want you to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.” Emily cut her off. The fact that Alison was so adamant about squaring off with him scared her, because the blonde had no idea who she was up against. “I will never let him lay a finger on you.” Emily slipped her index finger up against Alison’s arm.

“And I’ll never let him hurt you again.”

Alison had the cutest look of determination on her face. Her brows were furrowed in an angry sort of concentration. Emily didn’t doubt her protective nature for one second. In fact, it was almost worrisome to know that Alison would step in the line of fire for her. Because they were dealing with a monster who wouldn’t hesitate to pull the trigger.

They heard a ding from the kitchen, an alarm to let them know the coffee was done. Even though she’d set the timer, the noise still startled Emily. Alison saw her jump. But after a few seconds she was able to breathe again.

Emily grabbed Alison’s hand and pulled her towards the kitchen. The table was already set. Alison stared at the stack of pancakes.

“If this is what you do with limited supplies, I can’t wait to see what you can pull off with the actual groceries that Shana is bringing.”

Emily chuckled softly, but there was a nervous undertone. She glanced at Alison.

“You’re sure we can trust her, right?”

“I’ve known her since we were in diapers together. We spent summers in Atlanta with our fucked up families. I designated her as trustworthy when she called my dad a sanctimonious ass when we were seven.”

“Okay, I like her.” Emily grinned.

“She said it to his face.”

“She’s going to be our maid of honor.”

“And she threw a dinner roll at his head.”

“Can I marry her instead?”

Alison rolled her eyes with a laugh.

“I just want you to know she’s on our side. Shana isn’t afraid of much. She left home when she was eighteen to get away from her family. She ended up meeting some girl in New York who stole her heart. They’ve been running a bed and breakfast together up here ever since.”

“That’s…”

“The gayest shit you’ve ever heard?” Alison guessed.

“I was going to go with _romantic_, but yeah, it really is. The only way they could have made it more cliché was to do it in Vermont instead.”

Alison snickered and then a string of laughter filled the air. She looked at Emily, amused. Emily’s brow creased in confusion.

“They got married in Vermont.” Alison giggled.

Emily nearly doubled over in laughter.

“Please tell me they have two cats and a subscription to _The Home Shopping Network._”

“Just one cat. And a Pug. And they hate _HSN_. They call it glorified advertising. But Shana likes to ironically wear flannel and sell Amish butter at a roadside stand.”

“This is the greatest day of my life.” Emily snickered.

It was so strange to feel such joy after such an immense amount of pain and fear. It felt weird to feel normal with Alison when she knew what was creeping around in the shadows.

“Did Shana say when she’s coming by?”

“After she and her wife close up shop.”

“Oh, the wife is coming, too? We could make an orgy out of it.” Emily lifted her eyebrows playfully.

They ended up not making an orgy out of it. Instead they just had a nice dinner together that night. After sitting down and talking to Shana, Emily realized that Alison was right to trust her. Alison had only told Shana the bare minimum, but she knew that someone was out to hurt them, so she offered to be their eyes and ears around town. She said she didn’t mind picking up anything they needed.

“I appreciate it.” Emily smiled timidly at her.

It felt so fucking weird to be running from a madman with a gun one night and then chatting over entrees the next night.

“Still not sure if you trust me?” Shana could sense her uneasiness.

“Don’t take it personally. I don’t really trust anyone.”

“I get that.” She looked over at her wife and Alison chatting by the kitchen counter. She kept her eyes on Alison, but she addressed Emily. “She’s been through hell, with her family and all.”

“I know.” Emily looked at the ground.

She stared at the gap between her feet. Sometimes she felt guilty for not walking away from Alison that night in the bar. She felt guilty for letting her fall in love with her, and for loving her back.

Shana slowly turned to face Emily again.

“Level with me. How bad is it? Alison was always a really good liar and I get the feeling that she’s downplaying this.”

Emily hated opening herself up to new people. But she knew what was at stake. When she felt the bullet tear through her side 24 hours earlier all she’d been able to think about was what would have happened if it had hit Alison.

“Full disclosure?” Emily asked.

“No bullshit.”

Emily eyed Shana. Alison said she trusted her…and Emily wanted to trust her, too. Something about the way Shana carried herself made Emily believe that she’d seen some shit in her life, too.

“The man that’s after us is extremely dangerous. The reason we left Rosewood was to draw him away from our friends. He’s after me. And he’ll use anyone he can to get to me.” She linked her fingers together in her lap. “I’m army. It’s my nature to stay and fight. But with him…I don’t know how. Because he won’t just hurt me. He’ll hurt my friends and force me to watch. But without me in town he has no reason to stay. It’s a sick twisted game for him.”

He’d done it to her when she was little. Even when she hid from him, he found her. And it was always worse when she tried to hide. She feared what was going to happen if he caught up to them again.

“I think he knows about Alison considering he came after us both last night. And I’m pretty sure he put another one of my friends in the hospital after a severe beating.”

She didn’t have proof that he was the one who had gone after Charles, but it was likely. It could have been anyone associating with Peter, but the hate and the meanness…that was something she was all too familiar with.

“I’ve been careful about who I associate with, because I was afraid something like this would happen.”

She was worried about Hanna and Mona, because if he’d been at the club that night he’d probably seen them together. And she was worried about Spencer and Aria, too, though she’d spent a significantly less amount of time with them.

“I’ve got a friend back in town. He’s keeping an eye out. But we’re both pretty sure he’s going to follow me. I don’t know how long it will be before he figures out where we are. When I was younger I stayed on the run with my brother. We never stayed in one place for very long. But I don’t want that kind of life for Alison. And I’m tired of running.” She looked at the woman who had saved her more than once. “Alison deserves better than this. The most important thing to me is her safety.”

“I’ve known that girl her whole life. And the way she looks at you…no way she’ll ever leave your side.”

“I know.”

Emily looked at Alison. The blonde smiled at her. Emily smiled back, putting on a show for her.

“I know you don’t know me, but I need to ask you for a favor.” Emily faced Shana again.

“Any friend of Ali’s is a friend of mine. Whatever you need.”

“If he shows up, I don’t care what you have to do…you knock her out and drive her as far away from here as possible. Because he _will_ kill her. It doesn’t matter if I’m ready for him or not. He’s always found a way.”

Shana tapped the edge of her glass in thought, letting the new information sink in. She didn’t respond.

“If you don’t want to get involved, I wouldn’t blame you,” Emily said. “I get that you have a family. Ali and I…we can figure it out.”

Shana coolly took a sip of her drink.

“Nah, it’s all good. I just wanted to know if you really are who Alison says you are.”

“What exactly did she tell you about me?”

“You’re loyal. Fiercely protective.” Shana looked at her friend. “And you put everyone else before yourself. I don’t doubt that if something does go down she’ll be your first priority.”

“Yeah, well, she saved my life. The least I can do is return the favor.” Alison was only in this mess because of her.

Maybe being with someone worth dying for was what love felt like. Maybe it’s what being alive felt like.

“So, other than getting her wrapped up in this bounty on your head, you been taking good care of her?” Shana asked.

“We take care of each other.” Emily replied, staring at Alison across the room. She was radiant. Looking at her, no one would ever know she was on the run.

Emily wasn’t sure when it had happened. Maybe it was the night they met when she woke up to find what she thought was an angel hovering over her. Maybe it was when they fucked in the hospital. Maybe it was the first time she looked into her eyes when they were together…when she _really_ looked. But at some point, she had fallen for her.

It took her longer to admit than she cared to think about. Because they could have had something more. Something different. But now that she was able to hold her and look at her and be in her presence without all of the pain hanging over them…now that she had her she wasn’t going to lose her.

Getting shot was an eye-opener for her. Because for the first time since she could remember, she had been _afraid_ of dying. Having that bullet rip through her was different than every other time she’d come close to death in the past.

Back before Alison, getting shot only fueled her anger. Now it drove her love. It opened up a world of possibilities they could have lost if the bullet had shifted just a few inches to the left or right.

She looked at Alison and she _wanted_ to live.

“I know that look.” Shana laughed. “She’s got you in her orbit.”

_She’s my entire fucking universe._

“You’re reeled in for life on Planet Alison, my friend. She does that to people.”

“Wait, did you two…” Emily suddenly found herself jealous. She’d never been jealous before. She’d never cared enough to be jealous.

“Oh, God no. We would have killed one another. Though it would have been nice to tongue her in front of her snobby elitist parents for good measure…”

“Did you really call her dad a sanctimonious ass?”

“Oh, yeah.” Shana grinned. “That was a fun dinner. I called her mother an oppressive plastic bimbo, too. I was insulting at a middle school level that day.” She looked over at her friend and her wife. “You don’t have anything to worry about, lover girl. Ali and I were never a thing. Bossy blondes aren’t my type.”

“She is pretty bossy.” Emily stole another glance at Alison.

She was bossy, persistent, and controlling. But Emily wasn’t annoyed by those qualities. They only made her feel more attracted to her.

Alison could feel Emily’s eyes on her from across the room. There was a subtle difference about the expression on her face. She’d seen it in Emily’s eyes when they’d first gotten to the cabin. It was strange how one of the worst experiences of their lives was bringing out the best in their relationship. Though, that’s what the threat of death did. It drove out people’s true feelings. And judging by how often Emily had pushed her over the edge last night, the feelings were pretty fucking strong.

**o ~ O ~ o**

The next several days went by without incident. Shana checked in on them occasionally to make sure they didn’t need anything. Alison checked in with Aria to make sure everything was okay back in town. She was very careful about telling her where they were. She just said they were spending quality time together. Aria told her that they were long overdue for a relaxing vacation.

Alison had to stop herself from cynically replying that it was the _opposite_ of relaxing. Emily was more on edge than ever. Every little noise made her leap out of her skin. She couldn’t sleep. She was “on” all the time.

But they _had_ been spending quality time together. And spending quality time together equated to a lot of sex. Emily fucked Alison in every room, on every surface…in every position. It relieved a lot of their tension.

At first, Alison had been wary about letting Emily be so physical while she was healing from her gunshot wound, but Alison found out that she was able to function just fine. And Alison couldn’t say no to Emily when she was touching her.

They screwed in the shower. They defiled the countertops. They nearly ripped apart the living room furniture. Alison didn’t realize it was physically possible to orgasm so much. A crime scene investigator would have had a field day taking a black light to their cozy little cabin.

Emily fed her strawberries and drizzled hot chocolate against her breasts, leaving Alison a sticky screaming mess as her tongue worked her body. She bent her over the couch and took her from behind. They nearly broke the tile in the shower because of how hard they were going at it. They broke the Pilates machine in the basement. They were untamed and wild and raw, and everything they needed to be.

Alison was careful about when and how she touched Emily. She knew that despite how close they’d gotten, Emily still had problems being physically touched. She could always see it in her eyes if she was uncomfortable. Every so often when their bodies were twisting and writhing together Alison would instinctively reach between them, running her hand along Emily’s abs and against her chest or she’d press her fingers in between Emily’s legs.

Getting lost in the moment happened, and she couldn’t stop herself. Sometimes it was fine. Sometimes Emily was okay. But other times she’d cry under her breath. Alison would always pull back when that happened.

Alison had never felt a desire to taste and touch anyone more than she did Emily. She wanted to feel what it was like to have Emily clenching around her fingers and spilling into her mouth. But she knew she wasn’t ready. So instead, she just let Emily focus on her.

Emily left no part of Alison’s body untouched...unkissed. She tasted every inch of her. The entire cabin started to smell like sex, and the pheromones in the air only drove them to fuck more.

But they didn’t just sleep together. The thrill of the danger looming over them and the heightened emotions they were experiencing also opened up lines of communication that had been blocked.

Spending such a vast amount of time together forced them to get to know one another in a way that they never had before. Every conversation felt like the last words they would ever speak. Every time they were physical it felt like the last time. Every moment felt like the last.

Emily held her tenderly afterwards. She kissed her forehead and played with her fingers. She massaged her shoulders and kissed the back of her neck. She told her she was beautiful and strummed her fingers through her hair. She caressed her cheek and stared into her dark lust-filled eyes. She cradled her. She never wanted to let her go.

The one thing she still couldn’t do was tell her she loved her. But Alison didn’t care. Because she knew that eventually, those three words would come. And hopefully _she_ would be coming when they did.

A week into their marathon fuck-fest they took a break to enjoy a romantic dinner that Emily had been planning long before they had been used as target practice. She’d wanted to take Alison out to a nice restaurant before they’d been forced to skip town, but since that option was out she decided to put the cooking skills she’d learned from Ezra to use.

She made Alison stay in the living room while she set up the kitchen as a little mock restaurant. She’d asked Shana to pick up a few things. A nice tablecloth. Candles. Flowers. All things she considered extravagant. But Alison was worth it.

She’d found some expensive dishes and cutlery. She’d even wrapped up some fancy napkins with flowery bows. The finishing touch was the romantic music she put on.

Alison was blown away by the set up. She was even more impressed by the dinner. Emily had made lemon herb salmon with pepper flakes and roasted potatoes with asparagus. Alison practically licked her plate clean.

“You must not have liked it at all.” Emily pointed her fork towards Alison’s empty dish.

“I’m about to pull an Oliver Twist. _Please sir, I want some more_?”

Emily reached across the table and took Alison’s hand. They smiled at one another.

“You’re adorable.”

“Yikes. Adorable is _so_ not the vibe I was going for tonight.”

Emily chuckled and leaned across the table to plant a kiss on Alison’s lips. Emily smiled when she looked into her eyes. Sometimes she forgot they were on the run when she looked at Alison. Having a romantic dinner with her girlfriend seemed ridiculous when she considered the situation they were in, but it also felt right.

Alison squeezed Emily’s hand. She pushed her chair back and stood up and grabbed both of their plates and walked towards the sink with them. She walked over to the refrigerator and started rooting around. Emily watched her open and close the cabinets.

“What are you doing?” Emily walked up behind her.

“You took care of dinner. I’ll take care of dessert.” Alison looked over her shoulder.

“The only dessert I want is standing right here.” Emily wrapped her arms around Alison’s waist and kissed her temple.

“Mind out of the gutter, Fields.”

“_Fields_? You’ve never called me that before.” Emily laughed.

Alison spun around so that the fronts of their bodies were pressed together. She lifted her eyebrows and gave Emily a seductive look.

“You like that, soldier?”

Her tone and the dedication she was giving to the words sent a flush of heat coursing through Emily’s veins. She took a breath to try and keep her libido in control. Alison always looked hot when she was grabbing the reins. The slow music was setting a mood that was certain to end up with the two of them in bed together.

“Okay, Ali, you’re going to have to back up off of this a little bit, or else I don’t know if I’ll be able to control myself.” She pressed her fingers against Alison’s side, slowly moving in to kiss her.

When their lips met, Alison was the one who took control. She gripped the side of Emily’s neck and kissed her with a determined passion. They slowly parted, but their bodies stayed connected. Smooth jazz echoed in the air. They embraced one another and the beautiful stylings of Ella Fitzgerald led their motions. Dancing felt like a freedom they’d never had before.

Emily pulled Alison into her body, wrapping her arm around her back, holding her close. Alison walked her fingers down Emily’s arm until they slid effortlessly into Emily’s. She clasped her hand. She wrapped her other arm around Emily’s body. They pushed their connected hands away from their bodies and starting waltzing to the beat of the music.

Their eyes spoke more than words could. Midway through the song Alison laid her head against Emily’s shoulder and sighed. She let Emily lead her. She was content to let her take control.

When the song came to a close Alison lifted her head and smiled at Emily. She kissed her again.

“Shower and then meet me for lights out at o’21 hundred.” Alison uttered against her mouth.

“We’re going to have to work on your military lingo.” Emily grinned into their kiss.

“Are you giving me lip, cadet?”

“Only if you want it.” Emily smirked. She nipped on Alison’s lip before pulling away.

“Seriously, I want to do something nice for you.” Alison glanced at the items she’d pulled out. “Go relax.”

_Relax._

Emily didn’t even know the meaning of the word. She almost laughed at the absurdity of the suggestion, but she didn’t want to hurt Alison’s feelings. So she did the only logical thing she could think of. She walked the perimeter of the cabin to make sure it was secure and she double checked her gun’s ammo. Making sure that they were safe was her definition of _relax_.

When she was satisfied she went to their bedroom. She sat down against the bed and leaned back against the pillows.

She reached for the phone and dialed Caleb’s number. Their conversation was short. It always was. It had been the same thing for the past week. Not knowing where he was was worse than knowing where he was. She started to second-guess herself, wondering if maybe she should have just stayed in town and tried to draw him out.

“Knock, knock?” she heard Alison call from the hallway.

“Who’s there?” Emily fired back.

“Funny.” Alison pushed the door open. “Are you decent?”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but yes.”

“Oh.” She walked in carrying a tray of small strawberry cheesecake bites and two cups of hot cider. “Was my army foreplay really that bad?”

“No.” Emily tried to humor her. “No, it was cute. Like…a baby deer learning to walk for the first time.”

“Ouch.” Alison sat down against the edge of the mattress, food still in hand. She put the drinks on the nightstand.

“Hey, you don’t have to prove your sexiness to me.” Emily reached out and put her hand against Alison’s thigh. “I will take you anywhere. Anytime.” She looked at the tray of stuffed strawberries. “So, what’s on the menu…besides you?”

“My grandmother’s no bake strawberry cheesecake bites.” She grimaced and lowered her head in shame. “I probably should not have mentioned my grandmother in bed. I am _really_ off tonight.”

“I have succeeded in fucking your brains out of your head, haven’t I?” Emily was surprised when Alison’s face flushed. She couldn’t tell if the blonde was turned on or embarrassed. “Hey, you brought strawberries and whipped cream to bed. That’s a win in my book.”

Alison moved on to the bed next to her. She held the tray in her lap. Emily looked at the little treats. Alison had hollowed out the center of the strawberries and had filled them with cream cheese and powdered sugar. She’d sprinkled the top with graham crackers. She delicately picked one up and moved it towards Emily’s mouth.

“Open.”

“What, you’re not going to tack a ‘soldier’ on the end of that command?” Emily teased her.

“Don’t make me force you to drop and give me twenty.”

She smirked when she imagined Emily in between her legs moving up and down doing pushups while her tongue skirted her core each time she moved. She could practically see her muscles bulging.

“Amateur.” Emily rolled her eyes. “I would have gone with fifty.”

“We wouldn’t want that gunshot wound to flare up and interfere with our sex romp.”

“That’s true.” Emily nodded, slowly closing her eyes and opening her mouth. “You did propose to me the last time we had one of those. I can’t wait to see what you have planned next.”

She felt Alison brush the strawberry against her lips and she closed her mouth around it, gently sucking until she tasted the cream cheese mixture. Alison pushed the strawberry forward until her fingers were in Emily’s mouth.

Emily opened her eyes and looked at her with a grin on her face as she traced her hot tongue over Alison’s soft silky skin. Alison felt a pulsing sensation between her thighs. She slipped her fingers out and pressed her lips against Emily’s lips. She tasted Emily’s pleasure and the sweet tart flavor of the treat in her mouth.

“Well?” Alison asked curiously.

“Delicious.” Emily licked her lips. “The perfect blend of sweet, tart, and creamy.”

Emily reached for another strawberry, but instead of putting it in her mouth she held it up in front of Alison’s lips.

“Your turn.”

Alison leaned forward with a smile, her lips closing around the tip of the strawberry. Her teeth cut through the fruit and she ate the smallest bite. Emily held the berry against Alison’s lips as she gently gripped it with her teeth.

Emily leaned forward and put her lips around the protruding fruit and slipped her lips against Alison’s. They both bit into a portion of it and then pulled back to chew.

They went back and forth with the fruit for several minutes before they finally gave in to their desires and met in a heated kiss. Alison moved the tray aside and lied down against the bed, Emily following her motions. They lied side by side, facing each other.

Emily felt like the only time that her mind was quiet was when she was in the moment with Alison. The pressure of her past and present colliding melted into thin air. She raked her fingers through the blonde’s soft locks and her fingertips traced her cheek.

She gently put her hand underneath Alison’s shirt, touching her abdomen. Alison scooted closer to her. Emily slowly moved her fingers down against her dress pants. They were tight. Emily could feel her every curve.

Alison didn’t stop her, so Emily popped the button and slid the zipper down. Her fingers slipped down the front of her pelvis. She wasn’t wearing any underwear, which Emily had come to expect. Moving her fingers in between her pants and her folds was a tight fit, but it made Alison’s pleasure build very quickly.

Alison felt Emily slip her fingers inside and curl them deeply. It didn’t take long for her to reach her height. She hooked her thigh over Emily’s leg and pushed forward to get her to go deeper. She felt a tight pressure in her stomach. The second Emily’s palm hit her clit she fell over the edge.

She threw her head back and bit her lip as she moaned under her breath.

_Every time_. Emily smiled to herself as she watched Alison in the midst of her bliss. She knew how to get her there every time.

Alison closed her eyes and took several heaving breaths to curb the dizziness. When she stopped shaking she pressed an innocent kiss against Emily’s lips, holding it until she felt Emily pull her hand out of her pants.

Emily made sure Alison was watching as she brought her fingers up to her mouth and licked them clean. Without breaking eye contact Emily smirked at her.

“Great dessert. You should bake for me more often.”

Alison playfully swatted her and laughed. She moved in for another kiss. Emily surprised her by pulling her in for a full body hug. Alison pushed into it, snuggling against her broad chest.

Emily held her in her arms as Alison cuddled against her. She would take the snuggling as long as she could get it. She listened to the sound of Emily’s breaths as her chest gently rose and fell. She was quiet, in thought.

Alison moved her head back just enough to get a glimpse of her eyes.

“What’s on your mind?”

Emily had so much on her mind she didn’t know how to answer. Ever since she’d come back home all she’d been able to think about was her pain. She’d been running to try and escape her past for so long. The only thing that made sense to her was Alison. The only thing that made her feel safe was Alison. It was odd to know that someone was gunning to kill her, yet she was content to just stay in bed with Alison and hold her.

“I wish this was permanent,” Emily said.

“What do you mean? You mean…us?”

They’d been fucking like crazy for over a week and Emily was suddenly iffy on the prospect of their future?

“No.” Emily touched her cheek. “That’s a given.” Alison was her one constant in life. “I meant _this_.” Emily glanced around the cabin. “_This_. Us. Here.” She looked at Alison again. “Happiness.”

She’d never been this happy before. It felt so fleeting. She was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Why can’t it be forever?” Alison asked.

“I like burying this in sex as much as you do, but you know we can’t stay here forever.”

“Why not? I’m perfectly content letting you have your way with me like this for the rest of our lives.”

Emily would be perfectly content with that, too. She couldn’t get enough of Alison. But she hadn’t forgotten that they had a psychopath after them.

Or maybe they didn’t. Maybe he’d given up.

_Wishful thinking._

Now that he knew she was alive he wouldn’t stop until he found her. He liked watching her suffer. He liked seeing her in pain. Pain and suffering got him off.

She knew that sooner or later she was going to have to face him. She was going to have to kill him. The only other option was faking her death. It’s not like she hadn’t considered it. But that would mean leaving Alison behind. Because she couldn’t ask Alison to leave behind her life…her family. She couldn’t ask her to disappear with her. Alison had Jason. She had Aria and Spencer and Cece. She had people who depended on her. She had Hanna and Mona and Charles. She had her hotline. The very hotline that had saved Emily’s life.

“You have a life. You have friends. Family. You can’t just disappear. What about Lupo? He would be crushed.”

“He’d be a great road dog. He could be our guard dog.”

“He couldn’t guard a fence post.” Emily rolled her eyes. She kind of missed the large furry beast. “Has Aria said how he’s doing?”

“I don’t think Ellie and Holden are going to give him back without a fight. I’m sure they’d be happy to babysit him until we could send for him. I have plenty of money. We could build our own little place off the map somewhere.”

Money was no object. Everything had gone to Alison after her parents were killed. Even Jason’s trust had automatically deferred to her. Some of it had been used for his legal fees, but there was still a hefty sum left. He told her he didn’t want a dime of it. He wanted her to have it.

“It could just be you and me and our own little bed and breakfast.” Alison smiled at Emily.

It sounded so normal. Sometimes Emily forgot that Alison didn’t understand how much danger they were truly in. Alison trusted that Emily would protect her. But Emily had failed at protecting people before. She knew that even if they ran, if they hid, he would find them.

“We could be like Thelma and Louise.” Alison snuggled against her. “Us against the world.”

“You do realize they both died at the end of that movie, right?”

“Fine. I’ll be the Bonnie to your Clyde.”

“Also dead. What, are you going to say Romeo and Juliet next?”

“I’m trying to have a moment here with you, you idiot.”

Emily didn’t have to be told twice. She smiled at the blonde and moved her hand up against her face. She pushed her lips against Alison’s. They were warm and soft and inviting.

She could feel Alison’s body heat against hers and she was sure that nothing had ever felt more right. When she pulled away she took a moment to look at her, to admire her.

“As much as I love this, we can’t run for the rest of our lives.” Emily cupped her cheek.

Alison sighed.

“I know.”

“It’s not going to stop. He’s not going to stop.”

“But we can be here…in the moment, can’t we?” Alison laid her hand against Emily’s hip, her fingertips grazing her bare side. She could feel the rough edges of where her gunshot wound was scabbing over. “All we have is right now.”

Emily swallowed hard. Feeling Alison’s fingers against her tender skin made every hair on her body prickle. Her warmth seeped into Emily’s heart. Emily looked at Alison. It was like she was touching her soul.

She reached up, trying to ignore the tight ball of nerves in her stomach. Because she _did_ want to be with Alison in the moment. And she wanted more, but she was terrified of asking for it. She straightened Alison’s hair, pushing it away from her face. Her cheeks were still flushed from their encounter.

She looked down and saw Alison’s free hand curled close to her chest. Emily moved her hand down until their palms met, lacing their fingers together. The closeness of their bodies forced their hands snugly between them. She looked into Alison’s eyes, feeling a deep connection, a connection she had been terrified to let in.

She was afraid to let _anyone_ in, especially when it came to love. But the longer they spent at the cabin and the more that the shadow of danger started to loom over them, the more Emily realized the gravity of their situation. She realized that every time could be the last time. That’s why they’d been so frenzied in their lovemaking. And she knew that Alison was right. All they had was that very moment.

“You’re right.” Emily looked down at their linked fingers.

She’d kissed her fingers numerous times. She’d felt them against most of her body. _Most_. Not all. She knew how careful and kind those fingers were. She stared at Alison’s hand, realizing just how often her hands had been a place of comfort and safety.

Alison watched her curiously. She couldn’t tell what Emily was thinking. Sometimes she had quiet moments when she disappeared into her thoughts. She was soft-spoken and gentle. And there was a nervous flicker in her eyes, but the look on her face was one of determination.

“I want to do this,” Emily said softly.

“Do…” Alison wasn’t sure what she meant. “What? Disappear into the night together?”

Emily was trying to tell her that she wanted her…that she was ready. But she froze. Because sometimes her past was louder than her future. She subconsciously held Alison’s hand a little tighter, and she concentrated on the feel of Alison’s fingers against her side. It held her down. The weight of her pain was not nearly as strong as the gravity of Alison’s love. And that’s how she knew she was ready.

“I want to know what it feels like…” _I want you to fuck me. I want to feel you. Just fucking say it, you pussy._ “I want you…”

She wanted to experience it just once. She wanted to feel the same exhilaration she saw on Alison’s face every time they were together. She wanted to know that pure joy. She didn’t want every intimate touch to remind her of her past. She wanted a new future. A future where he didn’t have the power. She wanted Alison to feel every inch of her.

But instead of “fuck me”, something else came out,

“Make love to me,” she blurted out. _Jesus, I sound like SUCH a fucking girl…_

“What?”

Emily wasn’t sure she could say it again, so instead she leaned forward and kissed her. As their lips moved in tandem Emily moved Alison’s hand up to her breast. She pushed her palm down lightly so Alison was cupping her. She moved Alison’s other hand away from her side and down over her thigh, towards her pelvis.

She pulled back and peered into Alison’s eyes as they both caught their breath. She nervously licked her lips, her eyes flickering down as she pulled her hand away from Alison’s.

Alison’s body reacted almost instantly. She’d wanted Emily for so long. She stared at her hand against Emily’s bosom. Her fingers curled into Emily’s inner thigh. She could feel Emily’s heat through her clothing.

She looked at her and saw a soft vulnerability in her expression. Her eyes were dark and full. Her lips looked swollen, completely tantalizing. But then Alison thought about the fear and panic on her face the last time they’d tried. She’d seen the way Emily had instantly been transported back to her youth. She’d seen the moment it became less about her touch and more about what he’d done. She’d seen the terror on Emily’s face. And she didn’t want to see that again.

“Are you sure? The last time…”

“I wasn’t ready then.” Emily interrupted her. The longer Alison made her wait, the more she ached for her. Something about knowing they could die at any minute dulled her fears. “Alison, you’ve made me feel things I’ve never felt before…things that I didn’t know I was capable of feeling. If this was our last night on Earth I’d want to spend it with you, like this…”

She moved in for another kiss. Talking to her and sharing her feelings was more terrifying than the thought of letting Alison have all of her. It was easier for Emily to speak with actions. She gripped Alison’s side, trying to pull her closer as she rolled on to her back. She pulled Alison on top of her.

Emily moved her arms up over her head, pulling her shirt off and exposing her breasts before Alison could say a word. She moved her hand towards her pants. Alison placed her palm on top of Emily’s hand, slowly stopping her.

“I just want you to be sure. I want you to know you don’t have to prove anything to me. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this.”

Alison was just as nervous as Emily, maybe more-so. Because she didn’t want Emily to feel like she had to rush into this.

“I _want_ this.”

Alison moved her hand away and let Emily continue to undress herself. Emily slid her zipper down and pulled her pants down, kicking them off of her ankles. Alison watched her, marveling at her exposed body. Everything about her was beautiful. Her skin. Her tattoos. Even her scars.

Emily was hyperaware that Alison was watching. She moved her fingers away from her boxer briefs and pushed Alison’s shirt up. Alison obliged, helping her get the clothing off. She wasn’t wearing a bra. Neither of them had been sporting bras the entire time they’d been in hiding. There was no point.

She helped Alison get her pants off. Alison laid against her skin, their bodies molding together and giving off a warm spark that only happened when they were connected. Their ribs met, their breasts pressing together as they kissed.

Alison gently caressed her breasts and took in her heated sighs of pleasure. As Alison fondled her chest Emily reached down to grip her boxer briefs, her fingers slipping into the elastic band. She kept her eyes locked on Alison’s as she rolled them down her thighs.

Something about being able to take her own clothes off made her feel more powerful, more in control. It was _her_ choice. She was more determined. More confident.

Alison had seen her naked before, but this was different. Emily knew it was different. And she could feel that difference. She was exposed in a way that she’d never been before.

Alison hooked her thigh over Emily’s and their bodies grazed one another, their wetness already pooling, making each other’s skin slick. Alison moved her leg, gently pushing against Emily’s center. Emily responded by gripping the back of her neck and deepening their kiss.

Alison could feel Emily’s body trembling. She pulled back to make sure she was okay. Emily smiled at her and cupped her cheeks and pulled her back in to their embrace.

Alison kissed the side of her jaw and lined her neck with kisses. She gently nuzzled the soft spot behind her ear and sucked on her earlobe. She felt Emily cupping her breasts and she continued to nibble lightly against her neck. She bit down just hard enough to leave a red mark and then she soothed it with her tongue.

They took it slow, making sure to take their time with one another. It was a different kind of connection than all of the other sex they’d had. Their fingers explored every crevice and contour of each other’s body.

Alison was gentle. She was careful. She wanted Emily to know what true love actually felt like. She wanted Emily to feel as good as she had made her feel every time they’d been together.

She dipped down, keeping her gaze locked on Emily’s soft brown eyes as she kissed her way down her chest to her taut stomach. She peppered kisses down to her bellybutton, stopping to pay special attention to the jagged scar along her side. She had no idea if it was from overseas or if it had happened at home. A lot of her scars made Alison think twice now. She knew that some of them had been from her beatings at home. And she knew at least two that were self-inflicted.

She grasped Emily’s palm and kissed her knuckles. She let her lips linger against Emily’s hand and then moved to kiss the angry pink scar that was still healing on her wrist. She kissed her way up along the scar. And she tried to take Emily’s pain away. She tried to make her remember that she’d survived her scars.

Emily reached up with her other hand and raked her fingers through Alison’s hair. The motion forced Alison to stop and look at her. She was trying not to get too caught up and go too fast. She continued her descent along her body. She stopped when she reached the wetness coating her thighs.

Alison could smell her. It ignited a fire inside of her belly. She had wanted to taste the brunette for so long. She pressed a tender kiss against the inside of Emily’s thigh, glancing up to make sure she was still okay.

She didn’t seem like she was distressed, so Alison pushed her lips against the edge of Emily’s core. Emily jumped in surprise, but didn’t pull away. Alison’s nose brushed her clit. It sent a shockwave of pleasure through her body, something she’d rarely ever felt before.

Alison held Emily’s thighs down as she ran her tongue against her. She heard Emily gasp loudly and she pulled back.

Alison moved up and hovered over Emily’s body, slowly lowering herself on top of her. She held herself up with one arm and pressed a kiss against Emily’s lips. She slipped her hand in between Emily’s legs, but stopped when she reached her entrance. She looked into Emily’s eyes with a kind softness that made the brunette appreciate the depth of her love.

“Em…”

“I’m ready.” It was all she could say between their heated breaths as they exchanged kisses. “I trust you.”

“Keep your eyes on mine. I want to see you.” She wanted to make sure that she didn’t push her too far. She wanted to be able to see the emotion in their encounter. She wanted to be able to see if she got uncomfortable.

Emily felt her chest tightening, but she couldn’t tell if it was her arousal or the start of a panic attack. They were so close. And Emily wanted her so badly. She was practically grinding herself against Alison’s fingers.

Alison could sense her nerves, so she pulled her hand away from Emily’s center and gently took Emily’s hand in hers. She gripped Emily’s fingers and put them against her wrist and moved her hand back down between her thighs.

“You have control, sweetie. You tell me what you want.”

Emily nodded, kissing her eagerly. Part of her just wanted it over with. But the other part of her wanted to savor it, to let Alison make her feel the things she’d never had in life.

Emily moved her palm against the back of Alison’s hand and moved Alison’s fingers along her center, coating Alison in her wetness. Alison followed her prompts, moving as she moved and touching her in the way she wanted to be touched.

Emily stopped at her center, pushing Alison’s fingers to go further. Alison circled the sensitive flesh before she gently prodded forward. She kept her eyes on Emily’s as she pushed into her and pressed her thumb against Emily’s clit.

Emily wasn’t sure how to react at first. She wasn’t sure what she was feeling. Because she’d never felt it before. She’d never felt the gentle nature of someone who cared…who loved her. Alison didn’t move. She waited on Emily.

Emily snaked her arm up against Alison’s back and curled her fingernails into her skin as she rose up just enough to take control of their encounter with a heated kiss. She gently moved against Alison’s hand, trying to get used to the feel of her fingers.

She could feel her insides pulsing. Alison could feel it, too. And she wanted nothing more than to move, but she waited. She let Emily acclimate to the new feeling.

Emily could feel her body begging for more. She could feel a heat coursing through her veins. She felt beads of sweat dripping along her skin. Her muscles were aching in the best way. Her limbs felt like they were going numb.

She pulled back to take a breath and touched Alison’s face. She kept her eyes locked on Alison’s as she let go of her wrist. She let go of the control. It was terrifying. It was exhilarating. It was everything she’d never had, everything she never knew she was missing.

Alison immediately felt the shift in control. She felt Emily giving herself to her. She was tentative at first, and Emily could sense her resistance. And she realized it wasn’t just about her being okay with what Alison was doing. Alison had been intimidated, too. Because she didn’t want to hurt Emily.

Emily pulled Alison in for another kiss.

“I’m okay,” she said, assuring the blonde that they were fine…that she was fine.

Alison pulled her fingers back and then pushed forward again, curling them against places that hadn’t been touched yet. Emily felt a jolt rock her body. She felt it in the tips of her fingers. She moved with Alison’s motions, helping the two of them find a rhythm. Alison’s eyes never strayed from Emily’s. She saw a wave of pleasure washing over her.

Emily arched her neck and groaned. She had never known it could feel so overwhelmingly wonderful. She’d never known that it didn’t hurt.

She felt her breaths quickening, her breasts heaving against Alison’s chest, their bodies bouncing together. Emily started to feel dizzy, and it was getting harder for her to catch her breath.

She was torn between her pleasure and knowing that she couldn’t breathe properly. And for a brief moment she was thrust back to all the times she hadn’t been able to breathe when she was younger.

Alison saw the rising panic and she kissed her.

“Just look at me.” Alison gripped her cheek, their faces inches apart. “Focus on me. It’s just us, Em. It’s just you and me.” That fucking bastard couldn’t hurt her anymore.

Emily nodded and the panic slowly dissipated. The love she saw in Alison’s eyes grounded her. She was almost at her peak and she could feel herself teetering over the edge. It was terrifying, because it was new. Her body had never reacted this way before.

Alison used her hips to thrust forward, pushing her fingers deeper, her palm rubbing against Emily’s tightened bundle of nerves. She curled her fingers as she used her hips for force, bringing herself to her height as well.

A surprised gasp slipped from Emily’s lips and Alison swallowed it before pulling back to watch her face. Emily’s eyes stayed on Alison’s as her body fell into a natural state of bliss. Alison stroked her cheek as she came, letting her ride it out as she quietly let her own orgasm consume her. She circled Emily’s clit, sending aftershocks of pleasure through Emily. Alison leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Emily’s lips.

“I love you.” Alison pushed her forehead against Emily’s as she gently moved inside of her, helping her ride out the shock.

Emily’s cheeks reddened. She still wasn’t used to hearing the words. Before she could overthink it, Alison smiled at her.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say it back.” Alison lightly ghosted her lips over Emily’s.

She felt Emily gasp against her mouth as she held her fingers down against something inside of her that made her body stiffen and jerk in pleasure. Alison felt her breaths quicken as she came again.

She held her lips against Emily’s as Emily let go. All the tension she’d been holding on to was fading.

She felt Emily’s body twitch and then slowly start to relax. It took her several minutes to catch her breath. She couldn’t move at first. A fiery numbness took hold of her body. When she finally regained feeling in her arms she wrapped them around Alison and rolled forward, pushing Alison’s bare back against the mattress. She kissed her and pulled her into her chest, cradling her. She wanted to be close enough to feel her heart beating. She wanted to see if it felt like hers, which was fluttering wildly in her chest.

Emily closed her eyes and let herself get lost in Alison’s body. In her touch…her scent. Holding her close felt different now. The pheromones and endorphins had given her a high like no drugs or alcohol had ever given her. She felt something, and though she was sure of the feeling, the word got caught in her throat.

_Love_.

She pushed her chin against the top of Alison’s head and pressed kisses along the part in her hair. Alison smiled and kissed the top of her chest.

The room was silent. Alison could tell Emily was overwhelmed and wasn’t sure what to say. So she let the quiet intimacy speak for the both of them. They stayed entangled, just holding one another for nearly twenty minutes, neither of them uttering a word.

Emily was trying to understand the beauty of it. She was trying to understand the pleasure. She closed her eyes and tried to hold on to the feeling. It didn’t take away the entirety of her past pain, but she could see a ring of light around the darkness. Alison was her light.

Alison was the first person she’d ever let touch her. It had been the first time she’d been able to block out all the horrendous things in her past. She had let go of control and she had let herself feel. And it was starting to scare her, because she couldn’t stop it. Was that what love was supposed to feel like?

Alison pulled away from her tight embrace so she could look at her. She saw a flurry of emotions in her dark brown eyes.

“You okay?” Alison reached up and laid her palm against Emily’s sweat-soaked cheek.

“Yeah. I’m…it’s just…you were my first…”

“What?” Alison drew back in surprise. “I thought you’d been with other girls…”

“I have. I’ve fooled around a lot, but you’re the first person I’ve let touch me like that…since him…”

Alison could see her starting to shut down at the thought of it.

“You didn’t _let_ him do anything.” Alison reminded her, gently taking her hand. “That wasn’t your choice.” She stroked Emily’s cheek. “He didn’t take anything from you. It was yours to give and you didn’t give it to him.” What he’d done to her wasn’t sex. It was assault. “This…” She held her tightly. “_This_ is what it’s supposed to be like.”

Emily could see a spark in Alison’s eyes, a stubborn determination to do everything she could to erase all the painful reminders of her youth…to help her take ownership of her scars, the way she had with her tattoos.

“I know you feel like you’re in pieces, but to me you’ve always been whole.” Alison lifted Emily’s hand and kissed her knuckles.

Emily had been told all of this in therapy dozens of times, and logistically she knew that none of what had happened to her made her any less of a woman. But she’d never _felt_ it. Not until tonight.

Alison letting her own it and go at her own pace had taken some of the fear out of it. Knowing that she had control had helped her let go of that control. It had been a long time since she’d let her walls down. She didn’t realize the damage she was doing to herself by holding on to her emotions. She’d gotten so wrapped up in the world around her that it was easy to push it away.

She’d spent her entire life protecting other people. She’d forgotten about protecting herself. But she didn’t feel the need to stay guarded around Alison anymore. It wasn’t just about her patience and her understanding. It was about trusting her. It was about knowing that Alison would never do anything to hurt her. It was knowing that Alison would drop everything and run away with her if she asked her.

Alison saw the best version of her. Alison didn’t see the broken shards that she’d tried to piece back together. She saw a beautiful fragmented piece of colorful glass that let in the light and created a rainbow of scattered colors that brightened the world.

But Alison had gotten one thing wrong.

“You’re wrong,” Emily said softly. Alison looked at her curiously as Emily moved forward to brush her lips against her forehead. “I wasn’t complete until I met you.”

Alison had given her more than hope. She’d given her a life. She’d given her something worth fighting for.

And Emily knew she was going to have to fight for it. But in that particular moment all she wanted to do was forget the impending doom and hold her girlfriend. So that’s what she did. She held her. She caressed her. She loved her. They snuggled and drank the hot cider that Alison had made.

Emily savored it. She opened herself up to Alison in ways she hadn’t before. The blonde’s touch had always had a way to her heart…a healing element. She’d felt it the night they met. But she’d never been able to completely let her in.

Now that she’d opened up and latched on, Emily didn’t want to ever let her go.

* * *

**A/N: ** _Trust, consent, and control go a long way. I know it took a long time for them to get there, but I wanted to build on the importance of the time it takes for abuse survivors to get into a mentality in which they are ready. Obviously, it’s different for everyone, but I’ve found from talking to people who have survived that the most crucial part of being intimate is being mentally ready, and moving forward with a partner who understands their needs._

_In a way, this chapter was one of the hardest ones to do, because I wanted to try and get the sensitivity of it right. It was also a really fun chapter to do because of their playful moments. And Shana and the Vermont thing._


	18. The Wounds of Time

* * *

**Chapter 18:**

**The Wounds of Time**

As the days passed Emily’s anxiety started to get the better of her. She checked in with Caleb every day to see if there was any news. The only news he had was that Peter was still on a ventilator with no change in his condition. It wasn’t looking good for him.

It made Emily’s heart hurt for his little girl. She hoped the kid was okay. She remembered how hard Samara had clutched her hand on the way to the hospital. And the way she’d cried when her aunt called out for her in the waiting room. It had sparked memories of her own childhood.

After Emily’s dad had been killed her entire family had been hauled off to the hospital. The doctors had examined her. And the police tried to talk to her, but she’d refused to say a word. She had gone silent for nearly a month.

The first words she’d said had been to her big brother. It hadn’t been anything groundbreaking or important. She’d just walked into the kitchen one day at lunch and sat down at the table. Ethan had been eating a grilled cheese sandwich. She’d stared at it and then looked at him with her big brown eyes and quietly asked,

_“Can I have a bite?”_

He’d been so shocked to hear his little sister talking again that he’d given her the whole sandwich. He didn’t pressure her to say anything else. After she finished eating he took her outside to play on the swing set. They’d started talking about Kool-Aide and what their favorite flavors were. He’d gotten a piece of Emily back that day, though she never was the same kid she was before the shooting.

Ethan never asked her to talk about what happened to their father. He just made her life as normal as he possibly could.

Emily thought a lot about her brother while she and Alison were cooped up in the cabin. Being secluded brought back a lot of memories for her.

Bouncing around from place to place had become her new normal after she’d run away from home with her brother.

The first few weeks after Ellie’s death had been rough. They’d been terrified he would track them down. They’d paid for everything with the cash they had saved up. They stayed on the run, never staying in one place for more than one night.

Emily’s cuts and bruises from the fight had been pretty bad. Her fingers were swollen from where she’d broken her nails trying to get out of the closet. She’d clawed at the wood so much that her skin was sloughing off. She’d had a large gash on her temple from where he’d smashed a lamp over her head. She’d also had a concussion and a black eye.

They had no way of knowing at the time, but she’d had a fractured rib from where he’d hit her with the fireplace poker. It had left a large gash in her side that had gotten infected. She’d had a fever for two days. Ethan just kept dousing it in alcohol and cleaning it, hoping it would get better.

Emily remembered trying to concentrate on the physical pain to forget her emotional pain. The mental pain that had been inflicted upon her was worse. Because she’d watched what happened to Ellie without being able to do a damn thing about it. Her little sister had begged for Emily and Ethan in her last moments. Emily would never forget it. She’d never forgive herself for not being able to save her.

Emily had blocked a lot of their time on the run out of her mind. It was too painful to open up those memories. But she remembered bits and pieces. She remembered being sick. She remembered Ethan gently cleaning the gashes on her cheek and bandaging her hands. She remembered him holding her hair back when she puked. And she remembered him talking her down from a panic attack in a motel bathroom two weeks after Ellie’s death.

Emily had been jolted awake one night, hearing her sister’s screams. She had seen the room closing in around her and had stumbled into the bathroom. Ethan had heard her sobbing minutes later.

When he’d walked in he’d found her sitting on the floor with his pocketknife. She was holding the blade in her palm and was squeezing it so hard that her hand was bleeding from the pressure.

_“Emily, what the fuck…” _

_“He killed her, Ethan.”_ She’d sobbed, unable to breathe. _“He tortured her. She was in pain. She was afraid.”_

_“Give me the knife.”_

He’d quickly moved to his knees to get to Emily’s level. He’d grabbed her fingers and tried to pry her hand open. She had a hell of a grip on the blade.

_“Hey, look at me.” _He’d firmly grabbed her chin. When she saw her brother’s eyes she started to let reality back in. _“Let go.”_

Emily opened her fingers and dropped the bloody knife to the floor. Ethan quickly moved it out of her reach and grabbed her hand to see how bad the cuts were. Fresh blood was dripping down her hand on to her wrist, flowing in several little streams against her skin. Before he could get a better look, Emily leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him, crying into his chest. He could feel her shaking. She held her injured hand out behind his back, her blood dripping against the tile floor.

_“He fucking killed her.” _

Ethan held her tightly. He could only imagine what Emily had seen. He’d gotten home after it had happened. He’d heard Emily screaming and had gone straight to help her. It was only after Emily went to attack their stepfather that he’d seen Ellie’s body. She’d been dragged into the living room, where he was watching TV with a beer in his hand. He’d just left the little girl lying there like a discarded piece of trash.

_“I couldn’t protect her.”_

_“No, it wasn’t your fault.” _

_“She didn’t do anything wrong.”_

_“None of us did. None of this is our fault. You know that.” _

_“This feels like it’s never going to go away. This pain feels like it’s in my veins. It’s in my veins and I can’t get it out. It itches and it hurts and I feel like clawing through my skin to get to it. But I could bleed myself dry and it would still be there. I know it would.” _

_“It’s okay, Em. You’re going to be okay. We are going to be okay.”_

_“You were right. We should have left. She would have been safe if we ran.” _

_“Or he would have caught us and it would have been ten times worse. She’s gone. We can’t change that. But you and I…we’re still alive.”_

It was a comment that shouldn’t have made her angry, yet it infuriated her. Because they weren’t the only ones still alive.

_“I want him dead.” _She growled under her breath. _“I want him to suffer like she suffered…like WE suffered.”_

_“One thing at a time.”_ Ethan helped her up. She sat against the edge of the rusty old tub while he grabbed a first aid kit.

Emily’s tears had dried. She had a rigid angry look on her face, like she was resolute in her threat to kill him without a second thought.

_“We can’t let him get away with this.”_ Emily stared at her brother as he assessed the damage to her hand.

_“We won’t. But we have to be smart. He knows what he’s doing. He could kill us, too, and make it seem like we just disappeared.”_

_“I don’t care if he comes after me. Let him. I’ll fucking take him with me.”_

_“No.”_ For the first time in weeks, Ethan snapped at her. _“I won’t lose you, too. Do you understand me?”_

Emily didn’t answer.

_“God damn it, Emily. I swear to God if you do something reckless…”_

Emily saw fear in her brother’s eyes, and it scared her. Because her big brother was fearless. She realized she was being selfish for even considering a suicide mission.

_“I won’t.”_ She interrupted him. _“I wasn’t thinking.” _

Ethan nodded in understanding.

_“It’s okay. We’ve been through a lot.” _

_“How are you so calm?”_

_“Because I don’t have the luxury of falling apart.”_ He knew his sister needed him. He forced a pained smile on his face. _“Only one of us can break down at a time.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t be. Just make me a promise that when I do finally crash…you’ll be there.” _He applied an antibiotic salve to the cuts on her palm and fingers. _“Don’t ever leave me.” _

_“I promise.”_ There was a quiet pause. _“What are we going to do, Ethan?”_

_“What we always do. Survive. We can only move forward.”_ He gently rolled a gauze bandage around her hand._ “What do you say, kid? You and me against the world.” _

_“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” _

Ethan had forced her to go lie down while he cleaned up the blood. He knew they had to keep moving. They would be leaving in the morning. And the last thing they needed was for someone to discover the blood and contact the police.

After he’d finished he went to check on Emily. She was in the bed furthest away from the door, curled up on her side staring off into space.

Ethan had rustled through his things for a vial of antibiotics he’d gotten from one of his old coworkers. After Emily’s first infection he didn’t want her to go through anything like that again. So he’d bought a few different prescriptions off of his buddy.

He gave her a capsule and a glass of water and told her to take it. She sat up and did what she was told.

He put the pills away and dug some snacks out of his bag.

_“Eat.”_ He’d tossed a bag of chips and package of little chocolate cakes at her.

_“You’re not even going to read me the chef’s specials?” _

_“Just eat your fucking expired Ho Hos, smartass.”_

_“How can I resist the pitch for that five star meal?”_ She’d popped open the bag of chips.

_“Shut up.”_ He’d laughed, sitting on the twin bed next to hers.

She’d opened the plastic wrap with the little cakes inside and gave him one. They’d tapped their desserts together like they were toasting with glasses and then took a bite.

Emily still remembered how stale and dry they had been. They’d forced the food down.

_“Next time I’ll spring for the Vienna sausages. Everyone knows they don’t go bad.” _He’d made a face.

They’d finished up their snacks. Emily had lied down in her bed. Ethan had never seen her look so defeated. He would carry the guilt he felt until his dying day. He stared at her, not knowing how to help her.

_“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”_

_“It wouldn’t have done any good.”_ She’d blinked back tears. _“He would have just hurt you, too.” _

She could have lost both her siblings that day. In a sense, she was glad Ethan hadn’t seen what she’d seen. She was glad he didn’t have to bear the weight of the scars she had on her heart…the trauma she would carry forever.

She sniffled. Her nose was stuffed up from crying. She looked at her brother.

_“Why did this happen to us?”_

The question broke his heart. He didn’t have an answer.

_“I don’t know.” _

They’d laid in their beds that night, exhausted and heartbroken. Neither one of them spoke for almost an hour. It was Ethan who finally broke the silence. He’d rolled over to face his sister to see if she was still awake. She was peering back at him. Seeing her in pain made him irate. Her pain was one of the few things in the world that could set him off, because he’d seen it so often. It had become a trigger for him. It unleashed a murderous rage.

_“What he did…”_ He spoke with an eerie calmness. _“He deserves the worst imaginable pain that could be inflicted on him. One day we’ll come back. And we’ll destroy him. We’ll skin him alive. He’ll get what’s coming to him. We’re going to get him. I promise.” _

Emily nodded. She believed him. She believed that a reckoning would come, and they would be the ones to bring hell on Earth down on his head.

The way Ethan spoke to her about it showcased a side of him that she rarely saw. His vulnerabilities were right below the surface, but he kept them at bay…for her.

That was the night that Emily had promised herself she wouldn’t ever fall apart again. She didn’t want Ethan to have to take care of her. She knew they wouldn’t get through it without one another. So she’d started suppressing everything, burying it inside.

She’d channeled her pain into constructive things. She’d used her turmoil as a way to survive boot camp with her brother. She’d held on to her anger to serve as a source of rage when she was on the battlefield. It had served her well. It had shaped her, molded her.

Eventually, they found their calling and had no desire to go back. The pain stayed at a manageable distance.

But pain never stayed buried forever.

Her pain had come back the night she’d tried to assault Alison. All the dark little corners of her mind had suddenly burst open, sending her trauma firing through her brain. It had cracked her open and bled her dry. Literally. She was still trying to come back from it.

Pain was a strange thing. The harder someone held on to it, the deeper it cut. And like Ethan’s knife, she’d gripped it so hard without even realizing it. And it had sliced her to the bone.

Sometimes she felt the darkness closing in on her and all she could see was the bad things she’d done. Other times, her mind felt split between two worlds, the heaviness of her past and the spark of light that Alison provided in her present. Her head and her heart were in a constant battle.

Alison could see Emily fighting her way through the smog on the battlefield every time she looked into her eyes. She knew how much Emily struggled. She could feel it. And Emily didn’t try to hide it. She wasn’t afraid of letting her in anymore.

That morning was no different. Alison looked over at Emily and she saw the deep conflicting agony of her living nightmares. Alison knew there wasn’t much she could do...except be there for her.

“What are you thinking about, Em?” Alison ran her fingers through her long dark locks.

Emily turned to face her. She appreciated the quiet moments they had together among the loud chaos in her head. They were on the couch drinking their morning coffee, a blanket draped over their shoulders.

Alison was in a silk robe that Shana had picked up on a trip into the city. Emily was in a pair of old sweats she’d grabbed at the motel before they left town. Shana had gotten her some clothes, too, but Emily didn’t feel comfortable in them.

It had been six days since Emily had let Alison take control in the bedroom. Giving herself to the blonde so fully had opened something up inside of her. The feelings that had surfaced had scared the hell out of her. But at the same time, it had been liberating. She had never let herself be vulnerable before. It was hard to do.

“Hey…” Alison touched her cheek. “You okay?”

Alison was still careful about how and when she touched her. Even though she was breaking down some of her walls, she knew they had a long way to go.

“I’m fine. Sorry. Just…lost in your eyes.” Emily gave her an innocent kiss on the lips.

“You’re cute, but trying to distract me won’t work. You can’t hide what’s going on inside of that head of yours from me. Not anymore.” Alison lightly touched the tip of Emily’s nose with her index finger. “You look tired.” Alison laid her temple against Emily’s, turning just enough so they could see one another. “You’ve been taking your meds, right?”

“Yeah. I’ve just had a little trouble sleeping the past few nights.”

“I told you to wake me if you were having bad dreams.”

“And I told you that was stupid. There is no reason for _both_ of us to lose sleep.”

“You’re a pain in the ass.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“Maybe I like watching you sleep.” Emily put her hand against Alison’s knee and smiled at her.

“That’s creepy.” Alison scrunched her nose up in disapproval.

Emily saw a tiny smile she was trying to contain. It was really cute when Alison tried to exude a serious tone. She was like a tiny dog trying to act like a big badass.

“You drool sometimes.” Emily pressed her fingers against Alison’s knee, squeezing until the blonde giggled.

Emily knew exactly where she was ticklish and she used it against her on a daily basis.

“Shut up. I do not.”

“You do.” Emily grinned. “You get like this little dribble…” She traced her index finger from the curve of her lip down the side of her jaw.

Alison’s face turned red. Sometimes she wasn’t sure if Emily realized the kind of power that she had over her. It was one of the strongest feelings in the world.

Alison leaned forward and kissed her. She pulled back, her lips lingering over Emily’s.

“Wake me up next time. Maybe that’s not the only place I’m dripping from. And maybe you can do more than just stare at me,” she said suggestively.

“You mean you’re not tired of me yet?”

Alison took her hand, stroking her fingers. Her fingers were like magic. She loved them.

“Never.” She kissed her fingertips.

Emily wrapped the blanket around them. Alison pushed herself closer to Emily’s warm embrace.

“This is so weird.” Emily craned her head back and looked up at the ceiling.

“What?”

“Happiness.” Emily slowly dropped her gaze and peered at Alison. “It’s never lasted in my life. The last time I was happy…when I was _truly_ happy was the day I watched my brother get his karate belt. My dad had me in his lap and he kept tickling me and my mom kept shushing us both and telling us not to be disrespectful to the little munchkins running around and kicking each other.”

She smiled softly. The memory seemed so distant. She’d been buried in so many bad memories that she’d lost some of the better ones.

“Dad told me that we’d better not bring dishonor to my mom…or she wouldn’t let us go out to eat at our favorite restaurant.” She sighed. “Sometimes I wish I had misbehaved or something and we never would have gone to that restaurant. My dad would still be alive. They’d all still be alive.”

Except Ellie. She only existed because of what happened to Emily’s father. She was the only good thing that had come out of that terrible time.

“That’s not how it works.”

“I know, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering how different my life would have been if we hadn’t gone out to eat that night.” She looked at Alison and smiled. “But then I never would have ended up on the path that led me to you. Not saying it was the best path, but…we’re here. And I wouldn’t change that.”

“It was a hell of a hike for you to get here. And I think about that every day. I know how much of a struggle it’s been for you. I know that you fight battles every day that you don’t tell me about. I also know that you keep fighting because of us. I want you to know that I am always here if you need someone to lighten the load.”

Emily smiled. The blonde cared so much, and it meant more than she could ever possibly know.

“It’s funny. I’ve spent my entire life facing some of the scariest shit in the world, but nothing has ever scared me more than this, more than _us_…” She took a thoughtful breath. “Being here with you…like this…it’s terrifying.”

“Why?”

“Just knowing why we’re really here.”

“It doesn’t matter what drove us here. We’re here.”

“I know. But part of me feels like it’s really fucked up to enjoy this…because I’m afraid I’m going to lose it when he finds us.”

“_If_ he finds us.”

“It’s _when_. Believe me.” She slunk down against the sofa. “I know things about him that he doesn’t want anyone else to find out. And he’ll destroy the entire world to make sure I don’t get that chance.”

“Look around. The world is still here.”

“For now.”

“Sooner or later we’re going to figure something out and he’ll end up behind bars or six feet under.” She clenched her jaw, thinking of the things he had done. “Preferably six feet under.”

Emily’s expression softened. Knowing that Alison would go to the ends of the earth for her made her feel like she could take on the world.

“You’re hot when you’re mad.”

“I must be fucking smoking right now then.” Alison uttered dryly. “It’s only a matter of time. We’ll get him, Em.”

“I hope so.”

“What does Caleb say?” Alison questioned.

“Not much.” Emily took a sip of coffee and put the mug down.

“Gee, I can’t imagine what it’s like to have someone in your life who only communicates with monosyllabic expressions.” Alison poked her teasingly.

Emily smiled. Alison made her smile. It was just so _her_.

“He’s not saying much because he doesn’t know anything. The trail is cold, which means he’s probably not in town anymore. He’s planning his next move.”

It made her shudder. Alison moved closer to her, though she didn’t mistake Emily’s shivering for her being cold. She knew what was really shaking her to her core.

Alison linked her arms around Emily’s bicep and laid her head against her shoulder.

“We’re going to be okay.” She kissed her shoulder.

_“We’re going to be okay.”_ Ethan had promised the same thing.

It was painful to hear. But Emily just smiled appreciatively at Alison.

Emily laid her cheek against the top of Alison’s head. They sat in silence for a while. They were both exhausted. They’d gotten used to being together in little moments of comfortable silence.

Emily lifted her head and moved the blanket down. She’d been sitting for too long and her body was starting to feel stiff. She stood up to stretch.

“I’m going to whip up some breakfast. Any requests?”

“I think the kitchen is pretty bare, so whatever you feel like making.” Alison moved to get to her feet. “Shana is bringing some groceries by. I’m going to hop in the shower before she gets here. Make whatever you want to make.” Alison smiled, grabbing the tie on her robe. “Unless you want to join me instead.”

The offer was beyond enticing. But Emily’s mind was going a million miles a minute. She couldn’t stop thinking about the pact she’d made with her brother. She couldn’t stop worrying about the future.

“I…need to think right now.”

She hated herself for saying no, but Alison understood.

“Just as well. If we hit that shower wall one more time it’s probably going to bust open.”

Emily chuckled under her breath as she watched the blonde saunter off. She really loved staring at her ass as she walked away from her, and Alison knew it.

Emily took a quick walk around the cabin to get some fresh air, and to make sure the perimeter was secure. Then she went into the kitchen to scramble some eggs and make the last of the bacon. Just as she was finishing up the bacon she saw Shana’s car pulling up the driveway.

Shana stepped out of her car. She waved when she saw Emily watching from the window. Emily waved back and walked towards the side door. She opened it up as Shana started climbing the steps to the porch. She had four reusable grocery bags in her hands. She was doing her best to keep her balance.

“Here, let me help with that.” Emily stepped forward. She reached out to take some of the groceries from her.

Emily’s arm bumped against something firm on Shana’s side. Shana discreetly tried to pull back. Emily noticed her tense stance. She had a strange feeling wash over her. She saw something register on Shana’s face, but she couldn’t quite tell what it was. But it was enough to keep Emily from turning her back to her. She stepped aside and motioned Shana inside.

“After you.” Emily forced out a smile.

Something was wrong. Shana was hiding something.

“Thanks.” Shana walked through the door, watching Emily out of the corner of her eye.

Emily shut the door behind them, watching Shana’s every move. She’d developed a sense of survival when she was in combat. She could always tell when there was something lurking in the shadows, like an animal of prey who knew when a predator was around.

But Shana was Alison’s friend. Shana didn’t know anything about Emily until Alison had called her two weeks ago. What danger could she possibly pose?

Shana could feel the tension in the air. She didn’t like the way Emily was looking at her.

“Where’s Alison?” Shana looked around curiously.

“Showering. She felt the compulsive need to be clean…” _aka, wash away the stench of sex._

Emily put the bags on the counter. Shana turned to the side and did the same. Emily stared at her hip. She knew exactly what she’d bumped up against that had Shana so nervous.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt breakfast.” Shana glanced at the food Emily had prepared. She laughed, though it sounded more like a nervous chuckle than a sincere laugh. “You know, Jason used to make these little devil faces out of the bacon, eggs, and pancakes we had every summer. He loved being inappropriate. Alison and I thought it was hilarious…”

Emily had stopped listening the second she realized what Shana was hiding. Shana looked up and saw Emily staring at her. She subconsciously moved her hand towards her side.

Emily purposefully knocked a jar of tomato sauce to the floor.

“Sorry.” Emily tried to stay cool. “I’ve been a little off my game. Haven’t been sleeping much.”

“I can imagine why.” Shana leaned over to pick the jar up. “You and Ali have been through a lot. And with your stepfather still out there…”

That was all Emily needed to hear. She hadn’t told Shana _who_ was after them when they met. No one had been privy to that information.

Shana realized she’d made a mistake the second she’d taken her eyes off of Emily. The brunette had trust issues. She _knew_ what Emily had gone through. But it was too late for her to say anything, because by the time she was upright with the jar Emily was already ripping her side arm away from her.

Emily’s face was a solid expression of resolve. She steadied Shana’s gun and aimed it at her before Shana had a chance to react.

“What are you really doing here?”

“I can explain everything. Just put the gun down. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

She knew the dangers associated with PTSD. She knew that if Emily snapped when she was holding a weapon it could end in disaster.

Shana calmly put her hands where Emily could see them.

“This is not what you think.” She slowly started to turn her back towards her.

“What are you doing?” Emily kept the gun trained on her.

“Reach into my left back pocket. It’s where I keep my badge.”

“Badge? In what? Forestry and gardening? Amish Butter Making?”

“I’m FBI.”

Emily tightened her grip on the gun as she let the words process. Why was there an FBI agent standing in Alison’s family’s cabin? And how did she know about Emily’s home life?

“You’re a fucking cop?”

“I’m a fucking _fed_.” Shana corrected her. “Alison knew you wouldn’t let me help if you knew the truth.”

“She went behind my back?”

Emily wasn’t sure how to feel. She understood the urge to protect someone you loved, but she felt like she’d been deceived. She’d shared everything with Alison. She’d let her in. And the whole time, Alison was talking to the cops behind her back.

“Not initially. It didn’t start out like that.” Shana tried to get her to lower the weapon.

Emily followed her motions. She watched her carefully as she pulled her badge out to show it to her. Emily nodded and pointed the weapon towards the ground.

“I didn’t know anything about any of this. When Alison called me for help she just said the two of you were in trouble…that someone was after you. After I talked to you the night we met your story registered in my mind for some reason. And it hit me. I remembered reading about a case in law school about a family of siblings. The youngest was killed and the other two ran away. They never used names, but when we met I knew it was you. It was just a gut feeling.”

She saw the skeptical look on Emily’s face.

“You can trust me, Emily. We’re after the same man. I know what he did to you…to your brother and sister.”

Emily felt a sting of betrayal. She had told Alison about her family in confidence. She didn’t want her blabbing to complete strangers, _especially_ not one with a badge and a gun.

“I know he killed your sister,” Shana said. “And I think he might be after you because you know what really happened…”

“What did Alison tell you?”

“Same thing you told me. He’s after you. And now he’s after her, too. I only figured out who _he_ was after I did a little digging. I got my hands on some files to try and confirm my suspicions about what really happened.”

“Which is what, exactly?”

“He killed her, didn’t he? And you saw it happen.” Shana had seen it in Emily’s eyes the night they met. She had seen that look of pain before many times on the job. “That’s why you and your brother took off. You told me you were army and that you didn’t normally run from things. So…something terrible must have forced you on the run in the first place. I think he abused the three of you. And I think he took it too far with your little sister one day. And you saw it happen.”

She looked at the gun, which Emily was still clutching tightly. She nervously wet her lips, her eyes locked on the weapon.

“I’m just trying to help.”

Emily sighed. After a moment of hesitation she reached out to give Shana her gun back. She had trouble letting it go. She loosened her grip and Shana took the weapon back, holstering it before Alison could walk in and freak out.

“Alison wasn’t lying. I am here for you two,” Shana said.

She wanted to reach out and touch Emily’s arm, but she could see by her body language that she didn’t want to be touched.

“She shouldn’t have involved you.” Emily stared at the ground, a cold look in her eyes.

A part of her, a large vengeful part, was disappointed that Shana knew. Because if the FBI got involved she couldn’t torture him and kill him like she wanted to do. If they took him alive she would be forced to stare at his face every day in court. She would have to relive everything, over and over. She wasn’t sure she could survive that. Because she wouldn’t have a choice. She’d be the star witness.

“He won’t get away with it,” Shana said softly.

“He already has.” Emily was still staring at the floor. She was afraid if she looked anywhere else she would lose control. “If he finds out you know he’ll just kill you, too.”

“I’m aware of the risks…”

“Oh, really?” Emily finally peeled her eyes away from the ground. “And what about your wife?”

“She knows what I do is dangerous.”

“So…all that shit about the bed and breakfast and getting married in Vermont…”

“That’s all true. We do the B&B on our off time, because it’s nice to have something that’s _ours_, you know?”

“You’ve really known Alison since she was three?” Emily questioned skeptically.

“I have.”

“All that stuff about calling her parents out on their bullshit?”

“It’s how I wound up doing this.” Shana laughed. “Jason told me that day that I was a fearless little shit and that I’d make a great cop. He was teasing, but it always stuck with me. We were close. I know everything about that family. _Everything._” Her tone changed. And Emily knew why. “You think I don’t know the truth about Jason and Alison and what happened to their parents?”

Emily clammed up. She had no intention of saying anything that could incriminate Alison and her brother.

“Relax. It’s not a set up.” Shana saw the look on her face. “There is no wire. This is just you and me talking. All I’m trying to do is prove to you that I’m not a threat. They are like family to me. Family protects family. And that extends to you given the way Alison feels about you…and the way you feel about her.”

“You don’t know anything about the way I feel.” The reaction had been a reflex. When people got too close her knee-jerk response was always defensive.

She felt like shit the second she said it. Shana wasn’t deterred by her hostility. She’d expected it. She knew Emily felt backed into a corner. She understood.

“I know that Alison is important to you.”

“I’m probably the worst thing in the world that could have happened to her. And you want to _help_ me?”

“The fact that you told me to prioritize her over everything else told me all I needed to know about you. It also serves as a reminder that you’re not the only one in danger. You have to remember that he’s not just after you. If you want Alison safe you’ll let me help you.”

Emily knew Shana was right. But she was torn, because she didn’t trust Shana…and she was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that Alison had broken her trust. Emily pinched the bridge of her nose and pressed her lips into a tight thin line. She dropped her hand and then stared at Shana.

“Alison’s safety is the most important thing here.” She glanced at the breakfast she’d made. “I’ll do whatever you want. Just…give me some time to digest this.”

“Of course.”

“I’m going to check on Ali. You can help yourself to a plate if you’re hungry.” Emily motioned to the food. “I have a feeling we’ve got a lot to talk about.”

“Take your time.”

Emily made her way to the main bedroom. She could hear Alison flittering around. She stopped in the doorway and peeked in, watching as Alison went back and forth trying to pick a top to wear.

Only Alison DiLaurentis could be on the run from a psychopath and fret over what to wear to a casual breakfast. It was cute, and it made Emily smile, but it didn’t curb her anger.

Alison pulled her shirt on just as Emily was opening the door. Alison smiled when she saw her.

“Hey. I heard voices downstairs. Shana must be here already.”

“Yeah. About that…” She moved forward and closed the door.

Alison looked at her in concern.

“Everything okay?”

“You lied to me.” Emily glared angrily at the blonde, though it was hard to be mad at her, because Emily had lied to her so much. “About Shana.”

“Oh.” Alison’s face dropped. “Em…I…” She wasn’t sure what to say. She knew how much betrayal hurt Emily. “I was just trying to help. And it’s not like we can’t trust her.”

“It’s not about that.” Emily felt herself tearing up, though she didn’t know why. Anger. Frustration. Exhaustion. “You want me to be honest with you…about me, about my life…about everything. You get pissed at me for keeping secrets and not telling you the truth. And then you do the exact same thing. You hire hitmen and bring in the _feds_. You can’t hide this kind of thing from me.”

“Would you have accepted her help if I had told you?”

“We could have talked about it. We could have figured it out together. That’s…that’s what this is. That’s what _we_ are, right?”

“I’m sorry, okay? But it’s not like you haven’t had your fair share of secrets.”

“You _know_ how hard trust is for me. You know how important it is to me…”

“I do. But what’s important to _me_ is that you don’t get yourself killed. I can’t go through it again, Em.” Her eyes were brimming with tears. Emily could see the pain in them, pain that existed because of her. “I’m already struggling as it is.”

Emily opened her mouth to reply, but she wasn’t sure what to say. Because Alison was right. She had put her through an unspeakable amount of anguish. Even though it had been her life on the line both times, Alison had suffered just as much…if not more. Because Alison had been aware of everything that was happening. She had watched her face turn blue under the bridge. She had seen her bleeding to death in the motel. Emily had put Alison through her own battlefield of hell. And when she looked into Alison’s teary blue eyes Emily realized that she wasn’t the only soldier standing in the room.

Alison had fought for her. She had saved her life more than once. Their relationship dynamic was taking a little bit of getting used to. Even though Emily was used to diving headfirst into danger, she had the blonde to think about now.

“I should have known that.” Emily sat against the edge of the bed. “I should have realized…” She looked up. Alison sat down next to her. “This is all new to me. I’m still trying to figure out how to do this…how to be part of a unit that isn’t bonded together by death. It was different overseas. It was even different with my brother and sister. This is…” _Love_._ You love her. Just say it._ “It’s just different.”

“I know.” Alison put her palm on Emily’s knee. Their eyes met. “But you trust me, right?”

“More than anyone.”

“Then let’s go talk to Shana.”

Emily exhaled a frustrated breath. The number of people involved was starting to make her uncomfortable. But only because she didn’t want anyone else to get hurt.

“Fine.” Emily stood up. She helped Alison to her feet. “You know, I look forward to the day when we don’t have any more secrets.”

“Why? What else are you holding back? Are you secretly married? Who is this girl? I will fight her.” Alison threatened. She had a tiny smirk on her face.

Emily smiled. It was impossible to stay angry at her.

She followed Alison’s lead. She buried her fears, and she thought about her promise to her brother. There was a very dangerous man out there, and she needed to do whatever it took to take him down.

They walked into the kitchen to find that Shana had loaded three plates full of food and set the table for them. She’d poured orange juice into a pitcher and put it in the center of the table. She’d put most of the groceries away. Shana glanced at them.

“That didn’t take as long as I thought. At the very least I assumed you’d bang one out to make up,” Shana said with a casual shrug.

“We’re saving it for later.” Alison replied dryly. “What’s with the Martha Stewart act? You do realize you’re not our maid? You didn’t have to go all out.”

“Yeah, especially considering I tried to kill you ten minutes ago.” Emily walked towards the table.

“You did what?” Alison faced Emily in disbelief.

“I may have pulled a gun on her.”

“What?”

“She didn’t shoot me. It’s all good. Water under the bridge.”

“I saw her gun and assumed the worst. Pulling weapons on people in the kitchen is kind of what I do.” Though pulling a knife on Alison wasn’t nearly as dangerous as pulling Shana’s gun on her. She looked at Shana. “It’s how I say ‘hello’. Welcome to the club. Thanks for finishing up in here. You really didn’t have to.”

“Side effects of running a bed and breakfast. Can’t turn it off.” Shana put a plate of toast down. “Besides, I know we’ve got a lot to talk about. Might as well do it with food.”

Alison looked at Shana and then at Emily. She felt like she was in _The Twilight Zone_. Emily pulled a chair out for Alison and motioned for her to sit down.

“I can’t believe you pulled a gun on our guest.” Alison frowned at Emily as she sat down.

“_Guest_?” Shana scoffed. “Girl, I’ve seen your ass flapping in the breeze out the window of a Rolls Royce going 90 down the interstate. I think we’re beyond ‘guest’ at this point.”

Emily lifted her brows in intrigue.

“You know what?” Alison faced Emily. “You should have shot her.”

“Maybe next time.”

“Funny. You two are funny.” Shana rolled her eyes.

“Don’t bring a gun to an Emily fight.” Alison shrugged.

“Or a knife. Or a fist. Or...anything really. I’ve got a terrible habit of going feral on people.” Emily frowned.

“To be fair, you two are running from a psychopath.” Shana stepped up to defend Emily.

“Right.” Emily nodded, taking a seat next to Alison. She faced Shana. “What do I have to do to get you to blow his head off?”

“Can we at least break bread before we start with the murder talk?” Alison looked at Emily. “I get that this is important, but I’m hungry. And if you’re going to keep jumping my bones every five minutes and draining every ounce of my bodily fluid, I need to refuel.”

Shana lowered her head and laughed. Emily looked at her, slackjawed and smiling.

“I can’t believe you’re giving me shit about pulling a gun on her and you’re out here spilling our sex life in front of her like some uncultured streetwalker.” Emily gave Alison a hard time.

“Jesus, you two are perfect for one another.” Shana shook her head in disbelief.

They eased into the conversation. Alison could tell how uncomfortable Emily was talking about everything, so she did a lot of the talking. She followed Emily’s cues…picking and choosing what to tell Shana. Every so often Emily would interject into the conversation, but she felt totally overwhelmed telling Shana personal things. Shana could sense her hesitation.

“I know how hard this must be for you, Emily.” Shana put her fork down. They’d made their way through their first helping of food and were working on the second. “I know it took months for you to open up to Alison, and I know it’s not easy talking about your past. I want you to know that everything you tell me is strictly between us. It helps me get into his mindset. Makes it a little easier to predict his moves.”

“I appreciate this. I really do. So don’t take this the wrong way. But if _I_ can’t predict what he’s going to do there is no way you’re going to be able to.” Emily put her arms against the table and lowered her hands.

“We can if it’s something we control.”

Emily furrowed her brow in thought, trying to figure out what Shana was getting at.

“Like a set up?” Emily questioned. “I don’t know if he’s dumb enough to fall for that.”

“How badly do you think he wants to kill you?”

Alison cringed at the question. It bothered her. She hated being reminded of why they were hiding out. They were both looking at Emily. She didn’t have to say anything for them to know the answer. Shana picked up her cup of coffee and tipped it against her lips. She lowered the mug.

“Bad enough to let his anger fuck him up, right?” Shana guessed.

“Maybe,” Emily replied cautiously.

Alison saw her swallow hard, her throat bobbing as she fought back her nerves. His anger had fucked Emily up when she was younger. Alison knew it wasn’t easy for Emily to think about him losing his temper. She put her hand on top of Emily’s, lacing their fingers together. Emily shot her an appreciative look.

“We just have to pull him out of the shadows. Then we can nail him,” Shana said.

“He’s been waiting _years_. He has the patience to wait this out, too. He’s not just going to walk into our hands…” Emily was struck by a sudden idea. “Unless we give him what he wants…”

“What are you talking about?” Alison didn’t like the way the conversation was going.

“What if we use me as bait?”

“Absolutely not.”

“That’s actually not a bad idea.” Shana nodded, pointing her index finger at Emily.

“Shana.” Alison growled in disapproval. She didn’t want Emily to put herself on the line. “What if something goes wrong?”

“We do stings like this all the time. We just need the right location and the right incentive.”

“Then I want to be there, too.”

Shana and Emily answered simultaneously.

“Not a good idea.”

“Fuck no.”

“Statistically speaking he’s more likely to apprehend her if she’s on her own.” Shana explained.

It made Alison’s stomach churn. She thought it would upset Emily, too, but when she looked at the brunette she saw a steely look of determination on her face.

“How fast can we get this in motion?” Emily asked.

“We’re not done talking about this.” Alison glared at Emily.

“This could be our only chance.” Emily had a soft expression on her face. She knew Alison was terrified. She knew she _should_ be terrified, but all she could feel was the anger she’d been holding on to. The idea of revenge…of making him pay. It fueled her. “I know you’re scared. But I’m not. I can’t keep looking over my shoulder at every turn. I have enough demons to worry about without him bearing down on me. So if I can do this…for my brother and my sister…for _myself_…I’m going to do it.” She looked at Shana again. “What do we need to do?”

“We need to put you out there. He needs to know where you are.”

“This is insane.” It was pissing Alison off that neither one of them was listening to her.

“I’ve got a friend in town. He can circulate it to the right people,” Emily said.

“God damn it, Emily, I said _no_! We’re not doing this.” Alison angrily slammed her palms against the table.

The dishes rattled. A fork fell to the floor. Shana and Emily quieted down and looked at the blonde. Her face was bright red. She expected Emily to continue ignoring her…or tell her to shut up. But Emily just took her hand and looked at Shana.

“Can you give us a few minutes?”

“Sure. I need to make a call anyway.”

“Shana, I swear if you put this in motion while we’re talking I will tell _everyone_ about the skinny dipping incident at the lake when we were thirteen.”

“Ouch. Bringing out the big guns, huh?” Shana stood up, reaching for her cell phone. “Relax. I just need to make a call to the plumber. We’ve been dealing with low water pressure at the B&B.”

Shana walked across the kitchen towards the side door that led to the wrap-around porch. She walked out and walked out of view.

“So…skinny dipping?” Emily lifted her right eyebrow curiously.

“Not now. This is not a fucking joke.” Alison huffed angrily. “Why do you always do this?” Tears were stinging her eyes. “Why do you always decide you’re okay being put in a life or death situation?”

“Look, I get that this scares you. But I’m _used_ to this. It’s what I’ve been doing my whole life…”

“That doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it!”

Emily could hear the fear in her tone. She could hear the scars she’d given her. She could hear her pain.

“This is different.” Emily replied calmly. “I am not going into this alone. And I’m not in a bad mindset. I’m doing this because this is the _only_ way.”

“You’re doing it because you don’t care if you die.” Alison pressed her lips together, fighting back her frustration.

“That’s not true.” Emily took her hands. “I know I’ve fucked up in the past. I know you have no reason to trust me on this. But I _want_ to come home to you. I _want_ the reality of our forever.”

“It’s not enough. It’s too dangerous. I don’t want you doing this.” Alison argued, her voice cracking.

Emily sighed. She stared at the floor in thought and then slowly looked up to meet Alison’s gaze.

“It’s not your decision.”

“Fuck that. This affects me, too. We’ll find another way.”

“Ali…”

“Would you let me do it if you were in my position?”

“Hell, no.” Emily laughed, a harsh dark noise catching in her throat. She saw Alison glaring at her and she cleared her throat. “But he’s not after you. He didn’t do the things to you that he did to me…” Her voice broke, and it softened Alison, “…to my family. I know you care. And I know you hate him and you’re angry. But this is bigger than all of that. He _destroyed_ me. He destroyed my brother and sister. He destroys everything he can get his hands on. And that’s why I will fight to the death to make sure he _never_ gets his hands on you.”

“He would come for me, too, you know. We could use me instead.”

“I already watched him kill one person I love. I can’t go through that again.” Emily reached up, putting her hand against Alison’s cheek.

The difference between Alison being in danger and Emily being in danger was that if Alison died, Emily wouldn’t be able to go on. She wouldn’t be able to live without Alison. But if something went wrong and she died, she knew that Alison would make it. She knew that her friends would keep her from falling.

“This is happening whether you want it to or not. So you can either help us or you can step aside. I have put you at risk for way too long. And I’m not going to let you get hurt. Not because of him. I’ve hurt you enough.”

“Because of what he put you through.”

“Yeah. And I’m ready to put it to rest. I’m ready to be done with this. So, are you going to let me take the lead here or am I going to have to pay Shana to knock you out and drag you by boat to a totally different country? Because I will do that.”

Alison dropped one of her hands to her side. She groaned out a guttural sound of disapproval and glared at the ground. Emily had made up her mind, and Alison knew there was nothing she could say to talk her out of it. Just like she’d done the night in the bar, Emily was going in swinging with complete disregard for what could happen. And just like that night in the bar, Alison was just going to have to try her best to back her up.

“You could get hurt.”

“I know. But I’m going to do everything in my power to keep that from happening. I’m done collecting scars.” Emily lowered her hand, moving her fingers to grip Alison’s chin, gently tipping it up. Alison looked up, meeting Emily’s eyes. “What we have…I don’t want to lose it. I have to do this to move on, Ali. I have to do this for myself...for us.”

Alison clenched her jaw.

“I am not okay with this.”

“I know.” Emily traced Alison’s jaw with her fingertips. “But I’m hoping you can forgive me one last time.”

She leaned over and moved towards her. Alison followed her motions. Their lips met tenderly. Alison reached up and gripped the side of Emily’s neck. Emily pulled back and looked into her eyes again.

“Promise me you’ll come back in one piece.” Alison rubbed her thumb against the underside of Emily’s jaw.

“I’ll write you letters every day from the trenches.” Emily smiled.

“Don’t be a smartass.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“You like my ass any which way I present it to you.”

“Yeah, and if you come home with a bullet in it I’m going to kill you.”

“And then you’ll kiss it and make it better.”

Alison laughed and then shoved her. Staying angry at her was impossible. They bickered on a regular basis, especially since they’d been cooped up. But neither one of them stayed mad for long.

They saw Shana at the door and waved for her to come back in. Emily told her to go ahead and put the plan into motion. Alison sulked as Emily walked out of the room to call Caleb.

“This was not what I had in mind when I asked you for help.” Alison frowned at Shana.

“She is one strong-willed woman.” Shana glanced at Emily’s empty seat. “I see what you see in her. She’s badass.”

“She bites off more than she can chew. I’m really worried about her doing this.”

“Of course you are.” Shana put her hand on Alison’s shoulder. “You love her.” Alison looked up at her. “But I’ve got you, Ali. I’ve got _her_.” Alison put her hand on top of Shana’s. She was still terrified, but knowing she had Shana watching their backs helped. “You two deserve a normal life. This is your shot.”

“I just don’t want it to get Emily shot.” She glanced at Shana. “_Again_.”

“What?”

“He didn’t just shoot _at_ us the night he ambushed us in town. A bullet actually hit her.”

Shana gawked at her.

“You conveniently left that part out. How is she still standing?”

“It went through her side. It’s pretty much healed at this point.” Despite all the physical activity they’d been doing around the cabin. “Emily thinks he was just fucking with her that night. She says that if he wanted her dead she’d be dead. What if this time he actually shoots to kill?”

“I don’t think he will…”

“But you can’t know that for sure.”

“Psychopaths like him…they have a pattern. I think I’ve almost got his figured out. From what I’ve gathered he likes to see her suffer. And he likes to see it from up close. He might fire potshots at her, but he’s not going to kill her from the shadows. It’s fucked up, but he likes to be up close and personal to see the pain. And I don’t plan on letting it get that far. We’ll move in long before that.”

“What if he figures out that it’s a trap? What happens to Emily then?”

“She’ll be wearing a Kevlar vest. She won’t be completely vulnerable.”

“That won’t matter if he aims for her head.”

“Look, this is going to come to a head sooner or later. At least if we do it this way we can control things. I know you don’t like this. But she’s ready to face her past. You’ve got to respect that.”

“I know. But it still sucks.”

As Alison sat in the kitchen fretting over everything that could go wrong, Emily was trying to work up her nerve to call Caleb. She knew that once she talked to him there was no going back. She sat against the edge of the bed tapping her fingers against her knee. She stared at the phone. It was still a weird thing to see. No one had landlines anymore, especially not personal ones. You usually only saw them in places of business.

“God, I’m being such a sissy.” Emily shook her head and grabbed the phone. She dialed Caleb’s number before she could back out.

He’d barely gotten out a “hello” before she interrupted him.

“Caleb, I need a favor.”

“Of course you do. You know, you never call me just to ask me how my day is going.”

“How is your day going?”

“None of your fucking business.” Caleb smarted back. Emily laughed. “What can I do for you?”

“I need you to spread the word about where we are to Peter’s circle. I don’t care how. I just need it to circulate to all the wrong people. I need it getting back to him.”

There was a quiet pause on Caleb’s end.

“Are you out of your mind? The whole reason you’re there is to keep you two safe while we find him. The last thing you need is him finding you. Then you’ll have to run again.”

“I know how it sounds. But Alison has this friend, Shana. She’s FBI. And she has this idea…”

“You willingly talked to the FBI?”

“I didn’t know she was FBI, dumbass.” Though, something about Shana had seemed off when she first met her. She should have trusted her instincts. “Alison introduced me to her and her wife. We had a really nice dinner together.”

“Since when are you domestic?” Caleb snorted. “If you’re being held against your will by your fellow lesbians say the phrase ‘ugly cat sweater’.”

“Okay, first of all, I’m offended that you would go with anything other than ‘ugly pug sweater’. And second, if I was being held against my will by these women I would never leave.”

“Damn. I want in on this orgy.”

“Sorry, Mr. Robot, you’re not our type.” Emily didn’t even try to be gentle about it.

“I bet that place smells like a strip joint.”

“Smells better than that. There are no men here to make it smell like cheap cigars and desperation.”

“You wound me with your words,” he replied sarcastically. “I don’t know why you’d ever want to give up the orgy life.”

“Because I’m tired of running. I didn’t realize how hard this was going to be now that I’ve got someone I care about. My priorities are different. I never thought I’d have priorities, but I do. I realized it when I was talking to Shana the night we met. She already knew that we were in trouble. Because Alison called her for help when we left town. And she agreed to help us while we were here. I didn’t know she meant _this_ kind of help. Turns out she’s been doing an investigation. And she thinks we can trap him.”

“Thought you didn’t want him taken alive.”

“Never said I wasn’t hatching my own plot. They may set it up, but I don’t plan on letting him walk away from me. I want him taken out in a body bag. So I offered myself as bait. Should get me close enough to him.”

“You are certifiable.”

“Yeah. Alison thinks so, too. And you’re both right. I mean, I _have_ been committed more than once.” Emily glanced at the scars on her wrist. “But it’s about more than just getting back at him. This is about my life. And Alison’s life. I want our lives back. I want her to be able to live without being afraid of my past coming back to hurt us. And I want this to be over. I just want to be done.”

Caleb considered her reasons.

“You trust this Shana girl?” he asked skeptically.

“I trust Alison.”

“Okay.” That was all he needed to hear. “Tell me what you need me to do.”

She told him her idea. He agreed to get it in motion. She told him to be careful and he told her the same.

When they hung up Emily sat in the quiet room. She leaned against the edge of the bed, one hand against the mattress and the other against her knee. She was shaking. It was starting to feel real.

All she could think about was the conversation she’d had with Ethan in the motel about justice and revenge.

_“He’ll get what’s coming to him.”_

She stared at the floor. She’d reached the point of no return.

She couldn’t stop the inevitable. The cold icy clutch of pain that her past had over her had to end. She’d been fighting through a flurry of frozen ice alone since Ethan died. She’d stumbled through the darkness slowly freezing to death. But something had happened when she went home. A warm ember had sparked a flame that curbed the chill. The ice was melting.

She wasn’t alone anymore.

* * *

**A/N: ** _Side note: writing Shana has been fun. I like to imagine all the dirt she has on Alison. Here’s to hoping she comes through for Alison and Emily._


	19. Scars of a Survivor

**A/N: ** _This one is more than a rollercoaster. It’s a damn rocketship being pulled into a crazy gravity forcefield. Prepare yourselves._

* * *

**Chapter 19: **

**Scars of a Survivor**

The plan was straightforward enough. All they had to do was lure him to the Poconos. Shana and her team were going to try and get him to follow Emily to a secluded location, where there would be a sting task force already in place.

Caleb had spread the word to the right kind of the wrong people in town. He’d gone fishing and he’d captured Emily’s white whale. The FBI had been monitoring every CCTV and security camera for miles outside of town. They’d finally gotten a hit at a gas station at a road eighty miles away from the cabin that morning.

The girls had been on edge as they waited for the call. Alison panicked when the phone rang. Emily was strangely calm. Shana came over with lunch so they could go over the plan.

“If you know where he is can’t you just go intercept him and arrest him before he gets here?” Alison asked. “Or set up a roadblock or something.”

“We know what direction he’s traveling, but we don’t know what route he’s going to end up taking. And we don’t have the authorization to shut down a highway for a suspected felon…”

“He _is_ a felon.” Alison argued.

“Hey, calm down.” Emily rubbed her arm. “Look, I know him. I spent years learning how he operates. If he suspects a set up he’ll go back into hiding. This is our one shot.”

“How are you not freaking out right now?”

_Because I’m going to shoot the motherfucker in the face._

“Because only one of us can freak out at a time.” Emily put her hand on top of Alison’s. “They can’t bring him in without probable cause. They don’t have any evidence. He covered his tracks.”

“You have literal physical proof on your body.” Alison lifted her shirt.

Emily jerked her hand away from Alison’s and pulled her shirt down. She didn’t like feeling exposed with Shana in the room. Shana glanced away. Emily appreciated her discretion.

“That isn’t admissible in court.” Emily smoothed her shirt down. “You’re forgetting I served overseas. Nothing on my body can _prove_ what he did to me.”

“What about all the times he…” Alison stopped herself and glanced at Shana. Shana got up and walked over to the counter to try and give them a little space. She poured some coffee in a cup and then put it in the microwave to create a little ambient noise. Alison looked at Emily and took her hand as she lowered her voice, “You said Ethan went with you when you…” She looked at Emily’s stomach. She didn’t want Shana to overhear. She was trying to be discreet for Emily’s sake, “…that he held your hand…”

“We didn’t use any real information on the forms when I had the abortion.”

“What about DNA or…”

“Ali, I never went to the hospital. I never had a rape kit done. I was a _kid_. I was scared.” She’d been too scared that he would hurt Ethan. “There is nothing in any records that can nail him. We have to get him on tape coming after me…or confessing.”

“This is such bullshit. Why should you have to put yourself in danger to prove what a psycho he is?”

“Take it up with the justice system.”

Shana pulled her coffee out of the microwave and walked back over towards them.

“We know that he’s on his way. We know he’ll be looking for Emily,” Shana said, sitting down at the table. “He’ll be watching. So all we’ve got to do is set up a controlled situation where Emily is alone. We’ll stage an argument somewhere in public where he can see.” She pulled out a folder with a bunch of loose pieces of paper. She pulled out a detailed map. “After you and Ali go your separate ways you’re going to walk into this liquor store…” She pointed to the map.

“But she’s not really getting alcohol, right?” It made Alison nervous to think about Emily doing something this dangerous when she was drunk. She had been doing so well with her sobriety.

“Right.” Shana looked at Alison. She’d been answering Alison’s concerns at every turn, trying to make her feel better about the idea. She looked at Emily. “We’ll have someone undercover there who is going to give you a bottle of water wrapped in a brown paper bag. Take a sip every so often. And walk with an uneven gate. We need him to think you’re not going to be a threat.”

“Got it.” Emily nodded. Shana had been over the plan with her a dozen times already. Emily was comfortable with it. The only reason they had to keep going over it was because of Alison’s fears. “Someone will be with Alison, right? She’s not going to be alone?”

“We’re going to have plain clothes officers on Alison right away. She’ll be with us.”

“Where?” Emily asked.

“Oh, _now_ you’re worried?” Alison asked. “When _I’m_ the one in danger?”

“You’re not going to be in danger. Neither am I. That’s the whole point of letting Shana lead this.”

“No offense, but I once saw Shana run directly into a low hanging tree branch after we took off into the woods after stealing a bottle of my mother’s finest champagne.”

“I held on to that bottle though,” Shana said with a smirk.

“That’s not the point. The point is that it was _your_ idea and it went to shit.”

“We were twelve.” Shana rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, and the only difference is that now you’ve got a gun and a badge. And instead of_ Rosé_, it’s the balance of Emily’s life that’s hanging in your hands.”

Emily had heard enough. She dropped her palms against the table and glared at her girlfriend.

“Drop it.”

Alison felt like throwing a tantrum and storming out of the cabin, but she knew Emily would just yell at her for putting herself in danger. So instead she just sat at the table fuming while Emily and Shana discussed the plan.

After they were done Shana left to go get everything set up. She also knew that they were going to need some time alone to process everything, especially Alison. Shana knew from experience that Alison was a very strong-willed person and when she felt passionately about something that wasn’t going her way she imploded.

Emily wasn’t at all surprised to find Alison blowing off steam on the treadmill in the basement. It’s not like they could go outside to exercise. The cabin fever was starting to take its toll on both of them. The plan of drawing a murderer into a trap with Emily as bait had only exacerbated things.

Alison heard her coming down the stairs, but she didn’t give her the satisfaction of turning around and addressing her. She made Emily come to her.

“Hey, Shana is going to be back in a few hours. She’s going to get some things set up. We’re going to move on it tonight.”

“Why are you telling me? I clearly don’t get a say.” Alison brushed her off angrily.

Her posturing didn’t scare Emily in the least. Alison was all bark and no bite. Emily knew how much she loved her. She also knew Alison was a raging bitchbaby when she was mad.

“Don’t be like that.” Emily reached up to touch Alison’s hand.

Alison jerked her hand away and angrily punched her finger against the treadmill’s controls to a higher setting. She started huffing as she increased her speed. Emily moved in front of the treadmill so Alison couldn’t ignore her.

“You’ll thank me when we’re on our way back home.”

“Not if you get yourself killed.”

“Ah, she speaks.” Emily smiled.

Alison finally looked at her, a scowl on her face. But Emily’s smile made it incredibly difficult to ignore her.

“Don’t do that.” Alison complained.

“Do what?” Emily shrugged innocently.

“Stop smiling at me.”

Emily kept her eyes on Alison as she walked over to the large yoga mat on the floor. She pulled her shirt off and adjusted her sports bra without saying a word.

_You little shit_.

Alison knew exactly what Emily was doing. Emily’s muscles bulged as she limbered up with some stretches. Alison hated her for being so hot.

“You need a membership to work out here.” Alison gave her a hard time.

“I’m sleeping with the owner.” Emily stretched to the side.

Alison watched her breasts bounce as she moved. Emily saw her watching. Alison tried to turn away. She felt like a kid who got her hand caught in the cookie jar.

“You can’t stay mad at me forever.” Emily sat against one of the workout benches. “Not when I’m flashing the twins at you.”

That broke Alison. She snorted out a laugh.

“_The twins_? Since when do they have names?”

“Venus. And Serena.” Emily popped her chest out.

“I’m still mad at you.” Alison slowed her pace down to a walk.

“When are you _not_ mad at me?” Emily stood up and walked over to her. Alison was more receptive to her company this time. “I’m honestly surprised it took you this long to get sick of me.”

Alison mashed her finger against the button on the treadmill and the machine cut off. She stopped walking.

“You get that I’m only pissed because I care about you, right?”

Emily handed her a towel to dab away some of her sweat. She wanted to lick it off of her body, but she couldn’t tell if Alison was _mad-_mad or _I want you to fuck me_-mad.

“You’re thinking worst case scenario…”

“We’re _in_ the worst case scenario. He’s coming for you. And there’s nothing we can do.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. We can get ready for him. And we’re not doing this alone. I keep trying to tell you that. Getting Shana involved was _your_ idea in the first place.”

“I wasn’t expecting her to dangle you in front of him like a lamb before the slaughter.”

“I’m insulted that you think I’m a lamb, but also a little turned on that you think I’m truly that soft.” Emily put her hands on Alison’s waist.

“It’s not that I think you can’t handle yourself. I know you can.” Alison traced the ink on Emily’s bicep. “It’s just that I’m not ready for this. And I’m afraid you’re not either. I’m afraid that when you see him it’s going to hurt you so badly that you’re going to get lost again.”

Emily gently reached up to cup Alison’s face.

“I won’t. Because I have you. And after this is over we get to go back to living our lives. We get to go home.”

Alison couldn’t help but smile when she heard Emily call it “home”.

“I miss it. I miss my friends. I miss my dumb dog.”

“Have you talked to Aria or Spencer lately?”

“I talked to Spencer yesterday. I told her you kidnapped me and that we’ve run off to Mexico.”

“Ali…you didn’t.” Emily pulled back to look at her.

Spencer had accepted their relationship, but sometimes Emily got the feeling the prickly lawyer still didn’t trust her.

“Oh, relax. I told her we were doing some spa shit for our mental well-being as a couple.” She looked around the exercise area. “Which isn’t a total lie. Some of our closed door therapy sessions here have really cleared my pores.” Alison squeezed Emily’s ass cheek.

“Whoa, hey.” Emily hadn’t been expecting the ass squeeze. Alison’s emotions were all over the place.

“Treadmill is yours if you want it. I’m going to take a shower.” She pulled away from Emily and walked towards the steps. She paused at the bottom of the stairs and glanced over her shoulder with a smoldering expression on her face.

Emily realized Alison was _definitely_ ‘I want you to fuck me’-mad.

She let Alison sweat it out for a few minutes. She puttered around in the basement until she heard the water running. Then she jogged up the stairs and quickly went after her.

She stripped out of her clothes and joined her in the bathroom. Steam was rapidly filling the air. The mirrors were already fogged up. Emily opened the shower door and stepped inside behind Alison.

A cascade of water was pouring over Alison’s body as she rubbed shampoo into her hair. She looked over her shoulder and smiled at Emily. It was common for them to seek each other out when the other was upset. And as much as they had been teasing one another Alison was still very upset, and Emily could sense it. And she understood it. Who _wouldn’t_ be upset if their partner was in danger?

She moved up behind Alison, her pelvis meeting Alison’s ass. She reached up to cup her breasts. She kissed the side of her neck and pulled her close. She swayed with her for a few seconds and then moved her hand up against her scalp, massaging the shampoo into her hair.

Alison closed her eyes to keep the suds from getting into them. She turned around, Emily helping guide her so she wouldn’t slip. She leaned back to let the shampoo wash out of her hair. Emily watched the soapy mixture dripping down her chest.

When Alison opened her eyes and looked at Emily she felt a tightness in her chest. She couldn’t bear the idea of her in danger again. She didn’t understand how Emily could be so cavalier about it. She felt like crying. Instead, she gently gripped her cheeks and softly moved her lips against Emily’s.

Alison could sense the brunette’s every emotion, and she could feel her determination in her movements. She could also sense her pain…her fear. Or perhaps it was her own fears and insecurities. Perhaps this was the one time that Emily was poised and assured.

Alison didn’t know she was crying. She didn’t feel the hot tears slipping down her face with the steady stream of water. Emily immediately saw the tears. She recognized the difference in Alison’s kiss. She could feel it. She could taste it. The hint of salt. The pain. The fear. The feeling of sorrow.

Emily knew that she couldn’t say anything to take it away. If she’d learned anything from being with Alison it was that feeling the pain was part of the process. It was there for a reason. It was there because she cared…because she loved her.

She slowly moved Alison until her back was pressed up against the tile wall. Alison’s hand fell lazily against Emily’s side. Emily moved her palms against the curves of Alison’s hips.

She kissed her cheek and then slowly started to pepper kisses against her jaw, down her shoulder. She held her hands against Alison’s side as she kneeled in front of her. She kissed the divot in her chest and the underside of her breasts.

She stopped at Alison’s stomach, swirling her tongue against the top of her bellybutton. She felt Alison’s stomach clench underneath her touch. She continued to tease her, kissing her slippery skin as she moved one of her hands down between Alison’s folds.

She felt Alison’s hands against her shoulders, gripping her for support. Emily rubbed her fingers against Alison’s core, feeling the hot liquid that had gathered there. She gently pried Alison’s legs apart and moved her head down further, until her tongue met Alison’s wetness. Even with the tap water flowing around her, she could taste her.

She alternated between her tongue and her fingers as she slowly built Alison to her height. Alison had to grab the shower door for support. She gripped Emily’s head with her other hand and could feel her moving with every stroke of her tongue.

When Emily felt her getting close she slipped two fingers into her and started pumping slowly. She increased her tempo until she had Alison moaning her name out in between her harsh breaths.

Emily continued to thrust her fingers as she moved her mouth up against the front of her pelvis. She slowly started kissing her way up Alison’s body again. She kept her rhythm as she moved off of her knees and moved forward to kiss her. Alison pushed back against the kiss harshly, bucking herself against Emily’s motions, chasing her high.

Alison’s back hit the tile wall and she felt Emily’s tongue prodding into her mouth with the same amount of exuberance as her fingers exploring her depths. Emily reached up with her free hand and pinched Alison’s nipple.

Alison felt her body seize again. She gripped Emily’s shoulders for support as her body trembled out of control. Emily could see the change in her eyes…the darkness of lust overtaking her crystal blue irises. She watched as her pupils slowly retracted as she came down from her high. Emily pulled out and circled her sensitive entrance.

When Alison was able to breathe again she moved in to kiss her again. Alison tugged Emily’s bottom lip into her mouth and gripped her side. Their kisses became less aggressive as Alison’s fingers moved down the front of Emily’s body.

As her hand continued its descent she kept her eyes focused on Emily’s, watching her for discomfort or flashes of anxiety. She always paused before touching her to give her time to tell her to stop.

Before she could even ask, Emily grabbed her hand and moved it down. She leaned forward.

“I’m okay,” she whispered, her lips vibrating against Alison’s.

Alison smiled confidently into their embrace and pushed her hand between Emily’s thighs. Even through all the steam in the shower she could feel the difference in the heat in between her legs. She ran her fingertips through her legs, coating her finger in Emily’s wetness. She rubbed her fingers back and forth, giving Emily time to mentally prepare.

She reached up and touched Emily’s cheek, demanding her attention. Alison pressed a soft kiss against her lips and slipped one finger into her.

Feeling her touch still surprised Emily, but she didn’t panic anymore. Alison was always gentle with the first thrust. She never knew what might send Emily careening back into her past. She added a second finger and then slowly built up a rhythm, increasing her speed and depth.

Emily felt a hot flash of pleasure roll over her body when Alison twisted her fingers and roughly pushed forward. Emily gasped. Alison hesitated for a split second because she thought she’d hurt her, but Emily pulled Alison’s body against hers and grasped her ass, trying to deepen the motion. Alison felt Emily’s chest heaving and then she felt her shudder.

Emily’s fingers found their way to Alison’s sensitive core again. She plunged into Alison’s depths again. Alison had to concentrate to stay focused.

They were lost in a flash of hands grasping and tongues clashing. Their fingers moved unapologetically. Their bodies slipped together in the hot steamy water. The noises they made bounced off of the wall and echoed throughout the empty cabin.

Emily cried out when she felt her body clench around Alison. The blonde watched as she became lost in the sensation. Emily pushed a heavy kiss against Alison’s lips and groaned into her mouth. Their eyes met. Alison saw her pleasure peaking.

_Please tell me you love me._ Alison was begging in thought. She needed to hear it.

But Emily couldn’t say much of anything. She was too busy concentrating on Alison’s motions. She still wasn’t used to the feeling that came with the pleasure. Sometimes it was almost too much for her. She felt like her heart was going to burst.

Emily slipped and fell back against the shower door, nearly toppling to the floor as she came. The orgasm was the most intense she’d had yet. Her body was out of her control. It was still a scary feeling to her. Alison could see a hint of fear in her eyes.

“Fuck.” Emily groaned, her eyes clamping shut. “Ali…”

“Hey…I’ve got you.” She moved closer. “I’ve got you,” she said softly.

When Emily opened her eyes she saw Alison’s eyes inches from hers. She moved forward just enough so their lips met. She held Alison’s gaze as she tightened around the blonde’s fingers. She felt her chest clutching and a roaring wave of heat in her stomach rapidly expanding, like a volcanic eruption.

Both of their hands started moving quicker. They were chasing the other’s release, waiting on one another.

Emily couldn’t hold out. She felt it washing over her and she couldn’t breathe. She jerked her lips away from the blonde’s lips and gasped, moving her forehead forward to touch Alison’s. She muttered Alison’s name against her face and started to tremble. Her breath came out in heated gasps against Alison’s face.

She clamped down on Alison’s fingers so hard that it felt like her body was never going to let her go. She curled her fingers inside of Alison and felt her tightening. She gripped the side of Alison’s neck.

“I want you with me.”

Alison felt her peak hitting her. She peered into Emily’s eyes.

“I’m always with you.”

Emily nodded, keeping her eyes fixed on Alison’s. Alison’s lips found Emily’s and they stayed together as the shower turned into a sanctuary of euphoric bliss. Emily felt herself open in ways she’d never opened. She felt exposed…and she was okay with it. Her eyes were trained on Alison’s. She felt like she could see the wonders of the world in her eyes.

Emily saw the tiniest hint of a satisfied smile on Alison’s face. It was a smile Emily knew was just for her. She knew that no one else made Alison feel the way she made Alison feel. And Emily knew it was the same for Alison.

Emily kissed her as they hit their highs together. Their eyes met, and Emily felt a river of emotions cascading through her. She looked at Alison and she felt it. It was on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t speak.

_I love you._

Alison saw the flicker in Emily’s eyes. And she knew. She knew that Emily was thinking it. She could feel it. And as much as Alison wanted to say it back, she was at the mercy of her body. All she could do was moan and clutch Emily’s slippery shoulder with her free hand as they both fell into their pleasure.

They stilled their motions and kissed as the water beat against them, their bodies connected in the most intense embrace that either had ever experienced.

Alison laid her head against Emily’s shoulder, her cheek resting near her clavicle. Emily wrapped her arm around the small of Alison’s back and kissed her forehead.

They stayed in the shower until the water turned tepid. Emily reached to turn the water off. She pushed the door open and grabbed a towel hanging from the rack. She wrapped it over Alison’s shoulders and they both stepped out of the shower. Emily backed Alison against the counter and kissed her. They smiled at one another, bathing in the steam in the room. Emily pecked Alison’s lips again.

“I can’t feel my feet.” Alison grinned against Emily’s mouth.

“Me either.” Emily chuckled.

They were both still reeling. There was a beat of silence and then Emily combed her fingers through Alison’s hair.

“Want to go again?”

Alison put her hands on Emily’s hips and grinned as she slowly pushed her out of the room. They moved into the bedroom. Alison dropped her towel and fell back on to the bed, pulling Emily with her.

Their hands explored each other’s bodies. Their kisses were light and innocent as they rolled around on the mattress, both girls fighting for dominance. Emily gave in, letting Alison win. She knew the blonde needed a win. Plus she liked looking at her from below. She loved seeing her breasts above her. She loved feeling Alison’s weight on her.

“I win.” Alison kissed her and smiled.

Emily played coy.

“Fair and square.”

They heard a chiming noise. It was Emily’s phone. She glanced at it. It was Shana checking in. Seeing the message on the screen was a mood-killer for Alison. She sighed and rolled off of Emily.

Emily put her phone down and pulled the smaller girl into her arms.

“I’m sorry this is what it’s come to.” Emily kissed the top of her wet head. She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to straighten it out.

“Don’t be. I’d do anything for you. I knew the night we met that you were someone special.”

“Why did you care so much? I mean, you deal with people like me all the time, right? Why did you decide that I was something more?”

“When you called the hotline I could hear how much you needed someone who cared. I could hear your life…your story. I didn’t know who you were, but I _knew_ you. It was like you were in my veins…in my heart. And I wanted more than anything for you to understand that I wasn’t just _listening_ to you. I _heard_ you.” She played with Emily’s fingers. “When I found you I panicked. This weird rush of emotion…this need to protect you kicked on. Because I knew…I knew it was going to be me and you for the rest of our lives. I knew I couldn’t lose you.”

Emily had always known how much Alison cared. She’d never understood it, but she could see it. And now she could feel it.

She slid her fingers in between Alison’s fingers and gripped her hand.

“My whole life I’ve kept people at just enough distance so that I’d be just a blip in their lives. It’s like…if something happened to me…if I died…they might feel a little sorrow, but they’d think about how little they actually knew me. They’d be sad for a little while, but then they’d just forget me. Because what kind of impact have I really made?” She looked at Alison. “I didn’t think I would ever find anyone who would care…who would think about me for the rest of their lives.”

“I think about you even when I’m with you.” Alison pecked her lips. “I’m thinking about you right now.”

“I know. I can see it in your eyes.” Emily traced her jaw line.

The scar on Emily’s wrist caught Alison’s eye. She thought about that a lot, too. She couldn’t think about Emily without thinking about her pain. She reached up and gently gripped her fingers. She turned her wrist over to look at the healing blemish.

“Do you still think about dying?”

“It’s complicated.” She sighed. “You know, when I close my eyes I do. I think about it. I imagine it. I see it happening. But I don’t want to act on it. It’s just there.” She looked at Alison. “But when I open my eyes it goes away.”

“What’s the difference between when your eyes are closed and when they’re open?”

“I can see you.”

Emily kissed her, lovingly stroking her face as their lips melded together. They stayed in bed for hours, just waiting on the call. Because they knew it was coming.

When Emily’s phone buzzed she picked it up and looked at the screen.

“Shana is ready for us.”

“Are _you_ ready?” Alison sat up against the headboard, pulling the covers up over herself.

To face the man who had abused her her entire life? To face the demons she’d carried inside for years? To face herself?

“Yeah.” Emily sat up next to her. Alison had done so much for her. She’d taken such good care of her. And Emily knew it was time to repay the favor. “It’s my turn to take care of you. I want to. For us. Because I want a life with you, Alison.”

“You don’t have to do this for me.”

“It’s not for you.” She stroked Alison’s thigh. “I can’t be the person I want to be…I can’t go on until I know he’s out of my life.”

“I still think this is a terrible idea.”

“I _have_ to do this.”

“I know.” Alison swallowed a knot in her throat. “That’s what makes you Emily.”

They both slid out of bed and slowly started to get dressed. The room was quiet.

**o ~ O ~ o**

Alison had been a nervous wreck the entire Uber ride. They were on their way to a popular diner. One of the undercover agents was their driver. There were several more in the restaurant they were going to. They’d been carefully planted.

Alison tried to keep it together, but Emily could tell she was anxious. The blonde barely touched her dinner. And she jumped every time she heard a noise. She gripped her fork like it was a weapon. Any time anyone got near them she tightened her hold on it.

Her behavior worked slightly to their advantage, because if he was watching it would look like Alison was neurotic about being seen. That’s exactly how someone _should_ act when they were being hunted.

But she was also drawing unwanted attention to them, so Emily reached out over the table for Alison’s hand. Alison nearly jumped out of her seat when she felt Emily touch her. She hadn’t been paying attention.

“Hey, take a breath,” she said quietly. “This has to look natural.”

Alison nodded and then shoved Emily’s hand away. It was part of the plan, but it still hurt Emily for Alison to shut her out.

“How are we doing?” Emily whispered, knowing her mic would pick it up.

_“We’re in position.”_

“Any sign of him yet?”

_“Not yet, but we aren’t expecting him to be out in the open. Stick to the plan.”_

“Take your time, Ali.” Emily glanced at her.

All this hinged on people believing that they were bickering. They hadn’t done much fighting. They hadn’t done much talking at all. They’d been easing their way into it. Alison took a deep breath and then shoved her plate away and glared at Emily.

“I’m sick of you telling me what to do!” Alison grit her teeth. Yelling at Emily was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. She felt tears stinging her eyes. “This just isn’t working for me anymore.”

Her eyes _screamed_ that she didn’t mean it. It tasted like poison in her mouth. Emily nodded to let her know it was okay.

_It’s part of the plan._

“Fine. Just give up on me. Everyone in my life leaves. I don’t know why I thought you were any different.” Emily looked at Alison apologetically, but her words came out strong.

“Maybe you _deserve_ it.” _I don’t mean it, Emily. I don’t. _

Two agents dressed as waiters walked over towards their table. Emily and Alison ignored them as their fake fight escalated.

“Ladies, we’re going to have to ask you to leave,” one of the “waiters” said.

“This is a free country. You can’t tell us what to do.” Emily bit back angrily.

“It’s restaurant policy…”

“See what you did?” Alison stood up in a huff. “I just wanted _one_ night out. _One_ night of peace.”

The waiters escorted them out and they took their fight outside. They were yelling loud enough to catch the attention of everyone watching.

“You know what, Emily? I’m done with you! I’m so done!”

“Good.” Emily uttered under her breath. “Now slap me.”

“What?” Alison was caught off-guard.

“Sell it. _Slap me_,” she said firmly.

“I can’t just…”

“Just think of all the awful things I’ve put you through. I’ve lied to you. I kept secrets from you. I hurt you. You found me dying the night we met. And then you found me bathed in my own blood after I tried to assault you. I know it made you angry. I know you…”

Alison reached up and threw her palm against Emily’s cheek, surprising both of them. Her eyes widened the second she pulled back.

Emily reached up and grabbed her jaw, pretending to be hurt. But she winked at Alison.

“Perfect. Now storm off.”

“I don’t want to,” Alison said under her breath.

_“You have to.”_ Shana ordered into her hidden earpiece.

Alison turned around with tears in her eyes and started to pace away. She grabbed her phone and pretended to call for an Uber. The same driver that had taken them to town was right around the corner. He pulled into place to pick her up.

Emily stood on the curb for a few minutes, keeping her palm against her face, pretending like it hurt. Only she didn’t have to pretend on the emotional scale. She could feel all of her doubts and insecurities bubbling beneath the surface. The fight was fake. But the emotion was real. The words weren’t made up. She really had hurt Alison.

Emily gathered her emotions and she reminded herself of the plan. She slowly wandered away from the restaurant. There was a liquor store down the street. Shana told her where to go. One of the undercover agents was behind the counter. She pretended to buy a bottle of liquor, but it was actually just a bottle that had been switched out with water.

She walked out of the store with the brown paper bag and followed Shana’s directions to an abandoned ball field. She was told to wander into the old concrete building where the players congregated before their games. She stopped every so often to sip on the water.

She walked into the building and took a seat against a bench.

She sat there for nearly an hour before everyone slowly came to the realization that if he’d seen her, he hadn’t taken the bait.

Shana officially called it after the two hour mark.

_“No sign of him anywhere. We’re calling it. We’re going to have to strategize and regroup.”_ Shana spoke into the radio.

All Emily could think about was how pissed off Alison was going to be. They were going to have to keep playing the same stupid game until he came after her.

Emily left the ballpark. An Uber with an agent was waiting for her. They made sure no one was tailing them and then he drove her back to the cabin, where Alison and Shana were waiting.

Alison was relieved to see her. They hugged and then Emily kissed her.

“We live to fight another day.” Emily smiled.

“You’re not funny.”

Emily faced Shana.

“So, what’s our next move?”

“We’ve scoured CCTV cams and security cams. And we’ve gotten nothing. Not even the car he was driving has been spotted. Could be that he got bad intel and went to the wrong place. We’re coming up with a new strategy. We’ve got eyes all over the place, trying to figure out where he could have gone.”

“Are you sure it was even him?” Alison asked.

“It was him.” Emily answered. Even though the footage of him outside the gas station was crappy she knew it was him.

“I’m going to stay here tonight. Just to be on the safe side.” Shana glanced at the time. There had been no sign of him anywhere.

“You remember the way to the guest bedroom?” Alison questioned.

“Yeah. Just going to go double check the security cameras and do a quick sweep and check in with HQ. Let them know what we’re doing.”

“You’re using a secure channel, right?” Emily asked.

She was worried about him spying from afar, waiting to make his move.

They didn’t realize he’d already made that move.

The secure channel wasn’t going to do them any good. Because he was already on the inside. One of the first things he’d learned how to do in the police academy was hack security systems. It had been child’s play. Now he was just waiting.

“I am.” Shana grabbed her walkie-talkie and walked out of the kitchen.

Alison and Emily stood there in the awkward silence for a few seconds.

“You okay?” Emily questioned.

“That’s a loaded question.”

“We’re doing the best we can.” When Alison wouldn’t look her in the eye, Emily gently cupped her chin. “Hey, it will be over soon.”

Alison didn’t doubt that. She was just afraid that “over” wasn’t necessarily going to be a good thing. Alison didn’t know how to respond. She was too tired to respond.

“How about we warm up some of that apple cider?” Emily suggested.

“Sure.” Alison nodded.

“All right. Just give me a few minutes to get this Kevlar off. I’m burning up.”

Alison went with her to help her strip out of the heavy material, assuming that Shana would find her way to the guest bedroom.

Shana didn’t make it to the bedroom. They never heard a thing.

They felt like they were in their own little world in their bedroom. After Emily pulled the Kevlar off she could feel the weight that it had left on her body. Her muscles were aching. She’d forgotten how heavy body armor was. Alison could see her tension. She rubbed her shoulders for a few minutes, but Emily’s neck was still kinked.

“Why don’t you take a shower? I’ll make the cider.” Alison rubbed a glob of pain cream against her skin.

“I’d ask you to join me.” Emily grinned at her. “But I know how loud you can be and we don’t want Shana to come bursting in thinking we’re being attacked.”

Alison laughed softly. She kissed Emily’s cheek and then walked towards the door. She turned around and gave Emily a soft smile before she left.

Emily didn’t take long in the shower. She felt better after loosening up. She ran a comb through her hair and wrapped it in a wet messy bun. Then she threw on her sweats and went to meet Alison in the kitchen.

She listened for the sounds of Alison and Shana talking, but didn’t hear anything. She sniffed the air and didn’t smell the cinnamon cider. The silence unnerved her.

“Ali?” She didn’t get a response. Her heart leaped into her chest. “Shana!” She called loudly as she rushed towards the kitchen.

She didn’t make it through the foyer. She felt something solid crash against the back of her skull. She stumbled forward and fell against the wall, managing to stay on her feet and spin around to defend herself.

She wasn’t prepared to see him. She’d mentally been trying to get herself ready for it, but nothing could have prepared her for the rush of feelings that washed over her when she was looking into his eyes. Every single terrible thing that had happened to her as a child violently played through her mind.

Every instinct she had was telling her to strike back…to hit him, kick him, bite him…_anything_. Her chest felt heavy. Her breaths came out raspy and uneven. She stared at the weapon in his hand. It was standard police issue.

_Shana_.

She had no back up. He’d gotten past Shana. She was alone.

“You look surprised to see me. You didn’t really think I’d fall for the bait and switch, did you?”

“How?” Emily’s voice was shaking. Her entire body was shaking. How had this happened?

“Oh, come on. All those years in the army and you didn’t learn to never leave your home base defenseless? Especially those with crawlspace access.”

It was a nightmare. She was having a nightmare. It couldn’t be real. She wanted to wake herself up. She wanted to open her eyes and see Alison.

_Alison_.

Where was Alison?

“What did you do to them?” Emily balled her hands into fists.

He didn’t answer, which only fueled her fire. He stroked Shana’s gun and smirked at her.

“I just wanted it to be you and me.” He grinned menacingly. “Just like old times.”

Emily flinched. She felt her anger hitting a tipping point. She moved her arm up and flung her fist towards his face. He reacted, blocking her hit and slamming the butt of the gun against her head again. The hit made her dizzy, but she stayed upright.

“Still just as obstinate as you were as a child.” He clucked his tongue and shook his head. “Relax. They’re not dead.” He paused and smiled at her again.

That smile. That fucking smile made her feel like puking.

“Yet.” He finished.

He nodded his head towards the living room, motioning for Emily to get in the room. The way he was looking at her terrified her. She was pissed at herself for letting him sneak up on her. She was angry that he was seizing the control she’d gained without him in her life. And she was terrified for Alison and Shana.

She felt the gun against her back as she walked forward. She was tempted to swing around and wrestle the weapon away from him, but she didn’t know where her girlfriend was or what he’d done to her. She knew how sadistic he was. He easily could have something rigged that would kill Alison and Shana.

They walked through the living room towards the basement. Her eyes landed on two candles burning near the closed curtains on either side of the basement door. The door was wide open. The dark abyss of the unlit room looked like a monster ready to swallow her whole.

Of course he’d picked the basement. The one place in the house without an escape. She thought of all the times she’d been trapped in his closet. She felt the panic rising in her chest. The thought of being trapped…the images of being locked in the closet, feeling helpless…feeling small. All the times she’d been held in tiny dirt holes overseas, parched from thirst, sore from the beatings. It all came back to her.

Her panic transformed into rage when they rounded the furniture and she saw Shana on the floor, unconscious. She had a large gash on the side of her head. There was bruising on her face. Her hands and feet were bound tightly.

“Shana…” She tried to rush over to her, but he grabbed her arm and squeezed it.

“Don’t even think about it.”

His hand against her skin caused a visceral reaction. She gagged. She felt bile in her throat. She instinctively jerked her hand away and spun around and scowled at him. Before she could think, she was reacting. She raised her arm and went to strike him. He grabbed her wrist and spun her around, twisting her arm behind her back. He forced her to the ground. It was a maneuver Emily knew well. He put just enough pressure on it to make it hurt and then threw her forward.

She hit the ground. Seconds later she felt the tip of his boot crashing into her ribs. The air felt like it was being sucked out of her lungs. He grabbed her by her hair and jerked her head up.

“I’ll put another bullet in you.” He threatened. “Or in her.” He pushed the basement door forward and revealed a dazed Alison lying on the floor.

He had tied her up just like Shana. He’d taped her mouth shut. She had a cut on her head.

_I’ll fucking kill him for touching her…_

Alison’s eyes fluttered open and when she saw what was happening she whimpered.

“Ali…” Emily was so close she could see the confusion and fear in her eyes. She ripped her gaze away from Alison and glared over her shoulder at him. “I’ll fucking kill you.”

“Watch your mouth.” He kicked her again.

The hit flipped her on to her back. She groaned and he kicked her again. Alison screamed from beneath the tape, a muffled, _“STOP IT!”_

She struggled against her restraints. She rubbed her cheek against the floor to try and loosen the tape. She watched in horror as he ripped Emily off of the floor and slammed her against the wall.

“You never should have come back home.” He held his arm against her windpipe. He pressed the gun against her temple. “Do you have any idea how exhausting it has been trying to track you down so I could fix the mess you made of things?”

“You’re a fucking psycho.”

“And you’re a little shit. You haven’t changed one bit.”

“You’re wrong about that.” She was smarter. She was stronger. She had learned to fight back in other ways.

She also knew how to work her surroundings. She could see Alison desperately working to try and get her hands free. If she could get loose they had a chance.

He grabbed her jaw roughly.

“Don’t test me.” He pushed his face into hers.

She grit her teeth and took a shaky breath. He was so close. She could smell him. She was trying not to panic.

“You know, I almost had you that night in the club…” Those eyes. She _had_ seen them. He’d really been there. He’d drugged her. God, what would he have done to her if Alison hadn’t found her? “I wish you could have seen your face. Your pretty little drugged out face.” He lightly smacked her cheek. Emily flinched. “It was so easy.” He laughed. “Would have been able to nab you if it hadn’t been for the crowds. Thought I lost my chance. But then one afternoon I saw that little friend of yours. Little fag-a-licious. Figured he might be someone important to you. Thought I’d send you a message.”

_“He had the meanest eyes,”_ Charles had said.

“And now you’ve given me a blank slate.” He glanced at Alison, who stilled immediately when his eyes were on her.

“No.” Emily growled firmly. “No. You got what you want. You got me.” Emily glanced at Alison and Shana. “Just let them go. Please…”

“Not on your life.” He smirked. “You know as well as I do I can’t leave any witnesses alive.”

“They won’t tell anyone. They won’t talk.” She was pleading, desperate. And she hated it. She felt like she was a defenseless kid again.

_“The hell I won’t.” _Alison threatened through the tape.

“Got something to say, blondie?” He asked. He took a step back. He kept the gun aimed at Emily and he kept his eyes on her as he leaned over Alison.

“Stop it! Stop. Leave her alone.” Emily snapped.

He grinned and put his fingers against the edge of the tape, ripping it off with an excessive amount of force. Alison screamed out in surprise, but in the same breath she started yelling at him.

“If you hurt her I will kill you.”

He still had his eyes on Emily. His finger was on the trigger. All it would take was one little motion.

“You wait your turn, little girl.” He brushed his knuckles against Alison’s cheek.

Emily lunged forward without thinking. Seeing him touch Alison brought out something raw and primal in her.

“Get away from her.”

He was ready for her. He’d been baiting her. He raised the gun and fired it over her head. The sound blasted through the air. The bullet splintered the door to the basement.

Emily’s ears were buzzing. Her mind was momentarily back overseas, holding her brother as he died. But then her instincts took over. She threw an uppercut at him, making contact with his jaw.

He wasn’t fazed.

“There she is.” He cackled. He backhanded her and threw her against the wall again. He pressed his body against hers, his weight holding her down.

“You grew up real nice, Emmy.”

“Don’t fucking call me that.”

“I’ll call you whatever the fuck I want.” He shoved her face roughly with his palm

Emily begged herself to fight back. She knew she _could_ fight back. She could beat his ass. But something about him paralyzed her with a fear she’d never known. He shoved his face close to hers, the smell of tobacco and whiskey on his breath. She flinched, closing her eyes and whimpering, thinking of all the times she’d smelled that scent before…of all the times he breathed heavily in her face while he was on top of her.

“You let her fuck you?” He grinned sadistically, his other hand landing on her thigh. She jumped again. He moved his hand in, groping her roughly. “You think about me when she does?” He taunted. “Cuz this is and always will be mine, you hear me?”

Emily felt herself shaking. And she was pissed at herself for freezing. He didn’t deserve the satisfaction.

“You never found a dick as good as daddy’s, huh? So you had to settle for a little rugmuncher.”

“Fuck you.” Emily spit, her fist hurling towards his face again. He blocked it and shoved the gun into her mouth.

Emily could vaguely make out the sound of Alison screaming at him in the background.

“I’m going to tell you how this is going to play out. First, I’m going to take back what’s mine. I’m going to make sure you can’t walk…” He slowly turned his attention to the blonde. “And then…I’m going to fuck her while you watch. I want you to see her face when I come inside her…”

Something snapped inside of Emily. A light turned on in her head. She reared back and every ounce of fear she felt was gone, replaced with the innate desire to protect her girl…to fight back, to survive…even if that meant dying at his hand.

She reached up and snatched the barrel of the gun, moving her head sideways and slipping the muzzle out of her mouth in case he fired. She twisted it as he started to pull the trigger. She punched him hard in the side and then clawed at his face.

He stumbled back, nearly tripping over Alison. He stepped on her hand and she let out a yelp. Hearing Alison cry fueled Emily’s rage. She turned the gun on him, but before she could fire he threw a weighted ceramic bowl at her. It hit her shoulder and jaw. Emily felt like her ear was on fire. She felt something warm trickling down her earlobe. She could feel the blood draining down her face.

He bulldozed her and knocked the gun out of her hands. It went skidding across the floor. Alison watched as it disappeared underneath the couch.

Alison struggled to push herself into a sitting position. She watched helplessly as he wrapped his hands around Emily’s neck and started choking her. Emily didn’t go down easy. She dug her nails into his face. She reared back and punched him in the head as hard as she could, but she was starting to lose steam.

Emily was a hell of a fighter, but he had over one hundred pounds on her. Alison panicked when she saw Emily slipping out of consciousness. Alison used the wall as support to get to her feet. She couldn’t walk because of the restraints, but she was able to throw her weight against him, knocking him off of Emily.

“Em…” Alison stumbled on to her knees in front of her.

He crawled on to his knees and angrily lurched at Alison. He threw his shoulder against her body and it knocked her off balance. Emily looked up just in time to see Alison tumbling down the stairs to the basement.

“ALISON!” She screamed, her voice hoarse.

Alison felt every agonizing bump as she hit the edges of the stairs. She did her best to keep her hands near her face to try and protect her head. She felt something slice into her arm. Whatever it was cut into the restraints, too. She landed at the bottom of the stairs. She heard something snap and felt an agonizing sharp pain in her ankle.

She laid against the cold basement floor in a daze for a few seconds. She could hear Emily shouting for her. Her head felt fuzzy. She felt like going to sleep. But she fought it.

She could hear the commotion upstairs.

Emily ran towards the basement, but was stopped short when he wrapped his arms around her waist and tackled her. She grabbed a decorative urn and slammed it against his temple. She knocked him back against the coffee table.

The antique table crumbled beneath his weight. All the items on it went careening through the air. A jar of potpourri burst open on the floor. A large splintered piece of wood sliced his outer thigh. She heard him hiss in pain. It was satisfying, but it wasn’t enough for her. She wanted him to suffer. She wanted his skin sloughing off. She wanted to cut him up, piece by piece.

She rushed him, ready to end him. In a desperate attempt to regain the upperhand he scooped up a handful of potpourri and flung it at her face. She felt the gritty material stinging her eyes, but it didn’t stop her.

He managed to get to his feet. He reached out for something else to defend himself, knocking over one of the candles near the curtains.

The thin fabric exploded into flames. He threw the sterling silver base from the candle at her. Hot wax splattered against her arm, first burning and then hardening against her skin. She didn’t feel it. She didn’t feel anything but her adrenaline.

She grabbed a letter opener and charged him. He grabbed a broken table leg and swung it at her. She jumped back, narrowly missing the hit.

She heard something crackling behind her and out of the corner of her eye she saw flames spreading rapidly. The wood the cabin was built out of was the perfect kindling for the fire. Smoke was already starting to fill up the room.

“You’re going to listen to them burn.” He cackled maniacally.

Emily’s eyes frantically darted towards the basement. How the hell was she going to get Alison out?

Alison could smell the smoke. It didn’t register at first. She thought she was dying. She had the most random thought about how people smelled burned toast before they died. But then she remembered that was usually just for people having strokes. Though, maybe she was having a stroke.

The pain in her ankle was a not-so-subtle reminder that she was very much alive. She sat up and rubbed her head. Then she realized that her arms were loose. She looked at the gash in her right arm where something had torn her skin as she was tumbling down the stairs. She quickly reached down to untie her feet.

When she moved her left ankle she felt an insurmountable amount of pain. She rolled her pants up and saw a large bulge and a swelling bruise. It was definitely broken.

“Fuck.” She pulled herself into a sitting position.

She could hear Emily fighting upstairs. The reality of the situation set in. She tried to stand on her feet, but the pain was too much.

She took a breath and told herself she could do it. Emily had carried her through half of Rosewood after taking a bullet for her. She could…she _had_ to make it up the stairs.

She looked around for something she could use as a crutch. Her eyes landed on the busted Pilates machine. She silently thanked Emily for all the rough sex they’d had on it.

She leaned against the wall for support and grabbed a broken rod from the machine to help her keep the weight off of her ankle. She stared up the stairs. It looked daunting, but Emily needed her, so she started hobbling up, taking it one step at a time.

Emily was frantic as she tried to get to the basement to get Alison out, but he was doing everything in his power to keep her from getting to her. He smashed the leg of the table against her side, trying to knock her down. She retaliated by stabbing him in the side with the letter opener. She put as much force behind it as she could, but getting through his thick skin wasn’t easy. It didn’t stop him from continuing to strong-arm her away from the basement.

She looked around for the gun, but she hadn’t seen where it went during the commotion.

Emily grabbed another leg from the broken table and swung it at his head as hard as she could. He wobbled back on his feet and she hit him again. Then a third time, watching as he fell to the floor.

Emily spun around and saw the flames licking at Shana’s feet. She rushed to Shana’s side. Blood was pooling on the floor around her. She looked dead, but she was still breathing.

“Shana.” She patted her cheek. “Shana, wake up.” She grasped her restraints and tried to loosen them.

The fire climbed up the wall beside them and came dangerously close to Shana’s body. Emily grabbed her arms and pulled her towards the door.

Emily almost had her out when she heard a loud crash. He was stumbling after her, knocking dishes and utensils to the ground as he barreled towards her. She braced herself for the hit, so when he crashed into her it didn’t hurt as much as they tumbled to the floor. He reared back and punched her hard in the face.

It dazed Emily.

He looked around the cabin in disarray.

“Not exactly how I planned this, but I’ll take what I can get.”

He held her down. She squirmed beneath him. Emily’s heart skipped a beat. She knew what was coming next. He’d been habitual in his behaviors when she was younger. But she wasn’t going down without a fight.

As he reached for his zipper she slapped her hand against the floor where several items had fallen. Her fingers landed on something sharp. It was a corn holder. She raised it up and slammed it into the side of his neck. He yelled out and cursed at her. She’d been aiming for his jugular, but he was a moving target.

She pulled the prongs out and aimed again, but he punched her again before she could jab it in his neck. He’d put all of his weight into the punch. Emily felt it in her entire body. She felt fresh blood gushing out of her nose. Her lip felt like it had been split in two.

She kept her hand wrapped around the tiny weapon. She thrust it forward, but this time she aimed for his crotch. She put as much force as she could behind it and drove the sharp spokes into his dick. He howled out like an injured animal in the wild. Emily pulled back and did it again. And a third time. She could see the blood pooling near the crotch of his pants.

He rolled off of her and she climbed on top of him and started working his face with her knuckles.

“Fuck you.” She smashed her fist into his nose. “Fuck everything you ever did to us.” She hit him again. “To me.” Another punch. “To Ethan.” She drove her fist into his nose. “To Ellie.” Her voice broke. “Fuck you!” She yelled again. “You _ruined_ me!” Blood dribbled off of her face and into his eyes. She hoped it felt like acid. She wanted him to burn. “You made me think I was fucked up just like you.” Her face felt like it was on fire. The tears hurt worse than the cuts. “You took things that I can never get back.” She was sobbing in anger. “We were kids.” She sucked in a pained gasp. “I was a kid…”

“You’re all grown up now, aren’t you?” He smirked, his face bloodied and bruised. “Look at you.”

Emily wasn’t sure how he was able to talk. His jaw had to be broken. She had done to him what he’d done to Charles. She continued her assault. She was hitting him so hard that the back of his head was smacking the floor. He reached down as she was drawing back to hit him again, his hand moving towards his belt buckle.

“Guess what, kid?” He sputtered blood out as he spoke. He grinned at her, revealing a bunch of broken teeth. “You grew up just like me. You’re a killer. Just. Like. Me.”

The words paralyzed Emily. She held her fist above him, her brain telling her to finish him off. But hearing those words…_just like me_…it fractured something inside of her.

Her hesitation ended up being a fatal mistake.

By the time he pulled the hidden hunting knife out of its sheath it was too late. She felt the knife gliding in between her ribs. It slid into her like butter, but cut her roughly like a jagged saw.

He shoved the blade into her up to the hilt. She felt every last inch of it. Her nerve endings burned, sending shooting waves of pain throughout her body, down into her limbs. Her side felt like it was on fire.

She saw him rearing back, drawing the blade out, which left a strange painful emptiness worse than the feeling of the knife being buried into her side. She looked down and saw her blood on the blade. It didn’t look real. It wasn’t like the blood on her hands in the motel. It was different.

“Emily!” She heard a faint cry.

_Alison._

Alison always found her when she needed her the most. She fell off of him and rolled on to her back. She saw his shadow moving next to her. He managed to get on to his knees.

Alison hobbled towards the kitchen on the Pilates crutch, gun in hand. She’d retrieved it from underneath the couch. She was on a mission.

Smoke plumes were filling the air, but through the thick fog Emily saw Alison emerging. She looked over his shoulder and saw her raise the gun. Alison didn’t even think twice before firing. She fired two shots, but it jammed on the third shot. The first shot missed, but the second shot ripped through his back and exploded through the front of his sternum.

He fell over and rolled on to his back, gasping for air. Emily watched as blood started trickling out of his mouth. His arms were like helpless flippers against the ground as he flailed around.

Emily pushed herself to sit up. She watched him struggle to breathe as his lungs filled with blood. She crawled over him, staring into his eyes. She could barely breathe, but that didn’t stop her. Her training had come in to play. She’d fought through some pretty horrific injuries overseas. This was no different.

“Look at me.”

_Look at what you did to me. Look at what you turned me in to._

He refused, so she roughly grabbed his chin like he’d done to her so many times when she was little. His power was gone now.

“You don’t get to control me anymore.”

It was hard for her to speak. She felt like she was underwater and she couldn’t catch her breath.

“You don’t get to hurt me anymore.” She pushed her free arm against his throat, cutting off his airway, killing him faster. “You’re _nothing_.”

His eyes wandered, but she dug her fingernails into his jaw and forced him to hold eye contact.

“No. You look at me.”

She wanted her face to be the last thing he ever saw.

And it was.

His eyes rolled back, his eyelids fluttering closed. She had expected him to go out with a bang. But it was nothing more than a mere quiet whimper.

When his body stilled she let go of his jaw. She felt a whirlwind of pain and anger pouring out of her. And she couldn’t stop it. She thought that when he was dead she wouldn’t feel it anymore. But now she was sitting on the floor next to his dead body and bleeding to death. And it pissed her off.

She cried out and started beating him again. She couldn’t stand his fucking face. Alison limped over to her and leaned down.

“Hey, it’s over.” Alison pulled her backwards. “It’s over.”

Emily looked at her trembling hands, battered and bloodied and bruised. She lowered her head and let out a sob, a cry that tore out of her throat as she let go of all the pain she was holding in. She tried to draw in a deep breath, but couldn’t get the air she needed. She felt something warm bubbling at the back of her throat and she tasted copper. Blood.

_It hit the lung, too_. She thought to herself.

“We have to go.” Alison could barely see through the smoke.

“Shana…” The other girl was still knocked out. Emily was starting to worry about brain injuries. “Help her.”

Alison helped Emily to her feet. She was covered in so much of his blood that Alison didn’t realize she’d been stabbed.

“Can you walk?” Alison asked.

Emily nodded.

“Get Shana.”

Emily grabbed the counter for support, not letting Alison see the full extent of her injuries. Alison managed to get Shana out the side door. Emily tried to follow, but she lost her footing. Her feet were going numb.

She looked down at the stream of blood. It was warm, almost hot at first, but as it dripped down her skin she felt the liquid cooling. It was a strange sensation.

Alison rushed back in when she realized Emily wasn’t behind her. Her ankle was killing her, but the thought of losing Emily was more painful than her physical injuries.

She saw Emily struggling and helped her to her feet, and that’s when she noticed the fresh blood drenching her shirt. Alison tried to help her by supporting her weight. She nearly buckled under the taller girl, but somehow she found the strength to get her out of the burning building.

Droplets of blood dripped along the floor, getting larger and larger as they moved towards the door. Emily kept her hand against the stab wound. She could feel Alison’s hand on top of hers holding pressure against it. She looked back at him one last time. She could see the flames overtaking him.

“How bad is it?” Alison wanted to lift up her shirt and look, but she had to use both of her arms to support Emily’s weight.

“I’ve had worse…”

She looked down and saw blood oozing out between her fingers. In a strange way it was soothing, the flow of the liquid against her skin, like a trickling stream of water flowing with the current. It felt warm. But she felt cold. She stumbled when they got outside.

They both fell to the ground several feet from the porch. Alison heard Emily groan. The burning cabin was emitting a bright beacon of light over them, lighting up the vast darkness of the forest.

She rolled up Emily’s shirt. Her stomach felt heavy when she saw the gash. It looked deep.

“Fuck.” Alison reached towards Shana, frantically searching for her cell phone.

She didn’t find a phone, but she found her small pocket radio. Alison turned it on and radioed for help.

“Help. Please help. If anyone can hear me…Shana is hurt. Emily is hurt. We’re all hurt. The cabin is on fire. We need help.”

At first all she got back was a hiss of static. But then she heard a voice.

“On our way. Someone called in because of the flames. Just hold on.”

Alison listened, and she could hear the faint distant sounds of sirens bellowing in the air. They were close. Shana had them stationed close. She dropped the radio and turned back to Emily, who was staring at the stars.

“It’s a nice night,” Emily muttered. “Quiet.” She tried to loosen her jaw. She could feel every cut on her body. “Nature…it’s…” _Powerful forces._ She’d felt it the first night she’d met Alison. “It’s so powerful.”

Alison stroked her face, trying to keep her focused.

“You’re really warm, Ali.” Emily smiled through her pain. Alison put pressure against the stab wound. “It’s bad, isn’t it?”

“It’s just a little papercut.”

“You’re a shit liar.” Emily forced a pained grimace on her face. She pressed her lips together and mumbled. “I can’t feel my feet.”

“I wish I couldn’t feel mine.” The horrid pain in her ankle had returned with vigor.

Emily could see the pain in her eyes.

“You’re hurt.” She frowned at Alison.

“Not as bad as you are.”

“So it _is_ bad. Guess it’s a good thing the liver is already dying.”

Emily pressed her hand firmly against the stab wound and sat up, her back scratching the bark of a tree. She struggled to catch her breath as she tried to lift her shirt and look at the injury.

“What happened?” Alison asked.

“Knife. I think it nicked the liver. Probably my lung, too. I feel really lightheaded.” She coughed, blood sputtering out of her mouth. “I think I’m going to pass out.” She picked her head up, and it was a strain for her to do so. She barely had any strength left. “If I do there’s something you need to know.”

“What?” Alison’s palms automatically reached for her face.

They were both crying, but neither of them took note of the tears. Emily’s lips twitched, and for a fraction of a second it looked like she was trying to smile.

“I’m in love with you, too.” She moved her forehead down until it was against Alison’s. “I’m sorry I never said it back.”

“You’re going to get plenty of opportunities to make it up to me.”

“Ali…” Emily lowered her head, her eyes grave. “Don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”

“Help is coming.”

“We both know they won’t make it in time. I’m all out of lives.” Emily lifted her fingers to touch Alison’s cheek. “Besides, you’re the one who saves me.” But not this time. And they both knew it.

“Em…” Alison cried.

“I’m sorry I shut you out.” Emily sucked in a harsh breath. “I’m sorry I never told you. You make a difference at what you do. You made a difference with me. You did everything right.” She could see Alison’s pain glistening in the reflection of the fire. “But Spencer is right.” She breathed slowly. “Sometimes there is nothing you can do to stop a trainwreck.”

“Spencer is wrong. I was on that train the day I met you, and I’m not just watching from the outside. We’re in this together, Emily. We always were.”

Emily looked into Alison’s eyes. Her beautiful blue eyes. They were like a calming sky on a summer day. She thought about how she’d talked to Alison about the weather when she was overdosing under the bridge. Horrible storms passed.

_“When they pass we have the warmth of the sun again.”_

Alison had been her sun.

“I don’t regret any of it.” Emily smiled.

Alison closed her eyes and a quiet sob shook her body. She felt her tears streaming over her lips. She knew she had an embarrassing amount of snot trickling down against her upper lip, but she didn’t care.

Emily reached up, barely in control of her arm. She pushed her palm against Alison’s neck. She felt so calm despite everything that was happening.

“Everything that happened to me led me to you.” She gripped Alison’s hand. “And you’re…” She struggled to catch her breath, “…you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” She groaned and gritted her teeth in pain. “I can’t…ungh…fuck.” She groaned again. “I can’t catch my breath. I need…” The world was spinning around her. “I need to lie down. Help me…”

Alison eased her back, helping her lie flat again. She watched as she forcefully tried to take a breath, but her breathing was short and harsh. She coughed up flecks of blood.

For the first time in her life she was facing death…and _not_ wanting to die.

“You’re too stubborn to die, remember?” Alison begged. “You’ve got this, Em. You’ve made it through worse. You’re a survivor. It’s what you do.”

Emily smiled weakly at her.

“You’ll never give up on me, will you?”

“Never.” Alison ran her fingers through her hair.

Alison gently moved Emily’s hand away from her injury. It’s not like the brunette had it in her to fight back. She felt Alison’s palms come down hard against the oozing injury.

Emily sucked in a gasp and Alison moved one of her bloody palms up against Emily’s cheeks.

“I’m going to get you out of this, Emily.” Tears bit her eyes. “I promise.”

Emily stared at Alison. Maybe this was how things were destined to end. Everything circled back to the night they met.

“This…it seems familiar.” Emily squinted in confusion. “You’re here.” _Again._ “But it’s…it’s not the same…” She bit down on her lip, “I don’t think I want to die, Ali.”

“Then you won’t. I…I won’t let you.”

“It doesn’t hurt.” Emily stared at the sky.

“The pressure must be helping…”

“No. Not that.” Emily tried to focus. “I don’t hurt anymore. It doesn’t hurt. I think I’m okay. I think I just need to close my eyes for a minute. I just need to rest…” She heaved out a breath. “You’ll stay with me, right?”

“Always.”

Emily reached up, putting her hand over the palm that Alison had on her gushing wound. And she smiled.

“I’m glad it was you.”

“What?”

“I’m glad it was you who answered the phone that night. I think you were my destiny, Alison.” She peered at her. “Thank you for being my fate.”

Alison had helped her close out a chapter of her life that had been haunting her for so many years.

She took a few more forced breaths, but then her breathing slowed.

“I think I’m done now.” She shut her eyes. “I think it’s finally over.”

* * *

**A/N: ** _I see those pitchforks. Look at me doing what I do best giving you lots of sweet fluffy angst and then a Shakespearean amount of pain and death. Do you hate me yet? The bestie very calmly said she was going to tie me to a chair and make me do math (side note: I hate math). _

_I knew (and you all probably knew, too...to an extent) they weren’t getting out of this unscathed, so here we are again, my friends. I know it probably feels like de ja vu. It was tough to bring it to this climax after everything they’ve been through, but the way I wrote the antagonist (whom I specifically did not name, because I don’t believe in notoriety for psychopaths) was always going to have to circle back to his deeply disturbing violent personality (and his high level of intelligence). In the end it also had to circle back to Emily realizing in the most painfully poetic way that she didn’t want to die. _

_We’re almost at the end. I appreciate those who stuck around. I know the content is very hard-hitting. Thank you for trusting me to tell this story despite the heaviness of the subject material. These characters are so complex. I have done my best in trying to balance them out to show both the humanity and the imperfections. I wanted to be real about the struggle, but also show that there are some things that are worth fighting for, worth living for._


	20. Portrait of Strength

**A/N: ** _*slides tissues and emotional support animals over to everyone reading*_

* * *

**Chapter 20:**

**Portrait of Strength**

Emily had fought many battles in her life, but in the end she’d won the most important ones…the ones inside herself. She found a sense of peace as she lied on the ground dying. She couldn’t see Alison, but she could feel her. And that was enough for her. She knew that she was dying surrounded by love, and that’s all she could have ever hoped for.

She was clinically dead when she was hauled off in the ambulance. The paramedics were working hard to revive her. They wouldn’t let Alison on the rig. She screamed when the door closed, an agonizing yell that echoed in the trees. The pain in her ankle was nothing compared to her heartache.

The firefighters had whisked them away so they could battle the blaze. The cabin was a total loss, but they had to work to prevent the fire from spreading to the trees. Alison watched the thick black smoke through the flashing red lights.

The police swarmed them. Shana had been conscious by that point. The first responders were trying to stabilize them on the scene while they waited for additional ambulatory services. Shana could barely speak a comprehensive sentence, and Alison had gone catatonic. So when the police officers asked them what happened, neither could answer. It was just like the night Alison had killed her parents and Darren, down to the eerie coincidence that she’d shot him in the kitchen.

By the time Alison got to the hospital she was pumped full of drugs. She could barely keep her eyes open. But she had enough fight in her to try and climb off of the stretcher to go find Emily.

“Whoa, whoa, there sweetheart.” A young Middle Eastern doctor stopped her from falling to the ground. Alison tried to read his badge, but everything was spinning. “You’ve got enough narcotics in you to knock out a horse…or a Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Besides, you don’t need to be up on that ankle. I can barely maneuver these halls on two good feet. Let’s get you back to X-Ray.”

He seemed nice enough. But Alison still wanted to bite him to get him to let go of her and make a run for wherever the hell Emily was. But she was defenseless because of the drugs, so she just fell back against the stretcher and let them take her to see how bad the break in her ankle looked.

She was nearly drunk out of her mind when the radiologist and orthopedic surgeon walked in and explained that because of the complexity of the break she was going to have to have surgery to place two corrective pins and a plate in her bone.

“Emily…” It was the first thing she’d said since Emily had been taken away from her. “Where is Emily?”

It was the first of many times that she asked, but no one would tell her anything. She was pissed off, scared, and alone.

It didn’t dawn on her to reach out to anyone. It didn’t even dawn on her that she wasn’t _really_ alone.

She felt like a jackass when she saw a nurse rolling Shana into her room in a wheelchair. After they’d been taken away by different ambulances she had completely forgotten to check on her friend.

The bruising on Shana’s face looked terrible. Her right eye was nearly swollen shut. She had two stitches in her lip and several more closing up a gash near her temple. She had two butterfly bandages on a cut in her forehead. She’d taken a hell of a beating.

The nurse rolled her wheelchair over to Alison’s bedside.

“Hey.” Alison didn’t recognize her own voice. The medication was making her head feel huge, like it was filling the room.

“Hey. I’m not supposed to be out of bed, but I wanted to check on you.”

“They’re going to take me in for surgery to put pins in my ankle in the morning. Are you okay?”

“Concussion. Got a hell of a headache, but I don’t know if it’s from the hit or the drugs. He dosed me with something to knock me out.” Shana flinched when she spoke. “But I’ve had worse. Remember when I took that bullet three years ago?”

“God, I was so pissed at you for almost dying.”

“Seems to be a recurring theme in your life.”

“Have you heard anything about Emily?”

Shana looked at the ground. It was hard for Alison to see her eyes. The room was so dim and her face was so swollen. But she knew what Shana was going to say.

“I’m so sorry, Alison.” She reached up and put her hand on top of Alison’s. “They don’t think she’s going to make it. The bleeding was too severe and she was just down for too long…”

“But she’s still alive?”

“She’s on machines that are keeping her alive. One of her lungs is a wreck. Her liver is beyond repair. They’re using some artificial form of hepatic…something…I can’t remember.” She rubbed her throbbing head. “It’s a temporary solution.”

“Is she…is her brain…” Alison was afraid to ask.

“I don’t think they know if she has normal brain activity yet. I think they’re just going based off of her physical symptoms.”

“Then she still has a fighting chance.”

“Alison…”

“No. You don’t know her like I know her, Shana. She’ll fight. She will.”

“Even if she regains consciousness there isn’t anything that can be done about her liver now.”

“Then I’ll find something.” Alison refused to accept the inevitable. She refused to believe that after everything that Emily didn’t get to be happy. Shana lowered her head. Alison couldn’t tell if it was because she was trying to hide her emotions or if she was dizzy. “You okay?”

“I uh…I should probably get back to bed.” She glanced at the nurse. Alison squeezed her hand. Shana squeezed it back. “I’m sorry. I should have known…” Shana sighed. “She warned me. _You_ warned me. But he just came out of nowhere…”

Despite how fast it had happened, time in that cabin had felt like it was at a standstill when they were trapped with him.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Alison stared at the wall, blinking back tears.

The drab shade of paint made her feel like she was staring at a projector, and it was replaying the moment she felt the butt of the gun slamming against her head as she’d been walking into the kitchen to make some tea for Emily.

“We overestimated him.” Shana grimaced.

“Emily didn’t.” Emily had known. Emily knew she was going to have to fight. “He would have killed us. She knew that.” She knew that, so she’d stepped in. She’d put her life on the line for them.

“Ali, I am so sorry. I really am. I hope you can forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. He’s gone. She’s free.” Alison assured her. She saw the defeated look on Shana’s face. “Go get some rest.”

Shana nodded.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can to check on you.”

Alison squeezed her hand again and then let go. The nurse wheeled Shana out of the room, leaving Alison’s nurse free to come in and check her vital signs.

“How ya feeling, honey?”

_What a stupid question._ Alison thought to herself. But she knew the woman was just making conversation. She let her do what she needed to do. Before the nurse could leave Alison reached for her arm.

“Can I see my girlfriend?”

“I’m sorry.” The nurse sighed. “She’s in ICU. And you’re not supposed to be moving around.” Alison wanted to scream, but the drugs were dulling her senses. “Even if I wanted to, I can’t get you in. We have strict regulations for the safety of…”

“_Safety_?” Alison snorted. “All the shit she’s been through and _I’m_ the safety risk?”

“It’s just our policy.”

“Well, your policy sucks.” Alison buried her head deeper into her pillow.

She waited for the nurse to leave and then picked up the phone next to her bed. She only knew one number by heart.

The number that had saved Emily’s life the first time.

Aria wasn’t working like she’d been hoping. She got one of their trainees. She had the kid go into her cubicle and get Cece’s number. She didn’t want to call Aria this late at night and risk waking Ellie up. But she knew that Cece would be awake and working at the hospital.

She hurried the kid off of the phone so she wouldn’t be taking up the phone line in case someone else needed it. There were plenty of other Emilys out there who needed someone to care.

She called the hospital and bullied the receptionist into getting Cece on the phone.

When Cece answered the entire story poured out of Alison in loud uneven sobs. Cece had to tell her to slow down several times.

“Fuck, Ali. I…” She was stunned, “…I had no idea you two were going through any of this. If I had…”

“We had to keep everyone else out of it. We had to or else you all could have been hurt, too.”

“Listen, I’m going to get someone to cover for me. You shouldn’t be up there alone…”

“I have Shana and Emily.”

“Sweetie, Emily is in a coma and Shana sounds like she’s in the same shape you’re in. I’m coming. No arguments.”

Alison felt her lower lip quivering. She thought she was all cried out. She didn’t think she had it left in her. But somehow, her body found more water to turn into tears.

“This is all just so fucked up. It’s not fair. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”

“I’m on my way.”

“Can you…” Her voice trembled. “Will you get in touch with Aria and Spencer for me?”

“Of course. I’ll be there soon, okay?”

Alison drifted out of consciousness after she got off the phone with Cece.

She was asleep for hours.

When she woke up Cece was sitting next to her in her scrubs reading a medical book.

“Come to diagnose me with an irrational anger disorder?”

“Hey. There you are.” Cece put the book down. “If anything, you’re a classic case of redirection by codependency.”

“How long have I been out?”

“Six hours. I got here about three hours ago. May have broken the speed barrier, but I made it in one piece.”

“How the hell did you break _any_ barriers in that little canteen you call a car?”

Cece laughed under her breath. She reached up and touched Alison’s hand. There was a quiet moment of tension.

“Ali, I’m really sorry about Emily…”

“Don’t go there, Cece. She’s not dead yet.” Though she had been asleep for six hours. What if something had happened? “Oh, God…is she?”

“No. She’s still the same. I asked for an update a few hours ago. Guess since I’m still in my gear they see me as one of their own. Let’s not tell them I don’t even go here.”

Alison opened her mouth to speak, but her jaw hurt. Every part of her face hurt. Her lips, especially the inside of her lips felt painful. And dry. She licked her lips, but it didn’t help because her tongue was dry, too.

“Did you get in touch with Spencer and Aria?”

“Spencer didn’t answer. She’s probably got her phone on silent. She’s got a really big case going on. I talked to Aria, though. She wanted to come, but I told her the best thing she could do right now is to make sure your little therapy group is taken care of. Someone is going to need to be there for them when they find out.”

It amazed Alison that Cece had the foresight to think about that. She was glad _someone_ was thinking clearly. Her head was a complete fog.

“Get some rest, hon. You look like hell.”

On one of her better days Alison would have had a witty retort. But Cece was right. Alison knew her outsides matched her insides, except in terms of pain. Even though she had a broken ankle, her heart hurt worse.

She didn’t argue with Cece. She couldn’t argue with her. All she could do was cry herself back to sleep. Cece held her hand the whole time.

**o ~ O ~ o**

After Alison’s surgery she turned into an utter terror to the staff. They still wouldn’t let her see Emily.

After three days of the same bullshit Alison blew her top.

“I want out of this shithole.” Alison moved against the side of her bed.

“Easy, you’re not supposed to be putting weight on your ankle yet, not even with the cast.” Aria put her hand out to stop her from standing up. She hadn’t been able to stay away. She’d ridden up with Spencer the day after Alison’s surgery.

“Then I will _drag_ myself out on my ass.” Alison huffed in frustration.

“What about Emily?” Spencer asked.

“I’m dragging her out, too, machines and all.” She looked at Aria. “Help me into my wheelchair. I want to talk to the manager.”

“Yeah, okay Karen.”

But her mind was made up. She wanted to be home…to be close to her family, her support system. Even though they were with her, she was still three hours away from the only place where she had stability. She couldn’t stay in this Godforsaken hospital in this Godforsaken town any longer. She wanted to be as far away from the ashes that were left from the cabin fire.

She spent half an hour arguing with someone in the legal department. They told her that if she left she’d be leaving against medical advice and that she’d have to sign a waiver. Alison asked for it on the spot. After she signed for herself she fought the same battle for Emily. That was a lot more complicated.

“I want her transferred.”

“We don’t recommend that.” The legal aid shook her head.

“I don’t give a shit what you recommend. I’m taking her home.”

“I’m afraid that from a legal standpoint…”

“From a legal standpoint, you can speak to her lawyer.” Spencer intervened. Alison had been fighting her battle fairly well on her own, but Spencer knew she was going to have to pull some major punches to get Emily out of the hospital. She pulled out her card and slapped it down on the desk. “Spencer Hastings. You’ve probably heard of my firm.” She was a legend, and she knew she was a legend. “Let’s just skip the bureaucracy. Cut that red tape before I cut it for you and take all your money doing it.”

“I’m sorry, you’re whose lawyer? Hers or Miss Fields’?”

“Both.” Spencer replied coolly. “I represent both of them on behalf of the state of Pennsylvania. Trust me, you don’t want this to escalate. I have medical documentation from a previous hospital of an undisclosed illness. Emily Fields has been in the care of Alison DiLaurentis for the past six months. She has legal grounds to make decisions for her healthcare.”

“Do you have any documents stating…”

“Listen…” Spencer almost doubled over when she saw the woman’s nametag “_Karen_.” Of course her name was Karen. “Do you really want to get into this with me? I could drag you to court and drain your time and money or you can transfer Miss Fields home where she belongs.”

Alison watched the two of them go back and forth for nearly twenty minutes. In the end, Spencer won. They were filling out forms to get Emily transferred to a hospital closer to home that same day.

The transfer was smooth, but it didn’t change anything. Alison wasn’t sure what she thought would change. Emily was still on a ventilator. She still needed a liver. Alison wasn’t a match or she would have donated a portion of hers in a heartbeat.

Emily’s friends all got tested, too, but no one was compatible. Charles and Andrew were both devastated to learn they couldn’t help her. Hanna said she’d forge the right answers and give Emily part of her liver. Mona had to explain to her that Emily’s body would reject it and she would die anyway.

Even Caleb came to the hospital to see if he could do for Emily what she’d done for him overseas and save her life. He wasn’t very chatty with anyone, but Hanna did manage to get a smile out of him when she bluntly and flirtatiously asked what had happened to his leg.

Caleb had cheekily responded,

_“Do I have you stumped?”_

Despite the gravity of their situation, Hanna had burst into laughter. It had eased some of the tension in the room. Caleb then explained that Emily had saved him overseas. He said he’d give up his other leg if it would save her now.

He was unfortunately not a match. After all of their friends had been tested and no one was eligible to donate, Alison reached the end of her rope. She had no idea what to do.

She weaseled her way into the ICU the same way she always weaseled her way into Emily’s room in the hospital.

She could barely see her through all of the machinery. The doctors told her that she didn’t show evidence of brain damage, but that they had to keep her in a medically induced coma while she was on the temporary bypass machine.

Alison didn’t know what else to do, so she just rolled her wheelchair up next to her and held her hand. She sat by her side for an hour before the nurses kicked her out.

She stayed in the waiting room doped up on pain killers for another three hours before Spencer and Aria forced her into the car and drove her home to rest.

She bitched at them the whole time.

“What if she wakes up and I’m not there?”

“They won’t wake her up without you,” Aria said.

“What if something happens…”

“What are you going to do? Scream at the nurses from the waiting room?” Spencer asked.

“Spencer.” Aria hissed, slapping her arm from the passenger’s seat.

“Sorry. I’ve just…there’s a lot happening at work.”

“I’m sorry that me and my girlfriend nearly dying inconvenienced you.”

“That’s not what I’m saying.” Spencer was trying to be understanding about Alison’s denial, but it was hard for her, because the harder that Alison clung to hope the more her heart would break when reality hit.

When they pulled into the driveway Lupo came barreling out the doggy door. Aria had brought him home, because she knew the dog would be a comfort to her.

They helped Alison into the house. Lupo was so excited to see her that he almost bowled her over. But he stopped when he saw the large clunky thing on her leg and the crutches holding her up.

Alison felt like dropping to the floor and wrapping her arms around her dog and crying into his fur. But if she fell to the ground she knew it would take her half an hour to get up, even with help.

“We’ve got the guest room set up for you so you don’t have to use the stairs.” Aria motioned towards the guest room.

The suggestion made Alison feel sick to her stomach.

“That’s Emily’s room.”

“Well, she’s not using it right now,” Spencer muttered.

Fortunately, Alison didn’t hear her. Aria did hear her, and she gave her the angriest look of disapproval that Spencer had ever seen. She threatened to kill her with her eyes.

“Let’s get you set up.” Spencer immediately changed her tone, fearing death by a tiny pixie if she didn’t.

“I’d prefer to stay on the couch.” She couldn’t face going into Emily’s room, not when she wasn’t sure if she’d ever come home.

She hobbled over towards the sofa and sat down thinking,

_Yes, this is where I live now. This will be my home._

“We can make that work, too. I was going to stay on the couch, but I can take your room or the spare room upstairs.” Spencer nodded.

“Wait, _you’re_ staying?”

“We’re taking shifts.” Aria sat down on the couch next to her. “We know how hard it is for you to get around with that cast. Spencer, Cece, Hanna, Charles, Mona, Melissa, and I…we’re all going to make sure you’ve got someone here who can get you things if you need them, and we can drive you places you need to go.”

“The only place I need a ride to is back to the hospital.” Alison complained. She looked at her friends. She appreciated what they were trying to do, but she was beyond annoyed at them. “No offense, but I didn’t invite you guys to crash here.”

“You take in helpless strays who get into bar brawls. You can make room for your best friends and your little hellions from therapy.” Spencer spit her attitude back at her.

“I can’t believe you conned them into it. I’m supposed to be taking care of them, not the other way around.”

“They were adamant about being able to do this for you. And for Emily,” Aria said.

“Did anyone think about Emily? Why isn’t someone going to be there for her? She needs it more than I do.”

“She’s in a coma.” Spencer reminded her.

“Dr. Kingston will take good care of her.” Aria tried to look at the bright side. “I think Cece is going to ask for privileges so she can see her. And hey, maybe Hanna will be successful at sneaking in this time around. And Emily’s friend…that guy Caleb…he seems really tech smart. He might be able to hack his way in, or at the very least pull some ‘I’m a veteran. She’s my sister in arms’ card.”

Alison took a moment to breathe and then she stared at the wall. She couldn’t feel anything. She was numb.

“This really fucking sucks.”

It was on a loop in her head.

_This really fucking sucks. This really fucking sucks. This really fucking sucks._

It became her mantra for the next three days. Everything fucking sucked. Everything was unfair. She was angry. She was hurt. She hated everything.

The doctors asked Alison repeatedly if Emily had a living will, an advanced healthcare directive that specified what her wishes were in the event that she was being kept alive by machines.

Alison told them she didn’t have one. She was stalling. She had no idea if Emily had one or not, but she didn’t want to find out. She knew what Emily’s mindset had been like. She knew that if she had a living will it would tell the doctors to pull the plug.

But the doctors didn’t know what Alison knew. The doctors didn’t see what Alison saw out at the cabin. Emily had _wanted_ to live. She had accepted death, but she didn’t want to die.

Alison sat in the ICU with her, holding her hand. She could still see her fighting, though the machines were doing most of the work for her. Alison mindlessly stroked Emily’s knuckles. She couldn’t see her face because of all of the tubes and wires. But she knew Emily was under all of the medical equipment.

She was so lost in thought that she barely heard what the doctor was saying. They were talking about attempting to ween her off of the sedation just enough to ask Emily if she wanted to stay on the bypass for the next month. Six weeks was the longest that was recommended. Every day she was on the machine she developed a risk for infection and blood clots and a lot of other deadly problems that Alison didn’t want to hear about.

Alison looked at Cece. She had asked her to sit in with her while the doctor explained their options. She knew certain things about medicine, but she was barely able to comprehend regular sentences, much less sentences filled with technical jargon.

“It’s not recommended, right?” Cece questioned.

“The stress and her pain levels could cause a problem. High blood pressure could lead to bleeding, strokes, and a failure of the current method of keeping her hepatic system functioning.”

“Her liver is already dead.” Alison grumbled hatefully.

She wasn’t mad at the doctors, but she was mad that they couldn’t fix Emily.

Cece asked all the right questions. She got all the right information. Then the doctor left them to talk about it. Cece explained it to her as best as she could. Alison didn’t like the defeated look on her face.

“She’s still in there.” Alison hovered over Emily and swiped her hand across the brunette’s forehead.

“He says there is no indication that her brain is damaged.”

“What about her lung? She was so sure that the knife hit her lung.” Alison cringed when she thought about seeing where the knife had gone into her body.

The look on Emily’s face from that night haunted her. Alison hated that man so much for all the pain he’d caused Emily. He’d been burned to a crisp in the fire. Part of her hated that he hadn’t been alive to feel his skin boiling off of his body.

“It nicked it, but that’s what the chest tube is for. It’s healing. They have her on a regulated amount of oxygen and if that was her only injury we’d be in better shape. But you can’t live without a liver.”

“I wish I could talk to her.” Alison stared at Emily’s chest moving in perfect sync with the machine.

“They could wake her up, but…”

“I know. I heard.” Alison rubbed her eyes. She hadn’t gotten any sleep since the night before the surgery on her ankle. And the only reason she’d slept that night was because of the drugs they’d shot her up with. “The hepatic thing…that means her liver, right? They’ve essentially just got a machine mimicking what her liver would do for her body. So…we could do something…talk to someone. Get her a liver. Find a live donor or something.”

“It can take years when you’re waiting on a donor liver.”

“Then I’ll wait with her.”

“She doesn’t have years,” Cece said softly. “Ali, babe, you’re clinging to something that’s never going to happen. I’m sorry. I really am. But you need to prepare yourself. A history like hers…the self-destruction, the suicide attempts, the substance abuse…” She was trying to find a way to say it delicately.

“You think she’s going to die no matter what.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just the way it is. It’s shitty and it sucks and it’s unfair. But there is only so much a human body can go through. The trauma she’s endured…” Cece shook her head sadly. “I’m just trying to prepare you.”

“Medicine has hardened you.”

“Science is proven. I hate it sometimes. But I’ve seen enough of this now to know how it goes.”

“Shouldn’t there be faith in medicine, too? Shouldn’t there be hope?”

“It’s a delicate balance.” Cece rubbed her forehead. She didn’t realize she was sweating so much. She didn’t realize she was _this_ upset. “I’ve seen people pray and pray and get nothing in return. And I’ve seen people who don’t believe in miracles and who believe in the science get a miracle they don’t believe in.”

Alison lowered her head, her lip quivering. In her heart she knew that Cece was right.

“She’s going to die.” She looked up at Cece, a heartbroken expression on her face. “They won’t put her on the list. And she’ll die.”

“I wish things were different.”

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t just give up on her.”

“I know.” Cece rubbed Alison’s arm.

Alison sighed and stared at Emily. She was exhausted and lost.

“How much do you think a liver goes for on the black market?”

After a few seconds they both burst into laughter. It felt wrong to laugh, but at the same time they knew it was the exact kind of dark comment that Emily would laugh at. So they laughed for her. They laughed because she couldn’t.

Their laughter carried into hallway, where someone was walking out of the room next door. They didn’t realize that someone had been listening the entire time. Someone who normally would have just walked on their way, but happened to see Emily’s name listed on the whiteboard outside her room. That person listened as Alison’s laughter turned into sobs of sorrow. They heard everything.

After the crying stopped the hospital halls were silent. The silence was one of the loudest noises in the world.

Alison couldn’t sleep that night. She laid on her couch, her ankle throbbing. Her brain was firing on all cylinders. Lupo was curled up next to her, shedding all over her cast. But she didn’t care. She mindlessly stroked the dog’s head. He’d been depressed because he knew Alison was hurt. Alison assumed he also missed Emily.

Around midnight Lupo hopped off of the couch and wandered towards Emily’s room, looking for her. He did that a lot. Alison waited for him to come back. When he didn’t return she went hobbling after him. Getting around her house with the cast had been a nightmare, but she’d gotten better at it.

“Lupo,” she quietly called, trying to get him to come out of Emily’s room.

Alison hadn’t been able to go into her room yet. She couldn’t bear to see it empty. But the dog was stubborn and refused to come out. So she went in after him.

She pushed the door open. The energy of stepping inside was overwhelming. What had once been a guest bedroom now had Emily’s signature all over it. Her drawings. Her clothes. Her duffel bag. There was a pair of jeans hanging over the back of a chair. It was weird, but Alison knew exactly when she’d worn them last. The night Peter had been shot.

Lupo was curled up on the bed, his tail circling most of his body. He had his snout buried underneath the big bushy thing. The tip of it started wiggling when he saw Alison.

“You miss her, too, huh?” Alison asked.

The dog lifted his head and looked at her. Alison grabbed the jeans, wondering if maybe Emily’s scent would be on them. Maybe it would comfort Lupo. She moved over towards the bed and sat down on the edge of it. She put the jeans in front of him and let him sniff them. Then she laid them down. Something crinkled from inside the back pocket. Alison saw a white strip poking out of it and she grabbed it. It was a piece of paper. It looked like motel stationary.

She unfolded the paper. Her heart seized in her chest when she saw Emily’s handwriting. For someone with such a messy mind her handwriting was impeccable. She saw her name at the top.

_“Alison…”_

That was all it took for the tears to flood her eyes. She read the rest while clutching her chest,

_“Alison, I just need you to know that if I could do it all over again, I would. Everything we are…everything I am…it’s because of the love that you gave me. You gave me the courage to live when I wanted to die. Even when I slipped…you were there to help me back up. You never gave up on me. I’ve only made it this far because of the night we met. And while I regret what it did to you, I don’t regret how it brought us together. I don’t know if that makes me selfish. But I’ll take selfish over the fear of not knowing you. I know I’ve never told you this, but I hope you know it all the same…I love you. My whole life, I’ve never loved anything more. Just know that I always will. I will always love you.”_

Alison didn’t remember slipping off of the bed or sitting on the floor against frame, but that’s where she ended up. She started sobbing loudly. Lupo immediately jumped off of the bed and pushed his snout into her face, desperately trying to lick away her salty tears.

That’s where Cece found them five minutes later. Alison’s cries had woken her up. Cece walked into Emily’s bedroom and found Alison crumpled up on the floor. Alison had the note clutched tightly to her chest.

Cece fell to her knees and engulfed her in a hug. Alison’s wet cheek fell against Cece’s nightgown.

“I won’t give up on her. I can’t,” she said it over and over again for several minutes. She worked herself up until she couldn’t breathe. Cece had to talk her through her panic. “I don’t want to lose her.”

“I know,” she sighed. “Ali, listen…”

“No. No, I don’t want to hear it. Please…just leave me alone.”

“I’m going to let you feel what you’re feeling, hon. Cry all you want, but you have to get up. There is something we need to talk about.”

“What?” Alison wiped her eyes.

“I made a few phone calls yesterday. I didn’t know if anything was going to come of it. I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want to get your hopes up. But…I’ve been talking to some of my friends in the field. And I got in contact with someone who might be able to help.”

“A donor? Did you find a donor?” Alison asked, _begged_.

“No. But I got you a meeting with the board of UNOS. I told them about Emily. I can only tell them so much though. They won’t take much consideration from me because I’m not her doctor. I asked Dr. Kingston to talk on her behalf, and he did. But I think it would be beneficial if _you_ talked to them, too.”

“Me? But…I thought that was strictly for doctors. Why me?”

“Because as much as we can appeal for her medically, only _you_ can get the board to understand on an emotional level. They usually don’t go for this kind of thing. It’s rare. You have to tell them who she is. Tell them why she needs to be at the top of the list. Tell them what makes her qualified to receive a new liver.”

Alison didn’t know what to say at first. She stared at Cece in shock. She was afraid she was dreaming, but then she remembered the pain in her ankle.

“Oh my God, Cece…” She was speechless. She wrapped her arms around her and started crying again. “Please…please tell me this will work.”

“It’s not up to me.” Cece pulled back and wiped Alison’s face with her fingertips. There was a beat of silence. Cece frowned. “You look like shit. Come on. You need to get some sleep.” She helped Alison to her feet. “Let’s get you back to the couch.”

Alison looked around Emily’s room, and she realized that being there was helping her feel closer to her. She heard Lupo whine. He put his feet up on Emily’s bed and hauled his big ass on to her mattress again. Alison realized he had the right idea.

“I…I um…I think I want to stay in here.”

Cece helped her sit against the edge of the bed. Alison swung her cast up and then got herself situated next to her dog. Cece walked to the other side and pulled up the comforter. She slid next to Lupo. Alison gave her a bit of side eye, but Cece didn’t budge. She wasn’t leaving Alison to drown in her misery.

Alison stared up at the ceiling, just like Emily had done so many times before. She wondered if the brunette had found all the imperfections in the ceiling…or if she wondered what went beyond that ceiling.

“We’re going to do everything we can, Ali.”

“I just hope it’s enough.”

That night was the first night she slept. She had a dream about Emily. They were sitting on her front porch, holding hands and looking at the stars.

**o ~ O ~ o**

Alison watched Aria walk up to the podium. Aria was nervous at first. She shifted and cleared her voice into the microphone accidentally. The feedback screeched and she took a step back. They didn’t really need the mic. It was just the way the room was set up.

“I’m Aria. I work in the call center where Emily called the night she met Alison. And then I got to know her through Alison. I’ve only known Emily for a short period of time, but in that time I’ve gotten to know a wonderful…complicated person.”

Aria addressed the four doctors sitting in front of her. She cleared her throat again. Alison wasn’t sure why she was nervous. She dealt with situations much more detrimental at work. Maybe she was just shaken up because Emily’s life was on the line.

“I say ‘complicated’ because I know you know her history. But I’m here today to tell you that what you see in her records does not indicate who she is at her core. She has always put others before herself.” Even her second suicide attempt. In a warped way she’d been trying to protect Alison. “In life. In family. In combat. She fought a hard battle not only overseas, but at home. And I know hard battles. My job entails helping people fight these battles. But that’s what we do when we’re human. Emily fought battles overseas that we couldn’t fight for ourselves. And when it came time for us to fight battles that she couldn’t, that’s where we stepped in. Because that’s what we do for each other. It’s not right to deny Emily Fields a life after she was given a chance to finally live that life.” Aria shuffled her feet and looked at the doctors, trying to hold their gaze. “Plus, animals and kids love her. And they’re never wrong.”

There was a little bit of light laughter. A few of the people on the board jotted down notes. They had Aria step down and Hanna walked up next. Alison had been nervous about letting anyone from the support group speak. She didn’t want to focus on Emily’s past transgressions, but she thought it was important to show how far Emily had come.

“Hi, Your Honors…”

“Not judges, Han.” Spencer coughed out.

“Sorry. Your _Doctor_ Honors. I’m Hanna,” Hanna said. “Emily and I hit it off the second we met. She’s one of my closest friends, which is probably weird to hear about someone who hasn’t known a person for a long time. But I knew she was special when I met her. I could tell who she was just from her spirit. She takes care of people. She took care of me. She didn’t have to, but she did. That’s what we do. That’s what Alison created. She created a family. And Emily is part of that family. I would give her every functioning part of my body if I could. I want to see her thrive. I want to see her and Alison have the life they deserve. Because my family…they’re what keeps me…what keeps a lot of us going.” Hanna looked at everyone from the support group, who had come to speak for Emily. “What happened to Emily wasn’t her fault. She deserves the best. And I’m here because I want that for her. I’ll do whatever it takes.” She paused and stared at the doctors. “Seriously, I’ll pay you.”

“Hanna.” Aria shook her head and made a cutting motion at her throat to tell her to stop talking. Hanna didn’t get the memo.

“What?” Hanna frowned at Aria. She rolled her eyes and then faced the doctors again. “Okay, fine, _I_ won’t pay you. I don’t actually have the money.” She motioned towards Spencer. “Spencer will pay you.”

Alison pushed Hanna to wrap it up…and she did, but not before telling the doctors that she’d sue them if they let Emily die.

Charles was next. He talked a lot, despite his healing broken jaw. He knew now that Emily’s stepfather had been the one who attacked him. But he told the doctors he didn’t regret being Emily’s friend. In fact, he said he admired her more knowing the volatile household she’d lived in, and how very different she had turned out from the monster who had left him for dead.

Melissa and Mona talked about Emily and how she’d showed them kindness in their support group. They reiterated everyone else’s points.

When they finished Caleb walked up to the podium. He stared at the doctors who had his friend’s life in their hands.

“Sergeant Caleb Rivers.” He kept eye contact with them. “I know you’ve got a lot of debate ahead of you, so I’ll just cut to the chase. I wouldn’t be standing here today if it wasn’t for Emily Fields. She saved my ass overseas. And then she saved it again when I got so down on myself I didn’t want to live anymore. She talked me out of some tight spots. Despite where her head was at, she was stable enough to help me keep my head on straight. She is a war veteran. A hero. And she deserves a damn liver more than anyone else I’ve ever met. I don’t give a shit what her file says. She deserves it. We fought together. We risked our lives together…so that people like you could sit up there and freely make the choice on who lives and dies. We fought so you could safely save lives here.” He ran his fingers across the side of the podium. “Emily Fields deserves to live.”

He didn’t say anything else before he stepped down.

Spencer was the second to last. Alison had been surprised when Spencer told her she wanted to lobby for Emily, given her mixed feelings on their relationship.

“I’d like to first start by saying that we appreciate you coming here to hear our concerns. I know you’ve spoken to Cece at length and we’re thankful that you are here today.” No one was surprised that she’d started formal. That’s just who Spencer was as a person. “Emily and I have always been on the opposite end of…well…everything. We don’t really have much in common except Alison. I can’t stand here and claim to know her as well as everyone else, because I simply don’t. They’ve gotten to know her in a way that I haven’t. And I’m starting to see now that keeping her at a distance was a mistake. Because now I can see the way she loves. I know how much she loves Alison. And Alison loves her just as fiercely. That love is why we’re here today.”

Spencer looked at her friend. Alison gave her a teary-eyed look of appreciation. Spencer had never understood their relationship, but she had always supported their love.

“We’re here because Alison refused to give up on Emily. From the very start. The two of them worked incredibly hard together to bring Emily back from the darkest place that a person can go. If you let this woman slip through the cracks you are going against everything the medical industry stands for. You exist to help people heal. And through the time I’ve seen her spend with Alison I have seen that healing happen. Don’t take that away from her. Don’t take away my best friend’s love. Don’t take away what Emily fought for.”

They had to take a short break because Alison was crying so hard. She had to pull herself together before walking in front of the four people who would be deciding if Emily lived or died. It was an emotional moment for her.

The entire room was silent when Alison stepped up to the podium, her cast thunking against the hard floor. She leaned her crutches against the table next to the podium and adjusted the microphone. She cleared her throat and could hear it echoing in the room. Unlike when Aria spoke, there was no screeching feedback. They could hear her softly breathing.

“I’m Alison DiLaurentis,” she said. “I think everyone here has painted a picture of who I am in relation to Emily. I’m pretty sure Cece did as well. I know that you spend a lot of time learning the background of your potential transplant recipients. I know you’ve probably heard every story in the book. But I guarantee you haven’t heard this one. Cece explained to me that you make decisions based on medical credentials, but I want to explain to you that there is more merit to allowing Emily to be moved to the top of the list than just what you see written down.”

Alison took a shaky breath. She felt a rising tension in her body. She knew that Emily’s life hung in the balance. And she’d promised her. She’d promised she wouldn’t give up.

“Emily and I met through a suicide hotline, something I know you’re familiar with, because you’ve been reviewing her medical records to determine whether she is a candidate. I know what she looks like on paper. I know that she looks destructive and impulsive. But even at her worst, she has the best of her worst qualities. She is passionate and thoughtful. She’s determined and dedicated. And yes, she’s had her dark moments. But even when she was in the dark, she reached for the light. She called that hotline because she wanted to live. She _wants_ to live. She was suffering that night. She’s been suffering her whole life. Her father was killed in front of her when she was a child. Her mother died after giving birth to her little sister. And her stepfather made her life a living hell. He’s the reason she’s in this position in the first place.”

She clenched the podium angrily, because _fuck him._

“After her little sister was killed she joined the army. She had lost almost everyone she ever cared about, except for her brother. She could have given up, but she didn’t. She enlisted in the army to serve this country. She saved lives. She fought alongside her brother. And then he was killed in an attack that nearly took Emily’s life, too. But she survived. And she came home. She was hurting, but she found the courage to reach out. She found me. And I mean that in more than one way. Yes, she sought out my help, but that night she _found_ me. And because of that night I’m alive.” Emily had helped her as much as she’d helped Emily. “Emily Fields saved my life. More than once. She’s saved numerous lives.”

Alison took a moment to take a breath. She could feel her hands trembling.

“I want you to understand that she’s more than just the sum of the mistakes she’s made. She’s a friend, a girlfriend, and a veteran. She is an inspiration to keep going. This woman has been through hell and back. She survived a brutal childhood and massive trauma and abuse. She lost her _entire_ family and she’s still here. She risked her life for everyone she was stationed with overseas. She risked her life for me and a decorated officer of the law. She’s in the hospital because she was attacked. She was _stabbed_ protecting me. Not because of anything she did wrong. She made mistakes when she was at the height of her pain. And I understand why her liver failure prior to the attack in the Poconos is a concern for you. I do. But as the closest person she has in the world I can tell you that she is trying to change. She is trying to do better. She doesn’t drink. She tries to exercise, despite the pain she’s in from her previous injuries. This is a woman who has nearly died several times over, but she is still here. She is here because she is meant to be here. And she deserves to be here.”

When Alison was finished talking Aria and Spencer stepped up to help her hobble away from the podium. The doctors thanked them all for their input and then excused themselves to discuss the testimony on Emily’s behalf.

**o ~ O ~ o**

It took them two hours to decide Emily’s fate. Alison was in the waiting room of the hospital when she got the call.

When she hung up the phone she screamed angrily. She nearly lost her balance on her crutches. She kicked over a garbage can with her good foot. She felt like finding someone and ripping their liver out of them. Where was Hannibal Lector when you needed him?

Her outburst disturbed a woman sleeping against a set of chairs. The woman nearly fell into the floor. Alison didn’t have it in her to apologize. She glanced at the woman. She thought she recognized her. But she’d spent so much time in the waiting room lately that she was starting to recognize faces.

She didn’t know where she knew the woman from, but the woman knew exactly who she was. She’d heard Alison talking to Cece about Emily a few days ago.

The woman walked out of the room while Cece once again tried to be the voice of reason – to calm her down. Cece was just as stunned by their decision.

“I thought for sure they’d consider it once they knew the full story…”

“Emotions mean nothing to them. Everything is analytics and numbers and statistics. Humans aren’t even humans anymore. We’re all just big dumb lab rats to them. They’re coldhearted bastards. Every single one of them.” Alison’s crutches tapped against the floor as she paced and fretted. “Why even ask us to talk if they weren’t going to listen?”

“I’m sorry.” Cece sighed.

“Don’t be. At least you tried. It’s not your fault they’re fucking morons who won’t give my girlfriend a liver.” She plopped down in a chair, exhausted. She buried her head in her hands and screamed. Cece sat down next to her. Alison slowly pulled back. She looked at the clock, and then faced Cece. “You’re late for work.”

“I can be a little late.” Cece shrugged it off. “I’m sure the people bleeding out and the industrial workers with severed limbs won’t mind waiting.”

“Seriously, go. Aria will be by with Hanna later. I need some time to think anyway.”

She was bluffing. She was seconds away from falling apart, but she stood her ground, hoping that Cece would buy it. Cece scrutinized her, but Alison maintained her strength. Cece squeezed her hand before she left.

It had been a while since her friends had left her alone. Though she wasn’t completely alone. She looked over at the woman she’d startled with her outburst. She could see the dark circles under her eyes from across the room. She looked like she was living in the hospital.

Alison sat in silence for nearly half an hour. She stared at the mess she’d made. She slowly moved down to the floor and started picking up the trash she’d scattered all over the floor. The woman waiting with her got up without a word and walked over to help her. They didn’t say anything.

Alison went to wash her hands and when she got back the woman was sitting across the room texting on her phone. She had her earbuds in. Alison leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.

She tried to push all the pain away. She tried to pretend none of this was happening. She tried to act like sitting in the hospital waiting room was normal, that it was just a part of her life.

She felt a shadow falling over her and she was certain it was Aria. But something felt different. Something _smelled_ different. Then she heard his voice.

“If I were twelve again and this was a slumber party I’d be putting shaving cream in your hand and tickling your nose with a feather.”

Alison opened her eyes and stumbled to her feet, grasping the chair to support her weight on her bad leg. She had to be dreaming. She hadn’t slept in days. It had to be a delusion.

“Jason?”

“Hey, kid.”

“How?” Alison nearly fell to the floor. He grabbed her to keep her from collapsing. _He’s real. Holy shit, he’s really here._

“Heard what happened. Lobbied for compassionate furlough.” He pulled his pant leg up to reveal an ankle monitor. “Shana pulled some strings. It was a hard sell, but someone _did_ try to kill you and your girlfriend, so it was enough to grant me temporary freedom. Took a little longer than I thought. I’ve got to be back by the morning, but I’m here now. I’m here, Ali.”

“Everything is so fucked, Jase.” She dropped her head and started to cry. She hated that she was crying when she should be happy to see her brother.

He wrapped his arms around her and she crumbled into his body, sobbing. She had missed hugging her big brother. She didn’t realize how much she needed him until that very moment. He moved towards the chairs, still holding her in his arms. He pulled her to sit down. Her tears soaked his shirt. He just let her cry it out.

When she was done she wiped her nose on his shirt.

“You’re gross,” he teased her.

“Shut up.” She laughed half-heartedly. Leave it to her brother to make her smile. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“How did it go with the board? I was trying to get out in time to talk to them with you. Guess I just missed the mark.”

“It probably wouldn’t have helped anyway. Those bastards had their minds made up before any of us said anything.”

“To hell with them.” Jason frowned. “Let’s find our own liver.”

“They aren’t exactly just lying around.”

“Yeah, I know. I looked in to see if I could be a living donor. The laws are a little murky when it comes to inmates donating their organs. It says immediate family only.”

“They make it so impossible for people to live. It’s unfair.”

“I could pay someone to shiv me in the chest and leave direct orders to give my liver to Emily.”

“Jason DiLaurentis, I will kill you.” Alison smacked her brother’s shoulder.

“That was my plan. You want to do it?”

“Don’t tempt me. I still haven’t forgiven you for ripping the head off my Barbie when I was six.”

“Mmm, yes, I don’t believe I’ve paid proper penance for that.”

“That might be the most ironic thing you’ve ever said.” She sighed and wrapped her arms around his bicep. She leaned her head against his shoulder.

It was quiet for a few minutes. Their time to smile had passed. He put his hand on top of hers.

“How are you doing?”

“Are you seriously asking me that while we’re sitting in the hospital waiting on some miracle for my girlfriend in ICU?” Alison moved her head and looked up at him.

“Not with Emily.” He knew she was a fucking wreck about Emily. “I meant _you_. How are _you_?” He looked at her ankle. “You were stalked and had the shit beat out of you by a psycho. And you killed him.” Rightfully so. Jason would have done the same. But he knew his sister was easily shaken.

“Well, that’s what I do best,” she huffed sarcastically.

“Shh. Keep that down.”

“Why? What’s the point? If Emily dies there is no point to you being in that prison cell. There’s no point to anything I do.”

“You started that hotline to help people. Don’t lose sight of that.”

“I don’t see much of anything these days.” Alison sighed. “You know, I used to wonder how low someone must feel to need to reach out because they were thinking about taking their own life. But I get it now. I understand what it’s like to feel completely hopeless.”

“That feeling will pass,” Jason said, squeezing her hand. “It always does. At least for me.” He saw the stunned look on her face. He’d never told her about his struggles. “We were raised by terrible people. And I saw a bunch of people blown up. Yeah, I’ve had some fucked up thoughts. Not in a long time though.”

“I’m a bad sister. I haven’t even asked how you’re doing.”

“It’s not about me right now.” He moved to stand up. “I’m going to get you something to eat and drink. By the looks of you you haven’t had a meal in days.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Tough shit.” Jason patted Alison’s arm. “I’ll be right back. You just take it easy.”

Alison didn’t argue with him. She watched him walk around the corner. It was so weird to see him without all the chains on. She still couldn’t believe he was here. It didn’t feel real.

She didn’t see the woman approaching her from the side. She didn’t hear her footsteps until she was right next to her.

“You’re Alison, right?”

Alison stood up, holding her weight against the chair to stay balanced. It was the woman she’d woken up with her tantrum. She looked so familiar. Where did she know her from?

“Do I know you?”

“I’m Veronica…Ronnie. I’m Peter’s sister.”

“Oh.” Alison wasn’t sure what to say. Her brain felt like mush.

“Your girlfriend tried to save my brother after he was shot.”

“Yeah. I…I’m so sorry about that.” She felt incredibly guilty. Because it was her involvement in trying to protect Emily that had gotten Ronnie’s brother shot. If she’d never had Jason hire his friend it never would have happened. “How is he?”

“He’s gone.” She looked at the floor. “Not medically, but mentally he’s not there. The only reason we have held on for this long is because of his daughter. It’s been…” She blew out a heavy breath. “She’s devastated.”

“I’m sorry.” She repeated. They felt like empty words. She’d heard them expressed so much lately that they’d lost all meaning. “What happened to him sucks. And I know it might sound like just another generic ‘I’m there for you’, but if you need anything please let me know.”

She meant it more than the woman would ever know. Because she owed it to her.

“I appreciate that.” Ronnie smiled weakly. “I’m sorry to hear about Emily.”

Alison looked at the floor. She stared at the cast on her foot. She tried to focus all of her energy on the dull ache in her ankle. It was easier than letting the emotional floodgates open.

“I heard about what happened,” Ronnie said. “I heard that she was hurt trying to protect you?”

“Emily did what she always does…what she learned to do overseas.” What she’d learned to do at home with her brother and sister. “She risked her life for other people.” Alison tried not to cry. “A friend of mine and I were in danger. Emily put herself between a madman and us. And she was stabbed in the process.”

“It’s her liver, right?”

“How did you know that?”

“You hear things when you live in the hospital with an ailing loved one.” She shrugged. She peered at the wall as if she was watching her memories being played out like a home movie. “You know, my brother has never been what people would consider a good man. But he was like Emily once. He put himself out there for the people he loved. He went into the business to protect me from an abusive boyfriend. It spiraled from there. But he never lost that spark of love. He never stopped caring about his family. And Samara…” She said with a smile. “He loves that little girl. He’s a damn good father. The day he was shot he’d just come from her career day at school. And this was after he’d worked the night shift at the bar. He was a ‘bad guy’, but he wasn’t a _bad guy_.”

“I get it.” Alison nodded. “People are complicated. We all have our baggage.”

“Samara asks about Emily. She really liked her. When I found out she was here in the ICU I felt terrible. It’s insane to me that she ended up right next to Peter. It makes me wonder if she was the target the day at the docks. Makes me wonder if my brother was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I can’t change that.”

“I uh…” Alison stuttered. “I’m sorry? I don’t…I don’t follow.”

“I heard you talking to your friend the other day…about Emily, about wanting to save her. And after a lot of thought…and prayers…I’ve decided that I want to help. I think…I think Peter would want to help. Your Emily…she looked after my niece. And I know that would mean more to Peter than anything in this world. Your girlfriend…she’s something special.”

“She is.” Alison felt tears stinging her eyes. “She really is.”

“I’m in charge of my brother’s medical affairs.” She took a shaky breath. “We’re taking him off life support tomorrow.” Her eyes were glazed with tears. Alison understood that pain. Part of her wanted to hug her, even though she was a complete stranger. There was an awkward silence in the room. Ronnie shifted on her feet and cleared her throat. “He’s an organ donor.”

Alison’s hand shot out looking for something to support her weight. She thought she was going to pass out. Was she saying what Alison thought she was saying?

“I had his doctor check to see if he could potentially be a donor for her.” Her gaze slowly met Alison’s. “I got the results yesterday. They’re a match. And while it’s unorthodox, a family can make the request for a direct donation…”

Alison lunged forward, engulfing her in a hug.

_Don’t let this be a dream. Please let this be real._

She felt Ronnie hugging her back. Something about the moment transcended the fact that they didn’t know each other. Something about that moment made them family. They both started to cry. Two strangers in the middle of the hospital holding one another, feeling both the pain of loss and the joy of life.

“Thank you.” Alison sobbed. “Thank you so much.”

She felt the weight that she’d been carrying slowly being lifted off of her chest. She felt like she could breathe again. She knew it was the opposite for Peter’s sister. She’d be carrying the weight of his death for the rest of her life. But the woman still had the compassion and common decency to tighten their hug and quietly reply,

“You’re welcome.”

Their embrace lasted for several minutes. They were both shaking when they pulled away. Their cheeks were stained with tears. Their eyes were red and puffy. They were bonded in the worst way possible.

As Alison waited on her brother to get back with food that she fully intended on sharing with Veronica, the two women talked. Alison told her more about Emily. She told her about how hard she’d had to work to overcome the pain in her past. She talked about all her near brushes with death. She talked about the people she’d saved overseas.

Veronica talked about Peter. Her story was similar to Emily’s. She’d lived in a volatile household when she was a child. Their father was verbally and emotionally abusive. Her mother would slap them sometimes. Her brother had always protected her. He’d taught her self-defense at an early age. When he turned sixteen he ran away with her in tow. They’d never looked back. Their parents didn’t care that they were gone. It had been up to Peter to support his little sister, so he did every odd job that he could. It wasn’t until Veronica had gotten involved with a man who hit her that he took a turn towards the darker aspects of underground work.

She admitted that he’d done some bad things, but after his daughter was born he showed a new side of himself. Veronica explained how he’d read to Samara every night when she was a baby. When she started walking he’d followed her around the house to make sure she didn’t fall over and hurt herself. When she started talking she was bossing him around, making him play princess and tea party with her.

Alison listened to her story. She listened to Peter’s legacy. Because Peter had done some terrible things, but he was still a human. And he was going out on top. He was saving lives.

It reminded Alison that sometimes “good” and “bad” wasn’t always black and white. Sometimes people’s actions didn’t define them for life. Sometimes people could change.

**o ~ O ~ o**

The next day, as Veronica was saying goodbye to her brother, Alison was sitting in the waiting room with her friends…her family. All she could think about was the fact that Samara had to say goodbye to her daddy. It was hard to stomach.

Alison had dedicated most of her adult life to being there for others. And they had turned out in kind for her. Everyone who knew and loved Emily was there supporting Alison.

Aria was sitting on one side holding her hand. Jason was on the other side holding her other hand. Shana had appealed to the court to extend Jason’s compassion furlough. He hadn’t left his sister’s side.

Spencer and Cece were in charge of getting updates. Hanna and Mona were in charge of food. Charles, Andrew, and Melissa stayed for moral support. Caleb even pitched in when someone needed something. He chatted with Hanna about his time with Emily overseas.

It was hard for Alison to let others help her. All she wanted to do was crawl into a hole somewhere and stay there. Because all she could think about were the “what ifs” and everything that could go wrong. It was hard to grasp that someone else was dying so Emily could live. It was poetic in a way. Someone who had once been set on killing her had ended up saving her.

It was a long tedious day. The transplant took seven and a half hours. It was late when the surgeon finally came to talk to them.

Alison stood up, nervously ready to greet him. She balanced herself on her crutches.

“The transplant went well,” he said. Alison felt a wave of relief. “We’ll monitor her tonight. She’ll be in the ICU for a few days and if she responds well we’ll move her to a regular room.”

There was a blend of relieved sighs and victorious cheers, compliments of Hanna and Charles.

Of course, Alison’s first statement was,

“I want to see her.”

“We’ll know more in the morning. She needs to stay isolated tonight.”

Alison looked at him like it was the dumbest thing she’d ever heard. She was getting back to Emily’s room even if she had to bulldoze her way through him.

“That wasn’t a question.” Alison explained. “I appreciate everything you’ve done to save my girlfriend, but if you try to keep me from her it’s not going to end well for you. You can talk to my lawyer.” She motioned to Spencer.

“Spencer Hastings.” Spencer reached out to shake his hand.

Her name sparked a flame of recognition on his face. He knew exactly who she was. The surgeon frowned. He looked annoyed, but he relented.

“You’ll need to follow sterile protocol.” He waved for Alison to follow him.

Alison hobbled after him.

“Tell her we love her.” Hanna called after her.

Alison turned around before disappearing through the double doors. She took a moment to appreciate the family that they’d built. Sometimes, chosen family was better than anything else in the world.

“I will,” Alison said.

It would be just the thing that Emily would need for motivation, because Emily had a complicated relationship with love and life. She’d spent so much of her life feeling worthless and unworthy. She found it very hard to love herself. She didn’t care about her own life, but she’d always cared about others. It was only because of the love and support that she’d had from their family that she’d been able to make it through the darkness. Hopefully when Emily woke up and found out how everyone had rallied for her it would give her something to live for.

Alison didn’t say much of anything when she walked into Emily’s room. She just wanted to see her. She wanted to see that she was still alive. The doctor had told her to be very careful about touching her, because they didn’t want to risk her getting a post-op infection.

Alison very carefully touched her hand and quietly told her she was going to be okay. She told her she loved her.

She gave her hand a gentle squeeze. She swore she felt Emily squeeze her hand back, but she knew it was only her imagination. Or maybe it was Emily’s subconscious speaking to Alison’s subconscious.

“You just rest, Em,” she said. “I’m going to be right here when you wake up. I promise.”

Fortunately, it was a promise she was able to keep. She convinced the doctors to let her stay. She swore she wouldn’t be a problem. Alison had a way with getting her way in the hospital. She knew how to manipulate people.

Alison stayed next to her all night. She listened to the sound of the IV pump giving Emily the medicine she needed to stay alive…the anti-rejection meds. She listened to the sounds of the tube delivering oxygen to Emily’s body. She watched her chest rise and fall. She watched the lines on the machines monitoring her vital signs. Alison’s eyes followed the rise and fall of her heart rate as she watched the numbers slowly fluctuate. Even though she knew she was alive, she looked for continuous proof that she was really alive.

The doctors slowly weened Emily off of the sedation overnight. By the morning she was starting to slowly come out of it. The nurse encouraged Alison to talk to her to curb some of her confusion.

Emily mumbled under her breath with her eyes closed. Her voice was hoarse from the tube that had been in her throat. She kept saying something that Alison had to struggle to hear. Finally she made out the words that Emily was saying over and over.

“It’s quiet.” Her eyes were still closed, but she was squeezing Alison’s hand. “It’s so quiet.”

“I’m right here. I promised you. I’m right here.”

“It stopped. It all stopped.” Emily clenched her jaw.

“What stopped?”

“The noise. It’s gone. I think…” She drifted off for a few seconds. “It’s pretty. It’s so bright.”

Alison looked at the nurse in concern. She wasn’t talking like someone who was coming back to life. She was talking like someone who was dying.

“It’s okay. It’s normal for people to be a little out of it when they’re coming out of sedation,” the nurse explained.

“Hey, you’re in the hospital. You’re going to be okay.” Alison reassured her.

“Mmm,” she mumbled. “You sound nice. I’m glad I called you. No one wants to die alone.”

The conversation suddenly struck a chord in Alison. She knew exactly what was on Emily’s mind. The night of her overdose.

_“I don’t really know why I called. I think…maybe because no one wants to die alone.”_

Alison lowered her voice and leaned closer.

“You’re alive, Emily. You’re alive, and I’m here.”

Emily stilled in the bed. Her fingers tightened around Alison’s hand as her eyes fluttered open. She was dazed at first, unsure of what she was looking it. It took her a moment to get focused. She stared at the blonde hovering over her with the strangest feeling of de ja vu.

It was very different from the first night they’d been in the hospital together. She didn’t panic. She didn’t struggle. The bed didn’t feel like a prison. The world didn’t feel heavy. She wasn’t angry. The pain was there, but it was bearable.

She looked at Alison with a confused expression on her face. It didn’t feel real. It felt like a dream. Because it didn’t make sense that after everything…she was still alive. She blinked to clear the haze from her eyes.

“Alison?”

“Hi.”

Emily still looked confused. She reached up. Her arms felt weak. Her muscles had slowly started to deteriorate in the bed. But she had enough strength to lift her hand and touch Alison’s face. She could see the tears in her eyes.

“Is this heaven?” Emily kept her hand on Alison’s face.

Alison felt a tear slip down her cheek. It just added to Emily’s confusion.

“Angels don’t cry.” Emily swiped her finger against the tear to brush it away. “Don’t cry, Ali. Don’t be sad.”

“I’m not.” Alison smiled through her tears. “You’re here. And I’m _so_ glad you’re here.”

Emily slowly lowered her hand, unable to support the weight of her arm. She was going to have a long way to go with physical therapy. She smiled at Alison. She looked drunk, but through the haze of the medication Alison could see traces of the girl she loved.

“I’m glad I’m here, too.”

It was music to Alison’s ears. The girl who had wanted to die being grateful for life. Or perhaps she was just grateful for _who_ she had in her life.

“We have the rest of our lives, Em. We get to have our forever.”

Emily continued to smile at her. She looked tired, but she was forcing herself to stay awake. Because she’d missed looking at Alison’s face. She didn’t want to miss another moment.

“Forever sounds good.” However long forever was. “As long as I get to spend it with you.”

Alison wanted to kiss her so badly, but she’d been advised not to because of the transplant. They had to be very careful because her immune system was susceptible. Emily seemed to understand it without being told. She could feel the dull ache where she’d been cut open. She reached for Alison’s hand without saying a word.

She kept her eyes open for as long as she could, but the medications were making her drowsy. Alison told her to stop fighting it.

“You need your rest.”

Emily nodded, her eyelids fluttering. The room was quiet for a few minutes. Alison listened to the rhythmic beeping of her heart monitor.

“Ali?” she mumbled as she was drifting off to sleep.

“Hmm?”

There was a beat before she responded.

“I love you.”

The words touched a part of Alison that had never been touched. It was if someone had turned on a bright warm light in her chest. Emily had so much trouble with those words. The trust that they had built had given her the confidence to say it. Alison could _feel_ the words in her heart. It was an explosion of life being given to her very soul.

“I love you, too.” Alison closed her eyes and lifted her head, heaving out a sigh of relief. She felt like she was able to breathe again.

She thought about how many times she’d nearly lost this girl. Emily was a warrior. A soldier who fought for everything, including a life she didn’t even want in the first place. This was a woman who had stared death in the face more times than anyone should, and though in her mind she wanted to die…something deep inside of her was fighting to live.

Emily Fields was someone who should have been dead nearly six times over. She’d been running from the grim reaper since she was six-years-old. The shooting that had killed her father had been just the start of her tumultuous journey. Her brushes with death seemed impossible to come back from, yet she did. It was almost as if she had someone looking out for her…as if there was someone telling her to get up and fight, like she wasn’t done yet.

Emily had been dead outside that cabin. Alison had felt her lifeless body being dragged away from her by the paramedics. Yet, she had clawed her way out of the grave. But something was different about this time. Not only had she physically died, but a piece of her had stayed dead. A piece of her that had been killing her for years. A piece of her pain had died with her. And she hadn’t brought it back this time. Alison could see it in her eyes. She could feel it in her touch.

Alison knew Emily still had a long way to go. She knew that Emily would still face battles in her life. She knew that she was going to have good days and bad days. Pain and depression and PTSD didn’t just disappear overnight. It was a constant uphill climb. It was something Emily was going to have to live with for the rest of her life. But the main takeaway was that she got to live. And Alison wanted to be by her side the entire time.

* * *

**A/N:** _Who knew it was so hard to obtain a liver? You should all know that my bestie read this chapter and then wasted no time in telling me, “well, that really de-LIVER-ed.” I threw a plastic fork at her. _

_We’ve gotten over the worst of it, but if you know me you know that doesn’t mean anything in my stories. I won’t promise a happily ever after, but I can promise them a fighting chance. So keep holding on, because the ride still has a little further to go before pulling into the station. _


	21. The Art of Life

* * *

**Chapter 21:**

**The Art of Life**

Emily’s recovery took months. She hadn’t had a typical transplant. She’d had a lot of complications after the surgery. Her body still had a lot of healing to do. It wasn’t easy. They had a lot of setbacks. The hardest thing was trying to get the right balance of her medications.

Through it all she worried about Alison’s mental and physical health. She constantly had to remind Alison that she needed to take care of herself, too. Alison was still healing from her injuries. And she was suffering from anxiety.

They were both talking to professionals about their mental health. It was hard for Alison to be on the opposite side of things. She was so used to giving the advice. It was hard for her to take it.

Emily could always tell when Alison was frustrated. She could always tell what Alison was feeling. And even when she was drugged up she had a natural inclination to take care of Alison.

One afternoon Alison had barely gotten a foot into Emily’s room before Emily sensed her anxiety.

“I know that look.” Emily sat up in her bed. She moved over, something she routinely did to gave Alison enough room to scoot in next to her. “Bad session?”

Alison didn’t say anything. She was always afraid that saying anything about what had happened would trigger Emily. Emily could tell she was holding back.

“You can talk to me.” The brunette reached out, extending her hand for Alison to take it.

“I just…I don’t like to talk about any of it.” Alison crawled next to Emily. Snuggling was a lot easier now that Alison’s cast was off. “It’s not like anyone can understand what it was like out there…what it was like watching him hurt you…”

They both flinched.

“I know,” Emily replied softly. “It was hell for me, too.”

“More-so for you. Because he did that to you your whole life. Honestly, I don’t know how you’re still standing.”

“I’m technically sitting.” Emily wrapped her arm around Alison’s shoulder.

“You’re not supposed to deflect.” Alison frowned. “I want you to talk to me, too.”

“You know how I feel.” She rubbed Alison’s arm. “I’m still fucked up. Less so. But I’m always going to be like this. I’m always going to struggle. It’s…” Emily had to stop to take a breath. She had to calm her racing thoughts, “…what happened…it’s a part of me. But it doesn’t have to define how I live my life. I get to choose what I want to do. He’s gone now. I don’t want him to keep this hold over me…over us. We deserve better. I just…I don’t know how to _do_ better. I never thought I’d make it this far. It’s so weird. I’ve never belonged anywhere.”

“Hey,” Alison balanced herself on her elbow, running her hand up Emily’s cheek. She used her fingers to gently push Emily’s face up to meet her gaze. “You belong, Em. You belong with me.”

“Yeah.” Emily smiled. “You made that perfectly clear the night we met. You sank your teeth into me and refused to let go.”

“I don’t recall any biting until our first session.” Alison winked.

“You knew how much you had a hold on me, didn’t you?”

“I think I did.” Alison nodded, burying her head against the crook of Emily’s neck. “I saw something in you when you came into the group session. And then when we were alone…I just…I felt it.”

“You felt my hands…” Emily playfully moved her fingers against Alison’s outer thigh, “My fingers…”

“I felt _a lot_ of you that day.” Alison smirked. “When you touched me…” Her face relaxed into a state of bliss, “…you do things to me. Things I can’t explain. There was something in your motions…in the way you looked at me.” She touched Emily’s hand. “I was yours.”

There was a beat of silence. Then Emily grinned at her.

“It was my magic tongue, wasn’t it?”

“It totally was.” Alison chuckled.

They both laughed. Emily pulled her in for a hug. Alison relished in her touch. She glanced up at her.

“What about you? When did you know?” Alison asked.

Emily didn’t hesitate in her reply,

“When you answered the phone at the hotline.” She took Alison’s hands in hers. “I thought you were an angel.” She kissed her knuckles. “I still do. Because I wouldn’t be here without you.” She took a breath and then looked up at the ceiling. “I am insane.” She looked at Alison. “And I’m in love. I’m insanely in love.”

“You’re as sane as I am. Because I’m in love with you, too.” She lifted her head and pressed her lips against Emily’s lips.

She had really learned to appreciate Emily’s lips now that they were free and clear to kiss again. For a while after her transplant they’d had to be careful about their physical interactions because of the risk of infection and organ rejection. But now that her meds were getting sorted out her doctors were easing up on her.

“How are you feeling? How is that liver treating you?” Alison gently put her hand against Emily’s side.

“It’s a little loose.” Emily lifted her right arm and looked down at her side with a smile.

Alison chuckled. She enjoyed seeing the softer side of her girlfriend. Getting past the walls that Emily put up had required persistence, patience, and time. But she was so glad she hadn’t given up on her. Because the Emily Fields that was behind the gruff woman the world saw was one of the sweetest and most selfless souls that Alison had ever known.

Alison also knew that sometimes Emily fell back into that shell of her former self. She knew that Emily pulled away sometimes, through no fault of her own. It was a self-preservation habit, and Alison understood that. Fortunately, since she understood it, she knew when Emily was trying to hide behind a coat of armor.

“Seriously, how are you?” Alison asked, glancing at Emily, forcing her to hold her gaze.

Emily’s eyes didn’t lie. She looked exhausted.

“It’s been a rough one,” she said. “They had to lower my dose of anti-depressants to work with the anti-rejection meds and I can really feel it. The anxiety is pretty bad.”

“Are you worried about your body rejecting the liver? Or is it…” She squeezed her hand. “Are the flashbacks getting worse?”

“Neither.” Emily shook her head. “I mean, yeah, the PTSD is still pretty bad. But that’s not what’s bothering me. I just can’t stop wrestling with feelings of guilt…about Peter.”

“You can’t blame yourself for his death.”

“I couldn’t save him.”

“Because he was meant to save you,” Alison said.

“You don’t feel the least bit guilty about it?”

“I think about it a lot.” Alison knew she had a role in Peter’s death. It had been a tragic accident. And the only way she could get through it was by knowing that his death had served a higher purpose. “If things hadn’t worked out exactly the way they did…if you hadn’t been there that day, he would have died…and his death would have been in vain. But you _were_ there. You stepped in. And because of that you gave his family time to grieve. And you gave half a dozen other people a chance to live. His organs didn’t just save you. You know his heart went to a mother of three?”

“At the same time, a little girl lost the only parent she had left. Samara lost her dad.”

“We can’t change that. You know that better than anyone.”

Emily sighed. She nodded.

“No. You’re right. I know. I’m sorry. I’m just…off. I’m still trying to come to terms with everything. I’m trying to work through it.”

“Work through it however you need to. I’ll be here the whole time.” Alison tried to comfort her.

“I’m here for you, too. I know what you’re going through.” Emily assured her. Alison had killed someone. And while it wasn’t the first time, Emily knew what murder did to a person’s psyche. “How are you holding up?”

“I don’t regret pulling that trigger at all.” Alison’s eyes flickered, a hint of anger in them.

How could she feel badly about killing someone who had done such terrible things? With her parents, it was one thing. They had been manipulative, controlling, and emotionally abusive. They had outright sold her to a psychopathic madman and she could have ended up in a situation a lot like Emily’s. To go a step further and know what Emily went through as a child…to know the things her abuser did to her…it made her feel murderous. The only thing she felt bad about is that he didn’t suffer more.

“I just remember knowing that it was him or us. I don’t remember much about being tied up, but I remember every single thing he did to you. I can still see the look on his face when he…after he grabbed you…God, I would have cut off his head if I could have. The things he was saying…”

Alison felt tears stinging her eyes. That’s the man that Emily had been forced to grow up with. Alison got a glimpse of him that night at the cabin. But Emily had lived with it for _years_. Alison could never claim to know what Emily’s experiences with him had been like, but she did have a painfully clear view of what it had done to her.

“When he put the gun in your mouth I thought I was going to watch you die.” She looked up at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears from falling, “I remember feeling so helpless. And then I realized…that’s how you felt with your brother and your sister.” She saw Emily’s face tighten in pain. Despite her pain, Emily reached up and brushed Alison’s tears away with her knuckles. “I don’t regret anything. I don’t feel guilty. But I _do_ feel angry. I’m angry all the time. I’m angry that he did those things to you and Ethan and Ellie. And I’m angry that he got away with it for so long.”

“I’m angry, too.” Emily interjected quietly. “I’m so angry that I’m _exhausted_. But I know how to navigate it. You helped me. And I promise I will help you. And things will get better. I hope.”

“I know they will.” Alison nodded. “Because we have each other. And our friends.”

“It helps that the cops are closing Peter’s case, too.” Emily added. After the attack out at the cabin, the police department started looking into Emily’s stepfather. They had discovered he’d been stalking Emily and that he’d been out at the warehouse the day Peter was shot. The cops concluded that Emily was the target that day. Her stepfather had taken the fall for the shooting. “That’s one less thing that’s been on my mind.”

“It’s always so busy up there, isn’t it?” Alison traced her finger against Emily’s temple. She knew that the wheels were always turning in Emily’s head. “How are the thoughts and compulsions?”

“Not so loud anymore. Still there. The change in meds is messing with me. I don’t feel like myself. I was jumpy all day yesterday. And I had nightmares last night.”

“I should have been here.” Alison felt like she was letting Emily down.

“You can’t _live_ here, Ali. You need to get out. And you need your rest.”

“I want to rest with _you_.”

“We’ll be out of here soon.” She kissed the top of Alison’s head. “They said my numbers look good. We’re getting there.”

“Mmm, what does life outside the hospital look like?” Alison smiled in thought.

“You tell me.”

Alison laid against Emily’s body. She closed her eyes and hummed happily under her breath as she pictured her life with Emily.

“Dinners and talks. Sunset walks along the beach.” Alison walked her fingers up Emily’s arm. “Touching. Lots of touching.”

“Yeah?” Emily felt goosebumps trailing up her arm in the wake of Alison’s touch.

Her body reacted so naturally to Alison. The trust that they had built was continuously growing.

Emily reached up and pushed a strand of Alison’s hair aside so she could see her face. Alison moved her hand up against Emily’s wrist, her fingers grazing the long thick scar on her skin. She cupped Emily’s hand. Her eyes were focused on the scar. Emily gently pulled her hand away and reached up and covered the scar with the fingers of her other hand. She looked away from Alison. The scars on her wrist reminded her of the night she’d hurt Alison.

But Alison was determined to prove to Emily that she loved her, scars and all. She reached for Emily’s hand again.

“I don’t want you to hide them from me.” Alison kissed the healed gash on Emily’s wrist. “You’re beautiful. This…” She kissed the scar again, “…it’s a reminder that you’re stronger than what hurt you.”

Emily used to think Alison’s psychobabble was bullshit, but she had a point about her scars. Scars were a lot like the pain in life. You were cut open. You bled. But by some miracle of a chance, you could heal. Scars healed in a way that didn’t disregard pain entirely. The pain was still there after they healed. Scars slowly faded. Pain lessened over time.

Her scars were proof that she had lived through something no one should have possibly been able to live through. It was a testament to her survival.

“I know your pain is an ongoing process, but I am part of that process. You just have to remember to let me in.” Alison put her palm against the side of Emily’s neck. “Because I love you. I love every last part of you. And I want to know _every_ inch of you.” Alison turned and placed a peck against Emily’s jaw. Emily pulled her head back, tilting her neck to give Alison easier access. “You’re perfect to me.”

Alison kissed her way down Emily’s jaw and peppered her neck with kisses, nipping occasionally. She moved her mouth up and found Emily’s lips immediately. She felt the heat of Emily’s breath against her face and she felt Emily’s hand against her cheek.

“I will never in a million years understand how you can look at me like that.” Emily cupped her cheek.

“Like what?”

“Like you _see_ me.”

“You’re all I _can_ see. I look at you…I look into your eyes…I see your scars…” She touched Emily’s stomach where her surgery incision was healing. “And I love you more because of it. You’re a survivor, Emily Fields.” In every sense of the word.

“You’re my savior, Alison DiLaurentis.” She kissed her.

“For the rest of our lives.” Alison nodded with a smile.

“We have a hell of a story to tell.”

“We do.”

“Where do you think it ends?”

“The two of us old and wrinkled. A couple of grown kids who have given us gray hair. A lifetime lived.”

“I like that.” Emily smiled, closing her eyes and taking a breath.

They both had high hopes that they’d get that lifetime together.

At the time, they didn’t know that their story would be much shorter. But in their time together they would live a profound lifetime that would impact everyone who knew them.

**~ 3 years later ~**

“So, how have you been doing?” Aria asked.

The park was buzzing with activity. Ellie was chasing a butterfly while Alison and Aria paced behind her. Lupo was trotting in front of the two of them. Ellie turned around and waved at her mother. She looked more and more like Aria every day.

Alison slowed her pace and loosened her grip on Lupo’s leash. She looked past Ellie, at her own children who were walking hand in hand towards the playground. Aria could tell that her friend was lost in thought.

“It’s been tough.” Alison bit her lip. “They miss her…”

Looking at her four year old son, no one would have ever guessed that behind his smile hid a world of pain that his little brain could barely comprehend. But when he smiled everything in the world felt right to Alison. He was a devious little thing, always dragging his baby sister into trouble. She was holding his hand tight. He quickened his pace, babbling eagerly about watching Ellie go down the “big girl” slide. Ellie was already climbing up the ladder to the slide. He started running. His little sister could barely keep up.

“Toby! Gracie, slow down!” Alison watched as they ran down the hill.

Toby immediately did what his mother said. He was only four, but he listened. And he always looked after his little sister. Grace was seventeen months old. She had only recently started walking. She loved holding her big brother’s hand and letting him lead her around. They both giggled as they watched Ellie come down the slide. Those giggles were like music to Alison’s ears.

Toby and Grace had been brought into their lives by the suicide hotline. Emily had actually taken the call that day. The first thing Emily had done after getting out of the hospital was take a job at the place that had saved her life.

Two weeks after she’d been released from the hospital she was working full time for the hotline.

Her second day she got the call. A young single mother with a 14-month-old little boy and a newborn had called for help. She was in over her head and completely overwhelmed. Her boyfriend wanted nothing to do with her or their kids. She was post-partum, and her depression was getting the better of her.

Emily had been able to talk her off of the ledge. They weren’t supposed to get personal at the hotline, but Emily wasn’t really one to follow the rules.

Emily had only survived because Alison had formed a real connection with her. And she wanted to do the same for others. So when the young woman called and threatened to kill herself Emily talked to her for hours.

After the conversation they’d even agreed to meet up and have coffee.

They met every Sunday for a month.

But then one day she didn’t show. Emily got concerned and went to her house. She’d found the toddler sitting in the kitchen crying. The baby was in her bassinet.

Their mother had been dead for over twelve hours. There was a composed text in her phone to Emily that hadn’t been sent.

_“Take care of my babies please.”_

When Alison got the call from Emily she was worried about how the trauma would affect Emily’s mental health. But when she got to the police station she found Emily sitting in the lobby as calm as could be. She had a newborn in her arms and a sleeping baby boy curled up against her side.

_“He was scared,”_ Emily had whispered when Alison sat down next to her. Her eyes were on the older boy. _“I didn’t want to leave them.”_ She was watching the sleeping infant in her arms.

_“Did they call social services?”_

Emily looked at Alison, tears in her eyes.

_“The police found an envelope near her body. It was her will.”_ She looked conflicted. _“She has me listed as their guardian.”_

Alison’s mouth dropped open in surprise.

_“What? How…can she…is that even legal?”_

_“I don’t know. But they said they’d call social services to take them if I wanted them to.”_

_“Emily…”_ Alison didn’t know what to say. She knew that Emily had been through a lot, and finding her friend dead was bound to send her spiraling.

_“I know. I know what you’re thinking. But we don’t have to make a decision right now. We could…we could grab some supplies for tonight…let them have this night of peace. That’s what they need right now. They just need someone to care.”_

_“Yeah.”_ Alison agreed. When she looked at the babies all she could see was Emily and her siblings. _“Okay.”_

So they took them home. It was eerie how calm the babies were around Emily. Alison had never seen anything like it before. The brunette had a way with them. It’s like they knew they were safe with her. It’s like they knew she understood what they were going through…even though _they_ didn’t understand what they were going through.

Emily hadn’t been able to sleep that night. All she could think about was what was going to happen to the kids. The last thing she wanted was for them to end up in a situation like hers. She didn’t want them going to some foster family that was only in it for the government money. She wanted them to feel safe and loved and cared for. She wanted everything for them that her mother and father had given her before her entire life had been upended.

Emily watched the babies and Alison sleep. The bed was crowded with the four of them and Lupo, who had been very watchful over the kids. They’d borrowed Ellie’s old bassinet from Aria, but the newborn refused to settle unless she was being held. So Alison had rocked her to sleep. Alison fell asleep with the baby in her arms.

The little boy was tired, but he didn’t sleep. He stayed up, staring at Emily as she walked him around the house and rubbed his back. She talked to him. He didn’t cry. He just watched Emily the whole time. It went on until the early hours of the morning, when he did finally drift off to sleep in her arms. She laid down in the bed with Alison and the boy’s little sister and she watched them sleeping peacefully. It was a serenity she’d never known.

The next day Emily and Alison had a lengthy discussion about it. It was a huge decision, especially with Emily still coming to terms with everything she’d been through. Alison was still emotionally healing from their trauma. They’d been working through it together. They both struggled sometimes. Emily hit lows. She had nightmares. Alison still had flashbacks.

Bringing kids into the equation was a huge deal, but something about the children losing their mother in such a tragic way really sparked something inside of them, especially Emily. She’d wanted to help others the way she’d been helped. She felt like she’d answered that call for a reason. She knew it was a lot to dive in with children, but she’d practically raised her little sister. The timing wasn’t perfect, but she had to follow her heart. She knew the babies were meant to be with her…with them.

It didn’t take Alison long to decide. She felt connected to the children, too. And she could feel the connection that Emily had with them. She saw how much love Emily had to give, and she saw how the children responded to her. She knew they were going to have to find a balance for the sake of their mental health, but she felt confident that they could waver it. After everything they had been through, Alison knew that they could handle anything.

Motherhood wasn’t something they were planning. It was thrust upon them. But it felt right. By the end of the week they were working on the paperwork to officially adopt them.

Their paperwork was approved quickly thanks to Spencer, who pulled some strings with good friends she had in social services.

The children’s mother had left specific instructions in her suicide note asking for Emily to take care of them. She wanted them to be loved and safe and cared for, all things that Emily had made the woman herself feel. She also asked that Emily consider new names for them, because she didn’t want the ghost of her hovering over them for the rest of their lives. She wanted them to have a new start…a better life.

When they were considering names, Alison had asked what Ethan’s and Ellie’s middle names were. When she heard the names Ethan Tobias and Ellie Grace, the names just clicked.

That’s how Tobias Jason and Grace Cecilia were born into their family. They were named for Emily’s siblings and Alison’s brother and Cece.

Like any family, they had rough patches, but their love carried them through. They fell into parenting somewhat naturally despite their insecurities and their fears. They were still healing, but they were healing as a family.

Sunday outings at the park became a regular thing for them. They met up with Aria, Holden, and Ellie on a regular basis.

Alison watched her children running around the playground. Toby was toddling back up the hill, towing Grace along. Ellie was chasing them, gaining on them.

“I got you!” Ellie giggled when she caught up to the younger kids.

Grace burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. Ellie picked her up. Ellie wasn’t much bigger than Grace, but she somehow managed to pull her up off of the ground and start walking back towards their mothers. It was comical to see Ellie try to tote her. Toby chased after them.

“Wait for me!” He called after her.

“They seem to be in good spirits,” Aria said.

“Most days.” Alison nodded, glancing at Aria. She could see her reflection in Aria’s sunglasses. “They’re both too little to comprehend it. They don’t understand death. It’s been a difficult adjustment for Toby. He’s been having nightmares. He doesn’t understand the bad dreams, but he has them.”

“It’s going to take time.” Aria put her hand on Alison’s arm, trying to comfort her. “You’ll find a routine with them.”

“I hope so,” Alison said with a sigh. “She wanted them to know how loved they were. I just want to make that happen every day for the rest of their lives.”

“Your babies know they’re loved.”

“Yeah, Emily made sure of that.” Alison watched as Toby stopped to observe a flower, something that he’d learned from his Mama. Emily had always been big on teaching their children how to appreciate the little things in life.

“You know you didn’t answer my question. You’ve talked about the kids, but how are _you_ doing? You’ve been through a lot.”

“I have my good days and bad days. It happened so quick. I think I’m still processing it. It doesn’t feel real.” She reached down and scratched her dog’s head. He’d been a calming constant through everything.

“It’s okay if you’re not okay. Just because you’re a mom now doesn’t mean you can’t have bad days. If you ever need me and Holden to take the kids for a few days and take some time we’d be happy to help.”

“I appreciate that.” Alison peered at the kids again. She never realized how much she looked at them. She felt like her eyes darted to them every two seconds. “But they keep me motivated. They’re my normal. They keep me together.” She paused and then smiled. “It’s weird that in a world of chaos, _more_ chaos seems to balance it out. Sometimes good things come from terrible situations.”

“Tragedy does tend to have a way of making people take stock of things. In a strange way it brings people together.” Aria looked at the playground full of children running around, giggling and laughing. “I heard that Caleb is speaking at the memorial today.”

“It took a lot of convincing to get that hermit out of his house. But he knows how important it is. Not just for Emily, but for Vets everywhere.”

Aria nodded quietly.

“Life is delicate. I think people take that for granted sometimes.”

“Every minute is precious.” Alison reached up and gripped a locket around her neck. It had her initials and Emily’s initials engraved on it. Inside there was a picture of her and Emily with their kids. Emily had made everyone laugh the day the photo had been taken. It was one of Alison’s favorite pictures, because it was candid. And all the smiles were genuine.

They walked out to a field where a bunch of mothers had gathered with their babies and toddlers for a sensory story time where the kids listened to a story and then did a bunch of various activities to help them develop motor skills. The kids loved it because they got to play and socialize. The parents loved it because it got them out of the house.

Alison saw Ronnie and Samara and waved. Ronnie had her 6-month-old son on her hip, a little boy named in honor of his Uncle Peter. Alison saw them around a lot. It was strange the way that fate had put them together.

Alison watched as Toby and Ellie led Grace to a large plastic tub filled with different brightly colored water beads. Grace stuck her hand in the tub and started giggling.

“You know, I look at them and realize just how innocent they are. I look at them and I know they have no idea how harsh the world is. It’s wild to think that at one time…we were all that innocent.” Alison sighed. “I don’t want the world to break them.”

“You can’t protect them from pain.” Aria adjusted her sunglasses. “Suffering is a part of life. It’s a shitty part, but it’s a part of it. We both know that there is no way around it. It’s best to face it head on. Our pain is always going to be there. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn to coexist with it. Happiness doesn’t mean we’re not sad. It just means that we’ve found something worth surviving for. And that’s what we should teach our kids. To know and accept the pain, but to find something that makes life worth living.”

“Okay, this sounds like a lecture you’d give one of our callers.” Alison side-eyed Aria.

“Everyone can use a little support and self-help now and then. Take my damn love.” Aria shoved her playfully.

They laughed, watching as their little ones played with the other kids. Toby stayed close to his little sister. He was very protective of her. One little boy came up and tried to take away a blue scarf that she was playing with. Lupo saw it happening and barked from across the field. But the dog didn’t need to protect his little human. Toby had it covered. He frowned at the little boy and scolded him, wagging his finger just the way Alison did when she was mad.

“He does a really good impression of you.” Aria smiled.

“A little too good sometimes. He’s picking up some of my favorite not-so-kid-friendly words.”

“Which one?” Aria lifted her brow curiously.

“All of them.” Alison made a face. “He said ‘fuck’ in our mommy and me class last week.”

“Ah, yes, I remember when Ellie walked around saying ‘shit’ for almost two weeks solid.” Aria nodded. “Has Grace been picking up any of those habits?”

“Not yet, thankfully. She’s a bit more reserved. Sometimes the way she acts reminds me of Emily. She’s really artsy. And she’s a thinker. I can tell she is _always_ thinking.”

They watched their children play for a few minutes. When the story time was over the kids started to disperse and run off in different directions. Ellie ran over to the playground and climbed up the stairs to the slide again.

Grace started toddling after some of the bigger kids. She pivoted when she saw a chipmunk scurrying towards a wooded area. Lupo started to whine when he lost sight of her. Alison reached down to pet him to let him know Grace was okay.

Before Grace could get into trouble someone swooped in and picked her up. Grace gripped the tattooed arm that was holding her tight and looked up with a toothy grin.

“Where do you think you’re going, Little Miss?” Emily questioned, kissing her forehead.

“Mama!” Grace exclaimed. She wrapped her chubby little arms around Emily’s neck.

“Hi, peanut.” Emily gently scratched her back.

Toby ran up to her and grabbed her pants, knotting the thick material through his little fingers. He reached up with his other hand and tugged on the bottom of her shirt so she would pick him up, too. Emily leaned down and scooped him up with her free arm.

“Hey, buddy, are you having fun with mommy and Auntie Aria and Ellie?”

“We sang songs.” Toby smiled in excitement.

Alison saw Emily and waved to her. Grace laid her head against Emily’s shoulder, but Toby squirmed as he looked at their surroundings. He was a little wiggle-worm.

“Bird!” Toby pointed to a grey and white bird that swooped past them and landed on a low hanging tree branch.

“That’s right, baby boy.”

Alison and Aria started walking towards Emily. Alison kept her eyes on the brunette holding their babies. She loved her so much.

“She has been so amazing with them.” Alison watched as Emily quietly talked to the kids. “She is the only one who can bring Toby out of his nightmares about his birth mom. Even though he was just a baby, we know it stayed with him. It’s been hard to watch him suffer. I just want to take his pain away.”

“It’s the _worst_ when your kids are hurting.” Aria agreed. “All you want to do is take on that pain for them.”

“I feel helpless sometimes, because I can’t calm him down.” Alison watched Emily with their children. “But she can. She gets to him every time. I feel useless.”

“You help, Ali. If it wasn’t for you, Emily wouldn’t be around to help him.” Aria pointed out.

“I think she gets it on a level that he can connect to. He might not know it consciously, but subconsciously, they’ve got that shared bond.”

It was a painful thing to have a bond over, but Emily had seen her father die in front of her, too. After Toby’s birth mother had committed suicide, the crime scene investigators had determined that he’d been near her body several times, trying to wake her.

Sometimes Alison didn’t understand how their mother could have done that to her children, but she also knew the intricacies and complexities of depression and suicide. She understood that when a fight was lost, it wasn’t anyone’s fault.

She knew that the woman had loved her children. She’d loved them enough to make sure that they ended up with a family who could give them everything they could ever need.

But she also knew that the children were grieving. It had been three years, but there was a void in their lives that they didn’t understand. It was a terrible thing for a parent to see their children go through, because there was nothing they could do but let them feel the pain.

The death hadn’t just rocked the kids. Alison’s and Emily’s whole lives had changed in an instant. Everything had happened so fast. One day they were working together as a single unit and the next day they were moms. Even though the years had passed it still felt like just yesterday that they’d expanded their family.

Love was the most important thing in their household. They wanted their children to know they were loved. They wanted them to know that their birth mother loved them. When they were older, and if they had questions, they were going to explain that she’d lost a battle that was hard to win.

The emotional anxiety that came with being a mom was hard on Alison sometimes. She’d spent so much time worrying about Emily, and now she had two little tiny humans that added to that worry. She worried when Grace was fussy. She worried when Toby couldn’t sleep. She worried about the world around them.

Emily was a strangely perfect balance in the household. She still had bouts of PTSD, but she managed. She let Alison in, because she knew it wasn’t something she could handle alone.

They still went to therapy. Emily didn’t like to talk about her past, but she realized the importance of working through everything that had happened to her.

Some of the stories made Alison feel physically sick. She had trouble reconciling everything that the brunette had been through.

She was beyond thankful that Emily was alive and well, but that didn’t mean she didn’t hurt for her when she saw her scars, visible and not visible. Alison still got angry when she thought about how much she’d suffered. She also had complete admiration for her because of the way Emily persisted.

Emily had to manage her pain to maintain the life that she wanted. It was a trade-off. Their kids made everything worth it. Even on their worst days, a smile from Toby or a giggle from Grace felt like the greatest gift in the world.

Seeing both of their babies happy made them happy. And they were never happier than when they were in Emily’s arms.

Emily toted them over towards Aria and Alison. They met near the entrance of the playground. Lupo bounced around Emily playfully and wagged his tail.

“Hi.” Emily smiled, leaning in to kiss Alison.

“Hey.” Alison smiled back. She gave Grace a kiss on the forehead and the baby reached for her. Alison took her from Emily.

“Sorry I’m late.” Emily shifted Toby on her hip and reached down to pet the dog. “Had a call that ran a little long.”

“Everything okay?” Alison asked.

“By the end of it, yeah.” Emily nodded.

Working at the call center had opened the door for healing for both of them. Helping others is something that ultimately helped them.

“Any time we can reach them is a win in my book,” Aria said.

“I’m living proof of that.” Emily agreed.

“Mommy!” Ellie called for Aria. She was standing at the top of the slide. “Mommy, come watch!”

“That’s another call I can’t ignore.” Aria laughed. She walked towards the slide.

Toby watched Aria walking away and he started twisting around in Emily’s arms. He stopped momentarily when he saw Samara running up to them.

“Sami!” He exclaimed excitedly.

“Hi, Toby.” Samara waved. She looked up at Emily and smiled. One of her front teeth was missing. “Emily, Emily, look what I made in school.” She held her hand out, showcasing a colorful beaded bracelet.

She was too little to understand the concept of her father’s liver being in Emily, but she knew that her daddy had helped Emily the way Emily had helped him. She understood that her daddy saved Emily’s life. And she felt connected to her.

“Wow, that’s super cool, Sam.” Emily whistled, an impressed look on her face.

“My Auntie told me I could go play on the swings. Can Toby come play?”

“I wanna!” Toby bounced in Emily’s arms.

“Sure.” Emily laughed as she sat him down. She looked at her son. “Be sure to hold on really tight, okay?”

“I will.”

“Come on, I’ll show you how to swing soooo high.” Samara took Toby’s hand.

He walked along the trail with her, his mothers watching him go.

“Bye bye.” Grace waved with her chubby little hand. She was content in Alison’s arms. She was worn out from trying to keep up with the older kids.

“They’ll be out cold tonight.” Alison rubbed Grace’s back as she watched Toby chase after Samara.

“Hopefully.” Emily nodded. “I think he does better when he’s been out playing in the sunshine.”

“And what about his Mama?” Alison reached out with her free hand and gripped Emily’s fingers. “How are _you_ doing?”

“Nervous.” Emily linked her fingers into Alison’s.

“You sure you want to do this?”

“This could help a lot of people…” Emily looked across the playground at Toby and then looked at Grace and Alison. “I want our kids to know that it’s okay to be hurt and that it’s okay to feel things and to know when to ask for help. I want people to know.”

“It’s a lot…sharing this with the world.”

“If it stops just one person from being another statistic it will be worth it.” Emily reached up and pinched Grace’s cheek. Grace smiled bashfully. “I’m doing it for them.” She faced Alison. “What good am I…what good is my story of survival if it can’t be used to help others? I know I was iffy on this motivational speaker thing at first, but I think it’s important.”

“This is why I love you.” Alison squeezed her hand.

Emily was a very private person. She had a hard time talking about her life in therapy, so the fact that Emily was teaming up with their friends to talk about depression and suicide made Alison really appreciate Emily’s selflessness. She had several speaking engagements lined up. The first one was at a memorial for veterans who had taken their own lives. She had asked Caleb to speak with her. He’d been resistant at first, but he could see how much it meant to her.

Hanna, Mona, and Charles had been much easier to convince. They had set up programs for at-risk youth to talk about their personal experiences with their inner demons. They wanted to make sure kids knew that it was okay to seek help.

Their organization had gained so much traction that people were reaching out to them about speaking engagements. That’s where Emily’s story had come into play. It was all thanks to Emily that Alison had gotten the idea to expand the services of the suicide hotline.

The program was where the idea for the support group extension had come from. Their little non-profit had been working hard to expand their role in the community. They had purchased a vacant building and had transformed it into a center where people could come to at any time of the day or night for help. It was a safe haven for people when they were at their lowest. They had a great team of staff that worked to keep it running.

“Mama.” Grace smiled. “Love you, Mama.”

“I love you, too, Bean.” Emily played with Grace’s fingers.

“What time is the talk scheduled for?” Alison asked.

“Four. The bus from the VA and the shuttle from the senior center are supposed to get there at 3:30. Caleb is going to meet us there.”

“You think he’ll actually show?”

“He’ll show. He knows I’ll beat him over the head with his fake leg if he doesn’t,” Emily said. “Besides, it’s as important to him as it is to me. You know we’ve both had trouble with our PTSD. Only way we get by is by getting each other through it. And we both realize that we could do that for others. We want to invoke change.”

Alison had learned all about the statistics of the veteran suicide rate. She always knew it was high, but she’d only recently learned that twenty to thirty vets killed themselves every day. They were almost two times more likely to kill themselves than non-veterans.

“I got like half a dozen more chances at life than other people. I don’t think it’s fair to waste it.”

Alison admired Emily so much for surviving everything and coming out the other end of it with the desire to help others.

“I’ll be right there with you the whole time.”

“You always have been.”

“Always will be.” Alison smiled sweetly at her.

Alison had been through her side through it all. Emily knew she wouldn’t be where she was without her.

She looked at Alison and felt so much love that she didn’t know how to handle it. The blonde had been the yin to her yang since the moment they met.

She watched as Alison cuddled their little girl. Seeing the smiles on their faces was pure adulterated joy. Alison kissed the tip of Grace’s nose and then looked up at Emily.

Emily looked back at her, and she knew at that very moment that she was going to marry her. She had never been more certain of anything in her life.


	22. Tapestry of Scars

** _A/N: _ ** _Oh, my, this crazy ride. This crazy emotional wild ride. Thank you for those who took it with me. As I’ve stated numerous times before, all these topics are extremely sensitive. This was a huge undertaking and it was a challenge to create the right balance of reality and sensitivity. _

_Writing about depression, anxiety, suicide, PTSD, and abuse toes a very fine line. These are topics that should absolutely be at the forefront of conversation, but should not be glorified for entertainment purposes. When I wrote this story I set out with the intention of creating something that would shed light on taboo subjects. I set out to show a raw journey of the struggle that many people face, but either A) Can’t talk about or B) Don’t have access to the proper resources to talk about. _

_I want to see real change in society in terms of mental health and abuse. I want to see the stigma associated with mental illness torn to pieces. I want people to see who a person is, and not an underlying disease. I also want anyone who has ever survived anything traumatic to know that there are people out there who care. Compassion and empathy are critical in implementing real change. In the words of Charlie Chaplin, “We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery.”_

_Ironically, I know that misery is something I’ve brought to all of you. But I hope that the moments of happiness and joy were just as potent. Thank you all so much for taking this feels trip with me. I love you for riding with me to the end. _

* * *

**Chapter 22: **

**Tapestry of Scars**

** 1 year later  
  
**

The proposal didn’t happen immediately. Emily was trying to put some thought into her plans. She’d never been good with big romantic gestures. She’d never been good at anything romantic. She’d never been in love before. Her idea of romance was satisfying her partners in bed…repeatedly. But after years with Alison she’d learned that loving someone and pleasing them wasn’t the same thing.

She set out to show Alison how much she loved her. Unfortunately, her secretive behavior sparked some concerns in Alison. She was worried that Emily was hiding her pain again.

She watched her very carefully. She listened to everything she said, including what she told others at her speaking engagements.

One day after a talk at a high school a bunch of teenagers were coming up to the team and talking to them. Their stories had opened the door for actual dialogues. A young gay boy cried and told Charles how much it meant to him that he wasn’t broken and that he wasn’t alone in his feelings and how confident that it made him feel that love transcended everything.

A ninth grade girl who had struggled with an eating disorder thanked Hanna for making her feel less alone. She asked Hanna questions about how she managed her daily diet and how she kept negative thoughts about her self-image at bay.

Emily’s story was a lot more daunting for the kids to swallow, yet it still inspired them to talk to her.

When the auditorium was nearly empty two girls approached Emily. One girl was tall with long dark hair. The other was a curly headed blonde who was nearly a foot shorter than her friend, but had a stance that made her appear like she was the only person in the room.

“Hey, I didn’t bore you to sleep, did I?” Emily questioned.

“Not at all. It was the opposite actually,” the shorter girl said. “I mean, don’t get me wrong…we initially thought it was just going to be some corny afterschool special littered with tropes and inspirational sayings we’ve heard a million times. We weren’t expecting…_all that_.” She waved her hands in the air. “Everything you went through. It was just…mind-blowing. I’ve got to tell you, I barely pay attention in class, but I hung on to your every word.”

Emily always felt humbled when she talked to kids and teens. Most of them were very straightforward and didn’t have a filter, so when they complimented her she knew they meant it.

“We get a lot of these Ted talks, but this was by far the least watered down it’s ever been. It’s like…you actually _get it_, you know?” The darker haired girl said.

“I’m glad it helped.”

“This was a hundred times more helpful than _any_ class we’ve ever taken,” The dark haired girl said with conviction. “I…um…” The girl looked at her friend and then back at Emily. “_We_ have a question. Do you mind?”

“Ask away. It’s what I’m here for.”

“Does it _really_ get better?”

Emily had been asked the question before, but she always took pause when she answered, because there was no definitive answer. She didn’t like lying to people. She didn’t like being another talking head that spouted inspirational phrases. She wanted people to be prepared for the reality of the situation. That meant the good and the bad.

“Yes and no.” She hesitated. “There are no definites. Life isn’t a simple color-by-the-number page of art where we all stay within the lines. It’s messy. Everything that happens to us, good and bad…it becomes our own work of art. Our scars become part of that. They become a part of who we are.”

She wished she could tell them that life got easier. She wished she could tell them they would never face hate or discrimination or be in pain. She wished she could give them a fairytale ending, but life wasn’t a fairytale. Not every story had a perfect ending. Life wasn’t something that could be tied up with a neat little bow. Life was gritty and messy.

“Life is an ongoing process. Things are constantly changing. Feelings are constantly changing.” She looked over at Alison, who was bouncing Grace on her lap. Toby was playing with a toy car. Emily smiled. In that moment, Emily felt content. “It’s not so much about whether or not it gets better. It’s about how we get by day to day. Some days are easier than others. You get to a point where even though you know the bad exists, the good overshadows it. The bad will always be there, but it’s something you learn to live with.”

Life was ongoing. Endings were finite.

“It’s not about happy endings. It’s about taking the little things that are meaningful and fighting like hell to keep them. Every day.”

The girls thanked Emily for her candor and then walked towards the exit, quietly talking about their personal struggles. Emily watched them, still in awe that she was actually _helping_ people, though it wasn’t like helping others was something new to her. She’d been doing it her whole life. She’d cared for her siblings at home. She’d watched after her squad overseas. She’d protected her friends in town. It’s who she was.

Alison walked over to her with the kids in tow.

“That was amazing.” Alison smiled as she leaned in to kiss her. “_You_ are amazing.”

“None of this would be happening if it wasn’t for you.” Emily reminded her.

“You can thank Jason for the funding. He wanted his share of our parents’ trust to go to this.”

“How is he doing?”

“Good. I talked to him yesterday. The GED classes he’s teaching are going over well with the other inmates.”

“We really need to get up there to visit him soon.”

“I want to see Uncle Jason.” Toby suddenly looked up from his toy car. “When can we go?”

“Soon,” Emily said, reaching down to tousle his hair.

Toby and Grace loved their Uncle Jason. Grace played peek-a-boo with him every time they visited. Toby loved to talk to him about trucks and airplanes. And dinosaurs. His new obsession was dinosaurs.

“We should put in a call about a visit,” Emily suggested.

Alison didn’t know that Emily had been up to see her brother without her knowledge two weeks ago. She’d gone to ask for his permission to ask for Alison’s hand in marriage. He’d just grinned and looked at her and said,

_“It’s about time.”_

Emily’s phone buzzed from her pocket. She grabbed it and peeked at the screen. It was a reminder for her to run by the courthouse to finalize some documents.

“I have to run some errands.” Emily slipped her phone back in her pocket.

The fact that she avoided eye contact made Alison suspicious. Emily was eerily good at hiding her pain. Even though she talked about it more openly now, there were certain aspects of her depression that she was able to hide.

“You want to grab a bite to eat so you can unwind?” Alison asked.

It was a routine of sorts that they’d started after Emily went public with her life. Alison knew that no matter how many times Emily told her story, she was always unnerved afterwards. She was often off for a few days. Just by looking at her, Alison could tell there was something going on her mind.

“I’m good. Raincheck?” Emily asked.

“You sure?”

“Mmhmm.” Emily nodded.

Alison opened her mouth to reply, but Hanna came flying around the corner. She was walking so fast that she nearly ran directly into Emily.

“Hey, I’m glad I caught you before you left. I wanted to see how you’re holding up with everything. I know it’s been hard keeping…” Hanna stopped short when she realized that Alison was standing next to her. She clammed up. “Alison, hi. I…did not realize you were still here.”

Emily cut a look at Hanna like she was going to kill her. Hanna looked back at her apologetically. Alison didn’t miss the exchange. Hanna desperately tried to recover.

“I was just getting ready to tell Emily that um…keeping track of this schedule hasn’t been easy and that…she’s…” She faced Emily, “You’re doing a great job. So…thank you…for that.” She sounded like a teenager acting badly in a high school play. “Anyway…yeah. So…I’m going to let you have your family time. Mona is waiting for me. Outside. Where the car is. In the parking lot. Where we park.”

The exchange was painfully awkward, and Hanna knew it. She smiled nervously and then gave Emily a look that Alison didn’t understand. Hanna quickly retreated.

“What was that all about?” Alison asked. “She’s acting weirder than usual. Is everything okay with her?”

“She’s fine.” Emily reached for her bag. She glanced at her watch. “We should both probably get going. Ellie is having her sleepover tonight. I’ve got everything packed for them already. Holden is going to be by around five to get them.” She reached down and picked Toby up. “You ready to have fun with Ellie tonight?”

“Yeah.” He smiled.

“You’re going to take care of your little sister, right?”

“Yeah. Course. I’m her big brother.”

“Love you, munchkin.” Emily kissed his head.

“Love you more, Mama.” He leaned in and rubbed his nose against Emily’s. She put him back down.

“I’ll call you later, okay?” Emily leaned in to kiss Alison on the cheek.

Alison frowned, a worried look on her face. She could feel the nervous energy that Emily was exuding. She just didn’t realize that it was a _good_ nervous energy.

Emily rushed towards the door. She was afraid if she stayed around Alison any longer she would blow the secret. She met up with Hanna outside, who apologized a dozen times.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t see her when I was coming around that corner. I almost blew it, didn’t I?”

“Don’t worry about it. Do you have it?”

“Yeah.” Hanna dug around in her bag. She pulled out a small felt box and handed it to Emily.

“Thanks for keeping it under lock and key. There aren’t many places to hide it at our house. Alison is a snoop. And our kids are into everything.” Emily opened the box to look at the ring.

“I’m so excited for you.” Hanna clapped her hands together.

Emily closed the box and smiled. She put the ring in her bag and then smiled back at Hanna.

“I’m excited, too.”

They stood out underneath the awning talking quietly, unaware that Alison had crept out the side door and was trying to follow her wife. Toby and Grace were playing with Charles and Andrew. Alison told them she needed a minute alone to go to the bathroom and the boys had jumped on the opportunity to hang out with the kids.

She couldn’t make out what Hanna and Emily were saying, but she picked up on a key part of the conversation.

“She has no idea?” Hanna asked.

“I’ve managed to keep it quiet.”

“Well, you know if you need any more help, I’m here.”

“I appreciate it. It’s been really tough to keep it from her. But if she finds out…”

They walked out of earshot. Alison cursed under her breath. She didn’t like that Emily was keeping secrets from her. Why would she go to Hanna and not her?

It ate away at her as the day went on.

Even when Emily called her an hour later and told her she wanted to take her out for dinner all Alison could think about was that she was sleuthing around in the shadows and keeping things from her. It was hard not to think the worst. She was worried it had something to do with her health. Maybe that’s why she’d been talking to Hanna.

Emily took Alison to her favorite restaurant, but she seemed nervous the entire time they were eating dinner.

Alison asked her several times if she was okay. Emily told her she was fine. But she was obviously _not_ fine.

Alison wasn’t convinced. She badgered her all the way home. It just made Emily more nervous than she already was. She didn’t want to screw it up.

When they got home Alison went to make herself a drink to settle her nerves. Emily took the opportunity to duck out of the living room and disappear into the guest bedroom, which had been turned into an art studio.

She grabbed a sketchpad, cursing herself for not having it in place already. Her plan was to have it in their bedroom before they walked in for bed tonight. It was one very important detail she’d forgotten.

Emily pulled the box with the ring out of the bag and took a breath.

This was it.

She closed the box and fumbled around with it, trying to figure out the best place to keep it discreetly hidden until they got upstairs. Her hands were sweating. She was shaking so much that she almost dropped the box. She was able to recover from the faux pas, but she knocked over some of her art supplies in the process.

“Damn it,” she muttered. She put the sketchpad down and quickly went to gather her things.

As she was trying to clean up her mess Alison came into the room with her drink in her hand. She saw Emily on her hands and knees and put her drink down on an end table and walked over to help her.

“No. It’s fine. It’s okay. I’ve got it.” Emily stuttered out nervously. She didn’t want to accidentally ruin the surprise. “Go enjoy your drink. I’m good.”

“Emily…” Alison kneeled down. She reached for her hand and helped her to her feet. “Look at me.” Alison squeezed her hand when their eyes met. “You’ve been acting really weird all day. What are you hiding?”

Emily took a breath and tried not to let Alison feel how much she was shaking.

“Nothing.”

Her answer upset Alison. She knew when Emily was lying to her.

“Stop bullshitting me and just tell me the truth. I know something is going on with you.” Alison huffed in irritation. “You can’t pull away like this. You’re really freaking me out.”

“I’m not…” Emily felt her mouth getting dry. She’d fought battles overseas, but nothing had ever scared her this much. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you…”

“I mean…are you sick?” Alison thought back to the conversation she’d overheard Emily have with Hanna earlier. “Or…is it…are you struggling with your depression? Because whatever it is…”

“Alison…” Emily interrupted her, trying to keep her from spinning out. “I’m okay.” She reached up and pushed a strand of Alison’s hair out of her face. “Just calm down. Let’s just go relax upstairs.”

“No. We’re not leaving this room until you tell me what’s going on.”

She had a defiant expression in her eyes. And Emily knew there was no walking out of that art studio.

“_Now_, Emily.”

Emily grumbled under her breath.

“Remind me never to plan anything for you again.” Emily rolled her eyes.

Emily grabbed the sketchbook. Alison opened it and stared at the image that Emily had drawn. It was the two of them looking into each other’s eyes. Emily always managed to capture a real love that was hard to replicate in art. Their eyes were so full of life.

The image was beautiful, but Alison wasn’t making the connection. She didn’t see how it was relevant to whatever Emily was hiding.

“What is this?” Alison asked in confusion.

“It…it works better when you can see the whole story.” Emily turned the sketchbook and unfolded a small tab that had been custom made. It transformed the sketchbook into a flipbook.

Alison put her thumb up against the side of the pad and started flipping through the photos. It turned into an animated skit of the two of them getting closer, holding hands, smiling, growing closer, kissing, and then…

The last picture showed Emily down on one knee. Alison was so stunned that she didn’t even realize that Emily had actually moved down on to one knee in front of her.

When Alison looked down she saw a tiny black box open with a custom diamond ring nestled inside of it.

“Oh my God.” Alison felt tears springing to her eyes.

“I…I wasn’t sure how to do this right. I’m still learning. I wanted to do something that shows you what you mean to me, but…I didn’t know how to make it perfect for you. Because that’s what you are to me. You’re perfect. And I wanted to give you a big fancy proposal in Paris on top of the Eiffel Tower…you know, the kind of stuff you see in those romance movies…” Emily tried to rein it in. She was rambling. Her brain was firing off words faster than she could comprehend saying them. “Everything I came up with seemed to pale in comparison to what you deserved. Because you deserve skywriters and fireworks and marching bands. But everything I tried to come up with just didn’t feel right…it didn’t feel like _us._ And that’s the most important part of who we are…that’s the most important part of our love. We’re unique. You told me once that it was all the little things you loved about me…”

Back after her second suicide attempt Alison had made sure Emily knew that their love wasn’t messed up. It was something that Emily had not forgotten. She still remembered exactly what Alison had told her.

_“I care about you…about what you do for me, about how you make me feel. I care that you hold me when we sleep and that you touch my face and look at me when you want to say something important. I care about the times you’ve gone to bat for me. I care about you stepping in when I was being harassed at that bar. I care about you not judging me for what happened with my parents, and…and for being there for me when I fell apart in a pool with sub-degree temperatures.”_

They’d gone through hell and back together and they were still standing. Emily had come to realize that Alison had been right that night in the hospital. Their love was different.

_“What we have doesn’t fit into a neat little box for people to label who we are. Fuck society and their ideals of love. We’re not the giggly teenagers snuggling in the movie theater. We’re not the married couple ordering each other’s dinner at our favorite restaurant. We’re not those two lovers that have to give one another a play-by-play of our feelings. It’s more than that. It runs deeper than that. I know what I feel for you, and I know you feel the same.”_

It had always been about _feelings_ and _actions_ more than “the status quo”, which is why Emily had chosen an unconventional way to propose. It hadn’t gone exactly according to plan, but it was perfectly imperfect for them.

“Love hasn’t always come easy for me. My feelings haven’t always come easy for me. And I started to realize that I leave a lot of my emotions in my art. So instead of a big parade, I wanted to show you how love feels…for us. I wanted to show you how beautiful you are to me…and how beautiful our love is. These drawings represent something I never thought I’d have. They represent the impossible. You are the reason we’re here together. You are the reason I believe in love. You are my very reason for being. I love you more than life itself. _You_ are my life, Alison. Will you marry me?”

Alison couldn’t speak. She was too stunned. She felt like she was having an out of body experience. She’d been worried about something bad happening all day. She wasn’t prepared for the pure joy of something _this_ good.

Instead of speaking, Alison just nodded wordlessly as tears ran down her cheeks. She would have shouted it from the rooftops if she was able to form words, but all that came out of her mouth was loud sobs of happiness.

Emily slipped the ring on her finger. Both of their hands were shaking. Alison yanked Emily off of the floor and grabbed her cheeks to pull her in for a kiss.

When Emily felt Alison’s velvety lips against hers, she felt like everything in the world was whole. Every inkling of pain she had dropped away.

Alison’s chest stopped heaving and she was finally able to catch her breath. When she pulled away she gave Emily a teary-eyed smile.

“I love you so much,” the blonde said quietly.

“I love you, too.” Emily rested her forehead against Alison’s.

“This is what you’ve been up to?” Alison asked.

“Are you surprised?”

“I…” Alison huffed out a laugh. “I had no idea. You were acting so shady. It scared the hell out of me.”

“I want every surprise from here on out to be something that makes you feel _good_.” Emily laid her hand against Alison’s cheek.

“How long have you been planning this?”

“You remember that day in the park right before I went to my first speaking engagement?”

“That was like a year ago.” Alison’s face lit up. “You’ve been thinking about this _that_ long?”

“Longer.” Emily admitted. “Truth be told, I should have done this a long time ago. It just makes sense. We’ve been a family for so long. This will just make it official. I just had to get some paperwork done. I wanted to make sure everything was ready for us. After everything we’ve been through…” She drifted off, “I just wanted to make sure you and the kids are taken care of. My retirement…it’s…it’s not much.” She wiped a tear away from Alison’s cheek.

“You are more than enough.” Alison said, pecking her lips.

Emily was smiling when she pulled away.

“You already own my heart. I want to make sure you get everything else, too,” Emily explained.

“Your heart is the only thing that matters.”

“So…are you done being mad at me for sneaking around? Can we leave the room now?”

“Why? What did you have in mind?” Alison lifted her brows.

“You kind of forced my hand to do the proposal in here. There was more to it.”

“There was?”

“Come on.” Emily gently pulled away. “No peeking.” She put her hands over Alison’s eyes and led her out of the room.

She helped Alison maneuver around the living room and then told her to close her eyes as she picked her up and carried her up the stairs. She gently sat her down and covered her eyes again. She kept one hand over Alison’s eyes as she walked into their room. She pulled her hand away from Alison’s face.

“You can look now.”

When Alison opened her eyes she saw that their bedroom had been transformed into a romantic wonderland that looked like it was straight out of the movies. While they had been out at dinner, their friends had been busy decorating their bedroom with twinkling lights, heart emblems, and rose petals. The ambiance was stunning.

Alison took a step forward and gawked at the setup.

“Oh, Em…” _‘It’s beautiful’_ felt so cliché to say.

She didn’t have to say anything. Emily shushed her and took her hands. She led her to the bed. She gently cupped her face and kissed her as she lowered her down against the mattress.

** 8 years later **

Emily stared at a framed portrait of the first picture she and Alison had taken as wives. It was right after their vows. She had dipped Alison and caught her by surprise with a passionate kiss. The photographer had captured the look of elation on both of their faces. It was one of Emily’s favorite pictures. It was candid and real. She ran her fingers across the top of the frame and put the picture down.

Their wedding had been small. Toby had been the ring bearer. Grace had been the flower girl. Aria, Spencer, Cece, and Shana had been Alison’s bridesmaids, while Hanna, Mona, Caleb, Charles, and Andrew stood by Emily’s side.

Jason had been able to see the wedding via video chat. All the important people in their lives had been there.

After the wedding they’d gone on about their lives like nothing had changed. Marriage didn’t feel any different to either of them. Their family was still their family. Their family was all that mattered.

She heard the front door open and then close. Toby walked into the living room, his backpack slung over one shoulder.

“Hey, how was school?” Emily asked.

“Wild. Everyone was acting crazy because of spring break.” He grumped something under his breath. He had become a sullen little emo teen when he started middle school. “They celebrate a little differently in middle school. One kid acted like it was Mardi Gras and went around lifting his shirt for beads. It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“I wish I could tell you things get less weird as you get older, kid, but trust me…they only get weirder.” Emily brushed a tuft of Lupo’s hair off of the end table next to the couch. “At least you’re getting a break from it next week.”

“Oh, yeah, I almost forgot…I need my permission slip for the ski trip.”

“It’s on the kitchen counter. I signed it this morning.”

“Cool.” He tried his best not so show any emotion, because emotions weren’t “cool”.

“Are you excited?”

“I mean…kind of.” He shrugged.

“Are those older boys still giving you a hard time?”

“No, not after I stood up to them.”

Emily had taught her children to fight for themselves. She had taught them how to survive, especially against bullies. Alison hadn’t been pleased to get the phone call from Toby’s school the day he’d given another student a bloody nose, but Emily had been proud of her boy.

“Just don’t shove anyone off of a mountain while on this trip, okay?” Emily asked.

Toby chuckled under his breath.

“You’re going to tell _me_ to behave when you and mom are going partying on the high sea?”

“Well, if your mother and I come home with beads, you’ll know what we did to get them.” Emily teased.

“Aaand I’m scarred for life.” He stuck his tongue out in disgust. “Being the only dude in this place is harsh sometimes.”

“You’ve got Lupo.” Emily pointed to the dog snoozing on the couch.

She sat down next to him. He lifted his head. His entire muzzle was gray. He was starting to lose weight. He walked with a limp, but he still had a little bit of pep in his old man step. He still got after the squirrels. He laid his head in Emily’s lap. She pet him and his tail started to wag.

Toby tossed his bookbag down and sat down next to his mom and his dog.

“Yeah, I guess you aren’t so bad, old timer.” He scratched Lupo’s chin. He reached for the TV remote. “Can we watch _Sharks of the Deep_?”

“We can watch whatever you want.” Emily smiled.

He turned the TV on and flipped it to his favorite show. He got so into the TV show that he barely noticed his mother staring at him. She liked seeing him happy.

She leaned back against the couch and looked over at the family portrait on the table next to her wedding photo. She stared at the moment in time that had captured her beautiful family.

She didn’t hear her son talking to her. She felt him poke her arm, like he used to do when he was little.

“Mom?” He asked. She turned to face him. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. “Just had a long day.”

She stayed on the couch with him for another half an hour, until Aria dropped Grace off from her playdate with Ellie. All Grace could talk about was how excited she was to go to camp with her friends during spring break.

Emily watched her daughter, appreciating her enthusiasm and excitement. The little girl had a knack for brightening up the room. She was a lot like Alison that way.

Alison got home shortly after Grace. They all ate dinner together. Emily quietly enjoyed her family’s company the rest of the day. And she _really_ enjoyed her wife’s company that night.

Emily held Alison in her arms as they both came down from their throes of passion. They’d learned to be quiet so they wouldn’t wake the kids, though sometimes Alison got a little carried away. She’d accidentally bitten down on Emily’s palm in the midst of their love-making to keep from screaming.

Now that it was over and she’d come to her senses she was gently kissing the red mark she’d left on Emily’s hand.

“Never had a hickey on my hand before.” Emily poked her in the ribs. Alison giggled.

“I got a little caught up in the moment.” Alison pulled Emily’s arm around her, trying to get closer to her. Emily kissed the top of her messy bedhead. Alison smiled. “Can’t wait to get caught up again and _again_ next week.” She glanced at Emily. “You double checked the reservations, right? We’re still good?”

“We’re good,” Emily said.

“I think it will be good for us. We haven’t had a break in a while. I can’t wait to lounge on the beach…watch the sunset with you.” She kissed Emily’s bare arm near one of her scars. “Or maybe we’ll never even leave the hotel. I’d be fine with that, too.”

She kissed her way up to Emily’s neck. She laid her head against the soft muscle underneath Emily’s collar bone. She walked her fingers down Emily’s arm and gripped her hand. She stayed cuddled up to her for a while, feeling her heart thrumming against her chest.

“You’re really quiet tonight.” Alison lifted her head to look at the brunette.

Emily met her gaze with a soft smile.

“I’m just enjoying the moment.” Emily ran her fingers through Alison’s hair. “You’re just so beautiful.”

Alison smiled back. It had taken her years to get to this place with Emily, and it felt good every time they shared intimate moments where they were both unapologetically soft and open with one another. She kissed Emily and then settled back against her warm skin. She felt Emily drawing nonsensical patterns on her arm. It lulled her to sleep.

After Alison fell asleep Emily picked up her phone. She scrolled through her call list and stared at the last number that had called.

Below that number was the number to the hotel that they would be staying at during their vacation.

She knew that the beach trip was going to be an important trip. Emily wanted everything to go perfectly on their vacation. She wanted Alison to have the time of her life, so when their kids left for their spring break Emily happily packed the car with a big smile on her face.

Their trip down to the beach was filled with a lot of talking, a lot of reminiscing about some of their favorite things.

When they got there they just enjoyed each other’s company. Emily had planned a boat tour to go scuba diving off of the coast. They ended up in a pod of wild dolphins. They swam with a shark. They saw some beautiful sea anomalies.

They went parasailing and had romantic walks along the coast. They went out to dinner. They strolled the town. They went sightseeing. They walked boardwalks and shopped for souvenirs.

On their last day they spent the entire day in their hotel room, making love several times, stopping only to order room service in between.

The last time was fervent and raw and full of a hungry desire and a need that could only be quenched by the intimate touches and the whispered words of love that highlighted both of their vulnerabilities.

It was so intense that it left them both in a quiet passionate stupor afterwards. Alison bathed in Emily’s warmth. The brunette was ridiculously hot.

They laid in bed until they saw the colors of the outdoors beginning to change.

Emily didn’t say anything. She just climbed out of bed and grabbed some clothes for them to change into. Alison intuitively knew that Emily was taking her to see the sunset on the beach.

They walked outside, hand in hand, just as the sun was starting to descend below the horizon.

The broken purple clouds in the sky reflected down on the water as the waves crashed along the shore. The sky in the distance was painted in orange and pink hues.

The sand was soft and cool against their feet as they walked out to where the tide was coming in. The water washed over their ankles as they watched the sun fading in the distance.

“This has been perfect.” Alison leaned against her, wrapping her arms around Emily’s bicep.

Emily smiled and stared at the sunset. It was strange for her to know that once upon a time she hadn’t cared about whether or not she saw any more sunsets. Her past felt so disconnected from who she was now. She couldn’t imagine not appreciating the beauty of nature…and the love of her wife.

Emily felt a flood of emotions clawing their way to the surface. Everything she’d been containing was seeping out. She tried to keep a strong appearance for Alison, but the blonde could tell something was off. She felt it.

Emily’s stance spoke volumes to Alison. The brunette was stiff and bothered. She was lost in thought. There was something weighing heavily on her mind.

“Emily, what’s wrong?”

Emily took a shaky breath and lowered her head. She slowly faced Alison.

“I got a call last week. About my bloodwork.” Emily swallowed a knot in her throat. She felt Alison tighten her grip on her arm. “My values weren’t right. My liver, it’s…” She bit her lip. “My medication regimen isn’t working anymore.”

“But…they’re going to adjust it, right? This…it happens sometimes.”

“Not this late in the game.” Emily sighed. “And not this drastically.”

“But all your check-ups have been fine.” Alison’s voice quivered.

“These things…sometimes it just comes on suddenly,” Emily said, reaching up to stroke Alison’s face.

Alison shook her head, a wave of denial trying to protect her from reality. She didn’t want to hear what Emily was going to say next.

“My body is rejecting the liver.”

“But it’s been fine.” Alison repeated, trying not to cry. “You’ve been fine.”

“I know.” Her voice came out comforting and soothing despite the fact that she’d basically been given a death sentence. “But my transplant…you know it had complications.” The transplant had been a Hail Mary pass, but it wasn’t without its problems. “The doctors warned us this might happen. It’s not uncommon for a donor liver to develop chronic problems with rejection.”

“Maybe they made a mistake. It’s been _years_. This shouldn’t be happening now, not after all this time.”

“That’s the thing…” Emily said thoughtfully. “We _had_ all this time. Despite all odds, we had this time. And I wouldn’t trade one second of it.”

Alison felt her pulse pounding in her ears. Seeing Emily upset did more damage to her heart than anything else in the world.

“I never should have made it this far, but I did. And I’m so glad I did. Because I have you.” Emily’s voice cracked.

Alison blinked slowly. It didn’t feel real.

“I am so lucky. I’m the luckiest damn woman in the world. You gave me a life worth living, and that’s all anyone can ever ask for. I spent my whole life searching for a purpose. And you want to know what I’ve come to realize?” She blinked back tears. “_You_ are my purpose.” She took a shaky breath. “We’ve had a life together, Alison. We built a better world for everyone around us. We’ve helped people. We have a family. We have had _years_. Years that we wouldn’t have had if it wasn’t for you…”

“I don’t understand.” Alison whimpered. “I don’t understand why this is happening to us…”

“I know,” Emily said softly. “I know.” She clenched her jaw. “I was angry when I got that call. I was _so_ angry.” She took a breath. “But I’m also grateful, because I got more time than most. And I want to be selfish. I want to ask for more time. I want another fifty…another hundred years. No amount of time is enough for me. But it’s out of our control this time. And I’m too tired to be mad. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life angry at the world. I just want to be with you.”

“Don’t.” Alison begged. “Please don’t talk like it’s over. It’s…this can’t be it…”

“They can slow the progression of the liver failure for a little while…”

“So, we have time. We can contact UNOS. Maybe…maybe another transplant is an option.”

“It’s not. I already spoke with the doctor at length. With the sudden onset of the rejection and all the complications I had previously there’s nothing more they can do. But I’m still here. I’m here right now.”

“It’s not enough. We haven’t had enough time.” Alison was shaking.

Emily pulled her in for a hug and kissed the top of her head.

“We’ve had a lifetime.”

Alison felt an internal battle raging inside of herself. Emotions she couldn’t handle were tearing her apart. She didn’t know what else to do, so she laid her head against Emily’s chest and started to cry. The rhythmic beating of Emily’s heart was a stark reminder that they had the moment. But how many more moments were they going to have?

They stood in their embrace, Alison clutching Emily tightly as the sun disappeared behind the vast dark waters of the ocean.

** 2 years later **

Emily died on a Monday. Alison had been by her side when she took her last breath. Emily’s last words had been three words that she had once struggled to say, but came naturally at her end,

_“I love you.”_

Her last moments were quiet and peaceful. She could feel Alison’s hand on top of hers. She heard Alison talking to her. It soothed her. She wasn’t alone. And more importantly, she was surrounded by love.

The home hospice nurse pronounced it at 11:11 pm.

The natural light from the moon beaming through the bedroom window made it look as if she was glowing. Alison felt like her presence was all around, like she was still in the room with them. She imagined the brunette by her side, reaching for her hand.

The silence was deafening.

Alison leaned over her bed and placed her hand against Emily’s cheek. It was still warm. She was always warm. That’s something that Alison would always remember about her.

She bent down and pressed a kiss against Emily’s lips. Not having the kiss reciprocated was a pain that reverberated down into Alison’s bones. She pressed her forehead against Emily’s. A teardrop fell from her face against Emily’s cheek.

Alison pulled back and stared down at her wife. Her face was pale. Everything that made Emily _Emily_ was gone.

It didn’t hit for a few minutes. Alison _knew_, but her brain wasn’t registering it. It’s like her heart had formed a wall around it to try and protect her from the reality. She always knew this day would come. She hoped that they’d be much older. All she could think about was what Emily had said the day at the beach.

_“We’ve had a lifetime.”_

They had. They really had.

Even after Emily’s liver started to fail they had gotten another two years together. She had held on longer than either one of them had anticipated. They’d had family days, romantic getaways, and had helped a hell of a lot of people in those two years.

They’d somehow found a balance between the thrill of living and the fear of death. They’d made a lot of memories. She made videos for her babies. She made tons of videos for them…and for Alison. They would serve as a way to keep her memory alive for years to come.

They’d lived more in those 24 months than most people lived their entire lives.

Even her last few days had been full of life. She had never lost her spunk.

Hours prior to her passing she had been sitting up in her bed laughing as she watched one of Toby’s and Grace’s favorite movies.

Afterwards they’d had a conversation about their favorite things about the world. Grace told her that she wanted to do something to help people, just like her moms. Toby smiled at his little sister and told her she could do anything she set her mind to.

Emily and Alison had seen a blossoming maturity in their son. He was wise beyond his years. And he still protected his little sister. Emily knew that her death would be hard for them, but she also knew that her family had strength. She knew that they would go on living in honor of her. And as angry as she was that she wasn’t going to be there for them, she couldn’t help but be thankful for the time she’d had with them.

Soon after the movie ended Grace mentioned something about wanting snacks. Alison suggested Toby take her to get something from the kitchen, but Toby looked at Emily…and something about his expression told Emily that he wanted a few minutes alone with her.

Her instincts were never wrong when it came to the kids, so she sent Grace and Alison to get the snacks. After they left the room she’d motioned for her son to come sit on the edge of the bed.

_“What’s up, kid?” _

_“I wanted to ask you something.”_

_“Anything.”_

_“What if I can’t do this?” _

_“Do what?”_

_“What if I’m not strong enough to take care of Grace and Mom?”_

Her son’s insecurities were harder for her to think about than her own mortality.

_“Oh, baby, come here.”_ She’d pulled him in for a hug. _“Your mother and I don’t expect you to take on anything. We just want you to keep doing what you’re doing. We want you to live.”_

_“I’m just afraid…”_ He’d looked at her, and in that moment Emily saw the baby she’d found in the house with his mother’s body. _“What if I snap…like…like her? Like my birth mother?” _

They hadn’t hidden the truth about his birth mother from him when he started asking about her. He had random memories that they weren’t going to lie about. They’d approached the topic carefully, so he only knew bits and pieces. But he knew enough.

_“I know it’s a scary thought, but we’re not our parents. We might take on certain aspects. We may change because of who they are, but we’re not our parents.”_ She’d cupped his face. He was starting to get a little stubble on his cheek. He’d grown up so fast. _“Listen, if you ever need help…you have everyone in the world at your disposal. Your mother. Your Uncle Jason. Your Aunt Aria. Your Aunt Hanna. Your Aunt Mona. Your Uncle Caleb. Charles and Andrew. Cece. Shana. I mean, you’ve got a world class doctor and an FBI agent on your call list. You’ve got the world at your fingertips, Tobes. And don’t forget your high powered lawyer. Your Aunt Spencer would do anything for you…on her good days.”_

That had gotten a solid laugh out of him. Because Spencer was…a character. She had always been awkward around the children. But everyone could tell she loved them.

_“And you know that Ellie and Samara adore you, so if you’re not comfortable talking to one of your old boring adults in your life, you can lean on them. You have so many people in your life who love you and your sister very much. And they’re going to be around to help. Let them help you. That’s what family is there for. You don’t have to do anything. You just focus on you…”_

_“What if I suck? What if I’m a shitty big brother and an even worse son?”_

_“That’s not possible.”_ Emily raked her fingers through his hair. _“I know you. I know how much you care. I also know how hard you are on yourself. I know how much you struggle to keep a grip on reality. I remember your nightmares, too…”_

_“I still have them sometimes. They scare me. Because I’m afraid that something will happen and I’ll end up just like her.”_

_“If you ever feel that way…if you feel like there is no way out, I want you to promise me that you’ll talk to your mom. She understands far more than you know. You know I was one of those statistics once. And because of your mother, I made it through. I know that it’s not the same for everyone. There are people out there like your birth mother who didn’t have the proper support system. That was a catalyst for change in the system. We were already working on trying to reach more people. After what happened to your birth mother we were determined to do better. We’ve built something that’s going to last a lifetime. It’s going to help people. And that means you, too. When you feel lost promise me you won’t let it bottle up. Promise me if you need help, you’ll ask for it.”_

_“It’s just really hard.” _

_“I know. But I’m telling you…if there is hope for me…if I can make it…anyone can. You’re one of the brightest kids I’ve ever met.”_

_“You’re just saying that because you’re my mom.”_

_“Actually, I’m saying it because I’m delusional because of the meds.”_ She’d teased him. _“But that doesn’t make it any less true. You are going to go on and do amazing things. You’re going to change the world.”_

_“Gonna have to master changing my underwear first.” _He made a face.

_“One step at a time.” _She’d smiled. She felt a wave of exhaustion and ended up slipping back down into her bed. Toby helped her get settled. He pulled the blanket over on top of her body.

_“You think mom will be okay?”_

_“Your mother is the strongest woman I’ve ever met.”_ She’d smiled. _“She’ll find a way. She always does.”_ She took a breath through her nose. _“She’s going to grieve. She’s going to hurt. But she’ll keep going. Just remember that when she gets on your nerves or bosses you around. Remember what she does for you. You and Grace be good and listen to her.”_

_“I can’t promise I won’t roll my eyes at her and call her annoying.” _

_“That’s my boy.”_ She’d laughed.

Toby smiled and took her hand.

_“Did she really save your life the night you met?”_

_“And every night since then.”_ That woman had been her very reason for living. _“She is the most determined, obstinate…loving person I’ve ever met.”_

_“How did you know you loved her?”_

Emily laughed under her breath. She certainly couldn’t tell her son about the time she’d banged his mother in a hospital office. Alison’s vulnerability that day had opened something up between the two of them. The connection they’d had when they’d locked eyes was one of the most intense feelings Emily had ever felt.

_“Being with her was one of the most natural feelings in the world. She was the only thing in my life at that time that made me feel alive.”_

_“And then Grace and I came along and you were stuck with us.”_

_“Not at all. We chose you. You and your sister were wanted. You made our lives even better.”_ She pinched his cheek. He turned away bashfully.

His smile slowly faded.

_“Why?”_

_“Why what?”_

_“Why us? Why did you want us?”_

Emily took a deep breath as she considered how she wanted to answer.

_“Some things in life are just meant to be.”_ Her brow furrowed in thought. _“I didn’t used to believe that, but now I know it’s true. We spend so much time trying to figure out where we belong that sometimes we miss the fact that we’re right where we’re supposed to be. I was closed off for so long.” _She’d gently touched his hand. _“I don’t want that for you and your sister. I don’t want you to be afraid of love. Let love come to you. Because it will. And when it happens, don’t be afraid of letting it in.”_

There was a beat of silence. Toby squeezed her hand.

_“Mom?”_

_“Yeah?” _

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you, too, Toby.” _

A few seconds later they heard a light rapping on the door. Alison poked her head in.

_“There are pizza rolls in the kitchen. You better hurry up before Grace devours them all.” _

Toby kissed Emily on the forehead and then made a mad dash for the hallway while screaming at his little sister,

_“GRACE, DON’T YOU DARE EAT THEM ALL, YOU LITTLE HOG!”_

Alison and Emily laughed as they heard his thunderous footsteps disappearing down the hallway. Alison walked over and sat down next to her.

_“They’re good kids.”_ Emily closed her eyes with a sigh.

Alison ran her fingers through Emily’s hair. Emily smiled at her.

_“You look beautiful, Ali.”_ She’d mumbled. _“Like an angel. Mmm...my angel.”_

_“You sound tired, Em.”_

_“I think I’m just going to rest my eyes.”_

_“I’ll be here.”_

_“Mmhmm, you always are.”_ Emily smiled sweetly at her. _“I love you.”_

Alison had leaned forward and kissed her, quietly whispering, _“I love you, too”_ back to her.

That had been the beginning of the end.

Three hours later the nurse was walking out of the room to give Alison her privacy.

It only started to sink in when the nurse left them alone. The machines were silent. Emily’s body was motionless. The pain crept up Alison’s spine. She could feel it engulfing her, and she was helpless to stop it.

When it finally hit her the grief felt like a riptide pulling her roughly under the surface. She couldn’t breathe. She was paralyzed. Her lungs were filled with saltwater. She couldn’t see throughout all the darkness.

As the emotions overwhelmed her senses she waited on the inevitable pain to consume her. She thought she’d collapse on top of Emily’s body and sob uncontrollably. Instead, she softly rubbed her cheek against Emily’s and cried, quiet little whimpers sending bursts of heated breaths against Emily’s lifeless face.

She thought she’d cry for hours. But her breakdown only lasted for ten minutes. When she settled down she kissed Emily’s forehead, letting her lips linger.

There was a strange comfort in knowing that Emily’s battle was over. She wasn’t suffering anymore. All the pain she’d felt in life had evaporated. She could finally rest.

“Everything is going to be okay,” Alison whispered. It was the same thing she’d promised in the hospital the night they’d met all those years ago. She’d meant it then. And she meant it now. “I’ll take care of our babies. We’ll be okay.”

She sat with her and held her hand as she waited on the nurse to contact someone for the arrangements.

She stared out the window. There wasn’t a cloud in sight in the dark evening sky. The stars were brighter than Alison had ever seen. She kept her eye on one star in the distance that seemed to be getting more intense.

All she could think about was the night Emily overdosed…and how she’d been looking at the stars. She’d been looking beyond their universe. She’d been ready to die…yet she’d still called the hotline because she didn’t want to die alone.

That night had changed their lives and put them through the ultimate test of love. Staring at the stars, Alison realized they truly had come full circle.

In the end, Emily hadn’t died alone. She had died in her warm bed surrounded by the people who loved her. She had died loved and in love.

Love had surpassed all the pain. It always did.

**o ~ O ~ o**

Emily was surrounded by people who loved her one last time at her funeral.

Her death brought the entire community together. Friends, family, and strangers…strangers that she had helped.

She had made a difference. She had built a life for herself, but she’d also built a life for her community.

She’d had a military funeral. Service members from the Armed Forces, including Caleb, had been pallbearers.

After the service her coffin, draped in the American flag, was being toted towards the door when Alison stepped in the path.

The entire crowd went silent.

Alison stood motionless near the door. She knew she was supposed to move, but she couldn’t.

She slowly walked towards the coffin. All eyes were on her, but she didn’t care. She reached up and put her hand against the flag. Tears were streaming down her face as she lowered her head until her cheek was resting next to her hand. She closed her wet eyes and took a breath. She let her grief flow through her. She lowered her voice to a quiet whisper, wanting to keep what she said a secret just between them.

“Thank you for our lifetime.” She looked over at their kids. Toby was pulling Grace in for a tight hug. “We love you.”

She kissed the coffin before she pulled back. She moved aside and let them carry Emily away, slowly following them.

She clutched the funeral program in her hand. On the front in perfectly written calligraphy was a snapshot of her life:

** _Emily Catherine Fields_ **

** _Daughter of Wayne Michael Fields and Pamela Katherine Fields. Sister to Ethan Tobias Fields and Ellie Grace Fields. Dedicated wife to Alison Lauren DiLaurentis. Loving mother to children Grace and Toby. Caring friend to all who knew her. Hero to all.  
_ **

Emily had touched more lives than she had ever realized. Her spirit would live on for generations to come. Her work would save countless lives in the future. Alison would see to that. She had to keep going. She _wanted_ to keep going. For Emily. For their children. For everyone that Emily had helped.

Emily had taken something terrible in her life…something she struggled with…and she turned it into an outpouring of support for other people. She had taken a ripped and tattered canvas and made a magnificent work of art.

Alison thought back to the night that Emily had proposed with her drawings. Alison still had those drawings. She had everything that Emily had ever created, because it was a part of them. It was a part of their story.

_“It works better when you can see the whole story.”_ She’d told Alison.

Stories often had messy bits. Life was about taking those bits and pieces and turning them into a beautiful, sometimes painful, work of art.

They hadn’t had a picture perfect end, but Emily had taught her that it wasn’t necessarily about the end. It was about the journey. It was about the art of life. It was about their tapestry. Their story.

And their story was a legacy.

* * *

**A/N:** _I imagine you’re all probably feeling lots of feels about the end. I had a lot of feels writing and editing it. I struggled with how I wanted to end this story. Every time I looked at it, I found something imperfect or something I didn’t like. That’s why it took so long to get it out. It finally dawned on me that the reason I was so critical about every aspect is that in knowing sometimes...there are no perfect endings. It’s like a quote in the previous chapter: “Happiness doesn’t mean we’re not sad. It just means that we’ve found something worth surviving for.”_

_As always, I want everyone to love one another and take care of themselves. If you need help, there are available options. Please seek out resources if you are in any kind of pain or distress._

_Thank you all for taking this journey with me. There is another potential journey in the works (and a much overdue update to “The Heart of Beacon Heights”). More to come on the new journey soon. _

_Take care of yourselves. I love you!_


End file.
